And You're Gone

Kamishiro Yuuko from digimon. affiliated with Città Alveare.

[heireating]

  BOOK STARTERS VOL.25     ( THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN )    ( PAULA HAWKINS )   ( TRIGGERING THEMES )

❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜

❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜

❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜

❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜

❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜

❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜

❛ When did you become so weak? ❜

❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜

❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜

❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜

❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜

❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜

❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜

❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜

❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜

❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜

❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜

❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜

❛ Now look – Now look what you made me do. ❜

❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜

❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜

❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜

❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜

❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜

❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜

❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜

❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜

❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜

❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜

❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜

❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜

❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜

❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜

❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜

❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜

❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜

❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜

❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜

❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜

❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜

❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜

❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜

❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜

❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜

❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜

[yuugone]

It had been a while since she had wandered about the city freely. With all the events having gone on, she had imagined it would be best to stick to her routine: train, study, and work. In doing so, she had an awful habit of becoming so closed into her goals that she forgot everything else around her, like her new (?) flat mates and the changes, to put it lightly, that had gone on about her. The daily news mattered little to her beyond making sure she could complete her daily goals in time. In short, she’d become as isolated and introverted as she was before Aiba had encountered her once more.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves as she walked about the city. This place wasn’t that terrible, she had to convince herself. It wasn’t like a breath of fresh air --- away from the books and away from her normal routine would be terrible for her. It might even rejuvenate her, honestly.   

[yuugone]

"Have you forgotten about me, Yuuko-chan?" - Rie Kishibe

She can’t forget that voice.

Even after how long it’s been since she first came to Hive City, she still wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares of the last time they’ve met face to face. She killed the woman --- digimon, lordknightmon --- it’s impossible for her to be back here.

(Even if her mind’s whispering to her how untrue that was.

                    ‘ If you could be pulled into this world at any time, why can’t she? ’ )

The very thought has her shaking, has Hackmon look onto her, concern lining his features. He’s seen his partner like this several times before. She’d move on once she’s ready, but, for now, he’d lure her towards a seat, nipping at her heels.

She finds it hard to speak, and when she does find a seat, she scoops up Hackmon into her arms, ignoring his protests. The once heiress would apologize later, but for now, she pressed her face against his cloak, trying to derive some form of comfort from it.

I haven’t forgotten.    

[yuukohan]

CYBER SLEUTH ENDING SPOILERS BELOW.

Keep reading

[yuukohan]

older ! yuuko tho.

they wouldn’t ‘come out’ as non-binary until maybe their late twenties – but it might be kinda known by those who are really close to them and either 1) ask or 2) are pretty observant.

it’ll kinda show in various ways.

once they’re used to yuugo being back home (and done kinda lavishing him with attention/being overly protective and kinda settle on a more stable relationship), it’d progress a lot more because they’d start taking care of themselves.

even before yuugo had disappeared, they’d alternate with clothing trying to find something that fits. shorts suited them best. skits and dresses were okay from time to time, but they couldn’t see what made them so ideal for themselves beyond the reactions they’d gotten from others. slapping labels on clothing styles made them cringe – but they didn’t want to stand out, so they swallowed down their discomfort in order to fit in, only expressing themselves fully through private means.

a part of kishibe’s brainwashing tok advantage of this as well – erasing these seemingly ‘abnormal’ feelings (as kiishibe might put it since they couldn’t understand them) and placing the feelings as as ‘wanting to be their brother’ and ‘becoming their brother’ in EDEN. but, obviously, the ‘effects’ lasted outside of the virtual world.

even when yuugo just started living back home from the hospital, sometimes yuuko just forgets they’re not home alone anymore and that outfit isn’t anywhere near their usual dress at all or even sneaks into yuugo’s room with clothes they’d bought when he was gone. maybe yuugo would catch them trying out his clothes in the mirror, using the excuse that they’re trying to recall the feeling they had as the wraith of eden, not so much the part about being brainwashed but the confidence and authority – which they kinda display later in the game.

like mentioned earlier – as an adult (and Kamishiro Enterprises CEO), they’d adjust their styles of clothing to whatever fits the situation. (more than likely, they would be wearing suits during meetings and most of the time around kamishiro enterprises and then dresses during parties – depending on their partner.) Their mannerisms would follow later, and they’d fluctuate between using masculine terms (僕/boku) to refer to themselves to neutral (私/watashi). in short, they’d use the older idea of gender roles to their advantage. 

but, they believe the neutral ‘私/watashi’ suits them best.  

[yuukohan]

❈

❈ - ideal birthday

for yuuko, an ‘ideal birthday’ would be both difficult and not. 

for one thing, they needs to remember their actual birthday. in my headcanon, the kamishiro president tends to keep himself busy to the point of neglecting his children – it doesn’t mean he’s a mean to them, he’s actually very loving, he’s just neglectful in the sense he gets wrapped up in his work and forgets his surroundings – it gets to the point that he forgets their birthday until it’s already long over. 

yuuko isn’t exactly helpful in this aspect as well. for one thing, to them it’s just another day. second of all, they’d probably forget themselves, following in their father’s path and focusing entirely on their own goals and might realize at the end of the day to the point they’ve probably actually celebrated their birthday only once during the time yuugo had fell into his coma. all of this is ignoring how they’d probably not want to celebrate one without him (if they were twins) seeing as it’d be another reminder and they’d have the unrealistic expectation of someone else remembering and offering a subtle surprise — even if there’s no reasonable way for them to know.

anyways, back to the main point.

their idea of an ‘ideal birthday’ from here is rather simple.

yuuko’s entire family home for one dinner. that’s it. no bells and whistles; no extravagant present. just the entire family home around the table. alive and well.  

[yuugone]

ninjiraiya

     “Seriously?” he let out an annoyed groan, arms folded over his chest as he stood there.

      “Great, if this is how slow it’s gonna be, I might as well come back later. The only thing that’s stopping me is that it might be all gone if I did that…”

      She nodded, agreeing with him thoroughly. This meal better be worth it or she was going to write a rather lengthy review. Catering to the customers in a systematic way in order to get to all of them in a timely fashion was something they should be prepared for when they had a limited time offer like this

     “ We should be lucky we’re not them, “ she gestured towards the end of the line --- which happened to lead outside the building.

[raysmemes]

kafka on the shore starters

“Doesn’t look like anything major. Give it a good night’s sleep and you should feel better.” “I’m guessing this isn’t Christmas money from Santa Claus.” “Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction.” “Gimmie a break.” “But it’s no fairytale, believe me. No matter what sort of spin you put on it.” “Things in life are fated by our previous lives. Even in the smallest events there’s no such thing as coincidence.” “I get money by helping people find their lost cats.” “I don’t go around giving my mobile-phone number to just anybody. You know what I mean?” “Planning on coming back tomorrow?” “Remember, you’re supposed to be the toughest 15-year-old on the planet.” “Still not going back to school, I see.” “You hit something pretty hard. Or something hit you.” “Ah, I see. You can’t speak, can you?” “I’m in kind of a fix here.” “No doubt about it – biologically we’re father and son 100 per cent.” “You lose control and do something violent, you mean?” “So you never had such a total memory loss before?” “It’s complicated and there’s a lot of stuff I still don’t get.” “I’d like to lie down and sleep for a while.” “Real darkness still exists there. Sometimes I go there just to experience it.” “But I have an alibi, don’t I?” “With online information it’s hard to separate fact from wishful thinking.” “What about because of love?” “Do you know what limbo is? It’s the neutral point between life and death. A kind of sad, gloomy place.” “I don’t know what the hell to do. And I miss your voice.” “With each new dawn it’s not the same world as the day before. And you’re not the same person you were, either.” “Distance won’t solve anything.” “Better not look behind you.” “Can you give me your number?” “In our home everything was twisted. And when everything’s twisted, what’s normal ends up looking weird too.” “Maybe I went through some special dream circuit or something and killed him.” “Being bright has nothing to do with it. What matters is that you see things with your own eyes.” “How are we able to carry on a conversation like this? A human and a cat?” “I don’t mean to pry, but there’s something I want to ask you. Do you mind?” “I don’t mind – go ahead and say what’s on your mind.” “What you’re talking about is just a theory. A bold, surrealistic theory, to be sure, but one that belongs in a science-fiction novel.”

[yuugone]

Result: the diabolical mastermind

key characteristics: scheming, self-serving, charismatic, cerebral

you understand exactly how the world works, and you are unafraid to mold it into something else. more often than not, you are doing this to benefit only yourself, but occasionally you will grow close to one or two people. in this instance, you hope they share your belief system, but this is a rare occurrence. typically, however, the needs of other people are of no concern to you. despite this, you can be charming when you need to be, and put to the test you could easily gain followers. beware of people who might be able to see through your act, for if their moral code goes against yours they may work to bring you down.

film recommendations: the third man, touch of evil

https://www.qzzr.com/c/quiz/314581/which-film-noir-archetype-are-you

[yuugone]

alicesoneandonly

“That still does not stop them from being ignorant and thinking I am one,” he said, pausing as he finally registered the fact that the creature before him could also speak. “…wait. Since when could you talk? You did not do so last time we met.”

As the other made to leave, Peter hesitated before following after him. He had half a mind to transform back, but he would wait until it was safe to do so. “Alright, though I hope you know where you are going.”

He didn’t answer, focusing on the path ahead. The streets of this district were painfully familiar now, and with their smaller bodies, it was easier to transverse. The sounds of the young humans were fading, bringing the digimon’s pace to a more comfortable walk. It didn’t mean he let down his guard entirely. A new bunch could show up again, and --- it wasn’t really safe to stay in one spot for too long.

They’d ended up in a clearing in the middle of the alleyways, and he’d settled on a (what he’d hoped was semi-clean) piece of cardboard. 

Other than small humans, there was also something the rabbit needed to address, having answered none of his questions and only offering more in return.

“ Well? ” He stared at the rabbit expectantly.  

[alicesoneandonly-deactivated202]

@yuugone liked for an Easter starter!

“For the last time, I am not a Pokemon!” Peter dodged yet another Pokeball, not at all impressed by how this person was trying to catch him. Fortunately he managed to find a way to escape, though as soon as he was free of that person, he ended up running into yet another.

Namely a person with that weird creature he met at the library a long while back.

“…it’s you again.”

[yuugone]

     “ Most pokemon wouldn’t be able to speak, ” Hackmon remarked, tilting his head at the strange, talking rabbit. He wasn’t a digimon either; he’d be able to sense that if he were.

     Although, the rabbit implied they’ve met before. Where and when, since he’d hadn’t seen a talking rabbit like him before --- or had Yuuko when she’d left him at home? He shook his head.

     “ I don’t know what you’re talking about, but we should leave. ” He said, jutting his chin over to the direction the bunny had come from. “ Your friends are coming. ” 

     He turned then and began to lead the way through the crowd. He knew where some pokemon were, it would sever as a good distraction for them.  

[noiredyne-deactivated20171115]

@yuugone liked for a starter!

     “Even though we’ve only been here for like 5 minutes, it feels like it’s been HOURS…” 

[yuugone]

     “ Make that six minutes, ” Yuuko remarked, glancing over at the clock. She should have known this was a popular place, but she wasn’t about to skip the limited time offer they gave out. Just where on earth (or, well, in the city, at least) could they get this rare meal?

[yuugone]

711robot

That sounded weird, robots being superior to humans. Even if some of it was true, it didn’t really make connections in his head. Either way, he was happy that his joke got through to her; it was the first time telling one too! Although, the hand reaching towards his face did catch him a bit off guard. Slowly he moved his head towards the opposite direction, yet never breaking his concentration on the girl.

He carefully extended his arm out the Yuuko, with an open palm. New lines of text began to appear on his screen. [Strange is a relative term, it is different for every person. My name is Canti. How may I address you young miss?]

    Her hand hovered in the air for a moment, never quite reaching what she wanted. Oh, that’s right. Even if he was a robot, it didn’t mean she could just touch him. She pulled her hand back quickly, abet a little awkwardly.

    ‘ Ah. Kamishiro Yuuko is my name. ’ She introduced herself formally as she normally would. It didn’t matter, to her at least, what he’d choose to address her by. In this sort of place, honorific weren’t all too common place anyways.

     She did smile, small and a bit awkwardly, ‘ that’s true; strange is normal here. ’  

[yuugone]

     “ Why did she become so small again? ” Gaioumon pointed out, staring at Piyomon. It was something his partner had a bit more tact in, at least in the sense of not phrasing it in that manner, more determined to find out just what was going on. The digital world wasn’t this glitchy until a little before they found the pair, and that alone should have been enough to signal something strange was going on about them --- at least in Yuuko’s mind.

     In that case, Yuuko had decided to ignore him, hard pressed by formalities. “ Thank you for the assistance. ” They’d said, nodding to the dissolving data. It was bound to end up back in primary village to rinse and repeat the cycle all over again, but at least the terrorizing had ended for the little Burgermon for now. “ It’s been a while since I’ve seen other humans. ”  

( @flyonmylovee )

[yuugone]

     Pressing a hand against Gaioumon’s armor, Yuuko ensured their partner they were safe. Very rarely would snakes lie in a flower patch, never mind how distraught this woman was. She took a few tentative steps forward, dropping to kneel before them.

    “ Miss, are you alright? ”

( @exubero )

[yuugone]

It was difficult to imagine just how much this place could change in the matter of months. The news wouldn’t stop flickering to all sorts of events she had learned to tune out, but there were days where it had to interrupt her day.

Such as this one.

Moogles were strange things, especially the one that kept trying to want her to sell Hackmon to them. It was one of the few times (these days at least) she’d kept the digimon in her arms. The fluttering puffy thing, as cute as it might be, had dollar signs in their eyes, wanting a piece of him. 

She argued against them, and he snapped and snarled.

Neither seemed to be working, and it would seem they had caught the attention of a few others.

( @p0kerfxce-phant0mthief )

[retiredhackernerd-deactivated20]

@yuugone

He was late with it, but it wasn’t like he cared much about time limits, even if it was already well into the new year to an extent. And he thought maybe Yuuko wouldn’t turn down an offer of sweets even if he was the one giving them, with how much it seemed the younger Kamishiro enjoyed food of all kinds.

As such, a tin of baked goods was held toward Yuuko, Arata scratching at the back of his neck.

“Not sure if you have a preference on these or anything, but I brought some assorted cookies.”

He had a different gift for Yuugo, to be given over after.

[yuugone]

     She didn’t bother responding before opening the can, placing the cover beneath to take a look at the goodies. It didn’t look terrible, on the contrary, really. Funny, she’d imagined that the (retired) hacker would be a terrible baker, far too stuck into his tech to come up with something like this, but she wasn’t about to turn it down, not when it smelled pretty good (and, of course, he’d taken this effort into making it for her).

     She plucked one of them, nibbling on the edge for a bit before devouring it nearly whole. It was better than expected, and she could feel the care put into them.

     “ They’re good. ”

( @hackersleuth )