in my fics, i often have mizuki refer to ena as her “compass” and that’s bc i genuinely think that is ena’s purpose in mizuki’s narrative in canon. I have talked extensively already about how ena is so often portrayed as mizuki’s light in the dark, the light that will illuminate her path and guide her home, from the winter wasteland mizuki is shunning herself to and back to the light of spring, under a shower of cherry blossoms. the cherry blossoms of new beginnings, the ones she always hated and thought she’d never see again with niigo. the ones she will chase down and bring ena to see for her birthday.
within the narrative in canon, ena shows mizuki the way so. many. times. ena teaches mizuki, through her insistence and her devotion and determination, what it means to be a friend, what it means to trust one another without reservation. despite being shown as particularly dense when it comes to understanding other people and being there for them emotionally (she has the grace of a bull in a china shop), ena always, always, always knew mizuki was pulling away, getting ready to ghost them all. and she never gave up. she invited mizuki on little dates all the time. she invited her on a picnic w/shizuai. she texted her in private to make sure she wouldn’t skip niigo’s celebrations. she skipped her own previous engagements if mizuki invited her out and lie to her about being free, actually (like that time she blew her mom off to go shop with mizuki in footsteps). she used all and any excuse to see her (eg “will you fix my clothes uwu? let’s go to the sewing lounge uwu?”), pull her back, bind her to herself and the rest of niigo. when she realized that she was maybe pushing too much, she immediately shoved her own feelings aside, to ensure she wasnt making mizuki uncomfortable, or hurting her. some of ena’s key traits are that she’s impatient and rash and impulsive, yet she seemed to have no issues immediately stifling her nature so that she can tell mizuki “it’s fine. you dont have to tell me. i’ll stop pushing. i’ll wait for you. just promise you’ll tell me one day. i hate waiting but i’ll do it for you.” with no hesitation, she puts a hand to her chest and promises mizuki forever – a forever mizuki does not believe in. a forever she is getting tempted to believe in, and the only way she can see “forever” as a possibility is by lying to ena. “i thought we’d be together forever, if i never tell her.”
mizuki is so good at hiding her feelings. apart from yuuki and rui, who have known her pre-transition at her lowest, no one can rly tell when mizuki is putting on a front. bc mizuki hates making herself vulnerable in front of others. for one, that’s dangerous – you never know whenever someone you trusted will think you weird or disgusting. moreover, she sees her own vulnerability as a burden on others. she sees herself as someone who simultaneously has too little to offer and is also too much to handle. and she deeply resents this inherent “being too much” – it’s unfair. she just wants to be. but everything is always so complicated just bc she’s trans and she’s tired and bitter and has grown jaded. she believes all she can do is try and enjoy the present by being unashamedly herself and avoiding doing/thinking about anything that causes her pain. avoidance is a double-edged sword – it keeps her alive, yet robs her of her future. she’s passively suicidal after all. until after ena5, she refuses to think of her future. all she has is escapism through her hobbies and no hope in any kind of future.
and if all she has is a bittersweet, hypocritical carpe diem attitude, then she has to make herself as fun as possible and the least cumbersome she can be. hide hide hide. yet, when no one is looking, her mask sometimes slips. she looks bitter, or heartbroken, or hopeless. “there’s no such thing as forever.” “we will never truly be friends.” “im awful, im just worrying ena.” but the beautiful thing about them is that ena is always, always looking at her, especially in these moments, when mizuki thinks no one is looking. when mizuki thinks she’s safe and alone, ena is there. just like in her 4* card for secret distance. ena is peering into mizuki. she sees her loneliness (osamu dazai’s an urgent call anyone??).
in my fics and analyses i also often talk of a “leap of faith” on mizuki’s part when referring to the events of ena5, and that’s exactly what it was. because ena gave her the chance to leave. she gave her a way out. for ena wishes for nothing but mizuki’s happiness, even if that were to mean her own unhappiness. ena wants to be with mizuki. she states it clearly. she doesn’t care about people talking behind their backs. she says nothing would compare to the pain of losing mizuki, and yet still tries to set her free at the end. because mizuki might be happier that way, because ena sees her suffering, and only wishes for her peace and happiness. mizuki can run. ena cannot even physically chase her anymore – she’s collapsed.
and mizuki looks at her – her smile and her tears as she falls to the ground, trying to set her free. i think we give mizuki too little credit for falling to her knees in turn and admitting she wants to be together. “even if it’s a bother, even if i hate, i want to start believing like it’s always okay to be together.” that took such tremendous courage to admit. a courage that i believe she was able to build thanks to ena’s constant, compass-like guidance – from secret distance to wounded hands. all the small moments of companionship they spent together, all their bickering, all their laughter, the teasing, the all-nighters they pulled together. shopping trips, study sessions, being there for kanade and mafuyu and creating together. all of it has been leading up to mizuki finally and permanently bound to ena.
mizuki’s fears run so deep and are so nuanced and some are bound to materialise, even – of course someone might assume ena is trans herself (again). talk behind their backs. there could be moments where ena might say smth she would have mindlessly said bf finding out and realize she needs to be more careful after mizuki’s coming out (in their confrontation ena says it might be selfish of her, but if she says smth wrong she wants to know, she wants to apologize and do better even if mizuki is uncomfortable with it). mizuki will have doubts – is it rly okay for someone like mizuki to want to preserve and maintain these female friendships she believes she has no right to experience? is ena still comfortable going shopping together? letting mizuki fix her clothes? spend all night together? ena says nothing in her perception of mizuki has changed, but she might just think that because they havent met since, right? YET MIZUKI TRUSTS HER. BLINDLY, ALMOST.
it’s almost like free fall. and she falls into her arms. bc of course ena catches her and comforts her and takes care of her as mizuki sobs her heart out. so much love. trust. acceptance.
“thank you for telling me.”
“thank you for accepting me.”