A

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[jensettermandu]

super rich kids | daniela avanzini

Synopsis; Amidst long car drives, indulging in drugs, parties, and luxury, the truth no one wants to hear is brought to light and shakes up everyone’s reality, which now feels impossible to mask with hedonism. Y/n’s identity is slipping away, and all she has left is being needed by Daniela, who needs Y/n as much to survive. The question is whether or not love can keep people like them alive.

content; female!reader x daniela rich kids (in college), suggestive themes, swearing, drug & alcohol use, violence, morally grey characters, parental issues, (declining) mental health, D1 basketball (not in depth), normalisation/ignorance/hidden addiction, slice of life, shit is just emotionally heavy. SLOW BURN WC: 46K

songs; self control/white ferrari - frank ocean, art deco - lana del rey, love is a losing game - amy winehouse, yebba's heartbreak - yebba, i smoked away my brain - asap rocky

a/n; i havent written anything for a while (2 years), this story was a draft that i resumed after months so! anyway, enjoy it :)

Dani: DD? 

Y/n: 30 mins

Dani: Thank you, amor <3

Y/n stared at the text for a few seconds longer, leaning back in the chair, before she glanced up at the TV, where her game was still on the loading screen. It was close to 10 P.M. on a Friday, and she should have known that she wouldn’t be able to stick to her plans. It was a Friday in the end, and they were in college; most people partied, Y/n included, but leaving her place had become difficult.

She got up from the chair and slid it across the floor as it hit the desk, opting to change out of the basketball shorts and putting on the baggy jeans that were still on the floor from earlier. Her eyes searched through the room lit by the LED lights, pulling a hoodie over her head before reaching for the car keys that were on the nightstand. 

The walk to the car was short and lit up by yellow street lamps with rocks dragged under her sneakers. Her gaze was stuck at the front, and her head was loud yet empty as it never was quiet, but at times, it was all just empty lines. She couldn’t tell what she was feeling; there was something on her chest, even if it felt dull, her shadow was right after her, and it was probably the problem. That shadow was usually filled with anxiety, and just like a shadow never leaves, at some point, it would catch up. 

The drive to Daniela’s dorm complex wasn’t long, and soon she was at one of the parking lots assigned to the same complex they were walking from as she spotted three girls from a distance. She had been able to hear them before she even saw them. The three walked together until they spotted Y/n and her car. The white BMW E30 M3 that everyone knew belonged to Y/n.

From there on, it was scurrying over the best they could after pregaming. It made Y/n push herself away from the side of the car and stand by the open passenger door. She had moved the seat so Manon and Lara could get inside first. The two had come in that order, dragging out a thank you, making Y/n tilt her face away the best she could from her spot as they both left a peck on her cheek, knowing it would rile up Daniela, who caught up last. 

“They get mad annoying when they drink,” Daniela muttered with a click of her tongue as she made it over to the taller girl who had fixed the passenger seat back so Dani could sit shotgun. Their giggles resonated through the parking lot, and the faint scent of perfume and slight alcohol lingered in the air. 

Her girlfriend’s scent was a strong vanilla, her skin glowed, almost glittery under the lamps that lit up the lot. From the clear eyes, Y/n could tell she hadn’t drunk anything yet, unlike the two girls who would fog up the windows. Her warm hands reached out to Y/n’s face, eyebrows scrunched as she rubbed at her girlfriend's cheek with her thumb, getting rid of the lipstick stains left by her two friends, simply to get on her nerves.

“Okay, it’s gone now.” 

“Thank you,” 

Daniela hummed at the latter's words, her fingers running along Y/n’s jawline before cupping under her chin to pull her down, not being able to reach those 15 cm Y/n had on her. 

“I'd rather you have my lipstick stains.” Y/n let out a long hum at that, her hands brushing at Dani’s exposed waist and down to her hips as the shorter girl connected their lips. It was quick, though, Daniela pulling away and mumbling about not ruining her lipstick. However, her lips proceeded to kiss down Y/n’s jaw and neck, fingers trailing along Y/n’s waist until they were interrupted. 

Manon let out a loud shriek, making Y/n look behind Daniela, who could feel the tension that wasn’t good in Y/n’s body when there was a mention of spilling vodka. Dani was quicker to react, though, as she turned around, “I swear, you’re gonna lick this car clean, Manon.” Y/n clenched her jaw, her hand on the shorter girl's lower back, guiding her to take a seat as she knew that the longer they stayed, the higher the chance of someone spilling something inside her car. 

She made sure that Dani was fully inside before slamming the door closed and releasing a deep sigh while walking towards the driver's seat, trying her best to calm down. As she sat down in her seat, her phone was already in Dani’s hands, who was turned to the back as she argued with the two. The music the girl had put on played in the background, and Y/n took her time to lean over to Daniela’s side, making sure to buckle the seatbelt for her, hand pushing down on her thighs as she almost rose from her seat, too into their bickering. 

“I need the route, Dani.” It seemed to get her attention.

“What was that?” The girl questioned, turning to look at Y/n, who was about to reach for the phone in her hands, but she moved it away. 

“I need the route, baby,” Y/n repeated. This time, she got the phone handed to her as Daniela looked down at the screen one last time. “Lara sent it,” she mentioned while Y/n set the phone up in its mount, and as they drove out the driveway, she turned up the music Daniela had put on, trying to drown out the noise. 

It didn’t take long, a short five minutes, and she knew that they could have walked there, but she also knew that Daniela wanted her there. Y/n knew that she could come off as the girl’s second shadow; however, it was because Dani liked it, and Y/n didn’t mind it. She didn’t have anything against doing anything and everything her girlfriend asked her for. It worked out; perhaps it was what kept them together despite the downs in their relationship. 

“We need a moment,” Daniela forced a tight-lipped smile at her friends, shooing them away after Y/n had let them out. The seatbelt flew into its place, and the wind blew through the car once the door slammed closed. They had pulled up to a frat house, the music was loud, with people walking in and out, hanging out around the front yard. It was muffled inside the car, its black interior lit up by the street lights.

“Is something wrong?” Y/n questioned, knowing that the girl was usually rather eager to party, Dani let out a long hum of thought, and it made Y/n lean her head against the backrest, staring towards the ceiling of the car while sliding further down the seat to get comfortable. 

“Not really, I just wanted a moment with you, I guess.” 

Not knowing how long a moment could be, Y/n removed the keys from the ignition, sitting up and reaching over for the glove compartment. Dani’s hand found its way into the soft curls that fell on Y/n’s shoulders, fingers threading through them and scratching along her scalp with her acrylics. The pungent scent of weed pierced through the car; among the rolling papers, lighters, and a few grams of dried flower were a few pre-rolled joints. 

“Were you busy when I texted?” 

“No,” Y/n mumbled a white lie, the joint between her lips as she leaned back into her seat, Daniela’s fingers still massaging her scalp, the lighter ignited, and the first cloud blew into the air as Y/n puffed on it to light it evenly. 

“What’s up, though?” Y/n questioned once again, her voice thicker from the smoke she blew out, inspecting the joint before averting her gaze onto Daniela. She used to get told that she couldn’t party her life away, that it was bad for someone like her, but now it no longer mattered, and somehow the metallic taste felt like it was mocking her the way it lingered in her mouth. 

The Latina held out her fingers, getting the joint from her girlfriend. 

“Just a busy day, a lot to do with all the extra stuff I have.” Y/n couldn’t tell if she was envious of Dani or not; it felt like she rotted away each day. It was as if she was handed the opportunity and then decided to throw it away, missing the chance to be on earth. Y/n had gone to classes, hung out with some people, but it didn’t mean that she did anything worthy in reality. 

“So you go to a party?” She questioned and got the joint back as Daniela grumbled at the words, leaning over the centre and clinging onto her girlfriend's arm. She tried to pull away but was held back, and she always gave in to Dani with ease, letting her hold onto her. 

Daniela was spoiled; it wasn’t Y/n’s doing. She had always been that way–they all were spoiled rotten in a materialistic way, but Dani had been spoiled with love, too–but the fact that Y/n was a giver made it acceptable. Perhaps there should be a balance, one where Y/n didn’t give up until she had bled herself dry, but Dani was worth every drop of blood, wasn’t she? It was the only meaningful thing that Y/n could do lately. 

“Don’t, I don’t need you to parent me, pity me instead.” She mumbled into Y/n’s shoulder, her hand soothing over the side of her neck to pull her down slightly. Dani nuzzled her nose against her neck, taking in the sweet, comforting scent because, despite loving parties and the hectic college life, it at times left her stomach churning, and she felt that maybe she wanted to stay behind until she was actually at the party. Then she got engulfed in it, but it wasn’t the same as being with Y/n and forgetting everything as every little wall dropped down. 

Oh, she needed Y/n in her life desperately, didn’t she? It was fine that Y/n was her leverage, wasn’t it? 

“That’s why I’m with you, out of pity.” The joke earned Y/n a nip at the thin skin of her neck, and Daniela pulled away, grabbing the joint out of her girlfriend’s hand. The latter clicked her tongue and rubbed at the spot before reaching her hand over to rest on Dani’s thigh, who moved it away, which made Y/n raise her eyebrows. She watched her, seeing that she genuinely got upset by the words, making Y/n poke the inside of her cheek because either of them could be the powder and the other the fuse. 

The last thing either of them needed was a fight right now. 

“Baby,” there was no answer. She knew what games Dani liked to play, and she knew how to please her. She always would. Y/n thrived off of giving everything she had to people she cared about. “Look at me, beautiful,” she hummed out, her hand grabbing onto the Latina’s neck and turning her to her. Smoke blew in Y/n’s face, and she pulled Daniela in, thumb soothing along the pulsing vein as she kissed the girl. 

“Why are you with me?” Dani loved hearing those reassuring words; she loved hearing how loved she was, how much Y/n would do for her. She loved having someone there for her, as the lipstick on her lips was almost gone from the kisses they shared. 

“Because I love you,” Y/n stated, their noses brushing as she still held onto her, with her free hand, she reached for the joint. “And I’d give up my life for you.” She earned a peck on her lips at those words, followed by a hum of protest when the lit joint was taken from Dani. 

“You’re drinking tonight.” 

“I don’t plan on drinking a lot,” she replied as she leaned back into the seat, her eyes intensely watching Y/n smoke the rest of it. Y/n knew that those words were usually forgotten after the first two drinks (because she did the same), but Dani didn’t have those problems.

“I don’t care, we can smoke more later, you don’t need everything at once.” 

She looked over at Dani, whose lips lifted into a small smile, her tongue coming out to lick at them before her teeth dug into her lower one, the weed hitting her rather fast and hard, and Y/n somehow knew Daniela’s limits better than the girl did herself. 

“It’s so sexy how caring you are.”

“Get out, Dani.” She received a roll of the eyes from Daniela, who still leaned over and left a long peck on Y/n’s cold cheek, nails momentarily running under her clothes and along the smooth muscles of her stomach. 

“Thank you, see you inside.” Y/n only hummed at those words, watching the girl get out, close the door, and hurry inside while saying quick greetings to whoever stopped her. 

She hadn’t stayed inside for long after running into Yunjin. Knowing that Daniela would be busy, she walked out with her friend instead, and they found themselves at the driveway of the house across the frat. The music still echoed over to them, and over the basketball bouncing against the concrete and hitting the backboard now and then. 

“Remember the girl you told me not to fuck up with?”

Y/n had caught the ball thrown by Yunjin, who stood under the net, an almost empty beer in hand. She hummed at the question, took another 2-point shot, and watched it swoosh in. Her eyes landed back on Yunjin, Y/n already shaking her head as she could tell where it was heading, as the ginger had thrown the ball back to her with her lips pursed.

“Yeah, so we were kind of fucking, and I was like, only invested in fucking her…”

“I told you what would happen, Yun,” Y/n clicked her tongue, dribbling the ball as she waited for what her friend would say next. She was able to tell what it would be; they had had the same talk multiple times. There was a bad reputation surrounding the basketball team for a long while when it came to the dating scene, and it had only gotten worse.

“Okay, to be fair–” Y/n cut the ginger off as she threw the ball into the hoop, walking over to get it herself as it bounced by Yunjin. “You knew well what she wanted. No one just fucks with someone for so long without wanting something—except you.” The latter clicked her tongue, receiving a shove from Y/n, who walked past her, drops of beer falling onto the concrete and reminding Yunjin of it as she took a swig.

“She knew damn well what I wanted too. Either way, we met tonight, and she saw me with someone else and freaked in front of everyone, scared away the new girl.” She continued, watching the floater Y/n did. She finished the beer as the ball got thrown to her, tossing the bottle onto the grass.

“You’re still gonna find someone by next week,” Y/n mumbled, knowing that, despite their reputation, most people in their circle didn’t care as long as someone was rich or had the right status around campus.

“What about you?” Yunjin breathed out as she made a free throw, and Y/n grabbed the ball, holding it under her arm as her other hand reached into the front pocket of the hoodie she had on. She shrugged at those words, clearing her throat and glancing up at Yunjin.

“I have Dani, what about it?” 

Yunjin licked her lips and walked over to Y/n, taking the ball from her, shoulders bumping—and it had made Y/n take a step back, removing her hand from the pocket, this time with a joint and lighter in hand.

“Now that we’re talking about these things, I just wasn’t sure if it was serious or not.” It had been an indirect way of telling Y/n that Yunjin saw it as a waste of time. She sniffled as she thought about it. Yunjin hadn’t been too happy when she found out that Y/n had become occupied with a girl full-time, wasting potential.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Y/n watched how Yunjin threw the ball, this time hitting the backboard and missing—thrown off, whether by the question or alcohol. Y/n wasn’t able to tell. She didn’t care for it. The ball rolled onto the grass. She put the joint between her lips and covered the lighter from the slight wind, turning her back to it as she ignited a flame.

“Priorities change, I guess.” She rolled her eyes at those words, rather inhaling than responding to Yunjin, preferring not to fight with her friend at the moment. Yunjin had been a good and honest friend—her honesty raw. Y/n appreciated it, but it didn’t mean that she didn’t argue against the truth before accepting it.

“Here.” Y/n turned around, stretching out her hand, the smoke lingering around her as Yunjin walked over, grabbing the joint from between Y/n’s fingers. She looked over her shoulder to see what Yunjin was trying to look at when she kept glancing behind Y/n. She frowned, walking past the girl who immediately turned her back to the party to take a drag.

“Why are you acting so paranoid?” Y/n asked with a laugh, ball in hand again, as she walked over to Yunjin.

“Unlike you, I still have to watch out for coach,” she bit back, taking another hit and giving it back to the taller girl. Y/n was aware that they would have gotten shit from the coach if he ever found out that they were smoking and partying as much as they did. It was a no-go. She knew it. She used to avoid doing it too often, but what she did stopped mattering.

“Not like that bald bitch would be here.”

The ginger snorted at that and looked over her shoulder at the party to see people coming in and out of the frat house. She swayed slightly on her feet, the alcohol numbing her body. Yunjin felt good—the substances were working—and she looked back at Y/n, whose jaw was still tense, yet her eyes were rather red and hooded. She almost felt bad, but stopped herself.

“Yeah, but we have teammates who hate some of us for still hanging with you.” Her words were clear, even though she mumbled, fingers taking back the half-finished joint.

It made Y/n scoff at the words, fingers pressing into the basketball under her arm. Her tongue poked at the inside of her cheek, and it wasn’t difficult for Yunjin to recognise that hell-forsaken emotion in Y/n—that emotion that seemed to control her life in a way that could make it fall apart within seconds.

“They are acting as if I didn’t fucking lead you all to finals last season and create chemistry on court.” Yunjin could call Y/n arrogant for saying that, as a team consisted of teammates and they had to rely on each other, which turned out not to be true. 

“That’s why they’re mad, we can’t do shit now, we all might as well quit unless we get some good chemistry again for next season during sophomore year.” Y/n pretended that she didn’t get affected by the words of sophomore year, that it didn’t worry her that the semester was almost over, and that things would change once again soon. She was about to speak, but Yunjin was quicker, coughing up the smoke as she spoke, too quick.

“Have you tried talking to the board? I swear, like, if you really tried, they would–” Y/n didn’t let her finish. Yunjin should have known better, especially since Y/n already seemed to be held back by thin threads.

“It’s not fucking worth it, drop that shit.” It was a warning that flew right over Yunjin’s drunk and high mind. However, there was still passion behind each of her words—they were more than just some drunk words. Yunjin, unfortunately, always knew what she was talking about. She knew what she was saying. She was aware of how to somehow dig inside Y/n, how to take out the truth that Y/n would always be avoiding.

“No, but it’s so fucking worth it, I swear they would, we suck fucking ass without you and after what happened because the team just split.”

“It’s not my problem anymore.” She tried to reach for the joint, but Yunjin moved back, holding it away from Y/n. “It is, though, no,” she didn’t let Y/n talk when she wanted to, grabbing onto her shoulder to hold her back as she tried to inch for the joint. She knew that the taller girl wanted to get away. “Shut up and just listen.” She tried, but received a shove for her words. The ginger was stubborn, though.

“Don’t tell me to shut up.”

“Then listen, what are you even doing with your life?” she questioned, taking the filter between her lips to gesture with both hands.

That existential question—Y/n hated it. She felt like everything would clear at any second because of how Yunjin had pushed things she tried to forget about. She did so much just to not throw up every day because she couldn’t tell where her life was heading. Everything was moving at full speed around her, and she was stuck in the same place. It made Y/n physically weak and angry with herself. 

“Shut the fuck up, for real,” she muttered, but her closest friend didn’t shut up like she wanted her to. Rather, she shook her head and continued to push for Y/n’s existential dread.

“You’re throwing it away, basketball was everything and still is for you–”

“Yunjin.” Sick—that’s what Y/n had felt each time she heard the confirmation of how she had wasted her potential in a way that felt irreversible. It made her wonder if she would look back at this in ten years and still regret her choices. She knew deep down that she would—because she already did—but it would hurt a lot more when those things were buried even further and would force themselves to life.

“No, the second it got taken away, you just gave up on everything else, too.” Yunjin got angry too, the filter squished between her thumb and index finger as she pointed it at her best friend. Perhaps it hurt her too—not to the same extent, but still—to watch someone just let themselves die slowly because they were stuck after one accident that changed most of their life.

“I found other things,” she tried to brush it off like all the time, but Yunjin blew a childish raspberry in disbelief, throwing her head back before her swollen eyes landed back on Y/n.

“Driving a car, failing classes, and having some bitch to look after isn’t something,” she stated and could instantly tell that it had completely ticked Y/n off the wrong way. However, she wanted to get her point across, even if it meant it would leave a metallic taste in her mouth once again. 

The basketball got pressed against her chest as Y/n almost towered over her, staring down at her, close to that blindness that her anger would cause her. The ball was all that held Yunjin back as she pushed forward to stay in place and not trip back from how hard it was held against her. They both stubbornly held their ground, but nothing would break Yunjin, who didn’t waste time on the temporary.

“Okay, you’re fucking crossing lines here, what the fuck did you say?” Y/n had been watching things disappear from her life again and again. Now she found someone she wanted to stay with, hearing Yunjin imply that it was a waste of time and degrade who Y/n sacrificed herself for made it sound like nothing she did was worthwhile. 

“I don’t mean it like that.” She defended, but Y/n knew that it was more than the word bitch behind all those words. Y/n just wanted to pass beyond the low expectations some had for her, to be the person she was supposed to be, even if for just Daniela. 

“Then why the fuck did you say it?”

“Y/n!” 

She stopped at the call of her name; however, they continued to stare, and she hated the pity in Yunjin's gaze. Y/n hated that people pitied her now that their anger towards her had subsided. How they were at first furious about what had happened, how they blamed her, then stopped to pity her, and left the self-blame and hatred to do on her own. She almost felt like giving up, just admitting everything she felt, and stopping pretending she wasn’t rotting from the inside. 

Yunjin stumbled as Y/n pushed her using the ball that fell to the concrete. Yunjin winced, the butt of the joint fell, and she managed to gather her balance. She watched her friend walk away and towards the other side of the street as if she didn’t carry a burden bigger than the world on her shoulders. One that left her limping as she walked towards the girl who was leaning against the white m30 with a frown and her arms crossed. 

“You fine?” Daniela asked, confused as she had only managed to see Y/n turn away from Yunjin, but the stale expression on her features told her almost enough. She had met Y/n halfway, her hand was grabbed, fingers intertwining, and Y/n’s features unmoving, but as she glanced up at her with her eyebrows raised, she could read the anger she was covered in. It wasn’t anything Dani liked; she didn’t know how to make things better. 

“Yeah, why?” It was quick, dismissive, and she quickly changed the topic as they reached the car, and Y/n opened the passenger seat to let Dani get in. “Ready to leave? Where’s Manon and Lara?” 

Dani stopped as she turned around, not getting in yet, as she planted one hand against Y/n’s stomach, stopping the girl. “Wait,” her eyes glanced over her girlfriend's face. It felt easier now when they talked; that tension in Y/n was gone. 

“What?” Y/n questioned with impatience, staring down at the Latina. Dani knew better than to press more than she already had as she smiled up at Y/n instead, hands running up against her torso and stopping at her shoulders. 

“Nothing, it’s just us, they said they would walk home ‘cause they wanna stay,” she could see that it felt better when they ignored what was bothering Y/n at the moment, as her girlfriend grabbed her chin with her thumb and index finger. She let her head get tilted up as they stared at each other, despite Y/n not smiling that soft smile back at her, she felt safe. 

“I will drive you home then–” She pulled back slightly when Y/n leaned down, hand holding her back right under her neck. Dani shook her head at that. “I’m staying with you, I wanna play the PS in your bed.” 

“Oh, so that’s all you want to come over for?” 

She let her lean down and peck her lips at last as she hummed at the question, mumbling a “You’re the other good part that comes with being at yours.” 

“Sure, I am, get in,” and so she did get in, and Y/n closed the door after; however, whatever little calm she had provided for her girlfriend without it being loud, she watched it disappear right away when Yunjin came running over before Y/n could even make it to the other side.

It was muffled, mixing with the music coming from the frat house. It was intense; there was a growing anger between them both as she watched them get into each other's space. She could tell that it was about Y/n’s situation from most of the words that made it into the car; it wasn’t until Yunjin pointed inside the car that Daniela flinched from the way Y/n grabbed onto the girl by her jersey and pushed her up against the car. This time, Yunjin raised her hands in defence, and it all seemed to quiet down.

“Don’t fuck up again,” Y/n stared down at Yunjin, who mumbled those words, her eyes glancing at where her best friend did to see people looking already. She knew that she couldn’t even fuck up once again; she knew that she had already fucked up enough. People would say that things couldn’t get worse from here, but they only seemed to be able to get worse, and even if there was any type of saving, Y/n felt like it was too late to reach for it. 

Daniela watched Y/n shove Yunjin away from the car, the door swung open while Yunjin scrambled away to not stand in front of it, not missing to kick the tyre of the car. Y/n scoffed as she started the car, the pressure hit Dani as she sped away from the street, watching the speedometer go up on the small street, and she didn’t dare to say anything because she knew that Y/n was on her last thread. 

The car started to slow down after a minute as they drove towards Y/n’s place. She loosened her grip on the steering wheel, seeing that speeding wouldn’t outrun the thoughts or herself. It wasn’t possible to escape the reality of things, but there was no need for reminders when she already lived in it. So, that anger shot right back when her phone buzzed once, then twice, and again. 

“Take my phone and block her.” 

Daniela looked up from her phone as Y/n handed hers to her. She was confused and looked at the notifications that had started to pile up. 

“Why?” She questioned, reading what was being sent, but it was difficult when she had little to no context, except for the little she had heard from inside the car. 

“Don’t ask and just do it.” 

She raised her eyebrows at the command from Y/n, her tone demanding, and Dani didn’t mind her being mad, but she knew that she wasn’t at fault, and the disrespect she felt got on her nerves, too. However, she bit back for a second and frowned at the harsh texts, things no one else would say. 

“What for?” She knew that they were best friends and had come from the same high school and had played together for years. It wasn’t like Y/n to just remove someone that easily, but she also knew that it probably wouldn’t last if she did, especially not someone like Yunjin. 

“Can you just do it?” 

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Dani talked back, giving Y/n a once-over who heaved through her nose, seeing the way her jaw clenched. She was about to talk again, but the phone buzzed once again, and it seemed to be the knife that cut the thread as Y/n snapped. 

“Just block her fucking number, Daniela!” Her voice boomed through the car and Daniela’s body.

“Damn chill, okay!” She exclaimed, clicking her tongue as she did what she was told to do, tossing the phone into Y/n’s lap after. Dani leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms as she glared out the window. She quickly thought it over, her mood got sour, and the frown would not leave. 

“Fuck, just drive me home,” 

The car slowed down, stopping by the curb, and she did her best to keep her gaze out of the car because it would be a surprise if Y/n would turn the car around. They were so different, but also the same, and somehow handled their love. The one thing she wouldn’t accept would be Y/n backing down and driving her home, even if Daniela was upset now, too. 

“I’m sorry, okay,” Y/n sighed as she used the handbrake. She could practically see the parking lot to her apartment from where they were. Driving Dani home wouldn’t be trouble, but it wasn’t something she wanted to do; she felt bad because she never wanted to lash out at her or hurt her. Her hands slid down the steering wheel, and she looked at Daniela, who turned her head, her eyes intense from anger and worry for Y/n that stayed on the inside. 

“She pissed me off, and I don’t want to get angry at you instead–she just got to me–I’m sorry.” She hated fighting with Daniela, even if it did happen–sometimes too often–and it wasn’t always big, but even the small and petty fights would eat at her, and she ran to apologise right away. She knew that Dani had expectations, and she did everything to meet them, but making Dani feel bad over their fights wasn’t on that list.

“It looked serious…” Daniela trailed off, her eyes looking over Y/n’s face before she sighed and slumped back. “I got confused about what was going on,” 

She’d refuse to tell Dani what it was all about; she knew that she had probably caught on a bit of it, but she didn’t want to hurt her by letting her know about the rest of Yunjin’s words. What if Daniela let it get to her head? She wasn’t a distraction to Y/n; she could understand Yunjin, but her best friend refused to understand her, too, when she said that Daniela shouldn’t be a priority. At the same time, she hated how Yunjin had disrespected her girlfriend and their relationship; she didn’t want that from her best friend, and Daniela deserved better. 

“That’s fine,” Y/n stopped, and she was about to drive towards the parking lot again, but didn’t, as she remembered her girlfriend's request. “Do you still want me to drive you home?” 

The air in the room felt thick with last night. Daniela blinked her eyes open; the duvet was about to slip off the bed, barely holding onto her lower back. Y/n’s shoulder had never been ideal to lie on as it was too hard and lean, but she still always ended up sleeping on the peering collarbones. If it hadn’t been for the black hoodie Y/n gave her before they fell asleep, she’d probably be cold despite the warmth in the room. 

Without moving her head, her eyes glanced up through her lashes at Y/n, who was still asleep. Dani lifted her head to turn to the other side, moving slightly, and the duvet slid off her bare legs, landing with a soft thud onto the floor with the rest of the clothes. The ashtray on the night table was almost full with ash and butts from joints and a few cigarettes; it had piled up over time, and she was the only one emptying it for Y/n. 

She sighed, looking at the window where the sun begged to peer through the shades. It was almost at arm's length from her, but she knew that if she reached out to open the window, she’d be a few inches short. However, she knew she would be able to reach her phone that was just on the night table, and so she took it, shifting from Y/n’s hold to lie on her side, which made the latter shift too. It was automatic as she lifted her head, and Y/n’s arm slid under it to lie on, the other arm wrapping around her waist, hand sliding under the hoodie and lying warm on her stomach.

Looking through her socials, seeing the few stories she had been tagged in, but it didn’t last long as she started getting messages in the group chat. It all seemed to be about last night's party until, along the lines, Y/n’s name started to show up, and then Yunjin, the mention of their fight, and she deeply inhaled, turning her phone off and placing it face down on the mattress. Somehow, Y/n’s name had become a constant in her friends' mouths, and all they did was complain while also saying that it had nothing to do with them. 

She always let it slide; perhaps they were right somewhere along the lines, but at the same time, they couldn’t be more wrong. Dani could always feel it in her chest whenever she was with Y/n; it felt safe. Words that came at the right moment, love when she needed it, and her insecurities weren’t too much anymore. She never had to make the first move. 

“Fuck, Dani, that shit is buzzing like you’re the president, come on,” Y/n’s voice was gravely with sleep, and Daniela had barely registered the buzzing from the messages as she spaced out. She clicked her tongue at the complaint.

“It’s 1 p.m., how ‘bout you get up?” She got a hum in return, getting pulled closer by the hand on her stomach. 

“This is what I get for being a chauffeur for you and your friends, hm?” She peeled Y/n’s hand away from her and pushed herself up to sit, fingers pushing her curls into place while she turned around to look at Y/n, who lay with her arms behind her head. Her girlfriend’s eyes squinted, swollen with sleep and dark circles, even though they had slept through half the day; something she had noticed lately about Y/n’s eye. Daniela leaned down, one hand cupping her jaw. Their lips connected for a quick kiss before she attached them once again, and this time for a longer, slower one. 

“You’re not done being one either,” she mumbled, humming as she couldn’t seem to pull away fully despite Y/n’s hands being nowhere near her. With a breathless sound, she forced herself away. 

She ignored the grumble from Y/n, knowing that she would drive her no matter what as she got up from bed. Dani ignored her clothes from last night that were sprawled on Y/n’s floor, heading straight for Y/n’s closet to get something to wear instead. She grabbed a pair of sweats that were hers. She always left her clothes behind at Y/n’s place–just to leave her mark and have something to change into–and always took her girlfriend's clothes to her place as she reached for a tee.

“I need some of my shirts back, baby,” Y/n complained, seeing that another shirt would disappear from her closet and she’d probably never see it again. They stayed at Daniela’s dorm once in a blue moon because she had roommates. It wasn’t like Y/n minded staying over when there were other people, but Dani always wanted to avoid it if possible; she never questioned it. 

“Yeah, sure,” it was dismissive, and she knew it wouldn’t happen as she watched Daniela strip out of what was Y/n’s favourite hoodie that she tossed into the closet, standing naked now. “At least give me something to wear,” she mumbled, not feeling like getting up just yet as she watched her girlfriend change.

“Here, and get up.” The clothes got thrown onto her stomach, and she thanked Dani, who threw the duvet onto the foot of the bed, grabbing the full ashtray from the bedside table as she walked out. Y/n sat up, removing the clothes that were on top of her, moving to sit at the edge of the bed. She buried her face in her hands, pressing against her stinging eyes. That fight with Yunjin didn’t want to leave her alone, and she had thought she would just be able to dismiss it right after, as she did with most arguments, but it wasn’t happening. She couldn’t get away from what would always be under that superficial mask. 

“What do you put empty boxes in the fridge for?” Y/n took a deep breath at Dani’s words, throwing her head back and staring at the ceiling for a second. The second she heard a cupboard get closed, she decided to put on the clothes she had been handed.

“I’d hate to be your roommate,” she shook her head as she stepped out of the bedroom and into the open kitchen and living room, where Dani stood leaning over the counter, phone on the wireless charger. 

“Lies,” Y/n replied as she walked over to the fridge, grabbing the cold redbull and the shelves were empty aside from a few liquor bottles and other soft drinks; the fridge was now cleaned out of the empty boxes. 

“What’s the point of putting back empty shit in the fridge?” Dani questioned, watching Y/n pop open the redbull before ruffling her hair with her hand, fixing her curls before she took a sip. 

“The trash was full, and I didn’t feel like throwing it out. Haven’t had time to call house cleaning,” she shrugged, grabbing the car keys and card holder from the counter, putting them in her pocket. The action of picking up her phone and getting someone to come and clean had been too much work lately. 

“See, I wouldn’t wanna live with you,” Daniela replied, grabbing her phone and walking over to the door, Y/n following right after her. “I keep clean otherwise,” she slipped on the sneakers that her girlfriend had slid over to her, and opened the door, walking out. 

“Mhm, just don’t forget to take the ashtray to your room so I won’t have to throw out cans with ash and filters in them.” Y/n chuckled, shaking her head at the remark. Somehow, it was the small things, despite the tension coming from people around them, that made them spike up; things would feel natural when it was just them, without anyone pulling them apart or pushing them against, telling them what was right and wrong. 

“Is that Dani?” Sophia hummed from the couch at Manon’s question from the bathroom. Daniela had just managed to walk in, kicking off the sneakers she had on. The outfit from last night was left at Y/n’s place. She put down the paper bag with food and drinks and looked at herself in the mirror, fixing a few loose curls that had been blown messily by the wind. Her fingers peeled down the shirt she was wearing to check the few small marks on the juncture of her neck and up. All while doing so, she ignored Sophia’s eyes that were on her until she faced her and grabbed the stuff to walk over to the couch. 

“Food,” she simply stated, slumping down on the couch as she grabbed the iced coffee, taking a long sip to fill the silence while looking through her phone. 

“Oh God, I’m so hungry, thank you~” Manon came out of the bathroom wrapped in a white bathrobe. She grabbed one of the sandwiches, handed a drink to Sophia, who at last put away her laptop. 

“Have you checked the groupchat?” Manon asked between bites, and she slowly glanced up from her phone, looking at her friends who waited for her answer. Daniela simply shook her head, saying no, even if she knew what the texts were about, she just never opened them.

“You know what the texts were about,” Sophia stated, making her roll her eyes, and Manon snickered.

It was always the same; she would sit and listen to her friends complain and warn her about things that she didn’t care for. Dani never enjoyed it, but she never stopped it either; she couldn’t figure out why. Instead, it somehow got to her head for a day or two, and then she’d shake it off. 

“I don’t understand the problem right now.” 

“I guess the sex is still fogging up your brain.” She grabbed the pillow beside her, throwing it at Manon, who caught it with one hand, complaining about how she almost dropped her sandwich. 

“She almost beat up Yunjin’s ass last night.” 

“You weren’t there, what do you know?” Daniela defended, giving Sophia a look of judgment.

“Okay, but she did, most people know.” The other girl added, crossing her bare legs and showing her phone as a way to let her know that people were talking. It seemed that the smallest thing that Y/n did got known around campus within seconds, and it was beyond annoying for Daniela.

“Let’s be honest, whatever it was, Yunjin deserved it.” Her claim made the two girls share a look, and they looked behind Dani at the door that opened to Lara and Sophia’s room; Lara walking out in shorts and a t-shirt, last nights make up smudged, but it somehow looked good. 

“Yunjin is annoying and an asshole–fuck, I need that right now,” Daniela nodded in agreement with Lara’s words, reaching forward for one of the wraps inside the bag and handing it to the girl who climbed over the backrest and slumped down with her head in Dani’s lap. 

“So you don’t know what it was about?” Sophia questioned with her brows furrowed in confusion; despite all the judging they would do towards Y/n, they were still somehow always invested in her business. 

“I never asked; we just drove to her place right after.” Well, she did kind of ask, but she never got an answer, and either way, it wasn’t like Daniela to ask. “Either way, how does that have anything to do with me?” She exclaimed at last, her voice going up in pitch as she started to get annoyed. 

“You’re gonna end up hurt going out with someone like that.” She frowned at Sophia’s words, and Lara lifted her head, looking over the two girls on the other couch. 

“Are we talking about Y/n?” She received hums in response, “aww, I love Y/n.” She cooed, laying her head back down and taking a bite of the sandwich, which made Daniela look at the other two, who did not look convinced at all at the moment. 

“To be fair–” Manon started and leaned forward, throwing the wrapper back into the bag and grabbing an iced coffee from the table, “she’s great, no one is purely flawed, okay, but let’s also be real.” 

Daniela never liked being real about her relationships; they always seemed to end because of her fears, the way she didn’t know how to take a step when there were possible consequences. She was sure that something had to be wrong with her if she couldn’t escape their infidelity and toxicity. Then one day, Y/n showed up, and she felt understood, reassured that her relationship could work out. She could be herself without worrying that she was too much, not having to cater to Y/n as they worked out by being who they were, and not complaining about the way they loved. 

It worked. 

“She’s a crashout and has lost what made her desirable,” Sophia continued for Manon, and she didn’t like those words. Daniela felt bad for hearing them speak about Y/n that way; she felt disrespected by the way they were disrespecting her, but she also couldn’t bring herself to defend Y/n. She had no idea if it was because of the lingering scars of getting too close and ending up hurt because she trusted yet another person.

“That’s fucked up,” she managed to mumble, deciding to look at her phone instead, but it was a weak attempt to try and ignore them because she was still all ears. 

“Right, she’s still desirable, saying this respectfully Dani, Y/n is one of the hottest people on campus and trust there’s a lot of them and she still stands out, but–” She raised her eyebrows at Lara who cleared her throat, the girl seemed to always be halfway on her side, defending her and Y/n, but it wasn’t without pointing out the bad stuff too. –” I think for most it would be hook-ups, not for relationships,” 

“Saying she’d hurt me is fucked up.” She corrected, aware of how much of an impulsive person Y/n could be, but she had never tried to hurt Dani.

“Oh come on, she lost basketball, she’s impulsive, what does she have besides daddy’s money? That’s nothing to elope with; that’s not someone who would ever feel the need to stay faithful or good. Once you lose everything, you don’t care.”

“I’m with her for her, damn, I don’t know what the fuck you look for in relationships, but you gotta work on yourselves. She’s not a cheater, and she hasn’t lost everything.” Lara groaned as her head hit the couch when Daniela stood up from it. “And don't talk about her father.”

“I heard she’s failing most classes,” Manon mumbled with the straw between her lips, adding the last bit of fuel, and Sophia hummed. 

It made Dani stop for a second, as from what she could remember, Y/n had been at the top of most of her classes when they got in a relationship. It wasn’t anything she had asked about. Y/n had always taken pride in how good she was at whatever she did; Y/n had it all.

“Dani,” it made her groan as she looked at Sophia, saying a harsh what. “It’s just for your best, like you deserve good, and that’s beyond treatment. She’s not the best out there.” 

“Who even bought this?” 

“Y/n!” She called out for them to hear as she slammed the door to the bathroom closed.

“See, not the worst,” Lara commented.

She ignored them as she locked the bathroom, knowing that she would end up sitting with her three closest friends again, and they would keep talking, and she knew that she would cool down and then bring up every minor flaw about Y/n that she could because she was insecure, all while defending her too. All she was able to do was give them ammunition and then put on the bulletproof vest and take all the shots before turning to the real target, which seemed to be Y/n, and she hated it. She didn’t know what it was, but every time she promised herself to defend Y/n or not listen to them, she forgot it right away when it happened. 

Why did she have to put distance between Y/n and her instead of trying to figure it out, figure herself out? She didn’t even know how to start because it had never been something she did, and she wasn’t sure if it ever would be her to do it. 

“Dani,” she hummed and pulled the covers down in frustration. She had been unable to fall asleep and couldn’t stop tossing and turning. Each time she closed her eyes, her mind started to race, the anxiety was starting to make her stomach turn, her head was pounding, and her teeth were clenched. She felt sick at the doubts she had because of everyone around her. It was all getting to her again.

Why was it so easy to doubt when she knew that she wanted no one else but Y/n? Why couldn’t she make a choice herself?

“Go run a fucking lap or something, I want to sleep,” Manon grumbled, turning around to face where Daniela’s bed stood. Her eyes squinted to see the outline of the Latina’s body, face barely visible in the almost fully dark room, aside from the street lights that peered through the poorly drawn blinds. 

She’d usually call Y/n, talk with her, have her pick her up, maybe meet up to smoke or to just sleep at her place when she was all in her head this way. Her girlfriend always picked up, always came, she always did whatever Dani asked of her, but this time it was about Y/n, and she couldn’t see her. She appreciated Y/n too much to see her when these negative thoughts were circling her mind. 

“Do you remember the person I was seeing at the start of last semester?” The other girl tiredly hummed, pulling a pillow under her chin to keep her gaze on Dani without falling asleep. 

She couldn’t tell if it was right or wrong to compare Y/n to her previous partners every time she had doubts put in her head. Y/n always seemed perfect. She took care of herself, she had a bright future despite her fallout with basketball because she stayed good in classes, she was probably set for life despite that, but those weren’t the most important things. The girl took care of Dani; she was able to be there for her, and she gave so much. 

“Yeah, asshole, booo,” she murmured under her breath, eyes barely staying open, knowing who Daniela was talking about. “Called you insecure, and texted other girls. Not even that hot to be saying or doing all that.” 

“Yeah,” she confirmed, and silence occupied the room again, ears buzzing from how quiet it had been until they heard someone yell outside in the distance, the campus still being somewhat lively.

She couldn’t grasp how she was so confident about herself, about everything surrounding her, until it came to relationships; she felt so helpless when it came to that.

“I think that–” She turned her head to look towards Manon, eyes big and awaiting what she was about to say. However, Manon stopped and went silent for a bit, as if thinking over what she was about to say. “You and Y/n are somehow perfect for each other. I don’t mean it in a bad way, but you’re Daniela, she is Y/n, yet she” They both pushed themselves up to sit. “Yet she shows up, and is calm when everything around you guys isn’t.”

She hummed at that, fingers picking at the pillow in her lap as she listened to Manon, who, despite the sleep being there and her words slurring, managed to talk. 

“Weirdly so because she’s a total asshole to a lot of people, other than that, you both are different; she’s so reserved and private, and you’re the oppsotie yet you both make it work. So like the same, but also not, and it is honestly so weird.”

She didn’t hear the end of it at the beginning of her relationship with Y/n from people around them; they would never work out because they were too similar in passion and too opposite in personality. Yet, nothing had ever worked out so well for her before. Yes, they would fight, but so did everyone else at times. They knew how to handle their strong love. 

“I don’t even know why I was a hater anymore. I honestly doubt she’d ever hurt someone she loves, like you.” Manon mumbled, “you're lucky to have Y/n, even if she’s… complicated,”

confusion laced her voice, and Dani scoffed out a laugh. 

“Are you high?” Manon laughed at that and slumped back down into her pillows, waving Daniela off. 

“Yeah, do you want a xanax to fall asleep?”

“No, I don’t want your fucking apologies…” Was the last thing Daniela had said to the guy.

She hadn’t been so angry in a while; everything seemed a blur after she ran into her ex at the party. She shouldn’t have gone to a party at the women’s basketball team's house, obviously, her jackass of a soccer-playing ex would be there. 

“See, I fucking told you that we shouldn’t go to any of the parties hosted by damn athletes. I knew that motherfucker would be here!” She snapped at Lara, who was right behind her. Not only had she promised herself not to go to these parties, but also to avoid any athletes, especially dating them. They all seemed to be entitled assholes who were busier than the rest, and therefore, the ground they walked on should be worshipped.

“Don’t blame it all on me.” Her friend tried to defend, but she knew that she had been the one to convince Daniela to come with her. She pushed past people, ignoring the complaints and looks they gave her, knowing that they would forget it in a second or by tomorrow. 

“Wait!” “What!?” Daniela exclaimed, stopping as Lara grabbed her wrist and turned her. She looked a bit nervous as she gave a smile. “I lost my purse somewhere.” The Latina let out an exaggerated groan, throwing her head back, as it meant that she would have to go back inside and help her find it. 

“Fuck, what do you have in it? Can’t we just go?” Lara shook her head, “My phone, ID, and like everything else important.” 

“I’m going to the backyard to look,” Dani replied with annoyance, knowing that they had been there too and that most people were inside, filling most of the basement. 

She never questioned how they would find each other if she were to see Lara’s purse or if they just wouldn’t find it at all, as the latter didn’t have a phone, but she was looking around outside, which was rather quiet. It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm enough for the parties to be outside yet. There was a part of her that just wanted to leave, but another part refused to leave her friend alone, even though she knew she would try to take her to another party afterwards.

Daniela’s mood was ruined after running into a reminder that she would never find love that lasted. 

As she looked around the patio chairs and whatnot, she hadn’t found anything, and she knew that she wouldn’t find anything either, and so she gave up, sitting down by one of the plastic tables. The sound of a basketball only registered in her head when she took a deep breath and tried to calm down, only to realise that the bouncing was bothering her. When the said ball rolled over to her, barely touching her shoe, it seemed to be the last straw, and she felt like crying or punching someone. 

“My bad,” it was a gravely mumble, the scent of weed and sweet and wood-like perfume brushed by her as the person leaned down for the basketball. She took a deep breath, biting down on her lower lip to hold back, and God, she was so close until the person stood up straight and was right in front of her, ball under their arm, the hood on their head, slim, and tall, so tall compared to Daniela. 

The pungent scent of weed came from the lit joint between the plump, glossy lips of the stranger who took it out from between their lips, blowing the smoke away to the side. She reached out for Dani, the tip of it pointed towards her. “As an apology?” The question made her let out a scoff in disbelief; it wasn’t angry, but rather from how ridiculous it felt as she stared at the half-smoked joint. 

“Who are you?” She questioned as she took it, her thoughts distracted from the sheer idiotism; however, she wanted to know who it was before putting it against her lips and inhaling. 

She frowned, but it quickly turned to surprise when the hood got pulled down, a hand coming up to ruffle the soft curls that fell over her shoulders, fixing the small mess. “Y/n,” if someone hadn’t heard about Y/n, they probably weren’t from their university, or the state of California, or even slightly interested in college basketball. Not knowing who Y/n was after the recent news was an even bigger surprise, as she had been trending for the past week.

“I’m Daniela,” Y/n seemed to hesitate in the step that she was about to take away from Daniela, and she never took it. Perhaps she hadn’t expected someone to be casual and not bring up other things. 

She raised her eyebrows when Y/n looked her up and down, the smoke lying on her tongue, and she let out a confused hum as she blew it out. 

“Aren’t you that one soccer player's girlfriend?” The question made Daniela want to recoil. Of course, people would know and be in her business, especially when somehow everyone knew each other or someone who knew someone. It wasn’t like she wasn’t part of that circle, too, knowing things about people she had never met.

“God no,” she let out with disgust and a click of her tongue, giving Y/n a once-over at the question she had asked her. A smile appeared on Y/n’s lips, it was rather smug, and Y/n pulled out one of the plastic chairs by Dani, putting it to face her as she sat down in it, Basketball in her lap while resting her calf against her knee. 

“But you were,” the basketball player stated, it was almost as if to rub in that the soccer player had lost Dani, it was like she was confirming to herself that Daniela was in fact single. However, from what Dani knew, most didn’t care for whether or not someone was single in the first place. 

Her gaze landed on Y/n’s eyes. She had been busy taking in the rest of the player; perhaps she had something for athletes, or maybe she hated them, but Y/n was starting to become an exception the longer she held that smile and gazed with those dazed eyes and long lashes like a puppy. 

Either way, Daniela loved the attention. 

“I was, not anymore, a total dick.” 

The other girl leaned back in the chair, sitting slumped with an unmoving gaze. It felt attentive, “So I’ve heard,” she breathed out.

It made Daniela snort. Over the time she’s been dating, she has dealt with different people; she couldn’t tell if she was simply unlucky or if everyone simply was an asshole. She had yet to run into someone who was at least just good enough, on that fine line.

“And you’re not?” She watched how Y/n seemed to take offence, eyes narrowing as she looked at her with her head slightly tilted back from how she was slouched in the chair. The sound of people coming out made Dani look away for a second. It was dark, there was a slight breeze, but it was warm enough to be able to sit outside, but her skin was starting to get cold.

“What happened that day doesn’t define my character.” 

There was a slight bite in the tone, clearly something that was still bothering Y/n, and surely it would bother anyone who was in her situation. She looked back at her. It wasn’t what she had on her mind; it wasn’t anything Daniela cared about. She had never cared for sports that way; she hadn’t been to a single game at school either. 

“I wasn't referring to that. From what I've heard, she deserved it.” 

“Yeah, she did.” She watched how Y/n leaned forward, the filter tip in Dani’s fingers got taken from her, cold fingers brushing hers. Her eyes watched Y/n take it, who inspected the lipstick stain left on it, blending with the gloss left from earlier, then she looked back up at Daniela with a small smile on her lips. 

“I meant in general, I've heard that the women's basketball team is full of jerks off and on the court,” she wouldn’t pretend to be dumb for Y/n’s sake, even if she was too beautiful for Daniela’s good.

“Good thing I'm not part of the team then, isn’t it?” 

“Avanzini!” Lara’s drunk voice made a vein throb, and she looked behind Y/n to see her friend coming out with the purse in hand. Her eyes temporarily landed on Y/n, who let her head fall back to look behind her at who it was. As Lara approached, she looked over the scene, a big smile on her lips, saying a quick hi to Y/n before looking at Daniela again, too drunk to read the scene quickly enough. 

“There’s another party off campus, my friend texted me,” 

Fuck, Dani had sworn not to mess with any athletes, but just walking away from Y/n now would haunt her for the rest of her life and like Y/n said herself, she wasn’t part of the team. 

She looked at Lara with wide eyes, who looked back at her, confused, pursing her lips at the annoyance she felt. She could not leave yet. Y/n had yet to make any move to ask for her number or any kind of invite for the night. Lara was always so quick-witted, but the densest person Daniela had ever met when she was drunk. 

“We should go, it will take a bit to walk,” she held back from groaning out loud, and instead stood up, pulling down on the sleeves of the thin, almost see-through shirt. It was not an outfit suited for walking in this weather. She gave Y/n a smile whose sleepy-like eyes were glued to her, playing with the filter between her fingers, her head turning to where Dani was walking, as she had hypnotised her.

“I can drive you two,”

It seemed that Lara sobered up when she sat in the back of the car, which was blasting music. She barely kept up with what the two were talking about, but she could tell that they were enjoying it. She would join now and then, but mostly stayed texting on her phone while watching her friend vibe with the half-stranger in whose car they sat. It was probably a fifteen-minute drive to the party that was hosted outside of campus, and she still had no clue why she thought they would be able to walk there.

“Okay, thank you, I will go ahead, have fun!” That was the last Y/n got to see of Lara, whom she had let out of the car, nodding a bye to her before getting back inside the car while releasing a long sigh. 

Daniela looked at her phone as it buzzed, seeing the drunken messages Lara had just sent her.

:dw bout me, getting home with a friend

Praying you get laid 

She hot

And tall asf with a slutty waist

Omg the hands

Good luck

Her gaze averted to Y/n when she got back into the car, her eyes momentarily fell on the hands that gripped onto the steering wheel, caressing along it before she trailed up and met the latter's eyes. She was still waiting for Y/n to offer her something because otherwise, Daniela would be leaving the car in a minute and heading inside the party that she was in no mood for after her ex.

“You don’t look like you wanna be at a party, or am I wrong?” Y/n’s voice was a low hum, vibrating through Daniela’s body with a rasp, and she felt the shivers run over her skin, grazing her with goosebumps and warmth.

“Not really after running into my ex earlier, but what else can you do?” she spoke as she unbuckled her belt and grabbed onto the door handle to get out of the car. 

“Wanna chill instead? We could smoke one, talk, get something to eat, you know…”

Daniela couldn’t deny that she was surprised when she woke up the next day in Y/n’s bed with arms around her; however, all Y/n had insisted on doing was sharing a bed as they talked and smoked until they both passed out, Daniela warm in Y/n’s clothes that she borrowed. She couldn’t help but feel like it was better than any type of sex they could have possibly had that night. It was beyond just sufficing; it wasn’t superficial, but somehow deep. 

Y/n straightened her back once again.

She had always been sitting with confidence; no matter how she would sit, there would never be a bone in her body that would reek with failure, shame, or weakness. As she sat in the leather couch in the counsellor's office, her hands in her lap, fingers pulling at the loose skin around her nails, throat tightening as she kept swallowing, clenching her jaw, and taking deep breaths to appear collected, yet there wouldn’t be a single soul who would get fooled this time.

“Your GPA is low,” she hummed at those words when she heard them. The woman in the chair looked at her as if waiting for something more, to put up a fight and show that she cared and wanted her place, to have a place. Someone who went to an elite school usually had more to say; someone who went to an elite school rarely ended up with the counsellor this way. Y/n was fortunate enough to be able to mess up, though, wasn’t she? 

“Y/n, this isn’t something your parents can fix, and–” It wasn’t the case anymore; she couldn’t keep messing up in this place and getting out of it somewhat fine the way she had her whole life. She would never call it fine, though, but she still got called lucky and blessed.  

Y/n scoffed out a scornful laugh; it was just another poor attempt to mask the frustrations in her throat. Her eyes narrowed, and her leg started to bounce against the wooden floor, more furiously than it had been since she sat down in the chair. She couldn’t let it all out; she never did, she never would. Y/n wanted to explode; the inside was overwhelming. 

“Parent, I don’t have a father, and my mother refuses to do anything since I got forced off the team,” she corrected the woman bitterly at the mention of a man she refused to acknowledge. All she had left was a credit card, but even that had started to come with warnings. All that comfort she had grown up with, always having a safety net to lean back on, was all taken away from her, and Y/n had to start everything from the beginning, not being allowed to do it how she was used to. It was a way to force her to do something, to get back on the team, to bring status to their name, and all she had done so far was bring shame.

She felt useless. Y/n knew that she was useless; she was aware that she hadn’t grown into who she was supposed to be, but she couldn’t tell that to anyone. Too scared to be judged for being this weak. 

The woman leaned forward, resting her intertwined hands on the mahogany desk, the small glasses barely framing her full and round face. Y/n remembered the go-easy talks they used to have about how well it went for Y/n, how she had a bright future ahead of her. The talks of how perfect Y/n and her life were, something everyone wanted. No one would ever want to walk even two steps in her shoes anymore, she was sure of that.

“We will have to dismiss you academically soon, you already tested your luck once, it doesn’t happen twice here–” She started, not joking, or lightening the gloomy and difficult to breathe in clouds. 

Y/n felt like she was choking in the hoodie she had on, warm, burning, and she wanted all the windows open. She just wanted to be able to take a deep breath without feeling like there was a weight on her lungs, preventing her from being able to breathe.  “ –you’ve been breaking rules, and getting away with it, but the board won’t tolerate more, and money is no longer a solution when you don’t bring anything else to the table.”

Y/n needed comfort; she needed to hear that it would work out, that something would, that she would be fine, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask for it; she was too busy worrying about everyone else to even hear those words from someone. She hated being an adult; she hated how harsh the truth was and how she was supposed to be able to handle it just because she was 20. 

If she were to ask, how did she even do it? How did she ask for help, how did she put down those walls, let out what was pent up without feeling like it wasn’t allowed for her to do so, and how would she ever dare show that she could be weak?

It was all dawning around her as she stared down at her bleeding finger; the room was starting to suck her in, and she felt light-headed as it buzzed. She refused to let everything slip through the cracks; she refused to let the dam of emotions break and overflow everything. Y/n didn’t have time for that. 

There was only so much she had; all she could offer was basketball and money, the latter wasn’t even hers, and slowly she wondered if she truly had even deserved anything in her life for real or if it was pure status, all superficial. No matter how much power money held, Y/n realised how powerless she had always been. She had nothing to her, nothing people would want or call worth keeping. All she held now was self-hatred as she couldn’t bring herself to look the woman in the eye.

“I think your best option is a transfer.”

Y/n looked up at the reporters sitting in front of her, the coach sat right beside, the flashes from the cameras had stopped, the cameras were rolling though, picking up every movement. She refused to show any shame, but she knew what she had done, yet her ego was too big and strong to show any remorse in front of everyone. 

“We won’t be answering any questions today.” It went dead silent after her coach had spoken into the microphone. Y/n already knew what she was supposed to say; they had gone over it in the office for the past few days. 

She swallowed, eyes overlooking the crowd. There was confidence in her, which was the last thing anyone expected, but she knew that she was dying. There was still confidence in the person that she had been, but she lost all hope for her future and her life; it was all melting off and getting washed down the drain in different colours. She took a deep breath and refused to let anyone know that she had hit the deepest, most difficult ditch to get out of. 

Anticipation grew as she leaned forward to the microphone, swallowing once more, fearing that it could be heard. That people were able to peer through those cracks in her and see her vulnerability, her regret, fear, self-loathing, that they could see that she was able to feel it, and that she lacked a backbone all this time. Could they all see that she was a no one, just a puppet controlled by the master and the need to please others under that nonchalant facade? Y/n did her best to steady her voice, her eyes aloof, and she felt empty, staring behind the crowd of people as she blurred out the world around her. 

“Due to my actions where I acted unprofessionaly and hurt a player from the opposing team off court, and breaking other rules set by the NCAA, me and the team have discussed it–” She licked at the corner of her lips before biting down on the lower one, with one last breath, “I have decided to face the consequences of my actions, and willfully part ways with the team.” It was all lies; they had forcefully expelled her, which was done rightfully, and the fight she had put up had been for nothing, and she was disillusioned with her life.

The questions were thrown her way, but all she did was stand up together with her now former coach. There was now officially a lump in her throat, and she knew that no words would be able to leave her mouth, but her expression remained the same as she walked off without a slouch of shame. She’d be known as the athlete who hurt someone and was caught with drugs in her veins before she would be forgotten, being only able to dream about doing what she loved now.

It was Y/n’s fault that her life was falling apart. 

She had spent her whole day on the court outside, throwing the ball into the hoop, trying to clear her head, searching for that numbness, as all she did after the talk with the counsellor was take a deep breath and push everything back. She refused to let her emotions and worries out, keeping them pushed back until she would forget them. She was aware that this approach didn’t work, but she would still try. 

It wasn’t like she had the time to let herself process it, to dwell in the reality of her situation, to feel what she was pushing down. Y/n especially did not have time for it as the ball bounced back, the sun shone right at her back, the hoodie was hot, her fingers stung, wrapped in band aids, the weed she had smoked did nothing to calm down that anxiety that was at the pit of her stomach, even though she refused to acknowledge it. It still made her ribcage hurt.

“Y/n!” She’d always recognise that agonising voice, and so she ignored it, still dribbling and throwing the ball as she would run back to get it each time it fell through the hoop. Her name was called again, and the ball bounced back from the headboard, and before she could catch it, it was caught by a much smaller frame. 

She stared at the girl who was looking up at her; Yunjin’s longest-lasting relationship, which was a total shitshow, stood in front of Y/n. Her friend’s ex was someone Y/n hadn’t talked to since the two broke up. Chaewon stood with a gym bag slung over her shoulder, volleyball shorts, and her team jersey, her cheeks still slightly flushed; she had probably just finished practice.

She reached for the basketball that Chaewon held, but she moved it away, holding it away with one hand as she stepped back. 

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Yunjin.” 

Y/n raised her eyebrows in disinterest, knowing that Yunjin would get back with Chaewon within a heartbeat if the girl said so, but Yunjin’s pride was too big to admit that and even if she hadn’t talked to Yun for a good four days, she’d still defend her best friend. 

“She doesn’t want you.” Her voice rang monotone, and she stepped forward to grab the ball, but it got shoved into her stomach, making her hunch slightly as she grabbed it with both hands and coughed out a breath.

“As if I want anything to do with her–” Chaewon bit back, her voice sharp, just like her eyes as she scowled, but Y/n still couldn’t find the interest to care, perhaps that numbness was slowly embracing her, and every single care in the world was disappearing. She stepped in the way when Y/n tried to get past her, adjusting the gym bag on her shoulder. “ –or you, for that matter.”

“Why bother me then?” Y/n questioned, resting the ball under her arm as she stared down at Chaewon. 

“Because Yunjin decided to bother me after you two fought.” She exclaimed, Chaewon had always been a hothead, Y/n didn’t mind it, but she just felt like she never had any need to take it from someone who was nothing to her. 

“How is that my problem?” This time, she managed to step around Chaewon, getting back to the hoop. 

“She called to throw a tantrum about you, and then she went M.I.A., hasn’t been replying since Saturday.” 

Y/n let out a breathless chuckle at that, grabbing the ball as she turned to Chaewon. She shook her head, watching closely as she said the next words to the girl. “She’s probably at some chick's place, fucking away her problems…” Y/n shrugged at her own words, “You know how she is.” Chaewon visibly clenched her jaw and tilted her head in anger.

“Y/n, I’m not joking.”

“Neither am I,” 

She truly wasn’t joking; she was aware of how Yunjin liked to forget about her problems. It was either the parties where she could drink and smoke away the pain like the rest of them, or some girl who would be down. Perhaps none of these people who had “everything” knew how to truly cope with emotions after learning how to either be robots or to throw money at everything.

“I’m serious.” She took a deep breath at Chaewon’s piercing voice and released it, her fingers pinched the bridge of her nose, ignoring the stinging in her fingers as she closed her eyes to collect herself.

“So, what do you want me to do about a grown woman not answering her ex?” 

“That’s not what it is, and you know it; she doesn’t call me otherwise.”

“Fine, Chaewon, fine.” Y/n snapped, her voice laced with annoyance and patience that was thin; it was all already bubbling up inside her and spilling through cracks like small bites. She hated every second of it as she was supposed to be composed, but it was getting too difficult when so much was expected of her.

“You two are so childish, you should just date each other at this point.” The volleyball player spat out, just as annoyed as she gave Y/n a once-over before walking past her with her head held high and attitude lacing each step. Y/n turned, watching Chaewon walk off, distaste spreading all over her face at the words.

“Are you serious?” Her head snapped back at that voice. Everyone seemed furious today, and Y/n was there to take it, to listen, and do what they asked her. It wasn’t like she ever expected anyone to ask her if she was doing fine. “I try to reach you for hours, and you’re messing with some random bitch?” Of course, Daniela would find her at last, and it wasn’t even like Y/n was hiding from her; she had just needed to be able to recollect, gather herself, and be able to breathe to fasten her seatbelt to not crash during the emotional ride on the inside. 

She just wanted to be alone for a while so she wouldn’t end up lashing out at Dani by accident, so she could be there for her girlfriend without dragging her own baggage through the door. 

She never minded Daniela letting out her emotions. Y/n wanted her to be comfortable doing so. However, she just felt more tired than she usually did these past few weeks, and each day it was starting to get harder to get out of bed. Her eyes briefly glanced behind Dani to see Sophia stand outside the court, casting her a dirty look, and Y/n just pursed her lips.

She had no clue why they seemed to hate her; she had always gone out of her way for Daniela and her friends. Never said no to them, always drove them around, bought food, or whatever else seemed suitable, and she loved Dani. 

“Dani, no.” She tried to defend her reputation as it seemed to be in ruins already, and now her girlfriend was furious. 

“Don’t even, we have barely talked for the past few days, and I haven’t been able to reach you the whole day, and you’re with some other girl.” Her finger was already pressed into Y/n’s ribs, giving her a light push afterwards, it was as if there was no stability in Y/n’s frame, which swayed. 

Y/n raised her hands in defence as she had been seen with the last woman she would ever want to be with. “Okay, that was Chaewon, Yunjin’s ex.” However, those reassuring words seemed to do nothing to calm Daniela, and Y/n knew that they wouldn’t do anything. The Latina was still furious, and Y/n tried to keep the water from boiling over in both of them at the moment. 

“I don’t fucking care about who she is, you’d have time for anyone except me.”

“I do have time for you; we just haven’t spent a few days together.” She tried. Y/n had been texting Daniela every single day; she had been putting effort into every message, trying to see her girlfriend, to go out, to come over, to pick her up, everything possible. All she received were dry and short replies back, which took hours to arrive, only to deny Y/n’s invites, and it was nothing new. Each time they were together, and Daniela got back to her friends, they put a distance between them; however, Y/n never voiced it out. 

“A few days? You’ve been ignoring me the whole day, Y/n, and haven’t even tried to catch me for a week. You always make me look stupid; people already think you don’t care.” 

For the first time today, Y/n felt like she might’ve just not been able to handle the way her throat clogged up, and she took a deep breath, tongue poked at the inside of her cheek. Daniela had become Y/n’s safety net; she otherwise had no one to keep her away from herself. No rock to keep her tied to the ground. She hated being in her head this much; she hated feeling like she was about to float and lose control of everything. Y/n hated that Dani thought she didn’t care. With her jaw clenched and eyes blinking, she looked Daniela in the eye, who momentarily frowned, but the anger didn’t subside for more than a split second. 

Maybe everyone was collectively ignoring that Y/n could perhaps be crumbling apart, or maybe they didn’t notice her; Y/n had always felt invincible in the world where she was constantly watched, but that was the point. 

“You know that I didn’t mean to, I just–” She reached for Daniela with her hand, trying to pull her in, but she got shoved off, just like she had been pushed away from her the whole week, only to be told that she was the one putting distance between them. She felt like an misunderstood ghost. As she got shut down, she realised that it was useless to try and open up about it; there was no reason to bother Daniela, even if she didn’t mean to hurt her, because it was Y/n’s fault, she was the one who closed off and didn’t tell her everything. 

Daniela had more important things; it was Y/n’s life that was falling apart, she didn’t have to drag her girlfriend with her. 

“How ‘bout you start doing things that you mean? Don’t act so helpless all the time when you mess up.” 

“Daniela–”

“It’s so on and off with you,” she wouldn’t point out that she was reflecting as Dani gave her one last look before walking off with Sophia.

Y/n stood and watched. The Latina walked off while complaining to her friend. She tried to calm herself, but it was a weak attempt as she threw the basketball full force towards the backboard, ignoring the horrible sound it made as it bounced off and then away. It hurt from how her fists were clenched, and she had no clue how she still had been holding back from letting it all out. 

She sat in her car, Yunjin’s number unblocked, but there was no answer when she called her friend; the pad of her palm hit the steering wheel with each second that passed, and each beep coming from the line. The smoke was starting to gather thickly in the car as she smoked the joint, but it was starting to get on her nerves how the weed did nothing to get the worries away. She needed more and more to feel it affect her with each passing week. 

The knock at her window made her vision get unstuck, and the door opened with that laugh she knew all too well. 

“Hotboxing without me?” Megan said with a grin as she slumped down inside the car and slammed the door closed. Y/n groaned and rubbed at her dry eyes with her fingers, the joint in her hand getting taken from her. 

“Megan–” Y/n looked up and then stopped, watching the girl smoke away at the joint. “Have you seen Yunjin?” She decided to question instead of telling her to get out of the car and give her space. Megan’s head shot up at the question, and she nodded, handing back the joint and grabbing the door handle to get out.

“She’s been playing games at my place for the past few days,” she choked out through the smoke that was still mingling in her lungs, coughing it up at the end of her sentence. As she was about to open the door, Y/n grabbed hold of the hood of her hoodie and pulled her back into the seat, the windows opening slightly as she started the car.

Y/n didn’t expect less when she and Megan entered the younger girl’s messy apartment, the sound of an FPS game blasted together with music, the apartment reeked of weed and faint alcohol, and the place looked more like a trap than a freshly marbled apartment. 

“Jesus, Megz, how ‘bout you clean your shit?” Y/n questioned, kicking off her sneakers while the latter waved her off, taking off her hoodie, throwing it into a pile of clothes by the couch–the place dimly lit and rather warm.

Y/n slowly walked in after Megan, standing behind the white couch where Yunjin sat, invested in the flat screen, not paying them any mind. Megan slumped down beside her, throwing her legs onto the coffee table where there were a few beer bottles, some empty, and a tray with weed and blunt wrappers. There was an empty whiskey bottle on the floor; she could only assume it was from previous days spent on the couch, clothes and empty take-out boxes. The place reflected all three of them. 

With a sigh, Y/n climbed over the couch and, with an exhale, slumped into it. She watched the game for a few seconds, feeling the glance Yunjin threw her, and then she looked at her friend, taking the blunt out from between her lips. It was silent between them; the noise from the game and the music from the speakers filled the living room, and the sound of Megan opening beer bottles did its best to force itself through the noise. Y/n accepted the beverage that had been handed to her, taking a sip before placing it down. She knew that there would be no formal apologies or any kind of talk about what happened, and they had never minded it being that way.

“Chaewon was on my ass,” she stared at Yunjin, who tried to bite back a smile, but she failed, a snort left her before she burst out into a fit of laughter, receiving a shove from Y/n, who laughed with her.

“What did she say?” She questioned between her laughter, taking the beer from Megan, who took the controller from her, as Y/n grabbed one from the coffee table. 

Exhaling a thick cloud, Y/n leaned back, handing the brown wrapper to Yunjin as she focused on the screen to beat the younger girl. She bit her lower lip, remembering what Chaewon had said while trying to forget the hurt she still felt from the interaction she had with Daniela.

“Called us both childish–” Y/n glanced over at Yunjin, whose eyes were swollen from the smoke, red and glassy. “ –she so wants you.” She teased with a laugh, getting a punch to her shoulder from Yunjin, who snorted. 

“No one wants Yunjin,” Megan commented from beside the girl, making her click her tongue.

“You’re in love with your situationship, idiot.” “Okay, too far,” 

“That’s still so sad, Megan.” 

“You guys are coming to the party this Friday, right?” Megan asked to direct the conversation away from her pathetic situation, the conversation shifted into the weekend and suddenly Y/n managed to forget everything, even if it was for a few hours. 

Daniela hadn’t been answering Y/n since they saw each other earlier during the day, and by now it was nearing midnight after she had driven both Megan and Yunjin around. With a bag of food and snacks, she was at her girlfriend's door, leaning against the frame as she knocked, waiting for someone to open after getting past the dorm supervisor.

She knocked once more; this time, she heard loud steps through the door before it opened, revealing Lara, fortunately, who wouldn’t slam the door closed in her face, unlike Sophia; Manon would probably consider it.

“Can I come in?” She questioned, there was a slight hesitation even in Lara this time, though, and Y/n took a deep breath, biting down on her lower lip. Nothing felt good again; that momentary distraction around her friends was now gone. “Please.” It wasn’t a questioning plea, just a pathetic plea that had never left Y/n’s lips before; the facade was starting to get too heavy to carry. 

“I mean–” Lara stepped aside, letting Y/n step in as she kicked off her shoes, pushing them to the side so they wouldn’t be in the way. “ –I don’t wanna get shit for letting you in.” 

“I let myself in,” Y/n reassured the girl, not sparing her another glance as she dragged her feet towards the door to Manon and Dani’s shared room. She grabbed the handle, leaning into the door, and it was quiet on the other side until she pushed the door open, hearing the sound playing from the laptop that was in Daniela’s bed, who looked up from the screen, pushing herself up to sit more straight. The room smelled like Dani and Manon, mixing with a scented candle that was lit by Manon’s bed. 

“That’s a fire hazard if she’s not here.” Y/n decided to test the waters, pointing at the candle with the hand where she held the bag. It made the Latina glance towards it, the sound stopping from the laptop as she paused it.

“It’s a life hazard if you put it out without her consent.” That let Y/n fully close the door behind her and step towards the bed, not needing to keep distance as things seemed to have calmed. 

Daniela watched the way Y/n moved towards her. She had been blinded by her anger, but it was anger she held towards herself, and it had been directed towards Y/n. She felt stupid for listening to her friends once again. She had started to reflect on her wrongdoings and tried to get rid of the guilt she felt for ignoring Y/n. 

This time, she noticed, Y/n was slouched, shoulders in, lacking that confidence she always carried; those sleepy eyes looked rather dull and hollow, but Dani couldn’t figure out why the girl seemed so fragile. There were many reasons as to why Y/n would look and feel that way; she could assume it was because of their fight. 

She moved her legs, and Y/n slumped down on the edge of the bed, pushing herself up and leaning against the wall that the full-sized bed stood by, legs dangling off the bed as Dani held hers against her chest. 

“I got you food, and snacks, some other things too.” It was in these moments that Daniela felt so conflicted; Y/n knew every little thing about her, she remembered the small things, stuff Dani only mentioned once and never again, she knew her routines, and preferences, and she could read Daniela so easily. Y/n was attentive and caring, she spoke of her love and care, and she would show it too. However, Daniela couldn’t seem to let go of the flaws; the ones her friends would mention, even if Y/n hadn’t done anything she’s done to others towards her, those outbursts, that anger, the lifestyle that was off the rails.

Daniela just didn’t know what to make out of it. 

No one had set the bar as high as Y/n, but now she expected Y/n to always work like a clock without ever lagging. They worked so well together, and it was so hard for Daniela to grasp that someone was treating her right, that someone could as well hurt her even if she didn’t, but how could she know what the future held? 

“You forgot the cookies,” she mumbled, lips twisting into a half pout, and Y/n looked inside the bag to see that she had forgotten the cookies Dani liked. 

“Do you want me to go buy them real quick?” Y/n was already on her way up from the bed when Daniela stopped her, knowing that Y/n would leave and drive those ten minutes to buy her some cookies despite having a bag full of food and another full of snacks. Daniela was spoiled, and Y/n always spoiled her more. 

“Sit, I don’t know why I’m complaining, you don’t have to do more, mi amor.” Like a puppy, Y/n listened and sat back down, this time grabbing Dani’s legs and pulling them to rest over hers as she asked if the girl was sure, getting a hum in return. Y/n’s hands soothed over her exposed legs–Dani being in silky pyjama shorts and one of Y/n’s shirts–tracing along the smooth skin while Daniela put the stuff aside on the bedside table.

“I’m sorry for earlier and this whole week, baby,” Y/n spoke up; she was aware that she wasn’t entirely at fault, but she should have known. Y/n knew Dani so well, yet she never questioned why Dani would doubt her, and she should probably know why; there were many reasons to doubt her, and for Daniela’s friends to not favour her. 

“I fucked up, Y/n, I don’t know why I even got so angry–I guess–I mean, you know…” Daniela was at a loss for words; she had no clue how to explain herself. How did she even tell Y/n she was self-destructive in relationships because of how they always turned out? How did she tell Y/n she loved her yet had her doubts, and also let people meddle in their relationship without defending either of them? 

Daniela furrowed her eyebrows. She felt unsure, and suddenly things were starting to get a little too real. It was vulnerable, and they would always end up fighting in moments when there were too many emotions; it was just how they were, but the longer she stared at Y/n, the more she noticed that Y/n didn’t need it at the moment. Daniela didn’t know how to handle it, that was Y/n’s part. 

It was one of those moments where they both felt like opening up, letting it all out as they stared at each other, seeing the other and being able to tell that not everything was right on the inside. Those things no one else noticed about them.

“I love you,” Y/n hummed at those words, her eyes stuck on Dani’s legs in her lap. She listened, but as Daniela continued to look at Y/n, the more Y/n looked like she wasn’t in the room. She still went on to talk about how she felt, hoping it would help them solve something.

“My coping is terrible, I’m not used to someone being there for me or caring the way you do…” This time their eyes met, and Y/n gave her a small squeeze, and something Daniela had learnt was that Y/n wasn’t only that 180, untouchable, aloof, D1 basketball player with a terrible temper who people had pictured to be an asshole. Yes, she had her moments; she was most of those things with people, but she was the softest and most caring person with Daniela (and the people who mattered to her and Dani). 

“You’re somehow perfect for me, and it’s impossible to realise that it doesn’t always have to be bad, the way it was with the rest. I think I panic, I listen to the rest, and act out without thinking because I get scared.” 

Y/n bit her lower lip. She had no clue what to do with her feelings, but she always knew how to soothe someone else. She could tell just by looking into Daniela’s eyes that she needed someone to reassure her and rid her of those fears; Y/n would do just that, but that was something anyone could do. Y/n took things a step further by actually staying true to her words. She’d make the most complicated promises and somehow keep them, just for Daniela, the person she loved and could probably slowly disappear for. 

Dani’s hand slowly crept up onto hers, tracing the protruding veins on Y/n’s hand, who took it into hers. It was a sort of cradle; it was soft, and all Daniela could do was ache because she kept doubting the person who left a soft kiss against her knuckles in reassurance, eyes lingering on hers with nothing but adoration. 

“I love you for you. We will figure it out and work on these things. I don’t mind as long as we’re like this by the end of each day…” Y/n rubbed at Dani’s palm with her thumb, her other hand coming up to push a few of those dark curls behind her ear before tracing down to hold her chin with her thumb. She pulled Dani closer until their noses brushed, breaths mingling and souls tied by love as they could stare each other in the eye and let the other in. “Just know that you’re never gonna be a reason for me to leave, and I am never gonna be another reason for you to be scared, the way they were.” 

Their lips brushed, just the way Y/n looked at her, the way she spoke those words, Dani was left with her lips parted and her heart beating in that way it did when she first heard Y/n say ‘I love you’, it felt like it would be something impossible from someone with a shell that hard on the outside. Somehow, Y/n always proved her wrong, and she just wanted to offer herself fully with nothing to shield her, just for Y/n. 

The tension rose as easily as it always did when they were alone in bed for a second too long, and the surge of adoration she felt for Y/n after those words did nothing to hold her back; instead, she attached her lips to Y/n’s. It came with a desperate sigh from Dani and she could feel Y/n smile into the intense kiss, leaking with passion, love, and lust for each other, she hummed as Y/n pulled on her waist to get her closer, knowing that they were never able to get close enough with Daniela’s hand grabbing onto Y/n’s neck, feeling the pulsing of her veins under her fingers as their tongue met. 

“I’m here to tax!” Manon knocked and didn’t wait a second as she opened the door right after. The knocking on the door had been for nothing. 

“Of course,” Daniela muttered, forcing herself to pull away from Y/n, who barely did anything to pull back. Her thumb wiped away at her lower lip, and Y/n slumped back against the wall, head gently bumping into it in the process. 

“Missed me much? I don’t know if we will all fit in this small bed together, though!” 

“Don’t laugh at her,” Dani snapped when Y/n laughed at what Manon said, trying to dodge the Latina's hand as she covered her lips to stop the laughter. “It’s gonna make her stay longer than necessary.” 

“I am not gonna be disrespected in my house, I live here too,” Manon argued, already picking out a burger and a bag of chips from the separate bags. Dani swatted at her hands when she was about to take the candy she liked, and Manon gave her a look as she clicked her tongue. 

She pointed at the two. “You can have the room for now; however, I will be right outside, my headphones are dead though, so I am rawdogging it, which I hope you two aren’t.” Y/n grabbed onto Dani’s shin when she was about to kick Manon, who barely managed to dodge it before running away.

“Also–” Y/n hummed, Dani groaned, and Manon smiled as she stood right in the door frame. “ –if I sniff out weed, I will appear, I don’t care who’s naked.” 

The door closed, and Daniela clicked her tongue, “You’re lucky you don’t have roommates,’” she spoke, grabbing onto Y/n’s hand and tugging at it, making the latter who chuckled shift and reposition to where Daniela wanted her as she sat beside her now, wrapping an arm around her as the Latina leaned into her.

“You hungry?” Y/n got a hum in response, but Dani did nothing to reach for the food and get started on eating. She instead adjusted the laptop and put it on Y/n’s lap, who reached for the paper bag with food to feed Daniela.

“What did you do today?” She hummed, confused at the sudden question from the smaller girl who looked up at her. “You just seemed off.” Daniela did care, and she had noticed, in the moment she had probably missed it, she had been too angry to acknowledge the fact that something was perhaps wrong. However, she hadn’t forgotten about it, especially not after seeing Y/n tonight, but she was scared of possibly getting an answer and having to do something about it. 

Y/n felt like she had been caught off guard, realising that the light of how things truly were for her had started to slip through the cracks, she tried her best to patch. Even Dani noticed that Y/n hadn’t expected the question; it never seemed like something she needed to ask Y/n, and she rarely did because Y/n was Y/n. 

No one ever asked her anything along the lines of how she was doing. It was like getting caught red-handed when, once in a blue moon, the question came, and she just shut off, not knowing what to say to something she had never heard. 

“Oh, yeah, no, it’s nothing,” Y/n replied, unable to show the world that was falling apart; it was too scary to show that maybe she wasn’t able to handle the pressure that she had to carry on her shoulders. That façade she carried the pieces on was slowly turning to dust, and she couldn’t hold it up; she felt embarrassed about being weak. Y/n was stuck in a self-loathing cycle where the only person she was pissed off with was herself. 

That wasn’t something she felt like she could ask for help with. She always had to do those things alone, figure it out on her own, and avoid bothering people. 

Daniela looked hesitant to let it go for a second, but she knew not to push, and the worries were kissed away, and she decided to forget all about it as her problems were soothed by Y/n instead. The way it had always been, the way she was used to.

“Also…” Daniela hummed at those words, squirming away when her sides got poked, but Y/n held her in place as she did so. “Your mother called and scolded me in Spanish, you rat.” The room filled with laughter as Y/n was trying to recite what Daniela’s mother had said, using her broken Spanish, which Daniela adored. 

“Dani!” 

“What!” 

It had been terribly off balance from the second Daniela walked into Y/n’s apartment, agreeing to, for once, be the one to drive Y/n to a party. As she had walked into the apartment, a mess had been made during the week she hadn’t been there, a bigger one than usual.

“Where’s my shirt!?” She groaned at the question, and her steps were quick after she threw away another can. She should care less; she would never clean anything for anyone this way. Dani knew better, but she cared about Y/n, who always took care of her, and the least she could do was clean up the small messes Y/n could leave. This was not a small mess as she walked into Y/n’s bedroom. 

This one left her with a terrible feeling at the pit of her stomach. How did she clean whatever it was that left Y/n in such a mess? 

“We were supposed to leave like ten minutes ago. What is up with you?” She questioned, her voice high in pitch as she raised it. Both of them were like two strays ready to pounce at each other, with how much tension there was in the air.  

The basketball player let out a frustrated sound and stood up after rummaging through the pile of clothes that had fallen out of her closet, standing in only a bra and the pair of loose jeans that hung from her hips. 

Y/n couldn’t get herself together, the mess of everything, it was getting overwhelming, Dani’s complaints and yelling, all those feelings, and the fact that she couldn’t find her weed ever since she got up at 2 P.M. She was beyond frustrated; she was furious with herself after missing most of her classes during the week, not being able to get out of bed, not being able to clean after herself, it was a miracle that she got herself together for a party she didn’t feel like going to. 

Y/n’s life was at its last crumbs, and she hated every second of it, refusing to succumb to that melancholy that had her in a chokehold. However, it was more difficult with each second, and she felt like collapsing and letting the ground swallow her as she didn’t know what to do with herself anymore. 

“Where’s my shirt?” She questioned, her voice leaking with annoyance, and with petty kicking away the expensive clothes that were on the floor as she had been throwing everything into a pile over the week. The room looked like it would fall apart; the stress in which she had been looking around had only made it bigger. 

“Why would I fucking know where your shit is, Y/n?” Daniela snapped, and Y/n threw one of the t-shirts she held onto the floor as she snapped right back. The two were raising their voices, ready to fight each other, as if it were a plague, the frustrations spreading. 

“Because you always take my fucking things and now I don’t have shit to wear, bro.” Almost nothing seemed to trigger Daniela worse than when Y/n would snap right back, with her voice deep and dominant, letting her anger flow out without a second thought towards the Latina. She hated when their relationship went off balance, when the roles almost switched, and Y/n wasn’t a stable pillar. 

“Don’t fucking bro me or talk that way with me, I swear to god.” Despite the venomous bite in her words, she walked over to the closet where clothes were spilling out and pushed Y/n away, her acrylics scratching along the taller one's stomach in the process. Perhaps just to be more petty than Y/n had been, as if it were a contest.

“Be fucking careful.” Y/n slumped down on her bed, hands holding onto her head and rubbing at it, trying to get rid of the headache as she bounced her knee. There were jitters all over her body.

“Don’t be a bitch–” Daniela commented, and crouched down as she looked through the clothes. “ –short or long?” 

“I don’t know,” Y/n groaned, and they both could feel a vein about to burst, and the latter felt too sober. 

“You never know shit, here.” A snug-fitting tee and a short-sleeved button-up were thrown into her lap, and Daniela walked out, slamming the door closed after her.

She sat there for a second longer, watching the clothes in her lap and replaying the short conversation she had with her mother over the phone earlier. It made her chest tighten once again; her mother was strict, but loving despite Y/n’s flawed childhood, and to hear the disappointment in her voice when Y/n answered and sounded too groggy completely flipped Y/n’s world upside down. 

All she got was a simple question about basketball before the line died when she wasn’t quick enough with her answer. That was the most she had heard of the woman in months. 

She clutched onto the clothes and pulled them to her face, burying her face in them as she tried to take deep breaths. She was hurting the people around her; she was starting to feel the way her dad looked from her point of view. Oh, the last thing Y/n ever wanted was to be like her father. The man who hurt the people around him, the one Y/n despised. She was tired of being tied to that man, the one she was turning into, who ran their family to ruin, the one who made her mother sob. 

She had always had his bad temper, the impulsiveness, the recklessness, the drive for destruction, whether her own or someone else’s. It was killing her, and she was terrified of dragging Dani down with her to that grave that had been set for her ever since she was conceived and had her father’s DNA in her; something she couldn’t escape, no matter how much she would try to reject her father, she would always have his blood. 

She took another deep breath, it felt like her lungs were filled with water as she let it out shakily, and felt some kind of relief as she forced herself to forget her mother’s hurt. She pulled back when her phone started buzzing. Yunjin was calling, and she pressed ignore before standing up and putting on the clothes Dani had thrown her.

As she put them on, she stopped and stared in the body mirror. Her shaky hands smoothed out the material of the short-sleeved button-up, and pulling down on the shirt that stopped right above her hips, leaving her skin slightly exposed as the loose jeans hung low with the belt. She wasn’t her father; unlike him, she would die for Daniela before killing her. 

When she walked out, the open space was empty; she could only assume Daniela was already downstairs, waiting in the car that Y/n walked towards. There was silence between them, tension after the petty little fights that they’ve had ever since they met tonight. It was grasping at Y/n’s neck, choking her. She felt paranoid, terrified that Daniela would start hating her. She just wanted to drown it all. 

The constant buzzing of Y/n’s phone was distracting, and the girl kept declining the calls that resulted in texts, and Daniela kept glancing towards her girlfriend. Y/n sat in the passenger seat of Dani’s car, biting at the edge of her thumb as she ignored the texts, watching the notifications from her friends. 

“Can you at least turn that shit off? Who’s texting you anyway?” 

It truly kept getting worse, and they have had problems with privacy and jealousy, but it never got too bad unless it was Dani, and right now was a terrible moment for it. Daniela couldn’t help it. Y/n had been acting off, and suddenly her phone was being bombarded like never before, and she couldn’t help it. That green monster crept upon her without any warning, and she tried to cover it with annoyance. She tried not to let it shine through, but it was killing her; that fear ran deeper than any kind of willpower, and she would hate for Y/n to hurt her. 

“Since when do you care?”  Y/n questioned back, her tone on the edge, and she watched the way Daniela rolled her eyes at her, not trying to hide her displeasure at all.

“Since you’re acting off and I don’t fucking know what to except of you anymore.” 

“Don’t start that bullshit now, it’s always when I wanna go out.” 

Another silence fell upon them, and Y/n continued to stare at Daniela with a frown; the Latina’s jaw clenched, and eyes blinked rapidly, perhaps to mask any kind of tears that were threatening to gather. It was like a switch when her phone buzzed one more time, and Dani reached for the phone in Y/n’s hand. 

“You’re insane.” Y/n didn’t even fight it; her hand reached for the steering wheel as Daniela opened her phone. It wasn’t like she blamed her; she was aware of the scars running deep in Dani, and those wounds that had yet to heal, the ones Y/n always did her best to treat when they would start to bleed again.

There had been instances where girls had texted Y/n, but it had always been on socials, where she never replied. Y/n was loyal to Dani, and the fact that it was hard for the Latina to grasp wasn’t something she blamed her for; she tried to understand. Y/n just took it; she loved Dani, even her flaws, and she was there for her, even if they sometimes got carried away.

She glanced over at the screen, seeing Daniela scroll to find nothing except texts spammed by Yunjin and Megan.  “Are you going to give me my phone back and drive the damn car or not?” Y/n questioned, still holding onto the steering wheel, and the phone got tossed into her lap. 

Daniela didn’t feel stupid; she was able to justify her actions even if she knew they were wrong, yet she just wanted to get away because she should have known better. She should know that she could trust Y/n. So, once she parked the car, she got out and slammed the door, knowing somewhere deep down that just the action would trigger Y/n, who got out right after, closing the door after her. 

“Dani!” She wanted to walk away, but Y/n’s long legs made it difficult, and her wrist was grabbed onto; however, she made sure to yank it out of her hold. That same hand grabbed onto her waist instead, and Y/n stepped in front of her, stopping her from walking away and looking down at her; this was what made Y/n different. She didn’t call Daniela a bunch of names, she didn’t dare her to do anything, she didn’t try to rile her up by getting into someone else’s pants every time they fought. 

She was there instead, ready to handle the fire they ignited, instead of running from the flames like she was afraid. Someone knew how to handle Daniela’s fire, how to use its warmth instead of telling her to put out that fire. She didn’t hurt Daniela; she reassured her that she was safe. 

“I don’t wanna spend the night this way, not any day, you know it. What’s wrong?” Y/n wasn’t in the right state; everything was burning into ashes, but she would never miss the fact that Daniela was struggling with something too. She could forget the wound that bled and use the bandaid to stop Dani from bleeding instead. 

The Latina stared at the ground. The music was faint, and people could be heard from the front yard of the frat. The night felt soft around them, but the clouds wouldn’t disappear. She pursed her lips for a second before exhaling, wondering what was wrong with her every single time they would fight. Sure, someone was willing to love her despite her flaws, but why did she have to be a whole fire and not some simple flame that didn’t go out of control? Daniela hated how she needed someone to make her better, that she wasn’t able to make the choice herself. 

“Aren’t you tired?” 

When her gaze met Y/n’s, the girl looked like she had been caught with something for a second before her eyes fell into their normal, relaxed state, but they lacked. 

“Tired?” Y/n was so tired, but it would never be because of Dani. She loved what they were together, their love that they lived through, even if she was running on fumes. 

“I’m too fucking much. Why do you even stick around at this point? It’s so annoying that you don’t run off; fuck around behind my back, don’t call me names, that you do this instead.” 

A hand gently cupped her cheek, having her look up. For the first time since she saw Y/n today, there was a smile on her lips. That soft and attentive gaze from those tired eyes; the way Y/n cared.

“You’re the last person I would ever be running from, or the last person I would allow to slip away, no matter what you do, baby. I told you the same thing a few days ago, and nothing is changing.” That was what had ticked Dani off, the fact that her vulnerability hadn’t repulsed Y/n, the truth about her flaws made her stay, and Daniela ended up repulsed by herself. How could she be broken when this was who she was with? 

She let out a whine from the frustration those words caused her, but in a good way; something else frustrated her, and it was the fact that “why are you so sexy?” She complained, unable to ignore the heat that spread through her body and made her heart thud in a way that was as pleasant as it was scary because no one ever made her feel that way. No one ever made her feel safe in a relationship, safe in her skin, as she got loved for who she was. 

She grabbed onto Y/n’s hand that cupped her face, not paying mind to how cold it was compared to hers, the slight jitters in the fingers that were cupping her cheek. Her fingers brushed over Y/n’s, and she leaned up, getting on her toes and making Y/n lean down to connect their lips. Daniela continued to pull onto Y/n, getting her hunched enough to be able to kiss along her jaw and just at the right spot on her neck.

“We’re gonna have to turn around soon,” Y/n mumbled as she pulled back, her hands on the Latina’s hips.

“You’re here!” Megan’s loud laugh sounded through all the background noise, her body colliding into Y/n’s back, who let go of Dani and turned around; her arm wrapping around the shorter girl’s waist to keep her up. The girl had company with her. She could hear Dani faintly curse in Spanish, and she glanced at her girlfriend and then where she was looking to see Yunjin on her way to them with a bounce in her step. 

“And you’re already wasted.” “You’re too sober.” 

Y/n glanced towards the girl Megan had come with, recognising her as the one who was constantly breaking the lovesick puppy’s heart, yet made Megan feel better when she wasn’t cutting her off. She gave her a small smile and looked away, and at Yunjin, who made it over to them. 

“Y’all gonna get to the party or not?” Yunjin quipped, looking at the group as she had followed where Megan ran; the girl always being at Y/n’s heel like a kid as she looked up to her. When Y/n’s eye landed on the blunt between Yunjin’s fingers, she dragged Megan with her like a sack of potatoes and grabbed it. “Got more?” She questioned, putting it between her lips and glancing towards Dani to make sure she was walking with them, seeing her talk to Megan’s situationship as they followed. 

Yunjin hummed, hands in pockets, kicking rocks as she glanced over her shoulder at the two girls who were with Y/n and Megan. It wasn’t hard for anyone to sense that Daniela and Yunjin did not like each other; Y/n almost beat Yunjin’s ass for talking badly about her girlfriend, but it wasn’t something she mentioned to Dani, the Latina just had a hunch that kept her at a distance from Yunjin. 

Yunjin hated that Y/n was distracted because of a girl, instead of trying to get her shit together, get back on the team and fix her grades; she was running after her girlfriend like a dog, in Yunjin’s opinion.

No one seemed to notice what was happening with Y/n, though. 

Y/n missed the fleeting tension as she took a hit of the blunt, finally being able to feel herself breathe and function the way she wanted. It had been a terrible few hours that were kicking her ass without something to try and numb all the emotions. Everything stopped buzzing, her jitters calming, and her body feeling fuzzy instead of cold and rigid. 

“We’re gonna head inside. Manon and Sophia are here.” Daniela informed, making Y/n look away from Yunjin, who was talking. She chewed at the inside of her cheek and glanced around before nodding. 

“Just lemme know if something happens.” “Yeah, don’t get too wasted,” Daniela mumbled as she leaned up to leave a kiss on Y/n’s cheek, “I won’t,”  before she walked away with Megan’s girl. 

It was almost taunting the way Yunjin exhaled when Daniela left, putting her hands behind her head as she stretched from side to side with a grin. Y/n looked at her, confused, while holding the blunt out for Megan, who wanted to be included despite hanging on to her just to stand. 

“Time to get so fucked, it has been too long ‘cause someone is always a little bitch–” Yunjin took the smoke out of Y/n’s hand, making the latter click her tongue at the ash that fell against her palm. It had been a while since Y/n last got wasted the way they always did at their parties; she’d act out of line whenever she had a bit too much and it wasn’t something Dani favoured so she did her best to not test her limits, but whenever she was with the two; there was a devil right on her shoulder that made all those rationalities fly away. “ –plus, Chaewon is here.” 

She gave Yunjin a look, who shrugged, and Megan let out a chuckle as she at last stood up straight. 

“Not everyone here has a partner, bro.” “I do!” “It’s a sad situation, Megs.” “Don’t bring it up when I’m drunk, I’m gonna cry otherwise.”

Y/n tried to control herself, but the more she drank, the less she cared; those problems were worries for tomorrow, and she didn’t stop until she saw the end of the plastic cup, then the next, and next, and it continued as she ran after the substance that would put out her emotions, make her numb and forget it all. Her try for control had been weak; she stopped caring at some point, and despite the melancholy those first drinks caused her, the next ones made her whole face numb. 

It was the first moment in a long while, just a split moment probably, where she couldn’t even remember her name and the responsibilities she carried when she took shots and was dragged by people onto the dance floor. Y/n wished for one thing in that moment: to never sober up and always feel euphoric, to be able to drown in the substance and not have to care. She wanted more. 

She wanted those 3 seconds to last a lifetime.

She had always hated the lows her life came with, never enjoyed the highs, as the in-between was lost, but for this time, it was different, and probably because she had little to lose. Nothing felt better than having nothing to lose and being able to throw her life onto the tracks and see if she would come out alive or not; it was the only good thrill in a while. 

The room was spinning, her heart pounding, and her body warm for the first time in a long time. 

She felt alive in her dead world.

It wasn’t long until she was being dragged through the crowd of people, arm stretched out and a tight grip on her wrist as she did her best not to stumble when following after Daniela. The Latina checked one door, then another, until she opened the door to an empty bathroom and slammed the door closed as she let go of Y/n’s hand.

“You're wasted,” she spat out, her siren-like eyes gazing intensely at Y/n, who squinted her eyes at the bright light in the bathroom. 

“I’m not.” She denied, raising her hands and taking a stumble, grabbing onto the first best thing–a weakly mounted shelf–and Daniela was quick to grab onto the material of the taller one's shirt, hearing threads snap while everything fell off the shelf. 

“We’re leaving, you can barely stand straight.” Her words were a murmur of dissatisfaction and a firm decision, which wasn’t something Y/n was blind to; she just couldn’t seem to find a bone in her body that cared at the moment. It felt like Dani was pulling her away from the euphoria she had been longing for, despite valuing her love for Dani more, and it was starting to get to her. The way everyone always dragged her away from what felt good; the way people tried to drag her away from Dani, how she was dragged away from basketball, classes, and now this.

Where was all that control she always had?

She removed the hands that had saved her from falling, “It’s not like I’m gonna get sober just because we leave,” Y/n pointed out, her argument weak, but she was too drunk to realise how stupid her words were. Daniela grabbed onto her shirt when she was about to walk towards the door, easily pulling Y/n aside, whose balance was off. She fell back onto the wall, crossing her arms, and her hooded eyes stared at Dani. 

“That’s not the point, you obviously can’t control yourself.” Daniela saw the way it caused a bad glint in Y/n’s eyes; something about not being able to have control over her life, let alone emotions, it hit her in the wrong way–it just proved Daniela’s point, as she poked at the inside of her cheek with her tongue. 

“You don’t get to talk control.”

“See, you’re already there, Y/n. I don’t want to see more.” She didn’t want her friends to be right; that ugly side had never been directed towards Daniela, but it didn’t mean that she wanted to see it. It was enough with just one wrong word from someone or a look, and all hell broke loose with Y/n. That was the control Daniela knew Y/n lacked in her otherwise put-together life; that was what caused her trouble, what made her life fall apart.

She grabbed onto Daniela’s hand that was still clutching onto her shirt to hold her in place, and she yanked her forward, into her body. It made her lose balance, and she leaned down, grabbing onto Daniela’s waist with her other hand for better balance. Her forehead pressed against Dani’s, and her glassy and bloodshot eyes stared into Daniela’s clear ones. 

“I love you–” She mumbled, gently pressing her liquor-flavoured lips against Daniela’s, who flattened her hand against Y/n’s chest, feeling the strong thudding of her heart. “ –but I’m not fucking done yet, so, you can stay until I am ready, or you can leave alone.” It earned her a push as she landed against the wall once again with a thud. All she could do was laugh and lean her head back as she stared at the ceiling, swaying gently, grasping for self-control, but it ached. 

“Stop being an asshole,”

It went silent, the music outside trying to push through the door, and Daniela stared at Y/n with disbelief, who was still staring up at the ceiling, her hands coming to cover her face, and she let out a loud groan. Suddenly, that euphoria was gone, and the way Daniela woke her up brought back all the emotions, and they felt much stronger now that she was drunk. They were now like a noose around Y/n’s neck, tightening with every thought and anxious breath she tried to take, but nothing was fully reaching her lungs.  

It made Dani lean back against the counter, watching whatever was happening; all she wanted was to get Y/n out of there; she knew it would be for the best before something happened.

Her heart dropped to her stomach, twisting at the bottom and making heat rise through her spine when Y/n took a deep breath; rather, a shuddering breath. Despite everything, the basketball player had never been close to crying through the time they had been together; she had always been there and held Daniela through it all and made sure she was fine. Daniela couldn’t count how many of Y/n’s shirts she ruined with her mascara. It made Daniela sick, her heart shattering with every second she didn’t do anything to get Y/n out of there to help her figure it out; however, she felt stuck from the shock she was going through. 

Her hands dropped, and she looked at Dani, eyes red and glossy from alcohol, weed, and lashes wet from the tears she had wiped away before Daniela could see them. It was as if it never happened; the intensity was almost unsettling in Y/n’s gaze; they were filled with so many emotions that it made Dani uncomfortable. It wasn’t like Y/n. It scared her; she wasn’t scared of Y/n, but she was scared for Y/n, being able to notice the pattern and sensing that something had truly been wrong these past weeks, months even, and she hadn’t seen it until it all leaked through. Dani hadn’t done anything about it. 

Neither of them had the time to say a single word before the door was pulled open, Megan stumbling inside and holding onto the handle for balance as she caught herself on the floor with her other hand before she could land face-first. Rather than the grin and laugh she usually let out, she looked terrified, eyes wide, pupils dilated, and lips pursed into a thin line as she looked between the two. 

“Yunjin is getting into a fight with Chaewon’s boyfriend.” 

Y/n pushed herself off the wall, pushing Megan out as they were about to walk out the door; she was ready to get rid of it all by getting it out on someone else. She wanted to forget; she knew that it didn’t matter what she did because she had lost close to everything, no one would even see what was wrong, and no one would question whether it was impulsive or a way to just lash out the way kids did. Y/n was always the first to run and fight someone else’s battles. 

However, Daniela grabbed onto her arm, her nails digging into her skin, refusing to let Y/n fight for someone else one more time. To watch Y/n exhaust herself for someone else’s sake. For people who didn’t care if she lived or died, while she threw herself into fires for them. 

“That’s on Yunjin, not Y/n–You’re not going.” She stated, knowing that it wouldn’t end well at all, that it would all fall over even more for Y/n if she went out there and got into an argument that Daniela didn’t want to know how it would end. 

“Don’t fucking piss me off, Dani.” It was like a growl, the words murmured, and she grabbed onto Dani’s wrist, but she didn’t let go as they stared each other down.

“You’re barely fucking standing, get your shit together. She always drags you into her problems.” 

“How ‘bout you don’t fucking try and control every little thing I do?” 

Megan stood awkwardly to the side, holding onto the door frame as she watched the two fight, the way Daniela pulled Y/n back before Y/n was towering over her, a finger pointing at the Latina’s face, who only bit back harder.

“Don’t fucking point your finger at me!”

“Then mind your fuckng business.” 

“I’m your fucking girlfriend.” 

She watched them go back and forth and flinched as the drawer clattered after Y/n pushed at it; however, it didn’t seem to budge, Dani, who grabbed onto Y/n’s shirt so tightly Megan was sure she heard it rip somewhere. The younger girl was unsure if she should interfere or keep standing to the side and watch them fight. Megan adored Y/n; she was happy for her, and she had grown to like Dani, she wanted what they had. She didn’t want them to be this way, and a bad feeling started to grow in her stomach as she could see that Y/n was in no state to fend for Yunjin, again. 

“You go out there and ruin everything once again, we’re done.” Despite the fire in Daniela’s eyes, the fierceness in her voice, just in her, she felt a thick lump at the back of her throat after uttering those words; her biggest fear was losing Y/n. That was exactly what would happen if Y/n walked out there and not because of the threat Dani threw her way–that was an empty one–but because Y/n would kill the little she had left, and Dani couldn’t deal with that. That would mean that she would lose her only pillar. 

Y/n laughed, scornful, eyes glossy and red as she locked her gaze with Dani’s, jaw clenched so hard it was visible through her gaunt face. 

“Say that again.”

“I don’t fucking need that in my life, Y/n.” She really didn’t need those fights, but she truly did need Y/n in all aspects of her life; she had become addicted, dependent on her, but she also loved and cared for Y/n and what would happen to her. 

“Say that to your mother.” Simple words that struck a nerve so deep Dani barely held herself back from slapping Y/n, instead her palm landed hard against Y/n’s chest, the impact leaving an empty echo as she pushed her. This time, Megan, who had been watching the whole thing, grabbed onto Y/n and tugged her to come with her. 

It hurt. Daniela loved her mother more than anyone in the world; she cherished that woman’s every word and opinion. To finally see someone put so much love and effort into even meeting Daniela’s mother the way Y/n did, it had touched something in Daniela’s wounded heart. The way she saw approval in her mother’s eyes, something she always sought after from her. She wasn’t able to sleep for days, trying to figure out how to keep Y/n in her life forever.

Here they were, though; despite her words, Daniela followed right after them, somewhere along the lines of the blurry pushing through the crowd, she had been noticed by Manon and Sophia. Soon they were in the backyard, the intense verbal exchange between Yunjin and Chaewon was heard through the music, some people minded their business while others were invested in what was going on, a small crowd slowly gathered around the yard, yet keeping a distance. 

“What do you mean, boyfriend, you’re literally gay!” Y/n pushed the hair out of her eyes, loose strands sticking to her forehead as her skin was clammy, making it to Yunjin, who had cornered Chaewon, who stood in front of a guy, who snarled at Yunjin, only to get held back by the volleyball player. 

“Just fuck off, Yunjin, I don’t have a fucking label, just as we don’t have any label anymore for good fucking reasons.” 

Y/n grabbed onto Yunjin’s shoulder when she stepped forward, stopping the girl from getting too close as she scanned the guy behind Chaewon; he gave her a look, and it switched something in the way her thoughts were running for a second. She was such a fuck up that people could tell it to her with just one look. She didn’t even need to introduce herself. 

“You were literally blowing up my phone, Chae.”

“You fucking called me, got me worried, then went M.I.A.” This time, Chaewon emphasised each point by pressing a finger into Yunjin’s chest, who grabbed onto the girl’s wrist. Y/n had been watching the jock behind Chaewon the whole time, who reacted the second Yunjin touched the volleyball player.

“Don’t fucking touch my girlfriend, dipshit–I’m gonna knock all your teeth out.” It made Yunjin take a step back as Chaewon got pushed away, her back bumping into Y/n, who gripped her shoulders as the guy stood to tower over her. 

“Y/n, do something.” She clicked her tongue at Megan’s words and pushed the younger girl back so she wouldn’t get hurt, as she had been clinging onto her back, trying to watch the scene from safety. 

“Try me, bitch boy, by the lack of testosterone, I can tell you don’t have the balls to do it.” Yunjin spat out, Y/n hardened her grip on Yunjin’s shoulders, and her heart started pounding, yet she felt numb and oblivious to the anxiety because the alcohol still had a stronger grip on her. There were already so many unsaid things, so much anger brewing in her; it was all just locked up, and now she wanted nothing else but to get Yunjin out of there the way Daniela didn’t want her to be there. She knew why, but she didn’t care if she had nothing to lose. Yunjin was a different case, though; she still had something to lose. 

Yunjin had yet to fuck over her life completely, and as her best friend, Y/n wouldn’t let it all go to waste as her life did. Somewhere along the lines, she realised that no one she hung out with was fortunate (or rather on the right track anymore) and they were set for a fucked over life, but perhaps there was some kind of salvation left. 

She also realised that she tainted the people who came too close.

Her vision blacked out for a second as she pushed Yunjin away before she could swing at the guy, his blow landing against Y/n’s cheekbone. It wasn’t a hard blow, but it bruised her enough. It tasted like blood and regret in her mouth as she clenched her jaw and didn’t think it through, like anything in her life–when she charged into the guy, grabbing onto his shirt and driving him onto the plastic table that didn’t even try to hold them up. There were screams and shouts, bottles clattering, glass shattered, and all she could see was the void that her life had become as she drove one hard single punch against his face, which made his head bounce off the concrete before getting pulled off. 

Y/n was shaking as she landed on the concrete, ignoring the stinging in her palms after they scraped, being dragged by the collar of her shirt by someone, perhaps Yunjin. However, her breathing just picked up, and vision blurred, whether from tears or the adrenaline rush, as everything buzzed. She got out of the grip and scrambled to her feet, her steps quick as she stumbled away from the crowd, wiping at her face, trying to get the hair out of her face and rid of the taste of doom in her mouth. 

Her ears didn’t stop ringing until she stumbled forward after she got pushed from behind, flying onto the grass with a weak whine and groan. The sounds were barely making it through the thick pain in her body. 

“What the fuck did you do that shit for!?” Yunjin shouted, her knees hitting the grass as she grabbed onto Y/n and forced her to turn to face her. She held her by the collar, a weak punch landed against her jaw; Yunjin’s body refused to use any type of force despite trying, it felt like she was trying to hit someone in a dream. Unable to hurt Y/n, no matter how much she pissed her off, no matter how painful the truth dawning upon everyone was. 

“Tell me, why the fuck, Y/n!” Yunjin wasn’t stupid; she knew Y/n was walking a thin line now. 

Y/n’s vision cleared for a moment out of the blur, and she stared at Yunjin, whose nose twitched, lips holding back a quiver with an urge to force hatred into her eyes, which was almost impossible. She raised her fist again, and Y/n flinched this time.

“You don't even care anymore, you've just given up.” The basketball player gritted out, seeing that Y/n’s eyes were dull despite everything that had happened. That she didn’t fight back the way she always did. The realisation in Yunjin’s voice made Y/n feel shame on top of everything else she felt. She was useless. 

“Fucking let go of her,” Daniela’s voice rang through her ears, and she felt sick in her whole body as Yunjin’s grip disappeared, Y/n felt too weak to hold herself up. 

She forced herself to turn onto her front, trying to get up, but all she did was stop as she sat, arms resting on her knees, head heavy in her hands as she spat blood out onto the grass, fighting the sickness in her body, the tears shaking her body up, forcing herself to still keep intact, to not let out more; it wasn’t for her, it was for the people around her to feel and need help, but it was so bad now, she wanted to purge her body clean of it all. 

“Hey, Y/n.” She was grabbed by the top of her head, meeting Megan’s gaze, whose eyes widened, and she let go, “blood, I’m gonna throw up”, standing up and walking off to the side to throw up at the sight of blood. 

With every second, Y/n felt worse. 

Then came those soft hands she loved kissing, and the pain soothed, pulling her to look. Tears were running down Daniela’s face, and Y/n felt like throwing up at the hurt she had caused. Whatever ruins were left in her life, they had just blown away with the wind. She reached for the hands on her face and tried to pull them away at how unworthy she felt of Dani’s touch. It was a weak attempt, only holding onto Dani’s forearm as she let her head rest in those hands she wanted to be cherished in forever. 

Her decisions had hurt Dani, and somewhere deep down, she had known that they would, and maybe that was why she did it. To give Daniela a reason to leave, so she wouldn’t try to stay for someone who wasn’t worth staying for. Y/n always had something to lose; it had always been Dani and herself. 

“Fuck, I hate you so much for this shit, mi amor.” Daniela snivelled, forcing Y/n’s gaze up as her thumb brushed away the blood at the corner of her lip. She had never seen Y/n stumble so hard to the ground before, the way she looked like nothing but weak and vulnerable, it was a haunting sight because it was all the things Y/n wasn’t.

“Dani, let’s go.” She shrugged off the hand that grabbed her shoulder to get her to move. “I’m not going,” she dismissed her friends, refusing to let them put distance between her and Y/n again. There was no way that she would leave Y/n; she never would. Despite all those empty threats, she had felt nothing but fear the second she saw Y/n get behind Yunjin.

“Come on, it’s not worth it, she doesn’t care.” Maybe somewhere along those words was a truth; perhaps Y/n didn’t care, but Daniela knew that even if she didn’t care about anything else, she still cared about Dani. Daniela would always care, even if Y/n didn’t. She’d always see worth in her.

“I don’t care, I’m not leaving.” She argued as she got pulled up, getting out of Sophia’s grip. She pulled at the sleeves of her shirt and wiped at the tears running down her face as she stared at the two of her friends. Why was everyone so against them?

“Don’t play now, stop wasting fucking time on those assholes, what the actual fuck.” She threw her hands up at Sophia’s words in disbelief. The girl was always honest, to the point where it hurt, and Daniela didn’t agree with this truth. She never would because loving Y/n would never be a waste of time. 

“Seriously? Manon?” She scoffed out, looking at Manon, who was right behind Sophia, and she only pursed her lips with a shake of her head. “It’s seriously not worth it,” Manon mumbled; it made Daniela let out a breath as her lower lip trembled and her nose prickled, it made her look up to hold back those tears, but they fell anyway. No one stayed true to their words; her friends kept opening their arms and then turned their backs when she did what she wanted. She only had Y/n. 

“So, everyone is just so much better than her, better than me!?” She shouted at last, feeling like the pity she received from her friends was more degrading than reassuring. It was like they had made a victim out of her, and she never felt like one. They made her some weak being who couldn’t decide for herself or handle any situation; telling her what was right or wrong; telling her who was right and who was wrong for her. 

“It’s not about being better–” Sophia started. It made Daniela glance behind herself as Y/n was still on the ground, Yunjin was being held back by Megan, arguing with the younger girl. “It’s about seeing the truth; there are rich pricks all over this school, why settle for whatever the fuck this is?” 

“Oh, so that’s how it is!?” She caught the way Sophia flinched at Yunjin’s loud voice, who pushed Megan hard enough for the drunk girl to stumble onto the grass. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” It didn’t make Sophia back down, though, as Yunjin made it over to them, shoving Dani aside and walking up until she was a mere inch away from the other girl. She stared her down, hair sticking to her forehead, fist clenched just like her jaw, with her eyes glazed over with alcohol, weed, anger, and disappointment. 

“Rich pricks? All three of you are trust fund babies or living off your parents' money. How are you any different from us, Laforteza?” Sophia yanked away the finger Yunjin pressed against her chest, eyes hard at the mention of her last name that held the status Yunjin was talking about. She looked past Sophia and at Manon, scoffing, and before she could walk up to her, she was shoved back with a warning from Sophia. “How was your winter break in the Alps, Manon?” 

Y/n had done her best to gather herself, hearing the words Yunjin had started to throw around, knowing she wouldn’t stop until she got the reaction she wanted out of everyone. That she would rile everyone up just to prove a point, and even if it was the truth, it wasn’t a truth worth proving. None of what was happening was worth it, as it would wreck everyone; Y/n continued to fight for everyone else. 

“Please, let’s just go,” Daniela mumbled, begging, ignoring the fight between her friends and Yunjin as she helped Y/n up with the help of Megan. Not being up for defending anyone; not being brave enough to stand up for anyone, only wanting Y/n and no one else. 

There was something terrible just brewing in the air since the second they got to the party; it had smelled of alcohol, expensive perfumes, weed, agony, and malice. Nothing had been fun; it was just all to mask the despair, the melancholy, the loneliness that hid among all these people who had it all, yet they felt like they had nothing of real importance. These people who drove knives through anyone’s back just to feel something. 

Y/n hummed in disagreement, untangling her limbs from the two, and Daniela felt that hopelessness hit even deeper. Y/n grabbed the collar of her shirt and wiped away the blood before it could dry up, leaving nothing but a small smear by the corner of her lips. 

“This is why no one fucks with you, Yunjin.” Manon groaned out, feeling fed up with the ill comments that had been thrown at them as everyone fought.

“No, it’s true, no one here likes the other, you’re just friends because it benefits you all–” Yunjin pointed at the two, glancing over to make sure Daniela was still there and heard everything too, pointing at the Latina, then back at Manon and Sophia; talking with everyone in mind. “ –if you didn’t have money or status, you wouldn’t be friends.” She exclaimed and turned around only to get grabbed onto right away as Y/n gripped her jacket, pulling her right into her, making their foreheads bump in the process. 

“Haven’t you had enough?” Y/n’s words made her laugh, and she got rid of Y/n’s grip, shoving her hands away before grabbing her by the shoulder; her grip was hard, digging into Y/n’s skin. Nothing was masking her eyes that held nothing but the truth that was spilling. 

“You two wouldn’t even be together, fuck, you wouldn’t even look at each other, and even if you would, your parents would fucking despise it.”

“Fuck, Y/n, just come on–” Daniela tried to argue, but got cut off by Yunjin, who pushed Y/n and locked onto Dani instead, cutting the Latina off before she could beg Y/n to leave once again. 

“She can decide for herself, I swear to God, since you showed up, shit has just been getting worse. You’re just fucking ruining her more, Daniela.” Those seemed to be the last words out of Yunjin’s mouth before she felt her ears ring, and her head hit the ground, jaw aching, but that wasn’t the end of it, as Y/n was right on top of her, ready to throw more punches. However, it was easy for Yunjin to push Y/n over, pinning her against the grass; the girl was too drunk to be able to overpower Yunjin.

“You think you’re doing something good, being a hero, but you’re ending up just like your father with every little step that you take if you haven’t noticed.” Her words were low, but Y/n heard them loud and clear; they hit hard despite not having much power in her voice. It cut so deeply, left such a deep wound that Yunjin could feel Y/n’s body give up right under her. “Good fucking luck.” She spitefully spat out, letting go of Y/n and getting up, as there wasn’t anything that could be a lower blow or harder truth to spit out. It was what would bury Y/n alive. 

“Yunjin…” “Fuck off, Megan, you’re just as big a dog to everyone who smiles at you.” 

“Are you convinced now?” Sophia questioned, making Daniela look where Y/n was struggling to get up from the grass; the words Yunjin had spat out, the truth no one had wanted to hear, had been brought out of the dark and into light to show its ugly reflection. She felt sick in the company of these people; she felt sick because of the truth, because of who they all were. Dani didn’t want anything to do with them, not at the moment. 

She took in a shaky breath as she stared at Y/n for a second longer, who looked up at her with glossy eyes, before she looked over at her friends. She snivelled, wiping at her eyes before shaking her head, biting back a sob. She ignored Sophia’s words, “suit yourself,” when she turned to Y/n and helped her up; she wouldn’t leave her. Lies, truths, whatever it was; one thing she knew was true was their love.

They had been trying to pull them apart from the start, but she wouldn’t let it happen.

The entire drive back, her hands were quivering, making her grip the wheel harder to be able to hold on without letting go. The adrenaline had left her body, and she felt weak, unable to glance at Y/n, who sat in the passenger seat, not uttering a single word except letting out heavy and shaky breaths, snivelling each time.

Y/n had stumbled out of her shoes when they reached her apartment, and all Daniela could do was stand by the closed door, stuck to the floor as she watched her girlfriend walk inside the bathroom. From her spot, she watched Y/n, who stared in the mirror, observing her with tears brimming in her vision, each time getting rid of the evidence of any tears because it felt wrong to be the one who cried this time. 

The water turned on, and it ran for a while as Y/n’s gaze was stuck on the drain, hands gripping onto the sink, knuckles turning white, and Daniela tried to brace herself. She could see the anger in whatever was left in Y/n’s tattered soul. All that haze that had been before her eyes when it came to Y/n finally disappeared; she had been so blinded by Y/n’s care that she only noticed the suffering behind those sad eyes when everything had already fallen apart. It hurt; she had taken Y/n for granted.

She wasn’t sure if she hated the fact that she was aware more or the fact that noticed too late.

She watched how Y/n carefully leaned down, slow and deliberate movements, so careful as if trying not to move too quickly so that nothing else inside her would break; it was too late, though. It was easy to tell that she was trying to wash off all the regret, all her mistakes, how she was trying to start clean and fresh, to go back to when life wasn’t as bruised and beat up, in need of a new body. However, washing herself only left the water dirty, something that was impossible to clean. 

When she looked back in the mirror; it was still all the same, wet strands of hair clinging to her damp face, drops of water falling from her chin, her clothes stained in blood and grass; the taste in her mouth bitter and metallic, that taste that was difficult to forget, especially the reason as to why it was there to begin with and so a broken sound left Y/n’s bruised lips. She crouched down, still holding onto the sink to not fall apart completely, but she truly was only holding onto a single petal that would blow away with the wind at any second. 

It was a mix between a suppressed sob and an anguished cry, all masked with a groan of frustration as her body shook. There was nothing besides pain; it was so strong that Daniela could feel it. The explosion caused all those shards of pain to hit her right in the chest. Y/n was dying right in front of her; she had been for a while. Y/n didn’t deserve it; she had done nothing but sacrifice herself like a martyr, and ended up as the one who would suffer for everyone else’s mistakes, as her cries broke out through the apartment.

Then came that anger Daniela had braced herself for as Y/n stood back up, barely, and the door to the bathroom slammed closed and everything shattered. 

Y/n couldn’t see anymore; she had tried to hold it all in, she did her best, she took those deep breaths, had thought over what it would mean to fall apart and let it all out, and when she had stood up, she had wanted to go back to normal. It was impossible as her body had been cut open and gutted, spilling it all out and making her vision black out, finding it all unfair, yet she wouldn’t have done anything differently if it helped the rest to feel better. 

She had nothing; no, she had so much, but she was nothing. Y/n was nothing. It wasn’t that she was unworthy of something; it was simply that she had no worth, no real human worth; it had always all been money and status, and she felt like throwing up from the realisation of how empty she was. Yunjin had been right all along.

It was all fake. 

Everything Y/n had ever had was fake; it was materialistic and never genuine, and reality was now a blurry line after all her sacrifices that left her empty, as they never filled her with joy; they never compensated for her fabricated life where she never grew into what was expected. 

Daniela felt sick at the cries and pained sounds coming from the bathroom, the fight of the sounds from Y/n, the sounds of breaking and shattering. It was easy to take anger out; to ruin everything around them because they could afford it. She couldn’t stand there continuing to listen to it; she couldn’t continue telling herself that it was all fine, that Y/n would make it fine, and that everything always worked because they were perfect for each other. 

She realised that perfection didn’t exist as she walked into Y/n’s room, slamming the door closed, wanting to drown out the sound of how ruined Y/n was. How was she supposed to handle the truth, and what Y/n was going through? How was she supposed to be there for her? She knew nothing about the real world; she was only 20 years old. How was she supposed to have it all figured out? Daniela couldn’t help fix it. She wasn’t ready, the same way Y/n wasn’t.

She couldn’t blink, her body went to autopilot as she kept zoning in and out of the terrible reality that they lived; life wasn't just joyrides, drugs and alcohol, parties, money, and parents who got rid of all their problems for them. No one could get rid of or fix everything that shattered on the inside; no matter how much money they had, the reality would always stay the same, even if they masked it because nothing changed under the disguise of a perfect life. The truth stayed the same.

Her clothes ended on the floor as she put on Y/n’s hoodie and shorts, getting under the covers; they had always dealt with problems using money, and this wasn’t something that could be solved with payment. 

A silence fell upon the whole apartment; all she could hear was the loud beating of her heart and the shallow breaths she took, trying to avoid hyperventilating and using up all the air in the dim room. Her heart rate spiked for a second, unsure of what she was supposed to expect when the door creaked open and without a word, Y/n walked in, eyes red and swollen, breathing uneven, yet she was doing everything to keep it quiet; those shuddering breaths still escaped her lips, sobs being bit back, but barely. 

This was a part of Y/n that Daniela had assumed couldn’t exist; she felt stupid for it now, but seeing the anguish in every step and glance of her eyes, it had and always would be possible. People were as fragile as flakes of gold.

The door was pushed and softly fell closed. It made Daniela shift to try and make space for Y/n to lie in the bed; she expected her to just lie down and not say another word. She thought she wouldn’t seek anything and just shut off, the way she was used to Y/n handling things; by being silent and not bothered. 

She barely managed to move before Y/n’s body weight landed atop of her, and Dani clenched her jaw, keeping tears at bay as her insides ached. Her fingers threaded through the curls, running her fingers through Y/n’s hair, who buried her face in her chest, hugging her waist tightly as she took deep breaths. A minute or two went by, a silent comfort, and that comfort seemed to be enough for the stitches to let go as Y/n’s body shook with a sob muffled by the hoodie that Daniela had on. 

“I’m sorry, Dani, I’m so fucking sorry…I’m sorry.” It was like a mantra, but one that was sickening as those broken apologies felt wrong to hear. She wasn’t supposed to be the one apologising for anything. However, Y/n couldn’t help but feel sorry after letting it all out, after her dam broke and she didn’t hold it in to go on with her life like nothing. “I’m just so fucking tired, I couldn’t–I tried not to, I don’t want to be; I just don’t know what to do, I’m sorry.” She continued to apologise for everything she felt, for being able to feel, for daring to feel when she shouldn’t have. Y/n couldn’t even word it.

“Y/n.”

“I didn’t mean to be selfish; it wasn’t for me, but for everyone else.” Daniela’s shaky hands cradled Y/n against her chest, fingers scratching at her scalp as Y/n was curled into her; so vulnerable that Daniela was scared to break the girl even more by accidentally saying the wrong thing. She wasn’t sure how to handle this type of fragility, but she would give her all to keep Y/n whole.

“It will be fine…” She tried to reassure her, feeling how Y/n buried her face deeper into her chest, tightening her grip on her as she spoke. “It’s okay, amor, don’t be sorry for showing emotions.” Daniela received a shaky hum, and she leaned down, her lips leaving small kisses along the heat of Y/n’s crown. She was terrified that she could be wrong, maybe nothing would ever turn out fine for them; Daniela didn’t need more false hope, but she truly believed that it could become fine for her and Y/n, not perfect, but just fine. 

“I don’t want you to keep it all inside.” Of course, she was scared of Y/n letting it all out, but she knew that it was even scarier for her girlfriend, and she didn’t want anything except for Y/n to feel like she didn’t have to be that picture-perfect child her parents had conditioned her to be even if it scared Dani that Y/n could be flawed. 

Perhaps that was for the world, but she didn’t have to be that with Daniela.

“Yun is right.”

Daniela didn’t answer those words; her throat clogged up at them, knowing that Yunjin had exposed the ugly truth about them all. Even if their love was real, even if their friends cared, it all was there because of things that they had previously done before meeting, it was all so real yet superficial. 

“About everything, I’m just like him.” The words faded, and somewhere along the lines, during the time they had been together, without Y/n ever really saying it out loud. Daniela knew that Y/n’s biggest fear was turning out like her father. 

“That’s not true–” “No matter what I do, especially now, everything gets ruined.”

“I love you, Y/n.” She hoped that it was something that mattered to her girlfriend, that no matter how she felt, Daniela still and always would love her. Love could mend it all, couldn’t it? Daniela wasn’t even sure; she couldn’t even tell what love truly was supposed to be anymore, but maybe this was all that love was. Perhaps love was the ugly truth in perfection and was what made people stay despite the grey skies. 

“Thank you,” she hummed at those words, still holding onto Y/n, and she would do so the whole night, her whole life if she needed to. The words ‘thank you’ felt almost wrong to hear. It was the gesture of love that made Y/n grateful; it was so simple, yet she had never gotten it purely. She had never gotten someone’s care for her feelings, and now someone did notice her. She wasn’t invincible to Daniela. Someone saw that she wasn’t selfish.  

“I love you so much, Daniela, more than myself.” 

Y/n would always love everyone more than herself; the love that she should have for herself had always been hatred, and she had always done her best to fill that hole by loving someone. Now she truly did love, it wasn’t just to fill that void, but because it felt right to love Daniela. She’d still always love Daniela more than herself, even if that hatred towards herself hadn’t been as strong when they started dating. 

Y/n had put in the effort of cherishing love, allowing it to come in raw and not superficial; it was imperfect and real, the way she had always wanted to experience love and not the kind where it was about creating a painting worth millions through dull colours and plastic feelings. 

She had fallen asleep in Daniela’s arms for the first time that night, for the first time being the one who was held, and nothing had ever felt as good as being vulnerable around someone she trusted and loved. Y/n had always wanted someone who cared for her too, someone who would allow her and say that it was fine to feel; she wasn’t ostracised by Daniela for showing her most flawed side. It felt good to let her guard down and not get blamed for it, to not get told that it wasn’t right even if she would regret it all the day after. 

Yunjin had been right; trying to help everyone else was martyrdom, and Y/n had sacrificed herself and was left without anything except love. Love was supposed to be enough, and if she were honest with herself, it was, love was enough for Y/n, but it would never be enough in this world. Y/n wasn’t just like her father, but she had ended up just like him, except the reason she lost everything was that she hadn’t been selfish, and surely no one could get everything they wanted, whether for good or bad. 

Megan kept glancing up from her food, picking up another fry, and this time it just dangled between her fingers as she frowned. Aside from the cars driving past them and people walking in and out of the fast food place, radio songs playing from the speakers, it had been completely silent between her and Y/n. She watched the girl who sat with a cap and sunglasses on, hoodie and sweats with disappearing bruises. The soft serve ice cream was slowly melting as Y/n languidly ate it, not caring about how it was dripping on the table they sat at. 

On the inside, Megan was panicking. Y/n wasn’t working as she should be in Megan’s head. She hadn’t said much, but everything was wrong right now, and Megan knew it and hated it. The younger had no idea if things had settled down. It had been two days since the party, and everyone had closed off; there were no words from anyone as she sat staring at her phone for the past two days, waiting for a word from someone. Then Y/n texted, but it was almost like she wasn’t even there. 

“Are you and Dani good?” She questioned at last, letting the cold fry fall back down as she stopped feeling hungry, being too occupied with thoughts.

“We’re good,” Y/n replied. She hated the feeling; she hated how she knew that Daniela had seen her break, seen something that could only be considered weak. It was embarrassing, it made her feel small, and it was the last thing she was. That was the one thing she regretted the most from that night, as everything she had shown was nothing but weaknesses. Everyone saw it. 

“What about the fight?” She reached for Megan's tray, dropping the unfinished ice cream in the paper bag before grabbing the napkins to wipe off the ice cream residue on her fingers. Again, it wasn’t the fight that was a problem for her, but that Daniela felt like she should look after and worry about Y/n too, the same way she did, but she was only comfortable being there for others, not the other way around. 

She threw each napkin back into the bag, never noticing that the ice cream had started to melt when all that was melting was her brain from the overload. Feelings, thoughts, regrets, and cravings. Y/n felt like a ghoul; she had touched on her own Achilles heel and couldn’t make everyone forget. 

“It was nothing, they happen, we're good.” It was short; it could’ve been cold too, but Y/n couldn’t bring herself to be that towards Megan. She would’ve felt bad if she took out her regrets on the girl as she finally looked up at her and stared. Megan looked tired, but Y/n barely got to register it before the others face expression changed to something that made it look like she was all good. 

“What about you and Yunjin?” 

“She's my best friend… what about your girl?” Y/n diverted the topic of Yunjin, who was still her best friend and would probably always be. It always went back to normal between them if they were to see each other again.

Megan scoffed out a surprised laugh at the sudden question, grabbing the paper cup with her soda, taking a sip as Y/n watched from behind her sunglasses. The girl shrugged, clearing her throat as she put down the half-empty cup. 

“She was kind of upset about how I had acted at the party, saw her yesterday with that exchange guy–” Y/n frowned, Megan opened her mouth, closed it, letting out a sigh and deciding to continue. “I did call her after, ended up going to her place, but then, as you guys say, it’s not like we’re in a relationship, so we fucked, and then she asked me to leave when I mentioned him.” 

“Because you don’t show that you care.” 

“I do.” Megan tried to argue, Y/n shook her head, getting up, hands finding their way to the pockets of the baggy grey sweats. She scoffed at those words, “You show that you’re willing to be her fool, running ‘round like some jester while she does what she wants.” Megan trailed behind Y/n as they walked towards the younger girl's car. “I don’t know, beat the shit out of the next person she’s with or something.” Y/n shrugged, hearing Megan let out that nervous laugh as she unlocked the car, both of them getting inside. 

“I don’t really…fight that way.” “I know, it’s just an example, you’re not like that–if it were me though, I would’ve gone to his place to fuck him up.” Megan smiled, starting the car, her eyes still on Y/n, who was talking, “but you gotta stand up for yourself, you know, fight even if not literally–do you have smoke?” She shook her head as Y/n opened the glove compartment, eyes diverting to the car screen, looking at the time and day, hand searching for something in that compartment, just anything to kill that ghoul-like craving. 

“Don’t you have practice soon?” She questioned at last, grabbing the thing that rattled, frowning at the fact that they weren’t at campus so Megan could get ready for basketball.

She quickly grabbed the pill bottle from Y/n’s hands before she could look at it, and the latter raised an eyebrow at that, the car engine humming as they hadn’t moved yet. Y/n removed the sunglasses, seeing that it was a prescription bottle. 

“I quit.” She mumbled before clutching the bottle in her hand. Y/n continued to stare as a tension arose in the car. Megan swallowed, trying to get rid of that scratch at the back of her throat. “When?”, she was quickly thrown off by Megan, who sounded like she was going to drown, but it quickly disappeared as she let out a laugh, and suddenly it seemed like it wasn’t that serious. 

“Last week, it was not like it was serious for me, I was mostly benched and just did it for fun, not for a future…I wanna try something else, maybe, I will see.” Her fingers tapped against the lock of the bottle, Y/n hummed, not sure what to make out of the situation, but she had known that Megan never really tried to make a future of it, that it was more of a fun hobby and she was talented enough to be on the team, but bad enough to not have the sport rule her life.

“Okay…” Y/n slowly replied, eyes now trained on the bottle. “And what’s that?”

“Old prescription, after the surgery last year, I just forgot to throw it out.” 

She hummed, grabbing it out of her hands, not believing what she said, pushing Megan away from trying to pry it out of her hands as Y/n checked it. “It’s from this week, your family doctor.” Y/n read from the label. Oxycodone. It was nothing new to see people abuse their prescriptions, especially when someone could afford a family doctor who liked money. She could point out a handful of people who swallowed these kinds of pills now and then or almost every day. “How often?”

Megan exhaled in defeat through her nose, slumping back in her seat, lips pursed. “Now and then.” Y/n hummed, not approving, but neither was it disapproving, just something between thought and ignorance of consciousness. “Really, it’s just for emergencies. I’m not addicted or anything like that, I swear.” Megan defended, hoping Y/n wouldn’t get the wrong idea, and the latter’s lip quirked into a small smile before it disappeared, and she unscrewed the bottle.

“Does today count as an emergency?” Megan bit her lower lip. It wasn’t like Y/n was going to her classes, or like Megan was going to practice; it could count as an emergency. If they got bored, this was to prevent an emergency from actually happening as Y/n spilled out a pill each onto her palm. 

Daniela couldn’t say that it wasn’t awkward walking through their dorm room; they fought, but they all still lived together, and it wasn’t the first time. Someone would get frozen out, everyone would move on with their lives until that one person would magically get invited back into the warm like nothing ever truly happened aside from reminders coming in now and then, whether by accident or from pettiness. 

She sat in front of Manon, who had a small canvas in front of her, watercolours scattered across the small table they had by the big window in their livingroom. The sun had shed light on what would otherwise feel like a dull and dark dorm these past two days. A wine glass by Manon that was constantly being filled with white wine on a Monday, it wasn’t even lunch yet. Dani felt too sick to make it to class when she got up around 11 am, seeing Manon set everything up. 

She watched Manon scrunch her eyebrows in concentration before a smile broke out on her lips as she reached for the wine glass, taking a gulp, not a sip. Manon didn’t sip. The older woman clicked her tongue, rolling her eyes at Daniela, who had watched her. “It’s a Friday somewhere in the world.” She replied before Daniela could comment, eyes back to focusing on the canvas, and Manon drinking on a Monday morning wasn’t the weird part. 

“Whatever you wanna believe…since when do you paint?” She questioned, seeing Manon doing it for the first time. The latter shrugged. “I don’t, but I took a tab–look.” She hummed as Manon turned the canvas to her, half decent, obvious that it was her first time using watercolours. She sighed, resting her chin in her palm as she placed her elbow on the table. 

Manon had always claimed to be a free spirit, and Daniela was sure it was just an excuse to day drink and get high on whatever she got her hands on that had this type of effect on her. No one commented on it. Manon was doing fine in life, perhaps better than most of them, which maybe was because she didn’t hide it all, at least not fully like they tried to do. 

“Do you wanna join me? I won’t be able to drink all the dom alone.” Manon offered, pointing towards the little wine fridge they had gotten for the room, which was never full for long, two Dom Perignon bottles lay in it, a third on the table. It wasn’t any cheap or tacky daydrinking and mixing. 

“I was going to shower,” Daniela mumbled, ready to get up from the chair, but was stopped by Manon, who grabbed her hand from across the table. Her palm was comforting, soft and warm; it was almost like she needed it right now. No one had been close to her these past two days, and no one talked to the other at the dorm. 

“You can’t wash away your problems…” Manon let go and reached for one of the wine glasses that stood on the windowsill by them, placing it in front of Dani. “You can drink them away, though, but aside from that–” She watched how she poured a glass and then filled hers some more with the white wine. Drinking wasn’t probably a good idea, not in the condition she was in right now, but Manon made it difficult to decline and made it sound good instead. Or maybe Dani just gave in too easily. 

“We could talk about it, too.” Manon was always in the middle. Somehow, it was a comfort to have Manon; Daniela knew she wouldn’t lose her for long.

“About?” She questioned, nimble fingers taking the wine glass from Manon, wondering what they could talk about. 

“The whole fight that happened, you and Y/n.” 

She took another sip from the wine, then another and some more when Manon mentioned what exactly, somehow she should have expected it would be about that. Her tongue stuck out, licking the excess off her lips, clearing her throat and wondering if she was okay with talking about it. It still lay bitterly at the back of her throat, knowing that during that night, those minutes that passed in that front yard, just those few, they had felt like the whole world had turned against her, for something so simple as love. 

Perhaps Daniela had been in the wrong, but she didn’t enjoy questioning her love for Y/n. 

“Y/n and I are fine, I’m not sure about the people I live with.” She said the truth, not having the energy in her to pretend that she was fine. Manon had turned on her too, yet here she was, offering her comfort, wine, and just something to take the edge off. Her eyes stayed on her, watching what Manon would do, what she would say, but all she did was purse her lips, humming as she nodded at the words, not sparing Dani a glance. 

“Sophia will come around, she always does, Lara doesn’t care,” “And you?” Dani was quick to ask, remembering the condescending look she had gotten from Manon. Those questioning looks of why she would stoop so low, like no one was worth all that energy, not even the people she loved, because it didn’t look pretty. It lacked the plastic at the front that made everything seem shiny, where it all stayed in perfect condition. 

This time, she got eye contact, it was somewhere between offence and understanding, Dani had exposed the whole bullshit about being some kind of free spirit, and the way Manon stopped herself from blinking, squinting her eyes for a split second. 

“I don’t like picking sides.” 

“It was clear who you sided with on Friday…It’s fine, though.” 

It went silent. Daniela’s finger circled the rim of the wine glass as she stared at it, her mind replaying everything she remembered from Friday. She had hoped that her mind would have pushed everything away and tried not to remember, but it was vivid. The silence she was in felt comfortable yet awful because she was so lost in her thoughts that she forgot everything around her. 

“I thought it would be for your best if we all just left that mess–” “It’s not a mess, Manon, it’s someone I love.” 

“I don’t mean Y/n, okay look–” Manon sighed, putting down the brush and pushing everything to the side, her white top stained with colours, hands in bright colours, while the mood was anything but colourful. “It was dumb of me, but that for me wasn’t between you and Sophia, it was between listening to something no one, well, at least, I didn’t want to hear or leaving and being spared from what now feels like a headache.”

Daniela hummed, biting her lower lip as she had yet to look at Manon; those words had been the worst thing to happen that night. Nothing had eaten at her as much as those simple words that everyone had at the tip of their tongue but never dared to utter. 

“I don’t care about you and Y/n honestly, and I mean that in the sense that in the end, it isn’t my business as long as you’re not being hurt because as your friend, I care about you.”

“Is it true, though? What she said?” 

Manon let out a breathless chuckle as Dani looked at her, wondering if everything was just materialistic and fake, and it didn’t matter in the end. However, their love was so beautiful because it felt real and imperfect, making her appreciate it more.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I’ve just tried to forget it, sometimes not knowing the truth makes it easier to continue breathing.” 

Y/n: ATL on Thursday, plane at 1, dinner with your mother

Dani: since when?

Y/n: she called bc u werent answering, she wants to have dinner bc you barely talk

Dani: i need to get something to wear

Y/n: dw already figured it out

Dani: thank you amor

Y/n sat on the private jet that was flying them out to Atlanta. There were two champagne glasses, and another glass filled with bourbon, which she had touched while the bubbles stood untouched. It wasn’t strong enough for meeting parents, it was something that was always so nerve-racking, especially when it was Daniela’s parents, specifically her mum. Everything was familiar; she had done this millions of times since she was a kid, as she sat in relaxed dark brown corduroy pants, a black turtle neck that was fitted to her slim waist, with a long fur coat to wear once they would land in the wind. It was luxury, but minimal; she wanted the attention to be on Daniela when they walked together. 

She stretched out her legs, putting one foot over the other as they were covered in sleek leather with the red soles. Her hand reached for the crystal filled with alcohol. Daniela had agreed to two glasses, no more; it wasn’t anything Y/n tried to argue about, she knew she couldn’t get wasted before meeting Dani’s mother. For the first time in a long time, Y/n was actually dreading meeting her girlfriend’s mother. What did it matter right now if Mrs Avanzini liked her?

Was she supposed to tell her how it was going for her academically? 

It shouldn’t matter because Y/n had money, but it was embarrassing, and it wasn’t who she was.

Basketball? Threw that into the trash because of her father’s anger that was pulsing through her veins. 

She could brag about how good she was at smoking away her days, drinking, and popping pills, how good she was at using makeup to cover bruises.

Soft lips pressed against her cheek, and then up to her ear; a shiver ran down her spine as she gripped the crystal harder when teeth grazed her ear. Y/n turned and was about to sit up straight, but Daniela’s hand pushed her back, “I think I owe you a thank you.” The Latina dropped into her lap, making Y/n bite her lower lip, taking in a deep breath, the vanilla scent swallowing her whole, and she looked over Dani, who wrapped her arms around her neck. 

Y/n hummed, her hand coming up and pushing the brown fur coat down Daniela’s shoulder to reveal more of her skin. Her fingers brushed the gold-like skin before leaving a small kiss against her shoulder, taking in the black strapless dress, her other hand running along her thighs that were covered in sheer, floral lace tights. 

“We’re even matching.” 

Y/n smiled and looked down at Daniela’s feet as she showed off her red bottom heels. “We are…you’re beautiful, I love you,” Y/n mumbled, her hand gently grabbed onto Dani’s chin as she tilted her head towards her. They stayed still for a second or two as they stared, between eyes and lips. It tied around Y/n’s heart. She needed Dani. Dani was who Y/n was, but at the same time, her need felt selfish because Daniela gave her purpose; she loved the girl in her lap. 

“You do?” Daniela questioned in a whisper, and Y/n hummed, letting her lips brush Daniela’s in a soft kiss. “A lot.” Y/n breathed out as she got another longer taste of Dani’s lips. Maybe she could survive it for Dani, maybe she could forget that she had felt weak and go back to who she was. Y/n didn’t want Daniela to think she was the weak person she saw that Friday. Y/n didn’t cry; she didn’t break down. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t her. How could she be there for someone if she was dwelling on her own problems too much?

“I love you.” 

The mood quickly changed once they landed. Dani was nervous; she always was a bit nervous, but there was more to it this time as they sat in the backseat of the Maybach that picked them up. They would be there any second now, Daniela was worried; her mother’s opinion mattered to her, and this wouldn’t be the first time her mother would meet Y/n. However, the circumstances were different now. She didn’t know how to tell her that.

Daniela didn’t really know how to be there for Y/n in a way that Y/n would always be there for her. She could give her affection, but they always had been affectionate, and that wasn’t really the same comfort as doing it with the intention of knowing that something was wrong. Dani had been ignoring it because Y/n acted like it didn’t matter, and she wasn’t sure what would happen if she tried to reach out.

Y/n was the steady foundation she depended on. She had no idea what to do without ruining the one thing that kept her together. It scared her, especially after Friday, the fact that Y/n could lose balance, it never happened. 

The door opened for her, and Y/n reached her hand out for Dani as always, helping her come out. At least she was back home. The wind blew cold, the fur kept her warm, and she didn’t expect any other type of treatment. Y/n had taught her that she could be loved unconditionally.

Dani had doubts about where everything was going, the words that were still echoing about whether or not someone was worth it despite love. Was love all that really mattered in a world like theirs? Did status and image matter? Everyone she knew would say that it came above love, but then again, Y/n had dressed her up in vintage fur, tailored dresses, and flown her out. It wasn’t that Daniela couldn’t afford it; she could, over and over again, but it showed that there was status.

She couldn’t figure out how to think, what to feel; everyone was telling her something else, and she suddenly had no idea what she herself thought aside from uncertainty. Dani wasn’t doubtful towards Y/n; she was doubtful towards her own decisions.

Dani took a deep breath, knowing she would have to choose her words carefully now that they entered the restaurant, Y/n’s hand on the small of her back as they were escorted towards the table. 

“Daniela.” 

“Mamá.” Daniela calmly replied to her mother’s tone, which was a mix between serious and warm, knowing she had strayed from her mother this past week. 

Y/n stood back as they had made it to the secluded table by the big glass windows of the sky-high restaurant. Dani’s mother stood up by the chair. She watched, seeing the little bit Daniela’s mother wasn’t able to hide, which was slight irritation, but it wasn’t out of anger, but more so worry. Somehow, she read the woman right, listening to their conversation in Spanish, understanding it well enough to know that she was kind of displeased with the lack of contact.

Daniela’s mother always needed to know what was happening in the girl’s life. 

She wondered if the two were open enough for Daniela to open up about what a wreck Y/n had been. However, by the way her eyes crinkled just the slightest bit for a smallest smile when she saw her, she assumed Daniela didn’t want to ruin the approval of what Y/n was to her mother by not telling her everything. 

“Ma’am.” Daniela bit her lower lip, watching Y/n make it over to her mother, who now sat again. She knew Y/n didn’t have to be told beforehand how to be respectful, unlike other people she tried to bring to her mother. Yet, there was always a worry that something would go wrong and her mum would disapprove. It always felt like she had to hold her breath when something happened, the smallest movement, walking on eggshells, and it could hurt.

Y/n grabbed the woman’s hand, who sat, giving the top a kiss before putting it against her forehead to show the deep respect she carried, as without the woman in front of her, there would be no Daniela. 

“Thank you, Y/n, you can sit, so we can talk.” Y/n smiled at the woman, nodding as she helped Dani out of the fur, a waiter coming to take the coats, and she pulled out the chair for her girlfriend. 

“How about I order something for us to drink?” Y/n got a nod from the woman, who turned to Dani afterwards, who had glanced Y/n’s way, but she was occupied with the waiter thar was on standby. 

“You haven’t been calling me, mija.” 

Daniela held back, pretending to fix her necklace rather than fiddle with it out of nerves. The dim lights, the barely audible sound of people talking as they sat far away from everyone else, nothing was able to tone it down for her for even a bit. She knew that her mother would comfort her in bad, however, she wanted her mother to be proud rather than worried and disapproving.  

“I’ve been busy with lectures, there’s a lot to do,” “you’re not overwhelming yourself, are you?” 

Daniela smiled, shaking her head, knowing that each day felt like an overwhelming load on her back that she dragged because she knew she had and wanted to stay at the top of her classes and her mother’s eyes. 

“I am handling everything I do, mamá, it’s for the future I want.” She felt at ease by the nod she got from her mother. God, if Daniela only knew what she wanted in the future, all she knew was that she wanted Y/n in it, somehow, but she had no clue how it would work; the future spanned over years and years. Was Y/n willing to love and be there for her for all those years? She hadn’t asked her. What if Daniela couldn’t be loved for that long?

It was as if her mother read the question on her face, asking what Dani dreaded to hear from Y/n.

“I’d like to assume you two plan a future together. I don’t want my daughter to be with someone just for the sake of fun. With people like us, it doesn’t work that way.”

Daniela’s hand found Y/n’s thigh under the table, her eyes stuck on Y/n now, whose face stayed easy, draped with nonchalance, but it still held enough care so Daniela couldn’t tell whether or not what Y/n said was true or not, but all she knew was that her mother would believe those words. Y/n was composed while Daniela was crumbling beside her. Y/n's hand grabbed hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze, waiting to answer as they were served a bottle of red wine that the waiter poured for them.

“Daniela is important, so is her future, and your family. I respect your wishes, ma’am.” 

“We’re taking things seriously, but slowly,” Daniela added, their answers being vague yet good enough to satisfy the woman in front of them. 

“I expect no dumb decisions before you both graduate. You two are adults, I trust you to make the right decisions.” 

“Mamá–” Daniela tried, but it wasn’t appreciated as her mother cut her off right away without a second thought. “I am serious, Daniela Andrea.” 

“I don’t take your trust lightly, ma’am,” Y/n reassured, grabbing the glass of wine as Daniela’s mum took hers to take a sip. Daniela sat almost rigid, Y/n’s hand sneaked away and found its way to rest on the Latina’s thigh, thumb rubbing comforting circles. 

“I believe you don’t–so, how are you doing academically?” 

Y/n prolonged her sip; the questions she dreaded had started to come up, and she was sure about everything that was related to Daniela. Daniela was the only thing that gave her something to continue living for; she had nothing else to be good at except Daniela. What was she supposed to say about things that were ruining her and everything good in her life by drowning her and making her pull everyone down with her? What was meaningful?

“Everything is going steady,” she replied, knowing it wasn’t the truth. She felt the way Daniela glanced at her. Everyone knew, everyone noticed, and Y/n hated every second of it because this wasn’t who she was; she didn’t want or need pity, it only made her look small. The only way to get rid of that was to embrace everyone else’s problems so she could forget about hers. “Headed where I want it to.”

“I see, and basketball isn’t anything you’re going to take up again?” She couldn’t get angry at the woman for asking that question that always tied her insides together and made her feel sick. One thing Y/n was good at aside from loving Daniela was basketball, which had always filled that meaning-seeking gap in her, that now Dani filled, but it didn’t mean that she could forget why she lost what she cared about, and how scared she was that she would lose what she cared about now for the same reasons. 

“I haven’t ruled anything out, but my focus is on building something sustainable.” 

She felt like a fool, she knew that basketball wasn’t on the table anymore, but she couldn’t admit it outloud. Yunjin had said it outloud and it made something in her snap, that regret, that fear of being the worst of what was running in her blood, succumbing to defeat; she could do it on the inside, but not say out loud that she was disappearing.

That would make her just like her father, as she would lose something she had been building for years just because she was self-destructive and aware.

But people didn’t have to know that.

Daniela couldn’t tell what was real anymore, but it felt like a collapse, and she couldn’t tell if it was actually happening or not; if she did something about it, everything could truly collapse.

It was late when they finally left the restaurant. Daniela and her mum had bid goodbye as well as Y/n, the two watching the woman’s driver drive away as the Maybach they rode in earlier approached right after. There had been a tension during the whole dinner, one that only the two felt that they were tied by because of the presence of someone so important. 

Neither had said a word to the other since her mother drove away, knowing that half the things they had said in there were only somewhat true, or they were unsure about what they actually admitted to being sure about. At least they could somewhat breathe now, and Daniela’s fingers were still trembling, her body weak as she felt like she could shed tears for a moment. 

She loved her mother, but was so terrified of disappointing her by making the wrong choices, it paralysed her and she tried to avoid making them as much as possible, leaning on the people she could trust instead. Her friends, and mostly Y/n.

The car stopped in front of them, and Y/n quietly opened the door for her, closing it after as she walked around to get in on the other side, where the driver opened the door for her. 

Y/n was quiet, so was Dani, but Y/n’s whole presence was silent; all that was holding Daniela glued together was fear and a hand gently placed at the small of her back. It was all built in, as they didn’t use words, and Daniela didn’t want to know the truth; she just wanted the closeness, and that was enough to let her know that things didn’t have to fall apart by bringing up the truth.

By avoiding the truth, they couldn’t be destroyed. 

They stepped inside the suite. Daniela walked in first, Y/n right after her. She didn’t have to ask as Y/n kneeled in front of her, removing one heel then the other before tossing them to the side and getting up. Each movement echoed in the place, trying to fill the silence caused by dread.

“I’m gonna shower.” Was all Daniela let out, walking ahead, and Y/n stood still for a moment, taking in a deep breath before she continued inside the suite, seeing all their things already there. She sighed, stopping on her way to pick up the fur coat that was on the floor, left behind by Dani. She threw it on one of the armchairs in the big living room before she continued further into what felt like a void. 

Daniela let the rain shower run; she hadn’t even made it out of the dress yet when she slid down to the marble floor, watching the water fall as the bathroom started to steam up. She pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them. All she wanted was Y/n’s comfort and reassurance, which she knew she could get right now, but she was worried it would lead to conversations they weren’t supposed to have, not yet, at least. Daniela wasn’t brave. 

She gently tapped her feet, exhaling as she jutted her lower lip, her thoughts running away and then coming back as they went empty in her head now and then when she got too focused on the water. Daniela was already missing her mother, regretting that she hadn’t told her more to be proud of, but it felt like lately there hadn’t been much that she herself felt proud of, and she couldn’t lie much more to the woman who raised her and made her who she was. 

Who even was Daniela at this point? She was too scared to choose by herself who she was. What if she didn’t choose right? It was dawning on her, like the water that bounced off the expensive marble, droplets hitting her back into where she was and partially hated. It all felt heavy in her eyes now.

Y/n stared out of the ceiling-high windows that stretched through the suite, leaving them with a view of the city from above. She sat slumped down in an armchair, legs stretched out, still in her clothes that had felt like too much to change out of. The armchair was turned towards the view, an ashtray on the side table beside her, and the joint loosely hung from her fingers. All she wanted to do right now was smoke until it all went numb, wishing she had something stronger to get her hands on. 

A better distraction from how it was, tearing her from the inside to be down this hole all alone, not knowing how to stop, not caring about herself anymore. She ashed it before putting it against her lips again, taking another long and deep hit until it couldn’t fill her lungs anymore. It felt better; it was a subtle fuzzy feeling around her body. Y/n wanted her life back, but she had become a martyr, and the old her died fighting for these new things that kept her alive, but somehow she let that kill her on the inside. 

The smoke gathered around her like ghosts that haunted her, and ash fell into the tray when she caught it in time; otherwise, it stained the marble. Her reflection looked timid, and she avoided meeting its gaze, choosing instead to watch the flashing city lights that refused to stand still. She rubbed her eyes with her free hand, barely having the energy to lift the joint from her mouth to the ashtray, wishing she could dissolve like the smoke. 

Her eyes caught the reflection of the silhouette in the big window, watching Daniela make it over to her in that unchaste way that made Y/n sit up straighter and clear her throat. She came into view, fingers trailing down from Y/n’s shoulder and along her collarbones. All she had on was a short, silk black robe, loosely tied, her scent lingered just the way her touch did, now smelling like the stripped version of Dani; that comfort. 

Y/n stared up at Daniela, whose touch left her, her one hand up by the V of the robe, fiddling with the silky material. Her eyes reflected everything Y/n needed to know. She always knew; she saw the insecurities in Daniela, even in a moment like this, she could look past the appeal.

“I need you.” 

It came out quietly, kind of like a plea, and it made Y/n reach out as she was needed, having a way to forget about everything, as being needed gave her somewhere else to disappear. She pulled Daniela into her lap, second-guessing whether or not she should put down the joint; she let it rest lit on the ashtray. Her hands pulled the Latina closer by the waist, whose manicured fingers found their way to the side of her neck and cheek, gently scratching as they both had missed looking the other in the eye. 

Daniela stopped, her hands stilling on Y/n’s skin. Instead of feeling it, she tried to make it stay there forever as she held onto her instead, even if it was gently. Y/n could feel the slight tremble in Dani’s fingers that were on her skin. 

They’d lean in by now and kiss, but somehow stopped for just one second longer than usual and were so much more aware when they finally met. Their lips colliding in what felt like accepting their regrets, insecurities, and fears, even if just for the moment.

Y/n walked out of the airport, this time without Daniela, who had stayed behind for one more night in Atlanta. She couldn’t stay, not after a simple text from her mother that read, ‘I expect you home today,’ and she knew she had to be there even if it was last notice and she was in another state, partially hungover. She pulled the sunglasses down and the hood of her hoodie up, eyes looking for some kind of driver with her name as she expected her mother to fix her one. 

Y/n stretched her back, standing straight at the sight, and her jaw clenched, hand gripping the leather weekend bag. There she stood, leaning against the two-seater, staring back at her was Yunjin, who she knew had probably seen her before she saw her, and just waited to be spotted instead. Y/n walked towards her, and Yunjin pushed herself up to stand straight, meeting Y/n right as she reached the car. 

“What’re you doing here?” 

Yunjin squinted her eyes, hand nonchalantly scratching her neck as the other reached for Y/n’s bag, but she didn’t let go, and the latter smiled at her, chuckling as Y/n refused to let go without an answer. 

“Well, your mother, Y/n, trusts me; someone has to make sure you actually drive straight home from the airport.” 

Yunjin looked satisfied, Y/n could tell because she knew that Yunjin had been right all along and now was the moment it was all proven to her. What else could her mother want from her if not the same thing Yunjin had been telling her this whole time? She let go of the bag that Yunjin took from her, watching her walk towards the trunk and pop it open before tossing the bag inside. This was all that Yunjin had wanted, and maybe it all was for the better because Y/n knew she wouldn’t do anything to get out of where she was because she could see, but not face it. 

“What’re you waiting for?” 

“I’m driving,” Y/n said, raising her hand for the keys to be tossed her way. There was a slight pause, and Yunjin gave her that big smile. “Fine by me, a break would be nice.” She tossed the key towards Y/n, walking over to where she was as Y/n made it to the driver’s seat instead, getting inside and starting the car.

“So, how was it in Atlanta, meeting Mr and Mrs Avanzini?” Yunjin questioned as they were driving through the L.A traffic. Yunjin turned down the music that was the only thing keeping Y/n from thinking too much about how everything could either unravel, be pushed aside, or be handled for her. One way or another, she’d have to make choices and see things she wouldn’t want to see.

“It was just her mother–it was good.” She shortly replied, leaning her head against her palm, resting her elbow against the window. Y/n glanced towards Yunjin, who opened the glove compartment, humming at her answer. She took out a water bottle at first.

“Is he not fond of you?” Y/n frowned, doing a double take this time as right after the water, Yunjin pulled out what was a small tin box, one Y/n recognised well. That wasn’t why she did a double-take, though. “Who?” It was because of the question that caught her off guard, as she was unsure of what exactly Yunjin meant by it. 

She huffed out a chuckle at Y/n’s question, who glanced at her once again, trying to keep her eyes on the road as much as possible while Yunjin opened the box. Her best friend had always been organised, everything always fit perfectly together, running like a Swiss clock, even things that shouldn’t. Two prerolled blunts, a lighter, there was also a small see-through bag with what looked like it had yet to be touched cocaine and a rolled up 100 dollar bill. Y/n’s tongue ran over her gums, and Yunjin took out the blunt and lighter, closing the box and placing it back inside the compartment. 

“Mr Avanzini, how many times have you met him?” The lighter ignited, and Yunjin inhaled, her window sliding down just enough to let the smoke out, but for the wind not to touch her. Y/n swallowed, and the question made her mind drift away from what Yunjin was doing and to thinking about what she said instead. 

She frowned. Daniela never mentioned anything about her father not being fond of Y/n. However, she had met him twice, and only one time was it longer than 30 minutes, which was when she was first introduced to the man. She knew her girlfriend’s parents were busy, so were hers, but it had always been Dani’s mother this and Dani’s mother that; not once had she said anything about what her father was feeling. Then again, Daniela was closer to her mother; then again, her trust lay in her mother to help her choose right. Shouldn’t Mr Avanzini have a say in everything?

Y/n lifted her head from her palm, sitting straighter and clearing her throat. The pungent scent started to embrace her. Daniela’s mother's trust mattered to Y/n, and she had it, but what was important to her was the respect of her father. 

“You know–” Yunjin started. Y/n looked at her, watching as the latter paused to take a drag. It was slow, inhaling it and then slowly blowing it out, not being in a hurry because it wasn’t anything that affected Yunjin. It wasn’t Yunjin who was someone seen as another toy that would be worn out and then thrown out once the daughter was satisfied. Y/n was seen as temporary, so the man didn’t bother seeing her more than once. Maybe that was why she couldn’t tell if everything she had said to Daniela’s mother last night was true. The talks about a future when Y/n couldn’t even live in the present. “It doesn’t have to be complicated; sometimes they just don’t care about things they think aren't permanent.” 

Y/n glanced down, looking at the blunt Yunjin held out to her, all while everything was falling right down on her. “That’s not always a bad thing.” There was a slight tremble in Y/n’s fingers when she took the blunt from Yunjin, who sighed, making herself more comfortable in her seat as she slumped down in it, eyes on the ceiling of the car.

She held the blunt between her fingers with her vision stuck on the road, but it didn’t feel like she was actually paying attention to the road. What if she wanted it to last, and what she said to Dani’s mother last night was all true and real, that despite not being able to live in her own present, she still wanted to live in Dani’s future. It had been the only thing giving her meaning. Y/n had been needed by someone after being thrown out by the basketball team, by the team that had needed her so desperately, that had made her feel temporary, and Dani had done anything but that. 

She had lost her meaning, and everything that built her once.

She put the blunt against her lips and inhaled once, and then twice. She didn’t wait long until she took another drag of the blunt, trying to numb the way thoughts ran through her mind. They eased, and so did the worry of how she had lost and would probably lose everything important to her once again. Maybe Yunjin was right, maybe it wasn’t a bad thing; she didn’t have to try as hard to keep it together when she wasn’t even acknowledged by the men she wanted respect from. If she didn’t exist in his world, what she did or didn’t do wouldn’t matter. 

They made it past the gates, driving up to the mansion where she parked the car by the entrance. Yunjin was first to get out, going to the trunk to take out the bag while Y/n sat there for a minute or two longer without Yunjin rushing her as she just stared at the place that was her home. A home had always been something physical in her mind; it was some building where she slept more than at other places, where she had her things, and memories, everything was stored in one single building. 

There was never a need to redefine a home in her opinion; Y/n had never needed to compensate, but she was starting to rethink everything she had ever believed. Yet when her mother texted her that she wanted her home today, this was exactly where she drove and not to Dani, Megan, Yunjin, her own apartment, or any of their apartments. Not once did she question what home was to her. Was it home and the memories she dreaded or her mother?

The trunk had slammed closed a while ago, but it only now registered to her that Yunjin was still waiting for her. Y/n opened the door and got out, walking ahead of Yunjin, who was right behind her as they made it to the big Mediterranean wooden doors. The sun was grilling her back in the sweat set she had on, pulling down her hood and taking off her glasses first. Blinking to ease her eyes off the sun as she pushed open one of the doors, walking into the grand foyer with the double staircase, her shoes squeaked on the polished beige marble where the chandelier was reflecting like on still water. 

“It’s been a while.” Yunjin hummed out, and right after that, the door fell closed, echoing in the mansion that was seemingly empty. Y/n frowned, knowing they had security that informed them when someone arrived, her mother should’ve been right there, in front of her, but there was no one. 

“Good afternoon, Y/n.” It was one of the hired people who would be found around the place between 6 am and 6 pm who walked in from the left, where the open dining room was. The home was never empty when it came to people, from housekeepers to landscapers. Y/n’s eyes searched above her by the railing, trying to find the woman who partially raised her, but nothing. 

“Hi…” She replied, watching her bag get handed over to the woman, who gave a polite smile. “Where’s my mother?” She questioned before the woman could walk away and up the stairs. 

“Away for the weekend, the rooms have been cleaned and fixed for you, and your friend’s arrival.” “Thank you.” 

“That’s great.” She looked at her friend, who spoke up once the woman walked away. Y/n scoffed, not at Yunjin, but at the way she so blindly followed her mother, coming to what now felt like nothing but a trap that she could leave whenever she wanted, but was too scared to actually leave. 

“We should do something.” “You’re staying?” “You heard her, they fixed me a room, I guess it still has to do with that trust–let’s throw a party tomorrow.” 

Y/n only nodded as she took out her phone, following after Yunjin, who knew her way around, walking through the open rooms until they made it to one of the living rooms connected to the backyard area. She took a deep breath and bit her lower lip, looking over her contacts as she looked at her latest messages, seeing that Dani had texted her, right under was a text from Megan that she had yet to answer from yesterday. Just then, another text from Dani appeared as she walked into the yard, and the notification read ‘call me’ and then yet another, ‘please, miss you’. 

She opened her call list and called, following right after Yunjin as they walked past the neat patio and the lagoon pool that was being cleaned by a man, walking past everything towards the stairs that led further down the backyard, which stretched to what was the basketball court and still went further.

The line connected, there was some rustling on the other end with an annoyed scoff, grumbling and complaints. Y/n smiled, breathing out a laugh as she put it on speaker instead as she made it to Yunjin, wrapping her arm around her shoulders as they both stared at the call. “Are we interrupting something, Meiyok?” 

“Don’t call me that.” Was all they got back before they heard a thud and someone calling the girl an idiot. “Wait…” And so they waited as Y/n’s tongue poked the inside of her cheek before she bit her lower lip to contain the smile at Megan’s way of handling things. The call got muted, and Y/n and Yunjin looked at each other, knowing why.

It took five seconds, and they were greeted by a small and annoyed, “What?” “You didn’t have to stop what you two were doing just because we called, you know?” Yunjin teased, laughing at the way Megan clicked her tongue. 

“Then why call?” Megan exclaimed in annoyance. Y/n chuckled as Megan rarely sounded or came off the way she did at the moment. They had interrupted something of great value, even if it wasn’t as serious as it seemed to be, because the annoyance slowly deflated. “Because we miss you too.” Y/n dragged out, further teasing the girl, and there was a silence at that. 

“What’s going on?” The younger girl questioned on the phone, suspicion lacing her voice, the present was mixing with the past because Y/n and Yunjin called. Y/n wasn’t the brooding friend she had grown used to hearing, and it made her sit up straighter, less slumped, as if all of Megan’s problems had left too. 

“Nothing,” this time, Y/n sounded less teasing and more serious as Yunjin had walked towards the rack with the basketballs, somewhere in the background they could hear what sounded like the lawn mower now mixing with the echo of the basketball. She moved to the shadow of the palm trees surrounding them. Just by the court stood a guest house that was more often used by her and her friends, so they would not have to run back and forth from the mansion and the court. 

“We’re throwing a real party tomorrow at my place, no cheap booze and skunk, be here today though,” Y/n told her, placing her phone on the table by the guest house, and then taking off her hoodie to be able to hoop with Yunjin, the heat clinging to her body. Megan let out a noise as she thought about the words and Y/n lifted her arms above her head stretching, suddenly things felt a bit lighter as she simply detached from everything, from her mother, from Dani, and attached to the present of Yunjin and Megan, seeing that their live’s weren’t too bad compared to hers and she could indulge in them for a moment, live through them. 

“Can I just finish here first?” Y/n laughed, nodding despite Megan not being able to see it. The breeze could now be felt on her body as she was left in a white tank top, sweats hanging loose on her hips. “Not telling you to run here with your clothes barely on–” “But–” Y/n realised Megan wasn’t talking to her anymore as the call got muted once again and then turned on right after. “Nevermind, I’m being thrown out.” 

“Get over here then.” The call ended, Y/n put her phone on ‘Do not disturb’, knowing Megan knew her way around and would make it to them without problem. She connected her phone to the speakers, as she was about to play something, her mind was plagued with something for a second, but she realised she hadn’t forgotten anything. She chose not to remember today as she tossed her phone back on the table and turned to Yunjin.

The ball got tossed to her as she made it to the three-point line, Yunjin ready to guard her. Y/n threw the ball to her once more, hands brushing over the fabric of her loose sweats, rolling her shoulders back afterwards with a small smile. “Gonna dunk so hard on your ass.” “I’m gonna fuck you over real good,” Yunjin replied, this time tossing the ball much harder at Y/n. 

The night came, and it all just became a hum; it wasn’t a distraction anymore, it was a reality as she realised she could get away by simply detaching. Y/n didn’t have what she used to, but she could still be that person despite not having what had driven her forward every day; she wasn’t visible to everyone. 

They were walking back inside after spending the whole afternoon and evening by the court and guest house, doing what Y/n knew she couldn’t fail at, even if she didn’t have some of the things left. She was still better at basketball, better at rolling blunts, indulging in the cold beers, Y/n used to be good at not caring when she knew she was at the top of something, but despite not being on the team, she could still in reality just not care about anything and feel like she was at the top despite it being a crumbling mountain. 

Y/n walked ahead. The plan was to make it to the lounge upstairs and continue smoking and perhaps get something better to drink. However, it was like a tingle, an urge when they passed by a certain door, a heavy one, whether it was because it was physically heavy or because it carried heaviness to it wasn’t what was on Y/n’s mind. All she knew was that she had felt the need to do something; that was all Y/n. 

It made her stop and turn to the study that hadn’t been touched in years; Y/n shouldn’t have cared, but she had always been scared of it. Whether it was because of the authority that room carried or not, she hated feeling weak and small. She swallowed, ignoring the noise from the other two and grabbed the handle. Her father had always made her feel like she was weak and small whenever she had a tiny slip of emotion show in the wrong moment, or at all. 

“Let’s chill here instead–” The handle was cold as she grabbed it, pushing it open, the waft of expensive cigar leaves, wood, leather, and aged bourbon hit her. Those things that, despite how she grew up, Y/n had yet to get to try for real, to get to taste in a setting that wasn’t what they would say was childish. Y/n had yet to make it, and just the scent made her feel even smaller, but no one was there to tell her that she hadn’t earned a spot at the table, that she never would if she wouldn’t actually cut instead of graze. “ –the booze is better.” She reasoned, looking over her shoulder at the two, her shoulders pushed back despite everything feeling inward, her voice unchanging. 

“Father’s office?” Yunjin sounded amused, walking past Y/n when she opened the door fully, only stepping in and not really walking that much further. Yunjin, on the other hand, walked in like she had been there before, her eyes looking over the mahogany shelves, books, heirlooms, and things worth endless money stacked on the shelves. 

Y/n watched her walk over as Megan followed. Yunjin’s fingers brushed over the heavy desk in the middle, which she was sure would be impossible to move, and a big leather chair stood behind it. The office was lit by yellow light bulbs. No one was there to tell her it was wrong, but it felt like she was committing a crime, watching Yunjin, who looked like she belonged there.

In the corner by the big window stood a leather couch, a big coffee table, another armchair out of leather, some crystal filled with bourbon, then a cabinet stacked with different unopened bottles, and more crystal filled. Another cabin stood in the room, but it was filled with cigars instead, a cold buzzing from it to keep them in perfect condition.

Megan seemed careful. She gently sat down on the leather couch. Y/n could see the hesitation on her face, not knowing what to do with the blunt in her hand as she almost put it out on the crystal ashtray. It was taken away from her once Yunjin slumped down on the couch beside her and took it to put between her lips. 

“How ‘bout you pour your guests something to drink?”

Y/n finally stepped forward, moving into the space, letting the door fall closed, officially being inside and behind closed doors, where it felt like there was no way out. She walked over to the tray behind the couch, grabbed the crystal and opening it, her fingers danced over the heavy crystal glasses before actually pouring it. She grabbed two, frowning slightly yet still bringing them over to the two, Megan saying thanks.

She walked back and stood over the tray where her half-filled glass stood, picking it up as well as reaching into her pocket to take out her phone. The phone was vibrating as she had been called enough for it to go through ‘Do not Disturb’, and it was Dani who was calling, again. She had multiple missed calls from her girlfriend, and it dawned upon her how little she had cared today, and how the consequences of it were painful because it just brought back everything else. 

Y/n took a sip as she answered, the strong taste spread across her tongue, burning her throat, and it was so much better than anything she had drunk before, but difficult to get down. It made her wonder how she couldn’t be invited, but had to come and try to find a place where she didn’t fit and probably never would. How could she be what people wanted her to be? What Yunjin told her she should be, her father, mother, she couldn’t even be there for Dani. 

“Hey…” It was quiet and soft when she spoke; not being able to act like she didn’t care, but it was silent on Daniela’s end for a few more seconds. It was enough for Y/n to pull the phone away and see if the call was still ongoing; it was, and so she put it against her ear again, about to speak again. 

“I thought you wouldn’t answer.” Daniela’s voice wasn’t as soft, but it wasn’t cold; it sounded unsure and like doubt and fear were growing in it. Y/n sighed, hand gripping the crystal that stood on the table; the noise of her two friends was drowned out by what felt like woe, but was only the reality of the situation. 

Those same emotions had been chewing at Y/n the whole day, but she didn’t know how to bring herself to let it show or how to say it. Y/n didn’t have an answer to this. Nothing had really changed between them; they were still the same, aside from the distance that had grown to be visible instead of just emotional. The dim lights reflected in the liquor, and it got distorted when her trembling hand tried to pick it up, but it felt too heavy, and she let it sit, not bringing it up, letting it further distort. 

“I’m sorry.” Was all that she managed to utter, clearing her throat at the long exhale on the other end. She could tell it wasn’t annoyance, but that Daniela knew that Y/n would apologise, and that it still wouldn’t remove the burdens of these past days. “Yeah–” It went silent again, but she knew that the girl on the other end couldn't hold everything in, that had always been Y/n’s part. “I just– I’ve been missing you.” She confessed, as if it were a crime, her voice frail. 

“I love you, Y/n, and I just thought you got tired of it after…” Daniela trailed off; she didn’t continue what she was going to start, knowing that it would never end; they both knew. “I can’t sleep.” Y/n knew what that meant; she also knew she wasn’t there, and she knew that if it hadn’t been for the fact that everything was chaining her down right now, she would’ve taken a flight to Daniela despite it being almost 11 pm. 

Y/n let go of the crystal, hand gripping the wooden table, a hand brushed past her, grabbing the crystal bottle filled with the bourbon as she was a mere ghost at the moment. She didn’t want to be seen like this. For a second, she glanced back, seeing Yunjin sit back down with the bourbon as she continued to talk with Megan, who had caught Y/n’s eyes, but she quickly diverted them back to Yunjin when Y/n saw her. 

She looked back down with an exhale, eyes glued to the golden liquid. “I love you, Dani, you know I’d do anything for you.” She reassured her, knowing that Dani’s fears were real, that they always had been, and it was never just to be spoiled that she wanted reassurance. It felt heavier saying it now than it ever had before. It drained Y/n even more, watching every last drop squeeze out of her, and she would force more out if she needed. “I’m here.” 

“Thank you.” It was as if Daniela had been put back on earth, chained back to what felt safe, even if for a moment, hearing that the person she needed was there despite it all. 

“I will have you picked up tomorrow when you land…drive you here, to be with me.” Y/n felt like she choked out those words; they were gripping her throat, difficult to get out, not because she didn’t want them out. It was hard to tell if these things would be enough for them anymore. 

“I love you, amor.” “I love you, baby, goodnight.” Y/n held the phone against her ear, wishing she could hear more even after the line went completely silent, squeezing the phone in her hand. 

The car had picked up Daniela, just like Y/n told her, so she could be with her. The news of the party spread, and Manon had texted Dani about it as she had asked the driver to make a detour to pick up her friend, who sat in the back with her. Manon kept talking. There was a scent of weed and chocolate lingering in the car; probably from the wine and weed Manon had started her night with. It had become familiar to Daniela. Her eyes were on Manon’s hands that were gesturing as she talked, but the flashing lights from outside were too distracting; everything had been getting in the way of her mind. 

“I need to like–” Daniela finally opened her ears to what Manon was saying, watching her dig through her purse “ –feel good, happy, or at least more than nothing.” Daniela wanted the same; she wanted to feel good and happy, but not because she felt nothing. She heaved a sigh, fingers twirling the pendant of Y/n’s first letter that hung on her necklace, minimal, the gold cold against her skin. 

“Manon…” Daniela’s voice was serious, but also caving before her friend managed to say anything as she took out the small ziplock bag with the skull-formed pills. “I wasn’t planning on it, but I can’t go to a party empty-handed or jaded.” 

There was a total of six ecstasy pills in the bag, now five, as one lay in Manon’s palm, who reached for one of the sealed waterbottles. She quickly took the pill into her mouth, letting it rest on her tongue, her eyes squinting at what was a bitter and chemical taste spreading, a second-long struggle with the cap before Manon swallowed it without another thought. 

“Look, Dani, sometimes you have to feel good and getting some help with it isn’t wrong,” Manon explained, taking another sip of the water before closing it and placing it back with a sigh as she leaned back. “You could benefit from it.” Daniela let out a breathless chuckle at that, shaking her head as she looked out the window, chewing on her lower lip, letting go of the pendant as it wasn’t doing much to bring her comfort at the moment. 

Y/n had barely managed to get out of bed the next day; people had started to pile in once she did leave her room, however her feet led her away from everyone. She didn’t want to be at the party, seeking an escape somewhere where she couldn’t find peace as she sat in the leather chair behind her father’s desk. She didn’t want to stand out, but she knew that she couldn’t control it; it didn’t matter what she did to try to be invincible, everyone could always see her. There was only one shadow that could swallow her and make her feel invincible; that was her father. 

The music didn’t make it inside the isolated room; there was a tray with expensive white lines that read nothing, but she was busy. Her eyes kept staring at the picture frame in her hands, resting her feet on the edge of the desk, but the longer she stared at the picture of her father with her before she could form her own opinions, the quicker she removed her feet. No one saw her, but she felt watched, still judged. She hated the picture, and she couldn’t tell if she did because she hated herself for becoming who she was or because of her father, who hadn’t tried harder to make her who she was supposed to be. 

The door opened, the music leaked in before disappearing when it closed; Yunjin stepped inside, a belvedere in her hand, unopened. Y/n opened a drawer, placing the picture face down in it before closing it, watching her friend, who looked composed, and she tried to relax, look like she belonged, but Yunjin always knew who did and who didn’t. It wasn’t hard to tell that Y/n was an imposter, but this time Yunjin didn’t mention it, perhaps because Y/n had done more than she usually did to look like she hadn’t given up.

“So, what’s with the grandpa fit?” Yunjin only questioned, as there was one minor defect with Y/n, throwing on a white tee, cardigan, and raw denim wasn’t an outfit for their parties. She sat down in one of the chairs in front of Y/n, placing down the cold vodka bottle, her eyes scanning the tray. A cigar burned, but Y/n had barely touched it. Next to it in the tray lay butts from joints. She rubbed her eyes at the question while sliding over two of the empty glasses on the table. 

“Take off the cardigan,” she knew that Yunjin was right, she knew she should listen, and she hated listening to her because Y/n couldn’t bring back her old self fully, but she could dress in that old skin and pretend. “Pour some first, it’s cold.” She excused, stopping the rubbing at her dry eyes as Yunjin sucked air through her teeth, the cap cracked as she unscrewed the bottle. 

She watched how the second glass was being filled, “I’m waiting for Dani, she’s coming.” Yunjin stopped pouring. Y/n waited for something, some type of remark, but all she did was hum, no type of disapproval this time. “Yeah?” Y/n nodded as the glass was placed in front of her. 

“Chaewon is here.” Her friend quipped, taking up her glass, not waiting for Y/n to take up hers, take the first sip or to clink crystal glass. She took a sip, having Y/n chase after with hers. “Are you going to talk with her?” Y/n questioned, Yunjin smiled, shaking her head as she leaned back, taking yet another, but bigger sip that emptied her glass and she exhaled at the taste while Y/n waited, 

“I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t know what they want. I only waste so much time, Y/n.” Yunjin replied, taking the bottle and pouring more into hers, it made Y/n force down the rest of hers, knowing she had to catch up in some kind of way. She unbuttoned the cardigan that was keeping her warm, taking it off and fixing the pendant of a D that rested on the white tee she wore, it caught Yunjin’s attention who screwed the bottle shut. 

“I guess the permanent isn’t important during parties, temporary is fine at times.” It wasn’t cold or stingy, but quiet and palpable, and the noise Y/n knew the party would cause her dimmed at the back of her mind and she felt herself sink into the chair at those words. She grabbed the glass, staring at the clear liquid, knowing she could disappear with it if she had enough, but she also knew that no matter where she ran, she knew that she took herself with. There was no outrunning her burdens; they didn’t follow, they were her. 

“It disappears in the morning, right? All there is is a hangover.” Y/n only glanced at Yunjin, not agreeing nor disagreeing as the older girl took a swig, finishing everything at once as she let the glass down and stood up. She snivelled, clearing her throat as she looked at Y/n who was slumped in the big leather chair of authority that only made her look small. “And Daniela is already here.” Yunjin informed, she left the bottle, not waiting for anything more as she walked out the door, not closing it fully as the music snaked in, but barely reached Y/n’s ears.

She tried to get up, but couldn’t for the first few minutes, too focused on the glass with her gaze, too tired to be able to show care for the moment. Y/n lifted it, resting her elbow on the arm of the chair and holding the cold glass against her forehead as she closed her eyes, taking in the scent of the burning cigar and leather. Only then did she manage to focus on something else beside the turmoil of the party she was expected at. Just to be grounded for a little bit more, she knew she had to.

It was what she had promised, her part of the deal. It was the part she was supposed to play, no matter what, for how long as Dani needed it. 

Y/n walked down the stairs, heading to where most people were, recognizing a few, but no one she cared for or about, but still felt like she needed to look presentable for. She pushed past people, holding her head high, doing her best to see past the heads around her until she made it over to the slide doors open to the backyard, seeing Daniela talking with a small group of people right by the edge of it.

“Hey–What’s up…” Daniela looked at her girlfriend who came from behind her, watching Y/n greet the people who Dani had been talking to. She hadn’t looked at her until she was done with the small talk and the next second all her attention was on Dani whose hand she grabbed, pulling her away from the small crowd and outside to get away from some of the noise, but it wasn’t possible.

“I’m sorry for not coming down immediately, I was–” Y/n didn’t get to say much more as they stood in the backyard, the waves in the pool mixed with the loud voices of people and the thrumming music that went through their bones. Daniela intertwined their fingers and her body sought after Y/n’s leaning in, head resting against the thudding ribs of her girlfriend whose hand gently came up to the silky curls.

Y/n swallowed, looking down at Daniela, running her fingers through her hair and then down her neck to cup her jawline, making Dani look at her. “How ‘bout you kiss me instead?” It eased Y/n when she heard those words from her girlfriend who smiled up at her, hands running up Y/n’s stomach until she reached her shoulders, tugging her down and Y/n obliged, kissing Daniela like it mattered because it felt like it truly did this time and that was scary. 

Daniela felt it, her fingers gripping the white tee Y/n had on, hesitant when they pulled away, looking at Y/n long enough to get disturbed as the taller girl looked away and at whoever was heading their way. 

“Hey sexy,” the girl slithered her way between them. “Hi to you too, Manon.” Daniela looked at how Y/n smiled, eyes devoid of the smile on her lips as they both were pulled to the side and onto the patio where space was made on one of the couches for them. She was tugged down to sit beside Y/n, and she did while resting her chin on her girlfriend’s shoulder, who was turned towards Manon. 

“I’ve been thinking…” Y/n hummed at that, her hand cradled by Dani’s as Manon was almost sitting in her lap to be heard, her hand on Y/n’s shoulder, crossing certain boundaries that weren’t difficult to figure out when seeing Manon’s blown pupils. “I feel like no one has been thinking though–the party that was, I just felt empty and terrible afterwards–you didn’t deserve that, and yet, Yunjin is right, isn’t she?” Y/n wished she could laugh it off because Manon was high, she was a disturbance to something that had felt odd, she was supposed to be relief, nothing was, and it only got worse now.

Y/n chuckled, her hand slithered itself out of Daniela’s hold and grabbed hold of Manon who was quicker, stopping Y/n like she knew. Everyone had been running. “Manon–” “Yes, I know, Y/n, I am high, but I’m not stupid…I feel things too you know.” Y/n’s hand was let go off and Manon pulled her to lean back instead, it was as if Manon was reading her, knowing that it was a strained back from trying to be so rigid all the time. 

“I didn’t say that; I just don’t think what Yunjin said has to be important.” Y/n tried to reason, doing her best to be able to sit back and not feel like she was watched by all the eyes at the party. She glanced at Daniela who was still close and then back to Manon who rested her head against the backrest. Staring up at the sky where not a single star was seen from the pollution and despite each star having some kind of reason; not a single one got to shine as they were overshadowed.

She was trying everything to shut down the truth that was spilling once again, Y/n didn’t want it anymore; the panic was spilling into her veins and she had no idea how to hold everything in anymore. Manon wiped at her eyes, whether to wipe away tiredness or tears, it didn’t matter as she heaved a heavy and burdened sigh before her head fell onto Y/n’s shoulder. 

“I ruined the party for myself, but feeling something is honestly so much better than repressing; mind over matter, Y/n.” Y/n was wishing that she could understand Manon; how being uncomfortable could be a way to reach comfort, how the ugly truth could become acceptable if she just accepted things the way they were, whether high or not. Y/n was starting to feel small next to Manon who was being open and true, not hiding what made everyone ugly. 

“I’m going to talk with Yunjin.”

“I don’t think you should, Manon.” Y/n tried to stop the girl who stood up, not sure what Yunjin would think of it, but at the same time she didn’t do much to stop her. Yunjin would appreciate Manon more right now than she would Y/n because Manon didn’t seem scared of it. 

“Wish we had been closer, here.” Manon grabbed Y/n’s hand, putting the ziplock bag in her palm, leaving her water bottle on the table. “You’re thinking too much, you should feel more instead.” With that she had left, leaving a storm behind her as she herself walked with ease, not bothered and instead fine, everything bad had just been left with them instead. Gone with the crowd.

Daniela had quietly watched, not only seeing, but feeling it all from Y/n, who now toyed with the seethrough bag, leaned back, hand resting on Dani’s thigh, and she had yet to say a word to her. Unconsciously, what Manon had been talking about was being brought onto them because of the silence in the loud life around them. Y/n was here, just like she had said, yet it felt like she wasn’t. Daniela felt alone; that crack was too big to ignore, like they always did. 

Y/n was surviving the party, and Dani was trying to find a grip, but Y/n wasn’t steady.

She tried to look for the right words to say, but making a choice had never been Daniela’s thing; she had no clue how. The person she relied on to make everything feel easier in this moment that felt too difficult was being silent and present in a way that brought little to no comfort. It felt like they were two strangers sitting next to each other once again.

“So, Manon just squeezed me, called me adorable, and said that her friend definitely loves me but is just scared of vulnerability, but to fight for her…” Megan chipped in, bringing in something to their harsh, small bubble as she talked about Manon’s good friend and Megan’s situationship. The younger girl sat down in front of them on the glass coffee table, drink in hand, and she looked between Daniela and Y/n, waiting for something, wanting to know what to do, lost, awaiting Y/n.

It seemed to bring Y/n out of the staring competition she had with the colourful skulls in the bag. Daniela moved slightly when Y/n moved to sit up straight. Megan looked small, switching the drink between her hands before taking a small sip. 

“Is she here?” Y/n questioned, and Daniela felt something unstable, the way Y/n took on Megan’s troubles when she had just been drowned in her own, throwing herself away to take on someone else. How had it been working all this time, but suddenly it just didn’t when Daniela was watching it again, unable to ignore it. 

Megan shook her head, scratching the back of her head. “No, things have happened, been difficult…that one guy is here, the exchange student.” Megan bit her lower lip before taking the plastic cup to her lips again, finishing what was in it. Daniela felt forgotten. The hand that was on her body wasn’t doing much. Y/n was indulging in everything and everyone to avoid it. It felt inevitable, but Dani still craved the closeness.

“We talked about this, Megz.” Daniela listened, hearing the words, knowing Y/n did talk, but just not with her and neither did Dani. The younger nodded, glancing between the two, forcing a small smile to try to seem like she wasn’t bothered by her own situation. 

“I know, I’m just…” Megan hesitated to utter the words, the cup being crushed in her hand from nerves. “Like, actually scared to not only lose her, but myself, not because of her, but because–” Megan’s eyes widened, fear gyrated in them, being sober was difficult, but sometimes being under the influence made everything worse. “Who even am I? I’m sorry, I’m just scared, I’m everyone but myself–do you have the ecstasy Manon is on?” Megan’s question was met with silence, a beat, and she looked down at Y/n’s hand. Carefully, she reached out to take it, asking for permission as Y/n finally met her halfway, letting it linger before letting go fully, their fingers brushing in hesitation from Y/n.

“One for Yunjin, she’s not feeling it, and Manon has somehow intrigued her…I can–” Megan didn’t say much more; it was void as she gave the bag back to Y/n, standing up. “I can figure it out.” It was as if she felt sorry for asking, disturbing, and telling something that wasn’t hiding her vulnerabilities. 

Y/n exhaled as she watched Megan walk away. She was unable to do anything anymore, and she leaned her elbows against her knees, eyes on the ground and the bag. There was some sort of comfort, the closeness of Daniela, whom she couldn’t forget nor focus on, but being close somehow worked, and the party didn’t disappear despite Daniela resting on her shoulder blade, fingers tracing on her back.

There was a gentle kiss, planted right by her ear, then another one, kissing the shell of it, taking a deep breath. Y/n inhaled Daniela’s vanilla that had always been a good feeling. Nimble fingers ran down her arm, acrylics sending shivers down her whole body, making it feel alive for once, removing much more hesitation when they grabbed hold of the ziplock bag.

“I want you to take it with me, amor.” Was all Daniela murmured, she just wanted to feel close, and if the Ecstasy was her last resort, then she would turn to it. 

It wasn’t a party, it wouldn’t be one, but it could be something more than what it was right now. Just the feeling of a rapid heart would make the world feel better. It wasn’t much; it was just Daniela taking out the pills, and Y/n took the light grey skull, watching the pink one in Dani’s palm.

Y/n stared at it, the last of her was in that pill, and it felt much heavier in her palm than it should. Her eyes diverted to Daniela, who took it first, grabbing the water bottle Manon had left earlier. She didn’t need more, taking it, letting the chemicals slowly dissolve on her tongue first before taking the water that was handed to her, washing everything down, hoping no bitterness would come back from it, but understanding. 

Daniela intertwined their fingers, getting up together to at least blend into some part of the party and not stay still in the moving environment. It wasn’t easy, but somewhere, Daniela did hope she could get close, that the distance they created could be solved, but she couldn’t tell what the solution would be because the ecstasy was one thing, but what it would allow them to do and feel was something else. 

It wasn’t like Y/n, she had tried many things, but the one thing she hated was ecstasy and the way it brought out everything she had become unaware of. The things she had buried so deep. They were sitting in a room full of people she knew, which was terrifying because she felt stripped, all her capabilities gone. 

She released a deep sigh, masking it with relaxation as she leaned back against the couch, letting her head fall back as she stared up at the warm light in what was the usually cold office. A dozen had gathered, it was like their own party, but on ecstasy that pulled them away from being dynamic and instead serene. It was everything they truly weren’t as people talked, listened to the music that differed from the rest of the house, the scent of weed overpowered the leather, and it let the emotions through. 

Her close friends were there: Yunjin and Megan, Dani’s roommates; Lara, who had arrived with a guy, Manon, who was still talking with Yunjin, a few dudes they would otherwise not talk with and girls they would only undress otherwise. Y/n hated it, knowing it wasn’t real even if it was happening, but once the morning came and the comedown would rise with the sun, everyone would regret and forget, and she would wish she knew how to be warmer. 

She couldn’t figure out who she was keeping it all together for anymore; nobody seemed to care. Yet she was half listening to what Megan was talking about, being able to hear the lump in the younger’s throat, but the deeper the ecstasy dug in Y/n, the more she realised that she was the last one anyone should rely on. Y/n was tired and was fighting her own lump of problems, and no one asked. 

“You’re good, right?” Megan asked once Y/n lulled her head to finally look away from the warm lights, the fabric of her clothes felt like feathers, the leather cooled her down, feeling like she was on a small puddle of water. She could only focus on the way the girl chewed her gum at first. “Of course she is,” Daniela replied for her, her tone soft, reassuring, sounding like she knew Y/n better than anyone as she approached. 

Y/n made sure to look at her girlfriend. It covered her body in chills from the warmth that she felt, wanting nothing more than to feel it from Daniela, too who looked happy; Y/n didn’t know if she was the reason for it. She looked like she was fine, and it made Y/n feel like they were fine. She grabbed her, pulling her over, the smaller girl giggling in a way Y/n hadn’t heard in a while. It sounded good, genuine, like she actually laughed from feeling good, and not because she wanted to see if a laugh would make them feel good. 

She maneuvered, sitting slumped, in a way that removed the aching from sitting straight; it was all soft, especially with Daniela leaning in against her. Y/n wrapped her arm around her; Daniela’s body against hers felt like it had done the first time she held her so close, but better after thinking she had lost it for good. 

“I love you,” it was silent, only something Y/n could hear when Daniela said it, making heaviness slip through the cracks in Y/n. She hummed at the words, leaning in to nuzzle her face into Dani’s cheek, who let out a contented sound. It was all so soft, so warm, buzzing through with warm blood she couldn’t comprehend, but it held them together like the glue they had been looking for. 

“I wanna be like this forever–with you, Y/n.” It sounded like a confession, something they were both terrified of hearing, of saying, could Daniela also know that tomorrow wouldn’t be the same? But when Y/n pulled away to find Daniela’s dilated eyes, she knew she would hurt herself for questioning the moment that felt palpable. “I love you, Dani.” That was how long Y/n was available for Daniela, trying that kiss that felt like ivy masked with cotton candy. 

Y/n tried to dim everything and fall into pleasure over her mind, over the matter. It was all that was needed; mind over matter, like she had been told. She wanted to know how long that would last, though, as Dani kissed her back, hands caressing Y/n’s jaw and cheek, it was like smearing paint over her skin, the brush soft, and it stuck. 

Once they pulled away, Y/n lingered with her lips, unsure if she wanted to open her eyes, dwelling in a moment that felt so easy yet heavy on her chest. It lasted, and then she opened her eyes, looking at Dani, who gave a soft smile, and Y/n sucked in her lower lip. They were fine, but she couldn’t smile, let out a laugh; the ease didn’t feel like happiness, even if it should. Dani pecked her lips once more when she released her lip, her teeth showing from the smile that said that they were fine. 

She slumped back down, fingers mindlessly running along Dani’s ribs under her shirt, trying to find a quiet in what felt like misplaced people in one room. Despite it being a dozen, it was too loud with confessions that would be lies, and the chills that ran over her body from Dani’s curls and fingers brushing over her skin now and then, while her girlfriend talked with someone else. It was all she wanted, but would never truly have. 

Y/n felt like she was tearing herself in the middle, consciousness and sensations all pulling in a different direction. 

Daniela felt good; she had happiness coursing through her, ease when she talked, it was like everything had been solved, but each time she looked at Y/n, she couldn’t figure out what it was that was making her feel happy. Y/n held her, caressed her, made her feel like she was embraced by a cloud, as she could just float by, but Y/n was also quiet; it felt like she was away from her in the only way that actually mattered. 

So much good was happening, but nothing good was said. 

The further she moulded into Y/n’s body, the more she could feel how they were disappearing from the party that they never truly managed to become part of. Dani had hoped they had left everything at the door, but it was all brought with them inside, sitting right there on the couch, where it felt good on the skin; that soft buzz of the music sounded better than ever, yet the pleasure wasn’t enough. 

She slid her hand down and grabbed Y/n’s in hopes of a chain to hold her down. Dani was floating, but she didn’t want to float away, not from Y/n. She exhaled, sitting back on the couch, right beside Y/n as her conversation with the guy went quiet and the reality of what the happiness was sank in; terminal lucidity. 

“Dani…this–does it feel,” she looked at Y/n, her girlfriend’s eyes searched for an answer before she could finish the question that she wouldn’t ask there. Daniela tried to figure it out, and it all felt laid out on the table, and she couldn’t go back to what it felt like before she realised. Once she knew, she couldn’t force it back. 

“I don’t want to be here, Y/n.” Daniela wasn’t sure if it was the place where she physically was or the place where she had been taken mentally. The softness of Y/n’s hand pulsing around hers, giving it a squeeze that barely held her back as Y/n gave a careful nod, eyes scanning the place before she got up, leading Dani. Was it possible to get out?

The scratch of shoes against concrete sent shivers along Daniela’s body; the breeze on her skin was like a better layer of clothes, while Y/n’s hand pulled her. The sight of the white E30 twisted her emotions out, feeling everything that happiness she thought she was feeling at first had masked. Everything they were, started in that car as Y/n once again opened the door for her, waiting for Dani to get seated before gently closing the door, closing everything inside, making them unable to outrun it this time. 

The streetlights showed Y/n the road; it all felt smooth under the wheels, and she tried to get a feel of that ease the car had, but each exhale was shaky. Her hand kept gripping the wheel harder than she probably needed, trying to slow down each time it went a little too fast, hoping it would slow down time. It was difficult to keep her eyes on the road, searching for Daniela in the passenger seat, who was focused on what was outside the car because it was easier than what was on the inside. The air blew through the rolled-down windows, easing the heat of apprehension in the car. 

Music played quietly, blending in with the roaring of the car; nothing worked like it usually did. The roads led nowhere, no turn she took felt closer to home, and the silence that all the sounds were creating was killing them. It made Y/n slow down the car among the hills where the sky was getting clearer, the stars felt closer and like they meant something in this moment where everything was stronger. She looked at the time on the centerpanel, in orange it read 2 am on a Sunday, where everything was, at last, peace and quiet, the way it should be on a Sunday with a lover. 

“It wasn’t right–” Daniela finally spoke and saw Y/n, who had been trying to find her, and Y/n didn’t want to waste another moment not present in Dani. The turnout became their space as she stopped by it, standing at the edge of the hill. “ –to want it to last forever, nothing felt right in that moment.” Y/n didn’t know how to do it, if she was supposed to let it all out, but the one thing she knew she wouldn’t do right that moment was run from it. She inhaled when she caught the mist gathered in Dani’s eyes. 

Y/n’s hands slid along the wheel, looking in front of her as she let those words bury themselves deep in her soul. The marrow in her bones was spilling, all had been espacing Y/n, it was like she was evaporating. “I don’t know if it can feel right, Dani, and if it can, I don’t know how to do it without losing myself along the way.” It finally spilled out, her jaw clenched, and she tilted her head the tiniest bit upwards because even if it did spill, she wasn’t sure if she could show how much she actually wanted to pour out with those heart-rendering words. 

Daniela examined Y/n, seeing how she was still trying to hold together while tears already fell from Dani’s eyes. It was how it worked, how they worked, and love wasn’t holding it together anymore. Only when she saw how Y/n barely held together for her sake did the words really tie a knot around the truth that was inevitable. Y/n looked at her, letting her hands fall from the wheel and into her lap, helplessly, but without a single tear in her eyes. They held so much for Dani, but had become so hollowed out from all the confinement. 

It was the most Daniela had seen, and it broke her; the sleeve of her shirt wiped at her eyes, but it brought no comfort or reassurance. It made her want to reach out to Y/n. Dani wanted to be there for her, but didn’t know how to without breaking and needing Y/n herself. 

Y/n’s body was aching; she couldn’t keep moving the way everyone expected her to, not even for Dani, because she knew Daniela deserved better than what she had left to give. 

“I don’t want you to erase yourself for me, Y/n–” Daniela’s voice crumbled like an unstable tower turning into dust as she couldn’t hold back the snivel, making her breathing ragged. Y/n’s head fell back, her face contorted into sorrow, which she felt prickling at her nose that made her exhale instead of shedding; Dani’s trembling fingers wiped at her face. Her body was small in the passenger seat, so much smaller than the two ever had been as she was curled into herself. “ –We were so good though…weren’t we?” 

“Dani…” Y/n started, but when she always knew what to say, it suddenly felt like no words would ever be completely right in that moment where voices trembled. She moved over, reaching once again, even if it would be for the last time; Y/n was willing to dry herself of everything in this moment. Her fingers gently pushed away the wet hands on Dani’s eyes. “It’s not because of you–I don’t think I ever knew how to stop hurting myself for the sake of others.” Y/n wanted to cry, but her body didn’t let her; there was nothing more it or she could give.

Daniela tried to inhale, but it was all too heavy, trying to hold something in, but she never could. Her eyes were a blur when she looked at Y/n, gripping onto the hands that held onto her face, wiping away her tears like they would hurt Dani if they stayed for too long. She wanted the moment to last just a minute longer, just a second even, she didn’t want to let go just yet, to take whatever she could because she knew it would be gone any second now. 

“It just feels like any moment now will be my last one.” 

Y/n’s words made time stop, and not for the moment to last longer, but for Daniela to be able to understand it and comprehend the paralysis it caused Dani to know that it was about survival, and there was nothing more she could do. Her lip jutted out, but it did nothing as her nails almost dug into Y/n’s soft and what now she could feel had always been fragile skin. The next beat after trying to hold the moment, Daniela let go, knowing that Y/n wouldn’t be able to fix it, and neither could she, as she finally saw the damage that had been incurred. 

It wasn’t Daniela. It wasn’t Y/n. It wasn’t intentional. It was simply too late–they had been too busy trying to survive their love instead of themselves. There was nothing left to give. Nothing left to take. 

Y/n took in the silence between them, giving Daniela one last glance, who was turned towards the slightly open window where she could still see her shaky reflection and dilated eyes. A trembling fist right under her nose, tears like diamonds running like a silent stream and the snivel was like a ruffle from the wind where tears fell like silent leaves. Y/n looked away, sniffling through her nose once as she reached for the key to turn, letting the car start.

The late hours of the night were wearing off; that sun that would rise with the comedown would paint the sky with calm, and the road had run out. Whether it was the finish line or not, all they knew was that there was no more running or road to drive. They came to the end where the sky was ready to turn gold. 

Y/n turned off the car and looked at Daniela, whose tears hadn’t stopped falling, only doing so in silence now instead. Daniela looked at the building outside before coming back inside the car and undoing her seatbelt around her aching body. They didn’t say a single word; nothing more had to be said to understand each other better than they ever had. It hurt; everything ached, no reaching out, it was where it all stopped and became okay. 

She glanced at Y/n, knowing she wouldn’t be able to hold herself together if she looked as long as she wished she could. Daniela opened the door, not with bitterness, not with anger, resentment or regret, but with understanding as she stepped out, and even if she couldn’t look, Y/n couldn’t stop, even if it was bruising to watch. 

“Daniela.” She called out before her past could close the door on her. The smaller girl looked inside the car. Y/n’s lips twitched into what was a smile, trembling fingers holding onto the wheel, making Dani’s lips purse into a smile with tears before she bit her lower lip instead because she looked for longer than she could handle. Her hands clenched into fists to hold back from the pain, but it felt impossible, yet she stayed for this last moment, even if it broke her. 

“Thank you.” Daniela’s breath shuddered at Y/n’s words, and she nodded while wiping with her forearm at her eyes, a sob slipping through, barely holding her cries back. “Thank you, amor.” She gently closed the door, this time turning and not looking back; each step felt like it was breaking bone after bone, something that couldn’t be heard through the empty night. It felt heavy as she walked to the door, each sob much more difficult to hold in as she got closer. She wasn’t trying to hold it, never could as she broke down before fully disappearing. 

Y/n watched, she stayed, not leaving with her sight until she saw and knew that Daniela’s crumbling figure had managed to make it inside the building. The door fell closed behind Dani. Despite being inside the car, she could feel the heaviness of the thud like a wave that crashed through the car, and it made her squeeze the wheel before she relaxed and slumped back. Her head fell against the seat with a muffled thump, and she took in a deep breath that felt like hot tears in the cool air of the car. 

A sound escaped her throat, and she let go of the wheel, putting the pads of her palms against her eyes where her lashes had gotten wet. The dam of tears that had built in her lungs broke, overflowing everything as she let out shuddering breaths, snivelling in a way that made her whole body shake. Her head being tilted did little, making her lean over, resting her forearms on the steering wheel, head falling against them as she drowned. Aching out those quiet cries only she heard in the still car where the scent of vanilla lingered with warmth that was running out on the passenger seat, leaving nothing but memories. 

They had been so good, hadn't they?

a/n; so...hopefully you enjoyed it, feel free to lmk what u thought and interact, i really appreciate it when i get to hear opinions/reactions etc. much love

[jensettermandu]

ive been working on something, and am almost done and could consider posting it if yall want an actual long fic. do follow me if u dont wanna miss it and also send stuff to my inbox cause i need traction to feel motivated to post it✌️😝, im greedy like that

"I thought you wouldn't answer." Daniela's voice wasn't as soft, but it wasn't cold, it sounded unsure, like doubt and fear were growing in it. Y/n sighed, hand gripping the crystal that stood on the table, the noise of her two friends was drowned out by what felt like woe, but was only the reality.

"I'm sorry." Was all that she managed to utter, clearing her throat at the long exhale on the other end. She could tell it wasn't annoyance, but that Daniela knew that Y/n would apologize, and that it still wouldn't remove the burdens of these past days. "Yeah-" It went silent again, but she knew that the girl on the other end couldn't hold everything in, that had always been Y/n's part. "I just- I've been missing you." She confessed like it was a crime, her voice frail.

[yxlis]

[nnightskiess]

everytime you leave, part eleven

₊° - 𝐲𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐠 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘰𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴.

everytime you leave, masterlist

· · ✍︎ · ·

𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵, 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗽𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝘀. 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿’𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 <3

𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝

The class stepped through Tissaia's created portal and arrived in a vast and empty valley. No tree stood tall and no house or ruin was in sight. It was quiet. Calm. But not in an unsettling way. It was as though time passed differently here... sluggish yet all knowing.

Tissaia de Vries stepped up to the row of mages, hands folded and eyes sharp,

"This place has been Aretuza's training ground for centuries... and centuries to come. Here, you will earn your right to ascend. You will be tested on every form of Chaos. Some tasks will require preparation, others will require your quick thinking and resourcefulness for us to see how you'll hold yourself in stressful situations. Back at Aretuza, you will be put in mock situations, both of high risk and foolish matters, where your knowledge of courtly intrigues and communication will be judged."

Tissaia walked down the group of mages, which had mysteriously thinned after each evolution process,

"We have only practiced on Aretuza grounds so far, with Aretuza's energy floating around you, balancing you out. When you go out into the Continent, each place will have a different energy to them... a different blockage, a different weight in the air." Her dress blew against her legs when a gust of wind travelled through the valley, "Close your eyes. Feel the difference of this place. What does it do to your Chaos? What does it do to you?"

Yennefer closed her eyes, trying to focus on what her Chaos was telling her, when a melody gently entered her head-- The Moonlight's Maiden. It was unmistakable. Its soft lull sounded as though the melody was carried by boat on the calm waters of the Brightbeak river. It was the same melody that the bard had played at the banquet the night before, and the one she'd heard you hum later during your walk back to your dormitories. She didn't know why it came to her now. Or at all. But it brought her back to the night before. To your hair shining in the moonlight as you walked across the Quad a few steps in front of her, breath still smelling of mulled wine and the smoky smell of the fire in the hearth clinging to your hair and clothes.

"Focus, Yen."

She peeked an eye open and looked to her left. It was your voice that had softly reprimanded her through telepathic link. You stood ever so graceful, your face relaxed and calm and your eyes closed. There was no sign displaying your lack of attention to Tissaia's task-- you looked as concentrated and confident as ever. Only Yennefer knew you weren't.

"I'm serious," Your voice echoed through her mind again, "It's distracting me."

"Oh, am I distracting you?" She sent back, a pleased grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. The only answer she received was one in the form of a hard but playful nudge to her side.

She closed her eye again, a content smile on her lips as she realised you were still so attuned to each other, that daily shared thoughts and inside jokes through your telepathic bond had become the new norm. Much to your classmates chagrin.

Tissaia's voice echoed across the field while she moved around, centring both your thoughts back to the task,

"Now, imagine yourself standing at the centre of this valley, with your feet planted firmly to the ground. Feel the roots beneath them go as deep as the deepest layers in the earth. You're steady. You're capable. You're in control."

Her voice sounded from right in front of you as she spoke.

"Feel how the area around you reacts to you. How you control the breeze that flows through the bushes... how you can make the leaves dance in even the highest trees. You feel them. You hear their bark cracking...the birds singing their song on their branches. And listen--do you sense the animals that are hiding in the tall grass? Do you hear their beating hearts? Do you feel the blood pumping through their veins?"

Somewhere behind you, you could feel a new energy pop up. Small. Pure. Fleeting. Then, you could feel the slow hum of something large and ancient to your far right. It did not have a beating heart. But it had life. A large tree, perhaps.

You let your Chaos wander and explore, its tendrils moving all around you like an intricate web of sensations, only for your focus to fall back on your Rectoress when her voice cut through the calm,

"Are you perfectly attuned to your surroundings?"

Wind tickled your fingertips as it danced through your fingers. The early spring air nipped at your nose, but you weren't cold. No, your Chaos fizzled beneath your skin, kept your heart beating swiftly and rapidly with each sensation it could sense. The sound of a fish rising to the surface in a nearby river, the way the wind clipped when an eagle lounged itself down and into that same river. The feeling of the earth beneath you, of the thousand of tree roots nestled and entangled within it. And the slow cadence of Yennefer's breathing beside you. In. Out. In. Out. There was reassurance in the air you could feel returning to her lungs with every breath she took. Alive. Breathing. Safe and sound.

Tissaia's voice broke the spell,

"Now let us begin."

Outings to various abandoned places around the Continent for one of your private teachings with Tissaia hadn't been scarce as of late. With your power expanding, and thus the need to control it, so were the boundaries of your Chaos. Chaos continued to ask more of you each time you conquered it. Not out of spite or frustration, but out of admiration and an obsessive need to taste more of that calm confidence that it started to bring along.

Today should have been no different, except that it was. You felt it the second the two of you walked through the portal Tissaia had conjured, arriving at the top of a tiny hill with a large willow tree casting its shadow over the two of you like an ominous foreboding.

You knew this tree, would recognise it even in three hundred years time. You'd spent summers hiding behind the curtain of its long and narrow vine-like leaves when the sun became too hot or you needed a moment to yourself.

Tissaia examined you closely, having a feel at your Chaos which, surprisingly, stayed calm, despite the obvious surprise. You knew why she hadn't said a thing beforehand. A warning would have given you insight. Insight would have given control, which was the exact thing you were trying to train by putting yourself in various uncontrollable situations. Out in the Continent, you'd sooner find yourself faced with conundrums instead of predictabilities. Further more, if life was predictable, then mages would be deemed useless.

The golden afternoon sun made the grass look even brighter, and the plethora of daisies, poppies and dandelions made for a festive decoration to the green field. The distant sound of water traveling down from the hills echoed across the land. It wasn't at all like how it had been the last time you'd breathed this air. It had been autumn back then. Wet and muddy. Grey and dark. But still comforting in its familiarity.

"Is this all right for you?" Tissaia stepped up, watching as you closed your eyes to breathe in the spring air and let the sun warm your face.

You knew what she meant-- Had this been a step too far?

And-- Are you ready for the next one?

"Can we..." You stopped yourself, trailing off, thinking of all the classes you'd had where you'd learned to hold yourself with more confidence at court. Because asking for something equalled insecurity. Stating was what equalled confidence... and respect.

So, you tried again.

"I want to stay here. Just for a little while." Not feeling entirely great about besting your rectoress and the woman who'd helped pull you out of the depths, you couldn't help but still sneak in a softly mumbled, "If that's okay."

Tissaia grinned, realising exactly what you'd done, but admiring that you thought of her highly enough that it felt wrong to assert dominance over her.

"We can, sweet girl." She watched with a kind of fondness in her eyes equal to that of a relative as you sat down in the grass, letting the long willow tree leaves tickle your neck with each breeze.

This field was half an hour's walk away from your village. It was the place you often visited with your siblings to climb in trees or swim in the lake or make bouquets from wildflowers to gift to your mother.

You let yourself fall backwards into the grass, gaze travelling to the top of the tree that let no sunlight break through. Tissaia could hear the memory unfold in your mind.

And she saw it, too. She saw a much younger you running around, bright-eyed and missing a tooth. Joy in your step and in your laugh. No idea of the horrors that would once find you. The vision warmed something in her, something she knew she should reject . Still, she watched as the memories unfolded before you.

Children squealed and laughed. A dog barked. A warm summer breeze offered only the slightest bit of cool. A wet patch on your cheek of a dog's snout and the distant memory of holding a younger sibling atop your hip. The feeling of bark brushing against your palms. The thrill of climbing up and looking down. Scraped knees and a kiss that would help it heal faster.

In a moment of weakness, Tissaia sat down beside you, watching you while you remained still.

"Do you know why I brought you here?"

Like everything with Tissaia, you suspected her question was yet another challenge to figure out your train of thoughts.

"You brought me here to see if and how I would react in the face of confrontation."

Tissaia pursed her lips and looked at the view of the meadow in front of her.

"The rectoress in me, your mentor, took you here with that intention in mind, yes." The wind blew through your hair, but the locks in Tissaia's tight bun didn't dare move, "The... other side of me took you here to heal, to experience a piece of home that wasn't tainted, to remind you that the person that got shaped by this place and the memories here..." She trailed off, which rarely happened. You pushed yourself up on your elbows to look at her. She started over, "That other side of me needs you to know that who you are in here,-" She tapped your chest twice, "-will never change."

"And what other side of you is that?"

This time, Tissaia didn't hesitate, "The side that wants you to succeed in life, that wants you to have a heart so full and a soul so content that it radiates off you everywhere you go. And a Chaos that is one and the same with your entire being so that you can use it to help make this world a brighter place, like you've been meant to since the day you were born."

You pulled a leaf out of your hair when the wind got it stuck, "I think I prefer that side better."

Tissaia sensed the playful hint in your eyes and voice, and a breathy and elegant chuckle left her, "I think I do, too." She glanced your way, heard your words before they flowed out of your mouth--

"Thank you."

A deep breath filled your lungs, "For taking me here. And for taking me away from here all that time ago. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I needed."

A cluster of geese flew overhead, filling the momentary silence that followed. Your mentor remained silent and it caused you to continue to let your thoughts spill out.

"You looked out for me the second you found me, even if it took me so long to realise."

Tissaia dipped her head, the slight wobble of her chin betraying the true feelings that she tried to bury beneath her unreadable expression. But this was you-- the mage she'd taken under her wing, who she had been guiding through private lessons and had started to care for like you were her kin. And you might as well have been, with that determination and fire with which you'd ploughed through every challenge and blockage, both mental and magical, all while never forgetting the heart and kindness that fuelled your every decision. Sometimes she envied you for it, for not forgetting the purity of the heart you were born with. For not having the same responsibilities, for not having to make choices that would haunt her until the day she died. Being a rectoress of a place like Aretuza had challenged her in many ways since the very first day, often making her risk losing the soft touch beneath her harsh and sullen exterior. But once a student melted something within her, which happened rarely seeing as she always did her best not to form attachments, she would secretly hold them near to her heart all throughout her very long life. And while you hadn't been in hers as long as some of her other acquaintances, she knew with how you'd snuck your way past her frosted walls, that you would be among that short lists of friends sooner rather than later. Once you ascended and got sent to your place somewhere in the Continent to help keep the balance, she would see you as a trustworthy, capable and loyal ally. And Aretuza needed all the allies it could get if her gut feeling was right.

One of her leather-gloved hands found yours. She squeezed, then remained to hold onto tightly, as if she needed to be tethered to you for a little longer so she would not lose herself to the guilt that was already eating her up from the inside.

That gesture said more than any words could have said, but she opened her mouth nonetheless.

"I am proud of you, Y/N."

A sound born from surprise and something embarrassingly sheepish left you.

"You've conquered the highest mountains of your mind, battled inner-demons and faced your biggest fear, all while letting yourself become familiar with the essence of your true self." She let that sink in for a beat, "I have seen the limitations of your Chaos, felt its power and its potential, so I know that my words of pride aren't unmerited. You will come to brave things you won't even be able to fathom, and you will brave them like you have done the rest-- with a stubborn determination fuelled by your kind heart and need for justice."

A harsh gust of wind made the fabrics of your clothes flutter against your frame. The tall grass wooshed and whistled in the breeze.

"You once told me you were afraid to lose the side of you before Aretuza, that you were struggling to find that balance. I remember it held you back gravely in your progress."

You looked her way, seeing her inspecting eyes already on you. You had a faint feeling that it had everything to do with the reason she'd brought you here. And as you continued to look at her, and her eyes remained locked on yours, she nodded and smiled softly at the questions in your mind.

"You're ready."

Tissaia shook her head the second she saw you wanting to question her statement.

"You are. When it comes to your Chaos, you've been ready for far longer than you have realised, but now you're finally ready to face that last fear." Her other hand went to grab yours, squeezing in comfort, "Fire is the most difficult element to control. It has a will of its own. It rarely listens and is hard to dominate, which is why it is an element of magic so scarcely honed by mages... why it is so frowned upon, seeing as it rarely goes right. But you-" She squeezed, "You battled the surprise conduit of your fire without succumbing to it during your first touch with Chaos."

She waited to see if the mention of that night made you stumble, but aside from your pulse quickening and your mind growing hazy for the shortest moment, you managed to keep your Chaos calm and at bay.

"You have learned to make fire your friend instead of your enemy. Because of that, any other type of magic comes to you like a safe and common face. Where others will have to face trials regarding their Chaos as a task to garner approval for their Ascension, you won't. Not entirely. You have already conquered the biggest trial there is... to you, at least. You know you can control your Chaos. You know you can control your fire. When you're grounded, that is." She pursed her lips, "Your biggest challenge... lies in confrontation with your past."

You stared off into the distance, letting your thoughts mingle with the sounds of nature around you, "You want to see me control my Chaos during the ultimate confrontation?"

Tissaia slowly closed her eyes in confirmation, "Do not mistake me- I know you have what it takes to control it when it is confronted, but we both know why this confrontation will be different. If you can keep your ground through whatever I will make you face within a moment, then I can send you out into the Continent with a clear conscience, knowing you've conquered it all. Then I will see to it that you will ascend. I'll make sure you can continue to live your life under the safety of the Brotherhood." She took a deep breath, "Under my safety. As I promised I would."

"You really think I'm ready?"

Her answer came in the form of a buzzing and shimmering transportation hoop which took shape right in front of you. What appeared through the sheen was unsurprising, yet just as painful and staggering as if it had come as a shocking surprise. It looked different than when it had appeared that night with Yennefer. Less trees. Emptier. Its exit probably directed towards to the South side of the village.

She held out her arm, gesturing for you to step through, the time for counting daisies in the grass long passed. You rubbed your face and squeezed your eyes shut. You hadn't been back since you'd ruined it. The village that had been your home since your birth, the people who had seen you grow up, and even the ancient trees that had watched you run and play in their forest. In the aftermath of your conduit moment, all you'd seen was destruction. You barely remembered anything other than how it had rained ashes, how your fire had swallowed heaps of men, and how houses had still been sputtering and groaning when Tissaia had ushered you away.

But there was no better moment. No second chance. This was going to be it. It had to be. And maybe some part of you, hidden behind the guilt and pain and regret, felt ready.

You stepped through with those thoughts, and only dared to open your eyes a good ten seconds after you'd heard Tissaia appear behind you. The portal disappeared in a swift swoosh, leaving a silence so deadly it could kill. Her firm hold on your tensed shoulders shook you out of the safe place you'd created in the darkness of your closed eyes. Tissaia's warm words still lingered beneath your chest, fuelling your confidence, but it was clear that she was back to being your mentor now.

This was the time to prove yourself.

But, something held you back.

With your eyes still closed, you spoke as quietly as you could muster, too afraid that if she heard and answered truthfully, you'd regret ever asking in the first place, "What happens when I fail?"

Because what if you did fail? What if flames as high as the Tower of the Gull would sputter out of your fingertips the second you saw the earth where your house had once stood? What if you made short work of the last few trees left standing the second you heard the ghosts of your siblings scream in pain? Would Tissaia hold her end of the bargain, or would you disappear like some of your classmates who had failed to show up merely days after making big mistakes or failing significant evaluations? And, Saints forbid, what would happen if you got so out of control, you ended up harming Tissaia de Vries? How would one explain that tragedy to the Brotherhood, if she even survived the fiery flames?

"Open your eyes."

You shook your head, vehemently, "What happens?"

You felt her stand behind you, probably overlooking the space in front of you, the space that had once been so vivid and lively and humming with joy, but was now a dark and blurry memory in your mind.

"Then you will try again. Until you succeed."

A hot and searing discomfort hit you the second she pressed a finger between your brows and the crown of your head. It felt like a hand had reached in and was rummaging through your brain. You gasped and groaned. You wanted to reach for your head, but you were trapped. All control over your body was gone. Flashes of memories flitted through your retina in a high chase. Sounds and smells hit you from all sides. Horses screamed or ran away in a failed attempt to put out the fire dancing on their backs. Men in steel slashed through the screaming children of your neighbours, coating the mud and grass with a deep red. The gnarly scent of death followed. Of iron. Of gut.

Fear tore at every muscle in your body, making you freeze even though your heart was pumping the fastest it had ever done.

You heard your father's plea again, to all hide in the cellar behind the cabbages and carrots. The same dread and panic you'd felt when you realised you were all trapped like mice, resurfaced. You saw the door to your home open as fast as you remembered. Men clad in heavy armour waltzed in, grabbed your mother and punctured her abdomen with one of their blades. Then their eyes fell on you and your siblings.

Your vision went black, just like it had back then.

But this time you recognised the feeling that made your breath quicken, that made your ears pop and your chest prickle.

A loud bang. Heat. Flames as high as the ceiling. There was a new type of fear now-- the fear of fighting not one but two adversaries, both elemental and human. You could not run from the flames with those men blocking the only way out, even if they were distracted by the fire spluttering out of your hands.

Before long, the flames had engulfed the entirety of the inside of the small wooden hut. A beam in the ceiling cracked and fell before your feet, crushing your father and trapping him beneath it, making him an easy prey for one of the armed men. But another beam soon fell, pinning them down to the ground alongside your father.

An opening-- the door to the outside. But running out would mean abandoning your father and your mother still writhing in pain on the ground.

Flames now started to crawl closer to them. The fear in their eyes as they watched the trail of the flames lead back to you would have dropped you to your knees if Tissaia's touch hadn't trapped you in your body.

You felt the cracking of your heart in that split second your survival instincts had taken over. You saw through your eyes again how you'd ushered your siblings outside, their eyes wide and fearful as they watched you with your fire before they ran outside, only for one of them to be snatched away the second they did. Not wanting to go without a fight, you jumped forward, fists clanging against armour but leaving blood marks instead of dents. The butt end of a sword stalled you and made you fall to the ground the second you were hit with it against your chest. The dull pain punctured you through your ribs, squeezing the air out of you. And all you could do, with an open mouth heaving for breaths, was watch how your siblings screamed for your help.

All around you, people were being slaughtered, maimed and cornered.

Something shifted, as though the shake to your chest had awoken something within you and finally given it the permission it needed to unleash itself. It felt as if you were floating outside your own body. Gravity was gone and, for a split second, time stopped ticking.

A loud bang sounded. One second later, sweat dripped off your forehead. Through your closed eyes you'd seen a light so bright, it had felt as though the sun was right in front of you. When you opened them, all you saw were flames. Everything was burning, from the farthest house near the edge of the forest, to the houses closest to the river. People further away ran screaming, with flames melting their skin as they did. A father clutched their child to their chest, before he fell and succumbed to his injuries.

Tissaia made you relive it all over again.

You felt her fingers press a little harder, her hand digging a little deeper, as the next set of memories came to you.

Closer to you, there was only stillness. And ash. And horror. Clouds of steam trickled up from the wet soil and puffs of smoke from the still smouldering spots. Burnt debris of the aftermath was sizzling and crackling. Looking down at your trembling hands, you stumbled back and landed in a scorched corpse that turned to dust on impact. White hot flames danced and floated around your arms and hands like moths to lanterns. Only they didn't hurt you. Not really. Until they started to. And they really started to.

Your arms were filled with muck and ash, but you were alive. And you were the only one. That only made the flames hurt worse. The more you shook your arms in an attempt to still the fire, the bigger the flames started to grow. A helpless and terrified scream left you, one that you heard yourself imitate in real life. One you were sure had made Tissaia flinch. It shook you to your core, as it had done that first time. You moaned and groaned, wanting desperately to be pulled back to reality instead of staying with the terrors of your mind.

Then, Tissaia stepped back. With a force that took your breath away, you regained consciousness over your body and were thrown back to the here and now. You finally opened your eyes for the first time after stepping through the portal. You fell to the ground, only seeing your hands that had dulled your fall. With a heaving breath, you sat hunched over. Your hands hurt worse than they ever had, and even the old wounds and scars that had been mostly mended with tonics and spells, ached again like they had never left. And you knew they hadn't. They were still slightly visible, barely healed over, concealed by magic. And the ones that were still visible would stay that way even until after your ascension. If you even got that far. Because right now, with this much agony, fury and pain tearing through you again, you feared what would happen next.

Terrible memories you had buried away very deeply, which had become foreign and almost unrecognisable, had resurfaced. And Tissaia had dug far enough until she had been able to unearth them. You knew your reunion with your home wouldn't be sweet and cosy, but she had confronted you with your past and your deeds in a way that could very well prove to be the end of you.

Your fingertips were already starting to itch and pulsate, and it took all your willpower to stop your Chaos from taking over. It was snarling and trying to bite through its leash. You couldn't subdue it, no matter what you told it, no matter the play of power with which you tried to win it over. But it wasn't trying to break free because you gave it an opening. It was trying to cry out in pain with you. Because it was a shared pain, because your Chaos was you and you were your Chaos. Which could only mean that you couldn't subdue it... because you didn't want to.

"Own your Chaos, you are it," Tissaia started, her voice sounding both right beside you and in another world entirely. She tried to drag you up in a seated position by your armpits, but struggled as you thwarted her attempts.

"You are a child of Chaos. Chaos chose you, but it lives like a guest in your being. It is nothing without you. Like how a life cannot be lived without a beating heart. It is but a whisper in the wind without a strong and powerful vessel to latch-"

"Let me be!" Your booming voice echoed across the empty field as you yelled at your rectoress like a caged animal, much like you'd done the first time she'd found you in this exact place.

You slapped your hands onto ground, where could feel tiny flickering flames escaping your palms, warming the earth beneath your touch. They disappeared as soon as you felt the slightest bit of domination over your Chaos, over your own emotions. The ground was shaking beneath your hands though, and a patch of black and scorched earth had replaced lush green grass. You would not lose control. You would not return to the place that had last seen you as a monster, only to show the ghosts of your family that nothing had changed, and you were still the horrible demon who hadn't even learned enough from the destruction you'd caused the first time around to not do it all over again.

You were a changed person. You vowed to never again get to a point where your Chaos would take so many lives.

Never again, never again, never again.

"Y/N, you mustn't-"

"Shut up!" You heaved, tears flowing freely. Your mouth was set in a grimace when you tasted the saltiness on the curve of your lips. Each tear tasted and felt like failure. Like regret. Like sorrow. Like an aching grief.

Tissaia looked at your shivering form, hunched over on the ground, looking even smaller as the day she'd found you. Your Chaos was loud, even to her. Its high pitch was deafening to her ears and its restlessness wrestled with her own Chaos, desperate to latch onto something or someone that would let it soar. But it couldn't, because you didn't want to hurt her. Soon, she felt it get roped back in and sensed the shield appear around you. Your Chaos, that part of you that was furious, bounced against its cage, but you didn't set it free.

You succeeded. She knew you would.

Only halfway there.

Tissaia cleared her throat, feeling shaken. Despite having suspected some sort of reaction from you, she hadn't expected that the betrayal of unearthing your deepest terrors would shake her so wildly. You were a novice. She was your mentor. This was part of your teachings. She knew she'd had to. If not now, then when? When you were surrounded by the council of your Kingdom and a throwaway comment about a village being set ablaze would make you travel back to your darkest moment and make you set the castle on fire? This wide, open field of nothingness, the place that had started it all, had been the best place to do it. There was no deeper or darker place to succumb to. No challenge greater than this one. And now, she needed you to do it again.

"Y/N, stand up. Now."

But you couldn't. Didn't want to. Because you had yet to look up and let your eyes take in your surroundings, to see all that had changed- and not for the better.

"Then we will try again later when-" Tissaia swallowed back her words when you pushed yourself up.

One leg. Then the other. Shoulders still hunched in unease and pain, but standing nonetheless.

Tissaia breathed in deeply, nodded to give herself some foolish comfort. She had to remind herself you were just a novice. She had to treat you like any other. This did nothing to her. She would not hold back, either. You needed to face this harsh reality to get better.

She watched how your eyes were glued shut but couldn't let it soften her, "Look."

Your chin rose in undefeated defiance, but your eyes remained close. You knew you had to open them. If not now, then another time. But when? You weren't sure you'd even survive going through the this again. Furthermore... there would not be another time if you opened them now.

Vile words were ready and waiting in the back of your throat, all aimed towards your rectoress. You knew she'd confront you somehow, knew she'd shock you in a way you'd least expect for the trial, but never like this. Never this... real. Whatever she'd done the second she'd touched you, had sent you barreling to the past. It had made your head feel like it was going to erupt like a festering cyst. But the physical unease was nothing compared to the torture your heart had just gone through.

"If you can't open your eyes to look, then open them to look at me." Her soft voice now sounded from right in front of you. It shook in pleading guilt and badly hidden trepidation.

You clenched your jaw the second you heard it.

Tissaia was well aware how badly she was sabotaging the entire test by putting herself between you and your confrontation. She wouldn't be around to hold your hand the second you ascended. Wouldn't be there to guide you or shield you from the brunt of things. But she'd clearly miscalculated things. Gravely. She'd been so occupied worrying about how the biggest concern were your flames getting unleashed upon confrontation, that she had eliminated the possibility of breaking your spirit. But she'd always led her teachings more with her head than her heart or conscience. Right now, she regretted that with all her might.

Tissaia's eyes widened in concern when you cowered at her touch.

"Y/N, breathe through the-"

"Stop." You ushered, pleaded, feeling the control you held slip away each time she broke your concentration. Her interruptions were setting you up for failure, and you didn't know why she was suddenly changing her tactic.

Tissaia took a couple of steps back. Out of respect. Not out of danger. Because while she had taken into account the real possibility of another fiery display, there were zero flames to be seen. Her gloves didn't sizzle and melt like that very first time. Beads of sweat didn't trickle down her face while standing close to you. And, most surprising of all, she could feel your Chaos start to lose its fervour. Your energy was calming.

It was not something that had just happened, from one day to the other. It was something you'd trained.

Comfort. Safety. Reassurance. That was what could calm you.

So, the vision of your mother came rushing in. Her open arms. Her warm eyes void of fear, shock, pain or judgement. Her familiar voice and her motherly touch as she brushed the tears from your cheeks, muttering gentle praises over and over again. This wasn't real. You knew it wasn't. But it felt real. And that was all that mattered.

Still, you had to be sure.

You opened your eyes without a second thought, but the air got punched out of your lungs when the space in front of you was empty. There was no warm smile meeting you. No open arms waiting.

The first thing you saw was the tree line. It was clear by the black scarring left behind, that a rope of fire had slashed away at the bark in a long diagonal line, almost as if something had exploded against them. A few of the trees in direct line of sight had not survived-- their slow decay and rot a clear sign.

Then you dared to look around. Carefully. Through your periphery at first. Then your head moved, too.

Here and there, half charred remnants of wood laid in the ground like fossils of the houses that had once been there. The field around it... well, it looked surprisingly green again. Weeds carpeted the ground where ash had once coated it.

Tissaia watched you carefully for any sign that things would tip over, especially when you turned your head.

Your eyes softened but your jaw tightened. Only the surface of foundation beams still barely sticking out of the ground signalled that there had once been a house there. Your house.

A small, defeated sound croaked out of your throat before Tissaia jumped in surprise at the portal you conjured. You got up to your feet so fast, it made your head spin. Then, you stepped through and sealed the hoop shut, leaving Tissaia de Vries behind.

The low and loud buzzing of the portal made your head feel like it could implode, and as soon as you fell on your knees in a wet patch of mud, you heard the familiar sizzle fade away. Right after, your entire supper came back up and out of your mouth. You could barely tell what was up or down the way the world was spinning, and when you opened your eyes to take in your surroundings, you saw double.

You tried to get on your feet, stumbling like a toddler taking their first steps, paying no further mind to your bearings aside from the shed next to the lonely house among the trees. You stumbled toward it and heaved as you dropped onto a crate. Your head still hurt, your eyes were still blurry. Meanwhile, the soft patter of rain that had started to fall filled the silence.

Then you heard it. It sounded distant, but a voice hummed from somewhere close. And it neared.

"Beneath the dripping crooked roof, I sang to mask my sigh, then came a damsel, drenched and lost, with rain in hair and eye."

A shadow appeared before you, then came an outstretched and helpful hand, but it dropped when you looked up in fright.

"Y/N?!"

The stranger was still blurry to you. Your head was pounding and a second wave of nausea threatened to bubble up. But this stranger recognised you. Knew your name. And his voice was eerily familiar yet distant all the same. It was clear that it had been kept on the same shelf in your mind with the other memories of your past.

Two hands gripped tightly onto your arms and tried to pull you up, but you withered, shock still clinging to your limbs from your confrontation. Besides, you still couldn't place this man.

When your eyesight finally sharpened, you tried to take him in. His form was outlined against the trees behind him and the grey downpour that had started. You inhaled sharply, and your face fell.

It was your uncle. Father's side. Timberman by trade, which was why he lived in the forest with his wife and sons. His face paled as he watched you, shivering and scared like a pig put for slaughter.

Frantically, you looked around again. You'd been here before. A thousand times. Whenever your dad would take the trek through the woods to exchange goods, you'd be in the back of the cart with a sibling or two, along for the ride.

"We thought you... You were all... The fire... the massacre-" His eyes were wide and looked you up and down, only to realise you were perfectly fine. You were alive. "Everything was gone! Your house, the entire village!? There were rumours about survivors. I searched other villages for weeks! How did you- What are you doing here?"

Before you could protest, he discarded his walking cane, helped you up and barrelled through the door with you. He pulled your frozen body inside, sat you down in front of the fireplace, threw a shawl around you and pushed a cup in your hands. It was warm. Should've been comforting. But it hurt the phantom burns on your hands. This was the second confrontation in a short time, and it appeared too much for you when the water inside your cup started to bubble and the window shutters started to shake.

Even after your ascension, you stay at Aretuza until no one able to recognise you is left alive. I cannot risk anyone even suspecting you survived that fire. Nor that you are a mage. Because when they do, there's only one plausible explanation as to why you're still alive.

Tissaia's voice clung to you like an eerie threat and promise in one. Then you realised, with your heart sinking to your gut, that you wouldn't have to wait that long to outlive anyone if your uncontrolled emotions ended your uncle's life before time would.

Quickly, you set the cup down beside you, then made way for the door again when the dancing flames in the hearth started to hypnotise you.

"Where are you going?!" Your uncle asked.

His question stumped you. You couldn't say you were going home. You couldn't tell him the truth either.

Before you could come up with a solid lie, his question got stacked with plenty more, "How did you even get here? Where have you been all this time? Why didn't you come sooner? How did you survive?"

You ignored them all, "Where are the others?" You cracked, hoping to avert his attention. Your question didn't come out of nowhere. You did wonder. Because where were they? Usually, they'd be around. And if they weren't, then at least you could see their recent presence in the cottage in the form of half eaten plates, messy beds or the scent of lingering sweat from the hard labour.

You would have seen the drop of his expression if you'd paid attention to him. You didn't. But his refusal to answer you told you enough.

"Did anyone else make it? Beside you?" Your uncle wondered, gesturing for you to sit down again. He took a careful step closer, fearing you'd make a run for it otherwise.

Having to uphold a lie had proven to be the most difficult thing ever since your conduit moment. To not be able to trust anyone with your story, and knowing that was how it was going to have to be until your dying breath, was a lonely life. But, right now, it seemed incredibly hard to simply tell the truth. Your throat closed up so badly it hurt, mimicking the pain of barbed wire. You clenched your hands into fists and closed your eyes. With your head dropped in shame, you shook it in guilt.

"Everyone is gone."

A pained sound left his throat, though he already knew this. Still, a tiny voice had wondered. Because if you had made it, miracles must exist. Instead, you'd squandered his hope with a quick snap of your fingers and pulled him back to reality.

Just one look into his eyes, and you could see the pain. The apology on his tongue. If only he knew you were to blame for your own losses.

Then you looked again. Really looked. Behind his irises and into his mind.

You felt it. You sensed it. You saw it and you heard it.

The loneliness. The grief. The flames that had engulfed his family, too. Your flames. They had been there.

You were hit by the weight of a thousand horses galloping into you, trampling you while you remained awake. Your emotions were uncontrollable, screaming in your ear until you felt tears fall out of your eyes. Your eyes flicked to the hearth in fright, but your Chaos was... composed. Still. Like a lake on a windless summer evening. For the first time ever, it held you when you couldn't hold yourself.

I'm in it with you. We are one and the same.

You should've felt proud. This had been what Tissaia had wanted all along. And though it hadn't happened during the confrontation she'd tried to initiate, it had happened.

To realise you should feel grateful for it, put a foul taste in your mouth. You just learned there was more blood on your hands. More faces to haunt you. There was nothing to be grateful about.

Then, you felt the energy tip as his gaze turned inquisitive, worried, horrified. "Saints- Y/N, your eyes! They're bleeding!?"

A pause. A sharp intake of breath. Realisation.

You stilled. Stood glued to the ground.

Nausea resurfaced, and you felt your Chaos wobble, albeit momentarily. You were not going to add yet another death to your name. You needed to get out. Now.

"I'll come back," You promised, hurrying to open the door, "I promise I'll come back."

His face fell, defeated and confused. You made a run for it, through the door and back into the rain, knowing he couldn't follow or match your pace.

Through the trees and the brushes you ran until you could muster up the last remaining bit of your Chaos and conjure a portal back.

Only you couldn't. Your bottle was empty. Down to the last drop.

You sank to the forest floor, fatigue taking over. Sticky red coated your fingers when you wiped the bloody teardrops away.

With your heart as numb as your cold fingers, you realised you wouldn't care if you never got up again. In fact, it might even be better. For everyone. There was no one you were leaving behind. No one to miss you.

But that wasn't true. And you knew it. And, besides that, you would miss her, too.

You woke with a jolt.

Even through the density of the tree tops, you could make out the change of the sky. Time had passed and turned it dark. It had stopped raining, but your clothes still clung to your body like wet rags. Instantly, you remembered what had happened.

The weeping tree. Your village. The confrontation. Tissaia. The portal that had led you straight to a familiar house that hadn't been tainted by your doing, except for those who had lived in it. Your uncle's familiar and concerned face and the ache and primal need of being around family again. You wanted to turn back around, sit with him in his cosy home and promise him you were all right. But you couldn't lie. Not to him. Not any more than you already had. Nor look in his eyes and see the repercussions of your conduit moment each time you did. Or have him realise what you were. What you had been since the day you were born.

You slowly got up, tested the waters by opening your palms. You concentrated. Hard and fiercely.

Your Chaos was still replenishing. It still felt rattled and broken. But it had your back. It was here. It had looked after you in your slumber and given you a moment to regain some energy.

It came to you slowly, from a distant place. When it got closer and you were able to grasp it, it came quicker. Something started to fizzle and shimmer in front of you. You grunted, had to pull the power from your toes and send it shooting out of your hands before the portal appeared. You thought of safety. Of warmth. Of no longer being alone.

Then, you stepped through.

Your chest rose with laboured breaths and your hair clung to your damp forehead.

You didn't have to focus hard to hear her safe low and distant hum travel through the thick walls and corridors of Aretuza. Yennefer's Chaos was beckoning you to come closer, reaching out in a promise to still your crying soul. It was often most quiet at night, when she was asleep and at ease, though it would thrum through your eardrums whenever she was frustrated or excited. The realisation that you could hear her now, could only mean she was close. You thanked the Saints for sparing you a walk to the Tower of the Gull in your current state.

Your clothes clung to your shivering body as you stumbled through the corridors. The cold of the night and the draft that traveled through the hall nipped at your skin. You made your way to the room you'd walked to a hundred times before, where Yennefer's Chaos was like a beacon calling for you. Your hand hovered over the doorknob, ready to open it, when it creaked open for you.

A beam of firelight shone onto your face, before two violet eyes peeked at you through the creak of the door.

Yennefer was clearly surprised, the shock evident in her expression. Or, maybe surprised wasn't the right word. She'd expected you after all.

Yennefer had jumped awake the second you'd stepped onto Aretuza grounds again. She'd realised something was wrong when your usually soothing yet curious energy now neared with a heaviness so dark, that it made her get up and walk to the door the second she felt it.

"Y/N?" She croaked, and she rubbed at her eyes like an adorable infant, rubbing out the smoke of the fire. Then, as if remembering what usually happened in the middle of the night at Aretuza, and the missing girls that followed, she quickly pulled you inside her room.

She took you in, head to toe, from your shivering form, the big panicked eyes staring straight into hers, and the dried blood that had trickled down your cheeks. You hadn't changed into your sleepingwear, and the soil on your boots and the edges of your garments made it known you'd been outside. The big great outside, the outside where one could only go to on invitation or by a portal carefully curated by a teacher, or if one were to run away. The latter was impossible. Believe her, she'd tried.

You had your arms wrapped around your torso as if to imitate the comfort of a mother's embrace, but it clearly wasn't working all that well.

"What's wrong?" Yennefer was no longer sleepy, but on high alert instead. She took you in once more, this time more thoroughly. The striking resemblance she saw to one of her younger siblings waking her up in the middle of the night after a nightmare, was uncanny. But there was something far less innocent about the way your bloodshot eyes were filling with a new set of tears.

Your chin wobbled, your arms wrapped around yourself even tighter to try and replace the stinging of your burn scars with the pressure of your hold. You couldn't tell Yennefer about what had happened, not if you wanted to keep your end of the deal and be kept in Tissaia's safety. But having no one to help you through it had deemed impossible, and tonight had been the turning point.

"I'm sorry." You muttered, voice hoarse and breaking, heel already turning to go back to your room.

"No- wait. It's... it's okay." Yennefer's voice was small, inquisitive, while she watched you with a keen eye when you carefully stepped further inside her room. Something was off about you, anyone could see that. What was it, and why had you come to her?

"Are you cold?" She asked, already tugging you to the fireplace when you didn't stop shivering, but she furrowed her brows when you darted out of her grip.

You trusted your Chaos, you trusted yourself. But your bottle was still as good as empty. And if there was a tiny crack in which the flames would react to your current state, you didn't want Yennefer to stand in the line of it.

"No!" The panic with which you spoke made her stop in her tracks.

She watched as your eyes flitted away from her stare, how you were almost hunched in on yourself and having to hold yourself up.

"You're in pain." She concluded, voice as soft as a whisper.

Harsher than she'd intended, she pried your arms off you and pulled them towards her. Then, she softly pulled your fingers apart, which you'd been squeezing shut so tightly that your nails had left little shapes of crescent moons in your palms.

There was nothing to see on your hands, despite the muck coating them, but she gently wiped that off. The surface wounds and scars had been removed by tonics and the skilled hands of Aretuza's finest mages. At least the ones available to the eye. The scars on your arms, legs and torso had been gruesome and proven more difficult to remove, especially in your initial state of distress. So, Tissaia had granted you the respite of the daily prodding and pulling at your scars, promising a complete removal during your ascension. But as time had gone on, you had become less sure about wanting to remove them at all. It was a reminder of what had happened, but it was also the last version of your old self still tethered to your being, and a visual reminder to never lose yourself again. It was a promise to your family.

You swallowed through the tight pain in your throat, and closed your eyes when the soft pads of her thumbs gently brushed the hem of your sleeves upwards. You'd always made sure to cover your remaining scars with your garments, and not only because Tissaia had told you it was better to do so to prevent questioning.

However, you were letting someone see them now.

Not someone. Never just someone. Not as of late.

Yennefer.

Yennefer stilled when she saw the red and deeply scarred slashes, blotches and swirls which burns usually left behind. She watched how her touch didn't make you flinch, and dared to pull your sleeves up further to follow the trail of the marks. She stopped when she reached the middle of your upper arm, the realisation that these burns went on and on making it too painful to face the truth-- that you were indeed carrying a painful past... and that you hadn't told her about it.

Her thumbs grazed over your skin, the softness with which she handled you making your heart hurt even more.

"What happened to you?" She breathed out.

You knew the question had been on her mind for a while now. And you wanted to answer her, to tell her every single detail from beginning to end. But you couldn't. Not now, not ever. Not only because of your deal with the Rectoress of Aretuza, but also because you couldn't bear having Yennefer look at you differently when she learned what you'd done.

A quiet sob wracked through you, shy and unsure to take up space. Almost immediately after, a soaring pain tore through the heaviest burns on your stomach. You hunched over, feeling as if the burned flesh was being ripped off at the very second.

Yennefer's warm hand softly pressed against your stomach, her arm snaking around you to hold you up by your waist, but you flinched so hard that she immediately pulled away.

Resolutely, she stepped back, "I'm going to get Tissaia."

"No-" You groaned through your clenched teeth. You looked fearful, frightened like a child who'd done something horrible to upset a parent.

"Did she have anything to do with this?!" Yennefer's voice rose the second she sensed trouble.

With a wobbly voice, another lie tumbled out of you, putting yet another nail in the coffin, "N-No." You shivered.

After seeing the doubt on her face, you realised you had to sell the lie to actually convince her, "It was my... my time for a mock test. I failed."

Lie.

Though Yennefer had seen other mages fail miserably, returning green or bruised and tattered, something about the alertness in your eyes didn't feel quite the same as the shame she'd seen in theirs. But it was you. And she would always try to believe you.

Yennefer looked at you, arms falling to her sides, clearly out of her element and not knowing what to do. The tears still flowing out of your eyes made her chest ache.

"Can I-" You inhaled sharply, "-stay here? J-Just for a few hours. I don't want to face Tissaia yet."

Truth.

Yennefer pursed her lips, eyes going to the door of her chamber. There was no hiding from Tissaia. Not in Aretuza, not anywhere. She would find you if she wanted to. It didn't matter where or when she would find you. She would. Something had gone terribly wrong, and while Yennefer was still torn about the believability of your story, there wasn't a single bone in her body that wanted to let you out of her sight. Not when you were like this. Not right now, not ever.

"You can stay as long as you want." Yennefer mumbled.

She surprised both herself and you when she pulled you against her chest in a tight embrace.

It soothed your heart within a second, but tore it apart right after. Because you had lied to her. Had done so since the day you met, and would have to do so for years to come. In a feeble attempt, and while trying to push away the guilt, you clung to her to soothe those gaping wounds both physical and mental.

Yennefer exhaled a shaky breath when you buried into her chest, hands clawing at the fabric hanging loosely on her back. She let you. Let you regain your calm in her arms once she squeezed tighter, even if the foreign feeling of comfort made her skin itch.

In a way, it was strange. She'd thought of physical contact with you before. Touches that went past the occasional hand tug or shoulder pat. She'd thought of arms wrapping around her. Of hands that dared to graze her deformities. Of someone who dared to close the distance without feeling disgusted. Now she had someone that close, someone glued to her chest and clawing at her back, hunchback included. But it felt strange. Wrong. This wasn't how she'd imagined it. Because each time you clung to her closer than ever, it was when you were distraught.

Yennefer let you step out of her arms again the second she felt a shift in your energy.

"You're safe." She whispered, hands cupping your cheeks, pads of her thumbs wiping at the dried streaks of blood on your cheeks in a failed attempt to clean them, "You're safe." She repeated, gaze softening and the softest of smiles being sent your way to reassure you she wasn't lying. She had you in her sights now. You'd always be safe there.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. Because while Yennefer thought you were safe in her arms, you weren't so sure she would be in yours.

Yennefer watched you put a safe distance between the two of you, watching you wipe at your face and fixing your hair with your back towards her. As though she hadn't already seen the tears fall. Or the blood streaks, which could only mean you'd greatly exerted yourself.

Once you were feeling a little more composed, you turned. Yennefer hated how your eyes were looking at the ground instead of her violet ones.

You were still shivering. Your skin felt feverishly hot with a clammy sweat sticking to it.

No, you didn't look at her, because you didn't want to look at her while she was seeing you like this. Because she was looking at the worst version of you. Not the weak and openly vulnerable one who was clearly in distress. No, she was looking straight at the version you'd been during your conduit moment. The version full of fear. The monster, to blame for many horrible things. The version that was a murderer. And thanks to Tissaia's mind bending, that version had resurfaced. Yennefer didn't know it. She never would.

You didn't deserve the warmth or comfort she was willing to give you.

Despite looking at the ground, you saw the blanket Yennefer had pulled off her bed and held out for you, ready to wrap you in its cloaked embrace. But you stayed still. You couldn't accept such a gesture when you couldn't even tell her why you were shivering in the first place. Not because of the cold. Never because of the cold. Because of the intense heat and its aftermath.

She took a careful step closer, saw you turn away from her and sighed.

"At least let me give you a calming draught I made." Yennefer was already going through the rows of bottles in her cabinet, carefully inspecting each label, "This one's instilled with lavender and chamomile. Both healing and soothing. I brewed it for five days so it should be the most potent one out of the-"

Three harsh, booming knocks made the both of you turn to the door. Yennefer didn't miss the way you flinched and cowered again. Neither of you needed to open the door to know who was knocking-- her powerful Chaos a dead giveaway of its own.

Tissaia de Vries.

That also meant neither of you were foolish enough to think you could hide from your rectoress, because if you could sense her Chaos, she sure could sense yours.

Yennefer's gaze went from you to the door, then back to you. She stumbled closer, sleep still stuck in her limbs but mind as alert as ever since the moment you'd stepped inside. She grabbed your hand upon passing you, pulled you behind her before opening the door a smidge.

Tissaia stood on the other side in the dimly lit hallway, the light of the candelabras dancing off her features. Her hair was slightly ruffled. Or... well, a little less than perfect. Some stray strands of hair had escaped her bun and stuck to her temples. Her lip was pursed in its usual judgemental way, her chin tipped high. And though she tried to downplay the worry she was feeling, her eyes were wide in panic when she peered behind Yennefer and into the room.

"Y/N, step out."

Tissaia wasn't one for pleasantries, never had been, not even as a young mage, but the way she'd rushed through her words meant this wasn't just a regular order. This was one with haste.

In any other case, Yennefer might have folded and opened the door a little wider in fear of disappointing the woman she'd started to look up to. Not this time, not with your shivering form she could still feel closely behind her. Not after promising you could stay, after reassuring you were safe. She knew lying about your company would be in vain, for every novice awake and asleep could feel your Chaos rumbling. She did it anyway, felt it in her bones that she had to stall something that felt inevitable.

"It's the middle of the night." Yennefer narrowed her eyes again and pushed out a practiced yawn, "We were asleep."

"You were not. I came straight here the second Y/N's Chaos returned." Tissaia pushed against the door and walked in. Yennefer turned with her, shielding you from view behind her hunched back. But you'd always stood a little taller beside Yennefer. Everyone did. So Tissaia's eyes finding you almost instantly was an inevitability.

Tissaia''sfeatures softened the second she took you in-- shaking hands that clamped at your arm and stomach, shivering shoulders, trembling chin and bloody tearstained cheeks and eyes that did not dare to look at her.

She'd gone too far.

"Y/N- come." Tissaia swallowed, stopping herself from extending a hand or throwing an arm around you.

Yennefer's brows rose and she looked at you beside her through her peripheral. You didn't budge. Kept your head tilted down as your hand found the hem of Yennefer's sleeve.

Tissaia clenched her teeth together, grinding them as her gaze turned to steel.

"You are not in trouble, though we will talk about it in my office." She spoke her words with quiet but practiced grimness, hoping with all her might that you would poke through the act. Swiftly, Tissaia turned on her heel, stopped, looked your way before speaking, "Now."

You were beyond shaken and exhausted, evidently so. Taking you with her to talk about it now was cruel, even for Tissaia.

Despite not knowing what had happened, Yennefer thought as much when she stood her ground, "No."

Tissaia stopped, "No?"

Yennefer spun to you, then back to Tissaia, with pleading eyes that said-- Look at her.

"Go back to bed, Yennefer." Tissaia whirled her hand around in a circular motion, opened her fingers and blew. Dust speckled into Yennefer's face, who immediately stumbled backwards, dropped onto the bed when her legs hit the edge, and fell into a deep slumber.

You could only watch in defeat as your friend curled up on her bed. Then, a warm hand, a gentle touch, made you turn around. It was as though Tissaia had suspected the drop in your energy before your limbs had as soon as Yennefer had let you go, because your knees buckled and gave out.

Tissaia already had you in a steady hold before you could drop to the cold tiled floor. Her whispered words of both concern and regret were the last thing you heard before that same speckled dust tickled your throat and nostrils.

"Rest, sweet girl. You're safe now."

Your eyes felt swollen and itched, and your throat felt like you had breathed fire. Which, you might as well have. Surprisingly enough, that was all. No limbs ached. The cold from the rain hadn't clung to your bones throughout the night, and your head wasn't pounding from over exertion. Your Chaos was... okay. On the mend. Timid. Like floating on the soft cadence of the ocean waves.

You opened your eyes slowly. Some sunlight peeked through the curtains, softening the transition from complete darkness to light. But, this wasn't your chamber. Nor was it the infirmary you were waking up in. And the soft feel of velvet beneath your hands was foreign to you as well.

There was tapestry on the walls. Curtains of a four poster bed were half drawn as if to shield you from the world outside of it. A candelabra stood on the nightstand. Not flickering. Untouched on purpose. Next to it, some crystals laid out in what you knew to be an organised chaos, meticulously picked in order to get the best workings. In between them, an intricately decorated silver pot was smoking, and the comforting scents of lavender combined with the warm and spicy scents of clary sage engulfed you.

It was when you saw the jewellery display on one of the dressers that you knew without a doubt whose private quarter this was.

It spooked you instantly. Why was Tissaia de Vries letting yo past her walls when she'd made an effort to keep you at arm's length thus far? Sure, the nasty names had vanished, and so had the stoic looks and harsh words. But she hadn't exactly crossed any boundary to something closer before. Until now.

The door to her sleeping chamber opened and Tissaia stepped in-- carrying a silver platter which held a cup, a bowl and a vial. The latter worried you, even if it was only slightly.

"No one could see you in your state."

Straight to it, and it didn't even surprise you.

"Three of the new novices have had an accident during botany class. There was no privacy at the infirmary. And no wall or door could stop Yennefer from getting into your room." Tissaia sighed, set the platter down and threw the curtains open. The light blinded you, causing bright spots to blur your vision.

The bizarreness of waking up after a day like yesterday, in a bed that definitely wasn't your own, and of not knowing what had happened after you'd passed out, was making the panic resurface. Not wanting to slouch in front of your rectoress either, you quickly sat up against the wooden headboard. The designs of the woodwork poked your back.

Tissaia neared the bed, refusing eye contact. Itt made you uneasy, for Tissaia was never one to shy away from anyone's eyes. Especially since she could read everyone with her steely blue stare and could block out whoever tried to pry. It gave you the opportunity to look at her without shame or fear.

It only made you even more uneasy.

Tissaia de Vries had never looked out of sorts. She simply didn't do disheveled, or exhausted, or pale. Her Chaos and the enchanted looks she'd established after her ascension simply never let her. And maybe, to any normal eye, she looked fine. But the tremble of her fingers when she uncorked the vial only accentuated the droop of her expression.

"Something to drink and eat to replenish your Chaos." She pursed her lips, emptied half of the vial in your drink, and the other in your bowl of soup. Immediately, a soft cloud of pastel yellow puffed upwards and mixed with the steam of both hot beverages.

Careful not to kick the platter on the bed and spill anything, you pushed yourself further up. Before you could make a face at the wood once again poking your ribs, Tissaia had fluffed a pillow and placed it behind your back.

As if that had been too much coddling for her taste, she instantly walked away to look out the window. She clenched her entwined hands behind her back, willing her guilt and worries and heartbreak away.

When you'd disappeared through your portal, she'd been beside herself. It had taken her a good minute to clear her head and figure out what action to take next. It had taken her a while to track your Chaos in some woods, but she hadn't found you there. And when she returned to Aretuza, shaken at what she'd done, she'd been beside herself again. Because Tissaia had done something unimaginable in those woods. But she'd done it for you. For the greater good. There was comfort in knowing you'd never know. But also great responsibility and guilt for carrying that burden and that deceit with her for the rest of her life.

Tissaia could hear the rustling of the sheets, heard you blow at the heat of your tea before she cleared her throat,

"You broke a Brotherhood order when you travelled by portal on your own without consent from one of your superiors." She spoke gently but clearly. Perhaps she was afraid a loud voice would rattle you too much after this weird awakening, or maybe she was afraid any sound of her voice would make you flinch. Or... maybe she was afraid that a loud voice could only break if she thought too much of what her hands had done hours prior.

"A bold move right before your ascension." Tissaia nervously brushed her thumbs together in her palmed hands, straightening her back again in a feeble attempt to look more composed.

"You were gone for hours, something I can't easily brush past."

Fright instantly filled you. And when she turned around to look at you, you looked down at the warm cup in your hands. You couldn't let her look in your eyes. Nor could you let her read your thoughts.

Because she couldn't know where you'd been. She couldn't know who you'd seen... who knew you were still out there.

"You are dead to the world you used to know, and those you once knew are dead to yours. Use that for your rebirth in this new world. There is safety in surviving alone, like there is safety in no one knowing you survived."

The tea burned your tongue and throat as it went down, the sweetness of it not a great taste with the bitterness of the vial. But you'd seen what vial Tissaia had uncorked, and you needed all the replenishing your Chaos could get if you wanted to keep Tissaia out of your head.

Tissaia swallowed. Felt her lip tremble and her hands shake again. Then, in a moment of weakness, she sat down on the bed, grabbed your hand, and squeezed so hard your fingertips could have turned blue.

"Do not do that-" She took a shaky breath, "-ever again."

It wasn't a request, it wasn't a statement-- it was a plea.

Because Tissaia de Vries had done something terrible. She'd had to. You'd made her do so by running off and stumbling through those woods. And even if you would never know what she'd done that would hurt you so badly, that didn't mean she wanted to have to do it ever again.

Yennefer thundered down staircases, rushed through the long hall of classrooms, rounded a corner and threw open the door to Tissaia's office the second she found your chamber empty.

She'd woken up with the faint drowsiness of an artificial sleep still clinging to her, but she was wide awake the second her mind had caught up with her. She remembered it all. You-- trembling and drenched. Shaken like she'd never seen you before, the wobble in your voice evident when you'd spoken, followed by the very woman you came to Yennefer to hide from, taking you with her.

"Where is she?!"

Tissaia looked up, unaffected by the worried fury in Yennefer's violet eyes or the rage with which she'd spat her words. She simply put down her quill, stared at her, and stayed silent.

"Well?!"

Yennefer had had her own ascension practice trial the day before, and sure, there had been little mistakes that she was beating herself up about, but they hadn't left her as drastically affected as they had you. You'd returned a different person. You'd returned as small and drained as the day Yennefer had seen you being brought in.

"Y/N is resting."

Yennefer huffed, "Like you'd made me rest?"

Tissaia pursed her lips and inhaled deeply, "Y/N is replenishing her Chaos after yesterday's events."

"And what were yesterday's events?!" Yennefer asked, pushing for an answer when Tissaia remained silent, "Why am I not allowed to know?!"

Blue eyes of steel met violet ones full of frustration. Yennefer's eyes pierced through Tissaia's, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not see past the layers of protection. Tissaia could. Oh, she could. And she didn't quite know what to do with the information she found behind Yennefer's purple pools.

"That is confidential and you know it is, Yennefer."

For a split second, Tissaia wavered, Yennefer's lesser nickname already on the tip of her tongue in hopes that it would remind her of her place. But Yennefer's worry wasn't misplaced. It was admirable. Especially for a girl who had once shoved everyone away who came even a fraction too close or seemed even the slightest bit better than her.

"Then let me see her."

"I will tell her you came by."

Yennefer groaned, loudly and furiously, and small puffs of wind came out of her hands. Tissaia looked at them, at how they made the parchment on her desk dance, then looked up at the girl with a belittling and disapproving look. Yennefer was letting her Chaos out. Not out of loss of control, but because she wanted to rattle Tissaia. Because she wanted to get her way.

"Do you ever get tired pretending you are anything other than a centuries old hag who'd look like a decaying corpse if it wasn't for her enchantments?!"

Yennefer couldn't even bother waiting for a reaction, her anger already carrying her out the office with loud stomps and an even louder bang of the door.

She walked through the halls of Aretuza with her head full of doubts and worries, not even looking up when Sabrina and Fringilla passed her and asked if she was all right.

The second she opened the door where your familiar scent still lingered, she calmed. She rested against it, head falling back against the dark wood while she tried to stop the heaving of her chest.

The fire was out. It was cold, and the sun had long passed your chamber on the south side of the island, keeping it buried in the shade. A stack of notes and opened books were still on the desk, no doubt to cast one last glance before your trial. A set of freshly washed garments laid folded on your bed. The fabric that hung loosely around Yennefer's body began to itch at the thought of them.

She'd wait here. You'd have to return sometime. And when you did, your room would be a little less cold wwith Yennefer's company.

Yennefer sat up from your bed the second she heard the door creak. She'd been lost in her mind, passing the time by going through her notes again.

Your eyes went to the crackling hearth first. Then to Yennefer.

"Oh."

Yennefer stood up and pulled at her garments when you kept staring at her. The air got punched out of her lungs when you launched yourself against her, arms wrapped tightly around her neck and breath fanning her ear.

"Are you-"

She felt you nod against her, your arms tightening. With more confidence than ever before, she snaked her arms around your waist and held you close. You didn't cry this time as she held you. And Yennefer wasn't afraid to hurt you this time around either.

Something inside you settled. Like a feather that slowly fell down to its resting place on the floor. Or dust speckles twinkling in the lamp light. Calm and at ease.

You cleared your throat, let go but held her at arm's length. Yennefer's violet eyes were staring right through yours, but you had long ago mastered the art of blocking. It was of no use for her to try. But she deserved an explanation.

"Yesterday-" You started, "...it appeared to be too much, still."

"What do you mean?" Yennefer immediately shot back, fearing the worst. Because if you weren't ready to ascend... would that mean you'd disappear like all the others?

"What happened?"

"You know we aren't allowed to discuss-"

"And we're not allowed to cuss either, but fucking hell, Y/N- Did you see yourself when you got back? Something was wrong." Her eyes flickered to your arms, "Did it have something to do with-"

Instantly, you pulled back entirely, putting your arms behind your back and out of her reach.

"The trial is supposed to unearth our biggest challenge and have us face them. You know that."

"And yours was fire?"

You bit the inside of your cheek, then nodded. You could work with this. It wasn't even a full lie. Your biggest fear had been fire at some point, after all. And perhaps, if things landed sideways, it still would be.

"Shit- that's why you were drenched." Yennefer started pacing, "Did you use the right spell? Water magic is trickier than air, but I might have some notes on elder-"

"Yen..."

"Those were old, right?" Yennefer suddenly stopped in front of you, eyes going back to the burns hidden beneath your sleeves. "They had to be. The council wouldn't-" She licked her lips to try and relieve the tension in her jaw, "You didn't get hurt yesterday? Because I swore they looked new."

Your hand grabbed hers, "They're old. I promise." This you could reassure her of with all your might. So you did.

Yennefer nodded, but it was clear by how her eyes glazed over that something was still bothering her, "What happened with Tissaia then?"

Truth. You could tell her the truth. Tissaia had given you the go ahead.

"I ran off. By portal."

When Yennefer's eyes widened, you added,

"It was an accident that happened in my state of mind. But you need to keep that between us."

"Where'd you go?"

You hadn't entirely prepared for this branch of the story, but you knew you should've expected it. Yennefer was curious. Always needed to know everything. Only this time, her curiosity was probably fuelled by worry.

So, you told the truth. If not to settle her worry, then to give her what she deserved. You had already lied too much to her. She deserved better.

Your chin wobbled. "Home."

Yennefer watched you stumble, saw how you were fighting tears and felt your Chaos break. Immediately, she pulled you against her again. She knew how much you missed your family, had sensed so from fondness with which you'd told her your stories and the twinkle that had appeared in your eyes each time you did. Your family... they brought a childlike glee out of you. But there was something heavy weighing your smile down as well. She hated it.

"Did you see them?" She breathed into your hair.

You shook your head in the crook of her neck, and Yennefer's heart broke along with yours. Even she had thought about what a reunion with her family would look like, and she hadn't even had something worth returning to. But to get the opportunity to take a leap back home, and not see the faces you hold most dear, was enough to destroy anyone.

"Maybe next time, after your ascension." She played with the ends of your hair, hoping to soothe you with hopes and promises and dreams and wishes, "I could come with you. You could show me around. I could see your family's cottage and your land. Eat your mother's apple tart and look for stones on the riverbeds." She whispered into your hair, "You can show me the figures your father made you. I'm sure they kept your things. And you can show them the new you. They'll be so proud, Y/N, I know they will."

You just hummed. You knew better.

Because longing for a dream like that was only ever going to be a slow descent into self destruction.

a/n: a new part! took me long enough, hm? not my best work but it's been sitting in my drafts for months and I knew it wasn't going to get any better either way. I did my best to make it the best I could in this moment of time. I hope the story will finally be able to move forward now that ascension day and belleteyn are happening next!

& for those of you who celebrate: happy christmas to you and your loved ones! wishing you all the very best. I wanted to publish it today as a little treat. and for those who don't celebrate: I hope it's still a happy surprise, and I'm sending all my love to you! all the best and thanks for the continuous interest and support in this story. it's very dear to me. till next time.

𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵, 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗽𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝘀. 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿’𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 <3

𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝

[nnightskiess]

everytime you leave, part nine

₊° - 𝐲𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐠 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘰𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴.

everytime you leave, masterlist

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵, 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗽𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝘀. 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿’𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 <3

Yennefer's jaw tightened when Tissaia addressed the class the next day. She hadn't been able to put all the pieces together of the rambled words that had left your mouth through your sobs, but she'd caught enough to know that Tissaia de Vries had at least played a part behind them. She felt jittery, fueled by both her frustration and disappointment in herself for thinking Tissaia had warmed up to you both. Tissaia would praise the two of you in the confinements of her office, but then treat you like nonentities outside of it. It irked Yennefer to no end. And that, atop of how distraught she'd seen you, had switched something in her. Though, perhaps more than one thing had changed the night she'd awkwardly comforted you. Not only was she now as wary as ever of her rectoress, but she felt a sudden need to be mad at the woman in thousandfold in your name.

It was as if Tissaia had heard the young mage terrorise her in her head when she directed her next words to Yennefer.

"Tell me, Yennefer, what plant should never be used when the moon is in its last quarter phase?"

Yennefer nibbled her lip, not wanting to answer Tissaia, but not wanting to look like she didn't know the answer either. She had already looked enough like an incompetent fool.

"Datura."

"And when can you use it?"

"During a new moon. It can only be plucked and handled during that time. Once you've installed it into a potion, it can be drunk whenever."

"And what-"

"It alters the mind of the drinker, rendering them insane until the next moon cycle. Its link to the moon is why it has been closely examined in lycanthropy studies, but witchers have not endorsed the usage to kill such beasts, nor studied its effectiveness."

Tissaia gave her a thorough look, sizing her up, and then went on with her lesson. Yennefer couldn't help it when the corner of her mouth quirked up into a lopsided grin— her rectoress hadn't been able to catch her slacking off and embarrass her.

Her temporary gloating was crushed soon enough when she heard her classmates' giggles beside her. She was half expecting them to make fun of the eagerness with which she had answered, so it was a surprise to hear your name drop in their hushed conversation.

"You think she'll come back at all?"

"I don't, she's missed too much, and she was already a horrible mage to begin with."

Before Yennefer could interfere this time, Tissaia had already beaten her to it.

"What was that?" Tissaia's mouth was set in a hard line, eyes surveying the girls whose faces flushed.

Daena's cheeks reddened to the colour of a beetroot.

Tissaia pressed, "Enlighten us?"

Daena looked to her friends for confidence, desperately hoping that the lie she was about to tell would sound believable, "We were just worried about when Y/N will return to class."

Tissaia lifted her chin and looked down at the girls, having neared their desks, "Since you're so curious about her recovery, you will make notes for her during tomorrow's botany class. If she fails the task, then that will be on you for not paying attention."

"Like Y/N will learn shit from Daena."

Immediately, Tissaia's attention, and that of the whole class, was back on Yennefer. They watched with bated breath as student and rectoress were locked in a scrutinizing stare.

"And you think she would learn more from you?" Tissaia mused.

"Better than a mage who can't even differentiate elder runes from the new phase runes." Yennefer bit back, fixing both Daena and Tissaia with a teary glare. Daena's face flushed even worse— even she couldn't deny that perhaps she wasn't that much better in class than the girls she'd bullied. The first few weeks she had been able to pass each class with flying colours, but as they were starting to advance into more difficult stages of magic, she had begun to struggle.

"Enough," Tissaia seethed, eyes boring into violet ones. Yennefer huffed and slouched back in her seat, ignoring the stares from her classmates still directed at her. She'd said what she had wanted to say and put Daena in her place. And the whole class, including Tissaia, had heard her.

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

Yennefer trudged through the hallways, feet dragging across the floor in the uneven cadence of her steps. She passed the doors leading to the dormitories and up the spiral staircase to Tissaia's wing. The door to her office was already open, and Tissaia sat perched against her desk, waiting for her.

"That was quite a statement you made in class," Tissaia started, and Yennefer scrunched her face in confusion when the woman gave her a half-smile, "Well done."

"Well done?" Yennefer's voice was small.

"I heard all that they said. You did, too, I suppose?" Yennefer nodded, "Being part of the Brotherhood means sticking up for your fellow mages... it means showing bravery and speaking up when one is being unjust. You showed you had what it takes."

Yennefer knew she should've accepted the compliment, but her expression hardened, "If you heard them, why didn't you correct them? Aren't you meant to look out for us as our rectoress?"

"Their punishment is not of your concern, Yennefer. But since they're so inclined to help Aretuza rid of inept mages, they're going help me with a chore tonight."

Yennefer sat up on the edge of her seat, ready to speak up when Tissaia lifted her hand and gave her a look of finality— the conversation was over. At least, the topic had changed, for she narrowed her eyes during her next words,

"The boy you met... upon your arrival at Aretuza," She drawled out, taking her time, making Yennefer the slighest bit uneasy of where she was going with this, "The one you've gone to see now and then..."

"Istredd?" She wondered what the Ban Ard student had to do with this, or how Tissaia even knew about him at all. Though, perhaps she shouldn't question the reaches of Tissaia's eyes and ears any longer. Nothing went past that damned woman.

"What do the two of you talk about?"

Confused, and a little defensive, Yennefer said, "I thought we were encouraged to have good relations with the Ban Ard students?"

"What do the two of you talk about?" Tissaia repeated herself.

"Aretuza. History... the Continent. Chaos. The Elves."

"The Elves?" Tissaia reiterated, "Does he ask you things?"

"What things?"

"About your classes, your teachers, your fellow novices. Perhaps about new girls that came in? Or maybe things about yourself?"

Yennefer made a face, unsure why any of that was of relevance.

"Does he?"

"No, no, he doesn't, I don't-"

"I am going to give you a task. Do it well, keep it between us, and you'll gain more than my trust."

Yennefer perked up, captivated with her promise, awfully aware that a woman like Tissaia wouldn't just make a task like this if it wasn't serious. And if it was serious... it meant she already had a part of Tissaia's trust, for why else would she assign her with the task?

"Yes...okay."

"I want you to keep your ears open whenever he asks you something too personal, something out of the ordinary. When he sticks his nose where he shouldn't. Can you do that for me?"

"You think he's ungenuine?"

"I think that he's been asked to do the same."

Yennefer frowned, "What? Spy on me?"

Tissaia only nodded.

"Why?"

"Because that is what happens. Here. At Court. All around the Continent. You are no longer a nobody in a pigpen, you are a mage and part of a Brotherhood. Do not act so surprised."

Surprised was an understatement. Yennefer was stunned at the significance and secrecy of what her rectoress had just told her. But what she had asked her, was plaguing her that much more. In theory, it was a simple question, able to be answered by a quick yes or no. And what was asked of her was, in fact, simple too— she only had to keep her ears perked and run to Tissaia if there was anything to inform her. Though, that meant that she, from now on, had a double agenda whenever she was going to see Istredd, the young man who had been accepting of her from the very start. Had all that just been pretend?

Tissaia woul've been able to read the worries on Yennefer's face, had she not heard the girl's voice echo in her own mind. She had to give her an incentive.

"Show me you're capable and I'll take your help into consideration when you ascend."

Immediately, all doubt disappeared from Yennefer's mind, "When?" It had only been a matter of if in her mind, up until now.

"When," She confirmed, "Is that a yes?"

Yennefer nodded, words disappearing on her. Rectoress De Vries was offering her the out she had dreamed of years before she even knew Chaos existed within her. She sighed, the realisation that, finally, she would get the chance to be beautiful and start over was nigh.

Tissaia's mouth curved into a gentle smile, "Now take this scroll to Y/N. I want her to prepare for her return next week."

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

Yennefer stood in front of your door, uneasily toying with the scroll in her hands. The last time she'd stood there, she'd heard you cry and her morality had been put to the test. Her ears perked in case she heard any more sniffles so that she had a reason to run away, but something was keeping her standing and having her knock on the wood. Out of the handful of times she'd been here in front of your door, feeling curious, frustrated or calm, she'd never felt what she was feeling right now— nervous.

It stayed silent, so she knocked again, adding,

"Y/N? I have something for you. It's from Tissaia. For your return to classes next week."

Yennefer had not needed to announce her presence, for you had felt her energy approach the second she'd entered the hallway. You'd noticed the change whenever she walked by or into class after the first few days of being at Aretuza. The air would change, your Chaos always had a mind of its own, and a soft buzz would ring through your ears.

With careful steps, you approached the door, opened it, and peered outside to see Yennefer's crooked and unsure smile greet you. You remembered when you'd last seen her, how she'd awkwardly shuffled out of your room once your tears had dried. She hadn't said a single word. It seemed she thought of the same moment, her eyes examining you from head to toe to make sure you were in a better predicament this time.

You opened your palm, expecting her to deliver whatever she had for you and be on her merry way again, but she shifted her weight to her other leg, unsurely, and asked,

"Can I come in?"

"Why?" Left your lips before you could think about it, and Yennefer sighed in exasperation, patience gone with the wind.

"Because it's important. Will you?"

You further opened the door and Yennefer walked past, waiting until you had closed the door to weed out any unwanted listeners to turn around and face you. She discarded Tissaia's scroll on your desk and looked at you, her expression a little indifferent when she shrugged,

"You missed a lot," Yennefer stated, matter of factly.

"I'm aware of that."

"Too much, in fact." She went on, making you uncertain why she was here, if not to make you more insecure and worried.

She started to awkwardly fumble with the sleeve of her blue garments, put her hand in there and wiggled something out. She held her shaking hand outstretched— three small pieces of parchment were crumpled up in her hand.

Albeit confused, you took them, releasing them as notes and tips scribbled down in Yen's handwriting.

"Botany class about the use of Datura in potions."

"But you hate botany?" You looked at the notes, sparing her a quick glance, unsure why she would willingly write this down.

Yennefer chuckled wryly. You were right. She did. Chewing plants and mixing stems with leaves was a yawn fest at best, but when Daena failed to show up during the class where she was supposed to take notes for you, a slight worry had started to set in. Without Daena's notes, you would fall behind even more, which would inevitably lead to problems with Tissaia, which was never a good thing and could maybe even lead to... another disappearance? The thought had made her make up her mind in an instant.

A breathy laugh escaped you at her sudden, but welcome, act of kindness, "Why help, though?" You gave her a look, "Not that I don't appreciate it, I do, I really do, but I vividly remember you telling me that the less competition you had, the better."

It was true. Yennefer had said that. To your face, during one of your one-on-one study sessions all those weeks ago when you'd asked her for help. In fact, she'd still say it... but to anyone else but you. There was a kindness... a tenderness to you that none of the others had shown her. Sure, Anika had shown her empathy, but was that because she was on the bottom of the chain too and Yennefer was her last resort of a friend, or because she genuinely appreciated having her around? Because she'd seen you be put to the test on your first week. If she remembered correctly, and she always did, you had stuck up for her in front of two of the most popular girls in the school without even properly knowing her. It still bugged her. You had been different from the start. To think that you thought she wasn't on your side, worried her. Had she really been that harsh towards you?

Her voice was meek and the shy Yennefer peeked through, "You think I see you as competition?"

You looked at her, a mock scowl on your face, but saw Yennefer hadn't said it with her usual snarky bite, or the sarcastic quips she used as soon as she went into defence.

"Wait, you're not helping me so that I'm in your favour, right? Because whatever you're up to— no, I'm not into it." You tried to push the pieces of parchment back into her grasp, but she pushed your hands back.

"I was actually counting on you helping me tear this entire place apart." The indifference with which she spoke, had you worrying a bit.

"You still want to leave Aretuza?"

Maybe she once had but, no, not any more.

Yennefer shook her head, "No. I've come to realise it's of no use to leave before I've learned everything I can. If I want to be powerful, I need to stay." She watched you carefully, examining the tiniest changes on your face, "You?"

"I can't leave, I told you."

"And why's that?"

"Same reason." You shrugged, turning to walk to your desk—  the scroll Yennefer had brought you suddenly seemed extremely interesting.

"The truth now, please." Yennefer rolled her eyes, approaching you and reading along with you over your shoulder. Tissaia had given you a scroll about elemental magic again? How air could help put out-

You turned around to block her view the second you felt her behind you, eyebrows rising in surprise at her proximity, "It is the truth." You fought with the strap to tie the scroll close, "And... well, I've got friends here now."

Yennefer's face contorted in disgust, "Who? You call those girls your friends?"

"No, but the ones that bring me notes from class... I do consider friends."

The raven-haired girl turned away from you, not wanting you to see how badly you'd taken her off-guard with that, but her silence and distance were proof of their own.

A gentle hand on her deformed shoulder made her turn. You stood there, mouth twitching into a gentle smile, the large book Tissaia had given the two of you weeks ago to read together tucked against your chest.

"I've done some reading," You strode to your bed against the wall in the corner, then gestured for Yennefer to follow you when she kept staring at you goggle-eyed, "I can share my notes with you, too."

"Why?" Yennefer wondered.

"Because that's what friends do."

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

Yennefer grumbled as she pushed against the door with her shoulder. It was stuck in the frame for the umpteenth time, and she'd had enough. With her palm outstretched and a muttered incantation, a gush of telekinetic wind as powerful as a Witcher's Aard blew the door off its hinges. It clattered against the wall on the other side, where it fell into several pieces.

"Gods- Yennefer?!" You gaped at your friend who stepped in and made her dramatic entrance, a twinkle of mischief and pride in her eye from the stunt she'd just pulled.

"Are you going to tell Tissaia what happened to my door or will you let me suffer that one on my own?"

Yennefer waved you off as she looked at the mess she'd left, "You should thank me. Now they have to fix it."

"I quite liked it getting stuck... it kept out unwanted visitors," You bit back, but Yennefer noticed the ghost of a smirk dancing on your lips as you flipped through your book.

"Hmpf," She kicked a broken wooden slat out of her way and approached you. You were sitting on your bed again, against the wall, the place you'd made your own and the place she usually found you at, despite your perfect four-legged chair.

You put the book you were reading down on your lap, "You do know how cold it gets here during the night, don't you? These halls aren't part of the heating enchantment."

"Maybe you can room with Florence or Sabrina, now that Jutta and Daena still haven't returned after realising how shit they really were." She gave you an amusing glance, but the mention of them warped your attention.

"Don't you think it's weird, though? That no one ever said a word about it?"

"That's because they're afraid they'll be next. This place is fuelled by fear. I'm just grateful for the fact we no longer have to deal with them at all. What's that, there?"

"A book," You showed her the cover, ignoring how she rolled her eyes at her implied stupidity, "About the Isle of Thanedd and Gors Velen."

"Why would you ever read that voluntarily?" She plopped down beside you.

"Well, the weather's getting softer, so I figured Belleteyn must be close. I wanted to know if it's celebrated here. I don't think we ever celebrated it properly back home, but there was always a bonfire on the outskirts of our village and we feasted on our latest harvests. And we decorated our house with the first flowers of the year, too."

Yennefer watched you gush, your mind away in a fond memory.

"Belleteyn?" Her voice was barely above a hushed whisper, something like hurt softening her words. Then she exhaled loudly, frustrated and fed up, "It's a shit holiday." She grumbled, ignoring how your enthusiasm had faltered.

"You don't like it?"

Yennefer made a sound of indifference and folded her arms together, staring out your window at the clouds travelling through the clear sky.

"Have you ever celebrated?"

"No."

You rolled your eyes. This was typical Yennefer— judgment at the ready for almost anything. If she had her mind made up about something, there was no coaxing her to see things differently.

"Then how-"

Yennefer turned to face you, swiftly, "I don't want to fucking talk about Belleteyn, okay?!"

Her sudden change stunned you, but only momentarily, for you were no stranger to such bursts from Yennefer now and then.

"Hells, fine then." You stood up to close your window, stopping the breeze of the sea below from getting in, "If you only come here to destroy my door and yell at me, then I'd rather you just leave."

Yennefer looked up at you and nibbled her lip, the gesture making her already tight jaw even more tense. She realised she'd been too harsh... again, and though you usually forgave her outbursts and had started to find a way to work around them, she was afraid if she pushed too hard, there would come a day when you wouldn't be so tolerant anymore.

"I just don't like Belleteyn." She clarified, a little less agitated now. You knew better than to ask why, so you watched and waited to see if she'd continue on her own. Ever since becoming cautious friends with Yennefer, you had started to read her tells and quirks. You knew when she was testing you, and you knew how you could test her in return. It was a soft push and pull, like a dance to see who would be the first one to come out blank on the next move. Despite your lack of experience, you had always liked to play and dance. That was exactly how you could now see she was going to start retaliating soon.

Yennefer picked up a random book from the pile on your bed and started going through the pages. You sat down next to her again, keeping silent, and continued with your study work, glancing her way every so often to see how she had buried her face in the book, away from your view.

"I don't like Belleteyn," She mumbled into the pages, and you sensed the continuation of her sentence wasn't far away, "Because it was the day I was born." She revealed, and continued, leaving you no room to reply to her pathetic confession with questions or comfort, "And aside from the fact that my life's been shit ever since then, we also never celebrated."

"Your family didn't do something for you on your nameday?"

"My step-father's a pig farmer, he didn't want to spare a single coin on all that nameday fanfare."

"That's not a good enough reason," You frowned, slowly pulling the book down so you could see her, "My parents grow... grew," You swallowed, pushing the thoughts away for the sake of comforting your friend ", vegetables on our little patch of land to sell, but my father always made me a little figurine from wood on my nameday and my mother baked the most delicious-"

"I get it. You were loved. I wasn't."

"That's not what I-" You gaped at her, realising your mistake, "I'm sure your mother-"

"If she loved me, she wouldn't have let my step-father treat me the way he did. Nor look the other way whenever he treated me like the fucking cattle he sold." Yennefer scowled at you now, pleased it had shut you up. You had tried to comfort her, but you didn't know her past. She bit on her lip to keep it from quivering, not wanting to show her weakness.

"I'm sorry." Was all you could offer her.

Yennefer jumped when you squeezed her arm.

"I don't need your fucking pity. I just need you to never bring up Belleteyn again."

You bit the inside of your mouth, trying to school your features and mask the worry and the hurt you were feeling. Yennefer scooted away from you and your comfort. Again.

"Did I hear Belleteyn?" A voice drawled before a figure appeared in your doorway, cutting the moment short, though the tension still lingered. It was Celestia. The light-haired mage dawdled, warily eyed the broken door on the floor before turning back to the pair of you, "It is such a lovely holiday...if you celebrate the way it should be celebrated."

She saw the puzzlement on your faces, "You know...it's the beginning of summer... a harvest holiday, yes, surely," she rolled her eyes, "When really, it's the holiday to find new romances. To celebrate love, lust and fertility. Oh, did you not know? Have I ruined it now?"

Celestia grinned mockingly, "Of course, that's not how you celebrate where you boors are from, but it's how we do it in the cities."

Yennefer balled her fists, and you sat up straighter, eyes narrowed at her judgment. Sure, you hadn't lived in a city like Novigrad or Toussaint, but you'd loved your life in the countryside. It was simple, often tough and challenging, but you'd had freedom. You'd had nature all around you. And, most importantly, you'd had the comfort of your family. You didn't need fancy buildings, cobblestoned roads, market stalls and bards from all over to be satisfied.

"A couple of other mages and I are sneaking out into the city. I'd ask you two to tag along, but I'm not sure you have the guts to do so behind Tissaia's back."

"I do."

You pulled Yennefer back by her sleeve, "Don't." You hissed.

"On second thought...hm, I don't think I should." Celestia tutted, a smirk pulling at the corners of her lips, anticipating whatever she was going to say next, "I fear you'd get lost in such a city, you know, without any sense of direction. There'll be no heaps of manure to place where you are," She waved her rude comment off, "I jest. Truthfully, the reason I shouldn't is because you're way too young and innocent for such a festival filled with love and lust. Well, you are." Celestia nudged her chin your way, and as her eyes turned to Yennefer and clearly observed her deformities, it was unmistakable what she was insinuating— Belleteyn wasn't a place for girls with hunchbacks, crooked jaws and an uneven step, because there wouldn't even be a single person interested to lock lips with such a monstrosity.

"And you... well, I'm sure we'll find a willing donkey."

In an instant, Yennefer reeled forward with a growl. You sprung to pull her back immediately. Yennefer yelled and protested to be let go, but you tightened the grip of your arms around her middle, watching as Celestia disappeared into the hallway again after a final smirk and a wave. Yennefer struggled against your hold, cussing out both you and Celestia in the same breath.

You squeezed your eyes shut and pressed yourself against Yennefer's back, "She's not worth it, Yen."

Yen...

A name you had never called her before. No one ever had. Not even Istredd, who had stuck to calling her Yenna. She'd let him, because she didn't like the abbreviation of her name anyway and it was better than all the other names she was used to. But Yen... Yen was sacred to her. She didn't know why, but maybe it truly was because no one had ever called her that. It had only ever been crooked girl, piglet, lunatic, and all the other names she rather forgot about. It had never been just Yen.

Her chest heaved, still, but you felt her muscles relax. When you deemed it safe, you let Yennefer go. She pushed herself off you with a heavy force, almost sending you stumbling into the wall.

You held your hands up, sensing you hadn't yet pulled her out of it.

Yennefer stared at you in bewilderment and fury, her eyes swimming with emotion. She was ready to whirl out a plethora of horrible words and magic spells. And she was going to, hadn't she looked at the sincerity in your eyes. You seemed upset, but not so much at her, but at the fact she was upset, at the fact that someone could be so vile and hurt someone else. Yennefer's head reeled, thousands of thoughts and emotions all pierced through her at once. It was too much, too much for one person, and certainly too much to handle now. She stopped herself from making the upset frown on your face grow and stormed out of your room instead.

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

Hours later, you hoped that Yennefer had calmed down enough to let you check on her, but she didn't answer her door. Either she wasn't ready to let anyone in, or she was where every other mage currently was. It was a place you hadn't been in a while, with your small inconvenienced break from classes— the central hall during supper.

You weren't too keen on having a plethora of eyes locked on you, so instead, you peaked through the curtains of one of the alcoves, eyes scanning the many heads seated around the tables. You weren't ready to face the others yet, but you'd seen the pain in Yennefer's eyes when she had once again been hurt by one of your peers, and you'd felt uneasy ever since. Surely it was your own anger at the situation that made you jittery and itchy. It was starting to make you restless, and you hadn't even been the one at the brunt of Celestia's comment. So, if you wanted to quell your worries, you needed to find Yennefer. But there was no raven-haired mage sitting in the central hall. There were others with black hair, but none of them gave the familiar blue and green shimmer of Yennefer's mane whenever the light reflected just right.

She wasn't there, though you'd known that before even walking in. There was always a certain hum in the air when Yennefer was around. You'd noticed so during your many hours spent trying to tackle Tissaia's tasks in her office. It wasn't an annoying hum. More like a soft one in the background, ever-present but calming, like the waves lulling you to sleep every night.

You walked through the halls of Aretuza, in search of said hum, stopping on every corner to recalibrate your sense of direction. You knew Yennefer often disappeared, but where to, you had no inkling. Despite the gap between you two growing smaller and smaller each week, you figured you would grant her that space and privacy. Frankly, you didn't even want to know where she was when she disappeared. You wanted her to have her own place to unwind, a place where no one could disturb her and where she could be herself. That, and, you weren't so sure how she would take it if you were to find her sacred place.

Then you sensed it—  the hum. It was accompanied by a faraway buzzing you could feel in your ears and throat, and your feet listened to the way they got pulled left, right, up the stairs, outside and-

You stopped within an instant.

The wind made your hair fly in your face and your garments danced with every gust. It was a kind of wind that could be considered way too feisty for mid-April. It was cold too, despite the sun being out mere moments before. Its chill nipped and cut at your face with each blow, and it made the wooden bridge connecting the settlement of Aretuza to the Tower of the Gull in front of you wobble. The water, though far and far below you, crashed loudly against the shore. It smelt fresh, and yet it also smelt of a brooding storm—  dark, ominous and earthy.

Then there it was again—  the pull. You didn't want to let it guide you. And you shouldn't want to, not when it would lead you out of the safety of Aretuza. Yet, you knew you ought to. You needed to know. To indulge in the feeling even further. To dip your toes and then maybe your entire foot. To wrap yourself in its warmth.

Abruptly, an uncontrollable urge washed over you, engulfing you and making you take your steps forward. The rope of the bridge was tattered and rough as you held on when the wind made the bridge bounce through its breaths. None of that seemed to truly matter now, not when you could feel yourself closing in on something.

During a momentary relapse, a sense of realisation, you managed to look backwards. Panic struck you as you realised you had almost crossed the entire bridge already. No one was out there, not even one voice was screaming your name to get back in an instant. You knew you weren't supposed to wander through Aretuza on your own, even if it was your new home. Then again, they hadn't exactly locked doors or passageways to constrict you from going somewhere. And no one would miss you. You were in your room. Resting.

Your hands trembled as you reached out to the door of the tower. It was engraved with swirls that were meant to duplicate the whirls of wind and the waves below. The doorknob was that of a gull with its wings outstretched, its head and beak a means to open the door. Only, the door was already open. Slightly ajar, but open nonetheless.

For a second, you waited, ready for the inevitable spell that was protecting this place to force you back, but nothing happened. Your eyes wandered up to the tip of the colossal tower. It was even higher than Aretuza itself. You hadn't seen it up close yet, aside from the glances you'd taken through the window during some of your classes. The sound of the waves and the wind was deafening now that you were out on the open sea. It had numbed your ears to the sound of the familiar hum and buzz. So, you rushed inside, the wooden door behind you clattering shut in its hinges as the wind sucked it back out. The loud bang clattered against the walls of the space before you.

It was dark inside, aside from the occasional lit lantern. It was wet and draughty. Muddy, even. The smell reminded you of the riverbeds back home after a heavy rainstorm.

While your eyes adjusted to the limited light, you saw no fancy tiled floors or decorated walls. These halls were truly cut into the mountain. Maybe by magic, but perhaps by hand and shovel, going by the unevenness of it all. As you stood there, in near darkness, you realised your sense of direction had disappeared. The hum had evaporated into thin air the second the door had been slammed shut. You could only stand there now, letting unease start to creep in at the realisation of what you'd done and where you were. You were a mage, a student. You had no right to be in the Tower of the Gull, unsupervised and unannounced. Tissaia would be furious, if not see this as an act of defiance again.

Quick footsteps echoed across the halls, nearing... and fast. Was it coming from your right? Your left? Or from the dark hall in front of you? There was no hiding here. Still, you deemed it better to pick one, hoping the odds were in your favour. Then, the hum reappeared, and, without thinking, you hurried through the left lane. You didn't move about soundless, your feet stepping into puddles and on the pebbled floor beneath them.

The footsteps started to blend together with those of your own, your panicked breathing adding to the mix. Your shadows cast dancing figures on the muddy walls as you hurried through the cave-like hallway, until they started to dance with someone else's.

Shocked at the person suddenly dooming up in front of you, you reared back.

He let out a sound of surprise. When his initial fright had been subdued, he opened his mouth,

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" His tone was direct, demanding, yet curious all the same. However, he betrayed himself when you sensed his heartbeat thump in a way that could only mean he was afraid, too.

You couldn't see his features clearly in the dim lighting, but the fire from the lantern sparkled in his light eyes, his silhouette slender and poised.

"Did she send you?" He pressed when you kept silent, having been unsure of what to answer with. He grabbed the lantern from the wall and held it in front of your face, shining light on you to force you out of the dark. You squeezed your eyes shut, the light blinding you and making the person holding the lantern a vague and blurry figure.

"You're a mage." He noted, noticing your familiar wedgewood blue garments. Intrigue found his voice, before he announced resolutely, "You should go."

He lowered the lantern, and you could finally see the man. His face was as clean-shaven as a young boy before puberty, his eyes wise and kind, jovial even, but his clothes betrayed he was a Ban Ard student.

From behind him, the sound of rumbling and clattering could be heard. The young man looked over his shoulder, then back at you. Without another word, he rushed past you, head held down and steps as fast as how he had approached you. Clearly, he was eager to leave.

As the clattering commenced, you had almost made up your mind to follow his example and leave until you heard a growl. It was human. And it was filled with frustration and with pain. You recognised it— because it had come from Yennefer.

Your feet hurriedly led you towards the sound of destruction, and as the passageway neared its end, you stepped into a clearing. Rain clattered down through the opening in the middle of the rocky ceiling. Fires were lit here and there, dusty scrolls were scattered on a table dug out from the mountain.

Finally, after all this searching, there she was— Yennefer, with clenched fists, heaving breath and a wild look in her eyes. She looked enraged, but you knew it was only the reflection of her pain. A strangled sound came out of her throat before she let herself slide onto the ground.

You stood there, wondering if it was morally improper to turn your back on the young woman now. She had been there for you during your lowest moment not that long ago, and though, sure, she'd only awkwardly sat there with you, she had been there, doing her best.

Slowly, you approached, hoping she would hear you so that you didn't have to make the announcement yourself, but it seemed she was so caught up in her emotions that you had to put a hand on her shoulder to pull her out of it.

She flinched, turned around wide-eyed and crawled herself away from you across the floor. It was clear you'd been the last person she had expected there by the look in her eyes.

"Fuck off!" She spat, immediately shielding her face from your view as she fixed herself, covering it with a curtain of her raven locks of hair.

"I was looking for you," You stated, calmly, in a similar way to how one never handled a hurt animal with an iron grip either.

"Oh," She huffed, taunting you, "Come to tell me they found a willing donkey?" She shot back, teary eyes full of fire as she fixed you with a steely glare.

"Yennefer," You approached, but she stood up.

You took a small step closer, and you were grateful that she remained in her place this time, "I came to look for you to see if you were all right."

"Why do you care?"

"I'm your friend, of course I care."

"Friend?" She puffed, "Am I so pathetic that you think I need a friend?"

Your face fell, "Everyone does. You're human, we all want to have someone in our corner...and you can't just go on and pretend nothing ever hurts you."

She snorted at your empathic approach. You could hear she had been crying, going by her stuffy nose, and you could see the faint shimmer of tears still on her face.

She withheld herself from commenting on your sincere words and kept herself busy by reorganising the stack of scrolls, "How did you know I was here?" She quirked a brow, sneaking a glance your way. Only she and Istredd knew to meet each other there. Well, and Tissaia, however she had found out. That woman seemed to know everything.

"I don't know. I had a... feeling?" Sounding unsure yourself, you stepped to stand beside her, watching Yennefer's nimble fingers shake as they tied a string around one of the scrolls.

"You found me. Go now."

"Yen..."

"My name is Yennefer." She wiped the snot and spit off her face with her sleeve.

You gently pulled the scroll out of her hands, which were ice cold from having been in this damp cave for too long.

"Go!" She shouted upon the contact, rearing back like she'd burned herself from your touch, "And it would do you good to leave me alone unless you want to forever be associated with me." She spat through gritted teeth, pushing you away with her words. Still, she let you take another step closer. Step after step, you had managed to stand in her aura. And not even just now, you realised, but throughout the past few weeks, too.

Yennefer snarled when she came to the same realisation, but then her expression softened. She had seen your face change at her words, and she hated how she was hurting you. Having to let you down was adding to her pain, but she knew no other way, "I don't want to be your friend, and especially not because you pity me. Leave."

"That's not how I see you, why would I pity you?"

You'd made your mind up— you were not letting her send you away.

Yennefer growled at your refusal to leave her be and slammed her hands onto the table, "You're fucking insufferable!"

"And you're a delight?! You're acting like a child right now, you know that?" You crossed your arms and glared at her, having enough of her aiming that your genuine attempt to check up on her was but a mere trick. Then, your features softened when realisation dawned on you... people probably had tricked her. Often. Perhaps even all the time— masking their tricks as good deeds and promised friendships only to then laugh in her face at her pathetic faith that they were genuine about her.

"Yennefer," You began, hoping you could coax her to look at you, but she wasn't having it, "What she said was wrong. What they all say is wrong. How they have treated you your entire life is wrong. How they can't seem to give you a chance is immoral. But you are also wrong. Right now. You are." You gave a nod of finality, wholeheartedly keeping to your words.

Yennefer's gaze finally darted towards you. She was frustrated with you, yes, but she couldn't deny and say she wasn't a little intrigued as well. She kept quiet to hear you out.

"Because I'm not here to make fun of you later. I came here as a friend. Because... you are my friend, and quite honestly... my only one." Her face remained stoic at your genuine revelation, so you added, "And I don't like how they treat you any more than you do, but if you push me away too, you'll be your own worst enemy... for cutting off kindness when it's there for you to take."

She didn't react, though you could sense the cogs in her head turning.

"So don't lash out at me because of how they made you feel. I'm here because I'm on your side. You treating me this way... pushing me out when I'm trying to be your friend...makes me feel like you think of me and them as one and the same. That hurts."

Yennefer adjusted her stance, having had her entire posture tense up. It was starting to hurt her. She licked her lips, relaxed her jaw and stared into your eyes, albeit a little dumbfounded at your words. She bit the inside of her mouth as she stared at you still, long and hard, hoping she would catch your features betraying your statement. Seconds passed... but she couldn't find the fault in your expression. You were right— you were on her side, and perhaps you'd always been. You weren't like the others.

"You're sincere." She declared timidly after having read your eyes. She stumbled back a bit at the sheer force of realisation.

"I am," You nodded, voice curt and serious to show her you meant it, "So let's clean this mess up, go back and... and to hell with them."

Yennefer wiped at her face again, her cheeks burning from the dried tears and the rubbing, "They'll come for you. They already do. Behind your back."

"So?"

"So?" Yennefer chuckled bitterly, "You want more of that? Because that's what you'll get when you turn your back on them instead of on me."

"So?"

"Is that all the vocabulary you have? Are you short of a fucking marble?"

"Yennefer." You warned, eyes stern and arms folded. "Olive branch." You reminded her.

She assessed you for a moment, violet eyes meeting yours, giving you one last opportunity to opt-out. Maybe, just maybe, it would do her good to accept your act of kindness. If not now, then when?

Afraid this would otherwise be the last time you'd grant her some kindness, she extended her hand, the most careful smile appearing on her face when you accepted it and shook it with a small smile of your own.

She'd never had a friend before. How to maintain such a bond was unfamiliar, an ability she did not have. But she could learn. Perhaps she could really do this. Try this out. After all, she'd always longed to have a friend. A real one, who saw past her exterior and treated her for how she was on the inside. And, perhaps, this could finally be the start of something good in her life.

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

The class watched with bated breath as a shimmering, translucent circle appeared out of Tissaia's outstretched hands before it took form and whirled into a giant, buzzing hoop. This week had been difficult, as you had been thrown back into classes. The nose stares and prying questions with which your fellow novices had bombarded you been difficult, but what you were seeing right in front of you made it all worth it.

"This is a transportation portal, meant to transport you from one place to the other, as the name suggests. How is this possible, you ask?"

"Energy," Yennefer muttered from right beside you, eyes meeting yours as you glanced her way.

Tissaia turned to her, too, "Very well," She dipped her head in acknowledgement, "Energy. This portal is made from Chaos, which uses the energy of the Continent to find its shape. Energy is everywhere around us, in everything we touch, wherever we stand, therefore it is possible to travel between portals, wherever and whenever. It can be seen as a tiny conjunction in our time and universe, enabling teleportation through this magical rift."

Tissaia walked around her now bubbling and buzzing portal, her figure appearing wobbly and deformed through the thin sheen of the hoop on the other side, "A mage must know exactly where they would like the other end of the portal to exist, or they will face catastrophic consequences. They must have been there before or at least be able to see clearly where the portal will spawn, should they want to avoid losing their limbs or sanity."

"Can anyone travel through a portal?" You'd spoken before you'd realised Tissaia was about to speak again. You had cut her off, but she didn't seem to mind. She appeared from behind her portal, raising her brow at your eagerness, "I meant... is it possible for non-mages to travel through a mage-made portal?"

"Yes." Tissaia nodded, "It is. It is one of the things a mage serving at court is required to do, should the need arise to take members of their court and other important individuals to safety."

"And do they have to know the place where it will spawn? Or is only the mage at risk in such a situation?" You asked again, intriguedly taking in the shine and shimmer of the portal, missing the small smile Tissaia had on her face at your interest.

"They do not. However, they can experience nausea and vertigo. As can the mage, when the portal was created in a haste, or not in the utmost focus. It usually wears off like nausea normally does."

"So how do we make one without losing a limb?" Yennefer asked from beside you, her hand brushing against yours. You looked up at her at the sudden contact, but she didn't look back.

"If only you'd shown this eagerness during botany," Tissaia spoke, bemused, and not even close to the berating tone she usually would have sported. In fact, she seemed completely at ease.

You looked around at what was left of your class. A lot of girls had vanished in the weeks you'd been gone, and though curious, you had been too sceptical to ask where they'd gone. You weren't sure if the answer would comfort you, if Tissaia would even grant you one. Had they, perhaps, made deals upon their arrival at Aretuza too? Had they broken the deal? Was that why they'd gone? Was that what would happen to you if you broke your deal? It seemed that, with their departure, Tissaia's constant sour and cold moods had scattered slightly as well. It was strange, to see her without the expected strict pout and frown on her face, and you worried about what had caused that drastic change.

Tissaia resumed, "So long as you don't forget that botany can save your life as much as a quick getaway portal can. Because a portal is temporary. Chaos leaves energy behind. It can be traced by those powerful enough to do so. Like a hound finding its way home through scents, so can a mage when they know your energy."

"So it's not even foolproof? What kind of shit magic is that?" Yennefer huffed, her hand falling to her side. Once more, your hand brushed against hers, leaving your skin tickling from the surprise contact.

"The portal is foolproof, it can't be tracked... your energy can." Tissaia folded her hands across her stomach and glanced your way for a split second. You knew what she was referring to, "You can cloak your energy the same way you can cloak your thoughts to keep yourself safe."

"How do we do that?" Fringilla asked, and Sabrina perked up as well.

"All in due time," Tissaia let out a breathy chuckle at the intrigue and eagerness displayed on all of your faces. She was grateful and relieved, for she finally had a group of gifted girls she could mend and shape into fine mages. To help guide them and be proud of them years down the line, long after they'd all ascended.

"I can sense your Chaos hasn't replenished enough after the thought-cloacking lesson earlier, so we will get to this next week."

Fringilla and Sabrina sighed and groaned, gathering their stuff before leaving the room with the others, but Yennefer had plans to stick around. She glanced at you over her shoulder and walked close to the portal that was still buzzing, beckoning her forward. She narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out what she was seeing on the other side when Tissaia clapped her hands and the portal got swept away by an invisible gust of wind.

"Lesson one—  never step into a portal of which you don't know who made it, or where it leads to, for they can be used as traps too."

Tissaia stopped organising her belongings when she realised the two of you were still hovering around.

"Go, enjoy your time off," She instructed, not unkindly.

Yennefer gave you a look but you furrowed your brows in response, unsure of what she was trying to get you to understand. When you remained in your place, she sighed and opened her mouth,

"I was wondering..." She began, testing the waters with Tissaia, "I portalled here. As my conduit moment... but I'd never been here before. How was that possible?"

You raised your brows at her confession. It was apparent that you weren't the only mage who held more power than she was revealing, even if it was locked behind an emotionally unsteady wall of Chaos.

Tissaia tilted her head, examining Yennefer who was looking up at her with an expectant gaze.

"That is how you found me, is it not? Because you traced my energy. But you couldn't have known my energy because you didn't know me." Yennefer nibbled her lip before straightening her back as much as she could, "So your theory is false."

"What I would have told you in next week's class, is that portals made in magical places, always leave a trace, for you are tainting and disrupting that place with a magic of your own, a magic that contrasts with the magic already there. You transported to the Tower of the Gull, the most magical place in all of Aretuza, and you did so spluttering and stumbling like a tod learning their first steps."

Yennefer's face fell. The one-up she thought she'd had over Tissaia falling apart like a house of cards.

"But creating a portal as your conduit moment is as remarkable as creating a fire for your conduit, so do not forget your worth."

Tissaia looked at the both of you now, sensing the panic in you taking over.

"But that's not even possible," Confusion transformed Yennefer's face. She knew how scarce harbouring the skill of fire was among mages, let alone undiscovered ones. She watched the small smile on Tissaia's face as your rectoress looked between the two of you.

"Go, take your rest, Yennefer."

Yennefer could have protested but, in reality, she had peace with this. At least for now. And that had all to do with how her rectoress had stopped calling her by her degrading nickname, which had always reminded her of how she'd been treated back home. So, maybe, she shouldn't expect all of her problems to disappear all at once.

You were about to turn around to leave when Tissaia spoke again, "Y/N, you should stay."

"Why?"

Sounded from behind you, where Yennefer had already crossed half the classroom back to hover beside you again, the intrigue now replaced by something harsher. She hadn't forgotten how she'd found you in your heap of sorrow, and how Tissaia's name had been all she'd been able to make out from your mutters.

"Has your name changed to Y/N overnight?" Tissaia inquired, head tilted to the side, the same bite back to her tone.

Tissaia glanced at the two of you. She could sense it, feel it bubbling beneath the surface, despite your depleted Chaos. This wasn't good, the co-dependency. She'd noticed it more often now, the hovering around one another, the glances, the attachment, how your Chaos performed better in the proximity of the other. She faulted herself for never having noticed it sooner, though she blamed the gradual ascent of your bond and how it had slowly happened over time. This was not good, indeed. This wasn't the beginning of two powerful mages if you couldn't be independent. Your Chaos reacted to one another, most often a powerful tool when highly needed, but not when trying to control one's individual Chaos. Though perhaps she had been to blame herself, for putting the two of you together in the first place to kill two birds with one stone and get you both in line.

Now, she realised, it could very well start to stand between reaching both your potential. It was known to her that Yennefer and you had trouble handling the extremes of your emotions, such had been visible during moments of great frustration or sorrow, just like what had happened to your room the first week. When a mage is out of control of their emotions, they can't hone their Chaos the way they should. She needed to thread carefully now. But first, Tissaia knew, there were apologies to be made.

"Yennefer." Tissaia gestured towards the door, then paid her no further mind as she motioned for you to come closer.

Yennefer refused to leave until you whispered it was okay. Then still, she left unsurely, looking one last time into the room before closing the door.

Tissaia leaned against her desk, whispering a muffling smell as she was certain the raven-haired mage was listening on the other side.

"I owe you an apology."

You swallowed, knowing what she was talking about right away, but not keen on the situation being brought up again.

"I pushed you over the edge and crossed your boundaries. I wanted too much too soon from you after sensing your potential. For that, I apologise," She watched you, analysing your expression as she continued, "It was wrong of me to jeopardise your well-being and it was unfair to request your full discretion and cooperation when I was making that very thing harder by my doing. I have been pulling at both your arms at the same time, keeping you locked in place by doing so."

She walked over to you and gently pried your arms from your side to hold them.

"This Chaos inside of you, this power- it is one of your greatest strengths, but do not forget that it also makes it your greatest weakness. That is why I pushed you to heal, to accept and to move on, so that you could be in full control over your Chaos. The quicker that happens, the sooner we can start. I realise now that time will come regardless, and not because of my prodding. Perhaps especially not because of my prodding." Her hands moved down to hold yours and she squeezed them, "You will go places, my dear girl, I can see it as clearly as I can feel it... if you make your Chaos your biggest ally... but that can only happen once you've fully healed."

"How?"

"You have all the time in the world now, you'll figure it out."

"These wounds... I don't think they'll ever not hurt." Your lip trembled, remembering what had happened- what you had done, "I feel different...ever since that time."

"Different how?"

"Like a different version of myself. The old me is still here but... the new one's more prominent."

"Does that feel like a good or a bad thing?" Tissaia stared right into your eyes. You felt a pulling sensation between your brows.

"I don't know."

"Let me put it this way— which version would you choose right now? Which version would you let lead? The version that knew nothing of Chaos, or the version that does?"

Your answer filled you with shame, for the version that knew of Chaos, was the version that had unwillingly made you do unspeakable things, but the truth wanted to finally come to light.

"Both."

Tissaia grinned softly, "That's the life of a mage—  finding the balance in everything. Balance will keep you in control, it won't have you tip the scales to one side." She sighed, feeling sentimental, "Hold onto the old version of yourself, so long as you keep that close, you'll never feel truly lost."

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗽𝘆, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵, 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗽𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝘀. 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿’𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 <3

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28 - The witch hunt begins

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[jenctrl]

27 - Balance

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[jenctrl]

26 - Guilt and Relief

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[jenctrl]

25.5 - In my bed (What about me?)

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[jenctrl]

25 - Suki desu

warning; bullying, crippling anxiety (again), childhood trauma/ wc; 3.3k

A man who yelled, a man who destroyed everything, a man who turned beauty into something unrecognisable, who had no sense of self-awareness, who forgot to consider how his actions could affect the people who were supposed to be the closest to him. Those same people who were the furthest away from him now.

Y/n still hated her mother, the eight-year-old despised the woman for taking her away from her father with two horns who set their house ablaze. The girl’s home was burning down to the ground, Y/n didn’t have a home, her father set it on fire, but her mother was the one who took her away from it. 

She took her far enough, and Y/n found herself in Osaka, Japan, and instantly brewed hatred for the new place. She missed her father, she missed her burning home because even if they left, Y/n’s world was still on fire. Nowhere was safe, so why take her somewhere foreign? 

The girl balled up her fists, clutching the sweater of her uniform. She brought one fist up and sniffled as she rubbed away the few tears in her eyes.

She didn’t want to go any further. Everything was falling apart, and she was terrified that if she took a step, she would fall and end up under all those ruins, too. Her heart was pounding. The language was foreign (although she knew it), the people were foreign, and the country wasn’t home, nor was the apartment where she stayed with her mother. Y/n’s mother didn’t feel like home anymore.

It was cold. Y/n always found the tips of her fingers tingling from how cold they felt, there was always an ache in her throat, and her body felt sticky from how much it longed for an embrace. No one saw her though, the eight-year-old girl felt even more invincible now, those few people who had seen her were all gone. Her mother wasn’t the same, her father, despite his coldness was still a man whose embrace she longed for, he was and always would be her father. She hated both of them but loved them even more. 

All Y/n could do was find faults in her mother and cling to her absent father because her mother took her away from him. 

Another sniffle followed and the ache in her throat made it hard to hold back. She had always been crying, from her first day at preschool to her first day at elementary school to what would now be her first day at 4th grade. Y/n had always cried whenever she had to be away from her parents. She hated leaving their side, now however, she didn’t see her father and barely experienced her mother’s touch. She had lost her comfort, no matter how much she always wanted to get away from them, she always carved their love and the security of their comfort more. Who would love her if not them?

The little girl was blue, deprived of all the oxygen she needed, she was being starved.

It had been two months, and the second she stopped crying in class they moved the girl up a year. She didn’t want to, but her mother did what she wanted and not what Y/n wanted because if Y/n got what she wanted she would be back home in Seoul with her cold (yet somehow warm) father and a mother who wasn’t cold as ice. 

She felt odd, and she felt how they glanced her way. Y/n longed, but no one seemed to understand that all she wanted and needed was comfort as she was seated at the back of the class. No one seemed to notice the blue hue on her skin, the trembling in her body, or the fear of returning to a home even emptier than it was now, without a father or mother. How did she let them know that she was terrified of staying away from her parents, fearing they would leave her? 

It was her first day with, who used to be her upperclassmen, new classmates and she had been feeling sick the whole day. The girl didn’t dare to move once the teacher left and everyone was getting up to mess around or to eat with friends.

Y/n had no clue how to make friends, approach someone, talk to someone, or simply say that she wanted to be included. She didn’t know how to stop feeling lonely or alone and stop longing as she watched everyone else have what she always had wanted; the other kids make friends, the kids with their parents, the way the girls would get carried by their fathers and hugged by their mothers. Something heavy would always be on her chest when she watched the rest from outside. How did she get in? How did she get loved?

It had been the same at home, but today it gave her an even bigger reason to cry. Both her balled-up fists pressed against her eyes, her jaw clenched to block out the noise as it started to buzz like a static TV in her head instead. Her sniffles were either drowned out or grew louder, but it wasn’t anything she was aware of. 

Y/n was far from aware of the commotion around her, the stares, the mocking, the laughing, the pity, everything but what she needed. Nothing to suffice the yearning within her. 

That was until a paper pressed against her elbow, making her peek out from behind her wet fists. She only looked at the paper, not daring to look up at the person, her breaths shuddered as she read the words ‘Crybaby’, she could only wipe away her tears as she continued to look down, seeing more feet approach her, surrounding her desk. Y/n continued to stare as they took turns writing words on the paper, letting her tears stain her cheeks and drop down to the desk whenever she didn’t wipe them.

‘Mummy’s girl’

‘Baby’

‘Big baby’

‘Pushover’

‘Scaredy-cat’

‘Dummy’

Her shoulders shook, and her whole body did with each hiccup. She was always too scared to do anything to protect herself, to stand up for herself. Y/n would protect anyone. She always stood up for the few friends she had made back home but didn’t know how to protect her heart. Her eyes kept looking at the paper that passed around, watching the multiple times her name was written, but misspelled in Hangul each time. 

It suddenly got silent, the classroom was occupied by the eight-year-old girl’s snivels and whimpers as she kept wiping her eyes with shaky hands. The sleeves of her uniform were soaked, her nose runny, her eyes sore, and her lips trembled as she jutted her lower one. That anxious feeling Y/n had lived with all her life subsided for a second while the murmurs of her classmates barely reached her ears after what was written on the paper.

‘Suki’

Y/n looked up for the first time, sucking in her lower lip to stop the trembling as she bit down on it. Y/n’s dewy eyes which trembled found a pair that were half crescents from the smile, the girl’s face took on colour, getting shades of the sakura season during the early April month of when school would start as she looked back at Y/n. 

“You idiot,” “You’re no fun,” “Who cares about the crybaby?” “Stupid,” they murmured, pushing the girl around who instead of crying the way Y/n would do, laughed. It was odd, Y/n found her odd, watching her smile and scurry away and behind Y/n’s chair after getting hit on the head with the paper as the word she had written made everyone scatter, leaving the two alone. 

She sniffled another time and wiped away her tears, hoping it would be the last time because her eyes were starting to hurt. The material of her uniform was too rough for her soft skin and the tears too salty. 

“I don’t mind you being a crybaby,” her voice was joyous and welcoming. She sounded happy as if she didn’t mind being pushed around, called all those things that always made Y/n tear up, sensitive to any harsh or mocking tone or any negative word. 

Her hand landed on Y/n’s shoulder, squeezing it while walking to her side, bending down to look at the younger girl’s face. She tilted her head, looking up at Y/n who was still staring down, but now at the girl who smiled at her. 

Y/n’s deer-like eyes timidly watched her every movement, observing her as if waiting for her to do something bad when her hand reached into the pocket of her uniform blazer. The girl pulled out her hand and with it a pack of pocky as she stood up straight and put (slammed) them on Y/n’s desk, with the younger’s gaze following her. 

“Suki desu,” she spoke before scurrying away to her spot as the teacher arrived. 

She had been standing in the weather that was turning cold, it was 3:30 am by now and she couldn’t bring herself to sit still in the car. The girl had been jittery and she couldn’t tell if it was from excitement or fear after arriving at the spot that was, she assumed, close to where Kazuha lived. 

She had always feared something, but she couldn’t help but fear that maybe it wouldn’t be the same. What if it would all be different after four years of not seeing each other, of not talking, of terrifying silence that had left the girl’s head in a constant buzzing of doubts? Her hands dug deeper into her pockets, her fingertips tingling from how cold they were, the fear not subsiding. Y/n feared that she would be deprived of it again, that someone she loved would be cold, and that all she could do was yearn for their warmth like she had done all her childhood. What if she wouldn’t be loved again? Could love die?

What was she supposed to do if everything had changed between them after all these years? Would she have to leave just to keep the old image of what their friendship used to be? 

It was scary to think that perhaps she would end up with someone she should leave but never would be able to. She knew that she felt too much for the girl to let go of her if everything was different now if Kazuha was different. Y/n knew she wouldn’t leave her, she would always cling to what she used to know because there was hope for it to come back to normal, however, she couldn’t know if Kazuha would do the same. What if she would leave Y/n at the pit of that ocean to be deprived once again?

She blinked her eyes which were dry from the cold air (creating tears) that blew in her face, staring down at her feet as she leaned against her car, the hoodie didn’t keep her warm, nothing did, but there was a little comfort in it being Minji’s piece. It was also a reminder of her relationship with Minji and how that same fear was constantly following her, how even when she was in her girlfriend's arms, she couldn’t relax but instead fear and dread the moment she would leave wether for a day or permanently. 

Y/n’s fists clenched the material as her head raced, and so did her heart, it made her feel sick, it was overwhelming as she thought about so many things, but had no clue how to sort them out. She had no clue where to even start to fix anything. She was doing her best, she hoped Minji realised that she was, that she was willing to give up everything for her happiness just so Minji wouldn’t leave. All she wanted was to love Minji, to be there for her, and to simply be wanted by her. 

But she had always asked for too much, hadn’t she? The same way she would always be too much and suddenly the world started to crash around her because she was left alone with her thoughts for too long. At some point, Minji wouldn’t need or want her, she’d see her the same way everyone else did, and she’d see her as Kim Y/n. As long as she could see her happy, it was fine. She took a deep breath to stop the melancholy from consuming her, the tears were about to start welling in her eyes– 

“Suki, Suki, Suki~” The said girl’s heart raced, for a second it was because she got scared, the dolphin-like squeals of her name were followed by a body colliding into her with no caution whatsoever. 

There was a pause in Suki’s world that had started to crumble into ruins once again. It stopped, nothing was falling apart for a moment. It wasn’t that it stood still, what paused was everything bad, somehow turning into good as the failed home, those crumbling pieces were starting to get put back together like kintsugi. Something beautiful started to get created, something worth to be alive for. 

Suki had felt anxious most of her life, it stopped back in Osaka, then came back four years ago, but suddenly it disappeared again. She could feel her fingertips as they weren’t tingling or cold. It wasn’t that her other worries disappeared, they simply didn’t have a place in a space so safe and secure with love, with no fears.  

For the first time in a long time, Suki’s heart was beating in a way that reminded her of what love should feel like. It was beating with no traces of anxiety, no traces of fear about what would come next. She was able to relax in someone’s arms, not being scared of the same embrace that was comforting being the one that would squeeze too hard and leave her a mess like all the others did. 

No one had been able to rid her of that sick feeling, that sickness of being Y/n, but suddenly it felt like a bucket of warmth spilled over her cold body, taking her in an embrace that made her eyes sting because it was the warmth of a home she had longed for. The burden of being Y/n, of having to carry that person and her worries were gone and the name Suki hadn’t sounded so good from anyone else’s lips for years. 

Suki felt everything bad crumble around her, those mountains that were there to protect her, to prevent her from taking steps because she was scared of falling under ruins all disappeared as there were no ruins left. She could breathe without her throat hurting, she didn’t feel cold. 

Kazuha’s arms wrapped around her arms in a restrictive hug that instantly made her tear up and feel like a kid again. It felt like she got everything she had longed for back. It felt so overwhelmingly good that she couldn’t breathe and it broke her in a way that brought her relief, knowing that it was okay to cry in these arms, knowing these arms so well, the ones who had held her through the worst parts. She could let go. 

Suki did her best to remove her hands from her pockets and wrap her arms around Zuha’s waist, drowning in the home she had yearned for, the only one who could fulfil all that yearning the little girl in Suki still had. 

She had forgotten that one person could make her feel so many good things at once without needing to make her feel terrible at the same time, or after, someone who didn’t take it all away. She had forgotten completely that it was possible to just feel love, to just feel good, she had forgotten that there was someone who didn’t make her feel sick, someone who she didn’t make feel sick.

She closed her eyes, her face buried in Zuha’s shoulder whose face was pressed against the top of her head. Her hands balled up the material of the taller girl’s shirt as she took a deep breath before realising a long shaky one filled with tears before it cracked and she cried while being held on to, not needing to be the one who did all the holding.

Suki was used to crying, but she wasn’t used to tears of relief, love and happiness, that was all she could feel at the moment when Zuha, who was her home, held her, their bodies pressed close, the closest they had been in years, it made her chest burn in the best way possible. Their staggered breaths and snivels drowned out the busy city, the roaring of engines, the buzzing of the world moving, the wind blowing, and anyone else existing. 

They had been miles apart, oceans away, separated by land, they had been filled with a longing that planted itself and grew a hole in them, but Suki could feel her heart beating in a way that healed that hole as, despite everything, they were in each other’s arms. Somewhere in those voids of lost hope, they managed to hold onto threads of what they used to have which was enough to still believe that nothing could get in the way of finding back home. 

It had been a while since she felt relief after stepping past a door to a supposed home. 

Soon it was followed by a snort and Suki’s cries broke as a tearful giggle escaped her lips, pressing her face into Zuha’s shoulder and sighing. “You’re so stupid for crying, Suki” “I hate you, Zuha,” the older girl pulled back and Suki sniffled as she looked up at Zuha who held onto her shoulders with a smile and tears brimming her eyes. “I don’t mind you crying though,” she mumbled and it prickled in her stomach at those words. 

Suki’s eyes watered more as she looked Zuha in the eye, it spread through her chest like a beautiful garden of flowers at the love she felt, she had always felt the safest looking into those eyes. It painfully grew throughout her body, the thorns gripping her heart, tying themselves around her limbs and constricting her lungs until it all snapped and sprouted gentle petals inside her instead, coming with a relief of being free; it was how Zuha had managed to make her feel.

Free of everything that had been killing her from the inside. 

“Are you wearing a flannel?” Suki questioned, smiling through the overwhelmingly good tears as she tugged onto the flannel Zuha was wearing. The same old smile Suki was so familiar with on her lips, those safe eyes crescent moons. Zuha was still the same girl she met when they were kids and grew up with as she hummed, proudly nodding her head, her dark hair gently moving whenever the wind blew, drying the tears that had fallen. The cold night made the warm moment more memorable. 

“God, you’re such a lesbian,” Zuha’s hands dropped at those words and gripped onto Y/n’s, squeezing them, as if trying to feel if this was real or a daydream. “And you still cosplay a straight girl,” Kazuha laughed while Suki could never bother trying to get rid of her smile as she freed her hand and delivered a jab to the latter's stomach who hugged her once again after. She could feel Zuha relax as she hugged her, heaving a breath that let out all the heavy burdens and fears, everything difficult seemed to leave. 

They didn’t have to say more, they didn’t need any reassurance to know that nothing had changed between them after all these years.

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a/n; idk i felt like this chapter was lowkey mid but also not so yeah.

taglist! - @yxlis @pandafuriosa60 @sixflame438 @drvirgus @baelabong @idkwhatim-doinghere101 @dollydigital @yncoreee @multiliker @yoontoonwhs @dreamingst99 @1luvkarina @arihiu @gtfoiydlyj @celestialsequels @starstruckgoateepuppy @yeetaberry127 @kimminjiissosjdirbidnsjje @onlyhyunjin @awkwardtoafault @jisooftme @phamianaz @luvvhaerin @jennasluma @justdelulumeh @mianiz @he------len @ryujinshotsexywife @sol3chu

[yxlis]

WDYM IT WAS MID?? IT WAS GREAT 😡

[yxlis]

knock knock

.. who’s there?

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cow says 🤭

[yxlis]

Cow says who?

[yxlis]

knock knock

.. who’s there?

[yxlis]

guess what

No

[jenctrl]

24 - Losing it (real time)

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[jenctrl]

23.5 - They before me

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[jenctrl]

23 - Left out

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[jenctrl]

22 - Indeed not a joke

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