i couldnโt save her backย | zadison
! MAJOR SPOILS FROM 8x09 !
TW// mentions of sexual assault & self harm.
itโs my first oneshot on here and itโs shitty so bare with it i guess.
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โ i saw them. but i couldnโt feel them. i couldnโt feel their souls. there was nothing. i couldnโt bring them back, why couldnโt i bring them back? cordelia was yelling in pain.
everything was so dull yet the room was plunged into a deadly silence. everything was jostling in my head. the images were scrolling. i wanted to cry and scream. screaming my rage. but i remained there, planted like a picket in front of cordelia, who was slowly finding her breath after that dangerous descent into the underworld.
โย oh shit. i whispered.
i was feeling as if something had got stuck in my throat. i had trouble talking. i was remembering a specific memory.
โ when we went to the house where michael was born, we found out he could do this... thing. after he kills someone, he can erase their soul, he can like burn their souls so there's nothing left. they do not go anywhere, they're not ghosts. they're just... gone.
she rushed towards me and she slapped me in the face. i wasnโt even thinking about pain. i realized it was over and we couldnโt do anything. they were dead. zoe was dead. everything seemed vague around me. myrtle tried to calm the supreme down. mallory did too. i looked around me, i realized i was all alone.
what did she expect? he was the antichrist. either way, we all knew we would end up dead.ย he was stronger than all of us, he was the dark force and an alpha at the same time, but with the force of a supreme.
โ iโll do something, okay? i- i will fix this, and i will bring them back. i said, and my voice cracked.
i ran out of mistyโs hut and i ended up finding myself in this dark woods. i was still running in the cold night. the branches of the trees were hurting my bare legs now covered in blood. but i couldnโt feel pain. my non-shod feet were numb, the more i walked on sharp pebbles. i finally collapsed. my throat was burning and i started to pour my hot tears on my frail and tired face from these endless sleepless nights due to the constant stress of our battle against michael. he had won. our allies were dead. the only person who cared about me a minimum was no longer there. and it was a even worse feeling to know that her soul was gone, destroyed, into the void. it was as if she had never existed. memories seemed distant, so far away. when i was raped, she was the only one who was there for me. while the others didnโt want to see the marks on my body, she saw them. she told me that everything would be okay.
she took my arm gently and ran her thin fingers over my wrist. her touch made me feel home.
i tried to avoid her gaze. prideful, i didnโt want to cry in front of her.
โ i cut myself with a knife when i was cooking, the other day. nothing so extravagant. i said, almost in an arrogant tone. thatโs madison culture.
โ madison, you never cook. at the first opportunity, you take some mcdo or any other fast-food.
she put her cold hand on my cheek and slowly raised my face.
โย i already told you that everything was fine.
i pulled my arm off her grip. i got up drastically from the bed where we were both sitting.
โย talk to me, ok?ย she raised her voice and i crossed my arms. i know it affects you a lot and you canโt deny it.
โย are you talking about what happened at the party? you are so innocent, benson. it's not that. it's been three months already, why would it affect me today? and iโm doing fine, fuck, i donโt need a therapist. go see kyle a bit and entertain him, he always needs to have your whole attention anyway.
i walked to my closet and took some clean clothes.
โ iโll take a fucking bath. will you also follow me to see if iโm trying to kill myself by drowning in the bathtub?
she didnโt add anything. i headed for the bathroom and closed the door behind me.
the water ran down my naked and wounded body. i was ashamed to be naked like that, even if i was alone in the bathroom. i was ashamed of who i became. i was seeing their faces, i was hearing them, feeling their gross hands all over my body. my breathing increased and my heart was throbbing. i had a heart murmur, so it was extremely painful, especially when i was crying.
after about fifteen minutes i heard faint knocks on the door.
โ madison, are you all right?
my eyes half closed, no longer having the strength to cry, the soapy water turned cold, i answered weakly.
โ yes. everything is fine.
she went in anyway. although i was a little covered by the murky water, i didnโt take the time to hide myself around her anymore. i was remembering all those nights where we were just messing around in our bed at unholy hours, our two naked bodies dancing together. those nights that meant nothing but the fact that we were alone. it made me forget all the pain that i tried to hide deep within me. for too long. and then, kyle sometimes came back in zoeโs life, and she could forget me for a few weeks, a hole deepening more and more between our two souls.
i looked at her and saw her red and puffy eyes. her long brown hair hid her troubled and frightened face. she rubbed her hands. i started to cry.
โ i donโt even have the strength to wash myself. i am so fucking useless.ย i said, sobbing.
she approached while undressing, remaining in underwear. i rubbed my face with my shriveled hands. she came to join me and i left her a small place and she settled down.
โ we'll start with your back, okay?
i shook my head, as if all this was no big deal.
โ iโm not going anywhere, okay? iโm right here with you. she said, sponging gently on my back.
she said it. she wouldnโt go anywhere. she was nowhere. nowhere near me. nowhere to tell me that everything will be fine. nowhere to give me the strength to fight for this coven, as she has always done so well herself.
but it didnโt matter anymore, the coven collapsed little by little and i was wrongly accused of everything that happened. i was accused of the death of my sisters and the girl i fell in love with.
it wasnโtย fair. i should have died again, not her. all i always brought was bitchiness and chaos. people hated me.
i couldnโt feel her. i couldnโt feel her soul either. she did save me but i couldnโt save her back.
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