name: zahra javadi
age: 41
gender: cis female, she/her
location: downtown
job: features editor of he peak times
always rising from the ashes mending all her gashes
Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse/gaslighting, slight mention of drug abuse
As a child, Zahra was a force to be reckoned with. Between her boundless curiosity and endless optimism, there was nothing that ever seemed like a bad idea to her. What was the worst that could happen? And as if the universe agreed, everything usually worked out in her favor. Even if it often stressed out her mother, who was working several jobs to provide for her and her younger sister, the trouble Zahra got in never crossed any serious lines. There was plenty of detention - but then, all cool kids were in detention, mom - but that was the worst of it.
Given all of this, it was no wonder that Zahra had big dreams, too. While the details changed (Would she be a singer? An actress? A famous snake charmer travelling the world to rescue it from the many snake-related problems she was sure they were having?) the gist was always the same: she wanted to go out there on her big adventure. So when graduation came around, she was eager to make her fantasies a reality. At this time, she had at least narrowed her myriad of passions down to two she had fallen in love with most - acting and writing. Having been part of both the drama club and school newspaper for a number of years, she could imagine her future equally well in front of a camera or travelling the world to write about all its secrets.
So naturally, she went to LA. Anyone who wanted to be someone went there, after all, right? And sure, it was a difficult place but the weather was nice and so were most people and it certainly was an adventure so Zahra wasn’t discouraged even when she failed to land any meaningful auditions or writing jobs. She floated by on an assortment of freelance, cleaning and coffee shop jobs and eventually paid for a few acting classes in community college as well. It was around that time that she met Christopher. He worked in finance and had an air of sophistication around him that she’d never really been drawn to. He was older than her too, but somehow, that only made it more exciting.
What started out as an affair snowballed into a more serious relationship. Zahra hadn’t seen herself settle down so quickly but Christopher was perfect, so why not? And it really was, in the beginning - perfect. Christopher was the perfect gentleman, a bit old school but in a charming way. He took her on fancy dates and helped her pay her bills when money was tight. And he didn’t magically change after the wedding, as is so often the case in stories like this. He still supported her, still held all the doors open and brought home flowers. He did suggest she shift her focus from acting to writing, though. The market was so saturated and it was so hard to break into the industry. And anyway, she was better than that, wasn’t she? He even paid for her to get her journalism degree from USC.
But there were small things. Of course she could go out with her friends but when had they last spent the evening together? He missed her, after working all day. That dress was lovely, sure, but wasn’t it a bit short? Wouldn’t she be sending the wrong messages? She dismissed those things - of course they should be spending time together and maybe he had a point about the dresses. Besides, he was just a bit old fashioned sometimes. But it was a slippery slope. He supported her work, naturally, but there were plenty of freelance jobs she could do from the comfort of their home. That was much easier. Or really, she didn’t have to work at all - he was making more than enough for the both of them. Then she could just relax all day, enjoy the weather, maybe cook some dinner before he got home. Something healthy, perhaps, neither of them was getting younger and they had to watch their figure. Plus, when they had kids, she couldn’t work as much anymore anyway.
When she’d been younger, Zahra had been the first to raise her voice when she felt disrespected. Her dreams hadn’t fit into most rooms she’d walked into but over the years, she found herself shrinking in both the literal and metaphorical sense. She rarely saw her friends or family anymore, having isolated herself for so many years that most had stopped trying. In fact, she rarely left their spacious home anymore, all the adventures she meant to go on seemingly forgotten. When she couldn’t sleep, she’d pop a few of the pills that seemed to magically refill in the bathroom. Sometimes, she took them during the day too, when a feeling of claustrophobia would make her skin crawl. It wasn’t until she was in her mid 30s that she really registered what had happened. They’d been trying for a baby for a while and it wasn’t happening, there’d been talk of going beyond just the natural way to conceive. But on that day, her period had been so late and as she sat in the bathroom with the pregnancy test, her life flashed before her eyes. Her, tied to Christopher forever in this boring house in a city she’d barely explored. Sticking to his gym schedule and having her brunch outings approved by him. She had never even wanted children but there had never even been a discussion.
The test was negative and Zahra packed her things that night. At first, she stayed in a hotel but it quickly became apparent that Christopher wasn’t the kind to let her go easily. There were phone-calls, e-mails, even a few visits in her hotel even though she never told him where she was. The tone turned from pleading to demanding to aggressive. What would she do without him? Everything she had was because of him. And he was right but Zahra wasn’t so sure she wanted any of that anymore. So she took what little money she had saved and left not only him but the country. She backpacked around the world she had almost forgotten about, earning her keep wherever she stayed and trying to remind herself of who she was. It was a slow process but eventually, the old enthusiasm began poking through again. Somewhere in that time, Christopher seemed to grow tired of trying to track her down and finally signed the divorce papers.
It were another few years before Zahra returned home. She’d wasted so much of her time, she felt she had to make up for all the lost years. For a while, she settled in New York, eager to keep a bustling city around her where there was always something to explore. She got a job at an online newspaper and took part in a few very, very off-broadway shows in what little free time she could find. This is what she’d imagined her life to be like when she was a teenager - chasing a good story, a fire in her heart. For all the shit she’d been through, it had at least given her that - a passion to do everything she’d dreamed of and a drive to tell the right story. But there was still a part of her that felt like she was always acting. Like she was just playing the part of the strong, badass woman living her truth.
So eventually, she decided she needed to go back to her roots. For months, she kept an eye on the job listings in her hometown and when finally, a position as an editor at the local newspaper opened up, she immediately applied. Moving back home had never been the plan but perhaps immersing herself in the place that had given birth to all those dreams she used to have would make her feel like herself again. So for the past year, she’d been walking those all too familiar streets again. Sometimes, it’s still weird - but she does feel like the spirit of her teenage-rebel self is slowly returning to her.
