do as I say, feel as I feed you
Random revelations have come to light recently. I could not say I welcome them, nor I wish I never had them. Funny thing is the patterns aren't new. I've been there, sunk before, get back up before I find another huge familiar hole.
Have you ever feel bad after sharing things with your friends? Doubting they would not keep them as government top nuclear secret? Mom once said, it's no longer a secret once it escapes our own mouth. She's obviously painfully knows what she's saying. It's just that, I thought only by sharing, then, friends can, and may bond closer and the ties are warmer as we do not set any awkward boundary. By updating them what's going on currently in our lives, while they're away from the circle is actually among the things that you talk about. But I was wrong. The bonding I thought I was performing is actually dangerous data of my own vulnerability while threatening my own good name. Yet, I definitely prefer this than TALKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE who are actually your friends outside that setting.
I find most girls to be needy, mean, dishonest, full of prejudice, and barely able to not a say any word about you BEHIND you. I myself for example is also another case. But I notice since I have a lot in my plate right now and since I am happy with the progress of my current phase, I find talking about people to be stale. Boring. Pointless. Because I would feel guilty when I have to face them after.
See, point here is that I need to learn to keep things to myself. I have an awesome partner who doesn't tell anyone even to his own family members (this prolly because he forgets a lot) but whatever, he doesn't tell! And he's always on my side unless I'm the crazy one which doesn't happen a lot hehe. Plusss he would know that I just inhaled other people's mean opinion if I suddenly 'change' the way I think about me, us or life in general. I'm truly lucky that he is able to believe me in such weird way hehe. Alhamdulillah.
So, I am going to make a revolution in social affair to NOT TELL. Never. To keep my distance in order to be that friend you feel far, intimidated from. You will not be able to talk about anything personal or ask her about her own version! And when she's not around, seh will be the one who you BARELY HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT HER and gradually you will find that you have nothing against her! waahh all these is possible simply because she doesn't provide you with any chance or hole or closet to dig! YES. so that's the brilliant plan number one. Be a MUTE when it comes to my personal life.
The brilliant plan number two is aiming to be an indifferent person. Unless it has a true potential to harm my dignity, my family, my loved ones, I should just sail straight without straying or spying on random lands. I must learn to be unbreakable, emotionally. I must not retaliate impulsively if I come across betrayal, dishonesty or every shitty thing they do behind my back. They can hate all they want, they can't touch me. They can envy and question everything I have, but truthfully, they can't take them away.
"Sesungguhnya ketenangan yang abadi lahir dari hati yang luhur. Hati yang mengenal tuhannya. Jika kita rapat dengan Allah SWT, kita yakin bahawasanya segala ujian itu adalah tanda Dia ingat kepada kita dan dia nk 'upgrade' iman kita."
Someone so wise told me this last yesterday evening. She also told me people talk because they are unhappy their lives aren't like us. Only concerned people would approach us directly and advised her from their true pure hearts.
AND if we are bothered by what people say, think, or do behind our backs, then we will NEVER achieve true happiness. We can never be truly happy. Freedom to feel love, care and treasuring other beautiful emotion. And if we can't become happy just because people talked behind our back, then that's just sad. Because We have to prepare ourselves and everyone around us to not be happy, ever.
Besides, shouldn't we care more of what Allah thinks first? At the end of the day, isn't HE the only one that truly matter?
I know it's a bit extreme, but I guess my loved ones are right. I cannot simply trust people like that. They'd crush me anytime. Therefore, berlapang dada lah if this is your ujian. Mungkin Allah uji banyak kali sebab kau tak pernah belajar pun cara nk elak benda berulang. Learn to be wise, selective, distinctive.
Don't let people make fool out of you. Stay off their grids unless your work demands you to. Always be cautious of what and to whom you say things to. Not everyone can handle your seemingly perfect little life. Nor must you be affected if they do. Let them do all the hard work as you soar high above the shallow pitiful heads. If you have time, do pray so they realize this before they damage their own happiness. Haha.
Signing out for now. Bye!
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