I am still trying to understand where my feelings are with you. I care for you but I don’t think I love you anymore. It’s so hard to say. You’ve completely betrayed my trust that us remaining friends sounds like it’s a joke. Like it’s some kind of fairy tale ending. You continue to communicate with me as if you did nothing wrong. I really thought that maybe you were trying to find ways to apologise but that’s not the case at all. You don’t care to swallow your pride and admit to your wrong. I’m not asking you back, I am asking for peace of mind. Clearly, I won’t be getting that from you, so it’s for me to continue crying until I can’t cry about it anymore. It’s for me to stay positive and fix myself until I can love and trust again. It is for me to just move forward in life and wish you and her the best. BUT at the same time I hope that you get yours and see that what you’ve done to me and others is low and degrading.
You truly were my favourite person. I was myself with you, even though I held back a lot of my true feelings (which I conflicted if I wish that I had told you about them, would that have changed anything or would this have ended way earlier) I was free. You always motivated me to do better and BE better. Now here you are running this political campaign and here I am still supporting you. Checking up on you, encouraging you, taking care of your social media and actually really want you to win. Would you do the same for me? When this is all over, will you just disregard me completely and continue messing around with other girls until you see your precious wife to be? I can easily answer that and say “yes”. I don’t doubt it. So why am I bothering with all this, because I just can’t let go. I’ve already started this campaign with you, let me take you to the finish line and before you can cut it, I will vanish like you and I never existed. I feel like Olivia Pope, but Fitz treated Olivia with way more respect. You, you’re not giving me that at all. Acting like “First Lady A.” doesn’t exist...”she’s just a friend”. If she’s just a friend, what am I if she was to ask about me? A girl that’s obsessed with you? Nothing happened between you and I, right? All good, I get it. I will be gone before you even know it.
Don’t ever question a woman’s ability to find out things that you are hiding from her. She will know and will find out on her own if she can’t find it from you or others. We always end up finding out the truth, some of us don’t even say a word about what we know and how we know. Some...you will hear about it but it will be too late.
when my mind is in the right space, i will have a proper short story of what happened. actually not a story but just give a better understanding of this. im still dealing with the heartbreak.
**my mind is all over the place. bare with me, yah**
I feel like I literally met the man that I’ve always wanted just to turn out that he was just what my heart and mind wanted to believe. From the beginning I was very hesitant wit him but I just felt like “hey, people change..why not”. NOPE! This person came in my life when I wanted out of the situation I was already in for years. He came and showed me that it was ok to be me and enjoy life. He supported me and showed me so much. It’s like he lifted me up and just dropped me down to rockbottom.
We started of as you know, just having our fun - sexually exclusive to each other to feelings getting involved. I was happy, although I was dealing with my ex who wanted me back i pushed through and stuck with my decision. I felt like I was free with him and things were falling into place. I knew I fell in love with him when I was getting jealous of girls just being around him. Let me tell you, it takes A LOT for me to be jealous. I’m very chill and whatever about things, but him! OMGOODNESS he had my blood boiling ahaha, I didn’t even know how to deal with myself when I felt that way. Anyways, I knew he wasn’t ready for commitment but I still stuck around because I believed that it was just fear from past relationships. I trusted him SO MUCH that another girl was never really a thought. I did let him know that if that was the case to let me know and let me go. Always kept it open with him and wanted him to feel comfortable to tell me these things. Our deal in this was that we stuck to each other, if there was anyone else that we let each other know, we needed to be honest and communicate with each other. Easy! For me at least.
My friends were really against this, they kept bringing up his past and how much he was a player and a fraud and all that “men are trash” talk, even my guy friends will tell me his the reason why a lot of girls don’t mess with people from their country. Of course stubborn me...”but people change, and he’s older now”. Only to find out that he is in fact what my friends told me about him.
I had moved away because I got a job in small town. He was happy for me and i was excited cause I had my own place that he can come see me at and I can come see him when he was home. Anyways, I ended up loosing my job, I wasn’t too upset because I felt something better would come. Suddenly it felt like everything just hit a brutal STOP! I was feeling SICK to my stomach, I wasn’t sleeping, and I would be crying my eyes out every night. I felt stressed and just dealing with really bad anxiety. I had no idea why! I just felt like something is off, something is about to happen. Couple days later I’m told that he flew another girl from a whole different continent to meet his family for marriage. I literally broke into tears like someone had died. Why me, I asked. What and where did i go wrong? The feeling I felt that very moment, I wouldn’t wish on ANYONE! I was BROKEN! Why would you do this to me? After everything...why? Why keep me around for this long and not say anything?
So much has happened from the moment of finding out. I drove back home, ran into them and to this very day he won’t admit that she’s “the one” for him. He denies that she met the family, he claims that she came here for an acting thing. I lost sooooo much weight, I was crying, my friends became distant. I moved back home, because honestly I wasn’t even looking for work anymore. I was just a mess and lost.
I had sent him a text message to tell him how much he hurt me and that it was over between us. We were still seeing each other after all that and we were still getting intimate. He just knew how to pull me back to him, he knew how to play with my head and make me believe him even after seeing it for myself. One night, while he was asleep I couldn’t sleep at all, I decided “hey, let me check his phone”. Boy oh boy did I see everything I needed and more. Seeing him talking to her the way that he did just made me feel sick and triggered my anxiety. I couldn’t feel hurt because he has hurt me so much, what more heart is there to break when it’s broken completely? He stated that he knew she was a good girl when he first saw her and when he left he couldn’t just let her go. WTF am I? Im not a hoe, I don’t sleep around, my name is not out there, but apparently that wasn’t good enough for him.
The following day, we are running errands together and all i can think about were the messages and the pictures of them being together and HAPPY. Knowing that they facetime while he’s working and I couldn’t even get him on the phone. Mind you, we used to talk on the phone almost everyday, he always called back but that just ended out of nowhere. Makes sense now.
I feel like I wasted so much time just waiting around for him to apologize. I have forgiven him. Stupidly I’m here helping him out with this campaign, when yet I really shouldn’t. I eventually messaged him that I couldn’t keep being intimate with him when I know about her and his plans with her. If he wants someone with while she’s where she lives..its not me. There are plenty of girls who are willing to do it but me, I am not that girl and I can not be that girl. I have way to much pride and class for this. Yes, I know, I slept him many more times knowing but I felt guilty. I was LOST in his lies. He knew exactly what to do and say to me. Not my proudest moment.
I will honestly and truly will have a soft spot for him. I will be ready to help him if he really needs the help. I will not have a friendship with someone who can lie to me like that and not own up to their wrongs. Until that day where he owns up to it...maybe just MAYBE. I’ve been nothing but loyal to him and his biggest fan. I wish him nothing but the best and that he becomes a better man for this girl who is so oblivious to the situation even after me running in to them and I’m sure she got random messages just like I did. I love him, I do, but I will never fight for him back ever. He can come back and fight but who’s to say I will take him back? He’s embarrassed me and me a joke in front of his friends who knew the whole time, and in front of my own friends. It is sad that because of this my friendships have shifted. To hear that some don’t really want to be around me because they are embarrassed is a blow. Now I have to learn to let go of this guy, and accept being on my own and doing my own thing without my friends.
