The Real Deal

he/him — I made the funny timeline thingy

[zekeram]

THE TIMELINE VERSION 4

Behold, I have solved fiction

IT IS FINALLY HERE. MY TRUE MAGNUM OPUS. I HAVE TRULY SOLVED FICTION.

Split version:

And again if it's still unreadable here is a google drive link

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I have recently made it my mission to make the Metroid subreddit actually funny with silkposts. Here's the ones I've made so far.

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the tallon metroids in the prime trilogy always make me so sad. poor babies are so malnourished that they stop eating you after a little bit to digest and then they instantly grow in size

usually I avoid killing as many as possible and if I have energy to spare I'll let them have the first decent meal they've ever had in their life

[zekeram]

On a related note, Samus probably thought she was dead meat finding that single tallon metroid in research lab aether without the ice beam. Probably confused that she was somehow still able to kill it regardless. Or that they're so small. A normal metroid is easily the size of a larger dog, but tallons start out the size of the Morph Ball.

Ah, but-- phazon, right. Surely that explains all the discrepancies. Just one of many monstrous mutations. At least I assume she told herself that for the rest of the prime saga.

I wonder, though, if on SR388 with the hatchling excitedly tailing her and chirping at her and flying around her head like a little jelly-fly, she recalled the lowly tallon metroid. The caged beast with a deflated membrane, with yellowed teeth and recessed gums. The bioweapon that periodically stopped the hunt to digest the comparatively massive amount of sustenance it received. The indestructible monster whose so-called invulnerability managed to atrophy. The lab rat who was endlessly experimented on and twisted into whatever form the poison desired.

Seeing a metroid so innocent and happy, did she remember, with new perspective, the ones who only knew suffering?

[zekeram]

the tallon metroids in the prime trilogy always make me so sad. poor babies are so malnourished that they stop eating you after a little bit to digest and then they instantly grow in size

usually I avoid killing as many as possible and if I have energy to spare I'll let them have the first decent meal they've ever had in their life

[shuuda-arts]

Samus Aran (Metroid Zero Mission)

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A while ago I dumped the models from Prime 4 with the help of a friend.

God has given me too much power

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IMAGE_FRAUD

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AM2R was cowardly for making frozen enemies obey gravity actually. Commit to the physics defying nonsense. It's way less interesting to look at it and say "nah it makes more sense if they just fall" than it is to say "the ice beam freezes things not just physically, but also spatially relative to the nearest major gravitational anchor. There is a known issue where it cannot recognize faux-gravity caused by centrifugal force and several chozo warriors have had a brief moment of confusion as their prospective platform lazily drifted backwards into the floor when on a spacecraft that uses that sort of thing."

[gentle-hero-blog]

I put all me seguru that shinesparking wasn't actually intentional in-universe. the speed boost storage thing was probably an inertia dampener designed to keep the sudden stop from mach fuck from killing you, slurping up all that kinetic energy and bleeding it out safely, but then some lunatic overclocked their thrusters with it and made a neat imprint of their body on the wall

Samus first witnessed the concept of shinesparking on her favorite science show, Mythblasters (and then promptly tried it out, followed by a stern talking-to from Gray Voice)

[zekeram]

This is true. She then proceeded to forget all about it for 14 years until being suddenly reminded by the dachoras and then agonized for the next 15 minutes over every time she could've used it in Zero Mission

I also imagine a few iterations of the speed booster down the line maybe they did turn shinesparking into an intentional feature and gave it some nifty bells and whistles (giving you more than a quarter-second to aim your charge, letting the speed booster immediately kick back in if you can transition back into a run, making it not bleed energy off of your suit, etc. etc. creating a nifty diegetic parallel to how the item evolved mechanically)

Especially since you look over at Raven Beak and he has a version of the Speed Booster that's just the shinespark like some sort of evil fucked-up mario that can only long-jump backwards

[zekeram]

Glue!

[gayweeddaddy69]

why do you hate swifties so much

because they aligned themselves with the treacherous count dooku

[nanaosdailylife]

be careful crossing the street nanao, i don’t want anything bad to happen to you and hurt you

Cars don’t hurt me anymore.

[zekeram]

you ever think about how weird it is that early metroid works had a smattering of non-humans in the federation that have all but been phased out but they keep adding more species of space pirate.

you ever think about how weird it is that the chozo are hyper-advanced and made the very power suit samus uses, but every chozo warrior besides raven beak that we see uses fucking spears and has significantly less powered-looking armor with no sign of any identifiable suit upgrades being used (like not even the fucking morph ball)

you ever think about how we never see any species that have been used in space pirate context (i.e. ridley and kraid's unnamed specieses) outside of said context.

you ever think about how weird it is that the manga affirms ridley is fully sapient and capable of speech but the only time after its release that we see a hint of that in the games is a hypothetically-missable cutscene in zero mission of ridley just kinda perched at the helm of the space pirate mothership and other than that he still just kinda roars about like an animal.

[zekeram]

I think if they make another Doom movie it should be like Willy's Wonderland in the sense that the demons want it to be a horror movie but Doomguy's a hardcore action movie protagonist and his very presence causes a genre shift

the first part of the movie would be really tame about it and would be pretty much the doom 3/knee-deep in the dead/vaguely half-life vibes part where it's the immediate fallout of the Hell invasion, and doomguy's whole deal is fighting his way out and he doesn't have that full genre sway yet, the demons clearly get to him psychologically and even an imp or two is a life-or-death encounter

then you adapt sweet little dead bunny with a daisy death scene. get a full-blown last-act-of-the-horror-movie style version of the first part of the song (the part with the melody) and frame the whole thing like it's the end of the horror movie and the monsters are about to fuckign get the protagonist as doomguy's just sorta frozen there in his grief. and then you interrupt it at like the last couple notes with the heaviest grungiest metal-iest cover of the second part of the song ever fucking conceived as doomguy truly becomes the guy from doom and just fucking tears every single demon in the room to shreds, even with his bare hands at one point, and then for the rest of the movie doomguy is on the offensive and his very presence in a scene changes the genre

final battle is with the spider mastermind and when doomguy gets the upper hand for good in the fight it switches to that cool first person shit they did in the first doom movie and then they re-enact the doom 2016 spider mastermind kill

[coldgoldlazarus]

Fic idea: Samus vs a Dalek

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the cold steel and warm flesh of malice and hatred vs the cold steel and warm flesh of love for all creation

[zekeram]

chozo tech is so beautiful. it's machine and flesh working together not in horror but in harmony. it's an understanding and respect of the soul that runs so deep that matter is interchangeable with it. your battlesuit's basic peashooter is an extension of your own bio-energy, quite literally your spirit weaponized, and it just doesn't have any long-term side effects. a power suit is not a foreign presence you have to bend to your will but an extension of your body. probably literally.

but at the same time it's still a machine. it still has the tactility and certainty of steel plates shifting and the whirr of servos and the soft glow of strip-lights tastefully dispersed along its chassis. it still has hemorrhaging-edge bells and whistles and unknowable miles of code somewhere within and an interface designed for a user and not a symbiotic host or something. a power suit is absurdly modular, designed to be improved and iterated and personalized.

it's all the best parts of the machine combined with all the best parts of biology with just a pinch of literal spirit magic sprinkled on top. It's a love letter to Creation itself.

[stellacosmickat]

ness won btw