Hi. It's weird writing here, but I just wanted to let it all out. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Apparently writing down heavy stuff helps a bit so here goes. Exactly a year ago everything went to shit for me starting with job problems as I wasn't sure if the company was gonna extend my contract and ending with relations with my family.
As you can guess, the company I was working for for almost a year didn't extend my contract and with the end of February 2017 I was left without a job and any income. That's also when I booked my plane tickets to Finland for the first time. January was also a month where relations with my brother went totally to shit. By that I mean we stopped talking, because at this point everyone tried to stop me from going to Finland including my mother and sister as well. With my brother however it's kinda different, because while sister was being weird for years and we didn't really talk much, with him we had really good realtions. But then when one time I just said I won't talk to him about my leave to Finland, because even thought about it was giving me serious panic attacks he just said: Congratulations on knowing everything, have a high five with your sister. Now, you have to understand, that talk with my brother is basically him talking for 90% of the time and rest is just you not knowing what to answer. Then few days later he showed up in my room and I was afraid what it was about. He and his wife bought me really expensive phone few months back and they both agreed that it's as a birthday present. So what e had to say was me giving like 100 zl every month for a phone. I wasn't even thinking when I said: just give me your account number, I'll give you the whole money back. And that was it. He sent me the number via text and I gave them back the whole 2500 zl. We didn't really talk since then, but then in July he came up to me asking to go with them for a week to Greece, cause they already booked everything, but his wife was having problems. By problems I mean they're getting divorce now. It was more about him not having anyone with proper english outside the country and since I have weak heart I agreed, which I regreted a lot. One time I left our room yelling. Let's leave it here. We haven't talked since then again. Now going back to 2017 before my leave to Finland, my mother was worried, which is totally understandable. So what she did, she told my sister and what my sister did was to come to me with so called "letter" and made me read it in front of her. I obviously ended up with another panic attack after that one hour cause that's how long she was there in my room. The letter was just stuff she found on the internet and printed. What was there as you can imagine was the worst stuff that can happen to yuo if you leave to another country. I won't talk much about it, cause it makes me uneasy as fuck. Anyway I was left broken and anxious to the point where I wanted to hurt myself just to stop the feeling. Two people knew about this and it was obviously my boyfriend who quickly text our best friend and they both talked me out of this. Just imagine me crying in bed with phone in my hand. Cause that's how it was. Our friend told me to write a letter, which I did where I tried explain all my emotions. Our brains are fucked up tools and most of the things we write down or text we wouldn't be able to say out loud. So I wrote that thing and when I had a chance I left it on my mother's desk. That day she showed up in my room and just kissed my head, then left. It helped a bit. Writing that thing. Anyway, with the end of april in 2017 I left to Finland to meet my boyfriend for the first time. It was amazing week. There are no words I could use to describe how it was. But that was when I felt alive. Really alive and happy. But its not what this post is about. Going back was hard. Harder than I thouth it would be. And right after that my mother "wanted to talk". You know how by the tone of someone's voice you're able to tell if it's good or bad... it was bad. So this talk was to inform me, that my parents decided to charge me a certain amount of money every month for living with them. So paying a rent basically. And it's totally fine as I was reading later on the internet. But don't get me wrong, I just came back from Finland leaving my boyfriend for fuck knows how long not to mention I don't have a job yet. I was on call with him as she asked me downstairs so when I came back he was already freaking out and then he heard me crying. With my anxiety I'm really picky when it comes to finding a job, because I'm scared of people. After a month I managed to get a job in a small shop few kilometers outside my city, because I thought it would be okay. It wasn't. I left after month. By then I wasn't paying my mother anything, because I was still hoping she didn't mean it, but then one day she said: it's been two months and you still haven't payed. I just looked at her and said: aight, I hope you'll sleep better with it. I think me deleting her from contacts on skype gave her something to think about because one day I came back home and there was a short letter on my desk with a question: why you hate me so much. Please, let's talk. So next day we had our first talk in months, where I said what I thought was wrong. She was always telling me that people have different problems and for others those problems might not seem like a big deal, but for others it's a life or death. So in this talk, she reffered to my problems as "only". I said what I had to say to her and ended the whole conversation with info of me leaving to Finland at some point. We don't really talk. From the whole rent thing I said I will be paying her half of it and she agreed. At the beginning on July when I came back from Greece I started working in chineese shop right next to my parents place. Since they hired me I wasn't complaining, but it wasn't worth it at all. Working 10 hours per day, 184 hours a month, no matter what month that was. I caught some alergy while working there and currently I'm trying to get an appointement to do a tests. 2017 was a year where my health started to getting worse. Not really the "I caught a cold" kind of worse. I mean the kid of problems you get when you're in a huge stress 24/7. For me it was stomach problems. Since I was afraid to leave my room to eat anything I could go for 4 days without eating anything. When I was finally eating, it was shit. For now, I think it's okay, tho I still have serious stomach troubles whenever I'm in stress. So I worked in that shop for 7 months, left with the end of December. 2 weeks ago I came back from Finalnd again, but this time it was better. We decided with my boyfriend, that in June or if something goes wrong in July I leave to Finland. I hope for good. Now I'm trying to get a job in a small boutique in shopping center in my town, I think I'm getting there, tho it's still not 100% sure. But it'll do for those few months where in a meantime I'll get all formalities done. The only person I'll miss is my dad. He was the nly one supporting me in his own way, he was the only one to notice that I wasn't eating.
But then again, I'm turning 25 in few days and I'm tired of life like I'm 40 or something. Anyway, I learned a lot in 2017, not in a good way, it made me who I am now, but I’m hoping that this year will be better. Mostly because after meeting my boyfriend’s mom and step dad I know I’ll have all the support I need there. Since my sight got much worse his mom got an appointement for me to check the eyesight and to get me glasses. I’m not saying anything, but this saved me a lot of money, since no one here would be willing to do that for me.
I don’t think I’ll be posting here again, but I won’t delete that blog, cause sometimes I just come here and scroll to see wtf is happening here. I’ll post some pics from my last visit in Finland and for some reason posting my face doesn’t seem like a big deal like it used to so I’d call that a progress.
