Musings on loneliness, cycles, and perpetual escapism
Yesterday I found myself feeling loneliness.
As a child I didn't have many friends. If I wanted to talk about my interests, I simply couldn't. I'd write down little stories in the solitude of my room instead where I had the friends I yearned for so deeply. I'd translate my bullies into my stories, but then, Legolas and Aragorn would comfort me. I had 13 dwarves to make me smile. I had Anakin Skywalker to guide me. I had Merlin to teach me magic. Jack Sparrow would show me the way.
As an adult, my friends are scattered across the country. I struggle with knowing that as an adult, not having friends close by means risking growing apart forever. To their credit, I've been getting messages, calls, even little gifts to ease into my new life here.
So I've found myself doing the same thing all over again as an adult. Instead of being crushed by the responsibility of residency, I'm crushed by the responsibility of finding a way to vanquish the elder brain alongside a flamboyant elven vampire. I'm battling with the seductive temptation of the dark side of the force from a highly competent and cunning Zabrak.
I ask myself a lot if perpetual escapism does more harm than good. I think I'm able to strike a balance most of the time, able to live in the real world and have success while also imagining a fantastical world where my success looks very different. It's not lost on me how full circle it has all come. I wonder for how many years I am going to be finding myself doing this. 🤣
Life hack: Free up mental space by getting rid of easy decisions. Your brain has a limited amount of decision making energy each day. The more you spend it on small things like what to wear, what to eat, when to work out, the less you have for the decisions that actually matter. Create routines. Plan your meals. Wear the same few outfits. Automate what you can
The fewer unnecessary decisions you make, the more mental energy you have for the ones that move your life forward
you do kind of have to actively shape how you feel a little bit. you can't just like, passively wait for the world to impress and inspire you. you have to choose to look for it & you have to choose to find it.
maturing is realizing none of us are easy to be with. it's about who's willing to stay committed to understanding you and actually wants to grow with you
His focus was on his purpose. His purpose was clear. His master had given him meticulous instruction to come to this planet, infiltrate the palace, gain the trust of the queen, and lay the groundwork for a total occupation of Batuu.
There could be no errors.
“Cassius tea is one of our most popular exports. I hope you enjoy it. I love to make it.” She said. “Especially when I wish to know someone.” Her eyes met his again as she placed the teapot down gently.
Maul x oc Queen of Batuu. This story takes place around the time of the Phantom Menace. I don't have a title just yet. Haven't proofread this chapter yet, but I sincerely hope that you enjoy this. As I am incredibly busy with studying I don't know when part two will be, but I have plans for it, with the later chapters to be more in the style of letters and journal entries from Maul himself, reading more like an x reader in those parts. There are no content warnings for this chapter.
Please let me know what you think?
In the beaming rays of the hot Batuu sun, Maul’s head thrust out from beneath the salty waves of the ocean as he gasped for air, his lungs filling with the sweet scent of green grass, summer flowering plants, and the golden lichen that grew on the surface of the ancient trees and created an atmosphere that could be found in no other system. The powerful push and pull of the tides threatened to wash his body away in white foam, but he resisted. Just as he always did, he resisted. He knew this serene interlude would have to be brief, and with a twinge of sadness deep in his chest, he walked out of the raging waters onto the shore. It would be his first day in his new role, and he could not afford to be late. He could feel the droplets fall from his body into the sand. He honed his focus onto the quiet sounds they made as they fell, using the force to meditate only on their delicate descent.
Batuu was lush, green, and vast. The locals, surprised at the vision of a Zabrak on their home planet, greeted Maul under the heat of the mid-day sun. He glanced at them with polite nods of acknowledgement but wasted no time in approaching the palace gates. His focus was on his purpose. His purpose was clear. His master had given him meticulous instruction to come to this planet, infiltrate the palace, gain the trust of the queen, and lay the groundwork for a total occupation of Batuu. The blockade on Naboo was already in motion, though regrettably, the queen there had proven to be more resistant to legitimizing the occupation of her home than they had initially predicted.
There could be no errors.
Maul lifted his head, his sensitive Zabrak eyes squinting in the bright summer sun to follow the tall spires of the palace that reached up to the skies. The black cloak which was not made to provide comfort in a climate such as this shadowed his brow but did little to shield his golden eyes from watering. He felt a shift in the force- a life form was approaching with haste.
“Bright Suns!” A guard said, stepping in front of him. This was the typical Batuu greeting of the day, Maul thought to himself. Maul bowed his head slightly in greeting, though admittedly, it was partially to rest his eyes from the assault of the morning rays.
“You must be the new bodyguard. I can’t imagine it being anyone else!” He laughed. His skin was tanned, accustomed to the climate on this planet. He wore light colored armor, which surely helped him stay cooler than Maul in his heavy dark cloak. Maul made a mental note to use his linen one instead tomorrow.
“Nobody else on this planet that I know of could fit the description I was given.” The friendly guard said.
“It is I” Maul responded.
The guard stopped for a moment, as if to process the man before him.
Was that too formal? Maul questioned himself at this reaction. He had little experience with conversing with others politely or professionally besides his master. He was acutely aware of this now.
“Well, welcome to Batuu. They are waiting for you in the main hall. I’ll let them know over comms that you are headed in their direction.”
The gates opened with a metal screech that Maul felt deep within his cranium. He was accustomed to it though. The loud sounds of the worlds had long irritated Maul, who’s sensitive ears and eyes took in every detail.
He continued swiftly towards the main entrance, walking up the smooth stone steps to find his destination. More guards stood at either side of the immense entryway- on alert at first, then, easing when they received the comms message that it was the new bodyguard that was approaching.
Maul was glad that they acted efficiently, because he didn’t want to bear the hot sun any longer. He made no outward show of it, but his body felt at ease when the shade enveloped him fully. He stepped into the palace, his boots silent on the glossy stone floor. A cool breeze suddenly reached its fingers deep within his cloak, and he could not help but sigh at the relief that washed over him.
More Batuuans greeted him, their colorful clothing and conspicuous makeup the signal that Maul was now no longer among the common people, but among the elite. He thought he heard one of the men speaking, catching only a haughty “this one” before his ears were once again filled with the sounds of welcomes. His face appeared to be focused on their overwhelming greetings, but his unquiet mind was reaching out in all directions with the force now. He was looking for a trace of her.
Where are you?
Another guard, one Maul recognized to be Telon, the head of security, approached with more purpose and control of the room than the other guards had exhibited. The well-dressed nobility stepped aside to allow Maul to do his job. This guard’s stern energy matched the stoic nature of the Zabrak he greeted, and he took all but a second to begin to walk him through the main hall with the report of the night shift.
“Today you will have a twelve hour shift. You will report any occurrences to your relief when they arrive at the change of shift. Overnight there were no events, although we have had more threats in the past month than we would like the citizens or the general nobility to know about. Your discretion in these matters is of utmost importance to security.”
Maul turned with interest but kept his mouth quiet.
Telon turned his whole body to Maul now. Telon was much taller than Maul, and his shoulders were broad enough to block the sun that came through the tall windows in the main hall. Maul was not intimidated. This man did not wield the force as he did. Though interestingly, he had a rudimentary understanding of it. Maul wondered to himself if the man was aware that his superior skills were likely from a latent force sensitivity, however minor.
“You already know the rules, so I will make this brief.” Telon continued, “Nobody touches her majesty. Nobody comes within three feet of her majesty without her express permission, except for you, who is to stand within arm’s reach at all times. You are aware of every available exit in every room that she enters. You are silent and you are invisible. She may speak to you, which is acceptable, but not the other way around.”
Maul nodded wordlessly.
Then, like the same cool breeze that had given him a gentle respite from the sun earlier, he felt a calm wash over all the reaches of his body. A presence in the force approached. Maul was ever aware of the low hum of anger that vibrated through all the cells in his body. Through the force, he could feel the subtle changes of life’s energy within himself and within others like he could feel the waves of the ocean on his skin earlier. His eyes turned to the source of the sudden shift, first to his left, where the base of the grand staircase was.
His sharp golden eyes followed each step until they found her feet. His gaze met small, purple silk slippers first, a few small beads sewn into them that glinted in the light with each step. His eyes climbed further to find a stiff, purple silk dress littered with small golden embroidery meant to symbolize the golden lichen that grew exclusively on this planet. Her hips swayed freely with each step she took in his direction. The structured waist of the dress hugged her form too tightly for comfort, he thought, and the straight neckline low enough to allow her some freedom in the otherwise confining gown. Nearly knee-length black hair flowed behind her, and unlike the other nobility, she had nothing extravagant in it besides a plain gold headband. It’s simple elegance was all the adornment she needed, he thought.
The queen of Batuu was not born into nobility. She was elected, and this one in particular, he recalled from his debriefing, had not been born into wealth or privilege at all. Yet, standing before him, she carried herself with the grace and dignity of one who understood the weight of the responsibility they carried.
When she lifted her eyes, which had been focused intently on each step so that she would not fall down the lengthy staircase- he felt as though the force stuttered. Like it was suddenly slowed down enough for him to hear the sound of a small gasp that left her lungs. Like a hot flame, he also felt a jolt of energy through her face and neck. A signal of fear that he had known all too well. It was the same feeling that he had felt within Eldra Kaitis- just before his lightsaber came down upon her with all the wrath and the fury of the Sith. The same feeling he felt when an innocent person crossed his path for the first time and looked upon his face. It was the fear he had become accustomed to at every first meeting. This was the way it was meant to be. The way his master had shaped him to be.
She seemed to quickly push the feeling aside, though, and to Maul’s surprise- she sighed again with relief.
Relief? What was that feeling?
Even more to his surprise, the corners of her lips curled upwards, and her eyes were kind and gentle. The last time he had seen eyes look at him like that, he thought, was back home on Dathomir, when he was a child. How long ago that was.
“Hello” was all she quietly said, but the echoes of that one word rippled through the force with an energy he didn’t anticipate. It was like the word itself traveled through the air between them and settled deep into his psyche- threatening to stay there for an indefinite amount of time.
Telon bowed low, and Maul followed suit, his eyes following back down her form just as they had travelled up moments earlier. He closed his eyes, hoping that in so doing he would not feel tempted to trace the shape of her body again- that would be disrespectful. What was he, after all? He wasn’t a restless teenage boy who couldn’t handle himself. All these thoughts raced through his mind before she spoke again, and he opened his eyes to meet her face. Only her face.
“You must be my new security.” She said, her voice was even in tone, and was deep and rich as the ocean he had pulled himself from this morning. Her words would hand in the air for a bit too long- before Maul realized he was expected to respond. Her face with a polite look of expectation signaled to him that it was safe to speak.
“Yes your highness.”
“Thank you Telon, please have your well deserved rest.” She said, and with another swift bow, he left them in silence.
Neither of them spoke- the air between them thick with the hum of the force. Maul could feel what he knew to be force sensitivity- not enough to give her the power that Maul had- but just enough for her to feel shifts in the room as he did.
That is interesting.
“My name is Pettra." She said, as though she needed an introduction.
"Maul, your highness."
"Please join me, Maul” she said, her head tilting and her body turning in the direction of the glass breezeway. Maul allowed his body to float closely behind. Always within arm’s reach. The green fronds of the potted plants swayed with the ocean breeze.
She turned with that same gentle smile as before, and his eyes went from looking straight ahead to meeting her gaze. She had to look up to face him.
“You may walk beside me” She called after him, granting him permission to quicken his stride for a moment, then slow down to match her pace.
She led him to an open terrace that was (thankfully) covered from the sun. A small, round table was set with two seats and two plate settings for a meal. An intimate place to have breakfast. He wondered to himself which of the nobles would be joining her.
She lowered herself into the chair, and with haste, he remembered his role. He stood behind her and pushed the chair into the table. He pushed forward a little too hard at first, her torso jumping forward in her gut reaction to remain stable and not fall into her plate. Again, he felt the force race through her veins with the startle she felt.
Damn you, Maul. Gently.
She made no indication that she was uncomfortable, though. She quietly adjusted the seat herself as he stood back.
“Would you like to have a seat?” she asked, her warm voice soothing his embarrassment like a balm on a stinging burn.
He was uncertain if she was testing him. He kept his gaze focused and stern on her face.
“If it pleases you.” He answered.
Was that the right thing to say?
She looked up and smiled again in that easy way that made him feel sparks in the air.
“It would.” She said matter-of-factly.
He looked to the plate, then back to her face. He stepped with precision to his spot, and lowered himself gingerly into the seat. Pulling himself forward with more care than the had with his initial attempt with the queen.
He was cautious that his eyes would not trace up her body again, lest she think him improper. The sound of crashing waves in the distance the only thing grounding him.
"Please, make yourself comfortable" she said, expecting him to remove his heavy cloak. Instead, he started quietly back at her with no change in expression. She almost nodded, as if to acknowledge his choice.
He looked down to the table as a servant quickly and efficiently placed a tray of tea between them.
“Cassius tea?” She offered.
He watched as she scooped the tea leaves from their little golden bowl over the ornate silver tea strainers, and reached for the golden teapot. She poured the hot water over the tea leaves, the steam rising in little swirls that reached his nose. It smelled earthy, and fresh.
He watched with care as she moved from one cup to another, serving him first before herself. It was a beautiful little ceremony.
“Cassius tea is one of our most popular exports. I hope you enjoy it. I love to make it.” She said. “Especially when I wish to know someone.” Her eyes met his again as she placed the teapot down gently.
He waited for her to reach for her cup first but she did not. She smiled, waiting for him to drink first. With one hand he reached out- then realized his leather gloves were still firmly on his hands. He reached down to remove them, one finger at a time. They were, however, a little tight, and he had to work with them to remove them properly. She waited patiently, watching as he removed each finger to reveal the red and black tattoos that decorated his knuckles.
What was that she was feeling just then? Anticipation?
He reached down with careful precision, mindful that she was watching. He sipped the tea, and let out a quiet hum low in his throat. She sat back, indicating to him that she had been leaning in slightly.
“It is perfect” He said, calm for the first time since they had met.
The realization of the weight of his responsibility settled in, making his shoulders tense again beneath the layers of his inappropriately heavy cloak.
shoutout to bi ppl fr. bi women, bi men, bi nonbinary people. blows a kiss to masc bi women and fem bi men in particular. fat bi people, bi poc, aspec bi people, trans bi people, i love all you guys
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