In this difficult times I'm reading a book on gender stuff for a lot of... various reasons. Anyway, in there I found this gem (this is not a direct quote):
"Gender is a web unique to all of us, like a fingerprint, that you craft yourself and evolves in time. It's three-dimensional: one dimension is your mind, another is your environment, another is your culture"
Fucking hell this definition rules. Yeah, I'm a silly spider doing my weaving and an artisan playing with wooden fragments. I'm a painter that collects droplets of colour and an origami hobbist that folds his own paper where its life story is written. I am a smith that carefully perfects an armour and a dragon hoarding pieces for a collection that makes sense in its entirety, not in a single fragment.
Being queer rules.
I am trying to give my thoughts some order lately... so, just to write it down: the more I go on in life, the more I realize that, in a tragic day in the past, someone murdered the girl in me. Took a knife sharp and putrid, drove it deep into her chest. (Long gothic poetic life story under the cut, be warned. Be warned, it implies a degree of queer-phobia)
I am currently collecting memories before that day and recognizing patterns, I am understanding behaviours I showed and, like an archeologist, putting it together into a forgotten story.
The thing is, tho: she's dead. My body is her walking sarcophagus, chiseled and decorated with gemstones and drapes.
The boy that I am has a twin sister leaning heavily on his back. Held with chains, a silver mask fastened around her decaying visage. We walk together, like a bad performance of the Usher family, like a burning desire that cannot be erased, only ignored.
That's why that definition of gender is so precious to me: she's dead, but I still live. I am weaving a web with her memories and her dreams, with her opinions and her desires, desperatly trying to find the correct place for each of her pieces, desperate to craft again what I was.
That's why I consider myself demigender in this current time. The only thing I need right now is to take a step back and gaze at the artwork I'm working on to further process its details. Longer hair, shorter beard, that fits nice. Thinner body, bulkier muscles, I feel better like this.
Maybe once I was an egg. Maybe once I could have hatched into a transgender woman. That chance has been taken from me, and this idea keeps me up at night. But that time is in the past. I have the future to think of. I have the pieces of that broken horrid blade to carve out of my chest. I have a life to reclaim.
In the end, the corpse in the guise of a doll of that girl is sitting in a chair, animated by zombified puppet strings to guide my hand, the shadow of the coffin encompassing her frame. I can only move forward with what I have...
I can only weave myself complete, again.
Again thinking of this, this october.
Sometimes I just get lost in myself and all the stuff I have to do I forget to be the one I want to be.
I lash out in anger. I get worried. I get scared. I feel a cage pressing at me from all sides.
I get disgusted at myself. I feel lonely. I can't make meaningful connections. I hate myself.
And yet.
I can still look straight in the eyes of people around me, smile and say: "Ehy, look at me. I'm fucking wrong all over, and I love my fucking life".
Someone once responded "You are so nore beautiful now than when you were living the lie others engraved on your flesh"
And I'll bring my statement with my crooked, lonely smile to hell and back with me.
November update
God I kove my corset it's so tight and nice and my hips are so biteable
God I love my hair it's long and thin but also curly and free
God I love my smile is so funny to giggle when looking at myself in the mirror
God is so beautiful to know I'm not completely male
December update
I think I wanna try my hand at weaving. I... love wearing corsets and I have in mind a corset design, with a big bat and moon and clouds. I want to craft my alt chockers and jewerly. I want to thing my clothes to fit me better. I... need to start acting creatively again I think
April update: progress
So, I started a bit of dating and I outed myself as demigender, explaining all the stuff about my personal gender trauma to one of my dates... and I felt so validated by the experience that days after I thought myself in female pronouns by instinct for the first time.
Also, my hair is LONG rn. It has never been so long before. It encompasses my face and reaches below my shoulders on the back! Which is nice!
Also also, I marked myself down for the sewing course AND obtain models to sew corsets!
Yep. Despite everything, I still believe good things will come.
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Edit: goddamnit I have a female name for myself now
June update: my gf painted us in a cute nest and posted the drawing. And she put "T4T" as its title.
So... am I officially non-binary-trans now?
...
Fuck it feels amazing
Also I've been renaming much of my accounts to a different spin of "[Chosen name]" x "PuppyGIRL". And I've been eyeing puppy lingerie. Which could mean nothing.
