I’m sorry you don’t need to read this post but I needed to vent about my life 🥴
I know I never post on here and nobody knows who I am but I feel like I just need to vent and get my thoughts out in the open and I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this. So here goes...
I’m in my final year of my degree and it’s getting to the point that after this year, I’m going to have to enter the work force in a field I’m not interest in anymore.
I found University was my crutch, as I could rely on having three years more years of schooling after high school before I became a ‘real adult’. I thought that by the time I graduated I would have evolved and would have been ready. However, I don’t think anyone was expecting a Pandemic to happen in 2020, which has seen my past two years of university basically be online and created this bubble were I did nothing with my life.
Which is we’re my issues lie. I’m not interested in my degree or the opportunity’s it will lead too, I’m at the stage were I am applying for work experience and nothing I see interests or motivate me. I feel like I’m just making things up whenever anyone asks or questions me about after I graduate. It also doesn’t help that anyone I talk to in my degree has somewhat of a plan on what they want to do after graduation where as i have no plan or direction in life.
I have five major issue at the moment
1. I’m pretty sure I’ve f*cked my courses up and have not been doing the correct subjects and I probably won’t graduate when I wanted too. So there’s that 🙃
2. I’m not interest in my degree anymore or the careers and opportunities it offers. I also feel like I’m the only one without a plan and given that I have not made any friends in uni except this year. I’m trying really hard to continue these relationships however I’m always having to put a mask on and be someone I’m not which includes not telling people certain things about myself. This is where the third problem comes from...
3. I have no work or life experience. I have been privileged to have the parents I do and I love them very much and they have continued to support me no questions asked but I feel like a failure 😞 I’m almost 22 years old and I have never had a proper job as I have been a family caregiver for my mum since 2017 BUT that’s is just an excuse I have been telling both myself and everybody else. I could of had a job if I had tried but I was unmotivated and now I feel likes it’s too late to get a part time job anywhere and no one will hire me. Another thing that has hindered me is the fact I don’t have a drivers license, I have a lot of anxiety around driving so I’m still incredibly dependent on my parents. However, I’m current working on that and doing driving lessons but I still have a long way to go and I feel extreme anxiety when thinking or applying to job as I keep getting rejected or I never hear back from the job application.
4. Moreover, I know this is not a common wish and people have been trying to break out of this lifestyle but honestly I just want to work a boring 9 -5 office job doing nothing but writing emails, attending meeting etc and nothing else. I feel like I’m not smart enough for anything and that I have faked it through my ability to do assignments but it always entails a lot of editing and rereading. Also I feel really dumb all the time as my spelling and math is atrocious and I feel so insure in myself and my abilities. The reason I want a basic 9 - 5 is just having the life style of waking up early in the morning, going to work, coming home, having dinner and relaxing the rest of the night doing hobbies such as reading, sims and watching tv shows and having weekends off consistently to spend time doing things that interest me and having holidays maybe once a year. That’s the structure I want in life and I feel like I can never admit to that because I would of wasted me degree on nothing.
5. Lastly, this issue has nothing to do with my degree or lack of work experience but about my own confidence or lack there for and has been playing on my mid for years now. In terms of my body… I HATE it. I’m fat there is no other word for it, I weigh around 116kg and even if I try and tell myself I look pretty or not that big in the mirror as soon as I see myself in a reflection in public or photos of my self I’m horrified with how big and disgusting I really am. Ever time I leave the house I feel nervous and anxious I I constantly have to make efforts to look better and dress better then people would just to do basic things like grocery shopping. I feel judged whenever I’m in public and find that I can never order to much food or buy to much food if I’m buy myself. I also cannot shop at any normal clothing stores and feel constantly uncomfortable and unsure whenever I have to buy clothes in person. I did lose 15 kilos last year but I lost the motivation and have put nearly all of it back on. I struggle so much with weight loss as to lose any weight with my metabolism, I have to eat very little and work out constantly to see any results. However, I can’t work out in a gym as I’m still to self conscious and as i don’t live by myself I can’t control what food is in the cupboard. I know these reasons just sound like excuses, which they probably are… but food to me is such a big part of my life. I eat when I’m bored and given that I don’t have much of a social or work life I’m constantly at home except for University so I’m always snaking. I also struggle with motivation and being consistent with working out which hinders may ability to lose weight. Now, why is this such an issue? because being over weight has stopped me from doing everything and not have confidence in my self has lead me to have many regrets in life. As soon my old friends and I became 15- 16 my life started to change drastically. I wasn’t invited to parties other than birthdays and didn’t have those fun teenage years except a few occasion which I always longed for. Furthermore, I’ve never kissed or had sex with a guy and have never really talked either online or in person much at all to any guys either, I also have never had a friendship with any males my age what so ever. I feel so left out of everything people my age are doing and I never go on social media anymore, as every time I open either Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat I just feel immensely sad and insecure. Every time I open social media all I see are people from my high school doing something with their life whether that be graduating university, travelling, hanging out with friends, being in long term relationships etc I’m struck in the same place doing the same things I was going when I was 16 years old and I feel like I haven’t experienced-life and I have let go of so many opportunities or stopped myself from putting myself out there and doing things I want to do because of my weight and insecurities. Because I have isolated myself from the world even before the pandemic I’ve lost a part of myself and my personality and I have become boring and have nothing interesting about me that would make anyone stay.
I’m just a fat, ugly, boring human being who is full of regret and has wasted their life being fat, not doing anything, doing a degree I’m not interested in anymore, having no social life and not have any life experience in general.
I’m just fucked and at a point in my life we’re I don’t know what I’m going to do…
So thats everything I know nobody is really going to care but I feel like I needed to get this off my chest as it had been playing in the back of my mind the past few months and years to be honest and going into my final year has just pushed me passed the breaking point and added more stress onto the fact that I’m unhappy with the way my life has turned out 😞
So thats me....