babymikolover @zoezoazia - Tumblr Blog

RECOGNITION

contains: stepmom!pazzi. mommy issues. slight daddy issues. lesbophobia. drunkenness. throwing up. smut. slight age gap (p is early twenties, a is early thirties) mommy kink. praise kink. service top!p. hailey bieber level plotting. a man getting his hoe snatched by his daughter. a fade to black ending

word count: 20k

niyah speaks: this took a lot out of me because i have been going through thee fucking ringer. plot and moodboard by @hcneymooners. sorry it's so long, but also i'm not sorry at all lol low-key proud of myself. proofread (sorta) this time guys. love ya, enjoy.

SPRING BREAK

paige met azzi during the spring break of her junior year of college. she was twenty-one then, and when her father told her that he had a new girlfriend, paige didn’t think much of it.

when she was kid, she’d gotten attached to nearly every woman her father introduced her to. she chalked it up to her biological mother’s coldness towards her (she used her three psych credits to form the conclusion that she was just desperate for a mother figure.)

by the time she was twelve, paige learned that they never stayed and they never called her like they promised. so she stopped letting herself get close. she looked at them more as temporary visitors rather than nurturers or authoritative figures. she figured out that they came and went, and nothing lasted forever with her dad.

when she got to her childhood home, there was no one to greet her. it wasn’t shocking, and she didn’t take offense because she knew her father wasn’t a homebody and that he made it a point to eat lunch at the same place every single weekday. she just took her suitcase to her bedroom and taken a shower to wash the plane ride and uber off of her.

when she got out, she looked in the mirror and decided she’d spend that week trying to bulk up. she wanted to be bigger. she was too thin and she drowned in her basketball uniform. she figured that would be her excuse for being away from home all week.

she had no intention of making this a spring break to remember. she didn’t enjoy spending copious amounts of time with her father, or walking on eggshells around her mother. the gym would be the perfect safe space.

by the time she’d showered and braided her hair and gotten dressed and put on deodorant , she’d heard rustling from the front of her house.

her father was home.

she took her time on the journey from her bedroom. she eyed the pictures on the walls, tried to remember every moment that each frame encapsulated.

she paid special attention to her senior pictures. only four years had gone by, but alot changed between seventeen and twenty-one. she’d never wear jeans that tight again, would never be caught dead in a flannel that pink.

“you were still just a kid, then.” she didn’t hear her father creep beside her, and she didn’t register his presence until his hand was clasped on her shoulder. “you wanted to wear sweats for your photos— fully ready to die on that hill.”

paige had learned to bite the bullet since she’d went to college. her freshman year, she beat the demons of bisexuality and dipped her toe into the men's section of every online shopping site.

it was covid, she was a baby lesbian. she was stubborn and unwilling to listen to reason. she’d freshly figured out who she was, newly solidified herself within her own identity.

college did that to you, she learned. it had a way of thrusting you into yourself and you had no choice but to deal with it.

when she came home for christmas, her mom asked what boy broke her heart. because, of course it had to have been heartbreak that spurred such a dramatic change. it was totally unexpected for her six-foot daughter, who was away at a D1 college on a full basketball scholarship, to realize she was a lesbian who preferred to present as masculine.

she’d overheard her dad telling his girlfriend at the time that this was another one of her things. like when she dyed her hair purple, or took up painting.

she’d heard the you haven’t found the right man speech four times in the last four years. it wasn’t one she was interested in listening to again.

“yeah, well.” she turned to face him, “did you enjoy your lunch?”

“uh, yeah, sorry i missed you getting here.” he fixed his gaze to the front of the home, “azzi brought you something.”

paige had no idea who ‘azzi’ was, or why she felt inclined to bring her food, so she cut her eyes at her father.

“azzi?” he repeated the name like that would ignite some sort of familiarity. when he realized that it wasn’t clicking, he sighed and gave a you’re so silly smile. “my girlfriend, paige.”

paige had honestly forgotten that she was supposed to be meeting her, but something tightened in her chest at the realization.

“oh,” she forced herself to seem neutral because neutrality was better than dread. “right.”

she followed her dad down the rest of the hallway and thought about how there was nothing more ridiculous than the fact that her fifty-something year old father still had girlfriends.

she’d always told herself that she wouldn’t be like that. she wouldn’t have children of divorce or a plethora of exes. she wanted to get it right the first time. she wanted forever— she wanted a wife.

the second they stepped into the kitchen, she realized that she was wrong. in actuality, there was nothing more ridiculous than the fact that her fifty-something year old dad’s girlfriend was clearly too young.

her father never brought home ugly women, so she’d expected this woman to be beautiful, but she wasn’t just beautiful, she was attractive.

she was tall, not as tall as paige, but tall. her hair was in a tight half-bun at the top of her head, but paige could tell she had thick curls. she had warm brown skin that flushed when she turned around and saw her boyfriend and his daughter.

“hello—hi.” she’d stuck her hand out, “i’m azzi.”

azzi had a pretty smile. she had bucked teeth that sunk into her bottom lip while she waited for paige to take her hand.

she took it, and tried not to smile back at her. her hands were warm and soft, like she’d never known discomfort in her whole life. she was the one who moved their hands in a single up and down motion. it was firm and final and when she pulled her hand away, paige never wanted to touch her again.

she turned her attention to the plastic bag on the counter that held her to-go plate.

“paige.” she didn’t mean to sound like a dick when she introduced herself but there was no point in an enthusiastic meet-and-greet. not when she’d be doing the same thing with someone else on thanksgiving.

when she sat down at the kitchen table, paige had to force herself to sit with her legs closed. natural instinct told her to spread out and be comfortable, but she didn't want to be told to sit like a lady, so she crossed her ankles under the table, despite the fact that she was in pajama pants and a beater and there was no chance of someone looking up her skirt.

“your dad’s told me alot about you.” she watched paige pop the styrofoam plate open. “it’s nice to finally meet you.”

paige nodded, never taking her eyes off the chicken and rice.

something about this felt like uncharted territory. azzi wasn't following the script— her voice wasn't obnoxiously high, she wasn't fidgeting with her nerves. she was calm— too calm. she almost seemed indifferent.

luckily, her father's phone started ringing. it seemed that azzi had learned the everyone be silent until he’s done rule because she didn’t say a word. she just watched paige nibble at the food until—

“i gotta go…” of course he did.

who would bob bueckers be if he wasn’t leaving his daughter with unfamiliar women?

“it’s a work thing. they—”

azzi cut him off with a raise of her palm. “it’s okay,” her smile almost seemed genuine, except her teeth were still in her mouth. “just go. me and paige can talk while i make dinner.”

paige shouldn’t care that her dad was leaving because she was supposed to be going as well. the gym was waiting for her. it didn't matter that her dad was taking the car, because she could uber… except she didn't want to go anymore.

all the more reason for her to get the hell out of there.

her dad leaned over the counter and pressed a kiss to azzi’s cheek, “we’ll go shopping monday, hun,” then, he wrapped his arms around paige. “glad you're here, p.”

paige let herself enjoy the hug, she savored that moment where no one cared what she was wearing, or how she was sitting and let herself melt into her dads arms. “love you, dad.”

she meant it.

when he walked out the door, paige turned to azzi, who was doing something in the refrigerator.

“you just ate lunch,” azzi didn't turn around. “why you already making dinner?”

still in the fridge, azzi rummaged until she pulled out a concerningly large tub of butter.

“your father wants duck.” she brought the container to the counter. ‘i don’t know how to cook duck, so i need time for trial and error.”

that was bullshit. her father was the one to cook in all of his relationships. he didn’t trust people to do it right, and he enjoyed listening to everyone tell him how talented he was. even if azzi was a cooker, she wasn’t doing it for paige’s dad.

she wouldn’t air her out. she didn’t care enough to do that, but paige had always been intrigued by liars. perhaps it was her own form of narcissism.

she got up from the table, the goal not being to be closer, but to know more. the bar stool was near enough for paige to see everything. she didn’t know this woman. she needed proximity to learn her tells.

“you cook for him alot?”

azzi dug through a drawer, pulling out a rubber spatula. “not really, no.”

paige was used to over-explaining and over-achieving. azzi seemed like she was more worried about ruining a bird than talking to paige. it was weird, the feeling that she was the one trying to hard for something that wouldn’t last.

she dug her heels into the step of the bar and tried to keep her discomfort under wraps. “why the special occasion?”

azzi shrugged, now armed with a butcher's knife. “dunno.”

it was kind of scary, the way she was prepping and yet she didn’t even have the duck out. paige knew the knife wouldn’t be necessary until the bird was cooked, and that she shouldn’t apply the butter until the duck was stuffed.

paige wanted to warn her. the usual willingness to let someone learn the hard way was nowhere to be found. that was scary enough for the conscious decision to let azzi learn the hard way regardless to be be made.

paige pointed at herself, “for me?”

she thought, for a second, that she sounded like she wanted this. she worried that she sounded like she cared. which, she didn’t. she just felt a little bad. which was a sign of empathy. anyone would feel empathetic when watching a car crash.

that’s what this was— azzi’s relationship with paige’s dad was a car crash in the making. it would end the way they all did, except azzi was Different.

azzi shook her head, still not fucking looking at paige. she had no clue why she wanted azzi to look at her, but the disappointment in her chest was hard to ignore.

“think i just wanted to busy myself. your dad says you’re hardly ever home when you’re home.”

she was doing it so she wouldn’t be bored, it had nothing to with paige or her father. azzi simply did not want to be bored. that was understandable. that was justifiable. paige knew nothing about the woman, but she had the feeling that she should never be bored.

so what the fuck is she doing dating the most boring human on the planet?

it wasn’t paige’s business. she had no reason to want the answer to that question. so she nodded, once, and left her head hanging.

“yeah.” it was a small acknowledgment, enough to confirm paige’s future absence.

azzi laughed, quiet but not in a self deprecating way. like the situation was pathetic, not her need for entertainment. “so i’m going to butcher a duck.”

this is the end, paige thought. this is the end of whatever was going on here.

she stood up and headed to the hallway, leaving the food and azzi behind.

“i’m going to the gym.”

by the time she heard, “have fun, p.” it was already too late to turn around and see if azzi looked as unbothered as she sounded

──

easter dinner was bound to be a disaster of drastic proportions. paige’s parents were those weird divorcees who got along well enough to spend the holidays together for the sake of kid. except, for the past few years, it always ended up feeling like they were only in the same room for paige’s detriment.

not because they didn’t get along. that was never the issue. amy and bob made it a point to never argue in front of paige, as if that would have made her oblivious to their agony towards each other. no, these days, the issue was that they did not approve of paige’s Lifestyle Choices.

when she came out as bisexual, neither of them seemed to care much. they probably thought it was one of paige’s phases, or that she’d end up with a man anyway. and then christmas 2020 happened, and they suddenly were enthralled with who paige planned to spend the rest of her life with.

her mother had convinced her to curl her hair for the family photo instead of wearing a slickback bun. her father told her that there would be no suit because she and her mother always wore matching dresses.

it had been nearly three years of biting her tongue— of wanting to crawl out of her skin for the sake of keeping the peace. paige knew that her parents didn’t like the way she dressed. or the way she talked, sat, and turned down male advances.

and it wasn’t that she just rolled over and did what they wanted. it was just that trying to get them to understand that this is who she was took more than it was worth.

paige’s step family, dan and taylor, never really said much during these meetings either. they’d just passively agreed with whatever amy was saying. they never really acknowledged paige, never wanted to know things about her and always declined the game tickets paige provided.

they didn’t feel like family— none of them did. but then again, only family could make paige feel the way she did.

but this year, easter would be something different. azzi would be there, and paige knew she’d be more focused on the Difference She Could Not Explain than her mother.

her blended family never met up at anyone’s house. they’d always opted for neutral territory— whatever restaurant was open that holiday.

the steakhouse had been reserved for easter. it wasn’t fine dining like her father loved, and it wasn’t homey the way her mother preferred. it was casual in a way that said we’re trying to get a star without seeming like we’re trying.

her parents always reserved the same table. it was in the back with six chairs. paige sat beside azzi, who sat beside her father. her mother, step-dad, and step-sister all sat on the other side.

they’d done their quarterly hello’s. amy smiled when she met azzi, but paige knew her mother’s disapproval when she saw it. azzi didn’t seem bothered by the awkwardness of it all. she shook everyone’s hand and smiled without her teeth. she was quiet and contained when anyone else would have let their nerves scream over the whole building.

when the waiter asked for their drinks, the whole table asked for ice water. except paige, who requested sweet tea with lemon slices on the side. she quickly realized her mistake when her father sucked in a harsh breath and her mother began to wave her hand.

“that’s okay, she’ll just have water.” she had her usual smile on her face, completely oblivious to the look on paige’s face.

paige didn’t speak on her annoyance, but when the waiter left, her mom leaned forward and whispered, “i don’t know why you insist on making things so hard for everyone.”

paige didn’t know why she was whispering. there was no one near them, hardly anyone in the restaurant at all. it was a holiday, everyone was at home having a home cooked meal.

she didn’t answer her mom, hoping that she would be left alone. of course, that was just too much like right, because her father chipped in.

“yeah paige,” he was still nose deep in the menu, as if he was going to order something different this year. “everyone got water. why would you want the waiter to make a whole different drink?”

paige knew this wasn’t worth a clapback. she also knew it was just the beginning of her parent’s nitpicking, so she put her head down and physically retreated into herself. she should have just stayed in storrs, or went to kk’s house. she didn’t know why she always voluntarily put herself through this shit—

“maybe she just wanted something sweet.”

paige’s head popped up then. it was azzi who'd spoken up, brown eyes dead set ahead of her on amy.

she’d hardly spoken to paige the entire week she’d been there. they’d been in the same house, yet paige made sure they were worlds apart. azzi had made no effort to know paige, and yet…

amy flushed beet red. she’d never been confrontational, never pushed the line on anything besides paige. azzi didn’t let up, though. she didn’t blink until paige’s mom buried her face in the menu and asked bob how work was going.

dinner went the way it usually did. paige learned that azzi was an ER nurse, that taylor was set to start nursing school in a few months, and bob didn’t like his new assistant.

it was all noise to paige.

maybe she just wanted something sweet.

azzi had no reason to pipe up, but she stood up for paige. anyone else would have just minded their business. they’d have probably felt bad, but told themselves that this was between parents and their child. but azzi…

it didn’t make sense. they never talked, and the one time they did, azzi seemed as disinterested as paige was pretending to be.

but she spoke. and paige would spend the rest of spring break thinking about how azzi’s lips pushed out the word “sweet”.

she’d been playing with her veggies when her mother addressed her again.

“paige, sweetie,” she tapped the prongs of her fork on the table “sit up. you look like a boy.”

she broke out of her comfortable position and leaned forward so that her ribs were pressed into the table and her feet were under her chair. she didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at her mother. she just did what she was told and went back to her plate.

still her mother continued.

“and what’s with this outfit?” she waved her fork lazily in paige’s direction “i don’t know why you want to look like…”

paige knew what was coming. it happened every single time, and there was no way to avoid it besides re-becoming something she wasn’t. that wasn’t an option— cosplaying a girly bisexual would never be an option again. so paige just braced for impact.

she dropped her fork and sat straight up. with her hands folded between her legs, she steeled her eyes on her mother. “like what, mom?”

“like a—” she lowered her voice, “like a lesbian.”

paige’s sighed.

paige had never outright said i’m actually not bi, i'm a full blown ‘mo, but it didn’t take much to tell. her mother could read between the lines— everyone at that table was able to read between the fucking lines.

“i’m just saying,” amy stabbed a piece of broccoli onto her fork, “you don’t have to broadcast it for everyone to see.”

“mom.” her monotone pitch wasn’t because she was forcing herself to not be upset, she’d just gotten bored of the same conversation every time she came home. “i’m not broadcasting anything i’m just—”

she was cut off by taylor. “you don’t have to argue all the time, paige.”

“i’m not arguing with her.” paige furrowed her brows, “i barely even said anything.”

“but you were going to,” her father chimed in now. “you know yourself, p.”

“your mother just wants what’s best for you, paige.” dan didn’t look up from his plate when he decided to add his two cents. “making a scene all the time isn’t good for anyone.”

“how am i making a scene, though?” paige felt exhausted, even though she knew they were just getting started. “by dressing the way i want to— in clothes i feel comfortable in?”

amy sighed, setting her fork down and looking at paige again. “it’s just inconvenient for everyone when your comfort makes everyone else uncomfortable. who do you think you are to just force this on us for all these years?”

paige reared her head back, like she was dodging a punch. and maybe she actually was, because the words found her anyway. they rippled cross her face like the impact of an actual hit, taking over her whole being and making her head fuzzy.

she should expect shit like this. her mother had wobbled on the line of passive aggressive to flat out homophobic for years, but something about tonight hurt a little worse. it usually felt like a punch to the gut, and paige had built an endurance to that. tonight, felt like a hook to the temple.

she was dizzy and genuinely unsure of if she had the strength to walk away from this in one piece.

everyone kept going, kept agreeing with amy and adding their own issues with paige into the mix, but she just sat there in her chair. she didn’t speak, she didn’t defend herself, she didn’t move— she couldn’t do much of anything besides try and keep her eyes from closing.

if they closed, then paige would be crying.

she heard one voice through all of it.

azzi.

she was making an effort, paige assumed, but she was ultimately unsuccessful. even she wasn’t strong enough to cut through all the tension that spread over the table. she’d been saying paige’s dad’s name. over and over— like he was going to listen to her. he didn't listen though, no one ever did. so, azzi huffed out a tight line of air and sat back in her seat.

paige guessed that this would be her leave— this conversation would be the reason she left. she’d probably say it was because she felt bad for paige, when in reality she was just leaving like everyone else. she’d make paige her scapegoat just like the rest of them.

she was an idiot for thinking azzi would be anything different.

──

the next day, paige woke up before the sun and drove her dad’s car to the gym. her father was still asleep, as was azzi. she just left. her head was still hurting from the night before, her face still felt hot with embarrassment and tears.

she was leaving that night and she planned to stay away from her house until it was time to get her suitcases. she’d uber to the airport. she wasn’t telling anyone bye, or announcing her exit in any way, shape or form.

somehow, someway, paige had lost her edge. she nearly lost herself at dinner, which was something that she didn’t let happen. she’d forged herself into steel years ago, and every time she prepared to return home, she hardened herself even more.

at dinner, she felt shame force itself into her gut and take her over. she’d known what the difference was, the only thing that had changed from the usual was the fact that she seemingly had someone in her corner.

azzi.

she was on paige’s side, which was new. but more than that, azzi had only known the version of paige that was built. she hadn’t known the version that had to be erased to get there.

her mother had ripped that paige out and left her on the table for the vultures to get, and azzi had seen it. azzi watched as everyone picked paige apart and poked at her skeleton. there was nothing that could be done to come back from that.

this woman— who wouldn’t even there for another three months— had seen paige. an outsider had seen it all.

when this ended, she’d walk around with the knowledge that paige wasn’t steel. she’d know forever that there wasn’t a non-chalant bone in her body, and she almost cried when her mom hurt her feelings.

paige left the gym praying that azzi went with her father to lunch. she couldn’t look at her.

when she got home, no one was there. it was a blessing. truly. she didn't stop in the kitchen, or look at the photos in the hallway. she beelined for her room, determined to be out of the house before azzi and her father got back.

her bedroom door was closed. she didn’t close it when she left, which meant someone had been in her room. paige thought the cleaning lady probably left it open, even though she always told her dad to remind her that paige could clean her own room.

bob never cared to remember shit like that. he never cared to remember anything.

only, he might have remembered this time. her room was just as she left it. her desk chair was still facing away from the desk, her duffel bag was still in the middle of the room and her bed was still unmade with the dent of her body molded in the mattress.

but there was a bag. a single gift bag with no label on it. it was brown— not like a paper bag but something expensive that shined when paige turned the light on. there was no bow attached, no card tied to it’s handles. just a brown gift back placed dead center on the bench before her bed.

paige didn’t open it right away. she just stood there staring at it, like something would climb out of it on its own. she wondered who put it there and what was in it. bob was never one for spontaneous presents— he didn’t pay enough attention for shit like that. her mom wouldn’t be over their spat yet, so it wasn’t her. paige was pretty sure taylor and dan hated her, so not them either.

there was azzi. over the past week, there had been azzi. but she didn’t know paige. paige didn’t even know if azzi liked her. so why would she get her a gift? but then again, why would azzi defend her?

the possibility jumpstarted paige’s anticipation enough for her to snatch the bag up and rip the ribbons that tied it shut.

it was clothes, maybe three items. they were folded and stacked in the bag. on top of the top item, though there was a receipt. paige grabbed that first.

POLO RALPH LAUREN ran across the top of the paper in big, bold letters. it was an expensive gift. too expensive for an ER nurse in minnesota. and there were multiple items, so paige decided it definitely wasn’t azzi.

but then she looked at the bottom, where the card information and signature would have been and there it was.

CUSTOMER: Azzi Fudd

************1857

azzi fudd.

azzi had gotten the gift. for paige.

paige dropped the receipt and dug the clothes out of the bag. the top item was heavy and thick. it was meant for cold weather. it was a deep red quarter button sweater. cable-knit. it felt expensive and intentional in paige’s hands. it was a men’s sweater, too. a women’s top would have a curve in the waist, and it would have been lighter.

the second item was a pair of black pants. fancy— slacks or something like that. the fabric wasn’t soft, but it wasn’t rough either. it was textured and smooth. these were made for men, too. the pockets were big.

in the bottom of the bag, there was a package of briefs. a five pack of ralph lauren briefs.

there was no note, no explanation for why azzi had purchased men’s winter clothes for paige. the fact that she’d purchased anything for paige was deserved an explanation. but there was nothing.

just clothes and a gift receipt.

FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND

as expected, paige’s dad wasn’t home when she got there. he was at lunch, same place as usual. paige wasn’t excited to see him, anyway. she wanted a shower and a nap and then to eat so that she wouldn’t have to leave her bedroom until the next day.

but, unexpectedly, someone was sitting on the living room couch with their back to the door. paige didn’t have to see their face to know who it was. she didn’t even have to open the door and enter the house to know. those curls were imprinted on her brain.

her hair was half up-half down, the top secured to the base of her head with a white claw clip. her hair looked soft, moisturized by something too cultured for paige and her midwestern whiteness to know the name of.

several deep breaths were needed before paige could open the door, but when the lock finally turned, azzi turned her head slowly, like there was no urgency to know who it was.

she smiled the same way she did when she and paige first met, with her two front teeth pushing into her bottom lip. she had make-up on, a deep pink lined her lips while a lighter one covered the totality of her mouth. her lashes were longer— long enough to reach just under her brow bone.

“you’re here.” azzi didn’t sound the way she did during spring break. she sounded relieved, almost. she’d been expecting paige. “your dad is having lunch, but he gave me a list.”

obviously, paige was missing something. she didn’t even have the brainwidth to try and figure it out. she was lost looking at azzi’s mouth as she spoke. her mouth and her perfect fucking teeth.

“uh… list for—” she blinked out of her trance. “list for what?”

“for the barbecue?” azzi sounded like this was something paige was supposed to know. “amy's barbecue at the park tomorrow?”

paige felt her whole body kind of reset at the mention of her mother. it all came back to her. easter dinner. azzi’s gift.

she didn't think azzi would even be a topic of conversation anymore, but here she was.

“oh,” paige dropped her duffel at the entrance. “right.”

azzi stood from the couch and turned so she was facing paige completely. “do you need to do anything before we go or are you ready?”

“uh, nah.” paige looked around like a task would magically appear out of thin air. “we can go.”

azzi said nothing else. she just walked around the couch, grabbed her purse off the hook and opened the front door. on the way to the car, paige trailed behind her, watching the way her body moved with every step.

she had a silk shirt on with no sleeves and an open back that showcased the muscles on her back like waves rippling under the skin. her jeans weren’t baggy, but they were loose like they were hanging off of the woman’s hips.

azzi drove without the use of GPS. the drive wasn’t long, maybe 10 minutes. mitski sang about eggshells crumbling, and paige tried not to side-eye azzi.

she felt an uncomfortable calmness in azzi’s car. she didn’t think twice about pushing the seat back so she could slouch and spread her legs. she wasn’t scared to have her phone laying her lap, or to keep her hair in it’s bun. with azzi, she didn’t have to have blonde waves cascading down her back, or perfect posture.

it was quiet besides the music, but not tense. that was the problem. paige wanted to talk— to converse and bond. she had questions, but something told her that conversation with azzi was dangerous for her.

the grocery store was busy, crawling with last minute shoppers grabbing hot dog buns and beers. paige and azzi were not those people. apparently, paige’s dad had left azzi with a list— written sloppily on what used to be an envelope.

paige was pushing the basket but azzi was leading. with one hand gripping the front of the cart, she guided them around. it was all going rather quickly. there was no pausing for long amounts of time, running her eyes over the shelves trying to decide what was needed. bob and his neuroticism had everything on the list specified down to the brand.

azzi pulled paige throughout the store, turning her head every now and then. she’d look at paige with raised brows and her chin tucked into her collarbone, and paige would nod, silently answering whatever question azzi was trying to ask.

they went like that until every item had been retrieved. it felt routine, like they’d done this every weekend.

unsurprisingly, the lines were filled and checkout would take longer than the actual shopping. that uncomfortable calmness was back.

“can i ask you something?” paige starting talking out of no where, causing azzi’s head to whip around so fast it looked like it hurt.

she was so fucking pretty. too pretty for bob— too pretty for anyone. no one would notice the things that paige noticed, they wouldn’t pay as much attention as she did. maybe that was the problem. maybe it was why azzi had barely spoken to paige that day, despite them having been together for over forty-five minutes.

either way, paige didn’t want silence anymore. she wanted to make the uncomfortable calmness a conversation.

azzi smiled her real smile. “yes.”

“that gift— the clothes,” paige looked for the rest of her question in azzi’s face and found nothing. “why’d you do that?”

“you deserve it.” it came out like it was the obvious answer. like azzi and paige weren't virtual strangers, and they had the kind of relationship where they gave each other random gifts for the simple fact that they deserved it.

it was absurd.

paige blinked. “what?”

azzi just looked at paige not angrily or annoyed, but with a tenderness that paige wasn't familiar with. “you deserve to feel comfortable in whatever you wear. your clothes don’t make me uncomfortable— they shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable.”

“oh.”

something about hearing those words, while azzi was looking at her like that, had paige at a loss for words.

she stared at azzi, who despite knowing nothing about paige, was capable of saying the one thing paige thought she’d never hear. she was an ocean of beautiful confusion, and suddenly, paige wanted to drown in her.

azzi kept her eyes on paige. she didn't push paige for a response, didn't say anything at all. she just kept fucking looking.

what was paige supposed to say? what could she say that wouldn’t make her seem like she’d been silently begging for this since she was nineteen?

the answer was nothing. this conversation had to end for the sake of paige’s pride.

she shook her head and tried to put some bass in her voice to counteract the softness that was flooding her. she failed miserably.

“why winter clothes?” her voice came out more choked and grovel-ly than prideful and indifferent.

she’d tried to sound like she didn't care, like she still had no skin in the game and nothing to lose. but she knew the look on her face said she had everything to lose. she just hoped that it didn't also say she was considering losing it in azzi.

the difference in azzi was becoming abundantly clear. it was sickening and it made paige’s head spin in the best way.

she watched azzi close her eyes and open them again. it wasn’t a blink. it was something slower and more intentional than that.

“bob told me about the christmas photo situation that happened a few years ago.” that smile stretched across azzi’s face once again. “i want you to like what you wear in the picture this year.”

of course he did. of course he’d told her about one the most embarrassing moments of paige’s life. he’d probably brought it up in casual conversation, too. it probably wasn’t that big of a deal to him. actually, paige knew it wasn’t. nothing was that big of a deal to her father.

azzi had got those clothes because she felt bad for paige. and if it was anyone else, paige would have gotten pissed off. she’d have demanded that azzi take the clothes back, and told her that she didn’t need her sympathy.

but something in paige lit up. something bloomed at the concept of having this woman’s sympathy. she could have just minded her business. she could have been like everyone else and pretended not to see what was going on between paige and her parents. but she didn’t.

she’d wear that outfit for christmas this year. she’d wear it all— down to the fucking briefs. she’d argue with her father and tell her mother to go to fucking hell, because azzi wanted her to like what she wore in the photo this year.

azzi was moving. it took four steps for her to get around the basket but she took another one anyway. she and paige were nearly chest-to-chest. “did they fit?”

paige almost didn’t hear a word she said. she was too busy watching azzi’s mouth as it moved. she thought she could feel the wind when azzi blinked. she was painfully aware of everything about the woman in front of her.

“huh?” paige felt hot, like her whole body was beet red with heat. she shoved her hands in her pockets to hide the way her fingers were practically twitching. “sorry i— what was your question?”

she wanted to touch. to tug at one of the curls that laid over azzi’s shoulder. she wanted to smear that pink across azzi’s mouth and kiss the mess away.

azzi didn’t seem to mind that paige was acting like she’d never experienced human interaction. she just shook her head and told paige it was okay before asking her question again.

“i asked if the clothes fit. the ones i got you.”

paige tried the clothes on as soon as she got to storrs. she’d stared at herself in the mirror and tried to figure out the soonest occasion that called for an outfit like that. she’d worn all 5 pairs of the briefs, some of them twice.

“oh, yeah.” she nodded. “yeah, they fit.”

azzi stepped even closer, forcing eye contact with paige. “you didn’t have to return anything?”

paige couldn't take eyes off of azzi’s. she didn't move away from her— she didn't want to.

“nothing.” she spoke lowly, like she wanted no one but azzi to hear her.

“that’s good.” azzi’s teeth poked into her bottom lip. “and you like them?”

paige wanted to laugh. what a ridiculous, basically rhetorical question.

“i love them.” she stood on her tippy toes and rocked back down onto her heels. she just needed movement, otherwise she’d physically jump out of her own body. “thank you.”

azzi kept smiling for a second before she spoke. “anytime, p.”

with that, azzi turned and pushed the basket. they still had a while before it was their turn, but paige was thankful for the separation.

the pull she was feeling towards azzi was beginning to to escalate. it started the second they met, and the proximity was only making it worse.

paige wanted to feel azzi. she needed to know the root of all that tenderness. she needed to know where the softness originated. then, maybe she’d know why she felt so drawn to her. maybe she’d be able to stop herself from doing something colossally stupid.

──

paige didn’t mean to get so drunk.

really.

she’d planned to go to the fourth of july party and take a few shots, maybe share a joint with some high school friends. she planned to have a good night— that’s the whole reason she went to the party. she didn’t want to be around her family. she just wanted one good fucking day in her hometown.

but of course, she never got anything she wanted.

her dad made her tell her mom that she wasn’t going to the barbecue. he said he didn’t want to be the one to deal with her mouth, even though amy had never so much as given bob a dirty look. but paige called anyway, deciding that if worst came to worst, she could always hang up the phone and go about her night

her mother was pissed, but not like she was at dinner. her mom was angry in that i know you’re not coming, so i’m gonna make you hurt kind of way.

paige didn’t hang up, she sat there curled in a ball with the phone to her ear and listened to her mother berate her. her fingers popped around her duvet, her eyes salted her pillows with tears as she listened.

paige felt that small crack in her chest expand just a little bit more. she felt so… wide. so open and empty.

she went to that party wanting to be full. so she drank more than she’d planned to. she danced until she couldn’t breathe. she flirted with the same girl all night.

the girl was pretty. paige never got her name, but she was short and her smile was bright. she left without telling paige bye, though. not that paige minded, she was too busy knocking back bombpop flavored jungle juice and chasing it with red, white & blue jello shots.

by the time her uber came, paige had given herself a field sobriety test and failed miserably. she couldn’t walk in a straight line, she couldn’t even say the alphabet in the original order, much less backwards, and she poked herself in the eye while trying to touch her finger to her nose.

she was drunk. beautifully, undeniably wasted.

she asked the uber driver if she could roll her window down, and the man said sure and asked her not to throw up in his back seat.

the car ride made her sick. the fresh-air did nothing to calm the nausea swirling in her belly or the burning in her chest. she felt her head get light and then heavy and then light again. her eyelids felt too heavy to keep them open for the entire ride.

she didn’t realize she’d gotten home until the driver banged on the seat in front of her. her eyes popped open and she flew forward, causing her head to feel like it was going to fall off her shoulders. it took her a second and more than three deep breaths to be ready to get out of the car, and when she did, she nearly fell.

paige wasn’t a sloppy drunk. she’d never been one to black-out, or make mistakes she could blame on alcohol. but tonight, she felt like she wasn't gonna make it into the house.

she wasn't even enjoying her drunk anymore. she was so hot, so heavy and so fucking tired.

the front door was unlocked, which she was grateful for because she couldn't remember which pocket her keys were in. she tried to be quiet, but her foot dragged over the doorstep, which made her begin to fall.

she didn't fall, thankfully. azzi caught her. tall, beautiful, Different azzi with her strong hands caught paige and pulled her back on solid ground. she moved paige’s body with ease, grabbing her just below the shoulders and guiding her back up right.

for a moment, paige could do nothing but stand there with azzi’s hands on her arms gripping them like she was scared to let go. her eyes were wide. her usually styled curls were piled on top of her head in a frizzy bun.

paige was too drunk for azzi to be wearing the pajamas that she was wearing. it was a pink— soft pink that almost looked white— camisole dress. it was so short, stopping way before azzi’s knees with a shallow v neck.

paige felt her mouth begin to water, and she didn’t know if it was because of azzi, or because she was about to projectile vomit. she couldn’t act on either one. she couldn’t drool over azzi and she couldn’t ruin this fucking dress.

she was already hot and azzi’s hands on her weren't helping but she wanted azzi to keep touching her. to always feel the heat of her palms.

“you’re up.” it was supposed to come out like a question, but paige was more focused on trying to actually say the words than her tone of voice.

azzi nodded, flexing her fingers around the meat of paige’s arms. “i was waiting for you.”

paige nodded, meaning to say something about what azzi said, but the movement made her dizzy and the reason her mouth started water became clear.

“i’m gonna be sick.” she jumped backwards for the sake of azzi’s dress.

azzi took a step forward, placing her hand on paige’s back. “let’s go to the bathroom.” she stepped to the side of her. “c’mon, p let’s go to the bathroom.”

paige didn’t nod again, but she took a slow step forward. she’d have gone wherever azzi took her because she didn’t have it in her to think about whether things were ideas or bad.

Sober Paige would have avoided close proximity to azzi, but Drunk Paige told herself she could handle it— that she’d much rather be guided off a cliff by azzi, than stumble to the bathroom alone. so, she just walked and turned three corners, not remembering if that was really the path to her bathroom.

azzi guided her the whole way with the softest press between the shoulder blades. she kept a hand on paige’s hip, steering her for every turn and keeping her up right. her grip wasn’t hard and she didn’t seem annoyed but there was firmness in her thumbs that made paige try a little harder to not knock into the walls.

azzi didn’t let paige go until they made it to the bathroom, and even then, she helped her sit on the toilet lid before closing the door and turning the light on.

it seemed like azzi knew what it was like to be drunk and blinded by bright lights, because she didn't tirn the big light on. she opted for the lights on paige’s mirror, which filled bathroom with a warm orange glow.

paige leaned against the tank of the toilet, trying her absolute hardest to keep her head from falling back. “i think i have alcohol poisoning.”

azzi was at the counter, pulling something out from under the sink. “do you feel hot or cold?”

paige watched from the toilet as azzi rummaged through the bathroom. she didn’t know what she was doing, she just looked so sure. like everything she was doing had a purpose.

“hot.” paige blinked. “really fucking hot.”

azzi turned the sink on with a deep sigh, “you don’t have alcohol poisoning. people who have alcohol poisoning feel hypothermic.”

she was relieved, paige noticed. her shoulders relaxed when she said it.

paige followed her every movement, catching the way her nightdress clung to her body. paige was a fan, so she said so.

“i like your dress.” inside thoughts were no longer inside thoughts, apparently.

azzi turned and smiled, still messing with things on the counter.

“pink is like,” paige paused to swallow the sour taste in her mouth. “your color.”

azzi smiled again and moved so she was standing in front of paige. “it’s my favorite.” then, she pressed something cold and wet against paige’s chest.

any other person would have jumped back at the unexpected contact, but paige leaned in. it was a nearly painful contrast— the heat of her body versus the coolness of the rag. she felt her face get even hotter and she knew that whatever was spreading in her chest wasn’t because of the rag— it was because of the woman holding it.

paige craned her neck so she could look at azzi’s face instead of her chest. she was too close— closer than she’d ever been before. she was dizzy and nauseous but she’d pretend she wasn’t if it meant she could keep looking.

azzi had waited up for her. it was the middle of the night, and azzi had waited up for paige. she didn’t think twice about helping her and she didn’t seem annoyed, she wasn’t rushing the process. she was just standing there, giving paige whatever she needed.

“you’re so soft.” the beauty of being drunk was that you didn’t care about the repercussions of your words. paige couldn’t even remember why being around azzi was a bad idea anymore.

there was no facade or distancing. there was just nearness and cold water trickling down her shirt.

“everything is soft like,” paige reached up and touched her own head. “like your hair is so fucking soft and your hands— i love your hands. i saw them when you were trying to make the duck.”

azzi let out a laugh and paige beamed. she really liked when azzi smiled and she loved even more when azzi smiled at her.

“and your smile is soft. when you smile your teeth go into your lip and it looks like someone’s laying on a pillow.”

paige wanted to lay on that pillow. she’d give anything to lay on that fucking pillow.

paige blinked and swallowed that taste again before speaking. “you have soft eyes and your voice is so— yeugh.”

paige interrupted herself with a gag. the taste she’d been trying to swallow had crept it’s way back up her throat. she slapped a hand over her mouth and squeezed her watery eyes shut. it took a minute for her to to shove it back down, but when she opened her eyes again, she was face-to-face with a kneeling azzi.

she put her hand on paige’s shoulder and pulled. “let’s get on the floor.”

paige’s body stiffened at the idea of vomiting in front of azzi. she shook her head and tried to pull it together “no, i’m—” she gagged again, and she decided there was no escaping it. “okay.”

she let azzi nudge her to her knees. the tile was cold and it bit into her knees and paige was becoming more and more overwhelmed by the second.

she slid her hair over her shoulder and leaned over the toilet and forced herself to gag. she just wanted to get over with. she wanted to be done.

but she couldn't throw up. no matter how much she retched, nothing happened. it was humiliating and paige was so dizzy and her stomach was still bubbling.

she didn’t mean to start crying, but the tears began to fall and all she could do was rest her head on her arm, which was laying on the toilet seat.

she felt a hand— azzi’s hand— on her back. she didn't move it, but she didn't have to. it was doing it’s job.

she leaned in so her mouth was beside paige’s war. “what’s wrong, sweetheart?”

paige wanted to cry even harder. azzi had never called her anything but her name, and sudden switch up was an even harder shock to her system.

“i can’t.” she whined. “it won’t come up. i almost yacked all over you and now i can’t.”

none of this was supposed to happen. she was supposed to get tipsy, come home, sleep, and leave the next morning. but things never happened the way paige wanted them to.

“that’s okay.” azzi cooed. “do you need help?”

paige didn't know how azzi was supposed to help in this situation, but she’d have done anything for this to be over, so she nodded and groaned into her elbow.

“okay,” azzi patted paige’s back twice and pulled her so that she was sitting up. “i need you to lean over the toilet an— no not right now. in just a second, i need you to wait just a second, okay?”

paige pushed her hair out of her face and nodded. she was still wet with tears and she felt her bottom lip shaking from trying to keep it together.

“good.” azzi held onto paige’s shoulders and rubbed her thumbs along the sides of her neck. “i need you to lean over the toilet and i’m gonna put my fingers down your throat so you can throw up. is that okay?” paige nodded again. “alright, now lean over.”

she did as she was told, of course. turning to face the toilet again, paige braced her hands on the seat. azzi scooped all of her hair up into her fist and held it at the base of her neck.

“good. now open up for me, sweetheart.”

paige’s whole body locked up. she was too drunk for shit like that, too intoxicated to stop her mind from wandering. but then, azzi tapped two fingers on her chin and her mouth popped open.

she didn't do it hard— she was never rough with the way she moved. azzi slid her fingers into paige’s mouth quickly but gently. she went all the way back, her knuckles brushing against the roof of paige’s mouth. she reached all the way down paige’s throat, waiting for her gag before ripping them out.

paige burned as she emptied herself into the toilet. her eyes burned, her throat burned, her cheeks burned. everything was hot and violent. it burned until she was done, and even then, her body sat at a simmer.

she gasped over the toilet bowl, huffing and puffing and wiping at her face like it would clean her up. she felt awful and gross to the point that a shower might not have helped.

azzi pushed her through it all. she rubbed at her back, patted it at times. she’d said little shit like there you go and you’re doing so good, as if she were cheering her on at a game, and not making sure she didn't pass out in the toilet.

when paige could breath again, all she wanted to lay down and forget any of this ever happened. she moved to get to her feet, stumbling on the way. she got there eventually, and that was the point.

azzi guided paige to her bedroom the same way she did before— one hand on her hip, one on her back. again, she wasn’t rough, she didn’t speak. she just got paige where she needed to go, and helped her sit at the side of her bed.

“do you want pajama’s, p?”

she had her hands on paige’s shoulders, and her head dipped low so that they were eye-to-eye. she looked tired, her usually big eyes a little smaller. paige felt horrible. this was all her fault— azzi would never be up well after midnight, but here she was. exhausted for the sake of paige.

the tears came again, this time paige didn’t have it in her to fight them off.

azzi caught it immediately, of course. she stood up to her full height, sliding between paige’s knees. she brought her hands to the back of paige’s neck, pulling her in so that she was resting just below azzi’s breasts.

it was comfortable there, warm but not hot. paige let go of herself in those arms. she cried softly, shaking her head for every tear that fell.

azzi ran her hands up the nape of paige’s neck and held her. she asked no questions, but paige couldn't shut herself up if she tried.

“i’m so sorry.” she whined. she was so fucking whiny tonight. “i didn’t mean for this to happen. i swear. it’s just all got fucked up and i’m just sorry. it wasn’t supposed to happen.”

azzi kept rubbing at the back of paige’s neck. “i know, sweetheart.” she let out a breath, and paige felt the exhale against her cheek. “i know.”

she pulled away, looking up at azzi with wet cheeks. azzi looked down at her, still holding her. she still looked tired, but there was something in her eyes— something that made paige nervous.

“are you mad at me?”

god, she needed to go the fuck to sleep. she was drunk and crying and fucking pathetic.

azzi shook her head, her eyes bugged out. “no, paige.” she used her thumb to wipe at paige’s face. “i’m not mad.”

paige kept her eyes on azzi, still. she felt too good to pull away, and she still was worried that azzi was mad. she ran her eyes over every one of azzi’s features, and by the time she’d gotten to her mouth, azzi was smiling.

paige felt a little lighter (which could have just been her drunk taking over her again). she didn’t want azzi to be mad. she was literally crying because azzi looked sleepy. she’d have done whatever in that moment if it meant azzi wasn’t mad.

“i just need you to lay down for me.” she pushed at paige’s shoulders and helped get her feet in the bed. “need you to sleep it off.”

like before, paige did what she was told. she shimmied until her head was on her pillow (an uncomfortable contrast to azzi’s ribcage) and her feet were rubbing together. she was still in her jorts and t-shirt, but she’d worry about that the next day.

“okay.” azzi pushed the cover over paige’s shoulders. “thank you, mommy.”

nobody moved. nobody said a word.

paige nearly started crying again as azzi still held the duvet over her shoulders. she closed her eyes and tried to control herself enough that azzi would think she’d fallen asleep. she was drunk enough for this to be ignored— she prayed that this would be ignored.

maybe paige had fooled her, or maybe azzi was showing grace, but she patted paige’s shoulder twice and squeezed at her bicep with a “goodnight, p.”

and paige waited until she heard her bedroom door close before she turned on her belly and screamed.

──

when paige woke up, she thought the sun was a lazer trying to slice her skull in half. she was beyond hungover— she was hungunder. she shoved her head into her pillows in an attempt to ease the ache behind her eyes. of course, she was unsuccessful.

everything hurt. her mouth tasted like vomit and tequila. it hurt to use her eyes. and worst of all— she’d over-fucking-slept. she didn’t know where the hell her phone was, but she knew it was too bright outside for early morning.

her flight wasn’t until two, but she’d planned to leave the house way earlier than necessary and sleep at the airport. she needed to know how late she was, because if God loved her, her father and azzi would be at lunch already.

she sat up in her bed and patted around her mattress. she was still in her clothes from the night before, but they felt stiffer. her hair was knotted at the scalp, her head was about to explode.

she found her phone charging on her nightstand next to a bottle of ibuprofen and a bottle of white gatorade. paige didn’t have to think about who’d done it.

it was ten thirty-seven in the morning, and her dad wouldn’t be leaving for lunch until twelve.

she wished she forgot what happened last night. she wished she actually did get alcohol poisoning so that she’d have died in her sleep. maybe she could have choked on her vomit if she’d have laid on her back. anything so that she didn’t have to walk out of her bedroom with the knowledge that she’d called her father’s girlfriend mommy the night before in a drunken, tear-induced stupor.

paige would have to leave eventually. she had a boat trip with kk in two days, and she’d be damned if she missed that flight.

technically speaking, azzi was supposed to have been gone. none of her dad’s conquests lasted more than three months, and he’d been seeing azzi since february.

why the fuck was she still with him?

there was no way azzi— who seemed like the most interesting person on the planet— was in love with bob bueckers.

maybe she was like an escort or something. maybe she was gold digging. maybe paige’s dad was sick and dying and azzi had met him at the hospital and swooped in to anna nicole smith him. that made more sense— anything made more sense— than her staying with him because he made her happy.

bob didn’t make anyone happy. he didn’t make anyone feel anything. he was like wonderbread from subway. bland and boring and way too fucking old for someone like azzi. there was no way she was getting what she needed from him.

paige got out of bed and went to the bathroom. she pee’d, she brushed out her hair, she brushed her teeth, she wiped the crust from her eyes. she stared at herself in the mirror and prepared herself for what she was about to walk into.

when she walked into the living room, her father was watching blue bloods. azzi wasn’t sitting with him, and paige couldn’t find a trace of her anywhere.

bob nodded in paige’s direction. “morning.”

she didn’t stop on her way to the kitchen. “hey, dad.”

as she made her coffee, she looked around the kitchen for azzi but there were no dirty dishes, no lipgloss tubes, no hair-ties.

her father shouted from the couch. “‘m surprised you’re still here. you’re usually gone before anyone else wake up on your flight days.”

“yeah i uh—” how did you say i got shitfaced to your father even though you’re over the legal drinking age? “i went a little hard last night. had to sleep it off.”

that worked… right?

she popped her head around the corner and took a sip of her coffee. “where’s azzi?”

still watching tv, her dad shrugged. “oh, she went back to her place this morning.”

“her place?”

“she doesn’t live with me, p.” he laughed. “she’s thirty-one. she has her own house.”

azzi had her own house. of course she did because she was an Adult who worked in an emergency room. she was thirty-one of course she had a house. she was thirty-one.

had bob been to azzi’s house? if she had her own house, why was she always at bob’s? if was an ER nurse and had her own house, why the fuck was she with bob bueckers?

it wasn’t paige’s business— azzi wasn’t paige’s business.

but azzi had made paige her business. with the clothes and the tucking her in. she cared about paige. she asked bob questions about her, so what was the harm in reciprocating energy?

“right.” she nodded. “is it serious? with you and azzi?”

“i dunno,” he shrugged. “she’s nice. can’t cook, but she’s nice.” her dad never looked away from the tv, and that told paige all she needed to know.

azzi wasn’t going to be with him much longer. there was no way someone like her could stand to be around someone like paige’s dad long term.

she leaned back on the couch and thought for a second.

whenever bob’s girlfriends broke up with him, paige usually never saw them again. she’d never wanted to see them again, but azzi was different. paige was older now. she could get azzi’s number. they could talk even when she and bob broke up. that could be normal.

“yeah.” she stood up, coffee in hand. “okay, i’m gonna go pack my bag.”

her dad called down the hallway. “love you!”

“me too, dad.”

FALL BREAK

every time paige came home for thanksgiving, she spent the whole flight thinking about one thing: mac and cheese.

they always ate at the same soul food spot for thanksgiving because it was one of the only places that served actual thanksgiving food on thanksgiving. they had the best mac and cheese, and paige waited all year for it.

this year on her flight home, all she could think about was azzi fudd.

paige spent the last five months learning all google could offer on azzi. she was an ER nurse, which paige already knew, but azzi was also an NP, which meant she made the big bucks. hence the house. she’d never been in a public relationship, but she was a bridesmaid in her best friends wedding, and her date was a brunette masc in a suit that didn’t match the theme. her favorite color was pink. she had a dark pink accent wall in her bedroom and her bedspread was always some shade of pink.

pink is like… your color.

paige had gone through her instagram highlights countless times. she’d memorized azzi’s linkedin. she’d turned her profile views off on tiktok so she could check azzi’s reposts, but she’d never reposted anything.

paige was aware that this was teetering the line of stalking. she knew that Normal people were not this invested in their dad’s girlfriend. but paige was almost positive that azzi would have broken up with bob by now. it was november. no one lasted more than a year with bob, not even paige’s mom.

amy had called paige before her flight to say she was excited to see her. paige never wanted her mother to be excited to see her. shit like that never ended well for her.

she called kk immediately after that to ask if she could spend the holiday in wisconsin. she got cussed out, of course. kk told her that her mom had already started cooking, and that paige had to woman up and just tell her mother to shut the fuck up.

paige would never.

paige never had an issue being confrontational unless it was her mother. she was a one hundred and twenty pound masculine lesbian basketball player. the slick mouth came naturally. but being around family— her biological family, not her chosen one— made paige something she learned she wasn’t.

she became quiet in minnesota. she became softer, more susceptible to bruising. she’d always been the one that someone always had an issue with.

her mom hated when paige started playing basketball. she hated when paige didn’t got to any school dances. she hated when paige refused to wear a dress for her senior pictures. she hated that paige moved twenty hours away for school.

she gotten used to their dance. she didn’t talk, her mother said things, everyone agreed with amy. a few days later, amy would call paige (who had most likely already went back to school) and apologize, while also making it seem like paige was the one in the wrong. she’d ignore everyone’s calls and texts until it was time to come home again, and the cycle would repeat itself.

toxic? yes. routine? also yes.

she mastered avoiding it. she was never home for more than a week at a time, she never called her mother first and she kept an excuse to leave early on lock.

but then azzi came, and paige had someone in her corner. you’d think that having azzi would have made paige feel better—and it did. paige wasn’t so much worried about being dogpiled on as she was about azzi seeing it… again.

paige worked hard so that no one knew how much her mother hurt her. it was why none of her dad’s girlfriends ever spoke up for her, no teachers, no hometown friends. she seemed like she had it— she didn’t even really care. azzi saw that, and still said something. still did something.

it was all paige could think about.

then there was the fourth of july.

you deserve it and open up for me, sweetheart.

what the hell any of that weekend was about was anyone’s guess. but it stuck with paige. she didn’t know how she was supposed to act like it didn’t, but she’d figure it out. she had no choice.

on the uber ride from the airport, paige felt her heart pound. she was nervous. she was excited. she was anticipating. she wanted to see— she wanted azzi.

of course, azzi wasn’t there when paige got home. small conveniences didn’t happen for paige.

she wanted to ask her dad where azzi was and when she’d be coming over but again— that would throw her father off. so she went to her room and thrust her duffel onto her ottoman and unpacked her suitcase. she tried to do it slowly, to convince herself that she didn’t care. except when she finished settling in, and azzi wasn’t there, paige felt like she was going to go insane.

her father, the poor, useless man, was sitting at the kitchen table—like he didn’t have an office— shuffling through papers.

bob was one of those men who you never really know what her does for work, but he always seems to be working. paige was twenty-two and she still had no idea how her father had so much money. she just knew that she’d gotten a brand new car for her sixteenth birthday, and that her let amy keep the house in the divorce because he could buy another one. she’d never been told no because they couldn’t afford something, and her father told her she didn’t need to get a full scholarship if she didn’t want to play basketball in college.

she didn’t care to know about his job, she didn’t know anyone who ever did. he just worked.

but his working was annoying her because he was so calm and she was nearly manic. he knew where azzi was, and he knew when she’d be coming over and he wouldn’t say a damn word about it unless he was asked. he probably didn’t even recognize azzi’s absence— it didn’t effect him the way it affected paige.

he was pissing her off, and she needed to be gone. so she did what any girl in her early twenties did in crisis; she took her dad’s car and went to the mall.

she didn’t really shop, she just walked around and went into the stores she always went into and rummaged through the racks without trying things on.

every time she saw something she liked, she’d pick it up and hold it to her body. she’d imagine it on herself, the way it would fit, the way it would feel on her skin. then she’d picture the face her mother would make if she saw paige in it, and she’d get sick to her stomach and she’d put the clothes back.

the thought of purposely irritating amy made paige sick. but then she thought about azzi’s gift and the plan to rebel for the christmas photo. she smiled at the memory of azzi’s face while she asked paige about the clothes. she wanted her to like them. she wanted her to be comfortable.

“your clothes don’t make me uncomfortable— they shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable.”

paige could have fallen to her knees that day and promised azzi everything she’d ever wanted in life. she’d never experienced anything like what she felt when azzi was around, and her want for that feeling was almost unmanageable.

when paige walked into the jewelry store, she planned on getting her earrings cleaned. they were her first Big Girl purchase, and she’d been walking around aimlessly for about an hour. she needed productivity. she planned to hand the man with the strange mustache the earring and go eat.

she didn’t plan on talking to the man with the mustache and learning his name, nor did she plan on letting him show her jewelry she wasn’t going to buy— she wasn’t going to buy any.

but, he picked up a necklace. silver chain, pink square cut diamond held in place by four prongs. it glittered as john— the salesman's name was john— explained that it was lab grown and he’d give it to her for the bargain price of three hundred and sixty dollars due to the holidays.

paige stared at the necklace with hard, furrowed brows.

“pink is like… your color.”

“it’s my favorite.”

her accountant would have encourage paige to get the price down to an even three hundred, and she probably could have. but she didn’t. she looked john straight in his beady eyes, and asked if they took apple pay.

──

paige woke up on thanksgiving with the feeling that she was going to die that day. she had the worst anxiety she’d had since she was a junior in highschool, and it took her twenty minutes to get out of bed.

she hadn’t seen azzi the entire time she’d been home. it had only been two days, but still. she’d spent the last five month thinking about this woman. she’d spent two days with a necklace she’d bought for her tucked in her top drawer. she’d waited to hear azzi’s voice or smell or hair or see her coat on the rack.

she knew azzi would be at thanksgiving though. she heard her father talking yesterday, telling amy that the reservation was for six, which meant azzi had to be coming.

she got ready for dinner with that in mind. fresh out the shower, she put on deodorant and spritzed her valentino cologne. she looked at herself in mirror, in her calvin briefs and binder, and admired herself.

she’d bulked up like she planned. she’d never get called olive oil, or string bean again. no more sleeper build, no more low stamina. she worked for this body. carved it herself and she was proud of it. she tried to drill that in her brain before it was scrutinized by her entire family.

she wore black denim jeans and a cream button down that was a size too big. paired it with sambas and a silver chain. she slicked her hair into a bun and shoved her glasses on her face with no makeup she’d tried to give calm, when she felt anything but.

she was nervous about her mother, but she was always nervous about her mother. the nausea came with azzi. not knowing why she’d been away. wondering if she’d still be on paige’s side. figuring out how she was going to act like she didn’t want her dad’s girlfriend.

her dad drove them to the restaurant and paige could smell the food before the door was even open. at least she’d have this. food— real comfort food that she’d gorge on while holding back tears.

the table was set the way it always was. amy, dan and taylor on one side. paige and her dad on the other. everyone said their hello’s and pretended like they didn’t hate paige. azzi wasn’t there.

for a while, paige thought she wouldn’t come and that comforted her. she could do this by herself. she always had. she ordered plain water the same way everyone else did, and sat with her back straight and elbows off the table.

she was going to be good tonight.

dan was the first person to address her individually.

“paige, how’s the season going.”

he always asked her about basketball. he played when he was in highschool, and he tried to give her advice, as if she wasn’t playing at higher level than he ever got to. but he was trying, so paige always let it slide.

“uh, we’re good.” she nodded. “we got this freshman— her name’s sarah. she’s already a dog.”

she watched dan nod and pretend to know who she was talking about. her team was five games into their season, and she knew her family knew nothing about it.

she liked it that way. basketball was hers.

taylor perked up, wide eyed and antsy. “what about kk?”

paige watched the way taylor twinkled when she said kk’s name, the way her hand gripped the edge of the table, and she made a mental note to tell kk that her step-sister may or may not have a thing for her.

paige smiled and took a sip of her water. “kk’s good. she’s been in the gym, i think she’d gonna be a problem this season.”

taylor beamed, and amy spoke.

“kk…” paige braced herself, the way she always did before he mother spoke. “i remember her. she’s a good girl. i’m glad she’s progressing.”

paige cracked a little. her mother had never been glad paige was progressing, she’d never thought of paige and said she was a good girl.

kk was a good girl, and she was progressing, but paige was paige bueckers. she was already legendary.

she dug at a scratch in the wooden table and tried not to be jealous of her best friend. “yeah.”

“and you?” amy looked directly at paige and folded her hands. “we saw your GQ magazine thing.”

“did you like it?”

paige knew the answer to that question. she was manspread in a suit on the cover, and dressed like a skater boy by page three. her mom hated it, and paige knew that during the shoot. she liked the way she looked in the mag. she disliked the way they over-lined her lips, but she loved the way the photos turned out.

she knew she’d leave this table hating the entire thing.

her mom closed her eyes and pressed her palms into the table. “i just don’t know why you have to broadcast it, paige.”

she always said that.

broadcast. advertise.

like paige was supposed to hide the fact that she was gay. she’d spent fourteen years in the closet and another six pretending to be bisexual. that wasn’t enough for amy.

“i’m just being me, mom.”

amy shook her head, her bob swaying with every twist. “no, that’s not you.”

she pointed at paige, “you—” then she clutched her chest. “my paige doesn’t dress like a boy on magazine cover while talking about how much she loves God.”

paige could have flown across the table then. she’d only had a few things that were hers. her faith was one of those things, and her mother knew that.

her faith was one of the few things that she kept from her mother. when she was in highschool, she’d go to church and bible study and youth group because it made her feel close to her mom. it was the one thing they could talk about without causing WWIII. her senior year, paige got deeper into hit. she was going to be leaving home, and she needed something to bring her back when she needed it.

now, she was junior in college, and her faith had nothing to do with her mother, or her father or anyone besides her and the God she served. it honestly made sense for amy to try and take that from her.

she watched her mom’s lip shake. she watched dan hide in his cup of water. she watched taylor bury her face in her arms on the table.

she planned on being good. she planned for smooth sailing and calmness.

“me being loving a woman doesn’t have anything to do with—” she couldn’t even get into her speech before being interrupted by her father.

bob put his hand up, pointing in the air. “don’t yell at your mother.”

she screwed her face up and whipped to look at him. she was used to him taking her side, she’d gotten used to their double teams. but being used to something doesn’t make it hurt any less.

no matter how much of a tolerance you build to to something, it’ll find a way to hurt you eventually.

her father shrugged like everything was that simple. “she wants the best for you.”

paige scoffed—or maybe it was a laugh. she couldn’t believe this was still her life. that she signed herself up for this bullshit five time a year.

amy kept going, wagging that fucking finger over paige’s frame. “you just look ridiculous is all—”

the door to the restaurant chimed, and paige became painfully aware of the fact that they hadn’t even ordered yet. she had no food, and she wouldn’t for at least another twenty minutes.

she heard azzi before she saw her. she’d been telling hostess that her party was already there, and thanking her for taking her drink.

when she got to the table, paige could smell her. she smelled like white diamond and powder fresh deodorant.

“i’m so sorry i’m late,” she slid into her seat and shuffled so she was leaning over the table. “my shift ran late and i smelled like hospital.”

paige watched as she spoke. she sucked in every word like it was oxygen. azzi was smiling but not really. she’d grown her hair out and the curls were being held back by a braid secured with a white ribbon. she looked tired, which was probably why she was talking so fast, but despite azzi’s tardiness and chaotic entrance, paige felt herself breathe again.

she nearly cried at the side of the woman. she’d waited days months to see her, and there she was.

she almost pissed herself when azzi looked back at her. it was a small glance, but paige would hold onto it until her dying breath. she didn’t stop looking. not when azzi started asking taylor about nursing school, or when bob said he liked azzi’s jeans, or when dan agreed that azzi looked really nice.

everyone’s attention was on azzi for those moments, but paige… she was learning azzi always had her attention, whether she was in the room or not.

when azzi looked at her, it felt like a glow had been cast over her head and angels from heaven were singing songs in too high of a pitch to be understood.

she looked paige up, down, and up again, and then she smiled.

“i like your shirt, p.” she reached out and ran a hand from paige’s shoulder down to her elbow. “i think it looks good with your skin tone.”

paige almost laughed. she wanted to. she didn’t take her eyes off of azzi, but she knew her mom was about to blow her gasket. azzi hadn’t spoken quietly. she wasn’t subtle in the way she touched paige’s arm.

they just looked at each other and for some odd reason, paige no longer cared about why azzi hadn’t come to see her, nor did she care about how she was going to hide the fact that she wanted this woman more than she wanted to wake up the next morning.

but then azzi blinked and turned away, forcing paige to do the same. she looked at bob, who had his head in his hand, and then at taylor who was smiling behind her glass.

azzi nudged bob, “bob, what’s the matter?”

paige felt her chest puff out just little, because finally the joke wasn’t on her. she leaned back in her chair and manspread like it was dare.

“my mom was just telling me how ridiculous i look in my boy clothes.”

azzi turned the corners of her lips down and raised her brows in a way that said interesting but in a condescending way and paige felt herself get tight between the legs.

“oh, well.” azzi clasped her hands together and sat back in her seat “it’s a good thing it’s not for her, isn’t it?”

there were only a few points in paige’s life where she’d been sure of things.

she knew when she picked up a basketball that she’d never put it down.

after her first salon trip, she knew that she was meant to be a blonde, and she’d spend one day every month making sure she lived in her truth.

when she was sixteen, she made out with a cheerleader in the hotel pool at an away game, and paige knew that she had to break up with her boyfriend, because nothing had ever felt like that before.

that night, paige became undeniably sure of that fact she was going to get azzi. she’d make her feel as good. she was going to make her smile so hard she busted her lip. she was going to fill her with warmth and light and joy.

“yes,” she said. “it’s a great thing it’s not."

──

paige knew azzi was coming home— to bob’s home.

azzi drove a suburu. paige pictured her driving her dogs to the dog park while they messed around in the back of the car. she wondered if azzi kept the AC booming, or if she was a windows down kind of woman.

she wanted to know every minute detail about her. how she drove, how she slept, how she tasted. she suddenly had no interest in pretending she wanted nothing to do with azzi, and she’d realized how dangerous this feeling truly was.

she watched azzi get out of her car. watched her forearms flex as she pulled herself up on the door. watched her shoulders square while she closed the door. watched her jaw move as she made fun of bob’s slow driving.

she made it a point to not say anything on the way inside the house. she made it a point to not say goodnight before speedwalking to her bedroom. she knew azzi would follow her— she needed azzi to follow her.

she was pacing her room when she heard the knock on her baseboard. it was azzi, still in her cardigan, smiling the way paige had been hoping.

she took a singular step into the room, and folded her hands in front of her. “i like the bun.”

paige froze and tried not to say thank you. she could see the lace of azzi’s bra under her mustard yellow tanktop. she didn’t seem like the type for frilly lingerie but paige felt tight all the same.

it dawned on her that the lace wasn’t for her. that it was for a man that didn’t deserve it— a man who wouldn’t appreciate it the way paige would.

she felt her body be flooded with an anger she’d never felt before. something strong and envious that sang i can do anything better than you.

for safety reasons, she didn’t move. she dug her toes into her rug and put her hands in the pockets of her jeans.

“where you been?” she didn’t know if she sounded as desperate as she felt, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

azzi furrowed her brows. her head tilted to the side like she was trying to figure something out, and it made paige uneasy.

“working.” she said. she stepped forward again. “i wanted a little nest egg for the holidays.”

“so it wasn’t because of….” paige didn’t want to say it. saying it would force them to talk about it. if she trailed off, the answer would be yes or no and there’s be no need for expanding.

azzi chewed at her bottom lip, but paige could see her grin. the tips of her ears grew hot with embarrassment, but she didn’t feel ashamed. not anymore.

azzi shook her head. “of course not.” she sounded like she was telling the truth, but she looked like there was something she wasn’t saying. “i wanted to see you.”

paige almost came. she scratched at her thigh through her pockets and looked at the ground.

“thought you were avoiding me.” she regretted the words as soon as she said them. she wasn’t used to wanting to be this vulnerable. she wasn’t used to wanting to see someone. she wasn’t used to wanting to be seen by someone.

she felt azzi’s hand on her shoulder and lifted her head. she didn’t know when she’d gotten so close, but that seemed to be the running theme.

“i promise you i wasn’t.” she leaned up close so paige could see the black speckled in her eyes. “i was working graveyards and sleeping.”

they were inches apart. paige couldn’t breath from holding in everything she wasn’t supposed to want out loud. it was like a single inhale would cross a boundary. they hadn’t done that. yet.

azzi was looking at her like it was the most important thing in the world for paige to know that she wasn’t avoiding. it was the most important thing, at least to paige.

again, for safety reasons, she took a step back. “i got you something.”

the necklace. it was in her underwear drawer, in a long back velvet box that cost paige another twenty six dollars.

the space between them felt like a life raft. she could breathe again. she felt azzi’s eyes on her as she made her way to her dresser, or maybe that was just wishful thinking. she moved slower just to feel those eyes burning into the back of her head.

she pulled the box out and looked at it. she looked at the way her hands held the box, the way the velvet felt on her fingertips. it was soft but if she pushed even a little, she’d be met with a hardness. she wondered if she pushed into azzi, would she be met with the same hardness.

she showed azzi the necklace like a presentation. she shoved at her the way a child would while displaying their macaroni art. azzi didn’t take the box out of her hand, she just flipped the top open and pushed out a breath.

“paige,” she touched the diamond at the center and ran her finger around it slowly. paige watched the way her finger trembled, the gentleness she used.

she brought her eyes to azzi’s face and studied the vein in her forehead. she looked perplexed. not upset, not happy, but confused. “d’you like it?”

azzi looked up at her and balled her hand into a fist. she smiled her real smile and nodded, and paige nearly jumped for joy.

she needed that. the validation and the acceptance. she feared she would always need that and she feared she would only need it from azzi.

“i do.” azzi grabbed paige’s wrist. she didn’t squeeze, but her touch was enough for the hairs there to stand up. “put it on me.”

she turned and held her braid over her shoulder. paige’s first instinct was to step into her. to press her front to azzi’s back and pop every personal bubble. she didn’t do that, obviously. she was a gentlewoman.

kinda.

azzi’s hair smelled like hibiscus and honey. she had a tattoo on the back of her neck. paige traced the infinity symbol without touching it. what was infinite for azzi fudd?

she watched azzi’s shoulders rise and fall from behind her. watched her take the smallest step back. felt her ass press into paige’s thighs.

she put the necklace on azzi, letting her hands rest on her shoulders after. she wanted to push the cardigan off and feel the heat of azzi’s skin. she wanted her hands on azzi’s hips instead of her shoulders. she wanted— she just wanted.

azzi turned around, and paige used the guise of adjusting the necklace as a reason to keep touching her. she started at the clasp and dragged her fingers all the way down past the dips of azzi’s collarbones to the center of her chest. she tapped the pendant, then rubbed circles on the skin around it, all while not allowing herself eye contact.

she was right though. pink was azzi's color.

she felt azzi breath under her finger. she felt her chest rise and fall and rise and stay.

paige brought her eyes up to meet azzi’s and she knew then that she felt it too. it was the kind of intensity that had to be reciprocated in order to be felt.

azzi was breathing through her mouth, paige could feel it on her neck. she felt everything and she planned on feeling so much more.

azzi spoke but not really. it was more of a rasp than anything, but she let out a low. “paige.”

“hm?”

she didn’t know that that was supposed to do. if it was a warning, it hadn’t been heeded. it only made paige close her eyes and picture her name tumbling from those pouty lips again and again and again.

“i don’t thi—”

paige swallowed the rest of that sentence. whatever azzi didn’t think wasn’t necessary.

azzi’s lips were as soft as they looked. soft and smooth but firm in the way they wrapped around paige’s. she didn’t kiss back immediately, but when she did, paige all but fell to her knees at the feeling.

she wrapped her arms around azzi’s waist, tugging the woman into her. she groaned into the kiss, her whole body languid. she felt azzi’s hands at the back of her head, fingers sliding beneath her bun.

without pulling away, paige guided azzi’s cardigan off of her shoulders. she pushed the bottom of her tanktop up just enough for her thumbs to be touching skin. azzi was hot and panting and paige wanted to keep her that way.

azzi pulled away and said paige’s name. she didn’t say it with much merit. didn’t push her away. she just said paige and tugged the sides of her button down. paige looked her pretty face for half a second before dipping into the woman’s neck.

azzi sucked in a breath and fisted paige’s shirt. “maybe we— hm,”

paige worked at her neck; kissing and sucking and licking and biting at the skin until azzi’s whole body shook in her hands.

“maybe we what?”

azzi moaned again, pulling paige further into her. “i just think—”

paige kissed her lips because there was no way the sentence was going to be productive.

“we can think later.” she kissed her again, longer this time. “we can think all day tomorrow.”

she didn’t plan on thinking the next day either, but that wasn’t the point. the point was that she could feel azzi and she felt too good for distractions.

“lemme have you tonight.” she kissed her again, unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans. “just wanna make you feel good.”

she didn’t touch azzi, at least not the way she do desperately wanted to. no, she was going to drag this out, make it last.

she tugged at the trim of azzi’s panties and smiled when the woman curled over, resting her head on paige’s shoulder with the quietest moan.

“wanna make you happy, az.” she tugged again, and this time, azzi’s hips bucked into paige.

she edged her fingers into azzi’s pants, cupping her pussy over her underwear. “make you cum,”

azzi shuddered and paige pulled her hand away. she stepped back entirely, looking azzi in the eyes, so she could see the severity of the situation.

“lemme have you.” she pleaded, kissing the center of azzi’s chest, right under her necklace. “please.”

azzi nodded, stepping up at the same time paige did. the two crashed into each other holding one another as tightly as they could while simultaneously fucking each other’s mouths.

paige felt azzi’s nails drag against her skin as she pulled her shirt off. she tugged back into place by the waist and kissed her again, leading them to the bed.

azzi sat, fully clothed on the bed, looking up at paige with those big brown eyes. pupil blown out, lip combo smeared, braid halfway undone. she was so perfect, it was impossible to make a mess of her. paige was nearly foaming at the mouth. she stood over azzi trying to catch her breath, which was pointless because every time azzi blinked, paige choked again.

azzi broke the silence. “p?”

still staring in her daze, paige raised a brow. “hm?”

azzi grabbed paige’s hips, splaying her hands over the skin. she was grinning like she hadn’t tried to shut this down two minutes ago. she pressed a kiss to one of paige’s hips, then to the other, sucking on the muscle there.

“i said yes, sweetheart.”

paige fell to her knees, tugging the neckline of azzi’s tanktop down and wrapping her lips around the swell of her breast. she placed her free hand on azzi’s back and pushed her further into her mouth.

aazzi pushed her pussy into paige’s belly, though paige couldn’t imagine it was doing much for her. it was doing wonders for paige though. she was two seconds away from fucking the woman into the ground. she was so needy, panting and searching for something to get her off.

now she gets it. paige thought. she feels the desperation i’ve felt since we met, and she'll never get rid of it.

she put her fingers in azzi’s belt loop, tugging the denim down and off her legs, leaving her underwear soaked and clinging to her pussy. she ran a finger down and watched azzi arch.

“i wanna taste.” she pushed the fabric to the side and pushed her palm to azzi’s clit and they moaned together. “eat you so good you can’t see straight.”

azzi, with her scrunched face and sopping pussy and skin, rolled her hips. she was chasing it— chasing paige. she was so fucked.

“yes.” azzi moaned, still fucking into paige’s palm. “you can. you can taste p, you can— oh fuck.”

paige fell into it, digging her hands into the flesh of azzi’s thighs and taking everything she had into her mouth. paige moaned into azzi’s pussy because she had to.

she was enveloped by it all. the taste of azzi. the smell of azzi. the feel of azzi’s thighs shaking in her hands. the sound of azzi falling apart above her.

she could do this all day. she wasn’t thinking of anything besides the fact that she wanted to stay here. in this bed. feasting on azzi.

she pulled away, smiling when azzi’s hips chased after her mouth. she snatched azzi’s panties off, brought her hand down and slid in her middle finger. azzi keened, arching so that the only part of her body that touched the bed was her head.

paige fucked into her slowly at first— again, trying to drag it out, to make it last. but then azzi started fucking her back, rolling her hips to meet paige.

all paige wanted was to give azzi what she wanted and it seemed like azzi wanted more. paige was just as greedy, so she added her index finger and rolled over azzi’s clit with her thumb.

it was like azzi’s whole body stuttered. her eyes fell closed at the same time that her mouth fell open with an oh my god.

paige watched azzi as her face scrambled into something that could only be described as wanton. she wanted azzi to scream.

she curled her fingers, “does it feel good?”

she knew it felt good. she knew what she was doing to her but she wanted to hear it. she wanted to hear azzi tell her it was good— that she was good.

azzi nodded from above, sliding a hand onto paige’s shoulder and squeezing. “yes— yes,” paige kissed under her belly button, sucking at the skin. “you’re making mommy feel so good, sweetheart.”

paige felt her ears physically perk up. they hadn’t talked about it— what she’d called azzi on the fourth of july. she’d been embarrassed but hearing azzi say it made her feel nothing but hungry.

she stuck her tongue out and licked at azzi’s skin, trailing until she was at her clit again. she licked at her until she felt azzi dripping down her wrist and then she used her whole mouth to suck until azzi’s blunt nails dug into her shoulders.

paige hoped she’d bruise, she wanted this engraved on her forever. her hips dug into the mattress without her permission. she just needed to feel something— anything to relieve the tension between her legs.

she kept fucking and eating and grinding until she thought she wasn’t breathing, and even then, she kept going.

azzi was writhing above her, one hand playing with her tits, the other clutching paige’s shoulder. she was spread so wide, taking it so good and paige was lost. she nodded into azzi’s pussy, breathing through her nose, eyes rolling back at the scent.

“so good,” azzi cried, tightening her legs around paige’s head and grinding. “you’re doing so good.”

paige wondered if the cumming untouched thing actually happened. she was sure she was almost there, still fucking into the mattress like it could fuck back. the humping wasn’t enough, but azzi telling her she was doing good was all she needed.

“please az— i wanna make you cum.” she spat onto her pussy “i need you to cum.”

she dove back in, eating her pussy and fucking her all at once. she was so close to coming herself and the feel of azzi spazzing around her was only pushing her further.

“paige,” azzi gasped, nearly sitting all the way up. “you’re so fucking—”

“i want it,” paige begged. “want you to cum on my face. in my mouth— fuck please, mommy”

azzi sucked in a big breath before her whole body locked up and her leg started twitched around paige’s head. she came quietly, letting out harsh, quiet breaths as she gradually fell back on the bed.

paige kept going because one wasn’t enough. she wanted the taste of azzi’s cum on her tongue forever. azzi was so sensitive, though. so she took her mouth off of her and instead blew lightly on her swollen clit. she added a third finger and watched as her pussy contracted.

azzi locked up again, this time gripping at paige’s disheveled bun. “paigepaigepaigepaigepai—SHIT” she snatched at the girls hair and arched so that her entire neck was on display. “oh shiit, fuck yes, sweetheart, just like that.”

she came on paige’s fingers and paige couldn’t help but to lick at her hand as she was fucking azzi through her orgasm.

she was on a high. the taste of azzi’s cum in her mouth and the sight of it on her fingers and the sound of her gasping for air and the feeling of her hands in paige’s hair— it was all so good.

she came untouched with a shaky groan into azzi’s thigh. she literally came in her pants and she couldn’t care less. she climbed over the woman’s body kissing her lips until she noticed that azzi was still trying to catch her breath, so she kissed down her neck and stopped at the valley between her breasts.

she laid there, breathing azzi in, resting her forehead on the woman’s solar plexus. she matched her breath to azzi’s. she felt that hand in her hair, letting her bun down and rubbing the base of her skull.

paige could have fallen asleep there. but she has so much to say, and so little time to say it. azzi would have to leave her before the night was over. that realization curdled like milk in her chest.

face in azzi’s chest, paige whispered, “i’ve never wanted anyone like i want you.”

azzi’s hand froze in her head, but she corrected quickly stroking again while saying nothing.

“like,” paige laughed a little, “when we first met, all i wanted to do was talk to you. ask you a million questions.”

she felt azzi’s heart pound against her cheek, but she didn't show that she was effected by anything paige had said.

in a raspy, tired voice all azzi said was, “i wanted you to.”

paige thought back to the day they met. when azzi was preparing to butcher the duck they never got to eat. she’d been enamored from the jump, but she’d been callous.

she brought her head up, looking at azzi, who’d already been looking at her.

“i’m sorry i was a dick to you.” she mumbled.

azzi smiled and shook her head like it was the ridiculous thing to say. she brushed a thumb across paige’s chin and pressed it into her bottom lip. “it’s okay, baby.”

paige slept alone that night, wrapped in azzi’s cardigan. she lied when she told azzi they’d think all day the next day. she had a plane to catch and a game to play. she’d be going back to storrs knowing nothing but azzi fudd.

Fuck.

CHRISTMAS BREAK

paige wasn’t the biggest fan of christmas. winter in minnesota wasn’t her favorite thing in the world, and neither was exchanging gifts with her family. but the thing she looked forward to the least was the christmas photo.

every year, her family met at JCPenny in pre-planned outfits. the christmas photo was amy’s chance to show everyone and their grandmothers that she’d done divorce correctly. to flaunt her perfectly blended family.

and paige wanted to give her that. so every year, she put on that stupid red dress and let her mom curl her hair. she wore the heels and the ugly pearl earrings and the pink lip gloss. she’d only tried to do it differently once and that taught paige that obedience was best in regards to her mother.

she promised herself this year would be different. that she’d wear the clothes azzi got her because azzi wanted her to be comfortable— because azzi said she deserved to be comfortable. but her hands were shaking as she looked at the slacks she’d just ironed.

all she could think about was her mother’s face. the disgust and shame.

there was only so much pride you could have in yourself when your mother was disgusted by you. only so much confidence you could walk with when your mother made it her mission to break you.

paige had known how her life would go for a while. she’d never be able to bring a girl home. her mother wouldn’t give her away, and her father wouldn’t walk her down the aisle. her children would never know her family, they’d never look through her baby books or be spoiled by grandma.

she’d been single because she knew the minute she met a girl worth keeping, she’d never see her family again. so she was careful with who she went out with, careful with how she went about relationships.

since she’d been home for christmas, she was sure she’d found that girl— that woman. of course, it just had to be her father’s girlfriend. not only was it a woman paige’s mom liked, but a woman her father had already claimed.

paige slammed her head into her hands and pulled at her hair. she cursed herself for fucking up the routine she’d mastered. she should have stayed away. she should have left the fucking clothes. returned them. burned them. something.

her door opened without a knock.

it was azzi in the dress paige had fucked her in the day before. only now, she had her hair pressed into big curls. “your dad sent me to—” she took one look at paige and lost her sly smirk. “what’s wrong?”

paige crumbled again, shaking her head in her hands. “i can’t do it, az.” she choked out.

azzi put a hand on paige’s shoulder and crouched down in front of her. paige thought her dress was too tight for that to be comfortable. “do what, sweetheart?”

she waved at the outfit spread the mattress beside her. “the c-clothes. i was gonna wear the clothes you got me but i– i can’t.”

she cried some more, not looking at azzi but resting her head on the woman’s forearm.

“hey,” azzi cooed.

paige didn’t respond, she kept crying.

then, firmer this time, azzi said, “look at me, paige.”

paige opened her eyes instantly, popping her head up and trying to pull it together.

azzi held paige’s face in her hands and kissed just beside her nose.

“you can wear whatever you want to.” rubbed at paige’s tears, keeping her brown saucers on paige’s blue ones. “amy doesn’t get a say in what you wear. she doesn’t get a say in who you love. it’s your life— your happiness. not hers. do you understand?”

more tears poured from paige’s eyes. no one had ever said that to her. no one had ever made her feel the way azzi did. security was new to her, as was feeling validated for anything other than throwing a ball in a hoop.

but there azzi was. holding paige and wiping her tears and ruining her lip combo by kissing paige’s face.

paige nodded and tried not to fall apart completely.

“good.” azzi smiled. “now put your clothes on and i’ll see you at the mall. okay?”

paige nodded again and with a wobbly voice said, “okay.”

azzi stood up and peered down at paige before bending and pressing a closed mouth but world shattering kiss to her lips.

“good girl.” she whispered, wiping her makeup off of paige’s lips.

──

paige sat in her dad’s car for fifteen minutes. the mall was packed with children wanting pictures with santa and parents forgetting gifts for family they didn’t really care about. she didn’t need to go inside to know that the people of edina, minnesota were in a frenzy.

the sweater fit her perfectly. the slacks fit her perfectly. the loafers she bought complimented the outfit perfectly. her accessories matched perfectly.

paige looked good. she looked perfect.

she wanted to remember that. she kept saying it.

you look good. this is a good outfit.

this is christmas and festive and azzi knew what she was doing when she bought it.

there is nothing wrong. with your fucking. clothes.

she hadn’t fully convinced herself, but taylor had texted her saying that amy was losing her shit, which meant paige had approximately five minutes before she was disowned and the family photo was taken without her.

when she got to the photography section of the JCPenny, paige saw azzi first. she was talking to taylor and playing with the pink diamond laying on her chest.

her dress was black and tight with a black fur trim around the top and the wrists. you wouldn’t know it was a christmas photoshoot if she didn’t have a ridiculously large red bow at the top of her ponytail. her shoulders were out and dusted with body glitter that paige wanted nothing more than to lick off of her. her had paige’s christmas gift to her on her feet, and small but chunky silver hoops to match her necklace.

looking at azzi laugh, paige thought i can do this.

she stepped in and everyone looked at her. azzi smiled so wide, paige could see her gums. taylor’s eyes bugged out of her head. bob face palmed. dan looked at amy. amy turned fire hydrant red.

“paige.” her mom seethed.

paige sighed and squared her shoulders. “mom.”

“we don’t have time for this,” her mom approached her and pushed at her bicep. she pointed to the door. “go change.”

she shrugged her mother off of her. “this is what i’m wearing, mom.”

she was standing on it. she looked to azzi, who nodded in solidarity. taylor was holding azzi’s hand, squeezing so hard her veins were popping out.

“no it isn’t,” amy shook her head.“go put on the dress i bought you. did you even bring it?”

paige didn’t even take the dress out of it’s box.

“no, i didn’t bring it because this is what i’m wearing.”

shaking her head again, amy pointed at paige’s body. “that’s not appropriate.”

paige deadpanned and tilted her head in dan’s direction. “it’s almost the exact same thing your husband is wearing.”

“paige,” dan sighed, stepping up to the two women. “your mother just wants things to go smoothly. why do you always have to provoke her?”

paige gawked “i’m no-”

“paige’s outfit is perfectly fine.”

she was interrupted by that same firm voice from earlier. azzi stepped up, dragging taylor with her.

“i think you look beautiful,” she smiled at paige before turning to taylor. “doesn’t she look beautiful?”

taylor looked between azzi and her dad with wide eyes. “i— yeah.”

paige nearly dropped her jaw. taylor was a few years younger than paige, but the two had grown up together. they’d never been close. taylor had never been kind to p, but she’d never been rude. she was just always there.

azzi let taylor go and approached amy. “since i met your family, you’ve done nothing but berate your child and make her feel small. for her clothes, for the way she sits, the way she talks.” she counted on her fingers. “it’s pathetic, the way you can’t open your small mind and show compassion to this girl.”

paige couldn’t help but gape at the only person in the history of the universe to defend her. azzi fudd was standing up for her. she was in her mother’s face, lording over her in the heels paige bought her.

the heat in her eyes was fascinating.

“if you’re provoked by your daughter in sweater, that’s a you issue.” she pointed at amy’s head. “all she wants is to make you happy and be herself. i watch her bite her tongue every time you speak because she doesn’t want to provoke you.”

paige could have kissed her and blew shit up even more. she wanted to cry and smile and scream all at once.

“and you.” azzi turned to bob, who’d been scratching his neck this whole time. “you never have her back. you roll over for your ex-wife like a yorkie but tell me how bad you feel for your daughter.”

paige looked at her father, who seemed like he wanted to crawl in a hole.

doesn’t feel good, does it bitch?

azzi looked at bob, then dan, then dead at amy. “you’re all so sick and so sad and i’m tired of watching it.”

she headed to door, but paige’s dad grabbed at her. “azzi wait—”

she shrugged him off, shaking her head. “talk to your kid, robert.”

he turned to paige, who was trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened. “paige?”

not right now, pops.” she shook her head, too, before walking out the door.

she found azzi sitting in the waiting area. she sat beside her, not looking at her.

“thanks.” she mumbled. “i could have defended myself, but thank you.”

azzi shook her head. “they wouldn’t let you.” she cut her eyes like she was still looking at paige’s mom. “ i hate when she doesn’t let you speak.”

paige shrugged. and turned to azzi who still looked homicidal. she rubbed at the woman’s back. “it’s okay.”

she’d been through this a million times. she’d cry about it later. once she was alone and had no choice but to think, paige would cry about this whole thing. she’d imagine comebacks and scream into her pillow and punch her mattress until kingdom came. but for now, she was okay.

“no, it’s not.” azzi insisted, whipping her head to paige. her eyes were red and glossy.

“what gives her the fucking right to talk to you that way?” her voice cracked and she rolled her eyes as she wiped them. “god, and your father is so spineless.”

paige knew she was in love right then. it didn’t matter that azzi wasn’t hers, or that she was eight years older. the logistics were out the window because paige was in love.

“az.” she grabbed both of azzi’s shoulders. “i’m okay for now.”

azzi looked over her face and sniffled. “are you sure?”

paige smiled and nodded. “yes.”

azzi reached across the armrest and took paige in her arms. paige nearly melted. she hugged her back and nuzzled her face into the woman’s neck, inhaling her scent.

she felt peace there. like nothing would hurt ever again. the feeling made her want to do crazy shit, like kiss azzi in the JCPenny photography waiting room.

“i really like you, azzi.” paige blurted out, pulling out the hug but still holding azzi’s elbows.

“like this isn’t just sex for me. i know you’re with my dad right now but we both know you don’t wanna be. you could be with me— i wanna be with you. and i know i’m at school right now but i graduate next year and i’ll be home more often because i’m pretty sure my parents never wanna see me again and— and we can be together, az.”

she sucked in a breath and searched azzi’s face for an answer. the woman was still holding paige’s arms, but she looked so far away. dread took over paige’s entire being.

“what?” she let go of azzi. “you—” her voice broke, “you don’t wanna be with me?”

just the thought had paige nauseous. she’d misread this whole thing. how fucking stupid could she be?

she never got what she wanted and she knew that. she’d known that her whole life. she’d clawed her way through life with scraps of approval and enough false confidence to fill a well. she had a routine. she had a systematic way of going about things and she let this woman— her dad’s fucking girlfriend— give her hope.

she’d fallen for azzi’s whole you deserve it bullshit and let herself get excited. that was the worst part. she knew better. she should have expected this.

she should have expected azzi to stay with bob. paige knew he’d never deserve azzi. that he didn’t have what it took to make her happy. she’d seen azzi happy. she knew azzi’s real smile well, and she’d never seen it directed at bob.

azzi reached for her, “that’s not it—”

paige pulled away from her, causing azzi to stop her sentence. her breath trembled with betrayal.

azzi’s lips parted, whatever she was about to say stuck in her mouth. she went to speak again but the door to the waiting area slammed open.

bob stood at the threshold, eyes bouncing from paige to azzi with a low brows and that stupid, clueless twinkle in his eyes.

and suddenly, time was frozen.

paige looked at her father. her father looked at his girlfriend. his girlfriend looked at paige.

paige felt her heart pounding in her throat. she watched azzi’d face flash with confusion, then guilt, then something softer. and then bob opened his mouth.

“p, can we talk?” her asked, painfully unaware of the clusterfuck he’d just interrupted.

paige opened her mouth. nothing came out.

azzi shifted in her seat, just enough for her knee to brush paige’s. it was like a tether. a small, wordless one, but a tether nonetheless. paige’s heart clenched.

paige looked at her father.

her father looked at his girlfriend.

his girlfriend looked at paige.

🏷️ @kehlaniscript @thaatdigitaldiary @hcneymooners @summer3walker

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