Parenting: Entering the realm of Forever Uncertain
I feel completely lost. Iād like to think that itās just a temporary whim but since the actual journey began and my son was born, literally every side of the fence, where I previously believed that my feet were firmly planted, has been unapologetically pulled out from under me. (I actually thought being pregnant was hard! Ha, believe that)
Today my son is just about 7.5 months old. In just over half a year my ideals have changed so drastically that I almost have a hard time seeing the person that I once was in the mirror every morning. We began co-sleeping after about two and a half months, which I vigorously condemned after being spoon-fed Western-cultural propaganda in sheepās clothing. Even then, I shamed myself into needlessly losing sleep, letting that misinformation invade my thoughts and devaluing my own instincts as a mother.
I have since been forced to surrender my pets to the sanctuary of more appropriate and attentive homes, even though I swore over everything that my dogs were my first babies and they werenāt going anywhere. I made all our lives (including those of the chihuahuas) a living hell for over six months just trying to make it work when I knew the dynamic could only get worse between us.
My son is still exclusively breastfed even though I was unsure whether I even wanted to TRY because of all the misgivings I had concerning my own health and daily comfort. Breastfeeding, at the time, only meant continuing to abstain from the medications that make my life with fibromyalgia functional. Now it means the most outstanding level health my child could experience, strengthens the incredible bond that I have used every iota of strength and determination (as well as complete and total adoration) I have within my being to foster and maintain, and, more importantly, is ABSOLUTELY more important than my discomfort, at least in my own personal belief and situation. These are just a few of the things that I have found myself still in awe about when thinking on my most recent life choices.
What I guess Iām trying to say is, I never believed the hype. How could I? I couldnāt have possibly ever understood how true the words ālife-changingā could ever be and how profoundly different my path would be after choosing to share it with a little life. Over and over I was told that everything would be different and I do believe that it sunk in. At least as far as was possible without actually being in the thick of it. Once I actually set foot on this new path, the one I believed I had been staring at and studying for nearly a year, it was like all the foliage uprooted and ran around. I picked up that puzzle box and shook all the pieces inside until it was unrecognizable. None of the contents had really changed or disappeared, but now it seemed that I was forced to put the whole thing back together after only seeing the finished product.
For the sake of containing my inner monologue and its tendency to ramble on into oblivion, Iāll leave you here, as I feel this new chapter has left me. Feel free to ponder what is really important to you and what it might take to turn those ideals on their heads. I couldnāt have told you until I looked at that little face, until I heard him cry for the first time after he and I were separated, finally, after 9 months to the day of the constant, intense intimacy that we have all experienced as once being a part of another beingās body. In that moment I felt my entire person fall away and it was replaced by an overwhelming uncertainly, where previous there had been only predetermination.
They say that being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have. What you should be told is that it is NOT merely a job, but a discipline, one that will require you not only to adapt but to pioneer when the moment calls. It also is more often than not a trial by fire that requires near constant compromise that is very likely impossible to perform. But you do it, because that is what that little smile deserves.
