I'm in love with a NARCISSIST

Simple housewife just self medicating and trying to survive.

[zombiiecakes]

Maybe I didn't love him the most...

[zombiiecakes]

He left about 3 months ago. Physically. He moved out. He hasn't moved on. He left. But he haunts me daily. How will I ever rid myself of him?

[zombiiecakes]

I meant my promise. You faked yours.

You know what the hardest part is? When I make promises, I do so cause I mean them. When I promised to love you forever, I meant it. The problem is, I didn't realize who you were. I thought my love could save you. I thought I could free you. I tried so hard to love you forever. You didn't let me. And now I'm stuck out of my comfort zone telling myself that this promise is okay to break. Actions speak louder than words. 8 years of actions prove you didn't love me. Now how do I force myself to make nothing of the words?

[zombiiecakes]

Haiku(not really, but fuck off)

My husband lies to go check out strippers I got guys with stripper girlfriends trying to cheat on them with me I hate men

[zombiiecakes]

All I wanted to do was love you Love someone I wanted to give love and in return, be loved I had so much to offer So much to give You took took took and never gave back I loved you as long as I could I tried my hardest to overlook every flaw But I can't anymore I'm losing myself I've already lost so much I feel empty I feel cold You took all I had left My heart doesn't beat the same It doesn't love the same I'm not sure what I feel about love anymore Love should have been able to overcome all Love should have been able to replace darkness Love is light But in you, there's only darkness You can't love me You don't love yourself You imitate what you think love is Fake it, act it But you have no clue I believed. For a while Trusted ...loved Not anymore

[zombiiecakes]

Current situation: falling apart 💔

[zombiiecakes]

[zombiiecakes]

[zombiiecakes]

The thing about pain, is it demands to be felt...

[zombiiecakes]

[zombiiecakes]

I like smoking pot, because when my mom ask,

"Have you been crying?"

I can say,

"No, I'm high as shit."

[zombiiecakes]

I finally gave in. Just a little. I mean, this doesn't even count does it? It was just a tiny scratch to calm my mind. Ease my pain. Put me back in control. You can see my scars. I haven’t felt the caress of a blade in over 2 years. I thought I was stronger than this.

[zombiiecakes]

[zombiiecakes]

Today was hell. He showed up at the house and waited outside my window on his knees, until I agreed to talk to him on the phone at least. I told him to leave and go to his mom’s and call me from there. He did.

[zombiiecakes]

I finally threw him out. My heart is in my throat. My hands are shaky. I feel physically sick. But I'm free.

[zombiiecakes]

[zombiiecakes]

I felt hope today. At least I think it was hope, maybe not. It's not a familiar feeling. I don't think I can name this feeling. Well, I was watching a sappy vampire love show and in one scene two unnaturally hot vampires share a passionate kiss, a kiss of true, raw, love. And it hit me. Why can't I have that? Why do I have to believe that I'll never find that?

I don't think my husband has kissed me in 2 years. I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably think he's trying to prank me or something.

Anyways, seeing that embrace gave me this warm feeling of "hope". Like that maybe, if he does finally leave me, the world won't end.