apology regarding 2018
This post is in regards to a callout from 2018, in case you have not read it.
This is going to be lengthy, as I have a lot to apologize for and reflect on after so long, so it will be under a cut. I thank you all for your patience and your time in reading it.
Hello, it’s been awhile; I post this not to beg forgiveness, but to apologize in a more proper way. Both for my sake, and for the sake of the hearts I undoubtedly wounded during the event.
I want to sincerely apologize for how I handled things in the past. In 2018, I was going through an early transition into new beliefs, and I lost myself to my interest in politics and my arrogant stance that “I knew better”. A lot of my beliefs have changed. I’ve gone through extremes since leaving Tumblr on every side, trying to feel my way through the spectrum. Ultimately, I have decided people are always more important than politics. Always. And as much as I spoke about caring in that big, obnoxiously long and drawn-out piece as a page on my blog, it essentially boiled down to “why can’t we agree to disagree?”, and about being unwilling to change my mind for the sake of others. For the sake of a community of friends I had built over years, who had supported me through everything, and who I KNEW wouldn’t agree with my beliefs (for understandable reasons). I hid them because I knew that, I think. It wasn’t clear to me at the time, as I truly thought it wasn’t important, but politics do reveal things about a person and what their values are. I will say I have never lied about the care I had for all of you. I understand it hard to see, given my past actions (which are unquestionably inexcusable), but I was blind to the internal contradiction that it was. I cared, but disconnected the people in my life from my politics because I “didn’t think it should matter”. It does, as I have come to learn. I apologize for the way I handled that, which was (understandably) as a liar and a manipulator. I hadn’t been intentionally doing it, but I acknowledge now that it was what had happened, and that certainly hurt many.
There have been hurtful things said about me, but I understand where they came from; Hell, the tweets I posted were targeting hundreds of people I had following me, and thousands in larger communities. Those tweets were heinous (and still are; my opinions are drastically different now) and I know they were not easy to stomach. I do not excuse them in any way, and I have since learned from them. I apologize to any victims who had been triggered by the tweets. They were harsh and insensitive, and certainly not true. I, in no way, excuse what was said then; your experience is valid, and any reaction you had to my tweets was as well. This also goes for the POC who I hurt with my tweets. It was disgusting of me to post such a thing and to harbor the opinion. I have since learned and come to understand the problems inherent in our system, and I apologize for the pain I caused.
I had been approached a few times about my beliefs; once prior to the callout, asking about my opinions on Kavanaugh, which I went off about on a snap to someone; if said person is reading this, I apologize for the shock of that moment and for my immature handling of it. A second time after, on instagram, regarding my political opinions. I went off in a wretched way. I debated from some place of “moral superiority” (that was certainly not true, though) and said things I know were hurtful to not only that person, but to so, so many connections from this website, and countless others. People who meant something to me. Not citations or studies, not some stupid subjective political opinion, but people.
Deeply, more than anything, I am sorry for the pain I caused this community. I feel like I tore something in everyone’s heart. Not to say I think so highly of myself as being that influential, but because I was someone who projected only positivity, and to have that image ripped apart when reading the disgusting tweets on my twitter no doubt caused harm. I suppressed that then because that’s what I tend to do, but I’ve been reflecting, maturing, and acknowledging what I did and I knew I had to properly apologize. Not type something up about ~uuu why can’t we agree to disagree~~ to post before abandoning the site, but something real. That is what I hope this can be for all of you. It does not change the hurt that it caused at the time, or the person I was then. However, I hope I may be able to demonstrate that I am not that same person with ill in my heart and ignorance of political opinions and their place in the lives of others, especially LGBT and POC.
Also, just to clear the air, I know there was confusion about if I was in the LGBT community or not, or if I was lying. I can clarify I was not, and never have, lied about that. What I identified as at a given life stage was truly a part of my person at the time and what was right for me then. In 2018 when the callout was written, I was growing more comfortable in being feminine, but I still connected heavily with masculine energies and pronouns. The same stands for today. Feel free to ask about this if you have specific questions.
All that said, my political alignment today and since November 2019, not really lies with either party. I have not been a Trump supporter for some time, and view him critically today, especially with much of his harmful rhetoric and actions. My father view(ed/s) him very positively, and part of my reasons for backing him so unquestionably in 2018 was due to his influence. I’ve fallen out of the political scene and I believe it’s especially important now, more than ever, to care for those in our lives and our community. We cannot look to the establishment or any in power. You’ve all kept that in mind from the beginning, and I applaud you for that. I lost myself to politics, and it took me nearly two years to find my way back to something that should be simple to understand.
Thank you all for helping me grow when I needed to. Thank you for the friends I had made, the community I had established, and for the memories. I will not immediately disappear after posting this; I won’t be reblogging anything of course, but I will be checking my inbox and any DMs (they should be open, but please let me know if they’re not!). Anon will be off, as I feel it would be better.
Thank you!
Also, please don’t call me by the name in the callout. That made me really uncomfortable to have my birthname there when I was merely testing it out at the time to see if I could return to it. It did not feel right & it was merely a period of re-experimentation before settling on my identity once more. Please call me Silver. Thank you.
EDIT: I am a nb boy (he/him) & have returned to being comfortable in this identity since 2019/20. I will be transitioning soon. I’d appreciate respect in that regard. Since Summer 2019, I have been seeing a therapist and working through deep rooted trauma which led to the discovery of an incredibly fractured sense of self, which partially manifested in my political views and the hypocrisy and contradiction present in the self that I was on Tumblr in 2018 (happy, accepting, “do-no-evil” vibes) VS the self I portrayed on the twitter rightraichu (judgemental, argumentative, self-absorbed). This is, by NO means, justification for how I acted. Recognizing that I have several conflicting selves within me has helped me to be more attentive to contradictions in who I am, and how manipulative I can be. I recognize and have been working through the false faces I wear when I, in truth, have rather low emotional (not cognitive) empathy. Again, not an excuse, but an explanation I hope might help you understand me. I am, by no means, a healthy or whole person. I have a lot of demons I’m working though. And that is my burden to bear. I am so sorry that I didn’t recognize things sooner and seek help so that I could prevent from ever reaching the point that I did in 2018. But, the past is in the past and all I can do now is recognize that I am figuring myself out. I wish you all the best. Things have been rough lately. I hope everyone has been coping alright. Take care.
