Jude Duarte and Cardan Greenbriar
Jude: If I cannot be better than them, I will become so much worse.
Cardan: If he thought I was bad, I would be so much worse.
“I hate him so much that sometimes when I look at him, I can hardly breathe.”( TCP)—– “And when he kisses me, I feel as though I can finally breathe again.” ( TQON)
“She loved someone else. He’s the one she’s want dead.”( TQON beginning)——- “ You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words. You don’t want me dead.”( TQON)
“Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude Jude.. (..) “
“I am going to keep on defying you. I am going to shame you with my defiance. “
“You really do hate me. Don’t you?”- “Almost as much as you hate me.”
“Most of all, I hate you because I think of you. Often. It’s disgusting, and I can’t stop.”
“Sweet Jude, you’re my dearest punishment”
“ “ You believe I planned your humiliation?” He laughs. „ Me? That sounds like work.”
“For a moment,” he says, “I wondered if it wasn’t you shooting bolts at me.”- I make a face at him. “And what made you decide it wasn’t?” He grins up at me. “They missed.”
“Kiss me again,” he says, drunk and foolish. “Kiss me until I am sick of it.”
“If you’re the sickness, I suppose you can’t also be the cure.”
“I want to tell you so many lies”
“Tell me that you hate me, Jude.”
“And the single last thing in my head: that I like him better than I’ve ever liked anyone and that of all the things he’s ever done to me, making me like him so much is by far the worst.”
“Marry me,” he says. “Become the Queen of Elfhame.”
“I, Cardan, son of Eldred, High King of Elfhame, take you, Jude Duarte, mortal ward of Madoc, to be my bride and my queen. Let us be wed until we wish for it to be otherwise and the crown has passed from our hands.”
“I exile Jude Duarte to the mortal world. Until and unless she is pardoned by the crown, let her not step one foot in Faerie or forfeit her life.”
“I urge you: Come be angry at nearer distance.”
“You are in no mood for games. Very well. I am in no mood for them, either. Let me write is outright: you are pardoned. I revoke your banishment. I rescind my words. Come home. Come home and shout at me. Come home and fight with me. Come home and break my heart, if you must. Just come home.”
“And yet my heart is buried with you in the strange soil of the mortal world, as it was drowned with you in the cold waters of the undersea. It was yours before I could admit it, and yours it shall ever remain.”
„ As you wish. Then I suppose I will have to examine you alone in my chambers.”
„ If I am undressed, he will know me.”
” Jude, you can’t really think I don’t know it’s you. I knew you from the moment you walked into the brugh.”
„Cardan steps in front of me, pulling his cloak up. The metal needles glance off the fabric, falling to the floor. For a moment, we stare at each other, wide-eyed. He looks as surprised as I am that he protected me.”
„Do not touch her. She is my wife, The rightful High Queen of Elfhame. And most definitely not in exile.”
„It was terrifying, watching you fall. I mean, you’re generally terrifying, but I am unused to fearing for you. And then I was furious. I am not sure I have ever been that angry before.”- „Mortals are fragile,”I say.- „Not you,”he says in a way that sounds a little like a lament.”You never break.”
„Well, I was hurt, and yes, you scare me. You’ve always scared me. You gave me every reason to fear your capriciousness and your cruelty. I was afraid of you even when you were tied to that chair in the Court of Shadows. I was afraid of you when I had a knife to your throat. And I am scared of you now. You despised me. When you said you wanted me, it felt like the world had turned upside down… But sending me into exile, that made sense. That was an entirely right-side-up Cardan move. And I hated myself for not seeing it coming. And I hate myself for not seeing what you’re going to do to me next.”
„ This is my room. And that’s my wife.”- „So you keep telling to everyone,”The Bomb says.”But I am going to take out her stitches, and I don’t think you want to watch that.”- „Oh, I don’t know,”I say.”Maybe he’d like to hear me scream.”- „I would,”Cardan says, standing.”And perhaps one day I will.”
„I witnessed Cardan’s being whipped by a human servant at Balekin’s direction. I am sure far worse things happened there, although he has never spoken of them. I rub my thumb over the stub of my missing finger top, bitten off by the one of Madoc’s guards, and realize abruptly that if I told Cardan about it, he might understand. Maybe more than anyone, he’d comprehend the odd mingling of fear and shame I feel- even now- when I think of it. For all our conflicts, there are moments when we understand each other entirely too well.”
“Maybe it isn’t the worst thing to want to be loved, even if you’re not. Even if it hurts. Maybe being human isn’t always being weak. Maybe it was the shame that was the problem.”
“ I recall going to the low Court encampments after Balekin and Madoc’s coup, trying to persuade the lords and ladies and lieges of Faerie to ally with me. It was Cardan who told me which of them to approach, Cardan who gave me enough information about each for me to guess how to best convince them. If anyone can get me through tonight, it’s him.”
„You didn’t come to bed last night”- „I am here now.”
„Is this how you pictured my eventual surrender?”- „Along with some begging on your part. A little light groveling.”He gives me an embarrassed smile.”My fantasies were rife with overweening ambition.”
“Mock me all you like. Whatever I imagined then, now it is I who would beg and grovel for a kind word from your lips. By you, I am forever undone.”
„We have lived in our armor for so long, you and I. And now I am not sure if either of us knows how to remove it.”- „Is this another riddle? And if I answer it, will you go back to kissing me?”
„Madoc says you will duel for love.”- “It’s you I love,”he says.”I spend much of my life guarding my heart. I guarded it so well that I could behave as though I din’t have one at all. Even now, it is a shabby, worm-eathen, and scabrous thing. But it is yours.”He walks to the door to the royal chambers, as though to end the conversation.”You probably guessed as much,”he says. “But just in case you didn’t.”
„Please,”I say to the dirt floor of the brugh, to earth itself. „I will do whatever you want. I will give up the crown. I will make any bargain. Just please fix him. Help me break the curse.”
„ I think about how much cleverer the Bomb is than I am, because when she had her chance, she took it. She told him how she felt. I failed to tell Cardan. And now I never can.”
„What I want is him back, him standing beside me, him laughing at all this. I would settle for even his worst self, his cruelest trickster self, if only he could be here. I think of Cardan’s words in the brugh, before he destroyed the crown: neither loyalty nor love should be compelled. He was right. Of course he was right. And yet, I want the bridle.”
„With my whole heart, I wish Cardan was here. (..) I lift my goblet, and all around, goblets and glasses and horns are raised. „Let us drink to Cardan, our High King, who sacrificed himself for his people.”
„Do you remember the servants that Balekin had? The human servants?”I nod mutely. Of course I remember. I will never forget Sophie and her pockets full of stones.”They’d go missing sometimes, and there were rumors that Cardan hurt them, but it wasn’t true. He’d return them to the mortal world.”I admit, I’m surprised.- „Why?”- „I don’t know! Perhaps to annoy his brother. But you’re human, so I thought you’d like that he did it. And he sent you a gown. For the coronation.”I remember it- the ball gown in the colors of night, with the stark outlines of trees stitched on it and the crystal for stars. A thousand times more beautiful than the dress I commissioned.”
„Cardan, It’s Jude. Jude. You like me, remember? You trust me.” The serpent explodes into motion, sliding fast over the grass in my direction, closing the distance between us. Soldiers scatter. Horses rear up. Toads hop into the shelter of the forest, ignoring their riders. Kelpies run for the sea. I lift the bridle, having nothing else in my hands to defend myself with. I prepare to throw. But the serpent pauses perhaps ten feet from where I am standing, winding around itself. Looking at me with those gold- tipped eyes. I tremble all over. My pals sweat. I know what I must do if I want to vanquish my enemies, but I no longer want to do it. This close to the serpent, I can think only of the bridle sinking into Cardan’s skin, of his being trapped forever. (..)I take another step toward the serpent. And then another. This close, I am stunned all over again by the creature’s sheer size. I raise a wary hand and place it against the black scales. They feel dry and cool against my skin. Its golden eyes have no answer, but I think of Cardan lying beside me on the floor of the royal rooms. I think of his quicksilver smile. I think of how he would hate to be trapped like this. How unfair it would be for me to keep him this way and call it love. „I do love you,”I whisper. „I will always love you.”I tuck the golden bridle into my belt. Two paths are before me, but only one leads to a victory. But I don’t want to win like this. Perhaps I will never live without fear, perhaps power will slip from my grasp, perhaps the pain of losing him will hurt more than I can bear. And yet, if I love him, there’s only one choice.”
„The blade falls, cutting through scales, through flesh and bone. Then the serpent’s head is at my feet, golden eyes dulling. Blood is everywhere. The body of the serpent gives a terrible coiling shudder, then goes limp. I sheath Heartsworn with trembling hands. I am shaking all over, shaking so hard that fall to my knees in the blackened grass, in the carpet of blood. I hear Lord Jarel shout something at me, but I can’t hear it. I think I might be screaming.”
„Cardan takes a step forward, and little cracks appear from his footfalls. Fissures in the very earth. He speaks with a boom that echoes through everyone gathered there.- „The curse is broken. The king is returned.”He’s every bit as terrifying as any serpent. I don’t care. I run into his arms. Cardan’s fingers dig into my back. He’s trembling, and whether it is from ebbing magic of horror, I am not sure. But he hold me as though I am the only solid thing in the world.”
„I haven’t worn anything in days, I don’t see why I ought to start now.”- „Modesty?”I force out, playing along, surprised he can joke about the curse, or anything. He gives me a dazzling, insouciant smile. The kind of smile you can hide behind.- „Every part of me is a delight.” My chest hurts, looking at him. I feel like I can’t breathe. Through he is in front of me, the pain of losing him hasn’t faded.”
„„I don’t know what to apologize for first. Cutting off your head or hesitating so long to do it. I didn’t want to lose what little there was left of you. And I can’t quite think past how wonderous it is that you’re alive.”- „You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words. You don’t want me dead.”- „If you joke about this, I am going to-”- „Kill me?””
„I let go of him and remain standing. I promised myself I would do this, if I ever had the chance again. I promised I would do this the first moment I could. „I love you,”I say, the words coming out in an unintelligible rush. Cardan looks taken aback. Or possibly I spoke so fast he’s not even sure what I said.- „You need not say it out of pity,”he says finally, with great deliberateness.”Or because I was under a curse. I have asked you to lie to me in the past, in this very room, but I would beg you not to lie now.”My cheeks heat at the memory of those lies.”I have not made myself easy to love,”he says. (..) - „I first started liking you when we went to talk to the rulers of the low Court. You were funny, which was weird. And when we went to Hollow Hall, you were clever. I kept remembering how you’d been the one to get us out of the brugh after Dain’s coronation, right before I put that knife to your throat. After I tricked you into being the High King, I thought once you hated me, I could go back to hating you. But I didn’t. And I felt so stupid. I thought I would get my heart broken. I thought it was a weakness that you would use against me. But then you saved me from the Undersea when it would have been much more convenient to just leave me to rot. After that, I started to hope my feelings were returned. But then there was the exile-”I take a ragged breath.”I hid a lot, I guess. I thought if I didn’t, if I let myself love you, I would burn up like a match. Like the whole matchbox.”- „But now you’ve explained it. And you do love me.”- „I love you,”.- „Because I am clever and funny,”he says, smiling.”You didn’t mention my handsomeness.”- „Or your deliciousness. Although those are both good qualities.””
„”And you.”He looks at me, his lips curving in something that’s not quite a smile, it’s more and less than that.”I knew little else, but I always knew you.” And when he kisses me, I feel as though I can finally breathe again.”
„„What did you do?”Cardan asks.- „Beat Grimma Mog in a duel,”I say. He looks at me incredulously.-”He ought to have paid you in gold.”That makes me grin as we walk along the sidewalk.”
„ Heather and Vivi have tied up a silvery banner that reads CONGRATULATIONS, NEWLYWEDS! In bright colors. Under it, on the kitchen table, is an ice-cream cake with scattered gummy snakes on it and several bottles of wine. (..) Vivi blows a noisemaker. - „Here,”she says, passing out paper crowns for us to wear.- „This is ridiculous.”I complain, but put mine on. Cardan looks at his reflection in the door of the microwave and adjusts his crown so it’s at an angle. I roll my eyes, and he gives me a quick grin. And my heart hurts a little because we are all together and safe, and if wasn’t something I’d known how to want. And Cardan looks a little shy in the face of all this happiness, as unused to it as I am.”
„Vivi opens pizza boxes and uncorks a bottle of wine. Oak takes out a slice of the prawn pizza and digs in. I raise a plastic glass. „To family.”- „And Faerieland,”says Taryn, raising hers.- „And pizza,”says Oak.- „And stories,”says Heather.- „And new beginnings,”says Vivi.- Cardan smiles, his gaze on me. „ And scheming great schemes.” To family and Faerieland and pizza and stories and new beginnings and scheming great schemes. I can toast to that.”
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