ZZZZZZ

viewer discretion advised. Trigger warnings apply. This is a vent blog. Sending love to you! :)

[albmami]

Please love me in the softest way, I'm so tired.

[zx-xz]

me when i try to fix my sleep schedule and end up regularly staying up after 4am

[zx-xz]

you know you’re screwed when you try all the things that make you feel better and they don’t even help

[zx-xz]

i’m crashing out right now but i just know in a few days i wont even remember what it’s like to feel this way

[zx-xz]

why does my mental health always go downhill right before i’m about to have a really fun chain of events?

like… dude? why aren’t you excited?

didn’t you want this?

we’re about to have a lot of fun…

and see people we love…

and go on a grand adventure!

… why are you withering?

[zx-xz]

no… i am not okay :)

[zx-xz]

receiving love is hard when it feels like your very existence alone is a vile weapon

[zx-xz]

OCD IS SO STUPID I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLY CORRUPTED SINNER CONSTANTLY UNFORGIVABLE

am i an insult to Jesus Christ for feeling like his sacrifice wasn’t enough to save me?

[zx-xz]

i can never just do what i’m supposed to, i mess everything up.

i tell myself i’m going to quit those bad habits that i hate so much and i do them anyway.

i tell myself to get out of bed just a few minutes earlier and i end up staying in bed until 4pm.

i tell myself to try and eat properly and end up making myself throw up again when i fought so hard to get out of that place.

for once, i thought, i really contemplated, took a step back, a pause, and DECIDED to take the razor anyway. i said i wouldnt do it.

really, there’s a lot of things i said i wouldn’t do.

theres so many past versions of me, and i know every single one of them is disappointed in me.

every person i have been is disappointed of who i have become.

i’m a failure.

i just want to do better. i’ve become intensely kind and dedicated to the wellbeing of others. i’ve become a really good friend. people compliment me on how kind and helpful and supportive i am.

but i tear myself apart in secret and never let friendships go both ways.

one promise i made and kept, “i will never rely on anyone ever again.”

i try really hard to lean on my boyfriend.

i’m not in a good place in this moment. maybe i’ve done better than i think i have.

i wish i could see it. i don’t see anything good in myself. i worry i have never made any progress except for losing it.

all i ever wanted was to stop messing up.

[zx-xz]

are my friends even my friends?

they never call.

we never go out.

they never say anything at all.

i’m left behind.

they are my friends, sure,

but am i theirs?

[zx-xz]

relationship trauma is so freaking horrible

i’m so scared my boyfriend is going to get sick of me

hes NEVER given me ANY reason to think he’d ever give up on me. he loves me genuinely and he communicates that very well.

but at the same time…

ive had times before where my (at the time) best friend told me “you’re too problematic” “you’re always going through something and i’m sick of it” “your mental health sucks and you’re ruining my life”

mind you, i’ve never been an outwardly harsh person. i don’t take out my feelings on other people.

at least i never used to but my head is getting SO FUCKING LOUD THESE DAYS I CANT THINK

and my brain keeps giving me these DREAMS where they are STILL IN MY LIFE AND RETELLING ME ALL THE MEAN AND ABUSIVE THINGS FROM THE PAST.

is this normal? is this how normal people live?

to get constant reminders of every bad thing? no matter how old?

can it be fixed?

does it get better?

is my life for nothing but suffering?

anyway, it’s making it very hard to keep up in my relationship because no matter how understanding and kind and loving and how good of a caretaker my boyfriend is, i still end up feeling rejected and hated and like everything i do is wrong and shameful and disgusting and that i will inevitably ruin his life just like i do with everyone else

[zx-xz]

thank you so much to my delinquent brain for spamming me with dreams of some of the people from my past who used to be my #1s who treated me terribly

like dude it’s been YEARS, why are you bringing this up now?

i went to therapy.

i did the healing.

why are you here again NOW?

smh what a real jerk, bringing all of this back now that my life is finally going well. relational trauma is actually the worst.

[zx-xz]

i’m not winning chat

[brdrlneprsnltydsrdr]

[sa-dnesss]

and just like that, I’m back in the same place I fought so hard to get out of

[zx-xz]

in and out and back and forth and over and over

i mean hey at least there’s an out period, those do exist and i’m grateful for them

but could we please stop falling in again

[zx-xz]

my mental health is literally making me so miserable but i still love my life so im here with a great quality of life and yet gut wrenching pain that makes me fall to my knees screaming almost every time i’m by myself

[zx-xz]

recovering from anorexia just to fall hard into ARFID is so stupid WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY