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This is an RPG thing I am doing, a challenge I guess is the term? If you have interest in a variety of RPGs or game design you might want to consider doing the same thing.
Cosmic Funnies
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PR's Tumblrdome
Stranger Things
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Andulka
Fai_Ryy
Sweet Seals For You, Always

Product Placement

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wallacepolsom
$LAYYYTER
Jules of Nature
The Bowery Presents
I'd rather be in outer space đ¸

oozey mess

Origami Around
we're not kids anymore.

titsay
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@zzarchov
Get more from Zzarchov Kowolski on Patreon
This is an RPG thing I am doing, a challenge I guess is the term? If you have interest in a variety of RPGs or game design you might want to consider doing the same thing.
Fuck you, City of Ur!
If you're dumb enough to buy a cartload of copper this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Ea-Nasir's Imported Metals!
Bad deals! Low grade copper! Thieves!
If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Ea-Nasir's, you can kiss my ass!
It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed!
If you find a better deal, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right, shove it up your ugly ass!
Bring your deposit, bring your sealed tablet, bring your messenger! We'll send him back!
That's right, we'll send your messenger back through enemy territory!Because at Ea-Nasir's, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike to Ea-Nasir's, home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing!
How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment!
Don't wait, don't delay, don't fuck with us, or we'll turn you into a eunuch!
Only at Ea-Nasir's, the only merchant that tells you to fuck off!
Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you make a donation to the palace, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker!
Go to hell! Ea-Nasir's Metals: Sumer's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in Mesopotamia! Guaranteed!
I'm sorry I had to do this. I couldn't not make this sound happen
original by @play-now-my-lord
I decided to turn the original into a meme template because I see a lot of potential in this.
D&D 5e supposedly has a GM shortage and idk maybe if the player culture of the game didn't treat GMing as a thankless job and the rules of the game as an issue to be fixed by the GM maybe things would be better. Ah well, who knows. Maybe a couple hundred more "we ruined the GM's campaign on purpose" memes will make people enjoy running the game better.
From my Bsky rant earlier, a non-exhaustive list of things I've heard people say a "Good DM" should be able to do:
A Good DM would hold their players' hand through parts of the game they don't understand - without expecting them to read the player handbook.
A Good DM would be able to resolve the completely off-the-wall, mechanically unsupported action the player wants to take in this situation.
A Good DM should be able to meticulously craft a heroic fantasy narrative for their players, and happily throw it all out at a moment's notice.
A Good DM would accommodate their players not wanting to use core gameplay mechanics - like resource management - and then easily be able to resolve all the issues that arise from that - like players being able to easily one-shot bosses - without it interfering with the narrative progression.
A Good DM has time to read your 10-paragraph backstories and incorporate all of that, but also pull just as much character-specific story content out of your 1-word backstories.
A Good DM can play therapist for you as you project your real-world issues onto your character.
A Good DM can act as a referee with perfect conflict resolution skills that satisfy all parties, even when one player's only goal in the conflict is to be an asshole and piss someone off.
A Good DM can respond with grace when a player, or the party as a whole, absolutely refuses to engage with the premise of the story.
A Good DM is happy to keep being DM for the same people forever across multiple games, never getting to be a player again.
Man, some people will really just find a replacement for their parents for ten or more years rather than learn some fucking respect, huh?
If any item on that list is an expectation your players have for you, do everyone a favor and leave to get some milk from the store the next session. Then don't go back. Just ghost, in the only way these players will accept.
The last time I DMed for a group of people, I had just a bit of experience from many years prior, and most of them had no experience at all. But I'd built a whole world and loose story and was excited to share it with people, so I got this group together to give it a shot.
I made the mistake of having them start out as strangers, with a grand plan to bring them together as a group. You see, I was under the misapprehension that, having agreed to play this game, they were interested in the world and story I'd set up, and would therefore take the hooks I laid for them and find reasons to work together. Because I was a fool.
When they made their characters, I asked them to fill in some basic info for me, including someone important from their life (who was still living), their greatest goal in life, and what their character's main motivation would be to go on an adventure.
Half the players tried to treat the game like a single-player sandbox video game and got frustrated and accused me of railroading them when I asked them to please not run alone into the woods in the very first scene when the characters have all just met and been given a reason to work together. At the first sign of any kind of danger, one player would simply say "my character is a coward so he would run away" and refuse to take part in anything.
One player specified in my questionnaire that his character thought himself very wise (a devoutly religious monk, in fact), but was actually very foolish, and was the type to get drawn in by get-rich-quick schemes. So I prepared a hook to draw him into the plot involving an NPC trying to sell him on a get-rich-quick scheme... which he promptly refused to engage with because he'd decided that actually his character was too zen to be tempted with worldly possessions.
When I began to get exasperated, several of the players pointed out that a good DM like Brennan Lee Mulligan never seemed to have any trouble adapting to what players wanted to do. They were unreceptive to my counter points that 1) that is his entire job, which he is paid for, and 2) his players are skilled improvisers and all actively working together to tell the best story possible.
I feel I should note that at this time, all of us in this group were in our 30s. And not, say, 14-year-olds who you might expect this entitled attitude from.
After a few sessions of desperately trying to keep the characters in the game at all without totally railroading them, I asked everyone to please watch a couple specific episodes of Adventuring Academy with Brennan Lee Mulligan which were about how to be a good player so that everyone has the best possible experience. I had already told them that I was spending literally 8 hours per week planning these sessions and trying to find ways to keep things going and keep together a group of people who desperately wanted to be brooding loners, and I promised them bonus XP at the start of the next session if they would just watch one or two of these videos.
At the start of the next session, one player proudly announced that he hadn't watched the videos, and that he wouldn't, no matter how I tried to bribe him, because he didn't think that being a player in a tabletop roleplaying game should come with homework.
When reminded (again) that I was spending 8 fucking hours a week planning these sessions, for which I was not being compensated in any way, and which he was making harder, he shrugged and said that it was my idea to start this campaign, so it was up to me to keep it going, and keep the players interested enough to keep showing up.
I don't DM anymore.
Ok, This has convinced me that I should publish my GMing articles into a book or 'zine.
So apparently they took orcs out of the new Monster Manual, and I get their reasoning. Theyâre in the Playerâs Handbook now, and none of the others from that book, like elves or dragonborn, are in the Monster Manual.
But I think this was a mistake. There was actually another solution, something that literally every other edition of the game did. You want to be a return to the old ways, donât you, 5e? I know you do you nasty little freak. So hereâs what you should have done:
Put the other ones back in the Monster Manual.
Humans used to be in the Monster Manual
I got to flip through a 2e Monstrous Compendium (Vol. 1-3) at work today and they were in there, too, my beautiful Men.
WotC took Men out of the Monster Manual (in 2000). Because of woke.
Originally released over forty years ago by the Judges Guild, this adventure has been updated with redrawn maps (Dyson Logos) and the artwork of Chris Huth. The adventure has stats for both Neoclassical Geek Revival and Old School Roleplaying games.
If you recognize the name Corey Cole on the cover, it is indeed the same Corey Cole who went on to co-design the Quest for Glory series. As fans of those games, I was glad to have been able to help return this classic gem to print. This thing even has its own Wikipedia article, that is how you know its good.
Get your copy (digital or physical) here: https://www.neoclassicalgames.com/product-page/tower-of-indomitable-circumstance
Get the award winning fantasy TTRPG about teamwork & exploration
Just a reminder that not only is a store now open, but we have a special discount on all items as a celebratory launch event!
i still unironically love finĂŠ's stupid ugly mansion
"this antebellum plantation in the mountains outside the toyko metro area is a real fixer upper. what it really needs is a gamer pc tower sticking out of its ass"
it looks like a cybertruck is trying to eat it but got full before getting halfway through
still more aesthetically pleasing than 99.99999% of mcmansions
This looks like every time they renovate a historic public building in Ontario.
People who treat D&D's classes as like being in any way representative of fiction outside of D&D are my nemesis, I just saw a post that was like "remember the difference between a Sorcerer a Warlock and a Wizard is this" and treating like those words as if their very D&D specific meanings were like universally accepted I'm going to start taking hostages
"remember as we all know a Paladin is like this" Oh I'm sorry I didn't get the memo that Charlemagne's twelve peers could all use divine smite and divine sense and cast divine sense and summon magic horses. You piece of shit. Don't ever talk to me
"the difference between a Druid and a Cleric" You are nothing. Words mean things here in the real world.
The definitions aren't even consistent across different editions of Dungeons & Dragons. The earliest codified use of the term "sorcerer" in D&D had X-Men style mutant powers rather than being a wizard variant. Druids in 2nd Edition were a militant brotherhood who determined their internal rankings by having anime-style tournament arcs. The bard's first core-book appearance was as as a high-level prestige class for dual-class fighter/druids. If you wanted to be a wizard with a sword in BD&D you had to be an elf, because the race/class split didn't exist, and "elf" was the hybrid arcane caster class. "Warlock" has meant about four different things. If you're trying to universalise these definitions, you aren't just going to be wrong about fantasy fiction more generally, you're also going to be wrong about most iterations of D&D.
Hell, let's look at "wizard" specifically. Over the history of Dungeons & Dragons and its various first-party campaign settings, a "wizard" has variously been:
A spellcaster whose power derives from a mystical attunement with one of the world's three moons, and whose strength waxes and wanes with their chosen moon's phases
A spellcaster whose power derives from draining the life from nearby plants and animals each time they cast a spell, as part of a hilariously unsubtle environmentalist allegory which positions arcane magic as the equivalent of the oil industry
A spellcaster whose power derives from a curse that's slowly warping their body and mind, and if they cast too many spells they'll turn into a werewolf or a Frankenstein monster or some shit
A spellcaster whose power derives from a little elemental familiar; when they want to cast a spell, they need to send their little buddy to fetch the spell (spells are physical objects) from the Elemental Planes, and sometimes it comes back with the wrong spell
Again, this is all just from material the game's publisher has historically seen fit to put their official seal of approval on. The game doesn't even agree with itself about what a wizard is; that's not a great basis for a universal taxonomy!
Wait which setting is that third one from? I recognize Dragonlance, Dark Sun, and Al-Qadim, but not that one.
Originally from Ravenloft, I believe.
(Confusingly, the 2.5E supplement Player's Option: Spells and Magic later renamed the Ravenloft wizard the "warlock", being one of the several different uses of that term I mentioned above.)
I had forgotten about the "Druids are in touch with nature so of course they fight over territory and have such a strict hierarchy that you can't level up past a certain point unless you go find another druid and beat them in ceremonial combat to take their place" thing!
The funny thing about the Druids' fighting each other to rise in their hierarchy thing: it's based on a real-world thing, but one that has nothing to do with Druids and that might actually have been a Roman fabrication.
The high priest of the cult of Diana at Lake Nemi, the Rex Nemorensis, was supposedly a position that could be usurped simply by killing the current high priest. I think Gygax may have gotten the idea from a book called The Golden Bough, a work of comparative mythology from the early 1900s, which proliferated that legend, and simply decided to apply it to Druids in D&D.
As a side note: I did a "Mortal Kombat" style tournament of kirkland brand Thunderdome fights as a periodic thing Druids did in a campaign once (as a dumb Easter egg, as much of the content of my campaigns are) and while it was funny when the player in question realized what was going on, a duel between two (mechanically) healer classes is long and boring as fuck. Great in concept, terrible in execution.
I hate the âopen floor planâ that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I donât need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth
Not just houses. Every building should be like this. Especially restaurants I don't work at but do dine in.
At long last, The Chosen One has been discovered. Working as a cashier. With no interest in doing anything even slightly more difficult.
yeah because there is nothing more difficult than retail
tbh anyone who works/has worked retail would see the chance to go around saving the world in ways that could potentially kill them as a welcome vacation
âDoes the position of Chosen One offer health benefits of any kind?âÂ
âWell, our ragtag gang of world-saving underdogs has a doctor on-team.â
âDo I have to pay her out of pocket, is what Iâm asking.â
âGosh no! Sheâs an idealist, you donât pay her at all!â
âOh! Thatâs nice. But then I guess thereâs no paycheck.â
âI mean, the secret cabal that dispenses our orders does make sure we have enough money to feed ourselves and keep a roof over our secret lair and such.â
âHourly?â
âHourly what?â
âLike have you guys ever had to punch a time clock?â
âWe once had to dismantle a sinister time-freezing device in the shape of a clockâŚ.otherwise no.â
âSold. Off we go.âÂ
âdo i have to be nice to people who are yelling at me?â
âweâre the good guys, you canât kill random civilians just because theyâre mean!â
âkill?? no, i mean, can i tell them off.â
âwell, sure, of course.â
*rips name tag off shirt and tosses it over shoulder* âiâm your huckleberry.â
This resonates on a spiritual level
âIs our struggle against the Forces of Evil union?â
âOf course! Weâre the good guys!â
"Oh I see, you want me to bust up their union THEN all the perks you just mentioned disappear. Bite me, I aint no scab"
The printers us pictures of the very first copy of the book!
Cover of the Julu edition of the Patreon âZine. Forgot to upload this on Canada day.
www.patreon.com/zzarchov
Cover of the June edition of the Patreon âZine. This one is some additional spice for Martial Artists.
www.patreon.com/zzarchov
Cover of the May edition of the Patreon âZine. This one is an adventure involving some classic tomb robbing.
www.patreon.com/zzarchov
Cover of the April edition of the Patreon âZine. This one is an adventure that would work well for an April Fools game, or if you are mad at your players.
www.patreon.com/zzarchov