the real and unreal within a mirror

baa + liver // 21+ hehim // neudiv posting and Slop

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baa , liver // he-him + neos , 21+ arosespec vaguelyguything , seasian

i put any nd ramblings and fandom shlop i dont want on my other account(s) here

->]] carrd ; twt

NOTE: I CAN NOT FOLLOW YOU BACK ON MAIN HERE IF YOU'RE UNDER 20!!!!! this is a sideblog and the main is a 20+ acc >_<;; you can ask for my all ages main if we've talked a few times

also as of the time i made the account i developed functional movement issues (neck twitches/arm freeze ups) that tend to get worse with mood swings like mania/psychosis so i might periodically just type REALLY fucking bad because i dont have the mental capacity to type slow enough its coherent, i can still try to Be Normal when talking about fandom stuff/important stuff but i wont be putting too much effort into personal rambling/blatant delusion posting

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TAGS:

#choppediiver.plate ; personal txt posts #iiversalad.plate ; art/doodles/etc #hyprgb.plate ; nd/chronic illness/etc posting #lowdkdk.plate ; some combination of the above (usually art + nd posting) thats Particularly Eccentric that i dont wanna blast in there

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the two things i will absolutely positively stand two feet FIRMLY on the ground about with mikosys is 1) reputation-defending antisocial mikosys with arguing room that mikoto is the ANP who presents the least amount of symptoms outside of blatant narcissistic traits/difficulty with affective empathy and reliance on artificial charm (see: everyone ripping into him for his artificial moe tendencies) or high social awareness to better keep the situation favorable for him, 2) john is ORANGE, not red.

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you know what i deserve to blast this out there after everything because seeing the upteenth person accidentally invalidate my trauma i might as well have a little fun

john's image color is more orange to me than red and i do not think i can see john as anything but orange. exiting stage left

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not pictured is also the socks in his double outfit being Neon Orange for some ungodly reason and even in argument about it just being a contrast decision i think i could argue that about MeMe too

only argument i will accept is if talking about how a pale red can look orange when remembering mikoto's image color is a pale blue because the moment you get into "is pale red pink or still red" discourse im tapping out that is Way Too Subjective for me but i will always see john as orange

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someone on kr milgramtwt pointed out mikoto's several clearly blue tinted drafts/designs being not only rejected but CLEARLY being torn into for being "not good enough" and then the more orange one being accepted being a representation of john as john verbatim calls himself the "ideal self" for mikoto as someone who isn't afraid to be blunt/stand up for himself/etc and w some people have pointed out the entire sequence from his draft finally getting accepted to him getting his celebratory smirnoff malt could've just been part of his "fleeting dream" i wonder if this is further pointed of john viewing himself as "his savior"/ideal self freeing mikoto of all that stress by finally allowing him to have one (1) draft get put in without being yelled at/actually complimented or praised

and also ORANGE JOHN VINDICATION

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wanted to grab these from the tags on a reblog but don't wanna add it onto the post since it's already a bit long from the yapping but this is why i have a hard time taking the reports 100% truthful

a more recent example i think is the framing of certain aspects with amane and kazui. amane iirc has her report say after the murder she felt "nothing" or something similar to that, because she had just done what she had to do, and even in T1-T2 interros i believe she says "it just had to be done", but amane heads can 100% point out she was ABSOLUTELY regretting it internally and was just coping really really hard with what had happened because she did still love her parents, she didn't wanna believe what they were putting through was cruel/bad and therefore when she did it back it was just "normal". she didn't wanna believe it wasn't, and that nothing she went through was fair, because that would mean her parents, who taught her so much, who loved her so much, did all that anyway even though they knew it wasn't fair. it's a very common thing to happen to kids suffering abuse, which is why you often have kids who'll sooner blame themselves than their parents.

and with kazui as much as i do not like him, i don't think "even while staring at hinako, he could only think of his friend" was quite fair. i don't think it was him yearning for him after his wife had died, it was likely closer to "this all happened because i couldn't let my feelings of him go. oh my fucking god. what's wrong with me. i should've been the one to do this. i should be the one laying there for this. i'm so sorry." grief is really, really complicated and in that sense i'm not gonna fully judge kazui for it. when you remember kazui also really, REALLY does not like himself and views his thoughts about his friend as disgusting, that could've also effected that tidbit too, pushing this narrative even though he lost someone, he's still thinking about this other person who clearly did not like him the way he wanted to.

whether it's prisoners own PoV distorting the reports just as they distort the mv's or purposeful twisting of reports by MILGRAM using the prisoners suspected mentality about their crimes, the reports are definitely not gonna be accurate. that's why i'm willing to believe VD's over reports, because there IS no bias. it's just es and the prisoner talking.

that being said i feel es was written kinda awkwardly in the one but i don't know how to really explain it esp. because i'm not an es lore head so i'll leave it at that LOL

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it would genuinely be really funny if through sheer bullshit because of the misdirection of "protecting" kotokos mv ends up showing her attacking people who had been victims themselves but took matters into their own hands or perpetuated the cycle/T1 guess me was right and she actually had gotten so frenzied she ended up attacking someone completely unrelated because they'd been related to the case in some way or she felt they had done so and took it into her "own hands" to start lunging at the "root" of the problem

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even if you wanna argue about whether trauma is needed or not for systemhood (which, i don't think is relevant when most people are understanding that DID's """coincidental""" comorbidity with neglect/abuse of some kind throughout childhood resulting in CPTSD + severe dissociation/DPDR as the brains coping functions is an indication this is generally what is accepted as the cause of it) btw i also think it would just be really important for people to understand abuse victims aren't always going to say loud and clear they're victims through physical scars/trauma or behaviors. some victims do look completely and utterly normal, some do this on purpose, some genuinely just believe they aren't victims while carrying several terrible coping mechanisms caused by "some minor childhood stuff".

especially when he is NOT the only character in milgram to outwardly have a bad coping mechanism that seems to be directly caused by how he grew up, but do not outwardly state it. yuno "she has no reason for her behavior" kashiki vs mahiru "i don't want to be trapped in a loveless marriage" shiina vs kotoko "this is my one and only purpose, shut up and let me do this or i'll gauge you out with my fangs too" yuzuriha vs fuuta "being a man kinda sucks since people expect a lot out of you and also i probably was mocked for crying/wanting help/etc since men are supposed to do better and i hate my dad but that's none of your business actually" kajiyama vs mu "i don't know anything about socialization in reality i just went along with everyone and was told people who hate me must just be jealous so i believed it so i really don't get why so many people including those same people suddenly hated me" kusunoki but Hey what do i know

also self admission i primarily focus a LOT on yuno regarding this sort of issue with MILGRAM's handling on things such as unreliable narration adjacent writing so i can't really argue too much about other chars esp. kotoko who i just personally feel is NOT being honest about not having suffered a little bit to be doing what she does with no real merit + mu who while i relate to so insanely much in the regard of "why do people hate me what did i do nobody told me how to do anything!!!" is hard for me to prove is anything but a victim of neglect ala "i'll do everything for you, you shouldn't do anything. oh but we're also not really gonna address your problems we'll just throw money and presents at you to make you feel better because that's easier than sorting things out" (considering yamanaka HAS written or at least helped with writing a character who blatantly suffered precisely this in another series i know of)

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i need people when rewriting mikoto's case to remember the biggest issues that are present right now are 1. the egregiously high kill count for what was supposedly "self protection" (really if you just changed how many were killed + shifted the focus to his work it would be a LOOOT tolerable. that's the biggest issue, the "random serial killer" stereotype.), 2. better incorporation of his childhood and how growing up might've caused him to develop DID and thus split john later (i do believe mikoto "i'm a totally normal guy" kayano IS going to still struggle feeling like he was traumatized by high expectations/stress caused + since his abuse was likely primarily emotional/mental he would likely downplay what he went through)

i understand why people want a higher alter count and i do personally obviously dabble in this! but that's not the primary issue. alter count matters a lot less to me as someone who's seen systems in that transitionary period of realizing they're a system and only having two named alters including themselves while they suffer severe dissociation/disorganization/etc as a result of said realization, vs deconfirming a stereotype, one that may actually have drawn inspiration from a particularly heinous case (i won't name it, but it went around on twitter for a bit and is findable within the comments of requiem. i'm not trying to vaguepost i just genuinely can not stomach attaching the two together given how much mikoto means to me and how awful the other crimes outside of blatant murder were) + highlight that abuse does not just have to be physical to be bad and it's because other forms of abuse are downplayed it becomes so much harder to believe you're a victim.

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also! while it's true neglect is also a big factor in developing DID, i also need to emphasize sometimes what you believe was "just neglect" can also be abuse of some kind. the difference lies in "are your mental/emotional needs being brushed off half heartedly, ignored, or just aren't able to be addressed due to a parent being busy, or are these needs being punished or used against you?"

i definitely think mikoto CAN fall into the former taking in account his mom being his only parent, however i do wanna bring up his distaste for stressful/bad moods and how he claims to be a victim of people's bad moods point a lot towards something more than neglect to be honest.

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i need people when rewriting mikoto's case to remember the biggest issues that are present right now are 1. the egregiously high kill count for what was supposedly "self protection" (really if you just changed how many were killed + shifted the focus to his work it would be a LOOOT tolerable. that's the biggest issue, the "random serial killer" stereotype.), 2. better incorporation of his childhood and how growing up might've caused him to develop DID and thus split john later (i do believe mikoto "i'm a totally normal guy" kayano IS going to still struggle feeling like he was traumatized by high expectations/stress caused + since his abuse was likely primarily emotional/mental he would likely downplay what he went through)

i understand why people want a higher alter count and i do personally obviously dabble in this! but that's not the primary issue. alter count matters a lot less to me as someone who's seen systems in that transitionary period of realizing they're a system and only having two named alters including themselves while they suffer severe dissociation/disorganization/etc as a result of said realization, vs deconfirming a stereotype, one that may actually have drawn inspiration from a particularly heinous case (i won't name it, but it went around on twitter for a bit and is findable within the comments of requiem. i'm not trying to vaguepost i just genuinely can not stomach attaching the two together given how much mikoto means to me and how awful the other crimes outside of blatant murder were) + highlight that abuse does not just have to be physical to be bad and it's because other forms of abuse are downplayed it becomes so much harder to believe you're a victim.

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part of me wonders if john's "protection" was potentially mikoto's suicidal ideation manifesting in the worst way possible i.e. "it'll be bad if i kill myself so maybe i'll just hope something kills me instead" and john landed on "i'm going to kill everyone and then myself" because the stress had gotten so bad/severe rationality had just gone Out The Window. there's quite a few stories of people who do hit their "rock bottom" and decide to not just take themselves out but others as well, though obviously this doesn't really reflect good on mikoto still either but i feel that's kinda the point since near the end of the VD both him and es talk about how john's existence implies that he obviously has that same capacity for violence/murder deep down in him

the constant train imagery despite mikoto canonically biking as commute to me rings as suicidal ideation/intention esp. with mikoto being clearly in distress on said train. i also think him looking down the train and seeing clear remnants of murder when according to mv there weren't many if any signs of what had happened was him realizing his suicidal ideation had gotten so many other people killed, + i wonder if this is why the "getting off halfway means guilty" lyric exists in conjunction to my theory, if he doesn't take the "full trip", then he'll have to carry the guilt/stress/etc that pushed him onto taking that train to begin with

i also kinda hold the theory that ALL the prisoners are actually dead though (which is kind of a controversial theory since some ppl find it boring, all fair btw i think some of them being alive if not all of them def adds to the stakes + them already being dead makes the heartbreak of losing the trio we did feel "lessened" to some ppl) so mikoto realizing what had happened and killing himself (someone on twitter pointed out the bathtub scene in MeMe could've equally have been a suicide attempt, hence the over indulgence in smoking despite him not smoking at all since "well fuck i'm already screwed might as well") isn't off the table for me personally at least

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re: the "the prisoners are all already dead" theory, my personal theory is that all the reports were taken from cases of the deceased by milgram and projected in order to "test" the audience/es. milgram was never about the prisoners themselves at all for me, it was ALWAYS about seeing what the audience would do, how they would vote or talk about them, etc, and in the end it would be the audience being judged.

it's kinda rough because there's a lot of prisoners i CAN justify it with either them dying by external factors or through suicide but the two i'm kinda stuck on are amane and kotoko, since iirc some religions shame suicide ("if you kill yourself you're going to hell" type stuff) and kotoko to me would only really die either in action or through self neglect which, yesn't ? which is the main reason i don't praise the "all the prisoners are already dead" theory, plus another reason but i don't wanna say since it could spoil people on something

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part of me wonders if john's "protection" was potentially mikoto's suicidal ideation manifesting in the worst way possible i.e. "it'll be bad if i kill myself so maybe i'll just hope something kills me instead" and john landed on "i'm going to kill everyone and then myself" because the stress had gotten so bad/severe rationality had just gone Out The Window. there's quite a few stories of people who do hit their "rock bottom" and decide to not just take themselves out but others as well, though obviously this doesn't really reflect good on mikoto still either but i feel that's kinda the point since near the end of the VD both him and es talk about how john's existence implies that he obviously has that same capacity for violence/murder deep down in him

the constant train imagery despite mikoto canonically biking as commute to me rings as suicidal ideation/intention esp. with mikoto being clearly in distress on said train. i also think him looking down the train and seeing clear remnants of murder when according to mv there weren't many if any signs of what had happened was him realizing his suicidal ideation had gotten so many other people killed, + i wonder if this is why the "getting off halfway means guilty" lyric exists in conjunction to my theory, if he doesn't take the "full trip", then he'll have to carry the guilt/stress/etc that pushed him onto taking that train to begin with

i also kinda hold the theory that ALL the prisoners are actually dead though (which is kind of a controversial theory since some ppl find it boring, all fair btw i think some of them being alive if not all of them def adds to the stakes + them already being dead makes the heartbreak of losing the trio we did feel "lessened" to some ppl) so mikoto realizing what had happened and killing himself (someone on twitter pointed out the bathtub scene in MeMe could've equally have been a suicide attempt, hence the over indulgence in smoking despite him not smoking at all since "well fuck i'm already screwed might as well") isn't off the table for me personally at least

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my guesses/dart tosses for requiem:

-childhood reveal (kinda necessary i really doubt ymnk wouldnt put them in atp:???)

-lots of imagery of mikoto "hiding" from his stress and come back to them resolved

-emotional/mental neglect from his mother/mother starts getting notably colder towards him as he feels pressured to work more to support her and his sister but reminding his mother of why she divorced (im still calling it i think the phone call had less to do with it being a tell that he was tired and more that even his mother made him feel like he had no one but himself to rely on because he would have to support her)

-probably multikoto imagery that ends with him in the same hide and seek place looking around desperately for someone but finding no one, either he stumbles into a corpse during this or he runs off to "hide" from the dead body but no longer can find anyone and ends up breaking down

-if we dont get the repeated "nande"'s its not a mikoto song

-honestly im betting on a scene where mikoto first goes to hide from stress and gets hugged/comforted by one of the manykotos if not john

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the fact none of these were even hit at all is kinda astounding to me. like. not even the nandes. okay.

i dont even count the "hiding" from stress thing because he wasnt hiding he was KNOCKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!

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every day it gets so tempting for me to post about how i think each of the prisoners parents failed them (with varying scenarios) but im like mm. maybe i shouldnt . because im kinda acutely aware i do laser vision on my faves too much (mikoto yuno and mahiru) that i might say smth out of line/not true and get killed for it immediately

legit the only person i could not feasibly think of bc his crime was "wrong place wrong time sanity slippage" more than anything

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current og song tierlist i havent listened to a lot of the covers to judge

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im. not retyping out what i just found out because it confirmed a fear i had regarding the writing except it turned out to be worst case scenario for me so now this and just tapping out mentally is genuinely the only thing keeping me from breaking apart right here right now

t3 is a mass causality event because the victims just continuously keep becoming causalities.

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im looking back and. dude. Dude. okay sure this is the ONE thing i somehow nailed. okay. my bad.

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ignoring t3 and projecting my mother issues onto him . okay?

orange john, green kodomo, pink misato, i only have my ramble post about who green/pink are because i did not draw them out yet its Okay this is just a quick doodle comic i wanted out of my system maybe one day ill flesh properly line this LOL

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you know what i deserve to blast this out there after everything because seeing the upteenth person accidentally invalidate my trauma i might as well have a little fun

john's image color is more orange to me than red and i do not think i can see john as anything but orange. exiting stage left

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not pictured is also the socks in his double outfit being Neon Orange for some ungodly reason and even in argument about it just being a contrast decision i think i could argue that about MeMe too

only argument i will accept is if talking about how a pale red can look orange when remembering mikoto's image color is a pale blue because the moment you get into "is pale red pink or still red" discourse im tapping out that is Way Too Subjective for me but i will always see john as orange