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> keeping my thoughts in order and learning about mental health for personal reasons > varied experiences and resources > fuck off stfu idc ab u > (resources recs welcome)

[mrstinkerpooper]

i feel like without emotional anchors or significant memories, days, months, and even years can blend together and result in time being heavily distorted

what is a memory when seemingly nothing matters? life feels like it's pasing by in a blur, with little to distinguish one moment from the next

i don't see time distortion being talked about often in relation to szpd but i think it kind of fits

[schizoid-hikikomori]

I read The Stranger by Albert Camus at the recommendation of my therapist.

What I can say is the story speaks to the schizoid experience. The straightforward matter-of-fact narration is very similar to how I used to write, how I used to describe things, and I feel as though I was never quite able to shake that habit completely off.

The inability for people to understand the idea of perceiving things through logic rather than emotion is also present. Meursault would describe things as they are and see no reason to object them. When asked about his feelings, he would sooner state his preferences or express his apathy or indifference.

When Marie asked to marry him, he agreed since that was something she wanted to do, and didn't see why not.

Love is difficult for me to truly understand or know if that's what I'm feeling. I feel as though I would have a similar reaction should my girlfriend ask to marry me.

He's seemingly unaffected by the idea that he killed a man. This makes people think he's heartless. Early on in his imprisonment, he has to keep reminding himself that he is now a criminal, that he killed a man.

Throughout the trial, he is appalled by the amount of people looking at him, that are interested in him, and furthermore, unsettled by their judgements of him, for so many have come to hate him for his crime.

His lawyer is frustrated by his inability to state that he was sad or grieving after his mother's death, as evidence that he isn't cold and heartless. Everyone around him fails to understand his indifference. When he starts to become annoyed with someone or wants them gone, he defaults to agreeing with whatever they're saying so they might leave.

These are primary things I observed in his character that speak to my experience as a schizoid. Being withdrawn, people not comprehending the ability to accept things as they are, this large void between yourself and your emotions, the unnatural feeling it brings for so many people to have their eyes on you.

Things I thought I would feel some gratification after doing bring no feeling at all. Things I've dreamed of doing for years do not bring any real feeling to me. I've long since accepted my inability to feel excitement or passion anymore, but it comes to me sometimes: people around me being more excited for my achievements than I am.

Even my therapist doesn't seem to get that the "nothingness" is a persistent, neverending feeling.

"How does that make you feel?"

Absolutely nothing.

[weemietime]

There isn't a whole lot of content on Tumblr about schizoid personality disorder so I thought I would make a little informational post. SZPD is a cluster A personality disorder, of the odd/eccentric cluster alongside schizotypal and paranoid. It is on the schizophrenia spectrum, and comprises the negative rather than positive symptoms of schizophrenia.

This primarily means we have avolition, catatonia, flat/blunted affect (demeanor), limited interoception (emotional sensations), lack of bonds to others including primary family members, and indifference to the opinions of others.

Whilst this isn't a diagnostic criteria, many of us are also asexual and aromantic, meaning we don't want to have sex with other humans (but usually do masturbate) and have no interest in romantic companionship.

My most disabling symptom is avolition, because I have comorbid ADHD. This means when I don't have my medication (dextromethorphan 120mg) I just sit there and zone out and can't even hold a conversation or move my body, nor even do things like feed myself. It is genuinely crippling and I am unemployed because of this, even though my meds help, they don't cure me and I need a lot of time alone.

Schizoid is something of an "anti-human" disorder, because we fail to form basic social bonds with others including primary caregivers. As a child I got diagnosed with inhibited RAD because I could not tolerate human contact. This differs from autism because autistic people generally want to socialize, they just lack the skills. I don't want to socialize and it takes tremendous effort for me to do so.

To even make this post I had to wait for my meds to click in as I was just sitting there mindlessly beforehand. While we have low internal sensations of emotions like caring, love, happiness, trust, sadness, etc. we aren't typically antisocial/dissocial and don't have a pattern of exploiting others or dishonesty. This requires too much effort.

There is a schizoid version of narcissism but it is separate to narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is characterized by a very fragile ego. You can't contradict or disagree with NPD because they are unable to regulate the emotions caused by conflict. Conversely, SZPD does not care about the opinions of others at all and places little value on them.

Our sense of superiority is legitimate, meaning we just do genuinely believe we are smarter than other people. So your mileage may vary on how insufferable you find that. I recognize this trait in myself and work to actively challenge it since it is illogical for me to think I am more special than anyone else. But, my ego is very stable, so criticism doesn't bother me the way it would in NPD.

Interoception means the sensations you feel inside your body. We lack this, so even stuff like hunger and tiredness don't impact us until we are very hungry or extremely exhausted. I don't have the feeling you would to look at a family member and get a sense of love or trust. I have a logical sense of obligation that I developed through choosing what I value based on reason. I describe this as care, and I place importance on my friendships, but there is no emotional component to this, it is all cognitive.

Tangentially: I'm somewhat of an optimistic nihilist, believing that there is no grand purpose to existence. Yes, even as a religious person. I don't think G-d ultimately has a purpose either, as an agent of the universe. (I don't believe G-d created the universe.) We have a human nervous system, so we base our rubric for morality on suffering and decide what is meaningful both collectively and individually.

I don't believe in true freedom of will (but I do believe we have agency), because we know that Bereitschaftspotential or reaction potentials occur in the brain up to two seconds before we become conscious of a volitional desire. Our consciousness occurs because of quantum synchronicity in the brain, so our free will is in a bit of an in-between state rather than fully determined or fully free.

So, we are not born deciding "I'm going to be an abuser," that happens because of brain abnormalities. It's no different than the forces of creation and destruction at work like a virus infecting a host cell. I don't place much importance on concepts of self-hood, I view myself as the electrical and chemical processes that occur in my brain, which happen without my choosing, that I can influence and impact through my own agency.

Anyway, these are just some basic schizoid meanderings for you all and I hope that this was informative or interesting in some way. Peace.

[maive-the-sheep]

1st off, adhd symptoms are typically more severe if someone has suffered childhood abuse or neglect. But nobody calls it a trauma disorder.

So why when adhd, aspd, and autism have higher rates in twins but not 100% is aspd the one thats said a "trauma disorder" by people here?

Why does aspd have so many studies showing changes in genetic alleles, changes in brain that arent typically associated with trauma is it seen as a trauma disorder?

Why does it have such a high comorbidity with adhd while you claim it's a trauma disorder?

Why have their been studies showing it's similar in development to a neurodevelopmental disorder is it viewed as a trauma disorder?

I was like this well before trauma and neglect, and didn't become more severe even with trauma and neglect, and I'm even officially diagnosed. And my dad probably has it, same with mom, mom's mom, mom's dad, dad's dad.

Why is the trend with saying it's a trauma disorder and focusing so heavily on trauma?

I never did and never will have affective empathy, guilt, shame. But other kids sure did. I always had a moral code of my own design not influenced by social or legal norms. But i do good actions cause I'm an egoistic altruist and it feels powerful and I'm not weak.

Why would you want to state my antisocial personality disorder is a trauma disorder?

I see it as a neurodivergence.

And I don't care for your pity points of "trauma disorder" nor your push to fix things with me that arent issues (boredom is a legit issue though). Screw your ableism

[thepsychostewardess]

A bit on discovering my lack of empathy.

I knew I had ASPD since age 20, but it took me until I was about 23 to realise the extent of my lack of empathy. Having never experienced it, I didn’t realise how much I was lacking. I’d gone through childhood and my teenage years not believing my brain was wired differently - but people would always give me wtf expressions at my sense of humour, call me cold, etc. My own mother, when I was 15, told me I had “a disturbing lack of empathy”, which disturbed me. I never thought I didn’t have empathy because I do have the ability to put myself in others’ shoes and think about how I would feel if x event happened to me.

So what stood out to me was when accidents happened in front of me. When people fell, got hurt, or anything along those lines, others would immediately rush to help and all the right words would come out of their mouths and their faces would twist with sympathy, compassion, and worry. I would just be standing there, no idea what to do or feel. Feeling nothing. Just watching.

A little old lady fell beside me at traffic lights in Bologna, Italy, a few years ago and I helped her up but couldn’t do much beyond that. To the outside world this might have appeared cold but what “empaths” don’t understand is that I wasn’t unable to act due to indifference but from my brain not knowing what to do. That’s what they get wrong. I just don’t have that capability. There was only indifference inside me, but it wasn’t voluntary. It took years to be able to get the script right. How did everyone else know it? It’s exhausting. Realising everyone else is born with that script embedded and I have to mimic and use so much energy just to blend in 😪

I know I was born with a lack of empathy. A kindergarten worker suggested to my mother that I might be autistic because I didn’t make eye contact. It’s not autism though, and I have had no problem with eye contact since learning “look at the person you’re talking to” and “make eye contact with the group/crowd to keep their interest and make them feel involved” (and if they’re a handsome man with gorgeous eyes). Oh yeah. I used to hit and bite the other children in elementary and middle school. What made me furious was when others didn’t follow the rules. I was trying so hard to blend in and conform and this kid is just ignoring the teacher when she says to tidy up? What an insult to all my effort. Chomp. As a teen I then learnt how to terrorise people psychologically, win teachers over even when I was in the wrong, and the art of manipulation via trial and error. The rest is history.

[thesharkcave]

Hello! I just wanted to say thank you for answering my question! And now I have another question, how do people with ASPD act in relationships? Familial, platonic or romantic?

Hi, no problem at all!

Answering that question is really tricky honestly tho, because not only does everyone define relationships differently, but everyone also has made different experiences, has a different symptom presentation or lives in a different culture where other things are normal. So I can't tell you how people with ASPD definitely act in relationships and I also can't tell you which behavior will show itself in which specific type of relationship.

I mean you got people who cut off contact with their families, you got those who are in survival mode around them, you got those who are pissed off now and fight back, you got those that sneak around and preserve the quiet "peace" and you got those that either have good relationships with some parts of their family or have reestablished good relationships with the people who wronged them.

You have people who don't want friends at all, you got those that have friends that are defined based on how useful they are. you got those that actually develop bonds to people and call them friends, you have those who don't bond but still do everything stereotypically seen as "friendship behavior", you got those that will miss their friends and care for them and you have those whose friends could drop dead and they wouldn't care.

You got people who avoid romantic relationships and partners alltogether, you have those that get a partner to just use them for whatever, you have those that feel stereotypical love and have "normal" relationships, you have those that don't feel love but still present as if they do, you have people who jump from one partner to the next within a few months, you have those that define love not based on feelings but on a desire to live together or sleeping with each other or simply being able to tolerate each others presence.

And within all those relationships, people will present with varying degrees and types of antisocial behavior and learned prosocial behavior. Its just really really varied yk? :D

[deathstalkers]

When I'm not in a good enough mood to deal with the bullshit of other people, it really does paint out how fucking idiotic they all are. Playing with me like none of this is serious or true, I'm so sick of spending all my time lying to all of them just to make them happy.

Fucking get over yourself, are you a joke? Telling me what you think as if I ever fucking asked, and then having the goddamn audacity to behave like a disobedient bitch straight to my face. I could feel the fury choking me out before I even had a chance to put it into words.

Nothing about this makes fucking sense, if only you obeyed like the puppet I want you to be. Other people having rights and minds and shit that they refuse to let me properly control makes me sick. It's so fucking annoying. Could never have enough of these useless stress balls these things don't do shit.

I'd prefer to use your throat like one and fucking kill you for pissing me off. Don't ask nothing of me again. Fuck off, get the hell out of my life, and for the love of everything that is holy and sane in this world, kill yourself. Brutally.

[thiswasnotmyintention-deactivat]

Oh no its the gifted child who is wise beyond their years to the burnt out adult with no ability to self-soothe, no ability to fully experience a single tangible emotion, no ability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships, no energy, no desires, no goals, and literally nothing left inside pipeline once again

[mrstinkerpooper]

intellectually active but emotionally numb

that's what ive noticed about people with szpd; they often have rich inner lives, with intellectual exploration, hobbies, and interests. however, these are usually engaged with on a cerbreal level rather than an emotional one

what this means is that i can be deeply invovled in learning about a subject, or indulding in a creative hobby, but without the drive or emotional satisfaction that others might derive from those same activities

this intellectual-emotional disconnect, for me, leads to a sense of emptiness despite being busy or productive. and if not emptiness then dissonance, being detached from yourself; it's like watching a movie, seeing the work be put in, and seeing the final result yet still feel a profound void.

and so, achievements mean nothing, finishing projects and hitting milestones falls flat. i feel robbed of feeling proud of myself.

[malicious-vampire]

Dwelling in that weird state of apathy that feels like both a god complex and depression. I'm untouchable, I'm inhuman. I could do anything I want, and I don't care. I'm above the world. I'll follow my impulses and no one can stand in my way.

But if a car hit me right now and I turned out to me mortal after all, I wouldn't mind either.

[inanawesomewave]

Millon’s Subtypes of ASPD: Tag Yourself

A problem I think I’ve encountered with ASPD and the public perception is that people have very fixed ideas in their heads about what a psychopath should or shouldn’t look like. Is he the slimy politician having affairs with his interns and screwing over minorities without so much as a wince? Is she the career bitch who seems to enjoy having many underpaid staff devoted to her every sadistic whim just a little bit too much? Is he the unbearably handsome compulsive liar your best mate used to fuck? You know, that guy in the suit for no reason?  And I mean, yeah. Maybe. But it’s not all as broad as that. American Psychologist Theodore Millon, in his life, did extensive work on personality disorders, specifically to do with dividing individuals diagnosed with such disorders into subtypes and fuck me if I don’t just love a good set of categories.  Technically he divided psychopathy into two separate personality disorders, one being Sadistic Personality Disorder (psychopathy) which was distinct from Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). Some say there’s a difference and some don’t - I tend to think if I fell at that far end, or even if psychopath/sociopath was/were synonymous with ASPD as some people claim, I’d be the sociopath. However, when Millon proposed that this be recognised as a PD, his proposal was rejected. Sadism is part of the dark tetrad to which most of us ASPD friends can relate here and there (a friend once called me “unnecessarily sadistic” but really, it’s a fleeting kind of trait at best), but is not its own disorder. With that said, here’s the subtypes of ASPD, as proposed by Millon: Nomadic (including schizoid and avoidant features) Think Charles Manson. Crazy bastard has spent his entire life in and out of institutions, living on the margins of society, here we have antisociality that works due to slipping between the cracks on a constant level, hard to pin down, hard to understand. Nomadic psychopaths don’t give a fuck about the Armani suit or the Rolex. They wanna grow a beard and smoke discarded cigarette butts and sure, maybe sometimes they’ll start a cult and send for the murders of high-profile celebrities, get a swastika tattooed to their forehead, just basic shit like that.  Malevolent (including sadistic and paranoid features) This is where you start to see psychopaths really behave like psychopaths. They’re belligerent, sadistic, quarrelsome, they anticipate betrayal so preemptively explode it in as loud and visually striking way they can. Where some antisocial people are the most charming and sociable creatures you’ve ever met (and so you don’t know you’ve met them), malevolent psychopaths are antisocial and asocial all at once. They don’t like you, or your friends, or your family, or your fucking dead pet dog or cat or whatever it is you keep bleating on about. Malevolent types of antisocial people want to set fire not just to your home, but to your whole street just in case you were friendly with your neighbours. Covetous (including primarily negativistic features) Incessant and directionless yearning for what they don’t have, envy, jealousy, bitterness, ruled by greed and a desire for oneupmanship, seeks pleasure in taking without giving back, and enjoys taking more than having.  Now we’re getting into Patrick Bateman territory. This kind of psychopath IS the psychopath you’ve been imagining. If he’s managed to be rich in some way, then he’s got a beautifully stylish and sickeningly expensive apartment that he fucking hates because someone else got a slightly more expensive one. If he’s not managed to become rich then he’s the used car salesman who spends his lunch break steadily poisoning his colleague Dan’s instant coffee because Dan got a better company car and that’s just fucking bullshit. Dan’s got to go.  Risk-taking (including histrionic features) Dauntless, venturesome, adrenaline junkie, heedless, fearless. This is the psychopath I’ve heard least about. She’s jumping out of planes for charity and keeping the money herself, she’s ruthless and seems to get her satisfaction not so much from slowly and insidiously working on a victim over the course of months or even years, she’s much more likely to act on a whim and take the big risk that might not pay off. She’s going to be into gambling and might be in a lot of debt but whatever, it doesn’t matter. She can always fake her own death and fuck off to St Lucia with her mysteriously disappeared ex-husband’s life-savings.  Reputation-defending (including narcissistic features) This is the WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME psychopath, the psychopath that nobody ever wants to admit to being, but hey, someone’s got to be it, and it might as well be you. This is the psychopath who is going to get caught, the clumsy psychopath. The psychopath who thinks they’re infallible but hasn’t got anything to back it up with, because they didn’t see why they should have to try or do any legwork - people should just fear them even though they’re not frightening. This I feel is the most vulnerable psychopath at all, the one simultaneously the closest to an empath and the farthest away one can possibly get, because they have human distress that comes – not from the covetousness or enviousness from before – but a self-imposed greatness that is so fragile and precarious that anything at any second can threaten it to fall. And you don’t want to be there when it does. This psychopath is terrified of being thought of in any way that undermines their inherent greatness. Tell that psychopath they’re a fucking no-hoper with no friends, and they will likely brush you off and assume your rage comes from a greater envy at their formidable and indomitable power and strength. But tell that psychopath you preferred their hair before it got cut? Looks like it’s you who’s getting cut now. Interestingly enough, this is the subtype of psychopath who is least likely to know that their behaviour is psychopathic. After all. It’s not their fault. It’s yours.  So now we’ve all had fun working out which we are, take a minute to work out which one you are. Of course the examples I gave were hyped up to illustrate the point - a malevolent psychopath might just stand in line at a shop having a rapid slideshow of violent imagery of the death of the man in front of them in the queue, because the man at the shop is taking too long and eating into their time, thinking, “the selfish cunt, why should HE get to take up all that space? What makes HIM all of a sudden need all that time? Fucking state of him, you know, this is exactly what is wrong with ABSOLUTELY FUCKING EVERYTHING god I’m going to burn this place to the fucking ground, none of the families of anyone in this hell hole would ever miss them, if anything they’d be WELL RID OF THESE USELESS PIECES OF ACTUAL HUMAN SHI– oh, hi yes can I have a pack of Marlboro Reds, please? Lovely day, isn’t it?” and the time it takes to exchange warm pleasantries with the idiot checkout girl, walk home, and have a cigarette, just so happens to be the exact same amount of time it took to cool off, calm down, and pretend like nothing ever happened. 

[inanawesomewave]

Today in “Things I Never Knew About ASPD”

- Antisocials score naturally higher on psychometric scores designed to test for hypomania.  - A recent study showed that, when recalling experiences of love, hate, anger, happiness, etc., people with ASPD will use more emotional language to describe the event than those without ASPD.  - Antisocials will use more verbs and adjectives in their speech, and are more descriptive. People with ASPD are more likely to use words such as: feel, kiss, hug, take, dream, wish, etc. when describing love. Antisocials will also use more nouns in their speech when describing negative experiences, eg. anger, quarrel, rage, hate, agreement. Psychologists believe that this is because antisocials are not emotionally invested in their speech about hate and anger, and the emotional variance showed in both these speeches must reflect a deeper ambivalence toward strong emotions. That is, psychopaths are storytellers.  - People with ASPD find it hard to hypothesise hate and do indeed automatically recognise and feel it as a negative emotion. However, when discussing hate, the antisocial will use positive words to describe their own disposition within that situation. This reflects their natural charm and inherently positive sense of self. When discussing their own competence in situations where hate was encountered, the antisocial will describe themselves as a mediator, a negotiator, a skilled communicator who effectively deescalated the situation. This shows a lack of emotional insight and an inability to learn from past mistakes.  - When people say they can “tell” who’s a sociopath/psychopath by how they talk, or people diagnose themselves with ASPD because of how emotionless and flat they believe they sound, they’re bullshitting you. People with ASPD have been found to have a richer, more expansive emotional lexicon, quite the opposite of a cold, blunted affect. An antisocial will zone in on specific feelings, emotions, experiences, and can name them all convincingly and succinctly, with a greater ability and ease than those without ASPD. However, though antisocials can beautifully and astutely describe emotions, they cannot normally correctly identify their own. 

[deathstalkers]

Faking my laughs and my smiles all day hurts my fucking jaw.

[dissocialed]

Though to be quite honest, I don't comprehend the "fear of intimacy" narrative. Well, on a topographical level I do, of course. The logic is there. Tale as old as time. Someone self-sabotages when they're afraid being too close to someone might reveal something about themselves that conflicts with the narrative they've crafted of them being irredeemable or unlikable or incompatible with any other being, otherwise they flee from "vulnerability," lending someone the power to hurt them by setting themselves up for the expectation of being liked in return. They bypass it all by creating a self-fulfilling prophecy wherein they shoot themselves in the foot and say "see? I'm unlovable!"

But I've personally never related to this. And despite it being a rather pervasive take on schizoid mechanisms, I don't believe I've ever utilized it for the reason dashing one's own prospects never sounded all that appealing or made much sense. If something is only going to backfire on me and I bear the consequence, why would I ever do such an action? If it does not lead to me getting what I know I actually want? I'm wasting my own time. This feels unacceptable. It's also rude.

I have no reason to push others away without due diligence.

Over an abstract, an intangible possibility that may or may not happen-- what do I really have to lose? At the least it is something to do. For me, there is very little risk involved with "intimacy." Certainly, one should be careful revealing personal details anyway, but if you're resilient enough to withstand the fallout and not dependent on other people for your self worth to the point of overcoming any person or thing that might reject you, then is it really so dangerous. It's another thing to shrug off and move on from. Many fish in the sea.

Maybe it can be disappointing, but I wouldn't say it makes me scared. It's more frustrating or annoying than anything to face a disappointment. Though, I like to think I'm a swell judge of character and so keep around people who are prone to meet a standard in the first place.

In any case, why make myself sick over it. If it was someone (on the very rare occasion) who took my interest, that I wanted to show my world to, I wouldn't feel sick. I'd be excited, delighted. Maybe a little obsessed. I'd think carefully how to deliver myself, but it'd be egosyntonic. It would not be against my will. The risk is also the reward. If it was someone I never planned to open up to because I don't like them or I don't respect them, however, I'd feel nothing and not care because I don't hold any obligations to what they want from me. They are not owed it.

It's easy enough to simply lie and project the illusion of personability to appease someone if I thought it'd be worth it. More convenient. To keep things smooth. And if I don't want to put forth that effort, then you get nothing at all. I do not want intimacy for intimacy's sake, and I do not respond to it from just anyone. It is not my choice. It is not to be mean.

Rather, it might be more precise to say that I "fear" being locked in to engagements with those I do not wish to and *never* intended to share an intimate space with. Largely due in part to the way society is structured around being excessively social that often you do not get to choose and be selective (coworkers, classmates, etc) thus, have expectations of you also being social and experiencing the same things as they do.

Unlike how it works with neurotypical persons, just because I am engaged in an intimate setting where someone is sharing thoughts and feelings with me, it doesn't mean that I, subjectively, on the inside are also experiencing a closer connection in return. It's difficult to explain that your brain doesn't feel connected to others without them taking that personally and coming away from interactions feeling like it is one-sided or manipulative.

You're caught between a rock and a hard place of never quite being able to give someone what they want (genuine intimacy and feelings from you) because they are not there; simultaneously, you cannot wholly discourage it or they will feel you hate them etc which may not be true. Through cognitive empathy I can still listen, comprehend and even care. But to explain this would take ages, and many are not equipped to understand. Because this condition is so obscure. Because humans are "social creatures," and you are the exception to a rule.

They do not realize they are often responsible for my mask that they then accuse me of having created for some nefarious purpose when it was infact worn in order to communicate on a level you understand and to make you comfortable.

There is nothing more dreadful (and often tedious) than this.

[thepsychostewardess]

Another day, another grin-and-bear-it attempt at concealing my anger issues

[schizocrow]

I'm so tired of masking and pretending I'm nice and considerative.

Like, don't get me wrong, I can genuinely be nice and considerative towards very few important people in my life (and I have to put conscious effort into it), but why can't i be myself without people creating trouble about it.

They're so futile, looking for marriage, kids, following social norms, thinking that their job or what they've studied define who they are

Pathetic.

Could be my angry speaking. However, I can't draw the line that separates us anymore.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

npd with aspd culture is never feeling bad for doing something, only having regret when you get consequences and peoples perception of you turns negative

.