I can't put you back together, but I'll always love you so
AO3
Summary: Corvus was in pain.
Which wasn’t exactly a new feeling, for him. He may only be in his mid-twenties, but after the amount of tumbles he’d taken in his youth and early-twenties, his body wasn’t very happy with him.
Usually he tried to ignore it. It was always there, but he’d found things that helped.
Note: This fic was created out of pain, and if you’re in chronic pain like me, I’m sending you so much love. May we all find our Soren someday (whether you’re looking for that platonically or romantically).
…
Corvus was in pain.
Which wasn’t exactly a new feeling, for him. He may only be in his mid-twenties, but after the amount of tumbles he’d taken in his youth and early-twenties, his body wasn’t very happy with him.
Usually he tried to ignore it. It was always there, but he’d found things that helped. The healing powers of Sunfire Elves, some of Mukho’s magical salves, and other random ointments promising relief that he and Soren had picked up on their travels. And of course, the standard protocol of doctors visits.
They all helped.
A little.
For a bit.
But it was always there in the background. He was never truly comfortable. Riding on horses, dragons, or otherwise for too long often left him in secret agony, unless he’d brought a salve or potion along to help ease the pain.
And still, that was only briefly.
Corvus could normally work through the pain. Even on days he felt poorly and like surely there was no way he could go stand in the throne room or sit in a council chair for hours on end or make it up another set of stairs, he usually somehow did it.
Unfortunately, that meant his days off were usually either spent recovering from the work week and he had to take it easy, or he couldn’t get out of bed or off of the couch.
Soren tried to help as much as he could. Soren was an expert in all things physical, so aside from being Corvus’s boyfriend he’d also taken it upon himself to be Corvus’s personal physical therapist, masseuse, and anything else Soren could think of to help.
He reminded Corvus to stretch. If Corvus didn’t feel up to that, he’d learned how to give massages. When none of that worked, Soren simply sat (or stood or laid) with Corvus.
Sometimes Corvus cried into Soren’s shoulder, angry at his own body for turning against him like this. Especially at such a young age when everybody was telling him to enjoy his 20s and to take advantage of his good joints before he turned 30 and it all “went downhill.”
Trying to grapple with the fact that he’d feel like this forever. And if it went downhill after 30, what would he feel like then?
Sometimes Corvus just wanted to feel Soren’s warmth and weight on him like a blanket, something to distract him from the pain. Soren was always obliged to be Corvus’s living weighted blanket.
Sometimes Corvus couldn’t stand the thought of anything touching him. So Soren would just… be there for him. Soren would read his current book aloud, or brainstorm a poem, or practice jokes.
Even if Corvus didn’t always feel up to laughing or responding, Soren was good at diverting his attention elsewhere.
This had been a week where Corvus had pushed through the pain, whether he should have or not. He needed to feel like he was useful, like he was helpful, like he was doing something.
Unfortunately, it seemed his body disagreed with his need to be helpful around the castle. His pain was so great he’d slept fitfully all night and it finally woke him up. So, even though it was only the very early morning, the sun not even over the horizon yet, it appeared that he would be homebound for the weekend. Usually, Corvus loved being antisocial in his downtime. But as soon as it was forced upon him? He wanted to be outside with others, enjoying the sunshine or even the rain.
He also felt guilty, because Soren would stay by Corvus’s side as much as he possibly could to help in whatever ways Corvus needed. Corvus felt like he was keeping Soren from his friends, or parties, or other various Crownguard related get-togethers.
Not that Soren would ever say anything or complain about it. But Corvus still felt bad.
Corvus rolled over in bed, yet again, trying to get comfortable. But nothing was ever comfortable for long. His bad knee and hip would start aching in a few minutes, regardless of how he laid. This time, he ended up facing away from Soren.
Even in his sleep, Soren inched closer to Corvus and wrapped himself around Corvus tightly, burying himself into Corvus’s back. It was like he could sense Corvus’s negative thoughts and was shielding Corvus with his own body to keep them at bay.
Corvus couldn’t stop the smile that came to his face. The way Soren held him sometimes reminded him of the way Soren would snuggle one of his plush toys. It made Corvus feel… precious. Cared for.
Corvus leaned back into Soren, using his chest as a pillow of sorts, and closed his eyes again.
…
Once the sun was up, Corvus woke up again to lazy kisses on the back of his neck. He yawned and craned his head towards Soren. “G’morning,” he mumbled.
“Good morning,” Soren responded, taking a break from kissing Corvus’s neck to kiss the edge of Corvus’s lips, then his cheek. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“It’s fine,” he said through a yawn. “Best way to be woken up anyway.” Corvus replied as he carefully rolled in Soren’s grasp to face him. Corvus’s eyes gently drifted closed again.
Now, he felt kisses on his cheeks, forehead, eyes - anywhere on Corvus’s face that Soren could reach. Corvus couldn’t help his sleepy smile as his eyes slowly reopened. “Somebody’s in a good mood.”
“You’re just too cute when you’re asleep,” Soren whined. “You look so… peaceful.”
“I wish I felt that way,” Corvus mumbled, looking away.
Soren frowned, putting a hand to Corvus’s cheek so they were face to face. “Bad day already?”
Corvus hesitated a moment before meeting his eyes and nodding.
“Do you need me to move?”
Corvus shook his head, clinging to Soren. His hands fisted in Soren’s shirt to keep him close. He might not be comfortable, but he was happy. Corvus wanted to stay lost in Soren for a little longer. “No. I just want to be close to you right now, regardless of the pain.”
Soren’s frown deepened. “But I don’t want you in pain.”
“I know, love, but neither of us really has a choice,” Corvus sighed. “For now, I just want to cuddle with my partner.”
Soren nodded, bringing up a hand to run his fingers along the nape of Corvus’s neck, gently massaging. Corvus wrapped his arms around Soren’s neck, playing with his hair as he found his favorite spot in the crook of Soren’s neck, where it felt like his head was meant to fit. Then Soren hooked a leg around Corvus’s, bringing him closer. Soren also wanted to enjoy the closeness while Corvus’s body could handle it.
Soren alternated where he caressed, switching from Corvus’s neck, to his back, to his side, as Corvus just curled into Soren and breathed.
After a little while, Soren began to get antsy. Corvus could tell by the way Soren’s muscles tensed as he forced himself not to move when his body desperately wanted to.
“I’m just gonna -“ Soren started as he began to disentangle them and get up, but Corvus froze.
“We can change positions but…” Corvus took a steadying breath. Then, looking up into Soren’s eyes he whispered, “Can you please stay?”
Soren’s heart melted at the look in Corvus’s eyes.
“Yeah. Of course.” Soren promptly got back under the covers, propping a pillow up against the headboard to lean back against it.
Corvus latched onto Soren’s right side as he threw his bad leg over Soren to alleviate some of the pressure on it. He went back to using Soren’s chest as a pillow. Soren rested a hand on Corvus’s pajama-clad thigh, rubbing his thumb back and forth.
“Should we take it easy this weekend, babe?” Soren asked.
Corvus nodded hesitantly. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”
Soren scoffed. “Why would you apologize?!”
Corvus groaned and attempted to roll away - instead, he was met by Soren’s strong grip keeping him in place.
“Talk to me.” Soren said sternly. “What’s wrong?”
Once, when Corvus had first been getting used to the idea of this pain being permanent, and when he’d still been trying to figure out his daily medication regimen, Soren had found Corvus in a near comatose-like state, just sitting and staring off into the distance, unresponsive to any stimuli around him.
For Soren to find Corvus, who was usually so on guard and observing his surroundings, like that was… unnerving, to say the least. Corvus hardly remembered the incident. Just the foggy feeling that had flooded his mind for days and how difficult it had been to focus on anything.
How he hadn’t had the sense of mind to practice his cello, or write new music, or read, or… just do any of his usual hobbies, really. It was a good thing Ezran and Soren had given him some time off to adjust, even if he hadn’t wanted it at the time.
So now, whenever Soren could see Corvus shutting down, he tried to pull him back out of it. Whether that be through talking, Word Hands, or actual sign language when he was mentally feeling his worst.
Corvus groaned again, but relented. “I just… I feel guilty for making you stay in all weekend. You’re such a social butterfly, and I feel like I’m stealing you away from everyone.”
Soren opened his mouth immediately to rebut that statement, but Corvus put a finger to his lips so Corvus could finish his thoughts.
“It’s not just that. I also miss hanging out with the others. I know we’ve missed lots of game nights and Crownguard bonding time because of me. I might not want to go to parties all the time, but when I don’t even have a say so in if I can go…” Corvus’s voice got small. “It’s just hard. I’m so tired of living like this. I want to be able to stand up without hearing my joints popping, or without having to shake out my leg to ease the tension there. I’m just…” a tear came to Corvus’s eye and he attempted to blink it away. “I’m just so tired.”
Corvus could see Soren digesting his words and trying to figure out how to respond. Corvus loved to watch the wheels turn in his head.
Soren’s face brightened. Then, he spoke.
“What if… what if we held a party here? Or even a dinner or just a small get together? We can start small with people we trust implicitly, like the others on the Council, and then see about hosting a game night here with some other members of the Crownguard? I can take care of all the preparations, and you can stay in bed or on the couch until people get here. And that way, if you need a break, you’re just a room away instead of across the city.”
Then, Soren gasped excitedly. “People can come visit us, we can drink soothing tea, and I can say my latest poems to them!”
Corvus stared at him with wide eyes. It was such a simple solution, he was embarrassed that he never thought of it.
“How did I get so lucky?” Corvus murmured before giving Soren a quick kiss. “You’re a genius. That’s brilliant.”
Soren flushed. “Well, I don’t know about that -”
Corvus kissed him again, to stop that self-deprecating line of thought. “I do. I know. I’ve been so in my head about it all, feeling so guilty and stuck here…” Corvus shook his head, a small laugh bubbling up. “But it really is just that simple. Invite some people over.”
Corvus settled his head into the crook of Soren’s neck and Soren fiddled with one of Corvus’s locs. “You have a lot on your mind, and I get it. But that’s why it’s important to share these things with me.” Soren moved his hand to tilt Corvus’s head back towards his. “Because I am here to help. As your life partner, your best friend, your Co-Captain, and everything in between.” Soren rested his forehead against Corvus’s. “I just wish there was more I could do to help.”
A sniffle escaped Corvus as he attempted to hide how his eyes welled up with tears. “You’re so good to me. You do so much for me already, I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I just feel -“
Soren backed up and raised an eyebrow. “If you say you feel like a burden on me I will get out of bed.”
Corvus’s mouth snapped shut.
Soren chuckled and returned his forehead to Corvus’s.
“You are the opposite of a burden. You don’t need to repay me. I love you, just the way you are. Pain, disability, and all.
“You bring so much joy and light into my life. You’re the strongest person I know. I don’t know how it feels living in your body, but being able to see you in times like this when you’re struggling…” Soren shook his head, awestruck.
“I’m glad to be the one you ask for help. You do so much for others; which worries me more often than I’d like to admit. I just hate that it takes your body physically forcing you to stop to get you to actually do something for yourself. So if I can even play a small part in that…”
Soren inhaled sharply, gazing at Corvus with wonder in his eyes. “Helping you take care of yourself may be the greatest honor I’ve ever known.”
Corvus felt a traitorous tear slip down his cheek. Soren reached up a thumb to rub it away. Then, Soren placed both hands on Corvus’s cheeks, and squished.
Corvus snorted out a laugh through his tears.
“There we go! My favorite sound,” Soren said with a cocky grin, not moving his hands. “Can’t have that big, beautiful brain of yours making you feel bad. It needs to make you feel good so you can do the amazing things you do every day.”
“Now I’m gonna be crying happy tears…” Corvus forced out from his scrunched lips, as his eyes watered.
Soren released his grasp on Corvus’s face to gently wipe his tears again, before pressing his lips to Corvus’s. Corvus circled his arms around Soren’s neck, bringing them even closer together.
The only reason Soren separated them was so he could lay Corvus down in bed. Soren didn’t want Corvus to have to hold himself up for Soren’s sake, knowing that his leg must’ve been getting tired from their cuddle position. Soren would gladly smother Corvus in kisses regardless of how they lay in bed. Corvus might as well be as comfortable as he could be.
Once Corvus was settled, Soren promptly went back to kissing him.
“Soren, please, I need to breathe,” Corvus dramatically gasped out as he placed a blocking hand in front of Soren’s adamant mouth. Soren just shrugged and moved on from Corvus’s face to his neck. Shoulders. Chest.
Corvus still felt like he could barely breathe thanks to Soren’s new focus. He threaded his fingers through Soren’s hair with a contented sigh, tilting his head to the side as Soren mouthed at the area that was usually covered by armor or scarf.
“I love you,” Soren breathed against his skin right before each kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
Soren pushed Corvus’s sleep shirt up, getting it out of his path.
Each kiss got lower, and lower, and lower.
All Corvus could respond with was a breathy sigh and the tightening of his fingers in Soren’s hair. His own voice didn’t quite seem to be working at the moment.
…
When Soren needed a moment to catch his own breath, he crawled up to rest his elbows on either side of Corvus’s torso, gazing into Corvus’s eyes. Corvus massaged at Soren’s scalp with his fingers, and Soren’s eyes closed in delight.
“You’re too sweet to me,” Corvus murmured, bumping their noses together.
Soren’s eyes opened with a serious look in them. “No. I’m just loving you the way you deserve.” Then, Soren guided Corvus’s lips to his in a gentle kiss.
Corvus’s skin grew warm under Soren’s adoration.
Once his pain had started to hit him full-time a few years back, Corvus had never imagined that somebody would want him, would want to care for him. That nobody would want to make their way through life with him this way. Corvus had truly begun to feel like a burden to those around him, no matter how much Soren and the others tried to convince him otherwise.
Everything just seemed so difficult.
He wasn’t sure how else to feel when sometimes he lagged behind the group when walking, or needed extra time to go up and down the stairs. Sure, for now others turned around to check on him and make sure he was okay… but eventually they’d get tired of having to slow down their strides or wait for him, right?
And that didn’t even take into account all of the other things his pain brought along with it, like extra cushions and pillows and medications and the inability to sit or stand in one position for more than a few moments.
But then… Soren had still developed feelings for him, even when Corvus felt broken and unloveable. Soren still chose Corvus every day, still wanted Corvus. And it was times like this, when Soren was kissing him like that, like Corvus was the most important thing in his life, and saying all these nice things… maybe Corvus could believe that his brain was just trying to trick him into feeling bad about himself.
Maybe Soren would always be there for him, wanted to be there for him, and willing to help however he could.
And maybe he could believe that their friends also wanted to help.
A few minutes later, Corvus gently pushed Soren away after he heard Soren’s stomach grumble. “I think it’s time to get up,” he said with a small smile.
Slowly, the two separated. They untangled their limbs and just sat there, existing with each other.
Corvus stretched his arms above his head. Soren eyed the spot Corvus’s shirt rode up, and poked him in the side. Corvus let out a noise of surprise and gave as menacing a glare as he could muster at Soren.
It wasn’t that menacing.
“Need another massage?” Soren asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Corvus was glad his dark skin hid his blush fairly well. He cleared his throat. “Can I get a rain check on that for sometime after breakfast?” Corvus asked with a grin.
Soren pouted, but nodded.
“And maybe I can return the favor,” Corvus added with a wink. This time, it was Soren’s turn to turn red. And what a lovely shade it was on him.
Corvus couldn’t help himself - he leaned over and gave Soren a quick peck.
“Want me to do some stretches with you?” Soren asked once they separated, placing his chin on Corvus’s shoulder.
Corvus thought about it. Soren always made stretching enjoyable (specifically, watching Soren was enjoyable), but Corvus also couldn’t help comparing himself to Soren. Soren made it look effortless, while Corvus struggled to touch his toes without wincing. Sometimes it frustrated Corvus. After their good morning…
Corvus shook his head. “No, no. I got this.”
Soren grinned with full confidence in his partner. “Of course you do. I’ll go make us some breakfast.”
Soren left their room, but not before giving Corvus yet another kiss, this time on his cheek.
Corvus started his stretches with a smile on his face. They had some get-togethers to plan.
…
Author’s note: Fun fact, I’ve had this completed for… a very long while. Like, I had Jelly-of-stuck-in-jelly-read-this-last-August a while.
I actually created the document it’s housed in during March of 2025, months before I ever had my own diagnosis. I worked on it slowly but surely all spring and summer 2025. I channeled my frustrations, my bad experience with my first medication post diagnosis, and so much more into Corvus.
Now, I’ve been on a medication that’s been working as well as it can for me for 6+ months.
Anyway! If you made it this far. Thank you so much for reading. I’ll see you next time.
I keep thinking about Eridians and Rocky’s gem from Adrian and his celebration outfit.
The little stone rocky had from adrian was literally in his arm, and it made me think about Grace getting a stone like that from Rocky, which lead to me wondering if Grace could have it in his skin somehow. Earrings. Earrings would be perfect for this.
I was ALSO thinking about Rocky’s celebration outfit- who’s to say Grace can’t have something similar? Celebration jewellery for the local alien! Earrings that dangle and make pretty sounds when Grace moves.
Doing a final project in my stats class, we have to pick a subject and collect data on it. We need at least 100 data points, and I figured this blog is big enough that a poll on here could get to that pretty easily!
Doing my project on if it’s more likely to be born in certain months :]
I have gotten the OK from my teacher to collect data using a Tumblr poll, btw. I’m also going to have to send her this post as proof of where I got the data from / proof I didn’t just make up the numbers. So. Behave
ok so this is another long shot but a few years ago there was a twitter post (in japanese i think?) that had measurememts for how to make this book stand thing out of cardboard that you could use to double up books and use up more space on shelves
back then i made a bunch of these but by now i lost the pic and dont know how to find the original post anymore
if it comes down to it i can just take one apart and get the measurements from there but i would be very grateful if anyone happens to have the original post or something similar??
don't mind how long it's been since i made this post, anyway i realized that i don't even need to take one apart to get the measurements when i can literally just unfold it and refold it /FACEPALM
so anyway here is the diagram for anyone else who is interested!!
this requires pretty big carboard pieces, if you have a really big box or something you can make it from one piece, but if you don't, you can also just make each of the pieces individually and then tape them together
and then in the end you put it together like this!!
and then when you make a bunch you can put them all next to each other and stack your books like crazy
EVERYONE START GETTING MORE USE OUT OF YOUR SPACE NOW!!!!
Not to sound like a decrepit, rambling corpse about it, but back in my day Word used to be a pre installed program that came with your computer, if you were running Windows.
No subscription. Just program.
On your computer. You got to use it forever and ever and never had to worry about it going away.
Because it was physically on your computer. As a program. That you actually owned. Not because you got it separately, but because it was a standard inclusion with your computer.
I'm sorry but I'll just never get over it. I remember when companies cared about their products being usable out of the box. I remember when our things belonged to us.
Old man shaking fist at cloud, wherein the cloud is the background of the Windows 98 logo.
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