one time a guy friend told me he was quitting league of legends and literally two weeks later she was on estrogen. these events are intrinsically connected in my mind.
I can't put you back together, but I'll always love you so
AO3
Summary: Corvus was in pain.
Which wasnāt exactly a new feeling, for him. He may only be in his mid-twenties, but after the amount of tumbles heād taken in his youth and early-twenties, his body wasnāt very happy with him.
Usually he tried to ignore it. It was always there, but heād found things that helped.
Note: This fic was created out of pain, and if youāre in chronic pain like me, Iām sending you so much love. May we all find our Soren someday (whether youāre looking for that platonically or romantically).
ā¦
Corvus was in pain.
Which wasnāt exactly a new feeling, for him. He may only be in his mid-twenties, but after the amount of tumbles heād taken in his youth and early-twenties, his body wasnāt very happy with him.
Usually he tried to ignore it. It was always there, but heād found things that helped. The healing powers of Sunfire Elves, some of Mukhoās magical salves, and other random ointments promising relief that he and Soren had picked up on their travels. And of course, the standard protocol of doctors visits.
They all helped.
A little.
For a bit.
But it was always there in the background. He was never truly comfortable. Riding on horses, dragons, or otherwise for too long often left him in secret agony, unless heād brought a salve or potion along to help ease the pain.
And still, that was only briefly.
Corvus could normally work through the pain. Even on days he felt poorly and like surely there was no way he could go stand in the throne room or sit in a council chair for hours on end or make it up another set of stairs, he usually somehow did it.
Unfortunately, that meant his days off were usually either spent recovering from the work week and he had to take it easy, or he couldnāt get out of bed or off of the couch.
Soren tried to help as much as he could. Soren was an expert in all things physical, so aside from being Corvusās boyfriend heād also taken it upon himself to be Corvusās personal physical therapist, masseuse, and anything else Soren could think of to help.
He reminded Corvus to stretch. If Corvus didnāt feel up to that, heād learned how to give massages. When none of that worked, Soren simply sat (or stood or laid) with Corvus.
Sometimes Corvus cried into Sorenās shoulder, angry at his own body for turning against him like this. Especially at such a young age when everybody was telling him to enjoy his 20s and to take advantage of his good joints before he turned 30 and it all āwent downhill.ā
Trying to grapple with the fact that heād feel like this forever. And if it went downhill after 30, what would he feel like then?
Sometimes Corvus just wanted to feel Sorenās warmth and weight on him like a blanket, something to distract him from the pain. Soren was always obliged to be Corvusās living weighted blanket.
Sometimes Corvus couldnāt stand the thought of anything touching him. So Soren would justā¦ be there for him. Soren would read his current book aloud, or brainstorm a poem, or practice jokes.
Even if Corvus didnāt always feel up to laughing or responding, Soren was good at diverting his attention elsewhere.
This had been a week where Corvus had pushed through the pain, whether he should have or not. He needed to feel like he was useful, like he was helpful, like he was doing something.
Unfortunately, it seemed his body disagreed with his need to be helpful around the castle. His pain was so great heād slept fitfully all night and it finally woke him up. So, even though it was only the very early morning, the sun not even over the horizon yet, it appeared that he would be homebound for the weekend. Usually, Corvus loved being antisocial in his downtime. But as soon as it was forced upon him? He wanted to be outside with others, enjoying the sunshine or even the rain.
He also felt guilty, because Soren would stay by Corvusās side as much as he possibly could to help in whatever ways Corvus needed. Corvus felt like he was keeping Soren from his friends, or parties, or other various Crownguard related get-togethers.
Not that Soren would ever say anything or complain about it. But Corvus still felt bad.
Corvus rolled over in bed, yet again, trying to get comfortable. But nothing was ever comfortable for long. His bad knee and hip would start aching in a few minutes, regardless of how he laid. This time, he ended up facing away from Soren.
Even in his sleep, Soren inched closer to Corvus and wrapped himself around Corvus tightly, burying himself into Corvusās back. It was like he could sense Corvusās negative thoughts and was shielding Corvus with his own body to keep them at bay.
Corvus couldnāt stop the smile that came to his face. The way Soren held him sometimes reminded him of the way Soren would snuggle one of his plush toys. It made Corvus feelā¦ precious. Cared for.
Corvus leaned back into Soren, using his chest as a pillow of sorts, and closed his eyes again.
ā¦
Once the sun was up, Corvus woke up again to lazy kisses on the back of his neck. He yawned and craned his head towards Soren. āGāmorning,ā he mumbled.
āGood morning,ā Soren responded, taking a break from kissing Corvusās neck to kiss the edge of Corvusās lips, then his cheek. āIām sorry if I woke you.ā
āItās fine,ā he said through a yawn. āBest way to be woken up anyway.ā Corvus replied as he carefully rolled in Sorenās grasp to face him. Corvusās eyes gently drifted closed again.
Now, he felt kisses on his cheeks, forehead, eyes - anywhere on Corvusās face that Soren could reach. Corvus couldnāt help his sleepy smile as his eyes slowly reopened. āSomebodyās in a good mood.ā
āYouāre just too cute when youāre asleep,ā Soren whined. āYou look soā¦ peaceful.ā
āI wish I felt that way,ā Corvus mumbled, looking away.
Soren frowned, putting a hand to Corvusās cheek so they were face to face. āBad day already?ā
Corvus hesitated a moment before meeting his eyes and nodding.
āDo you need me to move?ā
Corvus shook his head, clinging to Soren. His hands fisted in Sorenās shirt to keep him close. He might not be comfortable, but he was happy. Corvus wanted to stay lost in Soren for a little longer. āNo. I just want to be close to you right now, regardless of the pain.ā
Sorenās frown deepened. āBut I donāt want you in pain.ā
āI know, love, but neither of us really has a choice,ā Corvus sighed. āFor now, I just want to cuddle with my partner.ā
Soren nodded, bringing up a hand to run his fingers along the nape of Corvusās neck, gently massaging. Corvus wrapped his arms around Sorenās neck, playing with his hair as he found his favorite spot in the crook of Sorenās neck, where it felt like his head was meant to fit. Then Soren hooked a leg around Corvusās, bringing him closer. Soren also wanted to enjoy the closeness while Corvusās body could handle it.
Soren alternated where he caressed, switching from Corvusās neck, to his back, to his side, as Corvus just curled into Soren and breathed.
After a little while, Soren began to get antsy. Corvus could tell by the way Sorenās muscles tensed as he forced himself not to move when his body desperately wanted to.
āIām just gonna -ā Soren started as he began to disentangle them and get up, but Corvus froze.
āWe can change positions butā¦ā Corvus took a steadying breath. Then, looking up into Sorenās eyes he whispered, āCan you please stay?ā
Sorenās heart melted at the look in Corvusās eyes.
āYeah. Of course.ā Soren promptly got back under the covers, propping a pillow up against the headboard to lean back against it.
Corvus latched onto Sorenās right side as he threw his bad leg over Soren to alleviate some of the pressure on it. He went back to using Sorenās chest as a pillow. Soren rested a hand on Corvusās pajama-clad thigh, rubbing his thumb back and forth.
āShould we take it easy this weekend, babe?ā Soren asked.
Corvus groaned and attempted to roll away - instead, he was met by Sorenās strong grip keeping him in place.
āTalk to me.ā Soren said sternly. āWhatās wrong?ā
Once, when Corvus had first been getting used to the idea of this pain being permanent, and when heād still been trying to figure out his daily medication regimen, Soren had found Corvus in a near comatose-like state, just sitting and staring off into the distance, unresponsive to any stimuli around him.
For Soren to find Corvus, who was usually so on guard and observing his surroundings, like that wasā¦ unnerving, to say the least. Corvus hardly remembered the incident. Just the foggy feeling that had flooded his mind for days and how difficult it had been to focus on anything.
How he hadnāt had the sense of mind to practice his cello, or write new music, or read, orā¦ just do any of his usual hobbies, really. It was a good thing Ezran and Soren had given him some time off to adjust, even if he hadnāt wanted it at the time.
So now, whenever Soren could see Corvus shutting down, he tried to pull him back out of it. Whether that be through talking, Word Hands, or actual sign language when he was mentally feeling his worst.
Corvus groaned again, but relented. āI justā¦ I feel guilty for making you stay in all weekend. Youāre such a social butterfly, and I feel like Iām stealing you away from everyone.ā
Soren opened his mouth immediately to rebut that statement, but Corvus put a finger to his lips so Corvus could finish his thoughts.
āItās not just that. I also miss hanging out with the others. I know weāve missed lots of game nights and Crownguard bonding time because of me. I might not want to go to parties all the time, but when I donāt even have a say so in if I can goā¦ā Corvusās voice got small. āItās just hard. Iām so tired of living like this. I want to be able to stand up without hearing my joints popping, or without having to shake out my leg to ease the tension there. Iām justā¦ā a tear came to Corvusās eye and he attempted to blink it away. āIām just so tired.ā
Corvus could see Soren digesting his words and trying to figure out how to respond. Corvus loved to watch the wheels turn in his head.
Sorenās face brightened. Then, he spoke.
āWhat ifā¦ what if we held a party here? Or even a dinner or just a small get together? We can start small with people we trust implicitly, like the others on the Council, and then see about hosting a game night here with some other members of the Crownguard? I can take care of all the preparations, and you can stay in bed or on the couch until people get here. And that way, if you need a break, youāre just a room away instead of across the city.ā
Then, Soren gasped excitedly. āPeople can come visit us, we can drink soothing tea, and I can say my latest poems to them!ā
Corvus stared at him with wide eyes. It was such a simple solution, he was embarrassed that he never thought of it.
āHow did I get so lucky?ā Corvus murmured before giving Soren a quick kiss. āYouāre a genius. Thatās brilliant.ā
Soren flushed. āWell, I donāt know about that -ā
Corvus kissed him again, to stop that self-deprecating line of thought. āI do. I know. Iāve been so in my head about it all, feeling so guilty and stuck hereā¦ā Corvus shook his head, a small laugh bubbling up. āBut it really is just that simple. Invite some people over.ā
Corvus settled his head into the crook of Sorenās neck and Soren fiddled with one of Corvusās locs. āYou have a lot on your mind, and I get it. But thatās why itās important to share these things with me.ā Soren moved his hand to tilt Corvusās head back towards his. āBecause I am here to help. As your life partner, your best friend, your Co-Captain, and everything in between.ā Soren rested his forehead against Corvusās. āI just wish there was more I could do to help.ā
A sniffle escaped Corvus as he attempted to hide how his eyes welled up with tears. āYouāre so good to me. You do so much for me already, I donāt know how I can ever repay you. I just feel -ā
Soren backed up and raised an eyebrow. āIf you say you feel like a burden on me I will get out of bed.ā
Corvusās mouth snapped shut.
Soren chuckled and returned his forehead to Corvusās.
āYou are the opposite of a burden. You donāt need to repay me. I love you, just the way you are. Pain, disability, and all.
āYou bring so much joy and light into my life. Youāre the strongest person I know. I donāt know how it feels living in your body, but being able to see you in times like this when youāre strugglingā¦ā Soren shook his head, awestruck.
āIām glad to be the one you ask for help. You do so much for others; which worries me more often than Iād like to admit. I just hate that it takes your body physically forcing you to stop to get you to actually do something for yourself. So if I can even play a small part in thatā¦ā
Soren inhaled sharply, gazing at Corvus with wonder in his eyes. āHelping you take care of yourself may be the greatest honor Iāve ever known.ā
Corvus felt a traitorous tear slip down his cheek. Soren reached up a thumb to rub it away. Then, Soren placed both hands on Corvusās cheeks, and squished.
Corvus snorted out a laugh through his tears.
āThere we go! My favorite sound,ā Soren said with a cocky grin, not moving his hands. āCanāt have that big, beautiful brain of yours making you feel bad. It needs to make you feel good so you can do the amazing things you do every day.ā
āNow Iām gonna be crying happy tearsā¦ā Corvus forced out from his scrunched lips, as his eyes watered.
Soren released his grasp on Corvusās face to gently wipe his tears again, before pressing his lips to Corvusās. Corvus circled his arms around Sorenās neck, bringing them even closer together.
The only reason Soren separated them was so he could lay Corvus down in bed. Soren didnāt want Corvus to have to hold himself up for Sorenās sake, knowing that his leg mustāve been getting tired from their cuddle position. Soren would gladly smother Corvus in kisses regardless of how they lay in bed. Corvus might as well be as comfortable as he could be.
Once Corvus was settled, Soren promptly went back to kissing him.
āSoren, please, I need to breathe,ā Corvus dramatically gasped out as he placed a blocking hand in front of Sorenās adamant mouth. Soren just shrugged and moved on from Corvusās face to his neck. Shoulders. Chest.
Corvus still felt like he could barely breathe thanks to Sorenās new focus. He threaded his fingers through Sorenās hair with a contented sigh, tilting his head to the side as Soren mouthed at the area that was usually covered by armor or scarf.
āI love you,ā Soren breathed against his skin right before each kiss. āI love you. I love you. I love you.ā
Soren pushed Corvusās sleep shirt up, getting it out of his path.
Each kiss got lower, and lower, and lower.
All Corvus could respond with was a breathy sigh and the tightening of his fingers in Sorenās hair. His own voice didnāt quite seem to be working at the moment.
ā¦
When Soren needed a moment to catch his own breath, he crawled up to rest his elbows on either side of Corvusās torso, gazing into Corvusās eyes. Corvus massaged at Sorenās scalp with his fingers, and Sorenās eyes closed in delight.
āYouāre too sweet to me,ā Corvus murmured, bumping their noses together.
Sorenās eyes opened with a serious look in them. āNo. Iām just loving you the way you deserve.ā Then, Soren guided Corvusās lips to his in a gentle kiss.
Corvusās skin grew warm under Sorenās adoration.
Once his pain had started to hit him full-time a few years back, Corvus had never imagined that somebody would want him, would want to care for him. That nobody would want to make their way through life with him this way. Corvus had truly begun to feel like a burden to those around him, no matter how much Soren and the others tried to convince him otherwise.
Everything just seemed so difficult.
He wasnāt sure how else to feel when sometimes he lagged behind the group when walking, or needed extra time to go up and down the stairs. Sure, for now others turned around to check on him and make sure he was okayā¦ but eventually theyād get tired of having to slow down their strides or wait for him, right?
And that didnāt even take into account all of the other things his pain brought along with it, like extra cushions and pillows and medications and the inability to sit or stand in one position for more than a few moments.
But thenā¦ Soren had still developed feelings for him, even when Corvus felt broken and unloveable. Soren still chose Corvus every day, still wanted Corvus. And it was times like this, when Soren was kissing him like that, like Corvus was the most important thing in his life, and saying all these nice thingsā¦ maybe Corvus could believe that his brain was just trying to trick him into feeling bad about himself.
Maybe Soren would always be there for him, wanted to be there for him, and willing to help however he could.
And maybe he could believe that their friends also wanted to help.
A few minutes later, Corvus gently pushed Soren away after he heard Sorenās stomach grumble. āI think itās time to get up,ā he said with a small smile.
Slowly, the two separated. They untangled their limbs and just sat there, existing with each other.
Corvus stretched his arms above his head. Soren eyed the spot Corvusās shirt rode up, and poked him in the side. Corvus let out a noise of surprise and gave as menacing a glare as he could muster at Soren.
It wasnāt that menacing.
āNeed another massage?ā Soren asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Corvus was glad his dark skin hid his blush fairly well. He cleared his throat. āCan I get a rain check on that for sometime after breakfast?ā Corvus asked with a grin.
Soren pouted, but nodded.
āAnd maybe I can return the favor,ā Corvus added with a wink. This time, it was Sorenās turn to turn red. And what a lovely shade it was on him.
Corvus couldnāt help himself - he leaned over and gave Soren a quick peck.
āWant me to do some stretches with you?ā Soren asked once they separated, placing his chin on Corvusās shoulder.
Corvus thought about it. Soren always made stretching enjoyable (specifically, watching Soren was enjoyable), but Corvus also couldnāt help comparing himself to Soren. Soren made it look effortless, while Corvus struggled to touch his toes without wincing. Sometimes it frustrated Corvus. After their good morningā¦
Corvus shook his head. āNo, no. I got this.ā
Soren grinned with full confidence in his partner. āOf course you do. Iāll go make us some breakfast.ā
Soren left their room, but not before giving Corvus yet another kiss, this time on his cheek.
Corvus started his stretches with a smile on his face. They had some get-togethers to plan.
ā¦
Authorās note: Fun fact, Iāve had this completed forā¦ a very long while. Like, I had Jelly-of-stuck-in-jelly-read-this-last-August a while.
I actually created the document itās housed in during March of 2025, months before I ever had my own diagnosis. I worked on it slowly but surely all spring and summer 2025. I channeled my frustrations, my bad experience with my first medication post diagnosis, and so much more into Corvus.
Now, Iāve been on a medication thatās been working as well as it can for me for 6+ months.
Anyway! If you made it this far. Thank you so much for reading. Iāll see you next time.
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