i dont think my parents and me like being around eachother. thats not even like a guess either like i know my mom does not like being around me. its so weird to me though how casual it is, like, it only ever comes up when i want something from them or they want something from me but other than that were just not close. they dont know my favorite color, my favorite subject, or what kind of music i like. i mentioned a few months ago to my dad something about how hamlet was my favorite book and he just said "really? huh thats kind of weird." its been my favorite book for four years. ive talked about it for four years. when they talk to other people about me, my dad says things like "shes so smart" or "shes really into drawing" or "oh shes very retro" and my mom says things like "shes a lot." one time i overheard her talking to my grandparents and she said "she really likes being around people, shes just not very good at it." since my dad always brings up the retro thing try to talk to him about that but it never really goes anywhere. recently hes been using grok alot and he talks to it like its a person. he thinks im being silly when i get upset when he asks it for ideas and opinions while im in the room with him too. like well be mid conversation and hell ask it to explain something he doesnt remember. like hell stop mid sentance and ask it a question. the past few times it was not only stuff that i knew, but stuff that i love talking about and explaining. shit like the vietnam war and the iran contra afair. like, i cant expect him to know every little thing im obsessed with if we dont even really talk, but if were having a conversation about it then u could assume its probably something i know about? i dont know i just feel like its kind of depressing. its not like theyre like abusive or neglectful of anything bad like that, like the worst i ever got was probably a single slap in the face and slap in the shoulder years ago but whenever i think about talking to them about something i remember my mom telling me that i should just bottle it up because look at everyone who doesnt and where it gets them, and i think about my dad telling me taht if i dont want to have the kinds of problems i have that i need to just work harder at being normal and fitting in. im not sure that well talk when i move out, i know summers n stuff exist but ive always imagined myself doing far away jobs like camp councilor or park ranger. i feel bad for my siblings because i do really love them and care about them, but i dont think ill see them as much as i should, especially josie. i feel really bad cause its no ones fault really, but i still kind of resent them for it all sometimes, and i know they feel the same way about me.
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