Mind Vomit

[1-2-05-blog]

I told you so...

I told you that you shouldn't have loved me. I told you that I'm just going to fuck shit allllll the way up. I felt this was gonna happen, just like it has so many times before. I make a quick decision based off of something completely stupid I feel and become too much of a pussy to own up to my mistakes. I told you that I didn't deserve you. It's funny how I've talked about all my shitty mistakes in the past with you just to make them happen again. I'm sorry because I already know how much pain I've brought on you. I want you back, but I want to protect you from me and my dumb choices. I knew I would have done this.. I knew I would've been a fucking dumbass and push away the only person who cared for my sorry ass. I told you all this and you still stayed. Did you not believe me? Did you think I would just lie about how shitty I am? I'm not blaming any of this on you, but I knew that this would happen. I'm such a pussy.. I'm so useless.. I seriously pushed away the only person I cared about for the sake of my fucking ego. I love her, but like always, I've managed to pushed her away.

[hodlmyvodka]

Russian hockey player with the ridiculous penalty shootout

[bnprime]

a hero

[ouc-h-deactivated20180811]

it’s all about that one person you think about whenever music plays

[1-2-05-blog]

New Low

I feel so low all of a sudden. I feel like everything's gonna crumble soon. Everyone is going to get tired of me. Everything I think I'm good at, other people will be better. Thinking like this isn't going to fix anything, but at this point I doubt anything will. Everything seems so pointless and I feel pointless too. I'm not used to this and I don't think I'll act on any of this feelings, but sometimes I don't know...

[1-2-05-blog]

The Return

I'm starting to feel like I'm going through another phase... I'm frightened because I know what this can do to me. Do I even have control over my feelings anymore? Fuck. I feel like everything I do is intentional. The way I feel, act, and sound. Is that weird? Have I become that much of an empty shell? It comes in wave so it's something mental, but I can't seem to figure out why this happens to me. Is it all just in my head? Probably. Until I figure that out I guess I'll just let the knife scrape the soft surface of my skin to wake myself up..

[1-2-05-blog]

Life Mission?

I love you, I can't get you out of my head. Thankfully, you feel the same way. I can't even wrap my head around how I feel about you. You're a really great person and of course I look forward to having you in my future. Sometimes I feel like crying because of how lucky I am...other times it's different.

We say all these things about how we want to live together, have kids, and grow old, and believe me that sounds like heaven on Earth. I don't know if it's because of how much my past relationships have fucked me up or what, but it's so hard to think you won't start to lose interest. I ask you these things and you say you that you'll never leave me. How can I know? How can I be sure? Will the one person who I actually care about in this world eventually leave? It's not that I don't trust you, I do, I just feel so scared of the thought.. I'm afraid you're gonna leave when we get older. I'm afraid that my fear will push you away. I'm afraid that all the things I feel for you will never matter in the end..

You say that I make you happy and that literally makes my heart jump. You tell me that I'm you're everything and that makes my heart race. You tell me that you love me, and that makes my heart explode. I want to spend my whole life with you, but I don't know if I'm good enough for you. I care about you and I want your life to be filled with happiness and relief. I know that no one is always happy, but I don't want my insecurities to prevent your happiness either.

I love you. I always will.

[1-2-05-blog]

"How many kids do you want?"

- my little vegetable

[thisnameisfalse]

Google’s DeepMind AI just taught itself to walk

[1-2-05-blog]

"You're my everything"

My special vegetable :P

[1-2-05-blog]

Hate

Am I useless? I feel like I am. I want to help you but I can't. I can't do anything right.. you say you love me, but that just can't be right. I'm terrible and you're just too good for me. I can't be as special as you make me out to be. I'm worthless, just pitiful. I don't deserve this world. I hate myself, but I just don't show it to you. You should hate me too.. I get angry, I never know what to say, and I can't even interpret my own feelings properly.

[1-2-05-blog]

Tension

I tell you some of the words I keep bottled up in my heart, and they make you smile. That's great because after all, your happiness is my happiness. I hope you believe the words I tell you, and I hope you know they're true. I can tell you anything, I know I can, but sometimes I feel like I've said it all. I feel this way, but I know I haven't even scratched the surface of all the bottled up emotions I have for you. I wonder if you're going through the same thing too. I wonder if I'm just too attached and can't seem to let go. I tell you my feelings because you're the one who draws them out of me. You're like a slippery key that just manages to open up the secrets I keep locked away. I want to be more open with you and I want you to see. I love you and I want nothing more than for you to be happy with me. It's just so hard to open up sometimes and it kills me.

[1-2-05-blog]

11-1-25-12-9-5

When you love someone you will do anything for them...

If the sound of your voice keeps them sane

Then you would talk forever. 

If the touch of your skin on theirs kept them happy,

You would hold them as tight as possible forever

If it makes them happy for you to go away,

Then you would move to another country.

If your presence keeps them well,

Then you would stay with them forever.

Because you see, 

When you love someone you would do anything for them to be happy

Even if it means you have to sacrifice your own happiness.

[1-2-05-blog]

Forever...

I know that you're self conscious, and that you obviously aren't confident in your appearance. I know people have abused you and bullied you throughout your life and it leaves a scar. You know that I care about you, and I want you to be healthy both physically and mentally. I don't know how many times I need to tell you to believe me, but you're fucking stunning. I'd show you to the whole world if I could. I think, that the only reason you think all this shit about your face is because of what bullies have said about it. If that's the truth and you believe them so much, why can't you believe me when i say something about you. When I say that your hair, eyes, nose, ears, and smile come together to make a beautiful piece of art you just push that to the side. It makes me feel like shit knowing that I cant be there to show you what you're worth to me. But honestly, its a big middle finger to my face when you keep belittling yourself. It makes me feel like nothing knowing my words don't mean shit to you. I'm sorry but it really does. Still here if you need anything...

[1-2-05-blog]

Love?

Listen, I know I fucked up really badly… we both know. We both agreed that nothing else would happen so that we could prevent more toxic shit from happening. Yeah it was a while ago and I know you’re so much happier. But honestly, I hate that. We had so much. So much time, so many secrets, sp many vulnerabilities… I think we went to deep tbh. Shit just wasn’t meant to be so intense between us. We’re a bit older now and still growing. I feel differently and I’m sure you do too. Everything was just like a fucked up game of chess. You manipulate me, I belittle you, all because of how much we wanted one another. I still want you… I want my sheets to smell like you again, I want the trails to be less lonely, I need you. I miss everything about you. I miss the way your silky brown hair elegantly falls on your shoulders. I miss the way you look when you laugh. I miss the way you were so strong, even during all that bullshit that happened with your ex. I miss your hazel eyes staring deep into mine. I miss the way you put me over yourself. I love you. I want to hold you in my arms again. I want to stay with you through the long, sleepless nights again. I want to walk down the old brick roads with you again. I want to feel your lips pressed against mine again… You did so much for me. I want to be in your life. I’m ready to change now, just let me.

[1-2-05-blog]

Comparing?

I guess I don’t know where I am anymore. After moving so much I’ve always wanted to slow down and stop because I’ve loved all my friends. I’ve stopped now, but I don’t want it to be here… I used to be happy, confident, content, whatever the fuck I felt like. Here I’m so controlled and manipulated. Sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a mask, different masks. A strong mask, a happy mask, a sad mask, a funny mask. Anything that I felt was appropriate. All of this fake shit because of soo much negativity. It just goes to show how when there are a lot of people dragging you down to your level, you fall faster and faster. Shit just isn’t the same, like how I used to feel like I was somebody. I did sooo much and accomplished so many things. Here, I just feel like a used napkin.. I haven’t done anything special and I’m scared I never will. I’m scared I’m going to end up a small minded, ignorant, boring person who stays in one place and never leaves. I want to be happier, full of life, and do something. I can’t though..

[1-2-05-blog]

Sorry I haven't told you

She gets insulted, by a lot of people and it beats down on her. People make fun of her body, her face, and even her intelligence. I want to help her and show her what's she's worth but it's so hard. It feels bad knowing that we're just friends and I can't really tell her what I think(At least not directly to her). I want to tell her how whenever I'm talking with her I just can't help but smile. I want to tell her smile is the cutest, most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I want to tell her that she doesn't need to change a single thing about herself for anyone else. She hates herself, but I love her...

[1-2-05-blog]

All the coincidences

Why are there so many little things that just fuck up entire situations? I wish all the little things could stay simple so I wouldn’t have to live my life settling for something I don’t want. Meeting certain people, going certain places, and just existing feels like shit sometimes all because of minor inconveniences. Life would almost be perfect if things were just aligned the right way, but that’s obviously not gonna happen.