Everything I Will Never Be Able To Say.

'She was like the moon. A part of her was always hidden..'

[wetheurban]

You owe it to yourself to see how great it can get.

[brndnslvra]

I lost half of my life to my trauma. Theres a lot I need to make up for.

[1305-11]

On second note - let’s change the narrative. I’m so excited and can’t wait to marry you.

[1305-11]

7/9/24 1302

I’ve had some good days but the feelings are creeping in again. I don’t know what they are or how to explain it. I don’t even know what it’s about anymore

Is it that I’m not coping with the change? Or that I’m overwhelmed with the monotony of everyday life? Or the fact that we’re all getting older and I’m not young anymore? That doesn’t even make sense. It kinda comes in waves, but everything around me is moving so fast. I dreamt of all this happening and wanted it asap, but now that it is i think im scared.

[1305-11]

1742 20/8/24

I know I only write when I’m feeling bad so I’ll write now to prove otherwise. I had a good chat with T and felt better after. Went for a nice walk with pounce. Focusing on the here and now and not worrying about anything else.

[1305-11]

18/8/24 2104

Why do I keep feeling like this? I keep imagining scenarios in my head and it feels real, like my brain trying to convince me ? I feel like I’m almost distracted to what is going on around me cause I’m so stuck up there. I feel horrible.

[1305-11]

1456 15/8/24

Anxious, stressed, nervous, overwhelmed.

My thoughts keep spiraling and my mind is trying to make up scenarios that upset and scare me so much. I want to run and escape. Why is this so triggering? The pressure? Am I drained from other parts in my life and I’m zoning in on this? I love him so much it hurts. And I’m scared.

I think I’m so overwhelmed in my life with two really major stressful things going on and I’m trying to hold myself together and being a logical person I think I’m trying to search for a reason or create one? Which then is causing more stress.

[1305-11]

12/8/24 1140

Feel so emotional and drained. Like heaviness that is hard to shake off.

[1305-11]

25/7/24 2048

“There’s nothing more than I want is to be with you and watch the sunrise”

It’s wild to me how I thought I was over my traumas and insecurities but they are still there. I see our life as old nonni and I want it so bad, so why can’t I get past this anxiety? I want to work on this.

[1305-11]

16/7/24 2220

I think for so long I have had this idgaf attitude, like I don’t need him or anyone, as a defence mechanism. And I think for a while that may be true. But now, to be faced with the realisation that it’s actually the total opposite, that I do need him and don’t want to lose him, is making me really fucking scared. It’s like i have resorted to my default push away to almost create a situation that’s not there? To like trigger the situation to come true to show that I was right? (When I’m really not).

I am scared and that’s why I’m needing and wanting the extra reassurance / love. I’m scared because I care, and that’s okay.

[1305-11]

23/6/24 1540

I can’t help but be emotional about it but I’m starting to think it’s all stemming from fear, and my self sabotage ways are intergecting to try validate that fear, when in reality it really shouldn’t. Because the other option makes me more upset, and almost feeds into the self sabotage ways of isolating myself.

It’s so hard to seperate the irrational thoughts from my own true feelings when the thoughts are my own voice.

[1305-11]

13/6/24 2157

Feeling anxious. I have moments when I’m excited / happy about it all then other times when this emotion creeps back in and it stresses me out so much. Is it the fear of commitment? But that doesn’t make sense because I was totally fine before all of this and have been committed for ages. Sometimes I think it’s because of what happened and then to me, marriage ends or doesn’t go well. I had a dream he cheated and I felt so funny when I woke up, then I had a dream that I cheated also. Unresolved feelings? I feel like I want to cry but I can’t even.

So am I trying to run away and create an issue that’s not actually there? Or is this a feeling? Either way I look at it I’m upset. I don’t want to lose you and the thought of that makes me upset. Is it a self sabotage thing? Its so funny cause when I thought it wasn’t happening for ages I actually got upset and wanted it, now that’s happened I’m feeling another way.

I am also triggered upset about needing to lose weight. Its like I’m putting it off and it’s starting to make me binge again. The stress of new job also I’m sure doesn’t help.

[1305-11]

7/3/24 0041

Tonight was a really bad night. For no real particular reason which makes it even worse. Is it a fear of losing you? Am I pushing you away? Anxiety is so high rn and it’s becoming really hard to stay grounded. How do you block out those thoughts when it’s spoken in your own voice?

[1305-11]

7/12/23 1054

I want to avoid everyone and everything.

Im getting so anxious and stressed. This should be such a happy time in my life and all I want to do is cry??? I am so confused. I feel horrible that I feel this way. I felt so much better after talking about it last night but now then feeling has come back. Am I overwhelmed with the planning? Am I overwhelmed about the decision? That’s strsssing me out even more. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My thoughts were racing.

Im trying to lean into it all and push past this. But I’m really struggling. Why can’t I be happy about it????? WTF

[1305-11]

14:43 8/10/23

It’s been a moment.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Have felt funny for a couple of days and things have just been stockpiling I think. Almost like I felt smothered. All these amazing things are happening to me and around me recently and I should be so happy but all I feel like doing is crying. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed. I called F and had a cry about what I thought it originally was about but I think the overarching theme is always going back to me not feeling good enough or that I don’t deserve these things?

But at the same time I then flick back to freaking out about is this a genuine feeling or is this my brain trying to back out of something out of fear? How do I even talk to you about this so you understand without hurting you? I feel like I make sure everyone else around me is fine but don’t take care of myself.

I just had to get out of the house I felt so trapped almost but came for a walk to the cemetery. It’s so pretty here. Then the guilt kicked in about me crying over what feels like irrational fears when there are people with loved ones here feeling real grief and sadness.

I want to look forward to my future but I just don’t know what to do. Trying to stay rational. :(

[1305-11]

5/9/22 0047

I feel so fucking triggered. I can’t believe this has happened again. I can’t see how you could do this to me again. My heart feels so heavy and I haven’t stopped crying. I don’t even know if this even affects you, I feel like it doesn’t. I hate the person I just became. Why the fuck did I just do that I’m so mad FUCKING HELL. It’s like I’m repeating my parents actions and I hate that. It’s me and you. It should’ve always been me and you.

I don’t know what to do now. Where to go from here. I hate that this has happened now. We were in such a good place. What does this mean?

I’m not sure 💔

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]