Impulse.

21. Female. Australian. Medical Student. Bipolar 1. Borderline personality disorder. Post traumatic stress disorder. Generalised anxiety disorder. Self harm. Perfectionism. Obsessive compulsive traits. Eating disorders. Abuse.. etc Currently in full time treatment. Medical team/weekly appointments: Psychodynamic psychotherapist x3, DBT group, Bipolar Psychiatrist, Bipolar/Depression group, Psychologist, GP, Mental Health Nurse. I Blog: tattoos. piercings. women. mental illness. self harm. inspiration. hope. life as a medical student. random things that make me smile. depends what mood you catch me in. Talk to me! :)

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Psychotherapist has been away for six sessions, about to see him now. Will be interesting trying to explain the hospital discharge letters and phone calls he received while he was gone...

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Fine, I'll just smoke my cigarette - 10 fewer minutes of a life I'm not thrilled about anyway.

Becker

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Heart Block... and other fun things.

I just got home... from the hospital, again. Got pretty drunk, burnt/cut myself and took a lot of different pills. No 'bad' intensions, just the whole 'trying not to feel' thing. I walked there with blood dripping on the road, and ended up scaring the shit out of myself. I took too many beta blockers (along with other things) = heart block (holy shit) and very low blood pressure. The nurse freaking out also contributed to my anxiety. She tried three different machines and pulled me out of bed - by this stage I was way hyped/shitting myself and my BP picked up :| I was delirious with drug induced exhaustion and they woke me up every 30 minutes to check BP again and again. Waking up to a pole coming at your face was kind of scary (I was on a low foam MH bed). This morning there was two student Nurses on duty - younger than me and trying to be nice, but it was awkward and embarrassing. Trying to give me life advice. The doctors didn't even do the proper interview procedure with me - they came in and said, 'yeah you can go, hospital can't help you'... and more encouraging things like 'this sucks, you'll never get away from it, it'll take years, we can't stop you from killing yourself, nothing will really help'... oh god. They know me well now. Went to my new favourite GP on the way home - she changed my dressing and talked to me properly (pity she's going away for 4 weeks). She took my BP again, which is now safe - still 20 points below normal, so light headed and tired, but it will pick up after 24 hours.  Now I'm back at home on the couch, like nothing ever happened... Just another mini mental health bender.

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Anti-convulsants, Anti-depressants, Anti-psychotics, Mood Stabilisers, Beta Blockers, Vitamins... (+ therapy)

What I need to appear 'normal'...

[eternallybliss-blog]

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Washing down my medication with vodka. I hate myself.

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Updated version. 

Every time I look at myself I'm reminded of how fucked up I am. I'll never get away from these scars. 

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First time I've actually had a negative bank balance. Whoops. Guess it's actually pretty good considering all the bipolar mania spending sprees I've had...

[brattygrlll]

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Completely alone, in the busiest city in the country.

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Missing person...

Wow, it's amazing how many people disappear when you're gone for a while. Sorry to disappoint, followers/friends.

So much has happened, but ultimately I'm in the same place as before - still screwed up and alone. Still doing intensive therapy. Still struggling with alcohol and medication overdose. Still struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts. Still... just hurting. And all my health professionals are away at the moment, hard times. 

But alive. Thank you so much to all the people that messaged me while I was gone :)

I hope you've all been ok! I'll be getting in touch and updating soon. I've still been thinking of you all a lot.  

Off to pass out after my bottle of wine... 

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A week full of extremes.

So much crap... I'm too exhausted to even try to recount it all now, but I will get around to it to comply with my documentation obsession.

Some inclusions: self harm, mania, depression, sleep deprivation, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks, acute care team, hospital/emergency psych, volunteering -- being suicidal and then in love with life. 

Fucking exhausting mood swings.