motherhood by default

On being a single mom at 19, finishing my education, finding love, and cherishing every moment with my daughter.

[19withanewborn-blog]

It's 3:23 AM

My daughter has been asleep sense 12, yet I can't seem to join her. Maybe it's that her father was trying to flirt with me today, and I can't keep myself from thinking about him and all the good times we had. The deliciously risky times I would sneak out of the house as a young teen to make out with him in his pickup truck, and later the nights of him trying to sneak me in so his roommates didn't know I was there. My mind just keeps replaying our sex life. Specifically his farmers tanned arms, one around me, one wound into my hair, pulling me closer than I thought possible, and his absolutely amazing kisses. I was skinny then. Once I started showing, things were different. I wasn't this tiny innocent looking 18 year old anymore, I was a 19 year old woman with dark circles under her eyes and a belly that proved my innocence was lost. I think that's when he lost interest in me. Maybe it's because of the fight that stemmed from the flirting where he hurt me in a way nobody else could, where when I told him how I felt, he told me he didn't even know me anymore. Where he told me he'd bet money I'd end up just like my mother, and that my feelings were invalid. Maybe I just can't stop thinking about how people that once loved each other so intensely, and with such incredible passion, and that have a child together have been reduced to acting like strangers. How when I have to feed my daughter on visits, he won't even stay in the room, because my bare breast is exposed, when he's seen me naked almost every day for 4 years. We were engaged. Now my ex fiancé won't even sit and talk with me while I breastfeed our child.

[19withanewborn-blog]

My princess is 5 weeks old! :)

[19withanewborn-blog]

I hate my postpartum body.

I may have already lost 30 pounds, but in order to even feel remotely comfortable with myself I have to wear like 3 different kinds of shapewear, and even then I have funny bulges, and lumps, and horrible stretch marks and I just feel disgusting.

[radicalcliffe]

I really like the term “thunder thighs” cause then my stretch marks are like lightning yES I am a storm, I am a force to be reckoned with fuCK WITH ME

[seachangeprogram]

[19withanewborn-blog]

Moms with babies!

What birth control did you choose postpartum? My midwife is really trying to pressure me into an iud, but I DO NOT want one at all, so I'm here to ask, any recommendations?

[huffpost]

My Beautiful Woman based on a true story. 

Think twice before you judge a parent. 

[dieurose-deactivated20150723]

I just wanted a family

[mothsjpg]

you didn’t love her. you just didn’t want to be alone. or maybe, she was just good for your ego. or, or maybe she just made you feel better about your miserable life. but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy people you love.

Greys Anatomy (via scxndal)

[19withanewborn-blog]

My daughter met her father today.

It's really hard to stay strong when he's saying all the right things, and begging me to come home.

[19withanewborn-blog]

My sweet princess eating her afternoon snack :)

[nomalifromsoweto]

[the-uncensored-she-deactivated2]

Women should NOT be forced to feed their babies in a bathroom, all because we live in a misogynistic, porn-warped society that’s been brainwashed to believe that female breasts used for anything other than male pleasure is “indecent”. Support public breast feeding and end the porn culture.

[littlezombiekid-blog]

Forever reblog

[momicaaaaaaaa-deactivated201503]

OH MY GOD THE NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[momicaaaaaaaa-deactivated201503]

For World Breastfeeding week (:

[adventures-with-anabelle]

I will always reblog this

[poetryinspiredbyyou]

I’ll never punish my daughter for saying no. The first time it comes out of her mouth, I’ll smile gleefully. As she repeats “No! No! No!” I’ll laugh, overjoyed. At a young age, she’ll have mastered a wonderful skill. A skill I’m still trying to learn. I know I’ll have to teach her that she has to eat her vegetables, and she has to take a nap. But “No” is not wrong. It is not disobedience. 1. She will know her feelings are valid. 2. She will know that when I no longer guide her, she still has a right to refuse. The first time a boy pulls her hair after she says no, and the teacher tells her “boys will be boys,” we will go to her together, and explain that my daughter’s body is not a public amenity. That boy isn’t teasing her because he likes her, he is harassing her because it is allowed. I will not reinforce that opinion. If my son can understand that “no means no” so can everyone else’s. 3. She owes no one her silence, her time, or her cooperation. The first time she tells a teacher, “No, that is wrong,” and proceeds to correct his public school, biased rhetoric, I’ll revel in the fact that she knows her history; that she knows our history. The first time she tells me “No” with the purpose and authority that each adult is entitled, I will stop. I will apologize. I will listen. 4. She is entitled to her feelings and her space. I, even a a parent, have no right to violate them. 5. No one has a right to violate them. The first time my mother questions why I won’t make her kiss my great aunt at Christmas, I’ll explain that her space isn’t mine to control. That she gains nothing but self doubt when she is forced into unwanted affection. I’ll explain that “no” is a complete sentence. When the rest of my family questions why she is not made to wear a dress to our reunion dinner. I will explain that her expression is her own. It provides no growth to force her into unnecessary and unwanted situation. 6. She is entitled to her expression. When my daughter leaves my home, and learns that the world is not as open, caring, and supportive as her mother, she will be prepared. She will know that she can return if she wishes, that the real world can wait. She will not want to. She will not need to. I will have prepared her, as much as I can, for a world that will try to push her down at every turn. 7. She is her own person. She is complete as she is. I will never punish my daughter for saying no. I want “No” to be a familiar friend. I never want her to feel that she cannot say it. She will know how to call on “No” whenever it is needed, or wanted.

Lessons I Will Teach, Because the World Will Not — Y.S. (via poetryinspiredbyyou)

[19withanewborn-blog]

Our story.

I am 19 years old and a California native, I had been with my daughters father 3 years before we discovered I was pregnant. I was two weeks away from being 19, he was a month shy of 24. Early in my pregnancy, rumors flew that the baby I was carrying did not belong to my partner, he sided with the people accusing me, after some time, he came around, but things were different now. Three months after things settled into a semi-normal state, he proposed to me. I was surprised, but took it as him truly believing me, and wanting us to be a real family. After he proposed, things started to get rough with my health. I took a leave of absence from my internship, and was put on bed rest. My partner began to get upset I wasn't cooking or cleaning anymore, and began to get controlling. He made demands about how he wanted her birth to go, and about who he wanted in the room while I was delivering our daughter. Things escalated in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and my health continued to decline. I was in and out of the hospital, and barely able to stand long enough to get myself a glass of water, I couldn't shower on my own, the housework was piling up, and he refused to help me. I was still expected to do it all. After one visit to the hospital that ended with him yelling at me for saying I didn't want certain people in the room while I was receiving a pelvic exam, things got to their lowest point. He forbid me from seeing my family. When he left the next morning for work, I called my mother to come get me. She helped me pack the few things I cared about, and I moved home. I sent him a message explaining why I left, and I didn't hear back for weeks. Once I went in to deliver, I found out he had been calling the hospital daily to see if I was there. I was placed on the "no info" list by my nurse, so the hospital couldn't tell him I had been admitted. Two days after my daughters birth, a social worker showed up to the hospital. My nurse had called her after his stalking behaviors raised red flags. She asked me a few questions, recommended I begin going to a domestic abuse support group, and assured me that moving home was really the best choice for me and my daughter. She gave me strategies for doing supervised visitation, and suggested we try counseling. My baby is now nearly two weeks old, and still has not met her father, I asked him to come meet her the day we came home from the hospital, and didn't hear back for nearly two days. Three days ago I asked him again to let me know when he wants to meet her so I can make sure she's fed, awake, and that my father is here to supervise. No response. He has however served me with paperwork demanding 50/50 custody, a paternity test, and falsely accusing my mother of abusing my siblings. We are now being investigated by CPS. I am choosing to keep myself and my beautiful girl anonymous until we are able to either work things out with counseling, or through the courts.