i missed coming back here on my birthday, which, as I’d like to remind myself –– is not a compulsory thing. This place is negativity. Feels like home, but is negativity which is, of course, also another thing that feels like home.
I remember feeling like I was going nuts on my birthday this year, I was rushing out a client work and I simply sat at home and did nothing. I turned down requests to meet up for my birthday (which I still haven’t met anyone and its been 2 months over my birthday, but I’ve already started doing that since last year - birthdays are flexible in my head. The main idea is the spirit of loving and being loved).
But on my birthday I went nuts because I was starting to feel uncomfortable at how comfortable I was not caring about seeing people. On one hand, yes, it’s nice and good to be self assured and not needing others. On the other hand, I think and I really do believe that it is rather selfish to live your whole life inert within yourself, not caring to reach out to the friends who care so much for you, help you with anything you ask of and reply you immediately despite all your silences with being buried under freelance work. Yes, you haven’t stop caring for them and you still love them, but love cannot just be a thing that you ‘think’ of. Show it with your actions, words, gifts, quality time, touch.
On the other hand, maybe I’m just feeling a tension between ‘how I should be like’ vs. ‘how I really am like at the moment’. Expectations because one of my closest friends are super extroverted. I can’t tell.
Anyway, what’s hilarious is that one of my friends who lives close by was feeling like an emo nemo so i offered to have lunch with him. the next morning (an hour before lunch) he then told me he wanted to meet other people and i was like, okay, fully realizing and knowing that the guy forgot about my birthday even though i told him about it one week ago. that’s not the hilarious part, the hilarious part is the part where i got quite upset that not because i got stood up. but because i felt like i was constantly baby sitting him. then i realized i was also baby sitting my other guy friend. then in a turn of fucking obvious revelations, i realized i’ve been baby sitting a lot of guy friends, even the guy i was dating.
I proceeded to self therapize myself, and the conclusion was that when I was younger (actually around the age before i started this blog), i didn’t have a lot of friends in school. THEN I started making a lot of online friends on homestuck and they had this side group that was like mental-help group, and you could anonymously post depressing things, and anyone could help. I got a LOT of new friends back then because of that. because i was helping people, talking to them through shit. I suddenly got a lot of friends.
the funny part is, I guess i internalised that that was the way to make friends with. that if i didn’t help people with their emotional health/other things, then that was not a good friendship I had. But obviously, that isn’t the way to make friends, because you’re not a counsellor. You’re supposed to be a friend, and of course you’re going to feel suffocated and alone when you keep giving yourself the ‘counsellor’ role.
Chris says I need to try to be more myself with others. Take back my own moments of being able to openly share about myself as well.
Funnily enough, I’m back here because of homestuck. so i guess i’m 25, and i’m still into homestuck. I guess I’m 25 and I’m thinking about how I interact with others. Why I make the choices that I do, and what I should do from here. That’s pretty cool. Therapy is lit. Don’t do drugs!
stormborns
origamiaround
titsay
ellievsbear
snowghoul
dededos
prguitarman
