meep

anattractional queer | loveless + heartless | 20 | @sianeho is my art account ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ

[aplatonicism]

Listen, we have got to talk about the meaning of friendship.

Just because I don't consider someone my "friend" doesn't mean that I don't like that person, or I don't enjoy their company.

There are lots of people I like, and enjoy the company of, who I do not consider my "friends".

"Friend" is a relationship.

A friend is someone who you

make an effort to spend time with on a continuing basis

make an effort to know on a personal and emotional level

would want to continue spending time with them even if you didn't have a current shared interest/hobby

would go at least somewhat out of your way to assist when having difficulty. Would lend $5 to. Would stay up late and listen to them cry.

It is okay and normal to have people that you like and spend time with who are not your "friends". "

Friendship" comes with duties and expectations. It is a relationship.

Friendship is not just a label to put on everyone who you are pleasant to and can get along with in a social setting. Ideally, you're supposed to be pleasant to everyone, and capable of getting along with them in a social setting. That is how polite society works.

[equalperson]

it's always sad when I see people with psychological disabilities (most often PDs) say things like "i don't feel attraction but i'm trying to" or "i can't love, how do i fix this?"

genuinely, if you don't feel attraction (of any sort! not just sexual), consider that you're A-spec!! being traumatized does not mean you cannot be A-spec, just like it doesn't mean you can't be gay or trans!

the idea that you need to "fix" your attraction to be "mentally healthy" is an anti-LGBT myth, although one that's unfortunately still common in regards to A-spec folks.

and even if you are actually allosexual/-romantic/-platonic and you'll (re)develop attraction as you recover, there is literally no good in forcing yourself to feel it; forcing intimacy is unhealthy, encourages self-loathing when you inevitably don't enjoy it, and leaves you incredibly vulnerable to abuse.

if you're going to feel attraction one day, it'll happen without pressure. if you're not going to experience attraction, no amount of pressure will make it happen. A-spec or not, you've gotta let yourself be in this regard.

[biornicles]

fun fact "a-spec people can still feel love even if it's different from what amatonormative society considers love" and "some people don't experience love at all and that's fine and doesn't make them any less human or worthy of respect" are two statements that can and do coexist

[2016trash]

I hate the internet, but there are times I'm grateful for it. Like if it weren't for tumblr, I wouldn't have known it's okay to not want friends, to not 'love' as much as society says you should. I really did spend quite some time trying to be a good friend that I kept fucking myself over it lmao. And I also really did try to love those who love me. I just don't. I can't get myself to feel anything even while they kept giving more of themselves to me. It made me feel broken for the longest time.

[sleepilycyberspore]

I'm not trying to be aggressively asocial, and I'm certainly not trying to be antisocial, but I don't have a strong friend drive and it shows.

[aplatonicism]

As an aplatonic person, one of the most frustrating aspects of amatonormativity for me is that there is a normalized, consent-based social script for navigating the commitment and intensity of a romantic relationship, and there is no equivalent for platonic relationships.

For romantic relationships we have:

Casual dating, where you're expected to be getting to know one another and it's understood that the relationship could end at any time.

Formal dating/"Going steady", where you've acknowledge that you have a bond that you are interested in pursuing and you want to spend significant time with one another.

Engagement, where you're actively working to enmesh your lives completely, and are expected to be interested in one another as people and supportive to one another through serious difficulties.

Marriage/partnering, where you have formally intertwined your lives and have an expectation that this will be a permanent, continuous relationship based on mutual interest and mutual caretaking.

And every time you want to "go up a level" in a romantic relationship, the expectation is that you actively ask the other person, and get their consent. There is (ideally) no confusion about what the other person expects from you in terms of commitment and intensity of your relationship.

Friendships don't have that.

Which means that instead of a consent-based checkpoint for going up "levels" of friendship, you just have to try to figure out where you stand based on vibes. And there's no way to tell if there's a mismatch of expectation until someone makes a mis-step.

And there's no socially appropriate/expected way to navigate friendship rejection either.

It's totally normal in a romantic relationship to say "I'm not interested in/ready for that kind of commitment" but when you have to handle a friendship the same way, the person being rejected is often scandalized because they had no clue you had a mismatch, and they have no socially appropriate way of expressing the grief of a friendship rejection.

I hate that romantic relationships are put on this pedastal and socially regarded as worth formalizing with consent, whereas everything about friendship has to be based on vibes and intuition.

[sortingmyideas]

you never owe anyone an apology for being disinterested in the relationship they want with you

you should never feel guilty for being disinterested in a relationship someone wants with you

you are not a bad person for being disinterested in a relationship someone wants with you

and if anyone tries to say you are/do/should they are an asshole

that goes for ANY relationship - platonic, alterous, romantic, familial, etc.

you don't owe anyone reciprocation

[the-self-ish-voib]

i hate it when people say "emphasis on romance be dead! let's all be friends!" like ookay yeah amatonormativity sucks but i don't like any of these people as friends either. shit. i don't think i like anyone

"romance is a construct made to define your relationships with others and you don't have to fall into that! you have to make friends though" exfuckinscuse me. no???

[sianeho]

And then like. People equate not being friends as not being kind to each other or whatever. I only love you guys as neighbours, schoolmates, colleagues, etc. Ik human connections are essential for some of us, but the baseline isn't always friendship.

[wheatiewintry]

things that don't make you human:

empathy

love

intelligence

romance

friendship

art

things that do make you human:

belonging to the species Homo sapiens

defining humanity by the things we do or feel rather than what we are is always going to exclude someone. maybe someone you care about. not all humans love, not all humans have or want partners or friends, not all humans are nice, not all humans feel empathy or remorse, not all humans make art, not all humans will make sense to you. they're still human. they're still human. they're still human.

(and if they're not human? they're not! (this post is inclusive to alterhuman and otherwise non-human beings!!!!!!!))

[sianeho]

oml this exactly </3 it always rubbed me the wrong way when people would limit their humanity to a singular trait and keep it far from ugliness

[dysasterism]

“Companion” is flexible.

Companions can be acquaintances, lovers, helpful strangers, allies, comrades.

“Friend" means commitment.

You can't be my friend, but anyone can be my companion.

[2016trash]

Huwawza