Tips on dating for when YOU have BPD
Iâve seen so many articles and posts on âhow to date someone with BPDâ, or worse âwarning signs your partner has BPDâ or âhow to recover from dating someone with BPDâ. But I could only find ONE article giving advice to people WITH BPD in relationships. So, Iâve made my own. Here are some tips on maintaining a good relationship when YOU have BPD:
Be open. I know youâll be scared that if youâre too honest, youâll scare the partner away. But you need to be truthful, or youâll end up bottling things up, and then they explode.
Saying that, sometimes itâs okay not to express your fears. Small fears such as how your partner hasnât texted back as fast as normal, donât need to be expressed when they occur. Once youâve calmed down, take the time to express it. Say âIt makes me a bit sad when you donât reply fast, but I understand that sometimes that happensâ This way, your partners understands your fears, but also knows that you understand their limits too. Sometimes our fears are small and go away if we wait, so take a minute to thing logically (if you can).
Itâs okay to show symptoms! Donât be mad at yourself if you have a mood swing in front of your partner, it;s not your fault
Avoid expressing when youâre splitting. Itâs hard not to let every things out when weâre mad and splitting, but try not to if you can. Try and suppress for a little time and express your feelings once youâve settled. This way you can express them neutrally, without bias, and make sense when you do so.
Keep reminders of your partnerâs care for you. Screen shot texts and keep them in a folder. When you feel unloved or the person isnât responding, read through these to remind yourself that they love you
Ask your partner to give you small reminders. Ask âevery now and again, can you remind me you love me?â. This isnât a big ask- a small text once a day is not manipulative or needy, and your partner should be ahppy to as this makes you happy
Set guidelines. Itâs okay to have certain things you get paranoid about. Tell your partner that there are some things you donât like- e.g. âI donât like it when you use full stops, it makes me think youâre angry, could you avoid doing so? I understand if you mess up though.â A relationship is about caring for each other and making each other comfortable, so your partner should be ahppy to make small changes to make you happy, just as youâll make small changes to make them happy!
Be prepared to compensate. Sometimes we get paranoid about things that we just have to let happen. We get worried when our partner talks about other people, when they see other people. Itâs okay to express this, but we have to learn that we canât stop our partners doing this. This is hard, and something I struggle with myself, but itâs needed to make our partners feel comfortable. If your partner is out doing something you donât like, distract yourself.Â
Find someone else, with BPD is best, to vent to. I have a close friend or 2 who I vent my worries to, and they have BPD as well. They understand and validate my fears, so that I donât feel needy or mean. This way you can express these fears without controlling and hurting your partner. E.g. I say to my friends âMy partner is seeing his ex today. I get thatâs his right to but itâs pissing me off and I just wanted to tell someone.âÂ
Remind yourself itâs okay to express yourself. Telling your partner youâre scared theyâre going to leave you isnât automatically abusive or manipulative, itâs true.Tell them you feel suicidal isnât manipulative, you deserve support and love.
When splitting, learn to distance yourself. If you notice youâre splitting for an unfair reason, itâs okay to distance yourself. Itâs okay to walk out a room, to stop replying for a minute to compose yourself. This way, you wonât lash out, and you can avoid getting more angry. Inform your partner you are splitting, so they can give you space.
Donât let yourself be invalidated. If your parter says something invalidating, mean, or hurtful, tell them. We get scared that if we tell our partners they hurt us they may leave, but itâs important not to let our partners hurt us.
Tell your partner about your BPD- and if not that- about your symptoms. Tell them you split (you sometimes hate people for no reason), tell them you have abandonment fears (get scared theyâll leave you). This way your partner can adapt and help you. Give them tips to help you. e.g. âIf Iâm scared youâll leave me, tell me you love me, and tell me why you love meâ
Learn to say sorry. Sometimes we lash out, sometimes we get irrational and hurt our partners. this may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility. Learn to say âIâm sorry I lashed outâ.
You deserve someone whoâs willing to help you. You deserve someone who is willing to send you little messages, who is willing to validate and support you. Donât settle for someone who gets mad at you for your mood swings or invalidates your feelings.
We deserve a kind, loving, supporting relationship as much as anyone else.
