Daily Check In

A day to day to document progress or regress

[2020366]

Day 19- Fuck Everything

I’m tired of writing in this fucking blog. Friday daisy says she wants to work on us moving forward together, moving out all that. WHY NOW. I told her I was seeing someone and daisy hasn’t let it go since. Trying to win me back.

Friday night Jen ditches me and blames me for why the date didn’t happen. Didn’t know I was gonna have to remind her we had a date. She went out and that’s what bugged me. Turns out later she went out with Andrew. Yesterday was weird, the communicant with Jen had been dead since 5pm Friday. So we talk last night/this morning. I was late and explained that I was arguing with my ex. And that’s where it’s all went downhill.

Jen makes her own conclusions to shit and micro focuses on things to make them worse. For example when I mentioned factors of what also prevented Friday from happening I mentioned her bank issue and she says that her bank info in none of my business, which is not what that meant. She had fraud on her account and her card was cancelled. She told me she would let me know about Friday because of that issue and she never did. So when I say that along with other things it’s not the sole thing, she says shit like that. And it’s just like why are you turning the conversation into something else. If I’m quiet she feels I’m not in, if I speak she has to retort a rebuttal. WHY. She goes on to say she can’t date me. SHE, then she says I’m walking out. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT. She brought it up, she was the person that was putting that into play and I got tired of all that shit and just starting agreeing with her. And as expected it’s my fault. She ended it by saying “I thought you were different”

I can’t help but hate Andrew I’m this as well. It’s just weird that she made it seem like my ex was always around but my ex had never come up like that. Just that we were mad at each other last week. Andrew knows how often daisy and I see each other and I can’t help but feel like he had something to do with that particular part. Everything started being weird Friday when she blew me off, later finding out cause she went out with Andrew. I woke up around noon today and there was Snapchat notifications from him that said he was typing and that he sent something but when I went to snap nothing was there.

Idk what to do. It sucks and I’m mad af

[2020366]

Day 16 and somewhat before

Went to the gym last night. Somewhat fought with Jen after she spent the day with me. Daisy came back around.

Anyway. Today I got 8 hours of sleep and I fucking loved it. Went with Robert Rubal to look for a car battery and it was fucking long and tedious. I wish Roxy treated Robert better. Ate some beyond burgers and felt good. Fights are Saturday, Daisy is already planning ahead. Now I have to deal with whether Jen is coming too. Delimnna. Bought a cartridge today. Gonna smoke and knock out. I wish o was at the gym.

[2020366]

Day 12

Jen was over for a long time and we definitely had a lot of fun. I had to wake up early to meet Andrew at the Japanese theater in little Tokyo and film some dancing, I felt we didn’t get enough but I’ll try and work with what I got. Candy called me when we were taking a break and was upset because her parent were being really mean to her and her dogs. It doesn’t make sense why, they’re pretty terrible people. We talked for a while and she didn’t know who to call and I’m happy it was me. After the call I texted her about how important she is and how she shouldn’t let them bring her down and I loved how appreciative she was. Around 1 we walked down to the warehouse spot trus got for his video shoot. It was pretty cool utilizing one room for 6 different projects. I was in charge of photography while Jaysn Prolifiq was doing the cinematography. We finished about half an hour early from the time slot he got, then went to Guisados off 6th and Spring. It was a cool little taco spot. Andrew and I took the bus home and it was a nice change of pace for me. However on the bus candy texted me saying she regretted calling me today. I knew what it was instantly but still asked and it was definitely what i thought, the baby shower picture because daisy was in it. Candy assumed daisy was going to that and mentioned it a few months prior. Explicitly saying she doesn’t want to think about it because my ex might be there. I’ve had my profile private for a while because Candy and a Daisy would look at my accounts and at times would make comments. I recently made it public and of course it was only a matter of time before this would happen again. I don’t blame candy for being upset, I know it’s something that will still bother her. As much as I can go the other way on it what you feel is what you feel. I feel like because Candy doesn’t want me this shouldn’t be problematic, that it could be confusing because she doesn’t want me but still gets upset at me. I’m not doing anything to purposely hurt her, but that picture was of me and my friends’ baby shower. I was trying to see her and we somewhat agreed on this weekend sometime but it doesn’t look like that is happening. I was happy I was there for her in the morning, but then this happened. Andrew and I went to 7-eleven and ran into my mom. She gave me 20 bucks and bought me some preworkout. Daisy met us there. We went to Ralph’s, got some stuff then headed back, the original plan was tacos and picking up. But she kept omitting the shop as an option or even part of our agenda. It upset me, she says one thing, and you take it for that then it’s not that cause she meant something else. It’s frustration. Then she asks for directions and it’s like I don’t even wanna do anything anymore. I told her to skip the shop. We end up going back to the house parking the car and walking to tacos, I don’t want any at this point. She asked me and I said no and then why and she should already be aware why, and I said cause I don’t want any. Then texts me while she’s still in line that she doesn’t want anything and is going home. Why did we waste that time. She threw out the grocery stuff and leaves and texts me she’s done, as much it could have been avoided it’s hard to not be bothered by daisy, she always does shit that annoys me and it’s a because she doesn’t think. How? She’s so smart and yet she is so stupid some times. She knows the more you questioned me the more I’m going to get annoyed and not want to do whatever we were gonna do. We had a discussion this morning about her being upset at me wanting her to leave last night, truth be told it hurts when she makes anything into a defense of getting away. Anything non sexual like if I poke her or any touch really she’ll move away so fast you’d think I was diseased. And as much as she says she doesn’t want anything with anyone because she doesn’t know what she wants and wants to be focused but then she’s still talking to guys from the dating apps and it’s like how do you think that makes me feel? At least don’t Fucking lie to me. What a day.

[2020366]

Day 11

It’s Sunday morning about to hit 9. I really suck at keeping this a daily thing. I was however distracted.

Went to Brianna and Carlos baby shower. When I arrived Carlos was upset and with good reason because Briannas family didn’t look at the place they rented til the week of, and pretty much filled capacity with just their family. The shower itself was fine, I got to see some of the old dock guys. Jeremiah, Korina, Ortiz, Gabe and Jozie. A lot of people left while they were opening presents which I didn’t like and what sucked was even before that it just seemed like no one was paying attention. But I’m totally happy for bri and Carlos.

Daisy hung out for a little bit after wards and by hang I mean she knocked out so I chased her home. Pretty begged Jenny to come over and god do I hate begging. I hate how cute she is, I couldn’t stop kissing her, and eventually I just couldn’t stop fucking her. She said she’s happy that our sexual drive is matched. She said most guys aren’t like it and I feel like maybe she’s telling the truth. I just assumed guys are just as driven as I am. I don’t even remember when she left, after 3 tho that’s for sure. I’m currently trying to get up and shower so I can meet Andrew up to shoot before I have to go to Trus’ shoot. Hopefully today goes well.

[2020366]

Day 10, part 2

Didn’t do much today. Went to sleep around 7, woke up at noon. Was gonna film with Andrew today but of course it didn’t happen. Randy come over, him my brother and I drank a bit and just hung out. It’s 11:58pm and I’m waiting for Jenny to come over. I’m still concern about how this will go on, but she definitely wants to have sex and well she’s hard to say no to.

[2020366]

Day 10, part 1

Threw out expectations and had a very intense unnecessary argument about pressure and how we’re probably not good for each other. A part of me really likes her, I was upfront and didn’t mean to apply pressure but I definitely feel like I should fuck with her given everything. It came back to a better atmosphere at the end but I’m upset that i was made to seem like the bad guy because I expressed what I’m looking for, and dating towards. She said I talk too much and over share, ok im not disputing that but jeez it was like I ask for input and for her to talk and she said I always talk over her which I have but not as often as she made it seem. It wasn’t purposefully talking over as us but starting to talk at the same time. She said I always get mad when I go on a long rant or tangent and she tries to bring it back. I have only got mad this morning cause she assumed that what I was stating as expectations in the future she took as things I’m trying to rush into. But that wasn’t the case she acted like I wanted to do all of this tomorrow. I get we’ve been on one date, I get I may have spoke early I’m not even asking what we are. It’s not like that but I want to date towards something and she doesn’t. “Go with the flow” “not looking for anything serious”. Was HUGELY turned off before it somewhat become an ok convo again. I don’t know what to do but I always ignore red flags and I feel like the biggest one was when I asked her if she ever cheated on anyone or feels like she would be a person that could cheat and she didn’t answer.

[2020366]

Day 9

I’m really over dating and just people. They’re both just constant disappointments. I liked Jenny but she got mad at me because we talked about threesomes and she said “I went all hard talking about them” and they didn’t even happen they were attempts. But while we hung out she kept talking about other dates she’s been on. So it’s kinda confusing

So I was suppose to film with Andrew today but he didn’t respond til hours after then when he wanted to the sun was down and it was gonna be 7. Then I see him at the studio anyway when he wanted to film outside. So yeah.

I went to DD’s and del taco with Daisy, but quickly got annoyed at how disconnected she is with me in a more serious way. It’s incredibly frustrating and it didn’t even compare to what’s happening right now.

I’m on the phone with Jen, and she’s going into really deep detail about some guys she went out with, and 1 why? Like isn’t this what you got mad at me for? Are you doing it to be a bitch or.???? Idk. It’s kind of annoying. Maybe this dating shit isn’t for me right now.

I deleted all my dating apps, I’m just over it

Update: Jen just seems like she has way too many guys at her disposal. Not really down for that insecurity to come back.

[2020366]

Day 8

My sleep sucks. I had a great time last night with Jenny.

Today was annoying. Still felt like I didn’t sleep enough. I went to the bank with Daisy and ran into Mike Beltran, MMA referee. After work we went shopping for Bri and Carlos’ baby shower at DD’s and got worm medicine for frisco.

At DD’s Daisy’s phone went off and someone who contact is saved as ED-SDSU asked “did you take a selfie. I’m assuming cause we saw Mike Beltran. It doesn’t sit well with me but I guess a lot of things don’t make sense. I want daisy but she’s been so stern with the whole “Friends” title. On New Years daisy and I kissed at midnight, then asked for sex. I had been asking but it had always been No. I gave in cause I also wanted a release. But after she’s denied my request, which I feel is fair and unfair. Fair because it’s her choice but I feel it’s unfair because she was fine when it benefited her. Now it’s “I support your celibacy. Which wasn’t the cast 20 minutes into the new year. So the fact that anyone out of her normal group is texting her always raises jealousy. So I’ve been more active on hinge because of it but I still want daisy. I’m trying to accept this but I don’t believe it’s going to go well. I really did enjoy the time with Jenny, it’s only been one night out but this with diasy still stings. I’m becoming resentful.

I’ve been getting bothered by her since. She came over to help me clean but I just told her to stop. She always asks questions that I just answered, and it’s never sounding like confirmation of understanding it always seems like she isn’t listening. So I just said stop, I’ll do whatever later.

I don’t like today

[2020366]

Day 7

Wasted most of the day. Was talking to Jenny from hinge, and we ended up going to Oji sushi. She’s been pretty awesome talking to, very chill and attractive. After sushi we got ice cream and went driving around and ended up in Alhambra at rabbit hole. I didn’t anticipate spending more money than sushi, so it got kinda weird but ended up turning around and we ended up at macchiato after drinks. We hike cruising we kissed and her lip gloss was so fun to touch with my lips. I didn’t want the night to end and I knew it had to as some point. Parked and made out and found out that Jenny is mighty freaky. She went out with Andrew last year, but it wasn’t vibing. I had a really cool time, I want to do it again.

[2020366]

Day 6, part 2

Worked on video stuff with Trus, felted pressured but I always do with things I’m unfamiliar with. I’m scared of big projects. I feel like I’ll fail. I gotta stop that. We filmed a recycling place in front of the Temple city Ralph’s. It was cool.

My grandma called while I was having Ropa Vieja with Trus and Karen. She said the cops came on a wellness check for my mom that “the family called and wasn’t sure if she was alive or dead. Then my brother and mom don’t answer their phones and I thought well that they were dead. Eventually Mario called me back and they weren’t. Went to chronis and met up with my mom and Mario, and just got home. What a day.

[2020366]

Day 6, so far

Went to sleep at 4, woke up at 7. Took trash out and watched Ariel Helwani’s Nose Awards, I just had bunch of lunch with Candy. I probably shouldn’t have but I did. It was good. Talked about us dating other people and the “dates” we’ve been on, then as usual complained about how MACYS sucks. I also don’t know why my phone autocorrects MACYS to be capitalized. It’s annoying. I’m currently on my way to Trus’ place to work on camera stuff. I also have to take a shit but other than that it’s been a cool Monday. Need to put in apps later.

[2020366]

Day 5, procrastination

It’s 3:44am Jan 6. I’m definitely not keeping up with this blog the way I intended but I will say I’m glad I’m keeping it up.

Was upset with daisy, little things but annoying stuff. She wanted me to go to her nieces birthday and we’d eat tacos but I didn’t want to be around her family. She said they’d be there late but after a few hours we’re gonna leave and it bugged cause I could have dealed for a few hours just not more than 6 like it seemed. Whatever, I spent the day doing nothing, a few apps but that’s it. We hit 24 hour fitness in Downey only to find out that it’s a super sport and not a regular sport, new plan. We got to Santa Fe springs and tho it wasn’t too packed I gotta say it’s the second 24 hour fitness that was a let down. The machines are so worn, and well to be honest some I’m not just familiar with. The sauna has been the only key thing from these gyms.

Grabbed some McDonald’s. Been craving meat like oh my fucking god. Went to target, then home. iPhone been doing ANNOYING ASS AUTOCORRECTS. Anyway it’s gonna be 4 and I’m suppose to eat with candy around 12, then hit up Trus for camera work. Hopefully today doesn’t suck

[2020366]

Day 4, Saturday

Felt like I wasted today, then just became negative.

Not sure what’s gonna happen tomorrow, I just got home from smoking and drinking with Susy. I regret it tremendously.

Today was wack

[2020366]

Day 3, passed midnight

Did some applications today, wished Juan a happy birthday. Meal prepped chick peas for 6 meals.

Went to 24 hour fitness for the first time. It was intimidating but I did cardio where I felt like I’d feel comfortable. Did the sauna for the first time and I loved it. Wish I would hav stayed more than 10 minutes. I wanted half an hour. It was a cool experience. I feel like lifting now.

I’m still stressing about money, I hope I find a job soon so I can feel content again. Here’s for positive vibes.

Trus hit me up to link but since I was at the gym I couldn’t, gonna practice camera work on Monday.

Randy just left, gave me a golden road mango beer. Gonna make a michelada soon.

Today wasn’t bad, it was chill, Nadine got sick and I lowkey was glad cause I was shaky about bussing over to echo park. I gotta stop haha.

[2020366]

Day 2

Still having trouble sleeping, four hours here Four hours there, never ending battling. Robert put up signs saying not to use the restroom in which of course I spoke up about. After about two back to back message boards we got into it but we’ve reached a point of I guess comraderie? Idk teamwork? Stressed the importance of communication cause the lack of it in the last 6 months. Robert Mario and I are starting new and hoping it keeps up.

Daisy switched to 24 hour fitness today. She put me on her buddy pass. Both of us are slightly intimidated but Sara was very comfortable to talk to about a membership. Totally forgot Boonie worked there.

Was originally suppose to hang with Luna, a girl I met on Hinge. Who is somewhat weird. After she mentioned she can be annoying, well she started being annoying. Didn’t talk to her since Monday. Texted her. So yeah.

Today wasn’t as bad. Juan’s birthday is tomorrow, waiting to text him at midnight.

[2020366]

Day 1, New Years 201- oops I mean 2020

Slept in, relaxed for the most part of the day. Went to get food with Mario and our mom at little Mexico, had bad service the last year or so going there but suggested it anyway. Terrible service per usual. That was an annoying part. My mom gave me 200 dollars for “Christmas” even tho she knows I don’t observe most holidays. I believe she did so cause I’m currently not working. I should have put in apps today. But I didn’t.

Went to the gym with Daisy. Beforehand we stopped to get groceries to meal prep vegetarian options. Today we did teriyaki tofu bowls, carrots, quinoa and squash. Looks pretty decent.

I’m about to leave. I thought she was gonna drive me but I’m gonna have to uber home. Luckily I have 30% off this week. So there’s that. That’s another annoying part. I’m in a tank top and shorts.

I’m not sure what I’ll do when I get home. I do have laundry to fold and if I can clean and throw things out I don’t need anymore. I’m trying to miminalize as much as possible for the possibility that I get kicked out or we lose the house. Such a fun time to be Alive.

Also it’s going on three months that our restroom has been out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯