My Dating Life

Dating, relationships and everything else. I'm just a 24 year old who has dated a lot.

[24anddating-blog]

Nostalgia

Of course the person who I was obsessive crushing over last year would contact me right before I changed my phone number.  We've been randomly snap chatting each other this weekend, no real formal conversation but it counts. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I still get tiny little butterflies but I don't find him attractive. It's all just the illusion I constructed from our very short yet exhilarating dating. Seriously, first date was at an art museum where we spent hours lost within the halls filled with great masters of art followed by dinner and a movie. Second date we ventured into book stores, candy stores, craft stores, introduced to tapas and lead to a gay pride parade after party where I spanked and got spanked by older gay men as he was flooded with compliments about how "good of a catch" I was and he was a lucky man. We ended up at a beach, just us two. It was an awkward first kiss but we felt the spark. We held hands on the  30 minute long drive home and somehow, 4 hours later, we still found ourselves in the car, overtaken by conversations about everything we could think of. We didn't want the night to end. 

Even now that I am with someone who I love and I see myself spending the rest of my life with, I still can't let go of this memory. I never experienced anything of that magnitude with the person who I am with now. I don't see it as warning sign though. I understand it's different, this is tame, this is safe, this is home...but J. was what my daydreams consisted of, he was the feeling of wanderlust and adventure, the sensation of riding a roller coaster, he was adrenalin. 

I write about him too much. 

[24anddating-blog]

A Random Thought

It was about this time 2 years ago when the person I had imagined I would be spending the rest of my life with told me he could do better than me. Well, technically I was the one who asked if he thought he could do better than me and he said yes. I shouldn't have asked that question during an uncomfortable discussion about our confused feelings. I set him up for it but it still stung. I felt it burn for days and it just made it harder for us to get through the bad slump, which eventually lead us to breaking off our 4 year long relationship.  Even though that was only one of the many painful things he said to me, it's the one that hurt the most. It's the one I couldn't really change (I took it as: he could find someone prettier than me. I don't know exactly how he meant it though.) We went our separate ways for a year. We're back together now, 8 months into our new adventure, and it no longer burns. He dated other people and he lived his life without me but he COULDN'T do better than me.  I did the same, even though my process went from "I can't do better than him" to "wow, I CAN do better than him" to "..but I only want him"

[24anddating-blog]

Is it okay to miss someone you only dated for a month, exactly a year ago? He's always on  my mind and I still have the biggest crush on him. There's zero chance anything will ever happen now but I can't get over it.  sometimes you meet people and they blow up your world. They're the combination of everything you like and always wanted. He was that. 

Reading back to through my personal tumblr, I found an entry about him. He had told me I had met him at an interesting point of his life, things were changing for him. It was definitely a hint to not get attached. This reminded me of the conversation we once had about how we didn't know what we wanted but we both agreed that we liked each other and we wanted to pursue something.  I felt like I didn't have a say when it ended. I'm still heartbroken over that but it's a different type of heartbreak. It's not the kind that kills you inside and you don't want to leave your bed for months. I've experience that but this one is kind of different. It's an embarrassing heartbreak because we only went on a handful of dates. It's the kind where you open up to someone too soon, you become vulnerable and then they leave. It's the kind of heartbreak that will last years. I won't ever get over him. He blew me away.

[24anddating-blog]

A Single Mind

I'm in a relationship. We're serious I suppose. After dating on and off for 6 years, it just becomes this thing that is hard to define.   We separated this past year and we recently got back together. But my mind is still living the single life.  This is going to cause a problem. I'm aching for butterflies, flirtatious smiles and first time kisses.

[24anddating-blog]

I'm no longer single but sometimes I can't help but reminisce of my dating adventures from last year. I'll be honest, I dated quite a few people last year. However, there's been one person who I have not been able to get over and we dated almost exactly a year ago, for about a month. You would think that I would still be pinned over Christian but no.  It's Jose. I always find myself thinking about him and whenever he gives me the least bit of attention I still get some crazy butterflies in my stomach. I was really into him and our end to dating was sudden. I had so much fun with him. Maybe it was how he surprised me to LACMA on our first date or how we talked about everything until dawn one night in his car. Maybe it was when we gave each other temporary tattoos or when I caught him starring at me with a huge smile on his face as I socialized with his friends. But maybe it was because I was in dire need of attention when we were dating and he reminded me of old feelings. Whatever it was, I still can't figure it out...I'm writing this as I listen to his band. He's invited me to some of his shows but I don't have the courage to go, plus I can't tell Tim. It'll just hurt him.  It's strange though. I've dated many other people for longer periods of time and I easily moved on. Maybe it was because I never actually slept with him? but my attraction towards him wasn't physical, it was his mind.  Maybe I played it too cool when we were dating, like I didn't care. I was really insecure at that time.  Don't get me wrong though, I'm happy now....but there's always that nagging feeling of last year. I've started drinking again too. 

[24anddating-blog]

Irrelevant Blog

This blog is no longer relevant to my life.  Even though my Facebook status still reads "single" , I am nowhere near interested in anyone else anymore. Tim and I have reconnected and we're hoping 3rd time's the charm. We dated for 4 years and known each other since whoknows. Maybe we dated for 5 years and known each other for 7? All I know is that we can't identify "us" with time anymore. It's too complicated. We met when I was 18, dated for two years, took a break for a few months, dated for another 2 years, took a break and lost contact for a year, and reconnected again just a few months ago. It's seriously a 21st century love story. We even met on Myspace, for goodness sake.  Last year was the height of my slutty years, with brief introductory period in my late teens, I am hoping that was the end of it. I had fun but after one too many mental breakdowns, I don't think that's the life for me. I am glad I have settled down.  My single life turned into a whirlwind of confusion towards the end of the year when the person I was dating for almost 7 months finally decided to take it to the next level. The crazy, controlling, overly dramatic next level. I was dating a very insecure 31 year old who was good at manipulation. Thankfully, I was always one step ahead of his mind games. I was a very angry person though, frustrated with his idea of how I should carry myself around him and others. The constant communication he demanded was tiresome and it just pushed me away. I dumped him a few hours before his 32nd birthday and I am forever to be known as the "bad guy" in our misguided whatchamacallit "romance". 

Sure, I liked him and maybe even loved his company but my mental health was shot and I was mostly moving through a foggy dream last year. I used him and that's why I was okay with him using me. Rumor has it he's found other younger prey. An instance of weird jealousy exists, but only out of selfishness. I really don't want anything to do with him right now. I don't think a friendship would benefit us at the moment but truly hope he finds what he's looking for. As for me, I am closer to finding it. I found my other half when I was 18 and we're slowly putting back the pieces with the realization that life happens and life and love don't necessarily have to be linear. 

[24anddating-blog]

uhm...

My single life is a mess.

I don't even think I am single anymore.

[24anddating-blog]

Busy Girl

I went from nobody wanting me to having 5 guys showing interest in me. It all is happening so fast and I don't know which one I want more.  It's fun and it's keeping me occupied. One of them I've me here on Tumblr.

[24anddating-blog]

I am here.

I am crushed every time someone I know gets into a relationship.   I want that so bad but there's nothing I can do but wait until the right one comes along.  It just makes me sad that I do have someone Almost like that but he's not willing to take it further. It's been half a year of it and I keep telling myself that I won't put up with it anymore but he keeps pulling me back in. Calling me his "lover" ,telling me how much he loves me and how he wishes I make him mine...it all means nothing at the end because I am here, trying to make him mine. I've done everything, aside from begging, for him to be willing to take that chance with me but he wont budge. 

I know I shouldn't wait. I know I should move on and allow someone who wants to be with me enter my life but I am selfish, I am jealous, I want it all and I want him.  I don't see myself falling in love with him though. 

[24anddating-blog]

Towed

My OKC date was great. He definitely looked better in his pictures but we instantly cliqued. Good laughs and a lot of things in common.  We even extended our date to get dinner...unfortunately my car was towed and it all went downhill from there. I had to wait for my dad to pick me up since my date rode his bike to our meeting place. He got to meet my dad. Meeting the parents on a first date is a big no-no!  It was an embarrassing and expensive date. 

[24anddating-blog]

Being Wanted

Even though I plan on getting back into the dating scene and I have a good date lined up for tomorrow, I am still seeing Christian.  We're still stuck somewhere between friends and something else. After being shot down a million times and being convinced that we are better off as just friends, I can't help but wish that we were more. We spent our Friday shopping, being cute and holding hands and just all the stupid cheesy couple stuff that happens which ended in a steamy make out session in his car. I felt so wanted today. I plan on seeing him after my date tomorrow and I hope he's still in that lovey dovey mood. I feel so lonely most of the time and I really miss being wanted in that way. 

[24anddating-blog]

Back In Action!

I decided to jump back into the OKC dating pool again.  Things with Christian are pretty great though but after he told me that we won't ever be anything more than just "friends", I've decided it is time to get back out there. It hurt at first but I am surprised how fast I got over the idea that our friendship/relationship thing isn't going to go any further. I'm okay with it. We barely have any intimate relations so we might as well JUSt be best friends.  So it's bee a couple of weeks and I caught someone. I'll be meeting him on Saturday and so far we have spent all week comparing all our similarities. Our  minds have been blown a couple of times. I think it helps that he is exactly my age (which reminds me! This blog needs to be called 24andsingle now ), lives near me, same exact interest, and a few more things that just blew our minds. . There's potential for a good date on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. 

[24anddating-blog]

So what's up?

Nothing as changed. 5 months into this friendship/relationship limbo thing. I've given up all hope of ever becoming serious with him. If he wanted something more, we would be there by now and it's not even about the sex because it's been over a month since (which is driving me insane). He tells me he loves me, we act like we're together..but we're not. oh well. I have no real motivation to go out looking for someone new though. I hope the right one comes just comes knockin at my door soon. 

[24anddating-blog]

Sometimes you just know..

That moment when you realize that you're dating the wrong person. I knew this feeling would creep up eventually. It's funny because we JUST started "dating" and when we were just friends, I wanted this..but now that I'm in it, I don't think I want it that much anymore. It's not like he's the one or anything anyways so I feel like I'll just be settling if it gets more serious. 

[24anddating-blog]

The End of Summer

Summer is over for me. School starts again tomorrow and I can't help but feel like this summer romance is on the final chapters. Maybe it's just me though. Maybe I've had this mentality that once the summer is over,this summer fling thing will end too..well more honestly, I expected him to get bored of me by now but he hasn't. It's still pretty alive I suppose..sort of. I felt distant from him for a while now. We've been busy and we finally established that we're officially "dating", meaning we won't go out with someone of the opposite sex without discussing it with each other. It's weird. I remember being really excited about being "exclusive" with someone but with him, I just feel meh..I could take it or leave it. When I am with him, it feels nice but there's no fireworks. When I hold him or he holds me, I don't feel the need to hold onto him forever and never let go. We're great friends but I've always known that we don't have that romantic chemistry between us. Sometimes you feel it and other times you don't and you can't ignite something that has no way of catching fire. I'll let it run it's course but whatever happens, I'll be fine with it.  

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He's getting married..

I may have forgot to mention that the person I've been seeing is an illegal immigrant and he's planning on marrying a friend by the end of the year to fix his immigration status. He's been married & divorced before because he had attempted to fix his papers that way too but his "wife" turned out to be crazy. In other words, I don't plan on sticking around until the end of the year. Who in their right mind will go to their lover's wedding? Can't he just get his stuff fixed the right way?

[24anddating-blog]

I Deserve More

Trying to meet someone who is perfect for you in impossible. There's always going to be that little something that you dislike about them. I've been "dating" someone for the past 2 months, almost 3. We've floundered with the term "dating" because at first we were just friends and then we secretly started seeing each other behind our friend's back. We eventually made our adoration for each other public but he still tells everyone that we're just friends, even his female friends who have a crush on him. I'm not okay with this. I want stability. I want reassurance that this is not just another fling, like the ones I've stumbled upon this year. I feel like we're only "dating" when he's in the mood to date but he's a single man free to do as he pleases the rest of the time.  We've talked about commitment but he always convinces me that we're both not ready for it. I'm ready. I've been ready. He's not ready.  I feel as if he has me on hold in case anything better comes along. Of course something better will come along..look at me! I'm a bag of insecurities. At the end of the day, I know I can do better too. I know what I deserve and sometime during all this whirlwind summer romance I know I lost insight on what I wanted. I was doing pretty good this year. Why I'm I trying to settle for him? What happened to not settling?  Maybe I am just too tired to care now.