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[livelifewithme]

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I didn’t know my heart could break like this. Was I so blinded by my own morals and values that I couldn’t see that it was what was hurting us? Was it.. Me? Is this what it feels like to feel like you’ve been tossed to the side, left all alone? Did I read the signs all wrong? You’ve been a part of me for nearly half my life and I thought I knew you. I thought that we had each other, that through thick and thin we would be there.

Is this the feeling that he has? The painful memories that haunt him?

I didn’t know my goodbye meant sitting on the other side, watching your new memories from afar. I didn’t know that this is where we would be. How do I say goodbye to something that I never wanted to let go of? How do I let go of something that was no longer good for me when it became such a huge part of me? How do I walk away when I forced us to walk through the fire only to reach the other side, alone?

I feel betrayed, like a stab straight in the heart. Maybe we weren’t ready for the next step, for the deeper things in life. Maybe we are still stuck in time where the good ole days live. Maybe this is what we were meant to be, a connection of our youth, of learning to navigate through all the firsts.

I hope you know that I wish the best for you, wherever life takes you. I hope that one day, we can find each other again.

[livelifewithme]

Time does not wait for anyone, like a river that continues to flow, as if it has somewhere it needs to be. I think it has been five months now that I decided to swim up the river. Looking back now, I’ve swam so far upstream but there’s still a long journey ahead. I don’t even know where the destination is but it’s there, waiting.

For so long, I thought I had already reached my destination. I thought “I made it”.

All I have ever dreamt of as a young girl was “Where is my prince charming?”.

When I met my prince charming, it felt like it was us against the world; “When can I be with my prince charming?”.

Here I am, with my prince charming and every day, I often wonder if this is a dream. Every night I fall asleep thankful that it’s him that I get to share this life with. He’s provided me with a life beyond what the younger version of me could even begin to imagine. He’s the strong part of me when I want to run and hide. He is the calm in my storm and he is my lighthouse. What more could a girl want?

But there is something missing, something calling to me in the stillness. I felt stuck, in a pond wanting to be in an ocean, wanting to see more and do more and be more. There were such dark days where I felt like the pond had dried up with nothing left to offer. There were other days where the pond was fighting for its life to stay alive with the droplets of water left after a storm.

My prince charming had given me something, paved a way, created a life and world where I could possibly grow and be more and simply be me. So in turn, how can I sit here and be unhappy? There were so many days where my heart hurt and I couldn’t overcome the feeling. Everywhere I turned, there was darkness. I couldn’t go back to where I came from, I can’t return there. I can’t go back, “I made it”.. right?

I am never one to follow the rules or go with the flow. So guess what I did? I told myself that “I need more”. It is not because I didn’t have enough, but I wanted to give him the same things he’s given me. I wanted him to feel the same way I felt. I didn’t want to be in this pond anymore so I got out and paved my own path. There is something else out there, beyond this.

When you put yourself in a situation or environment that you aren’t used to, you want to turn back and go to what and where you feel the most familiar. You can’t turn back now, you don’t even know where you used to be so how could you go back? I kept pushing and moving forward and eventually, I found some water. But just because you found water didn’t mean that was it. It was a victory that I didn’t realize would lead me to bigger waters. It was so dark for so long, it was so challenging for too long and finally, something familiar. It feels right, it’s as if this was made for you or you were made for it. And one day, you realize, you are actually swimming upstream in this river.

I recently took Silly to this waterfall that I visited earlier this year. A conversation we had was about salmon and how crazy it is that salmon swim upstream to where they were first born to spawn. And after that, that’s it. They pass away and the cycle continues. Sitting here, I didn’t expect to start this with a river metaphor but it’s starting to feel that way when I think about life.

I thought that this was it. “I made it”. The end. Done. Finish. Fini.

Maybe that’s why every day has felt like I’m in a dream. I always thought it was because I have always dreamt of this moment in time and now that it’s here, it feels surreal. But that feeling never went away.

A few weeks ago, I went to my cousins’ bachelorette and that was the first time I was going to be away from my husband for longer than a day. And funny enough, I found out that we were staying a day longer than I expected so then time away from him felt like an eternity. It felt like I was never going to be with him again and it started to eat me from the inside out.

It was at this moment that I realized that I’ve been revolving my whole life, my absolute everything around him. If every second of every day wasn’t spent with him or doing something for him, it felt like I didn’t live up to my purpose in life.

Remember - “made it” meant living my life with my husband. I didn’t know who I was without my husband. I spent the first night, crying inside. I felt out of place. I didn’t know how to have fun outside of him. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with myself. I was lost without him.

When you have spent your whole life giving and serving those around you, you forget who you are along the way. You never had the time to stop and be yourself.

While running an errand today, I was thinking to myself, “This isn’t it.” It’s not the end. It’s not finished. It’s not even close to done. So why have I been living my life as if it was done?

I was working out the other day and the coach was saying that when you are a wife and a mother, you can’t just call out. You have to show up for them every day, no matter how tired you are. “Find your purpose, a reason to show up and do it.” That spoke to me and awoke something deep inside.

I need to show up for myself first and foremost. I need to build confidence from within. I need to listen and hear my own voice.

I don’t even know where to begin. I have spent my whole life, dedicating all the things I do to serve others and bring them happiness. I don’t even know what my own happiness is but I want to begin this journey to find happiness. I am closing this book because the story of discovering who I am is now over, it’s time to be that person.

This is a promise to myself to keep swimming. There is a destination and I will reach it one day.

Keep dreaming big. Keep manifesting the things you want. And keep swimming. This river will never stop for you. It’s never going to get easier, you just get stronger and better.

[livelifewithme]

Dear Me ~

Thank you for accepting things for what they were and no longer something worth holding on to and letting it become something else. Those were some dark times eh? How crazy has the past two years been. I am happily married. You did that. So thank you. Thank you for taking the step foward. Thank you for not letting the things around you define you but pushed to define for yourself and those around you who you want to be and who you are. Thank you for allowing yourself to grow. I live in a beautiful home now & you get to decorate every single room just the way you wanted to. With pink everywhere. Thank you for being strong so that we can enjoy this together. Thank you for all the efforts you have put in because I am so proud of you. You dont even know that yet. I came back to take notes. I came back to reference just how hard things were and reminded what I did to overcome them. Because somewhere deep inside.. I feel like something is going to happen and I'm going to need to remind myself just how strong I am. I dont think this is between you and sillyface.. but I think it might even affect you both in ways that you never imagined. We'll all get through this. Remember to stay strong. And to look up. Look forward. And love always. And hopefully, whatever that is brewing in the waters will not be able to keep us under water too long when the waves hit. I am looking to my anchor every day, for him to also be my lighthouse and guide me because the waters get so hard to tread sometimes. I am so happy that we have moved forward so far from where we came from. It literally feels like lightyears ago, like another life. You did so good. Now keep going.

[livelifewithme]

Because remember this moment, That YOU did it. It's because you allowed yourself to try and to move that this was able to happen. So keep going, because the only race you should be in is with yourself. <3

[livelifewithme]

Change

One day, you will wake up and everything will start to point you in a direction. Don't be afraid. Just go. Life is providing you endless opportunities, its up to you to take the challenge.

[livelifewithme]

If you asked me if I had any regrets.. Id have to honestly say yes. I try to live my life the best that I can without any regrets. That whatever it is that I do or say, how it affects others, I cant take back. Because the truth is you cant. You cant erase it like a pencil on paper. There are many, many battles lost where I regret every single thing I did that led me up to that point. But there are more victories won, where I loved every single moment and interaction and would relive those moments over and over again for the rest of eternity. Over the past five years, Ive learned so many things about myself. And funny enough, relearned those parts of myself again and again. The ocean calls out to my soul, like a moth to the flame. It drowns out the noise inside my head. It soothes my heart. And most of all, its home. Three years ago, this very same place had felt different. My mixed emotions, the loud noise. The ocean was not enough to drown everything out. I couldnt even begin to imagine where life would take me years later. This message is to my future self and my forever love.. that this too shall pass. Whatever it may be. The ocean will always drown out the noise inside your head and soothe your heart. The ocean will always be here and it will always be constant. Its never going anywhere. As endless as the horizons are, where heaven and earth collide is unknown.. your opportunities are endless. Swim, bby - and let the waves carry you to where youre meant to be.

[livelifewithme]

Him

There once was a time, when I was young and naiive. I grew up a hopeless romantic, always searching for someone to love me and fill this void in my life. I was pretty content. I kept to myself. But every night, I would pray for my future lover. I would pray and dream about this "boy" who would sweep me off my feet and fill my heart with pure love and joy.

And then about 14 years in.. I saw him. Literally an angel. My friends were whispering about him "Here he comes" Thump thump. My heart was scared. It felt things I didnt even understand. I was scared to look up at him. There he was. Smiling and laughing with his friends. There. He. Was. Standing right in front of me. He turned my world upside down right then and there and I didnt even see it coming. I fell so deeply in love with that boy.

Years later, he met me for the first time. He kept lingering around me. I had no interest in him, but there was this pull between us, this invisible circle that we would walk around in, never too far from each other. My heart remembers the feeling, as if it was the first time all over again.

Thump, thump.

Before I knew it, he literally became the biggest part of my life that I wish I can relive over and over again. I soaked in every word he said, swam in his presence and drowned in his love.

Once this shy girl.. and probably a little bit is still left in me.. I can only recall all those late nights crying, wishing I understood what this was. I finally found it. He finally found me.

My prince charming.

.. but this dream shattered before anything could even begin. Spiraling out of control. Everyones opinions around me started to tear down these beautiful memories. What they found important became my morals and values. And I started to question this beautiful being that continuously stood before me.

He loved me, with a passion that I didnt understand and Im still learning to understand. He held my hand through every single trial and tribulation.

I tried holding on to him with what little understanding I had. And without knowing.. I only held on to the parts that I deemed good enough because everyone around me saw it to be good. Time and time again, I pushed him away. I told him to be better for me. He went to school and studied hard. He came back and I pushed him away and said "More" He went and found a job, working hard juggling both school and work. He came back and yet again, "Not enough".

I kept a journal through all those years of heartbreak. I never understood why he did the things that he did. "How come he wasnt listening to me? He doesnt understand" every day I would write in the journal, yearning for him. Screaming inside, I tried and tried again and again. I didnt understand. I was doing what everyone was telling me. He said left, theyd say right. He said jump and theyd say fall.

All those years, wasted. All those years of pain.. and I thought I was alone. I thought I knew him. I thought I knew what he was going through.

All those times I pushed him away chipped off a piece of him. Little by little and eventually, he had nothing left to give.

I killed him, with my own hands. With my own words.

.. with my own love.

Its been 10 years since he swept himself into my life and Im only now beginning to understand his love. Only now am I beginning to truly understand this man that I so hungrily yearn to be in my life.

I still cannot fathom or begin to even understand his love for me and why he loves me the way that he does.

I still so selfishly ask for everything he has when he has given me the world already. I always want more.

But this time around, Im cherishing every single moment, every single thing he gives me. I cannot right my wrongs and I cannot undo my mistakes.. but I can only vow to myself and to him that I will only do better. That I can only try harder for us.

I love you, my sillyface.

I hope that when you read this, you feel the tears that I cried while writing this. I hope that you felt the pain that I am reminded of. But more so, I hope that you feel my deepest and sincere love for you. If not for you, I would not be the person that I am today.

You loved me, even when I didnt deserve the kind of love you had to give. I wanted to be the one who was priviliged to be loved by you. You loved me, someone whos broken and haunted by my past day in and day out. You loved me when I was slowly learning and discovering who I am and who I wanted to be.

Youve seen all the sides of me that there are.. and yet you are still here. You love the best parts of me.. and I hope that you also love the ugly parts of me because I know that sometimes even I cant.

I work hard to keep you in my life every day because I dont want to remember what its like to live without you. Because I would die. Because I would be crippled. I dont ever want to remember what that was like. So dont be scared when Im working hard to make sure that you are in every part of my life, its only because Ive felt what life was like without you and I would die before I let that happen.

Being away from you this past weekend reminded me why I need you in my life. It reminded me why I cant be away from you.

I hold on to your every word, every move, every breath because you ARE my life.

I love you. With all that I am. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always.

I will live my life showing you that.

Aishiteru. <3

[livelifewithme]

I don't think that I will ever be able to win this battle.. Does anybody else feel the same way? I try to take a few steps in MY direction.. but these shackles that people have put on me weighs me down. How do I even move forward?

[livelifewithme]

Because when you go on road trips, you need snacks. Everyone wanted to ride with me (; #campingtrip2017 #snacksgalore #besttravelbuddy

[livelifewithme]

Horchata frappuccino #starbucks

[livelifewithme]

Because sister dates are a must!!! #ThaiMango #thaitea

[livelifewithme]

After studying all day, starving.. he brings me #pho !!! UGH. Best boyfriend. Seriously. Takes such good care of me. #summerclasses #midtermsarearoundthecorner #iloveyouboyfriend

[livelifewithme]

In complete love with the final outcome!! Just two more weeks! #Julywedding #bridalhair #bunsfordays

[livelifewithme]

It's in times like these that I should practice love and kindness.. But why is it tearing me up inside?? Why? Why do " I " be the one who has to be kind? Curling up into a ball.. lost and defeated.. I give a little bit of myself away again. Even when I have nothing. "Here." Just keep taking.. take all thats good in me.

[livelifewithme]

Smores frappuccino was DELISH! #Starbucks #firsttimetrying #sunndayscallsfordrinks #carameloverload #nailsdid

[livelifewithme]

-rant of the week- Working as a hostess can get pretty exhausting. Most especially at a place that decides to switch its concept. It gets tiring to repeat the same thing, day in and day out, to customers about why we switched over and to keep hearing that majority of our loyal customers HATE the new change. I try to see it in a positive light. I don't need to take in what they say as if my life depends on it, but instead, I take it in lightheartedly. This is what I love right? Customer service. But man.. this one day, a customer came in and she was just baffled that we had switched over. She came in prepared to buy a certain carrot cake we had (Honestly, it was pretty amazing) and sadly, we had discontinued that product. We had switched over to making desserts all in house and since that was a product we had delivered to us, we had to discontinue it since it wasn't going along with our theme of "higher quality" food. Anyways, she spent a good 10-15mins just.. baffled. It was like, she refused to understand what was right in front of her. And it wasn't like she was being completely rude or terrible. She was just refusing to understand what we had done. And that is a-okay with me. My instant reaction was to catergorize her as "One of those customers" but instead, I decided not to. There was just something about her. She had said "Sorry" to me. And it wasn't only that. But I saw her thoughts.. she would be like "OKay, what can I do now since I came in with a plan but now its all gone." It was somewhat reassuring that she was so willing to work with the program. So now, we don't have the dessert she came in for and even brought containers to store it in. She inquired about what desserts we did have, and then went on to some sort of complaining about how she can't see what it would look like. I guess many customers of our restaurant are used to seeing our desserts before purchasing it. So its kind of like, they see exactly what they are buying. But here is my thought process. Before I ever even applied and worked at this place, never in my life have I ever thought about how I can "choose" where I sit. Or request a different seat. *Ahem, LIGHT emphasis on the word 'request'* Never have I ever seen a place or heard of a place where they would assemble a salad in front of you. I don't know, I was mind blown myself. I just, to this day, can still not fathom this concept. Anyways. I'm over it. So again, instead of putting her in that "One of those customers" category, I decided to smile and try to sell her on one of my favorites. Or try to accomadate her somehow. I mean she came in on a mission and its my mission to help her accomplish what she was set out to do: buy a dessert for a birthday party. Another 10 minutes pass by and she was finally convinced and sold. Two chocolate cakes and three shortcakes later, she was happy. But then she remembered that we had a sandwich that she loved. Usually, we don't take orders ahead of time so she can go return an item and come back to eat. I mean hello, we are full service now. But I was like "You know what, we will do that for you. When you come back, we will have your food ready and bring it right to you." Still with a smile. But it was becoming more broken. I was sort of breaking the rules now. -sigh- At this point, I was about ready to pull out my hair and just scream, take a shot of the good stuff on the top shelf, but instead, I smile some more and help the next customer who was in line. And mind you, she was waiting like a good 5minutes. That's a long time for people who are trying to get somewhere else. I never categorized her as "One of those customers", instead, she had me create a whole new category. "A mission accomplished". I never realized this until today. I went back into work to pick up a few things and a server came up to me and said "Hey, there was a customer who came in today and she was going on and on, praising about the great customer service she got the other day." I was taken aback. I replied that it couldn't have been me. And he was like no, she was talking about me. He described to me in one word what she looked like and I was like "OHH. Yeah, I guess it was me." He said she praised and just went on and on about how I was so good to her, took such good care of her and he all he could do was nod in agreement. What he doesn't realize is it kind of chipped a little away at my heart. That actually meant the world to me. Instead of being so quick to categorizing this customer, I decided to be patient and smile and really try my best to at least accomadate her in some sort of way, and she really appreciated my help. I don't even know why I'm up late, writing about this experience. Maybe its because I'm tired of just defaulting myself to certain "categories" which aren't healthy categories. I battle a lot with self doubt which then leads to never being good enough. Instead, when I was actually trying, and decided to change up how I viewed situations, I was able to kind of reach a break through. It's so rewarding to have made a difference in someone elses life. Sometimes its a hit, and most times, its a miss. But I get back up and try and try again. Like I said, Being a hostess gets so tiring. But its those once in a while customers who appreciate all that you do and acknowledge it that revive my dying heart and bring me back to life again. Well.. I guess moral of the story is that instead of me just allowing myself to break, I'm reinforcing what I believe and I keep following my gut, my passion, my love. Maybe it does chip at me a little each day, but somehow, the roots are digging in deeper and the foundation becoming stronger. It's making me a stronger person, a better person and for that, I feel blessed these kind of things happen because I get to reflect back on it. Ending my week, its been a crazy ride. So many great and awesome doors and opportunities, a lot of growth and change. I feel so giddy, butterflies because maybe this is my big break through that I've been waiting patiently for. Oh please, please PLEASEEEE.. let me step through the door. Cheers! To a new week!

[livelifewithme]

I run away when things are good; Why is that?? Maybe its because I feel like I'm unworthy of anything good. Or maybe its because I was always told that I can't have anything. That I can't want what I want, but want what others think is better for me. Am I good enough? YES. Yes I am. Good things can happen to me. And I can accept good things. Even if good things come in small packages. #letthehealingbegin