The game of basketball as we know it was developed in about 1891, while General Patton was born in 1885. He probably would not have known a lot about it and even missed playing it altogether if we account for the fact that World War I was a pretty recent offset in his life, meaning that there would be no time for leisure activities, just focus on the war. He was tutored at home until the age of eleven, at which point he was set off to school. By this time, General Patton was not going to be made aware of all the proper rules of basketball.
Now this is where it gets interesting. General George S. Patton was approximately six foot two and was a very successful strategist. He also rode horseback, and was considered an expert at it, meaning he knows how to traverse across a stretch of land.Additional fact: he was in the goddamn Olympics in 1912 for his skill in running AND fencing. Double whammy that is sure to be instrumental for the great game of basketball. General Patton did end up going to Westpoint, a military school in the US for those who aren’t aware. This means he was taught routine and strategy, both extremely needed in the game of basketball.
While it may be obvious that because General Patton has advantages in both strategy, height, and traversing a stretch of land, as well as running and fencing experience in the Olympics, don’t discount Patton Oswalt.
He grew up in a time where basketball was mainstream, meaning he knows how the game is won with the NBA and what other plays have been invented since General Patton’s time, assuming that Patton has not been kept up to speed since his passing.
Patton Oswalt voiced Remy, the best chef of all time, in the movie Ratatouille, which means that he automatically gets a leg-up for having an Oscar-worthy performance. He’s also a comedian, known for a role on King and Queens, which means he knows to persevere even when you have the worst of the worst on you. (That show isn’t good.)
Now, Patton Oswalt was named after General Patton, which is interesting and means that their fates are intertwined for eternity throughout until the end of days or time, whichever comes first honestly.
Patton Oswalt was part of a fraternity, which DEFINITELY means he knows how to aim for a basket, like his laundry basket, trash basket, or a basketball hoop hung up by a swimming pool. That, and Beer Pong. This should not be discredited, as it is still involving coordination.
NOW HERE COMES THE FUN PART: WHO WINS?
Patton Oswalt is five foot three, while General Patton is six foot two. This makes for a game full of fun trashtalking based on height, but the shorter the person is, the more rage they have in life and will take it out by any means necessary. Oswalt would also be closer to the knees, thus taking the General quite a few times to come up with a feasible strategy to get the ball and keep the ball away from any quick hands and avoid “accidental” hits to the knees or lower legs.
General George S. Patton has a few tricks up his sleeves. Because he is a brilliant strategist, of course he has plans upon plans. He also carried ivory-handled guns to war, believing it to be more showy and tasteful–he might have been right, I never saw them–but he also designed his own damned sword, which means that his mind? Sharper than the blade.
So yes, Patton Oswalt gives a fighting chance because he has nothing to live for now that King of Queens is finally done and over with and he was also a frat bro, but this also means that his emotions may be running quite a bit higher, thus meaning that General Patton has more experience with showing cards at the very last minute instead of laying them down five minutes into the game.
Well played, General Patton.
