3_in_Hälfte

I have a lot of thoughts. And so do you. We all do. Let's resonate with one another then.

[3-in-haelfte]

I’ve been watching Youtube videos teaching our generation how to breathe; it goes something like this:

In through your nose

1-2-3

out from your mouth

1-2-3-4-5

This is easy, right? It's both primal and essential. 

I mean,

 we arrive into this world already crying our

 breathe out loud. 

Announcing our presence 

as a battle cry in front of 

strangers and our parents.

This is why I find

hard to believe that one day I’d

breath you in and start drowning and counting 

1-7-7-4- Wait no. That’s not my breathe.

That’s my phone number.

Can you text me back?

[3-in-haelfte]

And I want to leave everything for them:

I want to share and shed what I’ve got.

I scratch the dead skin out of my fresh flesh.

I’m so clear headed.

The things I’ve had or perhaps 

Never had. They Were never there since it began

I didn’t want to spend the night, just the thought of it sent shivers down my spine 

Like sun in my eyes

I was again shameful secret 

Twelve steps and I still haven’t learned how to deal with that side of the family.

No one can understand it and neither do I.

The one that got away, the one that will never be and the one who’s meant to hurt me;

Are the triads of the things I’m not. 

Pinkies tied with knots 

You haven’t been on my mind a lot.

[3-in-haelfte]

We’re the black words 

against gold background.

Innocent birds

Are never this profound- 

We are the dirt

Everyone keeps around.

They never felt this hurt

But they like to pretend

All gowned and crowned 

They understand;

For the clout 

and for the trend.

We’re puppets,

Golden nuggets 

until we kick the bucket.

Why give them the pleasure?

Their ego ain’t a treasure.

But we are black against a gold background.

They are gold, 

Between black and dirt,

Cold and foretold

I’m pretty sure

We would rather grow old,

Than take this toll. 

[3-in-haelfte]

Soft kisses and late night misses; I wish, among a genuine laugh to be happy, to not be ruled by mercury and what I feel. Wishes keep coming because how could I live if not out of hope. Avoidances and questions that keep coming and travels that never happen. Wine and change start in the head . I wish right now to have fishtail and swim to Italy - I had dinner dates waiting there for me.

Too many answered questions for someone who lived for over a decade among and amidst the one thing I am sure right now:

Wasted talent 

[3-in-haelfte]

i was salt, i was dream and imagination

swallowing landscape and pesky tourists. i was hungry. 

i was fabrication of the one who stood in my body before me. childish dreams of being more than hungry.

I was rage; and fire; and the atlantic ocean 

today.

and every other day,

the fire is my skin, rage is my body and i’m my own ocean. 

everything is out of place, twisted.

it makes me wonder

what if this is my extinction?

                             it only makes the fire brighter

[3-in-haelfte]

i woke up in pain, 

today and every other day.

i survive on stomach liners and pain killers.

it’s like,

i don’t even have my own back.

everything is out of place, twisted.

it makes me wonder

what if so am i?

[3-in-haelfte]

It has been years since I felt this nested.

I know those are what you make of them, but damn

Those blankets layered out like that.

Wrapping me up after a small request for help,

Acquaintances, colleagues and friends got my back like pillows never did.

Miraculously my scoliosis reversed.  I don’t even need those braces, doctor. I swear.

[3-in-haelfte]

Rain and Rats

Remember

Leave space in your mouth for rain

Leave space for rats.

Because believe it or not

They are both vital to the ecosystem of your insides.

Rain because it comes from places you’ll never touch and rats

Because it comes from the places you’d rather not touch.

[3-in-haelfte]

I want to be fierce,

I want to be fire that burns so hot no one can resist but to wish to be consumed by it;

I think I am it,

But instead 

I only have myself to burn

And at this point I can no longer afford a soothing cream for these.

Strong and resilient are labels which 

 I’m genuinely getting tired of.

Why must I be strong when I want to be soft?

[3-in-haelfte]

A couple in front of me

Sweet home Alabama they look like cousins who dyed their hair

But at least when they lean their heads

against each other. I’m carrying my home in my back

And much probably a whole lot of other baggage 

And when I lean my head

It’s against a protective glass.

It should stay like that

Greasy protection, so greasy my weary head slips at every brusque stop.

They might fall asleep in each other’s arms,

I won’t. 

That’s a good thing right?

Hyper vigilance for the things I still have left to do. 

She looks at me, with a certain impertinent consistency 

So does he.

What do they want from me?

I stare back. It has become a staring contest

What if I talk talk to one of them?

What if they just wanna be friends?

I have a megaphone maybe I should just ask them if they want to walk me home.

Cause you know,

This city is full of wolves.

They are moving towards me

That as a very mediocre threesome

And very needed bed.

[3-in-haelfte]

Privilege looks a lot like being able to ignore a crisis that others are dying from

But they keep us fed and tired enough to not see what’s going on the rest of the world

Demagogy à la carte

It’s like cheese in a mouse’s trap 

[3-in-haelfte]

Greed and recklessness 

forced our uprising and 

maybe our mothers would have loved us

 if they could breathe underneath

 sky-rise paper bills and they didn't need to drag their oh-so-dead bodies;

through concrete and faulted asphalt.

Maybe we could love ourselves and each other if we weren't so busy learning how to breathe in the bottom of the ocean in between two jobs, and half a concussion from 

dreaming dead asleep and keeping time from drowning our ambitions further into the ground.

[3-in-haelfte]

Mostly Void, Partially Starry

The weather is gray and people walk with their necks down holding the weight of scarfs and heavy living. I used to love to sail crowds but now I look around and looks don’t cross mine as they used to. 

And it is really hard to tell if the cute dog is acting nervous or if I made him that way: 

Truth be told, No safe creature ever growls. 

As wild foxes drowned in petrol, who leave a trail 

with their tail down 

trying to be left out of their leash, 

I leave thoughts for another day. 

But that only makes my feelings unruled: 

I blame it on Venus getting acquainted with Saturn,

walking backwards 

and dismantling all my past efforts. 

It makes me face the chaos that created me, and while I struggle to start crying, 

for some reason fireworks blow up behind me,

Celebrating an action that doesn’t quite happen 

and since I can’t figure this out on my own I google on slowly loading pages:

 “what kind of astrological conjunctions 

makes you painfully honest with others 

but not with yourself”. 

Way past the third page search 

I have to give up and recognise that the stars might be

as sarcastically mean 

as fireworks.

A moon made out of fire and recklessness: it's the excuse I use to defy the unexpectable and the unexpendable,

turning at my own expenses satellite into shiny heliocentrism:

How can a void write down all the bits and pieces I want to avoid

while it sees me trying to run as fast as its rotation?

I am coated in golden shimmering glitter trying to simmer down why did I starve myself for 4 days so I could catch so many eyes 

and yet, 

in here, I just ardently wished they looked away.

In the back of a car I shouldn’t be in, holding in their hands the map which details all the secret roads that used to lead home,

I am told,

 the problem is too much Sun in Cancer. 

Fearing I might end up looking like a flat lesion 

that bleeds through other people's favorite white shirts: I am sent to the doctor trying to remove all the parts

of me that have outgrown 

this old-fashioned world, 

but my natal chart

keeps insisting on melanoma. 

I say the world, as I say this thing we can’t quite put our finger in, hoping there is something else I can blame besides myself: so instead, this time, I’ll say

Mercury has been acting according to its strange odds these days. 

Shuffling the tides of my own sense of identity like a deck of tarot cards that has been on BRB for two weeks now. 

At its side, like fire trying to burn down what was already charred, Orion has drawn a cynical version of Mars that insists 

on staying put in the first house 

of a tabletop game that is weirdly shaped like my insights:

An exaggerated ellipse makes me miss the right turn around Saturn.

After the tight curve, 

I am faced with thirst 

and danger,

we stare right back at each other.

I blink first.

[3-in-haelfte]

I should be doing a million other things, and yet here I am finding myself doing this thing. The thing to write about other million ideas when I have other million ideas waiting to be done.

Right now, I'm doing 2, have another 3 in waiting list but already started,

another 5 awaiting success of some of the others previously aforementioned. Oh yeah 4 other more. Started. Really liked it. Had to put them on hold because the other 14, -and I'm sure I'm forgetting some - took priority over. - ok let's say I forgot 6 more - Well, then 10 other more for the things I've surely forgotten.

Sometimes, I'm afraid I'll runout of ideas.

But here I am: starting yet another one.

This the thing that if I couldn't do I'd languish.

[3-in-haelfte]

Wild flower

She dresses in pale pink flowers and I could swear she is made of them. She wears them with the same ease as I welcome breezes on Summer afternoons.

I wish I could tell her what I did: I wish I could tell her I made her a nest on mind; permanent residence free of charge, even in the most inconvenient situations, she is much wished tenant on a house that only needs a little love to be back to its full glory. In which in the living room plays the movies I made in my head about how would our first kiss look like. I wish I could tell her everytime I see her wild hair fall down I want it to fall wild down on me. That movie would play on the ceiling of our bedroom. I wish I could tell her "I won't tell you this because I'm afraid I'll lose you". She has taken me so many times out my shell I no longer believe there's a need to have one. I'm so sure, I could survive a shelterless winter if the sun would ever dare to be so bright as her.

[3-in-haelfte]

I got this body as an inheritance, it rememberers so much. I am my mother and her mother before her. I'm the consequence of two strangers at several altars. There's dimension to this diamond built in between pressure and charcoal future. I'm doing the best I can, I hope it's enough. You could never keep me safe nor loved. So I learned that by myself and the thing I read on my computer.

[3-in-haelfte]

We both make wrong turns, None of us learned how to map out the pain. None of us has the words. None of us know if we should stay "I don't wanna talk about it anymore," You say "We are just beating on a dead horse", I say. How much of heart can we afford to hide? Maybe we are just a fraud in a good disguise. But we are just trying to bargain Not to get thrown from the Garden So fast we fell to beggin' Have you ever lost heaven? But that should never be what keep us together.