Alright GO fans, let's talk Sodom and Gomorrah. This biblical story comes up a few times in Good Omens canon, a kind of offhand mention each time, and the most interesting part to me is the implication that Aziraphale was there.
If you only know the cliff-notes version, you've probably heard it as the story of God condemning homosexuality to the point of wiping out several cities over it. Maybe you've heard this too, but - that's not exactly what happened. Look, I'm an atheist, I have no dog in this race. If I thought it was about smiting people for homosexuality, I'd be happy to call God a wanker and move on. But I've read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah (You can too! It's very short!) and I've read other parts of the Bible that reference it, and I think a much more straightforward interpretation is that it's about offering hospitality and protection to strangers. It's also about the consequences of wanton cruelty, and God laying waste to those deemed beyond salvation.
In Good Omens, the book, Aziraphale and Crowley discuss Sodom and Gomorrah this way:
"Come off it. Your lot get ineffable mercy," said Crowley sourly.
"Yes? Did you ever visit Gomorrah?"
"Sure," said the demon. "There was this great little tavern where you could get these terrific fermented date-palm cocktails with nutmeg and crushed lemongrass-"
"I meant afterwards."
"Oh."
According to the book, then, Aziraphale at least saw the city after it was destroyed. Maybe Crowley saw the aftermath too or maybe he just heard about it. They both understand it as horrific.
The show is more direct, and suggests that Aziraphale was there during the actual destruction. Gabriel asks if Aziraphale remembers Sandalphon. Aziraphale does.
"Sodom and Gomorrah. You were doing a lot of smiting and turning people into salt. Hard to forget."
Aziraphale regards Sandalphon warily during the conversation. I believe we're supposed to interpret this scene based on the popular understanding of Sodom and Gomorrah as cities that God wiped out because of the inhabitants' sins. The obvious implication, then, is that Sandalphon is the heavy, the one called in to deal with disobedience. He's trigger-happy, relishes violence, and Aziraphale has seen what he's capable of. From the careful way Aziraphale discusses their prior acquaintance, I think he feels the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was a tragedy and believes Heaven's actions were disproportionate and unjust.
I'm confident this is how we're supposed to read the scene. In the context of the story, we're supposed to understand that Aziraphale doesn't approve of the smiting, and that he feels threatened by Gabriel and Sandalphon coming into his bookshop and pressing him about Armageddon. But I'm fascinated by what it would mean if Aziraphale and Sandalphon's history really tracks onto the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Because if Good Omens' version of Sodom and Gomorrah is at all biblically accurate, and if Aziraphale was there... it's kind of mind-blowing, actually, that he still feels so much compassion for the people who died and still thinks Sandalphon was wrong.
I'm going to explain why, but fair warning, it gets ugly. I promise nobody is actually raped, and I think that promise in itself says plenty.
According to the Bible, Sodom and its surrounding cities are accused of being overrun with sin. God sends two angels to Sodom to verify this, intending to destroy everything if they find it to be true. In the world of Good Omens, I think one of these angels must be Aziraphale. The other one is likely Sandalphon, but in the Bible it's God rather than either of the angels who rains down burning sulfur on the cities so it's possible it's someone else, and Sandalphon is only on smiting duty. Without anything else to go on, though, let's assume it's Sandalphon.
So our two angels arrive at Sodom in the evening, and at the gate to the city, they meet Lot. Lot is an immigrant who has made his home in Sodom, and I think the implication is that this is why he's not completely steeped in sin like everyone else. In any case, he immediately offers to put the angels up for the night, and although they'd planned to stay in the square, Lot is really insistent. He is a good host! Also, he knows the city is dangerous. So the angels go to his house and he makes dinner for them, and then before they can go to bed, a mob shows up at the door.
See, the men of Sodom have heard about the strangers staying with Lot. They surround his house and demand he hand them over. The New King James Version puts it this way: And they called to Lot and said to him, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may know them carnally." Several other translations say that the men wanted to "have sex with them". But I mean. It's a fucking mob. They've surrounded the house. We all get what this is, right?
So Lot goes out to meet the men, and he says "Don't do this terrible thing." Off to a good start! Then he says, "Tell you what, I have two virgin daughters. Do what you like to them and we'll say no more about it." Oh boy. Dad of the year award, right there. But still, he insists, "The angels are under my roof and my protection."
The men outside Lot's house are pissed. They say, "You're an outsider, who are you to judge us?" They threaten to do worse to him than to the angels. They swarm him and almost break the door down, but the angels pull him back inside.
The angels then strike the mob with blindness to stop them getting into the house. They say to Lot, "Look, you gotta take your family and get out of here. God sent us to see how bad things were and, uh, long story short, we're burning it all to the ground. You get it, right?"
Maybe you know the rest. Lot's son-in-laws don't believe him and won't leave the city. Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters take shelter in a small town called Zoar, and from there flee to the mountains. Everything else is destroyed.
It is a tragedy. The plains are leveled down to ash, until there's nothing left that can even grow. Was there really no one innocent in those cities? No children or animals? (You can't kill kids). Still, I think about that awful night under Lot's roof and I don't think I could blame anyone for giving up on all of it.
So what if that's the story? There were two angels in Sodom before it fell. What if it really was Aziraphale and Sandalphon, trapped through the night in a stranger's house, surrounded by men who want to rape them. Whatever their power as angels, that has to be terrifying.
If it was Sandalphon there with Aziraphale that night in Sodom, I have to wonder what he was like. There isn't any kinship or understanding from Aziraphale. Despite knowing the circumstances better than anyone, he still sees Sandalphon as a threat. Given that, I think Sandalphon must have taken a truly disturbing kind of joy in raining down vengeful fire and brimstone, beyond what you might expect from someone who was afraid or angry. Maybe he was never afraid; maybe instead he revelled in the violence building through the night as the reason he needed to tear everything down. Maybe he was afraid in the terrible way that exposes the depths someone will sink to to protect themselves (maybe offering his daughters was never Lot's idea). Or maybe Aziraphale just tried to reach out to him afterwards, to offer understanding and ask for some in return, and Sandalphon shot him down so coldly and viciously that Aziraphale knew immediately this wasn't something he was allowed to have feelings about. Whatever happened that night, it left Aziraphale feeling more of an outsider from Heaven than ever.
But if it happened that way, it happened this way too: Aziraphale survives a night like that, and when he looks out into the breaking dawn, he thinks, these cities don't deserve to burn. He sees the good in a place that's just shown him its absolute worst. I think that says everything about him as a character, actually. Of course he won't give up on Heaven. Of course he'll fight tooth and nail for his home on Earth. Whatever the worst is, there are still things worth saving. There are still, always, people worth protecting.
On that note, before I wrap this up, I want to go back to Lot's words to the men of Sodom, and draw a parallel that makes me feel some kind of way. Because when Lot declares the angels under his protection, what he says is essentially, "Do not do anything to these men, for they have come under the shadow of my roof for protection." And all I can think about, reading these lines, is Aziraphale standing in his bookshop as it's surrounded by hostile demons, and telling the angel under the shadow of his roof, "You came to me. I said I would protect you. And I will."
I learned today that michael sheen is a not for profit actor and donates all his earnings to charity and that when the homeless world cup lost its funding he sold two houses to save it. He’s literally kissing david tennant for charity. The dream
Reblogging this again just to add commentary, because I notice new things every time I look at this scene and I need to yell about them. Shot by shot, because every one is a treasure:
Comments are right, he's blinking a lot more as Aziraphale and it seems to be a deliberate choice. Also he looks so tired here. He did not have a good day. But he's relieved that it's over.
Not blinking here at all. Too busy watching. So wary. So alert. He's been watching both of their backs for so long.
Michael is always a master of microexpressions but in this shot his face is positively quaking. So many little flickers and twitches, especially in the jaw. Crowley is barely holding back an apocalyptic amount of RAGE here.
He does the Eyebrows flawlessly. 10/10 Tennant energy.
The TONGUE. Thank you commenters, I almost missed that.
Still with the banked fury, but also something sad about this expression. There's heartbreak in there somewhere. For Aziraphale, and perhaps for all of Heaven, that this is what they've become.
Still watchful. I'm telling you nothing gets past this snake. I legitimately don't think Az has any idea just how Watched Over he is. (He doesn't need to, that's the point. Crowley wants him safe without him having to worry.)
There's the Crowley sass leaking through! 'Greater good', how often has he heard that phrase? Turning it right around on them.
More watching? Or casting a pensive glance up to Heaven?
Crowley does NOT LIKE being touched, at least not by people who aren't Aziraphale. (Even then, he's never the one who initiates it, is he?) That nervous twitch-smile was all him, I think, not imitating Aziraphale at all. Afsjlfjajf I have feelings about how he knew there might be violence here and was willing to step into that, given his personal experiences.
Love this. Another hint of the unique powers he possesses. Aziraphale asks him if anyone is watching. Either because he's particularly good at sensing it, or because he can make them not pay attention. Or both.
Now that's an Aziraphale half-smile. A really good one, too.
About to circle around behind Az, to the right side, for the sake of the ruse. Also reassuring him about the bookshop. Because he checked it out personally and he knows nothing is out of place, because he knows the place as well as Aziraphale does.
Another Aziraphale smile. Those eyebrows. Where is he pulling that innocence from?
'Swap back then?' So casual. Going to pretend this was nothing, huh Crowley?
I... just. Chills. What can I say here? That cool look. That tiny lip twitch. No, you won't. Just between them, demon to demon, he isn't even pretending to be a sweet innocent angel. He draws a LINE. He knew the Archangels might do something, but no way is a low-level demon hitting Aziraphale, even pretend Aziraphale. Get out, son. You don't want to be here right now.
Hello Tumblr! First post ever. I’m an illustrator living in the Chicago western suburbs who is currently suffering from a severe case of Good Omens obsession. So I’ll be sharing my artwork here!
What does Aziraphale know, and when does he know it? Prologue
This is a sequel to, and expansion of, several metas of mine:
Aziraphale is wise to the Metatron's game
because the Metatron overplayed his hand
so Aziraphale is covertly, kayfabe-ly begging for Crowley's help in the final scene.
You might also want to read my kayfabe post as background for this one.
I'm no longer as sold on the body-swap theory as I was (though if it turns out to be true, I'm fine with it). I still am pretty convinced that any analysis of The Final Fifteen Minutes predicated on "Aziraphale is 100% down with the Metatron's proposal!" or "Aziraphale's super-happy about being Heaven's Number Two and bringing Crowley back to be Number Three!" is not quite right.
(Oh shit. Number Two. The Prisoner. Yikes.)
Fortunately, one part of The Final Fifteen Minutes seems clear to me: Crowley's wholly on the level. That beautiful brave head-over-heels snake is giving his naked bruised heart in its entirety to his angel. He has dropped kayfabe, dropped the breakfast-at-the-Ritz posturing, broken through his reticence. He's all in. (Yeah, the "run away" solution is suboptimal, as many other metas point out, but it's what he has.)
Now, Aziraphale. Aziraphale has some specific behaviors that indicate he's happy, or pleased with an outcome:
He giggles (as while pulling Crowley into the dance).
He shoulder-shimmies. Sometimes he twists his whole body back and forth from the knees up (this has a bit of a roguish feel to it).
He tosses around words like "nice" and "good" and "kind" freely (often to Crowley's kayfabe-inflected dismay).
He does this little bent-arm swing with loosely-closed fists at shoulder level or above (as when he's telling Hamlet to buck up in s1, or exulting at their half-miracle in s2). In general his body is quite relaxed.
His smiles may be entirely open (watch Sheen's eyes as well as his mouth -- if his eyes are wide open while he's smiling, Aziraphale's happy), or they may be crinkle-eyed closed-mouth sometimes-even-tilted-head "awwww" smiles (as at Mary in s1, or Muriel or Crowley in s2), or they may be self-satisfied smirks. I think we can agree that these smiles are very different from the tense, guarded, eyes-not-involved, closed-mouth or too-toothy kayfabe smiles he gives when he's going-along-to-get-along with the archangels, in either season.
Similarly, when Aziraphale's dismayed or anxious, his body language communicates it, typically by tensing up. One of the commonest indicators is both his hands raised to around chest level, pushing out. Another common indicator, of course, is kayfabe-style suppression of movement -- the other angels control their body language quite strictly (though s1!Gabriel lets his face go a bit), so Aziraphale tries to as well when he's with them. He also overcontrols his body when he's irked (as when he sets up to watch Crowley's Apology Dance).
With that said, what I want to do is walk through Aziraphale's experience of The Final Fifteen Minutes from Aziraphale's chronological point of view (which isn't exactly what we see in the show). I want to look specifically at:
what Aziraphale learns, moment by moment
what his face and body are communicating about what he's feeling
what his words are and aren't saying
more speculatively, what he doesn't know that he might like to know
still more speculatively, what his plans might be, moment-to-moment
Because all this together, I think, gives us firmer ground to meta-speculate with than we seem to have managed thus far.
Everyone STOP what you're doing and READ this meta (I'll allow you to get yourself a cup of tea first because it's a long read but it's worth it!) And then go re-watch those final fifteen minutes again because your whole Good Omens paradigm will have shifted.
So you know how we established years ago that when performing miracles Aziraphale appears to pull power down from Heaven, and conversely Crowley appears to pull his power up from Hell? This is cued to us visually when they snap their fingers - Aziraphale's hand moves down, Crowley's moves up. I'm almost sure this was confirmed as intentional and not "just fan theory", so I'm taking it as given.
I noticed something interesting during the "Before the Beginning" opening scene.
Crowley-as-an-angel makes hand motions right after saying "Let there be matter, let there be gravity...": (meta continued under the cut)
His hands sort of twirl around from up to down, and then push outward from himself. (I can't make or find a gif, I'm really sorry - if anyone wants to add one you'll have my eternal gratitude)
Then, when he says "Let there be Light", his hand starts low, moves up, and then moves back down again.
Compare this to Aziraphale's "Let there be Light":
Angel!Crowley throughout his big nebula-making miracle appears to be pulling power from all around him, from pretty much every direction - or at least, from the sides, down, and up, relative to himself.
I wouldn't expect him to appear to pull power solely up from below, of course, but wouldn't it be consistent to have him visually pull power down? Since he's an angel, and that's what we've seen Aziraphale do? I think it's significant that that is not what we see Crowley do.
Now. I grant that this could just be because they're in space - or maybe even less than space, considering he's about to create a nebula. We might rightfully assume Crowley is just sort of floating in the firmament of raw, unstructured protomatter. But space is a "real place" in the way that earth and alpha centauri are, and Heaven and Hell by contrast are metaphysical, not made of matter. Stay with me.
I'm interested in what this might say about the structure of things before there was Heaven and Hell.
Hell didn't exist until Lucifer/Satan and half the Host of angels Fell (some sources say it was 1/3 but GO has made it clear that there is an equal number of fallen and not-fallen). Heaven might technically exist before the Fall, but we haven't seen it, so I would argue that even if it does exist it is not anything like what we've seen. We have only seen Heaven after the Fall.
Heaven and Hell are referenced visually as being up and down respectively, relative to earth. But they don't necessarily exist literally above and below earth - they exist on a metaphysical plane represented as one single giant office building/skyscraper with Heaven occupying the top floor, earth somewhere in the middle, and Hell in the basement.
So with all that being said, I have a little theory about what happened when the angels were separated and then aligned with either Heaven or Hell by the Fall.
If before the Fall, angels like the-angel-who-became-Crowley drew power from all around them, from any "direction" they chose, and after the Fall, demons draw from Hell and angels draw from Heaven, that might mean that the totality of power available to angels and demons was halved by the separation of Heaven and Hell.
I hope that made you think of the accidentally-super-powerful, 25 Lazarii miracle that retired demon Crowley and renegade angel Aziraphale performed jointly while they were actually trying to generate the least amount of power possible.
That's certainly what I'm thinking about.
I don't feel like this discounts "the power of love" theory of their co-miracle either; maybe love is required to regain what they've lost.
I can't see it clearly and even if I thought I could, I wouldn't share it publicly, but I think there might be something really important here. I think it might matter in the third act of our romcom drama. I have been a "reunification of the Host as endgame" truther since I first found out season 2 was going to be a real thing, and nothing that I've noticed nor any other theory I've subscribed to since has made me think otherwise.
Crowley and Aziraphale don't understand how powerful they can be together. Is this because the Fall cut off not only demons from "Heaven's" power, but angels from what-became-Hell's power? Did all angels, fallen and not, lose something in the Fall?
YAAAASSSSS! This post scratches me in all the places I itch. I definitely think that the angels in 'Heaven' are just as fallen as those in 'Hell', they just have better hygiene and a nicer view.
i still don't think I've fully processed the implications of the Crowley-as-an-angel scene and how it shows that he's been trying to prevent armageddon since before time even began. he heard that 6000-year universal age limit and immediately knew what it meant. it was the first thing he did "wrong", the cause of his first and oldest and deepest wound, it's "you can't kill kids", it's his deeply held belief that it's not acceptable to create just to destroy. he tries to stop it before it even begins and he Falls, he tries again after the first 6000 years & temporarily succeeds. he says let's run away but he hasn't yet, and it's hard to imagine he actually will.
we only ever talked about HALF of why these scenes were a big deal, like I just realized this today and my heart is going insane.
It’s not just that Crowley’s pissed at Gabriel for treating who he thinks as Aziraphale this way, the last thing he says to the people about to kill him is a benign and peaceful wish to see them again.
And like- this is Crowley trying to replicate Aziraphale to a T. So he legitimately just sees him as this endless well of compassion, someone who is always warm and accepting. It’s not just their friendship throughout the years, he remembers Aziraphale’s kindness on the Eastern Gate. When the angel had absolutely no reason to trust this random demon who just slithered up next to him. Crowley knows that he’s loved. Maybe not like that quite yet (although he’d be very wrong), but he knows that around his friend he’s always welcome and safe.
And Aziraphale?
Well he just thinks Crowley’s the coolest fucker alive, like he is laying it in THICK and enjoying every second. Listen to that charisma, look at that smirk. These are traits that are typically only appreciated in the context of how good it makes Crowley at tempting, a job he hates. But Aziraphale doesn’t see someone manipulative or regard this persona as signs of his “demonic nature”, he just sees Crowley. Someone charming, fun loving, and cute.
This is when we get to know precisely why they love each other, what exactly they see in the other.
edit: this is now my most popular post, good work team, lol
There's a reason why this is your most popular post @biceratops7 - cuz it's awesome! And so true! A little window into what they really think admire love about each other when the other one isn't watching.
Season 1 when it's being explained how Pepper got her full name, there is this scene of hippy folk in the field. Is that David and Michael photo shopped into the scene??
Good catch! Not sure it would need to be photoshopped in though? Surely David and Michael could have just turned up on the day they shot the hippies-in-a-field scene? Either way, love the little details in this show!
look. i want a Crowley and Muriel Running the Bookshop Hijinks Montage as much as the next Good Omens fan, okay? but if we're trying to actually figure out what season 3 will be like, rather than just have fun daydreaming, i think we gotta focus less on season 2 and more on the book.
specifically, we need to ask: what sequel would Neil and Terry have written to this book? what would make sense, given the story they told and the tropes they used? and how does season 2 get us there?
because if i were writing a story about ineffectual field agents developing an unlikely friendship and stopping the apocalypse together, the sequel would be, "it's an apocalypse again, and this time they've both gotten promotions," not "one got a promotion and the other's getting wine-drunk about it in the bookshop."
i'm not saying it wouldn't work. it very much would work with the story we've been given via the show. but it wouldn't work as a sequel to the book. even if you read them as a couple, or as becoming a couple at the end, which i do as it reads just like every Discworld relationship, that just doesn't fit the book from a narrative standpoint. i can't imagine that's what they plotted.
and I think the Aziraphale and Crowley we have via the show, who are obviously different from the book, are going to make this very interesting. because we have a Crowley who nothing on Earth would convince to return to hell (but Aziraphale in Heaven could just push him far enough). and an Aziraphale who returned to heaven knowing, if Michael Sheen's expressions can be trusted,* that he was making a mistake.
i bet we get a supreme archangel and a duke of hell. they're both completely heartbroken. and they're fucking terrifying because of it. i can't wait.
1. when beelzebub is like, “you could be a duke of hell!”
2. the 1941 minisode where a big moment in crowley/aziraphale’s relationship has the effect of ruining furfur’s ambition to “climb the greasy pole” of hell’s hierarchy. at the end of s2, furfur has fully hitched his wagon to shax’s rise… be a shame if something (crowley) were to happen to it
Yes, and remember the WHOLE thing was inspired by the film(s?) "The Omen", so we need to also consider what tropes Messrs Gaiman and Pratchett may have been planning to draw on or turn on their head for the sequel.
Theory: Crowley's snake form was a GIFT from God, not a punishment
GIF von capinejghafa
We all thought Crowley's snake form was part of his punishment for asking questions.
But: what if it wasn't meant as a punishment?
Imagine: the angels are angry about Crowley asking questions. God is pleased: Crowley is appreciating the creations. He is curious, intelligent, brave, has a pure heart, he cares more about truth than following rules. He truly cares and values the creations, because he is asking questions and thinking about it. The other angels are all kind of: 'oh, yes, God made it, so it has, needless to say, to be beautiful. No questions necessary, because we trust in God's great plan.' They don't waste a single thought to think about why the creations are beautiful.
If you create something, you LOVE it when people poin out why they love your creation. You get excited every time someone notices a hidden detail. Conclusion: God must be so incredibly bored with the angels just praising him without truly recognizing what is praisable.
And then there comes Crowley, our Starmaker, with his joy, excitement and actually being aware of why the universe is beautiful. God must have felt like an artist getting a compliment for a hidden detail.
Pushing Crowley to hell wasn't God's decision, it was the angels - removing someone from the office who doesn't cheer to the rules. All the heavenly buerocrats don't like questions, because they profit from the system and don't want changes. They are very comfy with just cheering to everything God does. Have trust in his plans, always. The heavenly buerocrats don't want Crowley to ask questions, because he is indirectly pointing out none of them cares about anything else than themselfs. (Like in the Job minisode when none of the angels was aware of the value of a human life and the love between humans) Crowley always put himself at risk for helping others, he is a guardian, even as a demon.
So when God saw what the angels did, he decided to make a gift to Crowley, which will always remind him about the fact that God loves his thoughts and questions. God gave Crowley his snake form, and made him give knowledge to the humans. God knew Crowley loves knowledge, so what could be a greater gift than being able to share knowledge? And since God has an weird ineffable sense of humor, nobody will recognize the gift as such, and Crowley's snake form is a disguise to sneak an intelligent, caring, pure hearted guardian into hell's bee hive.
What if God gave Crowley the snake eyes as a symbol of Crowley seeing things differetly? It is God's weird ineffable way to tell Crowley: 'I appreciate your ability and will to look behind the things, question the reasons and to truly care about my creations.'
But because of heaven's buerocracy God had to disguise his gift as a punishment, so the buerocrats won't recognize it. Like, telling hell: 'hey, wouldn't it be fun to see him crawl? You know....some kind of snake? Won't it?' And hell: 'oh yes, sounds like fun. For us, not for Crowley of course. Let's do that.'
God has a weird ineffable sense of humor. Giving someone a gift which isn't recognizeable as a gift would fit perfectly in ineffable humor.
Conclusion: God gifted Crowley the snake form and the ability to bring knowledge to the humans. He is a guardian disguised as demon in hell's bee hive. God knew Crowley would care about humanity, appreciating their curiosity and hunger for knowledge. For someone who cherishes knowledge and the ability to ask questions - wouldn't it be utter joy to share knowledge?
Crowley becoming the serpent of eden was God's GIFT to Crowley, and his snake eyes are a daily reminder for his love of knowledge and care for others.
God knows it is a burden, but he is well aware about Crowley's strength. He knows Crowley is strong enough. And he loves Crowley for all the things, heaven and hell hate about him: his curiosity, his pure heart, his questions, his kindness. (the same things, Aziraphale loves about him, amongst many other things)
Mm, interesting. My favourite bit of this, though, is pointing out that maybe Crowley is a guardian disguised as a demon in Hell's beehive. And Crowley doesn't even realise it himself, even though he employs the exact same tactic to get back into heaven when he needs to!
“One time my Nanny and the Gardener were having a heated argument in the car and he took her Queen tape out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and she looked him dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same tape and put it back in the player.”
I can totally envision Warlock’s version of the duck story!
One day when I was ten, the gardener comes into the house soaking wet and says, in that voice one usually reserves for toddlers or small animals, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Nanny yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which the gardener replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into the kitchen. I think about that every goddamn day.
“I love my family, or at the very least people would assume so. People would think that growing up as a politician’s son would be easy, and they are right. I got everything that I ever asked for, spending money the only way Rick People could spend money.
“Dad! I want a Pony” Boom, Pony is at my feet
“Dad! I wanted it black” Boom. Done. Pony now looks like it crawled out of the Black Lagoon.
“Dad! The Pony glared at me!” I get a bottle of glue the next day. I was living the Rickie Rich lifestyle. I can have anything I want.
But the best part of growing up rich, the absolute best part, was that we were able to afford our own nanny.
I love her so much but am goddamn terrified of her to this day. I am a 28 year old man and I live in my own bodyweight of fear towards her.
When I was 1 to when I was 11, we had a nanny in our house. Her name is Nanny. If you call her anything else you will die. Somedays I think that my parents made a Rumpelstiltskin Deal with her before I was born, where instead of taking baby me she just moved in to our house to raid our fridge and judge the world from lofty windows. This is just the first part of the mystery of my nanny.
She dresses like she is preparing to go to a funeral. And the difference between preparing to go and actually going is that they hadn’t found the body yet. You know when friends say that they would kill someone for you? Nanny would gut a cat if I wanted to play the violin that’s how hardcore she was. She wore red sunglasses because her glare alone could turn anyone to stone. If you squint hard enough you can actually see lasers coming out of her eyes.
Now you need to remember, I lived with this woman for Ten Years. Since I was a baby. This shit was normalized to me. While my parents were in West Wing I was living in the Addams Family. Nanny loved me and raised me and so what if she told me that I was going to lead Satan’s Army someday. That’s just Nanny. But throughout all of this, I never truly understand how terrifying she could be until I was 8 years old.
Picture this: a little 8 year old me, plump and trimmed with baby fat, standing next to Mary Poppin’s evil twin. One day we were going out for brunch so I can, and I’m quoting here “practice giving out orders when the army of hell arrives”
I’m still waiting for them, just to let you know.
So we get inside Nanny’s car, an old Black 1933 Bently which plays nothing but Queen music on cassettes.
I know this sounds fake, but she is a real person and not some Baba Yaga who decided not to eat me.
As we were about to leave, Brother Francis ran out to us. Francis was out gardener. He worked for us for as long as Nanny has, wears suspenders and a sun hat, and I’m pretty sure he ran away from a monastery. He walks up to Nanny and asks for a ride to the local gardening store for supplies. So he gets in the front seat, I’m in the back, and all three of us get on our way.
At 1000 miles per hour in a 55 zone.
Now I’m 8 years old. And no matter how cool your Nanny is, you just don’t pay attention to boring adult stuff like meetings, or finances, or traffic safety laws. So I’m lost in my own thoughts on how to direct my hell army to build myself a waterpark.
I don’t know how long I zoned out because when I snapped back in Nanny and Francis were arguing. Not in the pleasant passive aggressive way that makes you rethink your life choices, but full on yelling. So we are speeding down the road like death is chasing us. Bohemian Rhapsody is playing on blast. Nanny and Francis screaming at each other. Sulfur filled the air, radiant light pulsed menacing around us. Exactly how I imagined what parents fighting would be like. Things came to a head right as Freddy was about to hit his last “For Me!” because that was when this meek looking gardener snapped. Francis turns to Nanny and screams “YOU’RE DRIVING TOO FAST!” yanks the cassette out and pitches it out the window.
And then time stood still.
Have you ever been on a rollercoaster where at the top of the first hill staring down you regret every decision you’ve ever made that led you to this point? That was where we were all at.
Because there were three rules to Nanny’s Bently. Nanny always drives. Nanny always drives fast. And Nanny always drives fast with Freddy Mercury blaring down like her own personal angel.
This is all new uncharted territory for me. I’ve never seen anyone even dare disrespect her angel and plan to live to tell the tale. I was just watching in fascinated horror as this moment just searing into my mind.
Nanny’s looking directly at Francis, you can feel her eye’s heat laser’s charging up. I was trying to think of reasons to tell my parents why we don’t have a gardener anymore. Because even at 8 years old I know a death marker when I’ve seen one and by the end of the trip I was expecting Francis to be nothing but a smoldering piled of ash and a $15 hat.
She looks at him, and takes one hand off the wheel. Still barreling down the road like a madman mind you. But it alright because time’s frozen so we don’t hit anything. And with one hand, she reaches in front of him to the glove compartment, gently pulls out another cassette tape, and places it in the deck.
[pauses]
[sings] “FOR ME!!!!!”
We pull into the parking lot by the time Bohemian Rhapsody ends and I have never looked at Nanny the same way ever again. Because anyone who can play the exact same song on two different cassettes without missing a beat is their own god and needs to be feared.”
