It was midnight,
and his existence eclipses the moonlight.
But why does he shines so bright?
Like the sun comes at night.
—written by Z.
todays bird
we're not kids anymore.
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@30th-ofjuly
It was midnight,
and his existence eclipses the moonlight.
But why does he shines so bright?
Like the sun comes at night.
—written by Z.
I never want to die.
I just want time to stop in the moment I feel very happy.
In the moment I feel secure, in the moment I feel like I deserve to live.
I never want to be lonely.
I just want to be appreciated enough.
I want someone to love me dearly. I want people to be happy when I’m around.
I never want to be a listener.
I wish there is a shoulder to cry myself on.
I really hope someone can hear me. I really hope I can freely tell my story.
I never want to die, to be lonely, to be a listener.
I want to live. I want to be loved. I want to be heard.
But I guess it was really hard for me…
She was born on the warmest weather of July.
Funny enough… she was never represent the summer.
Bright, yellow, and warmth can’t even tell.
Even the sunflower won’t even turn.
She was just an intoxicating unknown flower.
The one that people won’t even bother to look.
Shadow, grey, and cold will only show.
The disparaty—of her living.
Happy 25th birthday, to her.
—written by Z.
Orang berkata buruk tentang ibuku.
Tentang bagaimana ia pulang terlalu larut.
Tentang bagaimana ia terlalu rapuh untuk menjadi seorang ayah.
Tentang bagaimana ia terlalu lemah untuk menjadi sandaran.
Orang berkata buruk tentang ibuku.
Hidupnya seorang diri, tangisnya menyendiri.
Mimpinya telah ia kubur dalam-dalam, masa depannya sudah terlalu jauh menyelam.
Senyumannya hanya sebuah guratan angan, meraih seorang semu yang kini menjadi kenangan.
Ibuku terjatuh, terserok, terjungkal; telapak tangannya berdarah; keringatnya bercucuran pilu; namun kedua kakinya tetap terus berdiri tegak.
Ibuku tidak pernah menjadi buruk,
Orang-orang buruk itu yang keliru.
—written by Z.
Ayah tidak ada di sini. Rumahku itu, atapnya tidak kokoh lagi. Tiang penyangganya menghilang terbawa takdir. Dinding temboknya rapuh, sering kali dihujani air mata. Jendelanya hilang; pintunya tak dapat menyambut orang. Penghuninya saling merindu, meratapi sebuah bayangan semu. Mereka bilang, ayahku sudah berpulang.
Oh, kemana ia pergi? Sebab ayah tidak lagi ada di sini.
—written by Z.
I need blanket to hold me tight at night.
It’s cover me as I cry myself to sleep.
I never felt so warm all my life.
As people come and go—i’m getting used of being alone.
My soul feel empty. As I was never feel enough.
Though I was never told I was unlucky.
But my father died on the year i was born.
Some people said it was destiny.
But do people never thought that maybe there was a jinxed?
Maybe that was me. Maybe I still am.
If i was never been born… will the jinxed never been existed too?
I never know.
—that was me at my weakest.
Have you ever met someone who’s smile looks like it could make flowers grow?
I have.
His beam–its sparkling. He was like a ray of sunshine. The one that makes every blossom turn their direction into him.
And i was one of them.
I was the intoxicated sunflower.
He was… one of the reason I don’t have to see the shadow.
And I was like… his field of thousand suns.
–written by Z.
[inspired by this picture’s sentence, and (of course) the one and only lee seokmin a.k.a dokyeom, our happy virus.]
30th of July.
As another year passed, i was wondering how does that little girl doing?
I still remember that one thing she wanted the most in her childhood years;
as she watched all of her friends being picked up by their Papa;
as she read all of her classmates write a story about their first love;
as she heard a lot of people calling her by that nickname.
Growing up, she thought the world will be on her side.
She thought the loneliness she felt through her childhood will not haunting her when she gets older.
She thought… the feelings that she always carried in her heart will eventually be gone as she realize that being an adult is not that suck.
She’s not wrong, at all.
The world somehow is turning around her;
But she’s already getting used of being alone… it kept her from being around crowds for too long.
And if someone asks her, do you want to go back to your childhood?
She would answer, “No.”
I would never blame her for everything she felt.
I would never blame her for wishing the impossible.
I will only blame the circumstances that gave her the inner-child wounds… which now she have to endure.
And today, that little girl is 24 years old.
She still carried those wounds that stick with her for a very long time…
But she had felt those for too long until she finally got used to live with these wounds.
And it doesn’t feel so hurt anymore.
Happy birthday, little Z.
—From me, adult Z.
I can assure you, your dreams will all come true soon. So don’t worry about your future, just live your life the way you want to live it.
To the guy who were born on july 17th,
How does it feel to watch your sun disappear under the horizon?
The one who brings you light,
The one who shines the brightest,
The one… who gave you life?
As you endure the pain,
A lot of stars will keep sparkling around you,
As they told you to keep shining;
Like the moon blooms in the night’s arms.
And little did you know…
In that mean time of blooming,
You light the lonely shadows
with your iridescent soul…
As you start to find another ray,
And live in the new constellation;
Within those as an astronomer,
admiring you.
—written by Z.
This was really late, but happy belated birthday, Jeon Wonwoo. For the first time, celebrating your birthday without your other half who gave you life to this world… I hope you can find your own happiness once more from your beloved ones, your members, and Carats.🥺💖
I told sunset about you.
I told sunset about you.
The way those deep dark eyes saw me;
or a reflection of your kindness through that smile;
about your sun-kissed skin that I fell in love too;
and my addiction when you said my name.
I told sunset about you;
about those scars that you have to hide;
about those people that you have to cheer;
about those feelings... that you cannot endure.
But sunset will keep it a secret.
as they were here for a glimpse of the moment;
as a sign of beauty,
between you and the eventide;
that made me fall in love with both of you once again.
–written by Z.
[P.S. This write was inspired by this photo of Lee Dokyeom of Seventeen hahaha]
Diakhir Sang Bias
Teruntuk kamu,
senja sejatinya hanya bias
sedang dia adalah lakon utama
dari setiap bait metafora.
Sayang, bias justru membawa sang lakon
Untuk ikut pulang bersamanya
meninggalkan kesenduan yang pilu;
sebuah keikhlasan hati.
Tenang, senja bukanlah akhir dari segalanya
Dia hanyalah penanda waktu
Akan tibanya suatu hal yang lebih berarti
dari sebuah ujung bukit inginmu.
Teruntuk kamu,
coba katakan padaku,
adakah hal lain yang lebih indah
dari berakhirnya sang bias?
–written by Z.
Forever was so long a word;
It is composed of Nows; without any rewind or pause.
Forever was so long a word;
It is written of Memories; with wishes and dreams.
Forever was so long a word;
That Never becoming real; that Nightmare becoming true.
Forever was so long a word;
Being haunted by "What If"; while the golden goal is sliding away.
Forever might be full of hopes and trusts and doubts and fears,
And bleeds and burns.
But forever were just a maybe;
It is never a must;
it should've been just.. seven of you, iKON.
–written by Z.
[P.S. I wrote this because i miss iKON OT7 so much T_______T]
Bonsoir, Lilac.
Di antara biru dan kelabu,
kamu hanya berstatus semu.
Datang ketika rembulan dan mentari tak bertemu.
Langit tak pernah membisu,
Namun hadirmu membuatnya terpaku.
Kemudian... tiga, dua satu.
Mereka tergugu.
Kamu hilang, seolah tak pernah bertamu.
–written by Z.
"How can I handle a heartbreak?" Her broken voice asked, raising her head to meet my eyes.
I smiled at her. "You don't."
She blinked once. Then twice. "I don't?"
I dust my hands on my skirt as I watched her waiting for my response. "Eventually, there is no such thing that can stop you from heartbreak. You just have to live with it. Then someday, that feeling is no longer there."
She wipes her teary eyes. "How can you live peacefully knowing that your heart is shattering?"
"I don't live peacefully, at first," I answer. "I'm just like you. Think that my world has just stopped moving. Knowing there will be no one who loves me as he did. But as a matter of fact, it's just my wild thoughts brainwashing me. Soon I realize, the world will stay the same. There will be someone who will love me as he did. You can't handle heartbreak. You just have to let it in."
"And if I can't?" She asked once again. Doubts in her eyes.
I sigh. But deep inside, I smiled because I’d been in her place before. "You can. But not now, not today. There will be a day, that you'll think this kind of feeling is such a waste of time. You have to let your broken-hearted live with you."
And this time, she carefully asked me. "And if I have let it in, what happens next?"
Smiling at her, I answer. "You let it go."
–written by Z.
• Home •
It is the first rainy day of January when she landed her feet on the ground. The smell of rain reminded her so much of this place. The memories played repeatedly in the back of her mind as she made her way to the coffee shop nearby just to shelter and to warm away from the rain. It's been a couple of years now, and yet she still remembers this place as one she loved the most.
She never liked coffee before. But living in someone's country made her drink it every day, just to keep her warm, warm enough that she felt at home. And now, she never thought she will order a cup of coffee, in a local coffee shop, from her birth country, just to feel what she lost the most.
She sits in the corner of the room, facing the window. And this is another thing that she hates; sitting close to the window. She never liked it. She thought it makes people from the outside look at her. But there's this feeling right now, that she needs to sit there and see what changes have occurred in this place.
She sees through the window that there's a small stage in the middle of the road. She wonders, who the hell is the person who wants to perform when it rains like this? And she just realized that the road now is crowded with human beings. There's no car. Just people. And she understands that this is one thing that changes. This place has changed.
And there is a little gig on the stage. It's from a local band in this city. Although it was still raining, the people are not giving up and still watching the band. She smiles because she has always liked bands. Either from local or international. She has always enjoyed the music.
But then her smile disappeared the moment the local band start to sing. It used to be her favorite song, the song that you always put on repeat, again, and again until one day you hate it because something made you hate it. Just like home.
Home? She thought to herself. Is the song that used to be your favorite, and you listen to it repeatedly, and then eventually get bored of it until one day you change to another song, but when you put your music on shuffle, and every time that song plays again, you skip it, but you can never bare to delete it, is like home?
Maybe it is, she answered as she sips her coffee. She looks again at the window and realized the sun is going down. The city lights are on, and it makes this place look much more beautiful than she’s ever remembered the last time she's here.
The road is more crowded than ever, they are really excited to watch that little gig, and she doesn't blame them to sing that song. She drinks, and she does, and she hears things that she hates and yet, she doesn't complain. She finished her coffee after being mesmerized by the change of this place and put a tip for the waitress before going out.
The last thing she hates is the crowd. She has a little bit of claustrophobia. But today, she doesn't feel like it. It's like she has to go to the middle of the road, bonding with people, and watch that little gig.
And once again, she smiles. She smiles so wide that it makes people who see it will think that she was crazy. But no, she smiles because she realized that maybe.. maybe she has changed too. And although she does everything she hates, At least I am home. She thought to herself.
Yes, she's finally coming home.
–written by Z.
————
For my bestie, my sister from another mother, my partner in crime! Your early birthday present. I'm sorry for what I did yesterday. Please don't be mad at me anymore :( love you, G!
Kamu itu berharga. Dia yang meninggalkanmu sangat tidak pantas menerima kesedihanmu. Ikhlaslah, ini akan melatihmu menerima kekecewaan. Kamu tentu sadar, tidak semua hal yang kamu inginkan akan terwujud, kan?
written by Z.
Kopi itu pahit, namun rasanya menyenangkan. Kamu itu manis, namun sayangnya mengecewakan.
Kopi lebih baik darimu, tentu saja.
–written by Z.