what is it about the character subgenre of semi-queer little jewish men in business with drug problems and an endless supply of cunt to serve that attracts me so much?
A Pam Beesly/Ryan Howard micro-fic but it's only the dialogue.
@ryanhowardcore got in my head. So here you go. Now scoot.
WEDNESDAY, SCRANTON BUSINESS PARK CAR LOT, 5:09 PM
“Pam. Did you get to those copies? I forgot to check with you before we left.”
“No.”
“Seriously? I need those, like, tomorrow morning.”
“I have my own work to do, too, Ryan.”
“Other than answering the phone?”
“Yes, Ryan.”
“Why do you always do that?”
“Do what?”
“Say peoples’ names. It's so condescending.”
“I don't know…Ryan.”
“Man, someone really needs to humble you.”
“Yeah? Not the other way around? You sure about that, Ryan?”
“Pam, I swear to God-”
“What? What are you going to do? Say something kinda mean?”
“No, but I'll shut you up.”
“Ha! Really? Okay, try. Try tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after. I've heard your entire inventory of high school bully insults, Ryan. I'm not phased. Can you jus-”
*
“Told you I could shut you up.”
“What- what the hell was that?”
“Me, shutting you up.”
“What? No, you can't just-”
“Don't make me do it again.”
THURSDAY, DUNDER-MIFFLIN OFFICE, 11:23 AM
“God damn, you're thick.”
“Do you ever think before you speak?”
“Oh, I thought long and hard about that one, sweetie. That skirt does wonders for your ass.”
“Shove it, Ryan.”
“In you?”
“What the fuck did you just say?”
“You heard me.”
“You are absolutely disgusting!”
“You ate a cheese puff out of my hair.”
“What does that have to do with literally anything right now, Ryan?”
“You clearly don't think I'm disgusting.”
“You're behavior is disgusting.”
“You like it.”
“WHAT?”
“You always play into it! You could have dropped this by now!”
“Wh- I can't- I swear to God, Ryan, you're like a toddler! I can't just have a normal conversation with you. Ever.”
“You want a normal conversation?”
“I don't want to talk to you at ALL.”
“Yet you keep doing it. What is it, Pam? Why don't you just ignore me? Like you do with everyone else when they get on your nerves?”
“Because you make it impossible to ignore you!”
“If you just didn't respond, maybe I'd stop talking.”
“Maybe I want you to slip.”
“On the ground?”
“No, you idiot, slip UP. Confess!”
“Confess what?”
“Say you like me!”
“Pff…yeah, right.”
“YEAH, right! Stop being insufferable, for one fucking second, Ryan. Stop being so afraid, and ask me out! Because maybe I-...maybe I'd say yes.”
The Office lgbtq+ hcs (also posted on twitter but formatting will be different here lol)
Michael Scott
- cis, I don't think I could see him as anything else I fear
- he/him, but if he was asked he'd be very confused and would just be like "pronouns [pronounce] what?"
- bi, he never officially labels himself as that but we know damn well it's practically canon
- he is peak autism and I love him for it
- Ryan was his bi awakening for obvious reasons
- I think he's kissed dwight before but refuses to talk about it
- Definitely had a crush on david at some point
- I don't know if he necessarily had a crush on Todd but he influences a huge part of who michael is, he definitely likes him as more than a friend (not that michael will ever admit that)
- I was talking with a friend about if Dwight/Ryan were dating and just the dynamic of that and how michael would react
"You two shouldn't be together!!" He goes on this whole rant and tries to rally the office to his cause (which they don't) and he gets like so close to figuring out that he likes Ryan before he just let's it go
Not really relevant to headcanons just wanted to air that out lol
Jim Halpert
LOOK HOW PRETTY HE IS THERE
Anyway
- cis, honestly my gender hc for him switches a lot sometimes he's transmasc sometimes he's just cis whatever I feel fits in the moment tbh
- he/they, if someone asked him for his pronouns he'd probably only say he/him but I don't think he'd mind they/them too but again this changes for me too
- bi, in my brain it works
Also someone on twitter made a really strong case and they were talking about how ooc the thing Jim was keeping from Pam could've been him coming out as bi which I think would be a really cute concept
- I think Kelly helped him figure out he was bi as they are besties (I will make them besties trust)
- he has some freaky frenemies with benefits thing going on with dwight (with the consent of Pam ofc)
With that I'd say he's also ambiamorous he doesn't label himself as that but that's how I'd describe it
- he kissed ryan at a christmas party once
Kevin Malone
- cis, honestly can be pretty flexible with this I think it's fun to play around with transfem Kevin but not that realistic in canon
- I don't think he'd care much for pronouns but I personally really like he/she Kevin I think someone would accidentally use she/her on him and she'd just go to Oscar like "wait you can use she/her without being a girl??" And that is his gender awakening basically
Oh also I think Kelly introduces to him to neos and he ends up liking cloud/clouds
- straight (/lesbian if transfem) I don't know I can't see him liking men
- maybe has adhd??
- Angela and Oscar are the first people he goes to for everything (they ARE found family)
Ryan Howard
- you could hc him as any gender and I'd say yes but I'll just say transmasc, though I usually like genderfluid and nonbinary to describe him as well
- he/they/xe, kelly introduced him to neopronouns obviously my chronically online queer queen
- gay??? ace too?? Idrk he's super in the closet though
- he has kissed michael before and freaked out bc he didn't hate it
- Definitely had something romantic with Gabe
Pam Beesly-Halpert
- cis, I'm not super solid on this though
- she/they, I think she'd make an extra effort as office administrator to make people wear pronoun pins and/or pronouns on their nametags so that they could be normalized in the workplace. Also in general I think she realizes there are a good amount of people who don't just use she/her and he/him so she wanted to be more inclusive. She is the hugest ally in the office.
- sapphic, kelly helped pam discover the term sapphic but she definitely had her awakening with Katy/Karen
Like she knows she definitely likes Jim but then she spends time with his partners and she's just like "wait am I jealous of her or jim?"
- while jim/dwight are fucking Pam and Angela also have a similar frenemies with benefits situation
With the consent of Jim obviously
(She is ambiamorous and labels herself as such)
- she's also autistic bc yes
Dwight Schrute
- transmasc and agender. I don't think he fully identifies as agender he simply just could care less about it's gender.
When explaining that to kelly (bc yes she is who everyone goes to when they're questioning their identity bc they've tried to talk to toby but he was so useless he basically defers everyone to kelly (also oscar will not answer those questions bc he can't be bothered)) she basically is like "so you're agender?" and it's just like "no I'm trying to tell you I have no gender!" "Dwight no-"
- it/he in professional settings it only uses he/him but like pam, angela, and Jim know he uses it/it's
Eventually everyone else figures out and they're just like "I've been using it/it's on him for years!"
- demiro; I think he very clearly falls for someone sexually very fast and will be like lowkey obsessed but it takes him awhile to actually fall for people romantically. I also sometimes hc him as nebularomantic since he is technically supposed to be autistic?? At least I hc it as autistic-
- pan, just makes sense to me 🤷
- polyamorous, as he's dating Angela he is also sleeping with Jim (with Angela's consent obvs)
Andy Bernard
- cis, I can't really imagine him as anything else sorry
- he/him and he's also a pretty big trans ally and he takes pronouns very seriously. He went to Cornell so he knows his english or whatever. He Will call people out when they hate on pronouns and use "I/We/Me" in the post.
- realistically? Bicurious
In my headcanon? Gay but so so deep in closet (it is glass though) due to his upbringing he has unfortunately repressed it just so much.
- had crushes on Oscar, Darryl, and Jim at some point, he would never admit these were crushes though.
- oh he's also autistic
Kelly Kapoor
- cis, though sometimes I transfem her
- she/her
- realistically bi but in my heart of hearts she's a lesbian with comphet
- she's dating Erin
- she's autistic with a special interest in fashion and celebrities
Oscar Martinez
- cis, not a hater of trans Oscar but I fear I can't see him as anything other than cis 🥲
- he/him, he also would get into arguments over pronouns and he would own the average transphobe by saying "actually-"
- gay (canon)
- autistic in my heart of hearts
- he refuses to catch feelings out of fear of rejection
Sigh gay men 😔
- bc of this Andy has to be the one to confess first which is hard for both of them
(Would also love to add hear I do like the idea of Darryl and Oscar as well)
It's one of those classic moments where you only see Kelly and Ryan. Ryan's wearing a robe and Kelly's putting on his eyeliner and she's looking at the camera and she's like, You know, when you love a guy and he's giving you mixed signals, but, you know, he really likes you and you're sleeping with him. And Ryan goes more eyeliner. And then Kelly goes, I'll never tell you who the song's about. This is a secret that I will take to my grave. And Ryan goes, It's about me. And Kelly goes, It is, but I'll never say. And then we reveal. Oscar has been sitting there the whole time just trying to eat a sandwich. And he says, Do you guys need to do this here? This is a public area. And Kelly's like, It's our office, too, Oscar. And then lady, I just love this. She says to Ryan, I think it's too much rouge. And he goes, No, it's not going to read on camera. And she's like, How do you know what's going to read on camera? And he goes, I lived in New York for 11 months. Living in New York for 11 months. Tells you everything. -Angela
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