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[365daysfromtoday]

26.05.20

I burden myself with thoughts of you, and these thoughts are causing me distress.

I try to block you out, but it becomes impossible when you unexpectedly creep into my head.

I wish to set my mind free of you. I no longer desire to serve this lengthy sentence of loneliness and heartbreak.

I spent a decade of loving and proving my love to you, and fear it will take a decade to completely detach myself from you.

I sigh with a heavy heart as I divert my attention elsewhere. It's not the love I lost I mourn for, it's the person I no longer recognise when I look in the mirror.

Love doesn't die, but your will to live does.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

18.05.20

My needs, my desires, my happiness played an inactive role in your life. I was never your priority, even though i prioritised you. Call me selfish but you never lived to my expectations.

Maybe you didn't know how to.

You loved yourself too much. There was no space for me. I was a simple mean to your needs and that's all I ever remained. My vision became clouded by the blinded love I felt for you. And I lost the feeling of what self worth meant.

My love for you remains but I no longer need you. I no longer crave for something that never existed. I no longer want to feed you my energy.

My love for you was unconditional. And my needs were simple and priceless. But my journey with you drained and suffocated me. And I lost myself along the way.

You tested my patience and my strength, and still my love remained.

It lives deep within my heart where you buried it with your own two hands.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

13.05.20

Do not come knocking on my door when your world crashes the way mine crashed without you. The shattered pieces of my soul have now scattered. Do not knock on my door as I may just allow you back in. But do not awaken my healed scars of ache. Do not allow me to relive the pain I grieved for you. Do not allow me to stroke the once fine lines of your structured face to find answers to unspoken questions. As those questions were answered in my mind, when nights were long and I only had myself to talk to. Do not allow my buried cravings to reach the surface again. I no longer want to taste you. U forced me to swallow the bitter truth when I refused to believe you no longer loved me.

Do not knock on my door. I no longer exist.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

11.05.20

Every passing day brings new challenges.

Varied emotions and sudden fears capture my attention.

I feel trapped within my own thoughts, and overwhelmed by their presence.

My heart feels as if it's competing in a race. My breathing becomes erratic.

No corner of my shattered soul remains intact. I drag myself to an empty room to control my muted screams.

Deep breaths, dark room..... silence

There's no medicine, no remedy and no cure for a broken heart.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

05.05.20

How you confused my acts of love for stubbornness?

I couldn't let you go.

I craved for you, for your love, for your touch one last time...and for it to never end.

I'm not stubborn.

I'm simply struggling to let you go.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

09.05.20

Your absence haunts me. Your cold, heartless words echo through my mind. Your taunts and begrudges outweigh the limitless love I surrendered myself into. My love for you overflowed the deepest of oceans, yet now it mounts to nothing. You made me feel worthless, but the bitter truth exposes you were never worthy of my love. I loved, and then I loved more. I loved deep but lost myself along the way. Today I search for myself. I no longer compel the warmth of your icy touch. A tiny part of me detaches myself from you and I no longer feel lost in an empty room. I'm on the path of redeeming my self-worth. How long it will last, only time will tell but right now allow me to feel me again.

I will learn to love myself again.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

03.05.20

I became strong. Only for a while. I had lifted myself unknowingly. But today the energy I had held onto, released itself from beneath me and the cracks of my broken heart revealed itself again. I pined for you again and my body ached itself to sleep. I reached out to something in the dark, but in return i was handed nothing but emptiness. My tears fall, my eyes swell, my heart aches and my head hurts.

I want to feel strong again.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

24.04.20

Feeling a sense of loneliness today. I often collect my thoughts whilst lying in bed. Gazing into my world of nowhere. Wondering where you may be. Wondering who with. Wondering where your thoughts are and if you ever catch yourself wondering about me. This world of nowhere, that i find myself trapped in, has so many wonders but no outcomes. I shall keep on wondering until i can wonder no more. I shall keep on wondering until my world of nowhere takes me somewhere. I shall keep on wondering until my mind frees itself from thoughts of you.

Feeling lonely, wondering.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

23.04.20

Millions of miles i travelled for you, my love.

Not a single step of regret, my love.

It still wasn't enough, my love.

And today I walk alone, my love.

How easy it is for you to forget the struggles I overcame. All the sacrifices I made. All of it for you, my love. For what was once my strength has now become my weakness. For what was once my happiness has now become a painful memory.

Memories of you, my love.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

21.04.20

Up until now I've always held onto not letting you go. I held onto memories and found reasons within these keepsakes to continue fighting for you, for us. Today I want to let you go. I want to free my crowded mind, my deep thoughts and my heavy heart of you.

With what and how I will fill these void spaces, I am yet to learn but for now I am letting you go.

Letting go is hard.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

20.04.20

Have I even accepted it is over or am in a big bubble of denial? Am I clutching at straws or is there life left in my efforts? So many questions, so much confusion but no answers. My emotions are spiralling, my energy is lacking, but my mind feels crowded.

I want to empty this mind of any thoughts of you. This feeling of numbness aches me. Why suffocate me with your silence. All I ever did is love you.

Allow me to breathe again.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

18.04.20

My emotions are sucking the strength out of me. At times, I feel in control. But what does it mean to feel in control? Feeling bitter, angry and resentful? Or anxious, low and lonely? At times I tell myself he didn't deserve me. I deserve better. I was too good for him. But then my heart drags me back to my carved memories of what could have been. My dreams - shattered...

My emotions are in a turmoil.

I feel angry and low.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

16.04.20

I'm really struggling and finding it hard to cope or find a coping mechanism to help me through this. I want to ask you how you do it. I don't know what's harder to accept. You leaving me or you telling me the last 10 years was a complete lie. Every shared moment with u seems like a dream now. Was any of it based on real feelings? How have u erased me from your memory when I have etched you into mine. I crave to talk to you, hear your voice but you can't even stand the sight of me. I'm hurting and I want you to show me how to cope. When u talk to the kids, I linger about in the hope that I will be acknowledged. What a fool I am! I don't want the contact between you and them to stop but this short existence is killing me softly and drags me to my weakest.

I'm struggling to cope.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

16.04.20

I find it hard not being able to talk to you. No, let me rephrase that. I struggle with your rejection. Communication was always against us. It failed us in many ways. Now you simply don't allow me to speak. To voice my concerns. To convince you we're good together. To make you realise we can actually make this work.

But you've shut the door on me completely.

I come to your door. Open my mouth but instantly know my words will only fall on deaf ears. So I turn around again and swallow my words with a heavy heart.

But I shall visit that door again.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

15.04.20

It's that sunken moment again. Where all my feelings evolve into tears. At a certain point of the day he calls... for the kids.

He calls. He ignores. He goes.

I will win you back.

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

12.04.20

It's not easy. Some days are harder than most. Nights are harder. Sleepless nights are the norm. Today I felt strong. Well stronger than yesterday. I've found comfort in reading. But now I feel weak and hold back tears. All the strength I built has dragged me back to the beginning. Right back to where I started.

Let's start again...

u.s.

[365daysfromtoday]

11.04.20

One day maybe one day I shall share my story with you but let today be the day I start my journey of finding myself again. Of redeeming my self-worth. I would like to look back in one years time to see how far I have got or if my life is still at a stand still.

This is me.

Me at my worst.

u.s.