ena

ena/erin | I’m autistic and I draw and write

[404erin]

HONNE TO TATEMAE

This “okay-ish” me, stitched up to breathe

I’m scattered, I’m tattered threads

“I” am in between

In “truthful-ish,” I stare mechanically

A hollow clockwork heart

Watch it fake a pace

I’m already a prisoner in this infinite maze

I can’t find myself in any of these rooms

Call me a dozen names, I’ll answer anyway

Which voice was mine this morning, I can’t tell

Aiming for a person I won’t despise

But every mask I wear just multiplies

Perpetual hesitation

And a “self” I can’t define or locate

Barricaded by polite conversation

While something inside me corrodes my name

When I wake, I hesitate-

(Every day is the worst of)

I die

(My life.)

Hello, you

The mask I can’t remove

I don’t wanna play along

If this is “being real,” then something here is deeply wrong

Say my name

Which one am I today?

We call it “love” and “hate,” but I just throw them both away with

Nothing in between

Yet I want to be awake

Skull’s rattling in my head

The war in my head never ends

Just wanted to be someone steady

But every moment’s temporary I’m

Consumed

Wrong method of self-improvement

Sorry never goes as planned, I bruise

Everyone that tries to hold me

Would you love me if I changed?

Hugged you tighter when you cried?

How stupid is this,

Rehearsing empathy I can’t find?

Paralyzed, my hands still don’t reach the doorknob

I tidy myself into “okay-ish”

Until it hollows me out

I’m alright, just so exhausted

Why cant, why cant, you understand?

Nothing makes sense to me

I DONT KNOW ANYTHING!

My numb and withered heart still tries

To echo something true inside

But every time I reach for help

I become someone else

I’m sick of this bullshit!!

Hello, you

The mask I can’t remove

I don’t wanna play along

If this is “being real,” then something here is deeply wrong

Say my name

Such a heavy empty every day

Maybe if I tear myself apart again, I’ll

Find something to keep me real and

Maybe there’s a loving for me

I die

THE RIVER OF LETHE 2/18

Every poem is up to interpretation regardless of the original meaning.

[404erin]

hey uh I have these two entire albums full of lyrical poems I wrote over the course of the last few months so um here is the first one I’ll post one per day

LETHE

I smile before I speak

I owe them all something first

Been saying sorry so long

And it slips out with my breath

How I made myself smaller

before I learned what getting better was

The room feels used already

‘Cause everyone else got the clean air first

There’s a river I dream of

It swallows the shape of your face

I step in, and it freezes over

It won’t take a single mistake

Baby, don’t set me free

Don’t erase what’s left of me

If I disappear, will I be clean

Or just a gap where I used to be?

Baby, don’t take it slow

I don’t trust what I don’t know

I don’t want mercy, I don’t want relief

Just a life that doesn’t remember me

Every mirror is a courtroom scene

And I’m condemned by what I could’ve been

I hate that I still exist

In the wreckage of my mistakes

I’m jealous of hands without history

No bite marks underneath their sleeves

Who can bare their throats in the daylight

And not be dragged home bleeding between its teeth

If I turned out cruel sometimes

I promise I don’t mean it

I was born knee-deep in glass

and told to walk through it

There’s a river I dream of

It swallows the shape of your face

I step in, and it freezes over

It won’t take a single mistake

Baby, don’t set me free

Don’t erase what’s left of me

If I disappear, will I be clean

Or just a gap where I used to be?

Baby, don’t take it slow

I don’t trust what I don’t know

I don’t want mercy, I don’t want relief

Just a life that doesn’t remember me

There’s a me that has never flinched

Never built a home out of every inch of a wound

He laughs without checking the room first

And doesn’t turn joy into something that hurts

I watch him like a stranger through a glass wall

Perfectly untouched by the way I fall

And I swear I don’t envy his peace

But I feel it rotting me underneath

Is it wrong to wish I were never like this

Or just proof I’m part of it?

Baby, don’t set me free

Don’t erase what’s left of me

If I disappear, will I be clean

Or just a gap where I used to be?

Baby, don’t take it slow

I don’t trust what I don’t know

I don’t want mercy, I don’t want relief

Just a life that doesn’t remember me

Drink me down, let me disappear

Let the river take what I can’t steer

I’m still standing, but I’m not here

I’m half a ghost of a better year

I hate the way I still survive

Like I stole someone else’s life

If I drown it out, will I be clean?

Or just forget what it means to be me?

If I tear it all down, brick by brick

Would the silence turn real or just flick

I don’t want mercy, don’t want relief

Just something that ends this loop of grief

THE RIVER OF LETHE 1/18

LETHE: About grieving the person you could’ve been if it weren’t for trauma. Being a horrible person and healing, but being stuck on the feeling that you’ll never truly heal, that you can never get rid of your past. Being jealous of healthy relationships and victims who have done no wrong through themes of grief, dissociation, and ptsd.

Every poem is up to interpretation regardless of the original meaning. I’d love to hear other’s interpretations.

[ritasanderson]

have you ever played any of the outlast games???

only the first one and it's dlc Gluskin is still one my faves ever

[404erin]

oh coyle the stupid stupid thing you are (I want to squeeze him until he bursts)

[404erin]

i wants cocaine!!!1!1!1! I love you goosey goose

[404erin]

guy and his boyfriend

[404erin]

really gross how DE is implying a teacher x student trope with Vena and Orion when that trope is rooted in grooming

this isn’t the first time they’re done something weird with relationships when they made cheating jokes with the devils triad when people wanted it to be more like polyamory (and the characters LITERALLY gave us consent)

[ritasanderson]

but will devil warframe make a slutty priest harrow pregnant or no

[404erin]

Hopefully

[404erin]

uuuufufgfhfjhf here’s my drifter im gonna go lay down now

[404erin]

More boys kissing because I do what I want

[404erin]

And they were both boys

[404erin]

uh

[404erin]

boys am I right

[404erin]

THAT SHOULD BE ME!!! IT SHOULD BE ME IN THE MIDDLE!!

[404erin]

he’s finally finished oml

[ritasanderson]

sorry guys but if you call Flare "he" while reblogging my posts I'm not reading whatever you have to say after that

[404erin]

Just boy things

[404erin]

kibby