Maybe some of you can relate!
5-6 years' old - first memories of feedist feelings: stuffing a pillow under my shirt, drawing a thin character and then erasing and drawing over them to make them fat (pretty much a wg sequence); at this point, I have no idea what sex or sexuality is, but I am already curious about becoming fat.
7-12 years' old - continuous feelings around being fat; unfortunately, as a result of being brought up in a very shame-oriented environment (and surrounded by diet culture of the early 2000s), I already perceive my feelings as something shameful. Any time a character in a book is described as having gained weight, I would re-read the passage to death. I remember some obscure YA book with a body swap and time travel, where a character moved back in time and swapped bodies with a girl who was considered very pretty for her era. The girl was very chubby and had a double chin. I re-read the passages describing that around 20 times.
11/12 years' old - I get chubby, and I'm extremely conflicted. I love how I look (this was also pre-puberty, so pre-dysphoria); everyone else hates how I look and bully me. I pretend to participate in the weight loss race among my peers (early 2000s were wild y'all), but am secretly thrilled to be "overweight" for my height.
13 years' old and adolescence - I "grow out" of being chubby, I bury my kink deep, deep down. I don't really know what a kink is, but I already suspect that I have something of the sort. I'm terrified of it, terrified of being "perverted"; gender dysphoria comes in, I try to reframe it as "not liking that I'm too fat" (at the time, I'm not)
Fast forward to early 20s, I'm in a miserable place in life, I don't eat enough and well (stress and economy reasons), I am actually underweight, I feel terrible, and people compliment me for "looking great". I hate everything and everyone.
22/23 - I gain a little weight and yet again, it thrills me. I'm terrified of people's reaction, though (I'm in a very toxic relationship); I try to reframe my kink as "accepting the inevitable" (I know my genetics)
2020, my mid-twenties - I come to terms with other parts of my identity and sexuality, I start working towards leaving the toxic situation I'm in. I happen to spend 2 weeks of the crazy 2020 alone in isolation, and that's when I read this article. And something explodes in me. I realize: I want to be fat. But I'm still terrified. I decide to eat a bit more and engage in fantasies. "Eating more" at the time really means that I finally eat enough. I mostly gain muscle, but also a little fat. I actually feel better physically.
2021 - I engage in fantasies more and more, I decide to just stop watching what I eat and enjoy the ride. I still experience bouts of shame and uncertainty from time to time, and when I'm stressed by life, I still tend to lose appetite. But my body is very tired of years of shame and deprivation; I get overweight in no time. I get hooked on the heady feeling of embarrassment that comes with buying larger clothes.
early 2023 - I get on T and the T hunger starts for real. Horniness, too. I engage with feedist content practically every day. Seeing how easy it is to gain weight now helps me lose the rest of the inhibitions, and gaining weight and seeing milestones is addictive. I find myself wanting things I used to be scared of. Finally, I start this blog. By 2024, I am "obese".
And here I am now. I want more. I'm going slow, I don't push myself. I am intent on caring for the body I used to hate. I am intent on letting go the rest of shame.
