she, sought death, on a queen sized bed.

hachi she/her 23 bi https://www.tumblr.com/dazishachii?source=share

[7hachihcah]

Amate

~Something bad is 'bout to happen to me~

I sipped my drink lightly. The purple blue glow, the filtered lights, blurring people out at a distance. I was in the VIP section, thanks to my best friend, or else how else would have I survived the loud bass, the beer breath and ugh... the weird cologne. The soundproof walls drowned out the outside music, so atleast I didn't have to yell at top of my lungs to talk to someone right next to me.

~Might be so sad, might leave my nose running~

I looked at her, subtly. She was in all black, her usual, but she was so stunning all the time. Only she can rock all black on a daily basis. Her hair was back long again. Long sleeved bodysuit paired with jeans. I looked away. She's fine as fuck. My eyes darted between my white satin dress and her outfit. Polar opposites. I sipped my drink again. She's my best friend but still is someone who can easily intimidate me. Or anyone else.

~I just hope she don't wanna leave me~

Things have been tough lately. For both of us. None of us have spoken a single word since the drinks came out. We share silence too well sometimes. Unlike me she's chugging her drinks. And is still not drunk. However, she's too quiet and that's making me worried. Uneasy. Scary.

"So, do you like it?" her calm, deep voice broke through my thoughts. My mind went blank as I looked at her. "Of course, you do. Nobody to nag you anymore hm?" she answered her own question, pouring herself another one. ''Yeah, let's just say I'm still getting used to feeling free without it being snatched from me again." backed up my statement with a smile. There goes another bottle.

"You better do" I nodded.

"Don't drink too much." She chuckled. "You know I won't listen to you. Besides unlike someone, I have a very high tolerance." she looked at my single glass.

She was right.

~  I belong, with you, and only you~

"Wanna try hitting on someone tonight?" she smirked and took a sip. She sat at the darker corner of the room. The part of the couch which was a blind spot for the lights. Just a little streak here and there, but she almost camouflaged in the dark, unlike me who sat at the light. "VIP isn't that bad."

This girl. She was purposefully doing this. I looked at her, feeling my cheeks burn. "I'm not interested. So stop teasing me."

Her gaze fixed on me. "One day you'll have to be, eventually. You can't stay like this your whole life."

"I'm okay as long as you stay with me." I persuaded. She scoffed. " I'll marry a man and so will you. Understand?" I looked away, my jaw clenching a little. What's so good about men anyways these days...they're all, trashy.

But the truth is. Ugh I can't compete her man, because he isn't trashy. UGHHHH ARGHHH It's frustrating. She thinks I'm joking about it.

~Something bad is 'bout to happen to me~

A man hm? Sounds exhausting. I glanced at her again. She's pretty unpredictable these days, and today, I can't help but feel...a tension, that's scary. Not hot but scary, and dark. There's a dread settling in my chest and my hands were beginning to sweat. A lot. I shifted in my seat and looked around. Also took a bigger sip of my drink. Someone, something is...

"You like me that much?" my breath hitched. That was out of the blue. She looked at me. Intensely. It wasn't out of curiosity. It was something else. Something I wasn't...familiar with.

"Yeah-"

~Why I feel this way? I don't know, maybe~

Cat like eyes. Green. In front of me. Who the fuck? Since when was he sitting there? His eyes zeroed in my direction, sipping his drink. Like my best friend, he sat in the shadows too. Opposite of our table. A chill ran down my spine. I didn't see him at all this time. It was hard to figure out what he looked like but from the little lights that fell, a sharp jaw and big frame. If she was a man, she would have looked like him...

My head snapped in her direction. Oh no how could I get distracted while talking to her.

~I think of her so much, it drives me crazy~

"what...?" my voice was low as a whisper. Why was she staring at me like that? My braids suddenly felt like they were pulling on my scalp too much, making my head hurt. Silence clouded between us. Her siren eyes, her gaze, was too strong and intense. My cheeks burned, and I didn't know what to say. On the other hand, that man was burning holes in my direction. A common thing about their gazes? It was intense but not seductive. It was dangerous. Wynorrific.

I took deep breaths, trying not to suffocate, but felt impossible to do so. The music was drowned out to the point I couldn't hear. The aura was not only clashing, but also merging. Hard to explain because it could only be felt. I crossed my legs away from her direction. Keep calm. They're just looking. Act normal. I tried to force a smile on my face, but a single eye contact and the idea was out of the window. I should atleast get rid of the guy then.

I looked at his direction and the idea was six feet under, immediately.

I need to get away...from here. "Hey you know, I think the table in opposite of us.."

No use. My own words were scared to leave my throat. Her eyes were darker, looking at me and only me. I couldn't read them, couldn't tell what it was, except it was terrifying. Panic was beginning to creep in. So was curiosity. It will get me fucked up I know.

~I just don't want her to leave me ~

"Are you scared?" dual voices, that sounded similar, deep, like a hum. I gulped. The fabric of my dress crumpled in my fist. What was I supposed to answer? Who was I scared of? him? or her? I shuddered. This feeling. The feeling of being cornered. By something dangerous. The feeling of being under watch. The feeling of being scrutinized by pulling all the layers off me one by one...

~And I just let bad thoughts, linger for far too long~

I know this feeling very well.

[7hachihcah]

Amate

~Something bad is 'bout to happen to me~

I sipped my drink lightly. The purple blue glow, the filtered lights, blurring people out at a distance. I was in the VIP section, thanks to my best friend, or else how else would have I survived the loud bass, the beer breath and ugh... the weird cologne. The soundproof walls drowned out the outside music, so atleast I didn't have to yell at top of my lungs to talk to someone right next to me.

~Might be so sad, might leave my nose running~

I looked at her, subtly. She was in all black, her usual, but she was so stunning all the time. Only she can rock all black on a daily basis. Her hair was back long again. Long sleeved bodysuit paired with jeans. I looked away. She's fine as fuck. My eyes darted between my white satin dress and her outfit. Polar opposites. I sipped my drink again. She's my best friend but still is someone who can easily intimidate me. Or anyone else.

~I just hope she don't wanna leave me~

Things have been tough lately. For both of us. None of us have spoken a single word since the drinks came out. We share silence too well sometimes. Unlike me she's chugging her drinks. And is still not drunk. However, she's too quiet and that's making me worried. Uneasy. Scary.

"So, do you like it?" her calm, deep voice broke through my thoughts. My mind went blank as I looked at her. "Of course, you do. Nobody to nag you anymore hm?" she answered her own question, pouring herself another one. ''Yeah, let's just say I'm still getting used to feeling free without it being snatched from me again." backed up my statement with a smile. There goes another bottle.

"You better do" I nodded.

"Don't drink too much." She chuckled. "You know I won't listen to you. Besides unlike someone, I have a very high tolerance." she looked at my single glass.

She was right.

~  I belong, with you, and only you~

"Wanna try hitting on someone tonight?" she smirked and took a sip. She sat at the darker corner of the room. The part of the couch which was a blind spot for the lights. Just a little streak here and there, but she almost camouflaged in the dark, unlike me who sat at the light. "VIP isn't that bad."

This girl. She was purposefully doing this. I looked at her, feeling my cheeks burn. "I'm not interested. So stop teasing me."

Her gaze fixed on me. "One day you'll have to be, eventually. You can't stay like this your whole life."

"I'm okay as long as you stay with me." I persuaded. She scoffed. " I'll marry a man and so will you. Understand?" I looked away, my jaw clenching a little. What's so good about men anyways these days...they're all, trashy.

But the truth is. Ugh I can't compete her man, because he isn't trashy. UGHHHH ARGHHH It's frustrating. She thinks I'm joking about it.

~Something bad is 'bout to happen to me~

A man hm? Sounds exhausting. I glanced at her again. She's pretty unpredictable these days, and today, I can't help but feel...a tension, that's scary. Not hot but scary, and dark. There's a dread settling in my chest and my hands were beginning to sweat. A lot. I shifted in my seat and looked around. Also took a bigger sip of my drink. Someone, something is...

"You like me that much?" my breath hitched. That was out of the blue. She looked at me. Intensely. It wasn't out of curiosity. It was something else. Something I wasn't...familiar with.

"Yeah-"

~Why I feel this way? I don't know, maybe~

Cat like eyes. Green. In front of me. Who the fuck? Since when was he sitting there? His eyes zeroed in my direction, sipping his drink. Like my best friend, he sat in the shadows too. Opposite of our table. A chill ran down my spine. I didn't see him at all this time. It was hard to figure out what he looked like but from the little lights that fell, a sharp jaw and big frame. If she was a man, she would have looked like him...

My head snapped in her direction. Oh no how could I get distracted while talking to her.

~I think of her so much, it drives me crazy~

"what...?" my voice was low as a whisper. Why was she staring at me like that? My braids suddenly felt like they were pulling on my scalp too much, making my head hurt. Silence clouded between us. Her siren eyes, her gaze, was too strong and intense. My cheeks burned, and I didn't know what to say. On the other hand, that man was burning holes in my direction. A common thing about their gazes? It was intense but not seductive. It was dangerous. Wynorrific.

I took deep breaths, trying not to suffocate, but felt impossible to do so. The music was drowned out to the point I couldn't hear. The aura was not only clashing, but also merging. Hard to explain because it could only be felt. I crossed my legs away from her direction. Keep calm. They're just looking. Act normal. I tried to force a smile on my face, but a single eye contact and the idea was out of the window. I should atleast get rid of the guy then.

I looked at his direction and the idea was six feet under, immediately.

I need to get away...from here. "Hey you know, I think the table in opposite of us.."

No use. My own words were scared to leave my throat. Her eyes were darker, looking at me and only me. I couldn't read them, couldn't tell what it was, except it was terrifying. Panic was beginning to creep in. So was curiosity. It will get me fucked up I know.

~I just don't want her to leave me ~

"Are you scared?" dual voices, that sounded similar, deep, like a hum. I gulped. The fabric of my dress crumpled in my fist. What was I supposed to answer? Who was I scared of? him? or her? I shuddered. This feeling. The feeling of being cornered. By something dangerous. The feeling of being under watch. The feeling of being scrutinized by pulling all the layers off me one by one...

~And I just let bad thoughts, linger for far too long~

I know this feeling very well.

[7hachihcah]

Never write about someone unless you wish to immortalize them.

[dryseko]

[heylsgowt]

[academic-vampire]

… 𝔟𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔪𝔞𝔶 𝔣𝔩𝔬𝔴𝔢𝔯𝔰

[7hachihcah]

When your mother is so toxic that when she visits, you almost vomit from anxiety.

[7hachihcah]

Something about Yatora from Blue Period tugs at me.

[7hachihcah]

March and April, always brings a longing for search. For isolation. For dreaming.

[1000kissestoyou]

love frank

[7hachihcah]

The loneliness that plagued me back home, still plagues me and tightens it's grip on me and I wonder, if I'm ever supposed to get rid of it. What if, it's roots are already fused with my bones?

What if it's not a fleeting moment.... but something I'm born with.

[7hachihcah]

Somehow I'm always ready to leave.

[hwhwgwhnwnwbwbwg-deactivated202]

-Yiwei Chai, the jacaranda years

[7hachihcah]

It hit her chest like a cruel fist, and her legs gave way beneath her. She crawled across the floor, sobs tearing out of her, whispering get up to a body that refused to rise.

[7hachihcah]

That moment when the future finally looks bright. And it's full of happiness. And you're smiling, and you feel guilty, guilty of having a life of joy when you know in the back of your mind that someone is probably struggling.

[moonkissedletters]

But you MUST break this fixation on love as the cure to all of your ills. If you found love right now, you would run it straight into the ground in seconds.

In the long run, you will find love. Right now...you need to sign up for art classes, dance classes, yoga, or cooking classes-or all of the above.

You need to be active and be around people, all kinds of different people, young and old. You need to practice accepting yourself, with all of your quirks, in the company of other human beings. You need to be open to the world around you.

You need to move through the world by listening to other people, without trying to prove that you're good enough for them. Just exist and be your shy self.

Have lunch, have coffee, and continue to work hard on the things that won't dry up and blow away:

Your health, your career, your little art projects or poems or essays, your odd new half-interests, the complicated folds of your sensitivity and your darkness, and your belief in a world that wants you to be happy.

from Heather Havrilesky's response to an Ask Polly letter, published in The Awl

[7hachihcah]

Everytime the frustration dissipates, obsession surfaces, along with deep yearn for something raw, feral and possesive. It wants to consume. It won't stop until it consumes. Until the skins are upturned and blood flows, until the nail marks are imprinted like holy scriptures, until I feel the tender heart beating against mine, until my soul knows only one rhythm, until I completely consume, or let myself get consumed.

Just holding her close isn't enough, I want to merge completely, until we imprint on each other. I want to rip my flesh and offer it to her. I want to sink my teeth in her skin so deep, that I feel her pulse beat against mine, then I want to run my tongue so tenderly, that it sends a shiver. I want to look at her like she's my lifeline and worship her body with my lips, and remember her outline with my fingertips.

While all the time, she hears whispers from my lips that say— mine, mine, mine, mine.