Hello this is cause of your last vent post on here it just made me think... (please feel free to ignore this if it feels intrusive or sth)
Like when I was suicidal because Reasons (I felt I couldn't change anything about my pain (social isolation cause of being very nd, feeling very wrong in my body and ugly and just not right, feeling fucking useless in this world and like everything was fucked anyways and what could I do about it)) I died inside, and that made me feel. nothing. Classic. So no good things, no bad things. Just the routines of life kept me functioning.
Then. On a whim i decided to mess with this state of non-being/paralysis; so that made a highly masking anxious me become very spiteful and like bold very in your face to people because I couldn't care less and wanted to see if there was anything left I could get out of this shit show, like for entertainment if there's nothing else. Which meant Omg yay, I couldn't be bothered anymore if people thought I was a pitiable recluse infant that knows a lot about some things but like nothing about other Things, not noticed, and who you could like commiserate at most ig. Anyways. Amazing. Cool. That stuff didn't reach me anymore because nothing reached me. But. I did remember curiosity and liking things and making art with a soul. None of which I felt I had at the moment. And I wanted these things back and why not, let's try.
So then I went off and did my thing, made my art, really looked at things again, read more. Like the typical ~awareness~ things. Other people had no place in my life, but that left space for plenty of other things there. And it did begin to get better. It helped that highschool was over and I had more agency over my life then. Also, Tumblr helped, YT helped. I don't know if this helps you at all, what your life looks like atm, I'm obv not saying mine are your exact experiences or anything, I just wanted to let you know that your post resonated with me, and that I know there is a reality for you filled with joy and feeling like Your. Self. You've heard that before ofc, but I wanted to do this because I care about you. So yeah, May the horrors fucking disintegrate. There has been enough of them. Time for You.
PS I do want to see that self help book :]
oh my god thank you so much for the kind words anon
i really don’t know what to say except that i’m glad i’m not alone (no matter how much feeling like this sucks). and you’re right, there is a reality for me filled with joy, i just have to work for it. i was going through a rough patch while writing that post and i can’t say the situation has gotten better, but i feel better and i guess that’s the most important part. thank you, again, we will get through this :)
