A friend of mine told me to share my story to inspire other people. So Iām going to do that right now. Not for getting attention or idk. I just want people to know that it is possible to have hope, to stay strong. Even if youāve been through stuff. The reason why I share it now is because i dont give damn anymore. I dont care what others would think of me or if they will bully me. I just hope it will inspire someone.
First, i need to say that i cant say names, dates, places and stuff. For my own safety.
When I was 3 years old my mom and I fled from my dad. I havent seen or spoke him for 14 years now. My dad was an agressive man, he used drugs and hang out with the wrong kind of people. But the baddest part is, he beat, abused and raped my mom. I have heard stories about my mom being beaten up and locked in the closet while she was pregnant. He also almost killed her several times.
We went to a safehouse on the other side of the country. Me and my mom lived there for many years. And my mom made friends. Her best friendās son abused me. He was 13 and i was 4 i think. I didnāt know what was going on by then but I can still remember details and how it felt like, mentally and physically.. After a year or 2 our moms found out. I had to go to the therapist and stuff, fine. We moved to another city, it all went good over there. Had friends, school was fine, i had nothing to worry about.
But then, my mom got a boyfriend, we moved again. I would have my last year of primary school at another school. And it was horrible. I used to be fat you know. And i have never been bullied about it until i came at my new school. Luckily i would only have to be on that school for one year.
The bullying did not continue, but somehow, i hated my body so much that i got anorexic. I only ate breakfast if my mom was with me, i skipped lunch and i told my mom i ate at friends places so i hadnt had to eat. I almost died because of this. When i came out of the hospital, things were fine. I managed to get over my anorexia and i started to eat a little.
That same year was the first time I cut myself. I had a fight with my mom and my stephfather and ran upstars and started to hit my closet. A frame fell of and the glass broke. I carved āsterfā which means ādieā in my arm. It was like a message to my mom. Well, thats not the worst thing about it. But after like a month my mom found out she had brain cancer. I was so terrified. I thought she might die. And that it might be my fault because i wanted her to die that moment. I still cant live with myself for ever having said such a thing. Luckily she got cured. The tumor is still there, but theyāve found a way to controll it.
Because of these events and having problems at school and stuff i started to cut more often. My depressions became worse and worse and I have been cutting myself for like 5 times a week. And i was thinking about suicide a lot. I met this girl, she had the same problems as me so i finally had someone to talk to. We became best friends and we helped eachother out. Made deals about not cutting ourselves and stuff. But as one of us became worse, the other got worse as well. So we had to help eachother a lot.
Her boyfriend was also my best friend. I couldnt have wished for anyone better for sure. But after a rough fight which i cant talk about I ruined everything. I lost all of my best friends because of that. I felt lonely, the only person I had left was my girlfriend, who broke up with me a month after that. The things that happened after our break up where even worse. I cut my whole face open and strangled myself until I passed out. Hoped that i might die one day. But I failed, luckily. This went on for like three weeks. Then my therapists helped me out a little and i went on holiday so that worked out quiet well.
After my holiday I started with my antidepressiva and it went okay for a while. Had some new friends, whom i did not tell about anything of this because i was scared it would scare them off.
Well my fear was right because when i told one of them they all seemed to take distance from me.
I have been lonely for months again. The only one person i could actually care about, and who i did not kill myself for was my little baby sister. It went bad, worse, my mom found out she has breastcancer. Sheās on her chemo now. Sheās getting weaker, sicker, balder and i am afraid again.
But iāll stay strong, for her. I donāt want her to worry anymore than she should. I have someone to talk to now, she understands me, she takes care of me and I learn from her. I also havenāt hurt myself for three weeks now, therefore for like 2 months. So iām actually doing well, for the moment.
Thanks for reading this, it took a lot of me to share it with someone. I hope you want to share it, so i may give people hope one day. Because thats what i live for now, being there for someone, help people. Like my mom, my sister, you.
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