It's like I chose to burn everything down, and now I get to see what grows back

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

if i look back, i am lost

Kaledo Art
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@a--drift
It's like I chose to burn everything down, and now I get to see what grows back
I'm vibin
Haven't been writing much since the breakup. I had a bit of a panic attack on Monday, back at the apartment. I talked on the phone with Mom for awhile. She calmed me down and was clearly hoping for reconciliation between Chris and I. Then he came home and I cried to him. I'm really not sure what he's thinking. We will check in in a week or two. If he has hope, so do I. But we would need couples counseling. If he doesn't, that's okay too.
I have really been enjoying waking up by myself.
I think I'm gonna book a solo trip to Peru for early next year.
Official last sunset living on North St
This is a month and a half of hair growth!
I feel very loved right now. Several friends thinking of me and checking in ❤️
Weekend 1 of 2 that I spent moving out, Chris was camping. So I had the place to myself for packing, which is for the best. And every evening, I went for a sunset walk around the east end, with a packed bowl. It was incredible. I cried, and I skipped, and I experienced such calmness and confidence.
Just got it in my head that I wanna do some sort of epic solo travel in the next two years. Like maybe Peru.
Begging the universe to take care of Chris. He has the ability to really thrive during this time, but he needs to be proactive about it.
I want to see him be okay.
I know this is the right thing.
Well, I'm not signing a lease, but I believe I'm getting the keys to a house share situation in the next week. I hope to be out of Chris's space by the end of the month
Maybe I just blew my life up to fucking feel something.
Please, universe, catch me. I'm ready to trust.
I really have no fucking clue. Chris and I have had a beautiful relationship. And overcoming obstacles is admirable. But fuck. Am I really just gonna get over this desire to be alone? Or am I gonna make it happen and then regret it?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Welp, initiated a break up with Chris on Friday. Ended up chatting with my dad and mom on the phone that day, which wasn't my plan, then went on a walk and talked with Erin on Sunday.
Am I just super pathetic and couldn't stick to my guns? I'm leaning towards that I practiced some compassion and recognized that 5.5 years isn't worth throwing away without trying something, at least. So we try. He's been on late brews all week. I need space, that's my whole fucking thing. So this week was fine. But this weekend? And next week? Idk. All I want is silence from myself, and the space around me. He doesn't provide that. And he won't be satisfied with that. I know it. So it's the beginning of the end. I feel that, I think. He actually mentioned suicide. What the hell. He said his life didn't start until he met me. That isn't romantic. I hate that.
Am I just depressed and trying to isolate in a toxic way? My brain isn't working right? I don't know how to navigate the hallways of my own mind anymore.
I think Kyle mightve ended his relationship. It complicates it, even though I'm lying to myself and saying that it doesn't.
Kyle did end his relationship. Because he has feelings for someone who isn't me. Fucking ouch yo.
Hahaha. Loooooord. What a crazy life.
From each end of the hill trail
Welp, initiated a break up with Chris on Friday. Ended up chatting with my dad and mom on the phone that day, which wasn't my plan, then went on a walk and talked with Erin on Sunday.
Am I just super pathetic and couldn't stick to my guns? I'm leaning towards that I practiced some compassion and recognized that 5.5 years isn't worth throwing away without trying something, at least. So we try. He's been on late brews all week. I need space, that's my whole fucking thing. So this week was fine. But this weekend? And next week? Idk. All I want is silence from myself, and the space around me. He doesn't provide that. And he won't be satisfied with that. I know it. So it's the beginning of the end. I feel that, I think. He actually mentioned suicide. What the hell. He said his life didn't start until he met me. That isn't romantic. I hate that.
Am I just depressed and trying to isolate in a toxic way? My brain isn't working right? I don't know how to navigate the hallways of my own mind anymore.
I think Kyle mightve ended his relationship. It complicates it, even though I'm lying to myself and saying that it doesn't.
Kyle did end his relationship. Because he has feelings for someone who isn't me. Fucking ouch yo.
Welp, initiated a break up with Chris on Friday. Ended up chatting with my dad and mom on the phone that day, which wasn't my plan, then went on a walk and talked with Erin on Sunday.
Am I just super pathetic and couldn't stick to my guns? I'm leaning towards that I practiced some compassion and recognized that 5.5 years isn't worth throwing away without trying something, at least. So we try. He's been on late brews all week. I need space, that's my whole fucking thing. So this week was fine. But this weekend? And next week? Idk. All I want is silence from myself, and the space around me. He doesn't provide that. And he won't be satisfied with that. I know it. So it's the beginning of the end. I feel that, I think. He actually mentioned suicide. What the hell. He said his life didn't start until he met me. That isn't romantic. I hate that.
Am I just depressed and trying to isolate in a toxic way? My brain isn't working right? I don't know how to navigate the hallways of my own mind anymore.
I think Kyle mightve ended his relationship. It complicates it, even though I'm lying to myself and saying that it doesn't.