She was the epitome of contrast. She was every person in one being but there still wasn’t anyone like her. She could be so difficult to be figured out at times-you never know what her heart desired or what she’s trying to do- but yet I found myself reading her like an open book. She radiated light so why did she get lost in her own darkness sometimes? She spoke words of wisdom and yet she had a hard time seeing what was right in front of her. She had a pretense of carelessness, of adventure, of taking risks but she still spent hours worrying about the smallest of things. Her laugh was so contagious and it seemed as if the smile on her face never wore off. But I knew that she lay in her bed every night, when the world was dead, and let go of it all, of all the pent up pain, anger, frustration, worry and tiredness.
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 She said she was fearless but I knew that she was afraid of being alone in the dark and not being able to get out from there, I knew she was afraid of heights and of clowns too.  Though she said that she was used to the pain, that nothing could hurt her anymore, every time something happened, you could hear her heart cracking beneath the facade she had on. Under her light skin was a dark soul; deep within the aura of jolliness was the lover of rock and soul, underneath the clean clothes was a scarred and inked skin. She was so quiet at times, you could barely remember how her voice sounded but I knew how loud and annoying she could get, how melodious her voice was, how she could talk for hours and not get tired.  She was the sensible one but I knew how she silly she could get whenever we played Mario Kart or when we would decide to bake together. She seemed an easy-going person but I knew how difficult she could get, how many times she has made me want to rip my hair out,  how many times she has pushed me-us- over to the edge, how many times she has closed herself from me and the rest of the world.
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She said she never enjoyed festive seasons because it meant being with family and friends together, being with a crowd, that she hated being surrounded with so many people at once. Nevertheless I never failed to see the gleam in her eyes every Christmas morning or the joy in her smile as we watched the fireworks fly up and cover the night sky. She hated traditions, still she dreamed in secrecy of walking down the aisle, of taking vows with the man she loved. She was tired of trying but she never gave up.  She said she hated the cheesy and clichĂ© movies but a movie marathon with her wasn’t ever complete without one. She always fought with her mother, tried to ignore the tenderness in her father’s voice who still treated her like a child and never stopped cursing her brother and complaining about him. Nonetheless she couldn’t live without talking to her mother every alternate day, she couldn’t help but feel happiness over her father’s protectiveness and she couldn’t stop loving her older brother for whom she was grateful for more than her own life. She wanted nothing more than the happiness of those three. However, she kept it hidden from them for some unknown reason. She barely let them see the loving and caring side of her. Â
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She said she didn’t like drinking because she hated the taste of beer and she hated the tingly feeling champagne gave her and yet I found her with a bottle of wine  every Friday night. She hated the feeling of love and what it did to her, still she felt vulnerable and lost without it, she couldn’t bear the thought of not being loved and she hated it. She was so tiny, so fragile. Nonetheless she was the strongest person I have ever known. She said she didn’t need me. So why is it so that she couldn’t fall asleep without me beside her?
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I will never be able to fathom how someone could have so many disparities within one’s self. It was a surprise to me that she hadn’t exploded under her own pressure and polarities. I guess that’s what made her so special, so unique. That’s what made me love her and never stop loving her. With her, you fall in love with a new person everyday but after all this time I knew she was still the same person I fell in love with yesterday when the moon lit the night sky and she still will be the person I will fall in love with tomorrow when the sun emerges again. Someone like her could drive you to the brink of insanity and back. She could calm my demons and ride my monster within. You can’t help but worry when you are with her because you never know what tomorrow will bring. She was completely unpredictable and erratic in nature, just like the climate of England and yet you couldn’t help but feel home with her in your arms and feel on top of the world when you saw the love in her eyes which was all for you.
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Though, sometimes I do wonder why I still keep trying. I could have an easier life with someone who wouldn’t raise so many bumps in my road, with someone who is easy to love, who won’t make me doubt my every move. It’s not always rainbows and roses with her. It’s trying to survive a tornado when you’re already swirling in it; it’s trying to cross a desert with burning coal instead of sand; it’s fireballs and storms and fights and cries. But then I think about how I cannot stop loving her even if I want to, how I can’t help but wish to go insane with her, how I want to see her smile because of me even though it took me immense measures to do so, how no one else would ever make me feel the way she did. Absolutely crazy.  Isn’t that what love should be about? It is not supposed to be rainbows and roses all the time, it is supposed to be everything. And that’s what she makes me feel. It’s neither too-good-to-be-true love nor the type in which one keeps pushing the other down. It’s a perfect mixture of imperfection, sorrow, love, light, darkness. May be this why I cannot stop loving that crazy, beautiful, dimwit, annoying as hell angel. This is why I cannot stop loving someone like her.
