Ramblings of an introvert

[a-confused-introvert]

I hope no one asks to see the music I have on my phone. I wouldn’t know how to explain myself once they start scrolling.

[a-confused-introvert]

but you know, I`ll try to have a good time, do my best not spoil the experience for other people.

I`ll do my best not to be a party pooper. Hopefully there`ll be a lot of fun activities we can take part in and that will be the focus of our conversations. “Oh you should have seen the look on your face!” “When you zagged, that was the time you should have zigged!”

Something kind of like that.

Now excuse me, I have to go put on the old armor, the one with the automatic smile function. God knows I`ll need it to show people I`m a cheerful bright young lad and not a denizen of the dark.

[a-confused-introvert]

It’s life or death now

Man how am I going to socialize with those people? I hope there is maybe one or two other nerds (I’m not that hopeful).

Now you may think it’s about trying not to be the weird kid on this trip. It’s a factor, however what I’m really worried about is my enjoyment. It’s a bit selfish. I don’t want to go there and be bored to death because I’m stuck with guys who are arguing that drake is better than jcole or vice versa. Or talk about some vampire diaries like series (nothing wrong with it) or about this movie they watched only because it would be social suicide not to.

I mean if I hear you talk about spiderman: homecoming I expect at least that you should give me a conversation that’s deeper than what I would have with my seven year old brother about it. I like, “Vulture only sold those weapons because he wanted the money, he did not have a plan that directly killed people. So is he really a villain?” Not, “I liked the part where spidey beat the bad guy.” I feel for some people, watching a movie does absolutely nothing for them other than just passing time. But I digress...

[a-confused-introvert]

One of those office getaways where all the colleageues bring all their families to a beach resort

I’m one of those lucky people. Tomorrow I leave for a beach resort with my family and there’s gonna be a lot of people.

I took a long time to explain a pro. So here’s a con: while I’ll get that smokescreen story how am I going to survive in an extrovert environment just to tell that story?

Now I’m not a completely hopeless introvert. I can talk to people. But in some situations I’m like wolvering or collosus going up against magneto. I can socialise properly in a work or school environment. There’s a common goal there. I can tap into that work mindset that people share. I piggyback on that to socialise.

The fun mindset though... I keep getting logged out.

[a-confused-introvert]

I’m going on a trip...

You’re totally fine with a stay at home holiday. Making the other party understand that you might even have a more fulfilling time is more impossible than the Sakurasou anime being greenlit for a season 2.

Or perhaps you did do something but explaining it is too troublesome or embarassing (only because you live in an area/society where such things are unheard of). Like trying to explain to people that adults attend conventions for comics and cartoons and games.

Some people are lucky though. They have that one extrovert activity that can act as a smokescreen. You can use it to carry the conversation, so that it does not colllapse into an awkward mess and you feel like you failed some sort of test.

[a-confused-introvert]

tomorrow...or today. I’m typing this past midnight.

Then maybe you step outside and meet someone or your phone starts to ring. You find yourself indulging in painful small talk.Your company asks you, “So you’ve been on holiday? What fun things have you been doing?”

Keep in mind, this is a normie, normalfag, extrovert etc. Now some people are comfortable with being honest. Those with serious anxiety might lie blatantly. I would tell the truth but uncomfortably.

“Oh, nothing special. I’ve just been in the house.” I’ll say this while praying this is the end of that, but my expression is mostly a struggle at looking nonchalant. If the universe hates you, you might be asked further questions like, “Doing what?” or “Why don’t you go out more?”. Statements such as, “Sounds dull.” “I don’t know how you live like that.” may follow. At this point you’re holding back that exasperated sigh.

[a-confused-introvert]

So apparently...

Here’s a scenario:

You’re enjoying your holiday. It’s calm and peaceful, and the meaning behind those two words is that no one is bothering you. You have your own space and no body is intruding on it. No body can see the tears you shed when your favorite character dies. No body can see you leaping around the house doing a victory dance because you just beat that boss or achieved that horrendously difficult in-game objective. Sure those last two are high energy activities but it’s still calm and peaceful.

[a-confused-introvert]

Punchline

An introvert knows what he/she wants, whenever they're not bored. If I had an endlessly engrossing activity, I wouldn't need friends (the type who make my life fun, not the ones who are there to be harmlessly taken advantage of...I said harmlessly) For example, whenever I'm writing a story, time seems to be awfully short. When I'm bored though, the thoughts usually drifitng through my mind are how nice it would be to have a gaming girlfriend or how dumb I am for not reading the mood that one time. Thankfully I'm not exactly bored right now. I have a mountain turtle to fight in ffxv and this game called downwell I'm currently playing and a lot of anime I put off... Hobbies, even just the word sounds great.

[a-confused-introvert]

Equilibrium

It's a little tough being an introvert, at least to me. There are so many articles out there about how introverts are full of imagination and are usually alone but not lonely. Those articles are somewhat true, but I also do tend to feel a little lonely. It's a feeling that gnaws away at you, eating away at whatever comfort privacy gives you. Then you step out of your cave and into decent or nice company however, you're ready to pay for an express ticket back to solitude. Minutes later, if you haven't received salvation, you begin to relax and you think, "I guess a while longer is good too." Eventually it's time to disband, and as you stroll back to your place, you realize you're not satisfied, along with whatever clever jokes and lines that you are too shy to come up with on the spot. But when you are back in your room alone, a snack on hand and a good book, game, series or anime on your mind, the last thing you want to happen is your phone to ring or vibrate.

[a-confused-introvert]

Two steps back

Lately I’ve achieved a lot of social goals since I came back from college. Basically people I’d avoid by giving excuses, I’ve met. I actually had fun. Also, I managed to avoid giving myself an excuse to not go for an event. Again, I was actually the driving force behind getting my friends to go, and it was awesome. I’m an introvert still so I’ve also had plenty of comfortable alone time. I finished two games I hadn’t played: shadow of mordor (SoW hype) and ffxv (like Logan i cant think about it without getting attacked by feels) So why do I feel like I’m still taking L’s?