Idk who else to ask this so sorry if this is inappropriate. Feel free to delete/ lmk if this is TMI and unwelcome as I'll be going a bit in depth. If this causes you discomfort I'm sorry in advance.
Are gynecologist visits supposed to feel so violating and invalidating?
I had my first one, initially because I feared I had an UTI. Not only did i have no chance to properly get a foot in the door and ask/speak on my concerns, but I also felt like the doctor was seeing me as lesser specifically for being a trans man with communication issues, especially because I consented to my mother being present in the room with me (as emotional support. I now consider that a mistake as it felt like I had two older women talk over me, interrupt me, and decide they know everything better than me.)
She asked how far along I was medical transition-wise. I said I've yet to start T. I have everything but the prescription. She took it as me expecting the prescription when that wasn't what I was there for. She also kept saying that "it's not that simple" and I should find someone who monitored hrt for trans people before (I have one potential Endo who can but she isn't a specialist). Thing is.. the gyno isn't an expert on the topic either.
She also said I "lack determination" to start T, and kept asking if I knew what would happen when I got on t. Saying that discussing it with a sexologist wasn't enough. When it was. Said sexologist literally had a small timeline that showed expected t changes. The gyno spoke like she was in that room with us, but she wasn't. And she's acting like someone who's been well and out for 7+ years, doesn't know what'll occur on t.
During the exam itself I noted the strange face she was making as I felt her prod around. I knew why. It was due to the "frills"/"clam" (sleeve hymen) that obscures the canal opening. She had by the end both inserted her finger briefly, but also used that stiff rod thing, she didn't really insert it much though.
I felt it press hard against a spot I assumed to be my urethra because of the feeling.
My attempt to mention the sleeve hymen was dismissed as "everything's normal" and "you have no issues" when I wasn't asking that. I honestly can't recall what I wanted to ask either because I was constantly frazzled.
I'll note my mom made a really smug face at me. Like an "I told you so" when they both misunderstood me, dismissed me, and decided they knew better.
My question relating if she could tell where my urethra was was also dismissed.
"When that rod was used I felt like it was pressing against my urethra"
Is it just... Not conceivable that I would feel something firmly press against the thing connected to my bladder?
At the end I said "I don't know the right terminology in polish, I do in English. I could've been more prepared to communicate better."
And she says "terminology has Latin roots." Or some other semantic bullshit.
Is this just... How gyno visits go?
I feel dirty. I wasn't violated in any way because I allowed it all to happen, but I still feel so dirty. Like she wanted to call me some mutant but didn't feel bold enough on account of the witness.
i first need to make it very clear that none of this is normal or ethical for a doctor to do. if you arent talking to your doctor about starting testosterone, they should not be telling you about all the risks associated or literally anything about it, especially if its not even within their scope of practice (your doctor is not an endo and cannot prescribe hrt as far as im aware, so she should not be discussing it with you. even if you asked, she should refer you to a doctor who does actually specialize in hormone therapy). that whole thing is completely inappropriate for a doctor who both does not specialize in hormone therapy and who you did not ask about hormone therapy to do
secondly, you dont need an endo who exclusively provides hrt to trans people. i dont even think they exist (outside of things like folx health that are nationwide) because theres not a localized demand enough for transgender hrt to fund that. ive never met a local endocrinologist who exclusively provides care to trans people or people otherwise taking cross sex hormones. endocrinologists are specialists in hormone therapy and you shouldn't inherently trust any doctor without establishing that kinda trust with them but an endocrinologist who provides hrt to trans people isnt less specialized in hrt if they also provide hrt to cis people. thats just normal. like i could be wrong but thats a crazy thing to expect. trans people make up like 1% or less of the world population so itd be unreasonable to expect a local endocrinologist clinic to only provide care to trans people and no one else. they wouldnt be able to keep the doors open like that
all this being said, transgender men are disproportionally at risk of medical discrimination and especially with gynecologal/repeoductive healthcare so unfortunately i cant say that gynecologist visits being violating and uncomfortable for trans men isnt normal. however that does not mean that you need to or should put up with that kind of behavior. you need to get another gynecologist asap. i think theres websites that track trans affirming healthcare providers, but i cant think of anything off the top of my head. i was very lucky with my gynecologist, he happened to be a very accepting and progressive gynecologist not only to trans men but to everyone who needs gynecologal or reproductive healthcare, especially in tennessee, however my experience is not the norm and even people in blue cities in blue states experience discrimination in healthcare and we as a group (trans men and transmascs) are disproportionally affected by it. my general rule of thumb is that if you ever leave a doctors visit feeling unheard, let alone uncomfortable, humiliated, and violated, find another doctor. its not uncommon at all for a doctor to be terrible either at their job or to you specifically, and a lot of marginalized people have to get second opinions, third opinions, or many opinions until a doctor actually takes us seriously. if you have any transmasc friends who see a gynecologist, or if you have like a local trans group (online or otherwise) who have transmasculine people who see gynecologists, try to get their recommendation on one, or just look up trans affirming gynecologists in the area
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