aauene

[aauene]

i wore makeup 'cause i thought i would be pretty to you

i changed the way i dressed and my style just for you

'cause then maybe you'd like me more if i fit in with you

you had a whole list of things you wanted to do

you told me all the things you wanted us to do

all the things you wanted me to do with you too

i tried so hard to be someone you would like and maybe love too

but even then that wasn't enough for you

...

i don't think you noticed the words that slipped out of your mouth

all the things you wanted and all the plans we talked about

were all the things you did with someone you loved before

and all the things you saw in me were what you saw in her too

i don't think you felt anything that you said you did before

all i was wasn't enough for you to not just see her too

...

i wrote a whole list of things i wanted to remember about you

i learned all your favorite things and went along with you

and when you told me all the things you were struggling with

i let you do what you needed and take what you wanted from me too

'cause i just wanted to be enough for you

i just wanted to be enough for you

...

i don't think you know how much i wished it was you

i don't think you know how much i wanted it to work with you

i don't think you know how much those 100 days broke my heart too

all i ever wanted was to be enough for you

but nothing i could do would be enough for you

and all i just wanted was to be enough for you

enough for you

...

enough for you // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i wish i knew the reason why i got so attached to you

why i wanted us to be something real for the first time

i always said i wanted to love someone but i realize now i only wanted it to be you

but you're not looking for love and so i have to swallow how i feel one more time

.

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

i'll hold you till you tell me you're tired

i'll never erase you from the memory of my life

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i'm erased from your mind

i know you'll never be mine

so i'll just watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

.

i don't want anything from you

i just want to keep you as a part of my life

you taught me everything i never knew

i thought i could see the world through my eyes

till you showed me your view

i didn't know i couldn't see till you

thank you

.

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

i'll hold you till you tell me you're tired

i'll never erase you from the memory of my life

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

i'll watch you from the sidelines till i'm erased from your mind

i know you'll never be mine

so i'll just watch you from the sidelines till i fade from your life

...

sidelines // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i'm getting sick from hiding my questions

and pretending that my feelings don't bother me

i know i told you i felt something for you

but i don't know what all this waiting is for

'cause you said you felt something too

but we're not doing anything more

so what are we anymore

what is this all for

.

am i just your secret giving you the attention you want and more

do i just remind you of your ex and that's all

i want to know what this is all

'cause i don't understand this at all

i don't understand this at all

...

all for // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i sent you a video about san fransisco

there's this festival i want to go to

but it's 7 hours away and i live at home

and you told me it's ok i still can go

.

but don't talk about next year to me

when i don't even think we'll make it past this year

you'll make it harder for me let you go

i know you're not going to love me like i could

you're going to leave me even though you said you never would

and i'll hate myself for hoping for us to become all the things i wished we would

.

i looked through my camera roll

so many photos i'll have to delete again

i didn't learn my lesson so i hurt myself again

wish i didn't save so many things with your named tied to it

'cause now there's so much i'll have to forget about

and now there's another person i can't look back on

another person i'll never completely forget about

.

you told me you won't be loving anyone for now

and i knew you meant it so i stopped trying to get close to you because how

how could i hold onto you and be ok with just being friends

how could i be ok with you loving someone else

when you told me you'd always be there for me

but how could you be when there's someone else

but i hate that i have to keep my distance so you can't hurt me more than you can now

i hate that i let myself get into this position right now

i hate it right now

i hate knowing you right now

i hate thinking about you right now

i hate that i'm still talking to you right now

i hate it right now

...

i hate it right now // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

don't hold onto me too tight

don't trust me to make things right

i don't know how to hold you tight

i don't even know how to hold myself right

i'll just make you cry

.

i was never good at talking about how i'm feeling

all i ever do is hold onto my feelings inside

i can't hide that i'm still broken inside

that i can hurt you till you die

baby, i'll just make you cry

.

i'm tired of hiding how i'm feeling inside

i don't want to fool you longer than i

i can't give you my love and heart 'cause they're not mine

i can only break your heart and make you cry

baby, i'll just make you cry

.

if you see me on the street one day don't call out my name

i'm not someone you want to keep in your life

i'll just make you cry

my heart was never mine

baby i'll just make you cry

you'll hate that i made you mine

baby take me out of your mind

i'll just make you cry

.

i don't know how to wipe your tears

and i told you before i don't know how to hold you tight

all i'll do is just make you cry

there's nothing i can do to make it right

so baby there's nothing left for you to hold tight

you'll just lose your mind

'cause my heart was never mine

i'll just make you cry

.

baby, i'll just make you cry

baby, don't hold me tight

baby, i'll just make you cry

baby don't try

i'll just make you cry

.

i'll just make you cry // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i told you i don't need a lot from you

i just want to know and love you

hear every thought that crosses your mind

all i want to do is just be happy with you

and have you be mine

.

so will you just hold my hand and dance with me

come over to just kiss me and hold me in your arms

will you call me pretty without seeing my body

come over to just listen to me speak and learn me

.

i told you about the boys who only saw my body

about the guys who left when i said they couldn't touch me

you told me you were never looking at my body

but is it ok if you'll never have sex with me

is it enough to just hold my heart to love me

.

so will you just hold my hand and dance with me

come over to just kiss me and hold me in your arms

will you call me pretty without seeing my body

come over to just listen to me speak and learn me

.

so will you just hold my hand and dance with me

come over to just kiss me and hold me in your arms

will you call me pretty without seeing my body

come over to just listen to me speak and learn me

...

is it enough to just hold my heart? // to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

"i'm not scared of being hurt. i hurt myself every day, some days emotionally and mentally, other days physically, and most days in every way i know how to. so no, i'm not scared of something i do to myself everyday, i'm scared that i'll wake up one day and that one day becomes every day with another person doing that to me too, i'm scared that for the rest of my life there will never be a person to teach me how to stop, how to stop hurting myself, i'm scared that you'll be disgusted at me, at my wounds, at the way i hurt myself. i'm not scared that you'll hurt me, i'm scared that you'll love me the same way i do, the same way i was taught to."

...

please don't love me the same way i love me too // from season of a heart-shaped silver necklace

[aauene]

we're talking every day and that makes me happy

but some days i get lost in my head

thinking maybe this happiness will end

i hate that i have thoughts like this in my head

i hate that i'm scared of you leaving like some people did

but every time i get a little scared

every time these thoughts start to creep up in my head

you show me that you care

...

i know that you care

i know that you care

i don't know why i'm so scared

i know you care

i know you care

...

i'm scared that you'll just be another face

who's life i'll watch through pictures on the internet

you can't plan the ending to every love story

but i never planned to write a story of us together

i don't know how to not be scared that we'll lose each other

i don't know how to not overthink how i'm feeling

'cause we're so young and young love seems to fade so quick

young love just seems to leave scars 'cause it breaks

...

but i don't want to hurt you and have your heart break

like i told you before, you're somebody i want to give my heart to

and i'm doing it even though i'm scared to

i've never been with anyone before

i've never been so scared to have someone who cares

i've never known anyone who's trying as hard as you before

.

i know that you care

i know that you care

i'm so scared

but i know you care

i know you care

...

febuary // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i don't want to break my heart and hurt you too

but i don't know what i'm doing with you

we're not just friends and you know that too

but i'm not your girlfriend and you're not my boyfriend

you told me you can't get with me 'cause you got issues

and i told you don't worry i got them too

i can wait for you

...

you're making me feel so confused

you told me you wanted to be friends

but you're not talking to me the way friends do

i know i'm wrong 'cause i'm doing that too

i can't deny that i still want you

do you want me too?

...

all my friends tell me i need this conversation with you

'cause what we're doing will hurt me, maybe break my heart too

you don't want me talking to anybody but you

and i don't want to too

i know we both got our issues

right now it might seem easy but i know it won't be true

if we come together and fall in love with each other

but even if it rains with you

i'll be holding the umbrella next to you

...

i don't want to break my heart and hurt you too

i want you to let me in your heart and let me learn you

i like the way we talk but it's hard to read how you're feeling

i hope you feel safe enough to tell me how you're feeling

tell me what you need from me to give you security

i want to work things out with you

do you want that too?

...

more than friends less than lovers // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

it's been two months since we last talked

it hurts me still that we're not talking

am i the only one that's confused about what happened between us

your friend unfollowed me on instagram without a reason

i don't know what i did to him or you

i still don't know what happened between you two

are we all just bad at saying what we feel

are we all just bad at telling ourselves how we feel

'cause that's what seems to be true

...

i know you're busy i am too

i know you're busy but you were before too

you didn't respond for a month

you said you weren't responding to anyone

but i think we both know that's not true

that's not who you told me you were

you respond to whoever's not bothering you

your respond to whoever's not confusing you

i saw your stories, i saw you were playing video games with your friends

i saw the posts you liked on instagram

you were ignoring me on purpose

which one am i to you?

...

i've been trying to text you

but you only respond to one of my messages

i don't understand how you were feeling and what you meant back then

but can we move past that

or am i just being stupid again

thinking things will ever be normal with you again

...

i hope you're doing well

maybe we'll never be what we used to be

but i'll always be wishing the best for you

i'll always be thankful you were a part of my life

i'm sorry if i ever hurt you

i hope you were never confused like how i still am i didn't mean to

i know these words won't change what i did to you

i'm sorry

i'm sorry

i was wrong for what i did to you two

i'm sorry for writing this instead of telling you

...

i'm sorry // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i don't know why i like picking my wounds when they're healing

i don't like the scars or the bleeding

but i always give myself scars that never leave me

and i always reopen wounds that just started healing

...

i'm so good at pretending that it's nothing

i'm so used to holding my own hand and hurting silently

so i hold it all in and act like it's nothing

but inside it's hurting me

...

i know it's for the best if i keep my distance

but every time i try i miss you

i don't know how to control my feelings for you

i don't know how to get used to not feeling close to you

i still want to hear your voice and call you

can i still do that with you?

...

i know i shouldn't do this again i know how it ends

i've done this before, i shouldn't do this anymore

and all my friends tell me i should cut you off

'cause they know my heart will break if i do this with you too

i know it'll hurt me but i still want to try this again with you

...

i won't regret all the things i do with you

all the things i share with you

i know i shouldn't do this anymore

i know i've done this before

but i want to try with you

i'm not ready to let you go

'cause no matter what people tell me

i keep going back to you

...

i don't know why i like picking my wounds when they're healing

i don't like the scars or the bleeding

but i always give myself scars that never leave me

and i always reopen wounds that just started healing

...

again // from people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

you made me cry but that's something i'm not telling you

you hurt my feelings but i don't know how to tell you

i don't even know how to tell you that you're making me confused

should i send you all the things i wrote about you

'cause i don't know how else to tell you how i feel about you

...

i know my heart, i know i really like you

but you're making it hard for me to understand if you do too

you told me you're not in the right place to be with me

and i understand so i made space but you're coming back to me

we started doing what we used to do

before you told me you weren't ready to hold me close

do you still want me too

...

it's ok if you need time to work it all out so it makes sense to you

i don't want to hurt you when i love you

i don't want loving me to take away things from you

so please don't force yourself 'cause you're scared of losing me

i told you before my heart is yours

so i'll wait beside you and hold you till it all makes sense to you

till you stop hurting like you've been hurting before i met you

i'll stay here if you want me to

'cause i know my heart wants to too

...

how do you feel too? // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i was so used to sending good morning texts

i didn't know how it felt to get them

i wish you never stop sending them

'cause i like it when you send them

...

you're so cute it makes my heart shake

i like it too much when you say my name

you make my heart ache

'cause you make me feel so safe

...

for the first time i think this will work out fine

for the first time i'm not scared my heart will break

for the first time i'm not wishing you were mine

...

for the first time // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

maybe i'm just lonely

or maybe there's something wrong with me

and this is just another reason why i need therapy

...

i've been craving to be held by someone

these days i feel like kissing people i don't love

give someone a piece of my heart and show them everything but my broken parts

give someone my time and they give me their love

i don't want to be alone but i don't just want someone

...

i'll give you my trust and i just want a part of your heart

i'll give you my body, can you hold me

i just wanna be someone with a part of your heart

...

i don't want your whole heart

give me a part of yourself and i'll give you a part of my heart

i just wanna be someone with a part of your heart

...

can i have a part of your heart? // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

i don't know how i'm supposed to be feeling

we talk every day about how we're feeling

we talk about our lives and lives we want

and i get attached easily without a reason

but i don't want to be the only one feeling things

i don't want to be the only one falling in love silently

i wanna love someone without breaking

but i'm scared of my heart breaking

.

there are a lot of things i'm scared of saying

'cause people see me differently once they know someone broke me

i don't want you to think of me like i'm always about to be breaking

i don't want you to see me for all the things people did to me

and when i'm in my head you remind me of the world beneath me

that there are people who care about me

...

please don't hurt me like i'm scared of

please don't break my heart

please keep your word and be someone i can trust

...

i know we haven't met yet

i know i don't really know you

but i want to know you

i want to trust you

...

please don't hurt me like i'm scared of

please don't break my heart

please keep your word and be someone i can trust

...

please be someone i can trust // from to people i liked when i was 18

[aauene]

some days i think that i'm just tired of being lonely

that all i want is someone's company

but then i remember if i'm just lonely

why am i looking when i got company

why am i looking when there are people around me

...

people tell me you'll meet somebody

'cause there's so much to love in me

but they don't know that loving comes easy

i give my heart to everybody

but is there really somebody who'll get me

see me clearly and not break me when they hold me

'cause the people i seem to meet can't seem to see

how much it hurts when they try to hold me

...

i guess i have too many insecurities

guess it's too hard for them to understand me

'cause i can tell who they see isn't me

and i hold back 'cause i'm scared they'll misunderstand me

so i hold my own hand and pretend that it doesn't bother me

'cause i get over things like this too easily

'cause someone made me used to the disappointment of not getting what i need

'cause someone broke me so i think nobody will ever give me what i need

because i'm somebody who's too hard to love and understand

...

some days i think that i'm just tired of being lonely

that all i want is someone's company

but then i remember if i'm just lonely

why am i looking when i got company

why am i looking when there are people around me

...

am i lonely // from season of a heart-shaped silver necklace

[aauene]

twelve hours and fifty minutes

can i call you like that again

fall asleep on a call together again

and wake up together again

we might be far away

but i feel close to you when we share our time like this

next time we call can we stay

i like the feeling when i wake up like this

...

every second we spend i want you more

i've never liked anyone and had it be more

the last time i liked someone it didn't work out

we said we were both interested but then we got distant

but when we said we liked each other

we got closer and now we could maybe get together

...

i want to hold your hands too

i want to hug you and be held by you

i want to be beside you

i wish i could do all those things with you

there's so much i want to do with you

but we have to bear with our distance

till we can see each other

...

it's been a month since we said hello

and now we're saying good morning and good night

i wanna be the last person you talk to at night

i hope we stay like this for a while if that's alright

if that's alright

...

if that's alright // from to people i liked when i was 18