BabyBino

28. BFP 11/28/18. Due 8/9/19. He was born 8/8/19!

[ababybino]

We moved mid pregnancy. I had to pack up a lot of photo albums and frames that were meant for baby pictures and they had to go in storage for an undetermined amount of time. This hurt my heart but I just kept praying that one day I’d be able to unpack them and fill them. When we were finally unpacking almost 2 and a half years later (so about 2 weeks ago) I pulled this book out and it was empty. I pulled another frame out that only had 1 sonogram picture but had room for 2 more. I burst into tears. It was a reminder of all the things I had missed out on when Levi was little and at the same time a relief that I could now put it all together. The other night I finally got to fill the book and I filled the frame last week. It makes my heart so happy to see them full now. I can’t even explain it. The book consists of pregnancy photos and every single family photo we’ve taken since Levi was born with plenty of room for more. I just wanted to share this moment because it means so much to me.

I do wish I would have talked more about the things I was sad about missing out on but it’s all in the past now.

[ababybino]

Writing in that last post that I am happy again almost made me cry. I didn’t realize how unhappy I had been down to my core until I wrote those words. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed for having a place to go and for them to take us in for as long as they did but it’s not the same. It’s hard to raise your baby in someone else's home. It’s hard when postpartum and motherhood isn’t what you expected because you’re not in your comfort zone. The rules and way you need to do things to bring comfort to others messes things up. 

It’s so damn hard to make peace with all of that. 

[ababybino]

Update

Levi is 2.  We finally own a house. SIL & Bestie had baby girls. Still unsure if I want another.

Life is good though. I am happy again.

[ababybino]

Found my first gray hair 😂

[ababybino]

Two people close to me is pregnant and I’m jealous?? I never expected this...

[ababybino]

Grief.

I feel like every day I am living with grief that my son is 15 months old and not a newborn. I feel like it happened so fast and I didn’t get to truly enjoy it. So much happened and I want to cry every day that he’s growing. I feel crazy??

[ababybino]

How are you?

It’s such a loaded question these days.

[ababybino]

Sometimes I feel like I’m struggling with who I am as a person outside of being a mom. I can’t get a part time job because I don’t want to put my son in daycare right now. Too much up in the air with COVID plus I don’t trust people.

I don’t have anything else I wanted to say, I think I just had to get that off my chest.

[ababybino]

Mamas... wow

I was laying In bed holding onto Levi like I’ve done every night since his birth and I just started to cry and cry. I felt this overwhelming sadness that he’s not so little anymore, he never will be again & one day he won’t need me or want to cuddle me.

Trust me, it’s not lost on me that it is the point of motherhood, raise them well enough that they don’t NEED you but they WANT you. I want him to be a strong, kind, compassionate, independent man. I hope to teach him all of the skills for it but wow the feels tonight.

The sadness happens quite often but this is the first time tears came running down my face. I need to talk to my therapist about it but this is the part of motherhood I never expected. The constant joy and sadness at their growth.

[ababybino]

Uh okay 😭😭😭😭

Happy birthday to my baby boy ❤️

[ababybino]

Dear Levi,

You’re going to be 1 in two weeks and I can’t see how that’s possible. I just held you in my arms for the first time. I looked at your cute little face and wondered how you were mine. How are you going to be 1?

This past year has been hard for many reasons but none of them were because of you. You have been a huge light in my life when I needed it the most. The reason I get out of bed when I just don’t want to. I have to do things for you and that’s what keeps me going. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me besides your dad.

I love you beyond measure, I love you so much it hurts. I want to do everything I can to give you the best things in life. You are so smart and adorable and amaze me every day with the things you can do. You walk, climb and try to run to keep up with everyone. You like to feed yourself and babble like it’s going out of style.

I can’t wait to see where the next year takes us.

Love,

Your Mama

[ababybino]

My creepy baby 😂

[ababybino]

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my dream. It’s been such a shit day as well. I’m ready for today to be over.

[ababybino]

⚠️ Trigger Warning!! Loss/miscarriage full term

IT WAS JUST A DREAM. Yet, it felt so real.

I had to be about 9 months pregnant, I remember thinking that she would be born any day now. I rubbed my hand over my belly and I remember it feeling so hollow.

Someone checks my temp for whatever reason and it is 101.0°F. I call my ob while holding onto my stomach tight. I feel so afraid.

Then suddenly I’m at the doctors office and they tell me “I’m so sorry but your baby girl didn’t make it. You’ll have to come now and have a c-section.”

I just start crying, crying and crying. The sounds that come out of me are awful. They open up the door to leave and I start shouting “I cant go right now. I have to call my mom and tell her. She doesn’t know.”

I try to calm myself down and then I call her. I sob to her that my poor daughter doesn’t even have a name. She can’t be born yet because I didn’t get to pick it out. She reassures me it’s going to be okay and she’s so sorry.

I remember thinking there was no way I could live my life after this, that my life ended the moment they told me she was gone.

I rubbed my hand over my belly and I couldn’t feel her. I just kept crying. I wasn’t ready to have her and not bring her home.

———————-

The dream ended before I had to deliver but it felt so real. When I woke up it took me some time to realize I was dreaming. My heart feels heavy with grief for a child I never even had.

[ababybino]

Times have changed.

I hate anyone that makes a loud noise outside.

my poor baby is trying to sleep. WHATS WITH THE FIREWORKS ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT???????

[ababybino]

Things are getting tense. Things are getting overlooked, I am getting overlooked and my mental health is suffering. People are starting to just make their own choices in reguards to Levi and it’s stressing me out. People are taking charge in situations when it should be me or my husband.

I don’t like it but I don’t know how to stand up for myself without making shit awkward. We’re going to be here for a lot longer so there is no way to do so. I think people forget WE are his parents.

An example (that is not serious but stressed me nonetheless):

—————————————————————-

I had been searching for sandals for Levi. It was hard with everything closed and buying things online for kids is hard. I’ve been complaining about it for weeks. I did find a decent pair online and when they came they were too big.

We hit phase 2 and I started going into stores and looking. Taking Levi with me every time I went out so he can try them on. One store was promising but they had nothing in his size. (They did have cute paw patrol ones but no luck). There was suddenly whispers between people about shoes, when I’d ask questions nobody would answer me. I felt frustrated.

I went out again that afternoon, and after walking in the 85°+ sun a few different days I FINALLY found sandals. They didn’t have the best grip but it was more to get him adjusted to wearing shoes. I was so happy my search was over. When I return from the store I was told “thank god you didn’t get those paw patrol ones.” Because she disliked them 🙄 and she hands me a pair of sneakers that he did not need.

Sneakers. For. The. Summer.

When it’s already 85°+ every day.

I got a million excuses on why he needed them. I say “I don’t get why you guys got sneakers when it’s so hot all the time? I don’t know when he’s going to wear them.”

And they didn’t like that. They didn’t like that I was brutally fucking honest.

Then I got confronted when I was alone, “you didn’t like the sneakers?”

I just restated what I said before. They are cute but when is he going to wear them. He needs sandals so his feet can breathe.

A repeat of excuses.

Later on that evening I’m being shown sandals on amazon that “have better grip. Perfect for running.”

Mind you he’s barely walking, a few steps here and there. I say they are cute and leave it at that because I JUST BOUGHT HIM SANDALS.

Well surprise surprise this morning I was showed that she ordered the sandals AND socks because apparently he has an issue with the socks he has? Like I don’t fucking understand???

Then she goes “this is okay right?” Like no it’s fucking not. You already ordered them.

So tomorrow I’ll go return the damn sandals I bought because clearly he don’t fucking need them.

[ababybino]

I’m emo all the time thinking about how Levi is going to be 1 soon.

My little goofball